Monday, March 26, 2007

If it is done again ... Allah help me

I was reading a book around 9:30 pm and I don't remember when I fell asleep. I woke up by myself a little after 10 pm and kept my eyes closed. I felt as if I was still into the book with just only one thing running in my head - money. The book is about money. My parents were calling me for dinner but I was so much into the ideas of the book spreading within me that I was hardly bothering to respond to them. I finally had dinner and came in front of the 17 inch screen at 10:45 pm.

I don't feel like writing about when I woke up in the morning and when I reached the college. It makes me feel guilty as I wasted a lot of time and I know I am going to do almost a similar things tomorrow. I spent almost the whole day with my friends. There was a class in the morning which I missed; I reached the college when it was getting over.

In the evening, around 5 pm I accompanied my friends to Taj Banjaara where they were booking the place for farewell party. The name of the hall booked is 'Anjuman' and the date decided is the 5th of April. And as I have already said, I am away from everything.

My friends have been asking me about it. Today I told my parents that it can be possible that any of my friends would call them to ask why I am keeping away from it, and I asked them to tell that they have no idea about anything. They had the same question my friends were asking - "who do you want to skip the party?". They even said that I won't get such chances again in my life. I don't agree with them. There are bigger things I value.

It has been a quiet evening after I reached home; just had some talks with m parents about the farewell and I stay with myself. I had been thinking about my friend who tried to convince me to come to the party. I felt bad I had to stick to my word. I can't explain how I feel every time I am tell a 'no'.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Heavy in my heart

I had quantitative analysis at CL today and we studied Permutations. It was a bit tough and cumbersome. I even got the next packet of preparation books. The tension is beginning to build up with November nearing. This might seem ludicrous for any person who is not writing CAT! Time is moving fast and it is faster especially at times when things begin to appear threatening.

I just now set the washing machine for 'spin'. I had my clothes long back but totally lost the track of what was going on in the house after having dinner at 10:15 pm. My brother reminded me that I had to finish the washing thing. The machine is showing some problem when ever it is set for all the tree functions at once - wash, rinse and spin. I am doing the last one separately.

In the evening I had been to my grandmother's house. Last Sunday I took mu uncle's CR writer and I had to return it. I spent more than 2 hours there and felt the sorrow left by my grandfather's death. It is more than two months now but whenever I go there I still get a feeling that he is still in the house, in his room. We have not yet cleared his things - we didn't get the will to do it. But it hurts more when I see his bed and his table with all his medicines and books arranged they way he used to keep it. A layer of dust shows that he hasn't touched them for two months now.

I remember reading a quote. I read it long back, but recollected it just yesterday. "In three words I can sum up everything I have learnt about life. It goes on." Maybe I have moved on in my life, but past is always recorded in our brains and we can seldom erase it. I miss my grandfather. He was one of the dearest people in my life. I will miss him till I die.

We see some things and we perceive that it has no light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen a few myself but every time this happened, light came in from somewhere. Perhaps that quote means more than what really it makes apparent to me. Greatness of Allah is beyond any measure.

I had 'nahari' in the dinner. There was some chicken too to make the dinner perfect. I didn't eat much even when there was so much offered. I don't have an answer why I didn't. Something seems to hurt me and the problem is that I don't know what it exactly is. Calling myself a fool can't be a good thing to do now. It can make more sense if there was nothing like love.

I have been giving myself some extra doses of Hindi songs. I have lost many English ones to the crash of my computer's operating system and now, the only numbers I could assemble on the drive till now are the ones given to me by one of my friends and a couple of CDs I had made long back. Songs from DDLJ and some remixes are finding me enthralled!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

My word

I reached home at 8:45 pm today. I had been to college with not very clear reasons. I had some work in the lab with OOSD. I spent some time in the library and some of it in the canteen. I reached my grandmother's house at 2:40 pm, had lunch, and slept for an hour.

Sometime back I returned from a walk with my father. I asked him if we could go out, he agreed, and we did. We had tea at a near by hotel and he smoked a cigarette. I thought of telling a few things but refrained from them. I was lacking courage. But I did talk about something that helped me know what he thinks about the thing I wanted to talk on. I understand I am being idiosyncratic saying all this as it must not be making any sense, but it is just what I mean to write here.

Yesterday in the evening I took a ride on my father's new two-wheeler. It was simple and I could handle the vehicle with no much trouble. I just need to have a little idea about the application of brake. Or I should say, I need to let myself know that this vehicle has two brakes unlike a car, and the one I must be frequently using is the one near my right foot and not the right hand.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Tendentious. Oh! Is it?

I have been thinking about today's posting since afternoon because I told a few of my friends that I would be writing the reason for not willing to be a part of the farewell party preparations and also the party itself in today's post. The poignancy is that I don't have a single valid reason for the said thing. This puts me in a predicament and should I try to justify anything, it would be simple prattling on trivialities. I don't possess any dexterity to give elucidations on what all I say, but I do know what I am saying and I stand by it as long as I find myself judicious.

Chocolate and coffee are two delicacies I love to live on. I like coffee for its exuberantly enthralling taste and chocolate for several reasons including a few emotional ones. I love chocolate when it is luscious, pure and thick. I like taking it little by little, enjoying every dot of it that enters my mouth. I enjoy it till it takes me to a pinnacle of joy - the joy that be obtained by eating something; I can't mean anything more than that; I can't in fact - and after that I am done! I never take more than a mug (400 ml) of coffee in a day - as long as I don't have to keep myself awake for long hours - and so I never reach any form of self-palpable apex with coffee.

