Thursday, May 31, 2007

Scripts, registries and codes!

The wheel was man’s greatest invention until he got behind it.

Bill Ireland

Our college vice principal today was showing contempt for orkut. He said having many scraps and "250 friends" won't help us get through the recruitment process of any company. I smiled. I was among the audience comprising of students from all the branches of engineering who have just finished their 3rd year. We were attending a session of a program spread over several days intended to train us for the forth coming campus recruitment programs.

When I reached home at 2 pm, to my expectations, the door was locked I went the mosque and while returning home, I was intercepted by a young boy perhaps aged around 5 years. I was walking with my head down and he was running looking at the ground. I guess he was playing something and was real excited about it. I saw and slowed down to let him run away. When he realized that I had stopped for him, he looked up at me and said a sorry. I replied with a smile and he ran away.

I didn't expect that 'sorry' from him. In fact it was not needed at all. But I got a feeling within me that said I must talk to him, learn more about him, or do something for him. But he was gone. His clothes said that he was poor and came form from a down trodden family. But his sorry was everything. That was least expected. Whoever he was, I pray that Allah blesses him.

My father arrived around 3 pm and opened the door. I was waiting at the stairs until then. I had a mango and went to sleep. Later after magrib I sat down with books. I started of with Data Interpretation as I have never before gone through it. I have done a little quantitative analysis and English usage part but never this one. I read the first three lessons and realized that even if I go at a constant pace, there is a very long way to go.

The first thing is that I don't have the luxury to keep myself at any constant pace. I didn't go to Genpact today. From tomorrow again I will get busy. I really can't explain how much I wish I could study for CAT and also attend the internship. I don't and will never say that I am sacrificing anything, but I don't know how I can define the fear I have in my chest. I don't want to miss Genpact. I have to study. I can't be at two places at once. There is a third one too in the reckoning - the program at the college.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I will not be false in who I am as long as I breath

Men of power have no time to read; yet the men who do not read are unfit for power.

Michael Foot

There isn't much to write for today. I reached home early. There wasn't much for us to do so we thought we could leave. We informed our team leader. We also told him that we won't be coming tomorrow. My friend has to submit his passport application form so I too won't be going. I will be attending a program in my college. I have to meet my friends.

I am somehow feeing guilty that this is just my first week at Genpact and I will be missing a day. I guess it shouldn't create any problem for me; I have also informed the HR. But something disturbs from within. Perhaps its nice to feel that way. Guilt cleanses sometime and also prevents any further wrong doings.

After dinner my father asked me to come with him to have tea outside. Even my brother was with us. The hotels and all the shops except pharmacies where closed but there was once local hotel with a small door opened. We went inside and found the place fully packed. We have been there before and we know this place as the once that escapes the police patrolling. Perhaps they have some 'understanding' with the cops.

I finding some good sleep during the traveling time too. Today I sat at a place in the company bus from where the sun could directly see me. I was sweating and was feeling very uncomfortable. Yesterday and even today while returning I had good naps. The starting and ending point of the bus is Tolichowki so its making things easy for me a little giving me some buffering with time!

From tomorrow my brother would be starting with his classes for Intermediate 2nd year. He had some class even today which he skipped as he had his last improvement yesterday and he wanted some break. My parents ere fine with it. In fact I felt bad for him that he has classes so early. I remember when I was starting with the same thing, my classes were form June 1st.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Self Constraints Do Help

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

Richard Armour

This is my 305th post on this blog and I do feel a sense of pride in myself about this. I know its not a big deal but I also do understand that there might not be many personal blogs with this number of posts. It was a not a ride till here and it wont be - if it was a ride I could as well have said that it had ups and downs.

There there was definitely something interesting I would want to put up here for today. Just in the middle on the month of May last year, on a few of my posts on this blog, I received comments which I replied to -

  • At 1:55 AM, Anonymous ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur it true?

  • At 12:21 PM, Zubair

    Yeah you are right, there is as a matter of fact someone I value a lot more than anybody else in my life ... and that person is me myself. I love myself more than anybody else.

  • At 12:42 AM, Anonymous ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur writing...dis is d same question i askd u yesterday..wel evry1 luvs it sum1 else? sum1 special? hope u gettin wat m sayin...
The comments revolved around the posts whose addresses I have mentioned above. I could easily tell that the person commenting was from Hyderabad and was using an internet connection by Sify. Given the vocabulary and the spellings I could also end up believing that the person is well versed with using cellphones for messaging and also that the person is not a typical Hyderabadee with bad English - the person is well educated and groomed. Till here it was all logical.

In retrospect of my experiences, I could also say that the person was a female. The first point: no guy would get interested in such things as long as he has some problem with himself. The kind of language used, to the best of my reasoning, is used only by girls. No guy would stay so anonymous. And the most important part is that the person was interested in what all I was doing to the extent that when I wrote in my blog that I would be giving a reply to her comments at 12 midnight, she was online at that time. And after I replied, there was of sign of her - she never commented further. Only a girl would do that. Perhaps she didn't know what to do.

