Yesterday it was definitely 3 am by the time I finally hit the bed, and I woke up 5:01 am exactly. I remember that from the alarm in my phone. The fajar azaan too started exactly the same moment. I couldn't leave the bed immediately given that I am not used to sleeping so less. I lay there with half my body hanging down from the edge of the bed and resting on the floor which was unfortunately warm. If I were so conscious of my surroundings and milieu, it would have surely reminded me of the ruthless summer. I hardly slept in those two hours.
While I was writing my second theory external - Computer Graphics - there came a time when I had to search for a dry area on my hand kerchief. I was sweating hard. I could feel sweat accumulating near the hairy union of my eyebrows located just before the start of my bulky nose below the frowned forehead. I could feel it take a down hill from there rolling onto the oily skin of my nose and waiting at its tip to gain weight and fall down. I was always the victor in avoiding even a drop to fall off the tip onto the examination paper.
The last 20 minutes of my stay in the examination room were without the fan working. Not that I was sitting below the wind-machine but it was definitely circulating some air. The 20 minutes were terrible. The power had let us down. I was much into the questions working on them so that they could work with marks-machine. The examiner. I am confident she would give me my share. I managed a decent chunk of the pie - of 8 essay answers.
It was 2:45 pm when my father reached home and saw me staring at the computer screen. He had called my friend on my way back home and asked for me. I had not received his calls on my phone and my mother had already started to sing her fears till then. He didn't ask me about the time I had reached home. Only I knew he arrived 25 minutes after my arrival. When I came out of the college, my phone had five missed calls. I checked them belonging to my parents. I knew they would call again. My father had to call my friend because I showed my class by forgetting to bring my phone from silent mode to general.
Its 1:01 am now and I can still feel my taste buds tasting of 'khidchi - kheema' combination. I had more than a liter of water in the last one hour and I guess I will have more after writing this post. I have the fan throwing air on me and sweat on my forehead explaining that fan is not a solution. I have no more solutions at home. A better possible solution is to think of something else and not the solution.
When it comes to thinking, I am sure even this sweat will be amazed. The sweat wouldn't know that a few inches away from the place it is moving around is a bed of neural circuits that can obtain insane obsessions that can make the rest of the fulcrum forget about the sweat itself. Not just the sweat but all the flowers of the ocean. The ocean being the one of levers and machines and human beings. Save water. I am doing good.
All this time of my fingers groping on the keyboard for the right keys, the wires starting at the head-set points of my computer system were ending in the two ears with two small magnets surrounded by foam. I was wired to some Hindi music. After I lost my playlists and the much relished English songs, Hindi ones are the only tracks that are finding me interested in.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I am private now
It was 1:04 pm when I published the last post and it is 12:06 now (of Sunday). I had my dinner around 30 minutes back and I really don't know what I should write now. I also have in my mind that I don't have to think about who is reading my blogs - two of the most sensitive ones are private now. I sent open invitations to those of my friends and relatives I could think of. I know there are people beyond who read regularly and I do want them to read it. I don't know their ID. So, if anybody reading knows somebody who has to be invited, please let me know. I have no big reservations. But I do know who needs to be kept aways.
It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.
I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.
It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.
I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.
After a while... After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I am not bad. Please
Yesterday I reached home around 2:15 pm after writing the first of the five theory external examinations. I had a terrible head ache even when I was writing the exam and also after reaching home. I could also feel a lot of pain in my neck and also the cheek bones on my face. I tried sleeping but couldn't get the exact posture for my head that would help me relax. I got some sleep in the evening but that couldn't relieve me of any pain. I slept again after 2 am. The previous night I had slept for a little less than two hours.
Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.
Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.
Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.
Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.
Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.
Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.
Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.
Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
I want to come to a point form where I can say "it really don't matter now"
Priorities invariably play a very imperative role in a person's life. If something bothers me would only let me know that it makes a difference to me and it is verily there on the ladder of priorities. It is a ladder because with time, people and maturity - inanity including - those 'priorities' keep moving up and down. The problem starts the day any one or more of them get stuck at on of the steps of that ladder. I refer to the things that refuse to change but should change. On top of the ladder one is supposed to have religion and parents so the top never attempts to differ. The rung just below that is the critical place that can make or break.
When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.
Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.
When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.
I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.
I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.
I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.
When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.
Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.
When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.
I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.
I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.
I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.
Teach me wrong from right...
Today I waited to see the sun set. I went to the house's terrace around 6:30 pm and my eyes incidentally fell on the orange sun rays streaking out of some clouds and moving up into the sky. The sun was nowhere to be seen with clouds hiding it completely. When I had a look at it from the other side of the terrace where the number of concrete structures was a little less, I found the orange ball glowing from behind the clouds.
I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.
I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.
I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.
I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.
A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!
From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.
In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.
I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.
I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.
My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.
I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.
I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.
I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.
I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.
A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!
From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.
In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.
I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.
I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.
My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Destruction is exciting
I thought I was not going to write for today. It is already 2:13 am and some hours back I was thinking of hitting the bed early. I didn't do anything much all this time but what I did was important - something I must have done a long time back. A search on google.com with my full name was supposed to give my blogs' links in the first 10 returns - it did till now. When google's web crawler comes across this the next time, it will make some changes to the indexing on my blogs.
I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.
I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.
I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.
I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Allah knows it all ... He knows me; more than what I know about myself
Today I started watching Mission Impossible. I started. I see movies at home in parts! It will take another two sitting before I can say I have finished watching it. Hilarious! I know.