At times it so happens that I don't feel like eating chocolate even when I haven't tasted it for hours. I underscore the word 'feel' here. I always believe that it is several times easier to feel than to think and so, I find it appropriate to underscore this word in this given context. Coming back to chocolate - some times I simply don't feel like eating it. Simply.

Music has always been a weakness of mine. In general I hate rap but I find 'walou', 'peelo' and 'mocking bird' somewhat amusing. I don't put the tracks by Linkin Park under rap. I am more penchant towards numbers with good lyrics and a good low bass - beats. And obviously, the songs I listen to are more centered to the kind of feelings I have within me. I highlight the word feelings here! And there are times when I don't feel like listening to any songs - no matter how good they are. Feel ... I am sure the point is made again about this word.

Sometimes I don't feel like eating food in spite of being flummox as to why I 'feel' so. Then there are moments of undefined temptations when I feel like not keeping my eyes open! Some times I don't feel like breathing though my nostrils. Maybe if I push my brain a little further I can give a few more such immutable or irrevocable feelings I experience or perchance, keep experiencing. Feelings ... !

In a similar way I don't feel like being in any link to the farewell party which most of my batch mates and friends are organizing for the seniors who are spending their last days in the college at this time of the year. I don't have a reason for this that can be perceived by any other person but me. May be even if I had somebody who could be called my alter ego, I am half-sure that that person too could have not understood my reason. And after all, it is a feeling, and feelings seldom find any reason for their existence.

This, whatever termed as - reason, unreasonable reason, ludicrous feeling, inanity, or anything - is my justification for keeping away from the above said event. I have nothing against any person involved in it, I am not bringing any truths of religion into this, I don't want to be sanctimonious, it is just a show, I don't want to put forward any excuses, I don't want to make any person coming back to me asking for money and me telling that I would be giving it the next day even while knowing that I would not be doing that, and I don't want to cheat anybody including me.

It won't make any difference if I am not there in the party. There were innumerable such occasions till now in the past and all of them were without me! And I am not a best friend or a closest friend of any person that would make him or her skip the party because I am not going to be there. It is plain and simple - things will go the way they have to indifferent to my behavior.

After the Friday prayers I had my lab internal test for Computer Graphics. I took a little help from a friend sitting beside me in clarifying a few things I was unsure about and I suppose it accounts for cheating. But I don't know if I should feel guilty for it. I don't feel it. I think I could have done the two programs perfectly well even without those clarifications. But they saved some time. Having a friend sitting beside always makes me talk. I would be sinning if I don't call it cheating if it really is. And if it really is, then maybe I should recheck my fundamentals.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Yesterday I went to bed at 12:30 am after turning the computer off at 12. I didn't know what to write. Even now as I type this, I do not know what I am going to have in the next sentence.

Right from yesterday I was not completely sure if I was going to the college today. Today morning a friend called and I stayed back home. I had a full breakfast after many days. I have been having a banana, a fried egg and a mug of coffee daily. Last three days I took some other thing and not coffee. Its getting hot here with temperatures soaring day by day. After the breakfast I spent some time in front of the computer and went to sleep again. I slept for more than 3 hours. I felt bad I wasted too much time.

Tomorrow I have a lab internal test in Computer Graphics. I still have to start studying. The test is int he afternoon after the Friday prayers so I guess I have time. This very thing - "I have time" - is the worst thing that always happens. I don't think I need to further explain why I say this. It is pretty apparent.

Yesterday a company named Embedded Infotech selected some students from 3rd year CSE and IT branches. We had an aptitude cum technical test. Many must have qualified given that the test was simple enough. But only a few selected students were shortlisted. One of my friends too was there in the list. The next round saw a technical interview. He couldn't somehow manage that. I told my parents about everything. In contrast to my expectations, they didn't react the way I thought they would.

I was in the college yesterday till 6:10 pm. I had a class at CL from 6:30 pm. It was a workshop on quantitative analysis and we discussed Arithmetic topics like percentages, profit & loss, time-speed-distance, allegations and a little more. I reached home around 9:30 pm. In the mean while both my parents called me at least 5 times. They forgot that I had a class in the evening. I had earlier in the day called up my brother to inform him about the same. And when my brother told my mother that I had a class, she didn't understand it! I had to do a bit of controlling of my anger.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Today afternoon along with 3 of my friends I went to Durgam Cheruvu. We just sat on its boundary wall and didn't enter the lawns. We cracked lots of jokes, had some fun on our way back at 'Metropolis', and I reached home just before 6 pm.

Yesterday evening we had a small dinner party at a cousin's house and by the time I reached home it was 11:30 pm. Earlier yesterday, I went to watch the movie '300'. It was nice. But I have seen better movies!

And the reason why I wasn't updating my blog is that my operating system crashed completely on Friday and I lost more than 60 Gb of data. I can get a few things back, but a good part of it can never be recreated. I lost some things I have been collecting for the last 2 years and more. I still had my operating system back in its original form - thanks again to Hewlett Packard.

I don't know what to write. If I start typing the whole week that went by, it will take at least 2000 words and I, perhaps, don't have that much patience now! I am a kind of egoist today, I don't feel like sharing much. But I can definitely tell that my father bought a new two-wheeler on Friday. It is Honda Eterno.