I may go wrong with this reasoning. But the point I brought this thing after more than a year is that I always wanted to write about what I thought about it and now that my blog can't be read without an invitation, I felt it to be perfectly safe to mention it now. Apart from that, I would still be interested in knowing who that eccentric person was so that I can understand her (or perhaps his) reason for being a coward.

Today I had two learning sessions with two people there - one from 10 am to 12:30 pm and another in the late afternoon. We went deeper into the software that was introduced to us yesterday and also checked on a firewall named Blackice and also a console for monitoring the process. We also came to know more on scripts and their coding methods.

Today my friend who is with me here at Genpact told me that marriage and family are all useless things. I somehow felt he is moving out of his zone of mental stability. I do not understand what exactly he wants from himself. Apart from things on marriage, there are several opinions he has I find awkward. I also thought if I am being blind with my thoughts, but I have found nothing as such yet. And about the marriage thing, he says we will marry just because he has to. He affirmed several times today that he has a brain of a person lot younger than 20 years of age.

Monday, May 28, 2007

For all I know

You only understand the present when it is past.

Han Suyin

I reached home exactly at 10 pm today. I started from my house at 11:30 am today and reached just about when it was 1 pm. When I reached Genpact I was told that I still have time to talk to the person who was going to assign me to some project. I met him after 4 pm. He had a talk with some people and I was assigned to be with a team working on Vulnerability Assessment and Anti Virus for GE Plastics. I along with my friend spent a lot of time with a guy there who showed us a lot of things. The interaction we had with him was worth more than many things.

It was decided that I would be made a part of the night shift starting at 4 pm going till 1 am. Then we had a talk on this again and I will spend my time there from 10 am to 7 pm. I found this better. I still had the option of 12 to 9. So, from tomorrow I will have to wake up a lot more early and start from home around 8:30 am.

I have a terrible head ache right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. But the want to stay awake and spend time online has more will power in it even while I understand it is foolish. Just some time back my mother asked me to leave for bed. My brother is still studying and I intend to stay awake for some more time.

Starting from this Wednesday there is supposed to be a training program for us to prepare us for the coming campus recruitments. I find it impossible for me to attend it and I have decided to skip. It goes on up to Saturday and I will to the college on that day. Not to attend the program but to meet my friends.

My biggest worry now is CAT. I don't find time to prepare for that. When I got a Saturday and Sunday, all I could do was taking rest and reading some book that made me feel good. Thins Sunday maybe I can think of something but I suspect failure. I am waiting for the right thing to strike me and I am a bit apprehensive of such a strike. And that is exactly what I am worried about - thoughts do not get converted into actions. I do not know where will power has left for. It has eluded me on this occasion.

Sunday, May 27, 2007


Language sometimes gets in the way of communication.
I did a weired thing last ting which ended today. On 22nd I had bought a book 'Blink', by Malcolm Gladwell, and decided to gift it to a friend who celebrated his 20th birthday today. But the 'not so good' thing I did was that I read the book myself before I gave it to him today. I couldn't resist. I thought he is a good friend of mine and he wouldn't mind taking as a gift a copy that has already been read. I told him and everything was fine.

I met him at Magrib at his house and I left him after Ishaan. I returned home just before 10 pm. Today I woke up at 9:30 am. I had to wish him. When I had called him early morning at 12:03 am, he was sleeping and he didn't receive the call. So I had to wake up at 9:30 am just to wish him. I had tea and slept again only to wake up at 12:30 pm. It was my mother who was asking me to have a meal and I heeded. I took short naps later during the day.

I had initially planned to go to my friend's house early morning just after Fajar. But I couldn't finish reading the book till then. I had 80 more pages to read and I finished them in the afternoon. The book was entertaining but I suppose it has one of those things I should not take seriously and allow me to get effected by it. The bottom line for the book: it was amazing.

Tomorrow I will be leaving for Genpact at 11:30 am. The cab will pick me up at 11:35 am from Tolichowki and I have to be there by 1 pm. I called up my friend's brother and also the transport division's help desk to confirm this. I find the transport service very interesting and impressive. Its all so organized.

I am finding it real difficult to manage sleep. I had once long back attended a program on personality development and among the several things I was taught, sleep management was missing. I couldn't find anything related to managing to sleep even in several books I have read on self-help. If it is a too small thing to be written and taught, then I am in a big problem.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I have some choice and I like it

Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least.

Lord Chesterfield
A few days back I registered myself at I found it nice. I suppose the word 'sophisticated' would explain it better. It has more privacy than orkut. The most important thing for me is that I have my cousins here and its helping me contact them regularly. I have also found my friend friend from US who left India last year. The other nice thing I found is that gmail allows 20 MB of attachments in a single mail now.

One of my friends woke me up early today. I know it was after 10 am but it was early for me. But I slept again. I reached my uncle's place a little before 3 pm. I read a book there and some part of the newspaper. I will finish the book tomorrow. I can't name it here right now.

For the last, at least, 30 minutes I have been watching at this 'compose' page thinking what I can write for today. I hardly found anything interesting. Just that my mother told that she has thought a name for my daughter already. There were some people around when she said that and I behaved as though I heard nothing. I found no other reaction good. I really don't know whats going on.

I am taking my mother in a negative sense maybe. Perhaps I am liking what she is saying but I am preferring presenting a different reaction. In fact I know guys enjoy such things but mothers talking all that is usually for girls given that I am not even 21 now. I want to break the ice on this topic and speak to her more openly. I just hope I don't end up laughing or blushing in front of her someday.

I feel lost sometimes. Lost not just in thoughts but also in reality. When I wrote a post here with the title 'It Starts From Here', I thought something would change from then. Even I didn't know what exactly. I don't have explanations of what I think and feel sometimes. Many things come and appear in front of me like adaptive unconsciousness. This phrase is alien I know. It was alien to me too until a few days back. The book I am reading explains it. I am trying to take that book at entertainment.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Three Zero One

When I go to the office of Genpect on Monday I, along with a friend of mine, will be assigned to some projects most probably relating to Network Security Operations. My visit to that place today lasted for almost 10 hours and I liked it. I am grateful to a senior of mine who also happens to be the brother of a friend I have for letting me have this chance of getting an internship at this company. InshAllah I will be working here at Genpact for the next one month as an 'intern'.

Today's time there showed me things what the three years of engineering couldn't explain me. I saw many things I had just heard of and read of being implemented there. Right from the place and the way people worked there amazed me. Looking at the work culture here, I understand how much many people mostly students don't get to know what they must know about being an employee to any company. I will learn a lot more just this. InshAllah.

I was almost ready at 8:30 am in the morning when I found that two of my belts were missing. I spent almost 20 minutes searching for them and landed on an old one I had stopped using a long while ago. Later after reaching home I came to from my brother that he had used the new one which I was using lately and he doesn't know where the other one is. He had used it a few weeks back. I wanted to scold him. But he showed a sorry face that told me he never meant to cause any trouble to me. I hardly said anything to him except reminding him that he once said he never uses that belt of mine.

My journey back home from Genpact, while is located at Uppal, was in a cab provided to me by them for transport. I like they way their transport system works - with the screens that show ID numbers along with the cab's number which has been assigned to take an employee home. Everything is so organized and well managed that I don't think an average thinking person would ask for more.

I am required to be there for five days a week. And so, tomorrow and Sunday happen to be holidays for me. I will perhaps spend some time with some book on Java and of course there is this thing called as CAT. I have to give a deep thinking of that as my classes at CL are scheduled to be conducted on Wednesdays and Fridays every week during these holidays and it won't be possible for me to attend them. I hope Allah helps me find a better way.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Reflection and contradiction

If we believe a thing to be bad, and if we have a right to prevent it, it is our duty to try to prevent it and damn the consequences.

Alfred Milner
A friend's call woke me up at 10:20 am. He made me do a few things before I could sleep again. But I was continuously being disturbed by messages on my phone. I finally had my breakfast at 1:20 pm. Before that I had a couple of bananas. I was, without any doubt, feeling hungry but laziness and lack of reason kept me on the bed till so late.

I have always known that I have tried to keep a distinguishable wall around me that only I can see. The wall reflected my priorities and I knew it could at times cause discomfort to me as a direct consequence. Now I understand it can do more than just that. It becomes difficult for me to choose between friend, cousins and myself.

I sometimes decide to be alone at home or be with parents and somebody calls me up asking if he could come over to my house. At times I plan to go out to some relatives house and the same thing happens. There are occasions too when I want to be with my friends but my parents compel me to opt for something else. In between all this, I feel neglecting my cousins.

I don't know if others too face these situations. I sure do have some - very few friends - I am always ready to meet and be with. In fact so many times I long to be with them. They are not available always. These are my friends with whom I have shared almost everything that runs within me and I find no difficulty in having them as my top priority among people. I don't know if I know them well but I have always tried to keep myself transparent for them.

The problem comes when other friends vie for the priority. Not that they are aware of it but the situation makes me have some preferences used and I don't like using them. Sometimes I simply don't fell like meeting a few of them. I never complain but my mood does. The friends I have mentioned above - the ones I try to be transparent with - suit all my moods. I guess saying 'suit all my moods' would be similar to degrading human dignity; I don't mean to do that. I just like them always and I prefer their company at any given time. The other friends do not comply with such idea.

I know being this way can have me loose some of the good friends I have. I fear being called a hypocrite. I dream being left alone. I do not like being a bad person even if nobody would ever come to know about the distasteful me. I don't remember losing my temper outside my house or in front of people other than my brother and parents. I will continue with that but having to reach a point that requires a control in itself is a pity. I am not suppose to reach such points. I am not expected to get angry at all.

I really, really don't know if there is anybody else with any similar complexities. I don't want to say that it is all perfectly human. Even if it is, I don't want to know. I cannot hold my subconsciousness in my hands and make it work in my favorable and so-felt logical way. I would simply leave it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It starts from here

If men knew all that women think, they’d be twenty times more daring.