I have my second internal tests starting in the next week and the lab externals from 16th of April. The finals will begin on 25th.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I opened my blog today and found that the last post I published was on 12th and it is 15th already. I didn’t feel anything because I didn't think anything about it! This might sound silly to read but it means a lot more than what can be understood by anybody.

Today after the college I had ice cream at Baskin and Robins, the one opposite to Care Hospital. I had chocolate almond and it was one of the best ice creams I ever had. The most important part is that I was with my friends and I was a mélange of happiness, bliss and love. All the laconic times I am having now will never leave me.

Yesterday a friend was telling me that there is a lot more to be done and things are not settled yet. My reply was it is perchance a good idea to take everything out of happiness as long it stays with us; we never know what the next second would bring. What I meant was that, the way I am trying to make the best out what I am presently indubitably may not be the same tomorrow. Many things in life are ephemeral.

What I showed today morning was a saddening side of me I didn’t know ever existed. I forgot to take my lab record to the college. I had a lab internal for Computer Networks and it was invariably obvious that the lecturer wouldn’t let me write the test if I went in without the record. I had studied in the morning and like I do daily, I simply took my bag and left for the college. At 9:30 am I realized that I was in a problem.

At 9:55 am one of my friends came to the college, took another friend’s two-wheeler, went home and brought a record. The record belonged to my friend and the changing of the name too was done by the same friend. I didn’t know and I continue not knowing how I must thank for the concern my friend has shown. I wonder if I can ever be such a good person.

The lab internal was enough to leave me not quibbling on anything; not even disappointed. All this even when I couldn’t execute the program and I don’t remember giving even a single to-the-point answer to the questions posed to me during the viva. This might be in a way presenting a kind of picture that says that I am not at all serious about my studies. I don’t find it necessary to give any explanations. Do I sound impertinent?

There are several hours that escaped from being blogged. Some because of my indolence, some because they were impalpable, and some because I do keep a life private and classified from my blog! Yesterday my cousin did ask me to write a little on things I have been eluding from giving them a form. I rather prefer a 'simple' sentence: “I am a lackey of my own emotions and the last thing I would do is create a labyrinth too lachrymose besides offering any ideas of the immaculate mellifluous milieu I am surrounded with”.

Monday, March 12, 2007

I am not asinine

Somehow I thought I shouldn't be writing much in the blog at a time when I find so much moving and changing. But all along I still wonder if there really are things that are moving and changing. I have already believed in some things to be my destiny and destiny never moves. It is not my mistake if I sound idiosyncratic; I am moving!

My printer is giving me some serious problems. I got my cartridge refilled and have also tried a friend's cartridge on it. The paper moves and comes out with nothing printed on it. My friend to is said to have a similar problem. I am worried as I have two lab internal tests coming up and I have to submit my record files for which I would be needing printouts of many programs. I don;t know what to do and whose help to take to get things fixed.

I reached home a little before 5 pm today. It was after a long time that I reached early. I started alone for the college. My friend who usually accompanies me had a class and I didn't wait for him. I didn't feel like waiting. We had a talk on the phone and he said he is angry with me. Just that his voice was laughing and silently uttering that he didn't mean to say that.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sunday Afternoon

Sometime back I returned from CL and had my breakfast. Today and yesterday evening we were busy with Geometry. It was a bit difficult when compared to other topics like algebra and number systems. InshAllah I will manage.

Yesterday I woke up at 9 pm sharp. I couldn't believe I actually did it. The night before I had slept late as usual and as Saturday was a holiday I was thinking of having a good sleep. But even as I wanted to sleep more, I had that thing in my mind which said I have be awake and work a little. Alhamdulillah Allah helped me by not providing electricity to my house in the morning. I had no option but to move out of the bed.

Friday evening along with my parents and brother I went out for dinner. We had some plans of having dinner outside on 6th to celebrate my brother's birthday. Somehow we couldn't and so, it was Friday. We had it at Cinnamon.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

A beginning ... there will be no end

I deleted one of my blogs today. It had three posts out of which two were poems. I somehow felt that it shouldn't be available online or in the public. I could have converted it into a private blog but I felt that it is better off deleted. I am happy I did it. I am happy for many things today. Allah has been very kind to me. I have my emotions feeling in my eyes as I write this. I don't know how to thank Allah for everything. I write this not only for the reason my friends know me to be happy for today, there is one more thing too I don't want to mention it yet. InshAllah I will share that soon.

I came home after 6 pm today. I was in the college till 5:10 pm. After reaching home I immediately turned on the computer. I took a break from it at around 6:30 pm and was back with it again. Then I had some conversations on the phone with a few of my friends. I got two ink cartridges refilled today - a friend's and mine. I still have to buy the complete bottle of ink which would let me do the refills at home.

Later, after three trips to Tolichowki cross roads - two for the cartridges and one for getting dinner from outside - I sat down to write the certificates for the people who where organizers and volunteers during Adsophos. As against my thinking that it would be take a lot of time for me to finish the work, it hardly took any. The pointed-tip permanent-marker which I bought today was of good help. Previously I was finding it a bit tiring to use a gel pen. It didn't give me the freedom to move the tip fast on the paper.