Alphonse Karr

Saturday evening I was desperate to see Monday come. Monday came and it went. It left a lot with it. And made me realize something important too. I understood how I am going to feel when its the end of engineering and all of us - me and my friends - will take our own ways. One of my friends left for Riyadh early morning today and another friend will be leaving shortly. I will surely miss them a lot.

Monday I was going to meet my friends. Two of them where giving treats to celebrate their birthdays. We had our lunch at The Hub near Panjagutta and ice cream at Baskin and Robins. We had a wonderful time and I reached home around 5:45 pm with a friend. An old friend had come to my house by then. He studies in Amravati and he is here for his vocation. We had lengthy talks mostly about studies. Just before he was leaving another friend came down to my house.

He was with me till 12 midnight. We went outside to have our dinner but everything was closed down. We spent some time at another friend's house, had some fun and I returned home. I had my dinner at 12:30 pm.

Around 11:30 pm my friend called me up to tell me that we will meet only in July now. It really made me feel bad. I know I have to see harder things than this. Late night (early morning) I had a chat with a cousin and it was only then that I felt better. Even today afternoon a friend turned up at my house. It was nice having him here. We spent an hour and he dropped me at Mehdipatnam form where I went to my grandmother's house.

In last 24 to 48 hours I have spent a lot of time enjoying and the rest thinking and contemplating. Though I enjoyed all of it, I know that the thing I am confused about now is weired to the extent and sense that I may sound weired if I attempt explaining here now. I won't do it. Had a talk about it with a friend a little while ago and I felt lighter.

My uncle who lives in US will be here in Hyderabad on 10th of June inshAllah. He will be here after five years. Two of my cousins won't be here. One is in Kyrgyzstan and the other is busy with his studies back in Houston. Two of my aunts who live in Mecca will be here too. Even my cousin from London. I am sure many more people are coming. I am waiting to meet them all.

When I say that I am waiting, it is supposed to mean a lot of heavy things for me. I will be starting with my preparation for CAT in a day. Then there is something very important I will be stepping into. In July I will start with my mock CAT tests. Then the campus placement interviews from August. Then CAT, MAT and XAT in the last two months of this year. The next six months are bound to be tough and they will make a very big difference to me and many things around me. At this moment of time, some silly thing is bugging me. Huh!

My cousin from Gulbarga called me in the evening. He started with asking em to update my blog. He scolded me for not doing it. All I could do was feel very nice. It was sweet of him to call. Even a friend asked me about the blog sometime back. I feel really nice when I am asked about my blogs. This is the 299th post here.

I spoke for some good time with my cousin. We discussed many things. He is busy preparing for his exams. But he is alone at home. His parents are in Sakaka, Saudi Arabia and his elder brother is here in Hyderabad. In Hyderabad inshAllah he will start with his DNB orthopedics at a well known hospital shortly.

I spoke a lit with my grandmother too today. I went there to talk to her; to listen to what she has to say. I asked about the past - about my grandfather's family and her family. I was amazed to know that there are so many relatives who are supposed to be close enough in relation to us but are hardly in contact. She told me about the people who are living and many people who have left this world. Almost everything I heard kept reminding me of my grandfather. And all the while I was listening to my grandmother, I somehow felt that my grandfather was still there in his room. Allah is beautiful.

My cousin scolded me telling that he had enough with seeing that picture with a slipper and the Charminar. I knew I was being a little lazy. Yesterday I didn't write because I didn't want to capture my sad mood - I was already missing my friend and the chats we were having almost everyday till late nights and early mornings. I didn't feel like writing on Sunday. I don't remember what happened on Saturday. I just remember playing cricket with my brother in the evening!

I am not able to fall asleep easily now a days. I go to bed and keep lying for a lot of time tossing and waiting for sleep to hold me. And once I catch up with it, I don't feel like leaving it. I however feel sleep as a waste of time, but I understand it's importance. I will be changing some habits in the days to come.

Tomorrow I have to attend a class at CL at 9:30 am. There I will catch up with the in-charge and explain him how it will be n my benefit if I can find some parallel batch on weekends. I can go there only on Saturdays and Sundays. I hope they can help me. Even my friend there too wants the same thing. InshAllah some way will be found.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Innocents don't throw stones standing inside a mosque

"Whosoever slays an innocent person ... it is as if he had slain humankind altogether." The Holy Quran (5:32)

The above verse of the Holy Quran has nothing to do with the religion of the person or persons involved. Perhaps I should also find some verse or verses from the Holy Quran stating how important it is to keep patience. Along with this, I would also take the pleasure of saying that I find no reason why I should panic. There can be a worry perhaps - of possible riots.

There is supposed to be an 'ijtema' starting from Saturday in Hyderabad where more than 1.5 million people 'were' expected to attend. I had never previously - in the last last few days - thought of going there and I won't be going. I have nothing 'for' or 'against' it. But if people are taking it as an opportunity to show some form of unity among our people by attending it, then they better use some other name for the congregation and not 'ijtema'.