Today my mother came home late. She had been to my grandmother's house. Then she had to prepare for a class which she will be taking tomorrow at Co-operative Training Institute (CTI). It is outside the city. I am not sure but as far as remember it is near Vikharabad. She just told me that she had to look back at a subject she last saw more than five years back. Tomorrow she will be teaching that to some younger employees. And as she was busy and tired today, we had out dinner brought home from outside. It was 'nahaari' with 'naan' and also chicken 'biryaani'!

Tomorrow we will be having a small party at college. I am not sure what exactly it is going to be but we will also be given certificates for being a part of Adsophos. There is supposed to be some ceremony too - for the certificate distribution. It should start by 3 pm. It is a Friday so I will be having classes till 12:30 pm.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007


As once I have written in this blog that it is some times nice that I don't put an update when I am not in the best of my moods, I did the same thing yesterday. But I really don't know if my mood was bad enough. Perhaps it was not my mood but something else I didn't wish my blog to reflect. But no matter how much I try I can't escape a few things - I am writing an update today and it is telling clearly that there was something that I don't want to write. It can't be more obvious. I am bound by my feelings to have today's post written in a confusing manner. I won't make much sense!

When I slept on Saturday night - morning to be more clear - I was charged up. I had a lot of vigor within me that could have made me do anything. It was nice that I slept. Sometimes it is nice and in the best of interests that I don't do anything. But anyways I don't remember me doing much. I am more of inactivity except online! The raw vigor had turned into some refined strength. But it all collapsed yesterday after the college. It was around 4 pm if I remember it well. I was disappointed with myself.

But my friend was there to help me. What I wanted to start did start with that friend's help. But it didn't go much ahead. It was supposed to be like the whole world coming down for me. But even that didn't happen. I had my friends around me, for me, and that helped me to remain like me. I left for home. And I slept.

When I woke up, I realized that I had left my phone unattended for quiet long and it was in silent mode. I found many missed calls and a messages in it. I felt a little bad that I forgot to put it on 'general'. The calls were more important than the sleep.

Today morning when I woke up, I couldn't think of anything - I had stomach ache. I somehow pushed myself to get ready. I avoided eating the daily banana and used 'Bournvita' instead of coffee in the milk. Just before leaving, I had to reconsider going to the college. But it was important for me to go. I had not attended the Computer Graphics class for long, I had missed it even yesterday when I thought that period to be of another subject. I pulled an antacid in my mouth and left not listening to my mother who was asking me to stay home. She perhaps thought I had to meet somebody today! This happened before once.

Allah relieved me of the pain in less than 30 minutes. It was a wonderful feeling being back to normal. We can understand good health only when we know what pain and bad health is. Like I always say this, Allah has always been kind to me. SubhanAllah.

In the afternoon I had the lab for computer Graphics. I was expecting the lecturer to get angry wit me a little. Though I had submitted my lab record, I had not done those programs by myself and my attendance too in this subject was low. She was calling everybody to ask about the programs done. When my turn came, I had to be a little low on my integrity ethics! Today I had done just one program and that too was with the help of some existing programs and also my neighbor. In fact I can say that I had copied it completely. She was satisfied with my answers. I pity myself.

A few minutes later I asked her if I could have my record file back. She took it and started checking it first. She had already corrected it. She asked me how I could print all those programs when I had not done them by myself. I told her I copied. When she asked me from where I copied them, I told her "from here and there"! I am sure she expected some lie from me. She was happy with my answers again. She asked me to write he page numbers in the record and returned it to me.

During the lunch I called my aunt who lives in Mecca. She was not well and I had been wanting to talk to her for the last few days. She said she is fine now. Alhamdulillah. She met with an Indian doctor there who is from Kerala and he is good enough to give her the required treatment. She still has to undergo some tests and inshAllah they all will show her normal. It was really talking to her. I missed her a lot after she left India in January. I can still hear her two sons calling my name. They were so sweet.

After coming home I took a very short nap. When my father came home he told me about the telephone conversation he had today with his eldest brother. He had just heard from him after several years. I was glad to know that my uncle knows me by my name. He said he was going to retire soon from his office there. When my father asked him to come to India, he instead asked him to come over there to France. My father explained to him that there are more people here he could meet than the ones my father can meet if he goes there.

When my father asked him to come here, he started calculating in Euroes how much it would all mean to cost him. He also tried to calculate his expenditure on tea and cigarettes if he comes here. He surely remembers his days here and being in France for 34 years has made him like that. I somehow tried to relate him to what I am learning from the book 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'. I am looking forward to meet him.

Monday, March 5, 2007


Sometime back I was thinking that I won't be updating the blog today. But somehow felt like taking some time out. Out of something that is of not much importance, but just a commitment I had made and enjoying it. I brought home a hard-drive belonging to a friend of mine. There were around 40 movies in it. I copied all of them onto my hard-drive.

I formatted this friend's drive. Created four partitions on it. And now i am copying back the movies in them. Previously there were just two partitions - one of 31 Mb and the other of around 140 Gb. The drive is of 160 Gb and it had some problem in it. The bigger of the two partitions was in NTFS format. I used Partition Magic 8.0 and made the four partitions in FAT32 format. Its taking a lot of time and patience. I had to return this as a favor - my pleasure.