I have seen people talking on several things since late afternoon. None of these conversations had any intention of finding any resolutions. I received several messages of phone but none reminded me of how our prophet Muhammed (pbuh) kept patience even when he was abused and attacked. No message told me that Hazrath Hamza (may Allah be pleased with him) fought a great battle within himself - not responding to the atrocities of the pagans.

After seeing people pelting stones standing at the gates of a mosque at the policemen, I wonder what difference is left between the ones who kill innocent humans and these people. Those who kill innocents, kill the humanity; those who 'use' a mosque for barbaric acts kill the honor of Muslims. I do not support people who do not support peace. I follow a peace loving religion.

They say a 'bandh' will increase the intensity of the protests people are carrying out. The person responsible for guiding this 'bandh' will be accountable for every pain that the citizens will be made to suffer as a direct or an indirect consequence of it. Allah has the knowledge of everything and surely there is nobody who can match that. He is the Merciful and the Master of the day of judgment. People tend to forget this.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I trust my ethical compass

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes other people sick.

Mary Wilson Little

It was around 4 pm that I came out of the passport office. It was simple affair for me to have my application submitted there. I was worried thinking that it would be rejected. I had all the necessary papers with me and even some originals. The most important original I guess was my bank account pass-book and a statement of the same thing. They asked me for it and it was there. Alhamdulillah everything went fine.

I was with my father and on our way back home I had a mug of fruit juice. We even went to the office of IREF to buy some CDs. My head was already aching badly because of the heat. I feel as if I have never seen such high temperature before. The empty roads too speak a lot about the temperatures.

My mother was at home today. She had a terrible ear pain yesterday evening and she didn't go to her office today morning and stayed home all day. She even has to go to her check-up which she has been avoiding all this time. I am tired of shouting at her to make her go. Even my father isn't happy with her attitude towards her health. There is simply no person who can explain her that he has to take care of herself.

My brother has finally decided on which mobile service he must go for. He has been making rounds to several shops to get the right thing for him. He came to know about a package from Hutch but that thing doesn't seem to be available easily. Two shop owners have been making him wait for the last 2 days. Tomorrow morning he will be taking a SIM from Airtel and he is decided about it. I hope it doesn't get delayed anymore.

Today I finished my second class at HP learning center. The first one was a single sitting for security layers in networks so it was not at all worth mentioning. The one I got done with today was on Search Engine Optimization (SEO) and I got a certificate for that. It was just a PDF file which I had to download. There were four lessons that were posted one by one every few days and had quizzes with them. Today was the last lesson. This was the first time I had a look at the idea of online classes. I hope to see more of it. I know there are some interactive classes too.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I am NOT the guy your mamma warned you about!

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.

George Bernard Shaw
Sometime back my brother was playing with a soft rubber ball when he incidentally dropped it towards my father. My father held the ball and refused to give it back. My brother tried to take it away from him forcibly even while he was laughing. I immediately added by asking my father to see how my brother was forcing him to leave the ball. My father asked me to write about it on my blog.

In the evening I met two of my friends at Mehdipatnam. We had to take some photocopies of notes and of course we wanted an excuse to meet. I had to walk a long distance on my way back home. I was in a mood to walk and I did it. My legs are aching now. I woke up after 12 in the afternoon.

Yesterday I reached home after the exam at 2:20 pm. I went to sleep at 4 pm and woke up at 8. This was probably one of the longest of durations I have ever slept during day time. I went to bed in the morning again around 3 am. I had a very sound sleep till 12.

Yesterday I even repaired our old air-cooler. To be precise, repair would not be the appropriate word. I bought a new front-grill and dry grass (I really don't know what exactly it is called as; it is 'khass' here) and fixed it to the cooler. My father did some oiling to the motor and my brother did some cleaning. I was least interested in doing all this, but looking at two of them getting so interested in it, I had to make some action.

Tomorrow I will be going to the passport office. My father said he would take me there. InshAllah this time I will make the application successfully. The last time I went, I understood why India is such an 'India'. I have hardly seen any bureaucracy except for the several months taken by MCH to give us the permission for the construction of 1st floor on our existing house five years back.

I just had a cup of tea. Before that I had honey. I got myself a bottle of that a few days back. I tried it withe milk and sugar but didn't like it's taste that way. I had to add a little coffee to it. I am taking the same combination since then almost daily. It tastes just enough to help me drink it. Some days I tried tasting the fat cream that gets accumulated as a layer on milk. I smelled it first, and I thought it was fine. If I had something in my stomach at that time, I would have vomited it when I tasted that thing.