Before that I had some over-eating. I drank tea, had sweets, lot of grapes and then my food. I was fearing some problem with my stomach, but Alhamdulillah I am fine. I kept my dinner a bit heavy too as the curry and the type of rice were my favorite - 'khaageena' and 'bagaara khaana'. There was biryaani, plain rice and two more curries which I left untouched.

In the evening a friend of mine cam over to my house. We watched some selected parts of the movie 'Troy' and discussed a little about them. We also kept bugging each other for long. While on the way home he said something and I punched him hard on his bone a little above the cheek. It was red for long. I didn't really mean to beat him and never can I think of beating him so hard. I was wanting to hit his shoulder when his cheek came in between.

I felt very bad that I did it. Even now I have some guilt feeling within me. I asked him to beat me back. Then I stopped him from doing it. He too wasn't much interested for a counter. I know I can' bear the pain I gave him. If he was not my friend, perhaps I would have been lying on a hospital bed right now! I am sorry for the pain I gave him. JazakAllah Kharan.

After he left I had a good chat with online with a friend. It was necessary that I talk all that. It is always a blessing to have such sweet friends and no matter what I do I know I can't thank Allah for all this. I don't even know any proper ways to thank my friends. It feels great to have people who can advice me and be my critics alongside being the best of all those in my life. I wonder if I can ever match them and return the same.

I write this not just for the two friends I have mentioned here, but also for all those who have been there for me and continue to be there. Presently in my mind I also have two more friends - one who messaged me sometime back making me feel that I am worthy of something, and the one who changed his picture on Orkut when I asked him to do it.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

It is enough to breath?

It was a good and satisfying day for me. There were still things I had wanted to do but didn't. I woke up a little before 12 noon. Had my breakfast and sat in front of the computer. My father had asked me to prepare a few questions in mathematics for students of 4th to 7th standard. He is going to have some test taken for them in his school. I took around 30 minutes to make the question paper. I took the help of internet and framed some questions by myself.

In the evening I finished the reading of a book. I had stopped reading that book some days back but just because I wanted to start this new book I bought , I found the necessity to read it till the end and finish it. For those who remember reading the name of 'Magnet People' in my blog, I would like to tell that it is the very book I have completed! I spent months with it. It was very small - 115 pages. I brought it this far. I read so many other things in the meanwhile.

The book I have bought is 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' by Robert T. Kiyosaki. I came to know abut this book from an instructor at CL while in the Personality Development Program session. One of my classmates at CL has started reading it he is already impressed by it. The book teaches business and its related strategies and how money needs to be made and not earned. I understand that no person will get rich by reading such books, but I also understand that people who are rich know all these things and it is always good know all of it without getting rich! I accept my answer is not convincing. The book is supposed to be a 'must-read' and I will be reading it. Our life never becomes a perfect story if we read novels.

We finally got a light fixed on the wall behind my computer. I had always wanted it because the light from the one on the wall opposite to it directly pinches my eyes when the computer screen reflects it on them. With the new light on it seems as if something big has changed in this living room. We also got a similar new lamp fixed in one of the bedrooms. My brother sits there while studying and he wanted it.

From tomorrow start my brother's final examinations. It is his Arabic paper tomorrow and her went to bed just a few minutes back. The exam starts at 8 am and the examination is some college at Rethi Bowli. My father would be dropping him and he will come back home by himself. Its 5th tomorrow and on 6th is his birthday. He will be busy studying and won't have any celebration. I have to gift him something and I do not know what to give. I asked him if there is something specific he wants. He didn't say anything.

Since many days back I had been wanting to write something for Flowing Emotions. I have already mentioned about this in one of my recent posts. Today I also got a comment on Gridlocked asking telling me that a post on Flowing Emotions is awaited. It was like a motivation for me and I posted something a little while ago. The title is 'Nationalism and Patriotism and Dangerous Ideas'. This can be a provocative piece of writing but I mean to write it. I have been thinking about it for some time now.

My last post on Flowing Emotions was in January. I didn't write for more than two months for that blog. Today when I opened MS - Word, it was hard for me to find the right ideas to type. I didn't know what direction to take and what all to tell. I typed some things which I later deleted thinking that they would be more naive and silly. I also felt a few things as useless to be written and some things as subjective enough to be left behind.

I didn't really keep a track of what I was writing until I came to point where I thought I could end the post. And I did it. I wasn't satisfied with what all I had written but after reading it and editing it a little, I felt better and happy. I still search for some person who can help me learn how to write effective and how to keep on writing. I am also afraid that I am not growing much with my English skills. There is a lot more to be learned. I am not a writer yet! :D

Today I told my parents that I wrote about my mother calling my father as Mr. Bean. My mother after hearing it said that she didn't mean to call him Mr. Bean but she only meant my father was behaving like Mr. Bean. Father coolly said that was what reporting is all about - a thing compared to something is equivalent to that thing being called that something! He was in a casual mood and he didn't mind me writing about all of it the way I wrote it. He read nothing and I hope he never reads anything. My brother didn't like my idea of having all this on my blog.

Currently I am nervous about something. I spoke about it on phone wit a friend and he advised me what all he could think of. I needed it all. There is something very important for me that is to be done. I pity I can't write anything about it here. If I could, then perhaps it would have made me feel better. I always feel nice after letting my blog know how I am feeling about a particular thing or anything, mostly.

If I am able to do what I am thinking of, then my life will change forever. It can be good and it can be bad. But in any case it won't effect any person. Except me and maybe one more. If it is bad, then the person moved will be me alone. If it is good, it is going to be the best thing I can think of presently. I am sure anyone knowing me will get a clear hint of what I am saying here.