I have a lot of cleaning work to do at home which I have been avoiding all this time. I even have to wash my clothes which will most probably be done tomorrow. I have to arrange a lot of books and clean a shelf. I know it won't take much time but it is among those things I never feel like doing. Every now and then some scoldings from my mother keep reminding me how lazy I can be. Or probably how lazy I really am.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Some illusion of unspoken reflections

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Jean Kerr

My mother left home at 9:50 am. I was half awake then. I had a mango at 11. I was asleep even till 12:30 am. Then I had a lunch kind of meal at 1:50 pm. Along with my brother I left home at 2:20. The previous morning, I slept around 3:30 am. I had a chat with a friend until then. There were some interesting and important topics to be discussed. All along I had 2 to 3 people in my mind - all of them my friends. Nobody else - please!

Today my mother, at her office, was told that she will have to go to Japan for a month to do some study on rural development of women. She rejected outright. She said she is least interested. I wonder what Japan has to offer to co-operative banking. My mother can never think of leaving us for more than a week. Japan is too far.

Yesterday my brother bought a Nokia 6600. My father had not allowed him to spend more than 5000 bucks so he went for a second-hand set. I was barely happy with his choice of a second-hand piece but it was his money and I was there just to give him company. I had called up a friend to help us.

I also finally got to buy new pairs of shoes for me. I purchased them from Shoe Factory at Sanali mall. I had initially thought of making it at Metro but my friend insisted that I try here. I was satisfied with it. I was tired by the time I reached home. But I was awake till 3:30 am.

I have been doing all interesting things I can never really define. I am probably searching for some new idea every single moment I invent on thinking. Until now I was serious about something, and now I am doing trivial things to beat that seriousness. I am doing wonderfully great and I am glad. I am sure its worth it this time around.

I met two of my friend in the afternoon. We had to take some photocopies to study from for the exam on Monday. I got to talk to one of these two friend after we finished our worked. He seems to be lost in something I can call as madness but it also looks closer to foolishness. I cannot define it to perfection. For the record, I trust him only when he repeats things more than once, being at different places. For the rest of his words, only he knows best.

Today I dreamed of deleting my account on I have been thinking about it for a few days now. Some weeks back I thought of deleting my blogs, but later went on to make two of them private. Deleting the account or keeping it happen to be the only two options. There are some people on I prefer never talking to via yahoo messenger. So I am still in the thinking bracket. I have also created an account on today after getting an invitation from my uncle a couple of days back. I had previously received several invitations but I accepted this.

In my post 'Flawed Simulation' I have described an error in my own being. But I remember simulating several ideas on several occasions. And I have enjoyed them well. In fact I keep doing such things every now and then. There are a few monstrous one I can never forget. One of them being a love-latter I wrote on behalf of a friend. he gave it to his girlfriend. It was written to perfection - no one could ever think that it was not my friend but I who wrote it. I had simulated my existence as my friend's existence by putting myself in his shoes.

Sometimes, I remember, I have taken decisions by imagining myself to be somebody else. It helped me especially when I didn't know what action would be mature or immature. This 'simulation' had put me in some elder person's shoes and had made me think how that person would think if he or she were to be in my place. It helped me. Mostly. And I enjoyed it.

Yesterday while chatting, I told my friend that I was feeling sleepy but didn't want to sleep. I have felt that way before several times. Sleeping looks such a waste of time. But when I go to sleep, something doesn't allow me to wake up again or get out of the bed. Perhaps I am blaming this 'something' which in reality is me. Or it is my laziness. And the laziness belongs to me. It takes a Jihad sometimes!

I am yet to have my dinner and it is already 11 pm. Everybody at home is done with it. I had the lunch after Magrib. I do feel some hunger but I am not much interested in what the food lying on the dining table has to offer. But thats the only thing available. There is some chicken cooked in 'masala' and 'naan ki rooti'. I had the same thing in lunch. I will probably have rice and not the 'naan'. I also want something cold to drink; have to look into the refrigerator. Water won't be sufficient. I thank Allah for everything and more.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Its just a place

"Tell the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity for them; And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.

And tell the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty…" (Quran 24:30-31).

We had some showers here today but that could hardly provide any respite from the heat. All that caused was another power failure. I remember few years back when Mr. Chandrababu Naidu was at the chief minister's office, a power failure used to remind me that something of that kind exists just because it used to happen once in several months. Now a days whenever I start installing some software on my computer or when I am talking something important to somebody through the computer, the threat of power going off keeps haunting me. Power has become the most unreliable of all the commodities. Perhaps that is what it means to the Congress's hand with us!

I finally wrote a post for Flowing Emotions. I don't really know how it is; all I know that I have written and I am happy. I started before dinner, had to take a break for dinner, then had to take a second break to get something from outside, and could at last finish it. Microsoft's Office 2007 seems to be a lot better and more powerful than it's previous version. I can directly publish the posts without having to open Previously there was a separate plugin for this purpose.

Just sometime back I finished taking prints of the marks sheets I have prepared copying the marks of 10th standard students of my father's school. Their results were announced today. Though my father is not completely satisfied, he knows that this is what he can expect the students. These students come from very poor family backgrounds where education hardly means anything. There are many students who study just because my father and my uncle have convinced them and are giving them free education. There are some girl students who flunked in one subject out of the six. When I told my father that they can clear that in the instant examinations, he told me that their parents won't be interested in it. Their parents just want their daughters to get married. This was very saddening. This is how it works my father said.