There is a blog I read regularly. It is written by the same person who left a comment on Gridlocked (I mention this just to tell who the person is). I can't write any names here. I found a good article on her blog and I feel like sharing it. I have taken her permission to publish it here and it is very much her intellectual property. I just share it here.

"To Orkut or not to Orkut, that is the question

Scene 1 (on orkut)
Boy: hi, wanna be friends?
Girl: sure
Boy: so where do you live?
Girl: Chicago, how about you?
Boy: London
Girl: wow I’ve always wanted to go to London
Boy: oh really? you should visit then, I could show you around ☺. By the way is that your picture on the display?
Girl: yes it is, and is that you too?
Boy: wow you are pretty, do you have a boyfriend?
Girl (blushing and feeling happy): no I don’t.
(The chat pursues for a while and they end up exchanging chat ids)

Scene 2 (at a party, a guy walks up to a girl)
Boy: hi, are you enjoying the party?
Girl: naah I’m getting bored.
Boy: me too, so what do u do? Work or study or both?
Girl: I just finished my bachelors in -----, looking for a job, how about you?
Boy: I work at ------
Girl: Wow, that’s a great company to work for.
(the talk goes on for an hour and they end up exchanging phone numbers)

The two scenes have the same end, the boy and girl after a few interactions realize how irritating the other person is and they move on to the next person on orkut or another party or club .

My question is, aren’t the 2 situations alike. How different is orkut from a club? Yes you do not have people drinking or dancing on orkut, but every person is out there showing off his/her personal info. People put up their pics or videos for the whole world too see. Every person checking my profile knows how I look like (if I have my pic), what I do for a living, what I do for fun and what movies I like without even interacting with me. Isn’t that like giving away bits and pieces of yourself to everyone out there? Shouldn’t we be sharing those things with friends and people we are close to?

Girls like me, who’ve always believed that dating is wrong, talking to guy unnecessarily is wrong and hanging out in mixed gatherings is wrong do not think that doing the same online is wrong. And it is only because the other person cannot hear us or see us face to face.

Networks like orkut, facebook and hi5 are the biggest fitna these days because they lure people who are anti-dating. They make us feel that its ok to interact with guys as long as they can’t see us or hear us. I agree that watching someone or hearing their voice plays a major role in attraction, but according to me chatting with someone and finding out the other person’s thoughts and beliefs plays a bigger role in instigating attraction.

Here are some reasons why I believe chatting with someone online is worse than meeting someone (and when I mean meeting someone, I mean just meeting without getting intimate):
1) People can put on a different face on chat very easily. (We’ve heard of 60 yr old men pretending to be 20). You cant do that when you meet someone in person.
2) It is easier to lie online than it is in person. A person chatting can write with confidence that he has never dated any woman in past but would feel a little hesitant to lie about it face to face (although there are some people who have mastered the act of lying online and offline)
3) You can never judge a person’s character online. When you meet someone in person, you can assess the person’s character (in some way at least) by the way he/she looks at you, treats the waiter, walks and talks. Again you cannot be completely certain about a person’s character in just one meeting or a couple of meetings but you get a better picture of it.
4) People are more blunt and open online. For example an average decent guy wouldn’t really go up to a girl and talk to her for no reason but would not hesitate to do so online. The other example for this openness can be seen in scene 1 where a guy does not hesitate to comment ‘you are pretty’ the first time he chats with a girl.

The point I’m trying to make here is NOT that it is better to meet someone and date. I am trying to prove (mainly to myself) that chatting online is not as ‘ok’ as we have made it out to be. This blog maybe misunderstood or rather not understood at all by a lot of people who think differently than I, but I am sure there are one or two souls out there who will agree.

I will conclude with a hadith- The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have stated that “Whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them.” (At-Tirmidhi)” I have always thought to myself ‘As long as I’m not physically alone with a guy, I am fine’, but now I realize that this hadith would also apply to being alone with a guy online.

Times have changed; technology has advanced, and unfortunately, so have our values. I feel like I have lost myself in the swarming online world…..I need to find a way back."
The link of her blog is

Saturday, March 3, 2007

A Bit of Madness!

This is my second posting for today. I won't stretch it for long. I can but tell that I do not know what I am going to write but the reason that prompted me to open the 'create post' page of my account is that just a few minutes back I read my last post - yes I did it; I don't usually read what I write on this blog of mine - and I found many spelling and grammatical mistakes. I enjoyed reading it though!

I do some time read my own writing and wonder if it is really me who has written it. I am no mood for any self-praise. If being frank sounds foolish then I think I need to reattach my brain in my skull. I can't, sometimes, stop myself from writing a few things even when I know they say good about me. But when I see that I do write bad things too about myself, I feel that I must do a little good too!

While starting from home for my grandmother's house I was sure that I would go there and finish a book I was reading. There are hardly 35 pages left and I thought I can manage them within an hour. I was wrong. I didn't even open the book. I don't know why but whenever I see that bed in my grandmother's room, I can't think of staying awake. I did the same thing today - slept for more than an hour before the time for leaving for CL came.

I can never for the tea my grandmother prepares. She uses all milk and no water and pends a lot of time stirring it and boiling it. Perhaps instead of the word 'spend' I should have the word 'invest' there. It will make the meaning more accurate given the worth her hard work gives to the tea. It tastes awesome. We usually ask her not to strain herself with it. There is no talking to her on that.

At CL I had a class on geometry. The concepts discussed were interesting and I enjoyed them. But when the exercise sheet was given, I could hardly answer anything. Even my friend didn't do much - I mention this because his inability stopped me from feeling myself weak. The paper was tough. There was no discussion on it. It was already time to go. But I badly needed one. I ought to know the solution of all those questions. They were tough.

By the time I reached home it was almost 9:15 pm. I had a lot talk with my friend who is also a batch-mate of mine in the college. We are good friends now and what I spoke to him today was very important. Not for CAT or studies, but something else I can't mention here. It was important that I start a conversation on this with him. He can help me access some people who can simply make me fall and walk away stepping on me. Alhamdulillah this friend of mine listened and was positive that he can help me.

A little while ago I started an online chat with a close friend and he told me that he thinks I am crying now with tears rolling down my cheeks. He has read Gridlocked he says and he think I am depressed. How do I explain him that I am very much in control of myself? He can because he knows he has to think. I didn't reply when he said that. I just asked him to wait for sometime until I am done with the publishing of this post and he can read it's answer in it. I didn't mean to tell him that I was writing some answer or an explanation to how exactly I am doing now. I understand that my blog and my posts can talk enough on my mood and so will this particular post.

And yes, its a holiday to CL tomorrow. For 'holi'. I confirmed about today's class before leaving home in the afternoon. I called up my friend and asked him. He had already made a call to the office. It hardly mattered. I am ready to attend any number of classes any time of the week.

Two days back when I was checking out the visitors to my blogs, I found that one of them had searched in with the keyword 'Adsophos 2k7'. When I opened that page, I found that the link to my blog topped the list and was above the official Adsophos website. No question if that made me happy of not.

A little more than three minutes back the same friend who told me that he thinks I am crying said "sometimes you are so irritating"! And I replied "ya I know". Then I continued "but according to your ego, you never get irritated". And before he said anything, I wrote more: "or am I joking?". Now what can I do when he asks questions that irritate me. I have friends to keep and all of them are very important to me.

He always keeps pressing on the idea of priorities. I can't let anybody know about my priorities but I am sure they get obvious from how I behave and what all I speak. It's not at all that we have a rude chats online, but I do like irritating him some times. Today I did just what he did to me - irritate. Funny? I never do it with anybody else. My talk with him and also the topics of these talks are always very different and more complicated than what and how I talk to others. But slowly I am finding more friends who can be with me at this level. I love people who talk this way! They are a reflection of me. I wonder how 'some people' are.

Every minute, very hour, every day ...

Yesterday I typed more than three paragraphs and while doing so I didn't know that I was not going to post them. I had saved the first one of them and the other two were lost when there was a power failure. This thing has been a mischief now a days with nothings keeping itself reliable - even me. I deleted the partially saved draft and didn't publish the rest of the post. I am here up again.

Yesterday my mother called my father Mr. Bean. And my father straight away asked me to write about it in my blog. He even wanted me to write the reason why my mother did so. I don't think I can. I am not doing comedy here. But still I would like to have a mention of it. I will perhaps avoid.

My brother keeps calling my father as black. He once told that father has teeth like those of sheep. He pushed him several. Once kicked him too. There are several such incidents and my father has asked me to write about them in my blog. I understand any person who doesn't know my father would not believe all this - that we enjoy recollecting these fallacies of my brother and create a lot of fun. Once in a year when my father talks to his elder brother in US, he tells him about all this and they make more fun out of it.

My father tells us that all the students of his school fear him and are afraid of him always. My brother and I laugh whenever he says that. It sounds unbelievable that they all fear him especially when my brother can be all that I have mentioned above. I can also make a point that what all I am writing here is a bit opposite to the word exaggeration. It is a perfect antithesis of exaggeration. I can pen thousands of words on my father's sense of humor. Even my uncle says that everybody at the school fears him. We all laugh again.

Yesterday along with my friends I went to a restaurant at City Center - Sahib Sindh Sultan. We had a lovely time. The restaurant and also the food was of fine quality but that because I was very hungry, I enjoyed things more. The major part of the bill was paid by one of my friends - of course - and the rest was shared by the others including me - of course! There were several reason that we went there - many - I wonder how many! Do I sound silly?

Being a Friday we had just the morning session and our lecturer for computer networks felt like having all the 200 minutes of it with him. He left us a little early. When the class started, it was too drowsy and I hardly listened to anything. But when the new topic was started, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying it - the topic was Network Security.

Today morning my father woke me up asked me to take him to some shop that would let us have some color printouts of very high quality. In the first place he asked me if we could do it at home. I said I would rather prefer a printer of superior quality and our printer is just good for regular printing and not photographs. He wanted to take copies of some jewelery in which his friend was interested. There were seven pictures and each of them costed us 40 bucks. They were taken on photo-paper.

We went to Mehdipatnam for this and I took home Idly and Wada for my breakfast. I had Wada for myself and my brother took the other thing. Now I am here in front of the computer trying to write something so that my blog finds itself updated. And I think I am done - almost. Today is a holiday here, the occasion being 'Holi'. I am still not sure if I have a class at CL today. The schedule says that tomorrow is. The schedule is prepared in Delhi and the celebrations for 'Holi' in north India are tomorrow. In south it is today.