I hardly did anything today apart from sleeping. In the evening I completed some cleaning, then I wrote this article on the other blog and created marks list in MS - Excel. It was just data feeding. And it was boring. The number of students was just 37 - 15 from English medium and the rest from Urdu. I showed averages to my father and tried to tell him that he should give some 'special' time for teaches teaching second and third languages. I have explained this to him even the last year but this year's performance shows that no much action was taken against them.

I have taken these above verses from the Holy Quran here to take some some time understand how even men have to be careful with their chastity. In fact Allah has ordered men first to lower their gaze and guard their modesty, and then the women. Wearing modest clothes applies to men first. This also means that even men are not allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It also means that even men have to keep their gaze lowered. These verses mean many things and I can go on for pages.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I can never thank Allah enough

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for instance.

John Ruskin

I was wanting to write so much for today. I wanted write how good the people at RTA office were with me today and how being courteous in language and expressions works in our favor. I wanted to write how I felt when I came to know that being an educated person of 20 years would make no difference to me when it comes to having a passport for myself. Then I also wanted to know how I found a way to make things easier for me.

I was planning something for Flowing Emotions and had already made up my mind to make it into reality after dinner. In fact I had two things and I was happy that I would be writing something for that blog after so many days. I had so much of other material to flaunt and flirt with. But the power played a spoil sport. I had to spend more than 2 hours in darkness - almost 3 I guess. It was very disheartening.

But I asked my father if we could go out and have tea. We went out around 11:45 pm. The restaurant were we usually go was closed so we had to slide ourselves into a small hotel that appeared closed from outside. We had tea standing at the counter - there was no place to sit. I was expecting the power to be back when I came home. But it was disheartening again.

I left home today morning around 8:30 am after waking up at 7. After I reached the passport office, I realized how bad the Ministry of External Affairs in India was doing. I pity those people! I came to know that there is a counter for tokens that shows opens at 5:30 am in the morning and closes at 7. This counter had a tablet saying the timings as starting from 9:30 am. This was interesting. People there asked me to come at 5:30 am.

I had a friend with me and we were discussing that we have been living in Hyderabad for more than 20 years now, we have had schooling at the best schools in the city, we had a good college for our +2 studies and we are going to be engineers in a year from now and that too from a very good college. All this was immaterial here as we had to compete with people coming from rural areas who didn't even know how to fill the applications forms for the passport. I thought it to be unfair. I couldn't believe that there was no other way for people like me.

While I was saying all this, I had in my mind that I was showing some pride ans some sort of superiority complex. But I enjoyed the talk. Then my friend told me that something might be possible online and I noted down the URL that was made available there on some banners. I have tried it and I have an appointment for 16th. I need to be there at 3:15 pm with all the necessary papers and also a print of the form I had to fill online. I even have a file number now. This brought some relief. Now a days they are issuing passports within 35 days.

I was at the college at 10:50 pm. I waited for my friends for almost an hour. It was such a nice sight to see them when they appeared in front me. I simply can't imagine going away from them. They have become an integral of my life playing a role similar to the one being played by my parents and my brother. We spent some time studying for Design and Analysis of Algorithms and we spent the rest of the time enjoying. At 3:50 pm I was at the RTA office near my house.

I finally managed to get my father's newly-purchased two-wheeler's registration card and number. I had to request a few people there to help me and they were good. I couldn't believe they could be so fine. I felt nice knowing that there are ways to get good response even from people who are said to be very annoying and crude. I was polite with them and they responded the same way. I had my lunch after reaching home and slept. I had to do a lot of walking to reach home.

My brother is planning to buy a cell phone for himself. He had narrowed on Nokia 6600 but my parents said enough to clear the narrow area. They asked him to buy something more basic. He is more than four years younger to me and especially when I had taken a phone after coming to engineering third year, he is not supposed to have a phone right away. Somehow my parents have agreed and he is still confused with what he must do. There are chances that he will drop the plan but just sometime back he asked me if I could take him to some shop tomorrow. I agreed.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

It really don't matter to me now

Around 2:30 pm yesterday I had a mango in my right hand and a knife in the left. I was about to use my hands on the two things when my father arrived home. He asked me to stop immediately and have the vegetable pulao he had brought. He got it from some restaurant named 'Raaga' on him way back home near Rajendranagar. It was nice.

I tried to sleep after that but could hardly bear the heat. My house being on 1st floor with no shadows around, makes up for super-heated rooms inside. The mattress kills. Even though I had hardly slept for an hour the previous night, I slept after 3 am yesterday. I woke up at 10 today.

Sunday night my friend had come to my house late evening and was here till almost 3 am. We studied half of the time and enjoyed the rest. Not that studying was not enjoyable, the other part was a little extra. Yesterday night too one of my friends was here for some time. I had even tried to watch television yesterday, but had to switch it off. Nothing could convince me.