Yesterday though I didn't write anything for this blog, I did find something interesting coming out of my mind and I posted in on Gridlocked. I wasn't sure if I must post it there but then I preferred not to think on it and I did it. All through the evening I was preparing myself to write something for Flowing Emotions. It's sad that I didn't do it.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

All that finally matters is .... huh! I can't write that here.

It was already 8:30 pm when I left the college yesterday. I had three of my other friends with me and seven seniors. We spent some time after the closing ceremony of Adsophos in deciding where we can go and have something like a treat. After a lot of time pass we decided to go to Ohri's of road no. 12. One of my seniors gave the treat and we had a wonderful time. I never thought I would ever be spending so much time with my seniors and have so much fun.

For almost one week I have been spending time around them preparing for Adsophos and also organizing things with them. It all started when we first went out for the promotion of our festival to other colleges. Then it was the preparations of charts. It was decoration the next. Then it was the Adsophos itself where I spent most of the time at the help desk with few of my classmates. Finally it was the cosing ceremony where, for the first time in my college, I took to the stage of our famous Ghulam Ahmed Hall - one of our lecturers asked me to hand over a bouquet to the chief guest and I also stood up there with the certificates and prizes in my hands while they were being given to the winners; I had to give them one by one to one of our professors who was in turn giving them to the winners.And not to forget the time at Ohri's.

The last two days I spent with a sense of doing something. I understand that things would have still gone fine even without me and I was just a part of the whole system. But what was important for me was that I was a working art of it and I was working for myself and the event and not for any extra attendance or a certificate. I wouldn't mind if I don't get these two. I have already received what I had wanted - a chance to a part of something.

I have seen volunteers who were just volunteers sporting the badge and the t-shirt but were of little significance. They were just spending time with people who were working. Neither were they participating in any even nor were they contributing anything to the events or the organization. I am glad I was not one among them.

I was respected by my seniors. There were others who gave importance to me. Some lecturers gave me more preference. I felt best when a faculty member called me to write the certificates. I know it is nothing much. But I know it is something I liked. But the end of this post, I will explain why all of it was important to me. There were two reasons. I can't mention both of them. And of course it was a nice feeling sitting at the help desk registering the participants and also guiding them with their participation formalities.

For the first time I wore a t-shirt to the college. It was a one with Adsophos printed at the back. There were lot of people who commented and I liked it. The shirt was white in color. I wore a t-shirt even today. I was at my aunt's house in the night and I had to have my cousin's shirt. It was black in color.

I went to the college today just to submit my examination form. It was the last day today and for the last 4 days I have trying to find some time to have it submitted. Today I was expecting a huge crowd at the counter but it took less than 2 minutes for me. I was prepared to stand there for hours. But by the help of a kind friend I did it in hardly any time and I felt a little different - I have been used to stand in long queues; this wasn't a long queue; I took some time to digest that my work has been done!

Yesterday, along with a friend, I participated in wen designing contest. We qualified the first round and out of the 20 teams, we were among the 10 that were selected for the finals. We could manage the second position. We shared it with another team. I didn't reflect mush on this as I was already filled with many other feeling and experiences. I don't know if this is something substantial, but I am happy that I participated in something and I was amongst the winner. Thanks to my friend who was my partner in the team who made me participate. I would have never done a thing on my own.

All these days I was thinking that I was a fool and a lazy bug not submitting the examination form before time even when my bank receipt was ready a long back. It took me time to have my photographs ready. I agree I wasted some time but Allah helped me and made my decision to submit on the lest day as the wise one. I don't say that I had planned it this was or I knew that there wouldn't be many students on the last day, it was just Allah's wish that helped me do it so easily. He has always been extra kind towards me and I need not cut my hands to show how much I mean this!

Yesterday around 8:15 pm my cousin called me and asked me to come over to his house. Two of my other cousins were also there. After the time I spent at Ohri's, I directly went to his house. We slept at almost 5 am int he morning. We watched two movies - one of them just by having the important scenes seen. I had a little tough time with my parents in getting the permission to stay over night at my aunt's house. I found it perfectly reasonable to be there. The first two talks on the phone were a bit tense. Then the third time when my mother called, it was very sweet.

Today I spent a lot of time in the sleeping. In the afternoon a friend came over to my house and we had chickens roll at a nearby bakery. After he left, I was at my computer and just before sleeping I read some part of a book. I even wanted to read the newspapers today but didn't get the right mood for it. I was interested in knowing more about the budget that was presented yesterday by the finance minister.

Next academic year it will be we people who will be organizing the fests in the college - if at all anything is there. So, my basic purpose of liking the last few days was that I was learning. I saw my seniors and the way they were getting things done. I learned how to be like them and what all it takes to get an 'Adsophos' organized!

The second reason is something I would rather love to write on. but its pathetic that I am still the same person I was a couple f years back. A few days ago I wrote a little on this referring to one of my old posts on Flowing Emotions. I won't get much into that now. I am not writing the book of my life, presently!

Sometimes it is nice that I 'sit down and relax until some feelings go away'! When I started writing this post, I was wanting to write several things that would have brought a lot of emotions in it. I took a break for my dinner and I changed my mind. Things can go anyways sometimes and at time they go nowhere. I can be a little foolish too when I sit to write for this blog!