Today at 10:25 am a friend came to my house. We went to PVR Cinema from there. He wanted to buy tickets for Superman 3. He had plans to watch it with his old school friend. Even I had a plan to watch that movie with my other friends, but not at PVR. He didn't get tickets there. We went to Sensation and came to know that there was no advance booking and tickets could be purchased just sometime before the show. We spent sometime at a friend's house, then came back here again.

Few more of my friends joined, we purchased the tickets, and left for Prasad's - to have something at McDonald's. The show was from 3:30 pm and reached home a little after 6. I won't say much about the movie. I watch them so that I could be with my friends and find some entertainment. I never get much into any movies - especially never into a movie with the idea of superheroes. These two days I had thought of several small things I could write on my blog. But now when I try to recollect them, nothing comes up!

I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself.

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

Friday, May 4, 2007

Do I look like something else?

Yesterday evening we had to attend a wedding function - my mother's cousin was getting married. Even while everybody was getting ready, I kept myself at the computer. I simply was reading something when I made up mind that I will stay home. I had no specific purpose for such a feeling - I wanted to stay home. When I told my parents, my mother started with a little scolding.

My father asked me a 'why?'. I said 'simply'. That was the only reason I had. I explained to my mother that there are times when we have to attend such functions and I really feel like attending them but we don't go because she or my father feel the otherwise. She as angry with me. But this was not all.

I was at the computer with my father and mother in the bedroom talking something. I could hardly hear them but I managed my mother's last sentence. She said to my father that she will never search for any girl for me to get married and I will have to do it myself. I was dumb-struck. I simply couldn't get why she had to say such a thing and in what way it was related to me not going to wedding party. But relating to a little past, I knew I had the answer.

My parents are sure that I am into some affair with some girl - most probably some friend. And yesterday they were thinking that I had to talk to that girl and so, I wanted to stay home. Though they never spoke to me on such a thing or never tried to find out anything - as far as I know - the trust my father has in me perhaps tells him that I will let him know whenever I find it appropriate. Only I know I have nothing of that sort that I may say.

I have spoken to my father several times on love-marriages. My mother keeps mentioning about me and my brother getting married and the related kinds of things. On last Saturday she was telling my aunt that she should have enough money to get me and my brother married. My aunt told my mother that she has sons and not daughters and her sons will take care of everything. But my mother said she will do what all she can do. I was sitting next to her behaving as if they are talking about some person I have never met.

Some days back I was thinking how nice it ca be if I could get rid of the internet connection I have with my computer. A couple of days back my mother said that I am not studying ans so there should be no such connection. I didn't say a word but like it happens every month, she gave me the required money I might be needing to clear the monthly bills. I hardly meant what she said. But I could see a mischievous kind of smile on her face expecting me to burst out. She was probably thinking that I would ask her to keep the connection so that I can chat with the girl I am having an affair with.

Please. I am not a part of any such thing. I am not in love with any girl and also I am not aware of any girl having such a thing for me. I can never even think of having any such relationship. I hate the concept of girlfriends. Allah save me. I don't know if I can explain my parents all this. I don;t even know if I really have to clear things with them. The best part is that, even after thinking that I am into something like that, they are not asking for any explanations, nor are they trying to stop me. Alhamdulillah.

Things have always been kept casual and open between me and my parents. I know there are things I had to hide from them but if I compare myself with other people I know, I know that I am more transparent. transparent in a way that makes my parents know about me - as much as I want them to know about me. But now a days, they are making thoughts of their own.

But I feel fine about this. It is not a bad problem to have. In fact I might reconsider terming it as a problem. But if my mother really means what she told my father yesterday, then I can see something bad for me. Now, again I do not know if that can be bad. I also feel like laughing aloud. But I don't know how exactly I must react. Thinking Allah is always the best thing. He has always kept things in my favor - in some way or the other.

Wednesday evening I left for my grandmother's place. My uncle and aunt had to go out to attend some party and my grandmother had to stay home. My mother asked me if I am willing to give my grandmother some company in the evening as she would be alone at home. I agreed. I had the option of coming home back after my uncle arrived, I chose to spend the night there. I spoke and listened to what all my grandmother had to say for a couple of hours - and I liked that. Then I spent the same number of hours talking to my uncle. The next day - yesterday - I went to my college to take a copy of my intermediate mark-sheet. Three of my friends came over and I had some good time with them.

On my way back home I had to check out at the local RTA office for the RC of the two-wheeler my father had bought some weeks back. I was asked to come at 4 pm. When I reached home my father told me that I was stinking. I knew I badly needed a bath but hearing that I was stinking was embarrassing. I took a shower, had my lunch and slept. The previous night, though I had gone to sleep early, I remember being awake till 2 am.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I am happiness!

I spent almost all of my evening smiling and laughing sitting in front of the computer. There wasn't much I did today except washing the car but I am happy. Alhamdulillah. I had grilled chicken in dinner and it was heavy. But I feel like eating something more now. I will have some biscuits before I go to sleep. I even had the first of mangoes today - first for me this summer.