Tomorrow I might be going to the college. The reason would be that some of my friends are coming and I felt a bit 'not-so-good' staying at home today. I know this is hilarious again!
There are many more hilarious things happening around. Some are supposed to be very serious. I hardly thought about them today but did talk about them to some of my friends. It was necessary. I won't give reasons like I am very much human. That again would become hilarious.
There was nothing significant that happened today. Perhaps this was one of the most trivial days in the last ten. And there is nothing hilarious in it.
My hands and fingers simply went to the mouse and the keyboard to get me to the edit page of my blog in blogger.com else I wouldn't have written anything today. I am very much my own self and there is nothing wrong in me. I thought I would be writing something big today but as it appears, it was limited to the thinking. My hands and fingers didn't resemble my thinking. It happens. Many times.
Tomorrow I might be going to the college. The reason would be that some of my friends are coming and I felt a bit 'not-so-good' staying at home today. I know this is hilarious again!
There are many more hilarious things happening around. Some are supposed to be very serious. I hardly thought about them today but did talk about them to some of my friends. It was necessary. I won't give reasons like I am very much human. That again would become hilarious.
There was nothing significant that happened today. Perhaps this was one of the most trivial days in the last ten. And there is nothing hilarious in it.
My hands and fingers simply went to the mouse and the keyboard to get me to the edit page of my blog in blogger.com else I wouldn't have written anything today. I am very much my own self and there is nothing wrong in me. I thought I would be writing something big today but as it appears, it was limited to the thinking. My hands and fingers didn't resemble my thinking. It happens. Many times.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Read: My blog is my character ... almost
Many times when a person goes for a job interview he is asked to talk about himself. I was wondering how a person can talk about himself without telling good - things in his favor. If he goes on to tell the bitter things in him then he would hold no chance of getting the job. And we all know that it is considered insane to talk good things about ones own self. I couldn't get the point how a person can be given a job on what he tells about himself.
There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.
To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.
I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.
I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.
My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.
I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.
I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.
If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."
Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.
I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.
My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.
My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.
Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.
For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.
Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.
The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.
If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.
There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.
To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.
I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.
I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.
My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.
I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.
I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.
If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."
Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.
I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.
My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.
My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.
Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.
For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.
Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.
The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.
If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Love is blind and madness always accompanies it!
Some days back when my father went to a petrol pump to get his two-wheeler filled, he fell short of change. He had currency notes and the person there wanted a rupee in change. When my father put his hand into his pocket, he took out a pack of mint, 'minto', with the two last pieces in it. He offered it the person there with a smile. The person took one and my father popped the second into his mouth. There was no issue with that rupee then.
My father was explaining to me that every person is nice. All we need is the right approach. Usually people working at such places are stubborn and they don't understand what courtesy is. This time it was different. Very different.
Saturday late in the evening we went t an electronics show at Abids, TMC, and purchased a television. It was delivered to our house the next day. It is Samsung Plano - 29 inches flat. I simply can't resist staring at it! As if that was not enough to make me get more interested in watching television - which definitely I am going to resist successfully - today I came to know that we won an upgrade to the present model. That will be done in the next coming five days.
Today I had the first of my lab externals. It was made very easy for me by Allah. There was some problem with one of the two programs, but after the lecturer checked the code, she found that the algorithm had no fault in it and she marked 'executed' for it. Viva too was easy. Alhamdulillah. I have two more tests to go. InshAllah I will do them well too.
Today after coming from the college I spent some good time with the newspapers. I read some things that are specially made available in the news papers so that they sell. Those 'things' were interesting but more than half of it was crap. Not that I didn't read sensible things - I read about the military developments being undertaken by USA and Russia especially the deployment of missile interceptors by the United States in eastern Europe. There are some ideas of the continuation of the famous cold war. Russia says US is doing it because Russians are upgrading their defense systems. US says the interceptors are for the long range Iranian missiles. There is no proof that Iran is in possession of such long range weaponry.!
My father was explaining to me that every person is nice. All we need is the right approach. Usually people working at such places are stubborn and they don't understand what courtesy is. This time it was different. Very different.
Saturday late in the evening we went t an electronics show at Abids, TMC, and purchased a television. It was delivered to our house the next day. It is Samsung Plano - 29 inches flat. I simply can't resist staring at it! As if that was not enough to make me get more interested in watching television - which definitely I am going to resist successfully - today I came to know that we won an upgrade to the present model. That will be done in the next coming five days.
Today I had the first of my lab externals. It was made very easy for me by Allah. There was some problem with one of the two programs, but after the lecturer checked the code, she found that the algorithm had no fault in it and she marked 'executed' for it. Viva too was easy. Alhamdulillah. I have two more tests to go. InshAllah I will do them well too.
Today after coming from the college I spent some good time with the newspapers. I read some things that are specially made available in the news papers so that they sell. Those 'things' were interesting but more than half of it was crap. Not that I didn't read sensible things - I read about the military developments being undertaken by USA and Russia especially the deployment of missile interceptors by the United States in eastern Europe. There are some ideas of the continuation of the famous cold war. Russia says US is doing it because Russians are upgrading their defense systems. US says the interceptors are for the long range Iranian missiles. There is no proof that Iran is in possession of such long range weaponry.!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The best of His creations ...
Initially I had my reservations when I was told about the pictures taken on the farewell party. When I showed a little frustration none of my friends mailed them to me. I was hardly thinking about them until I saw a few in the college. Now I have more snaps than man other people in my class or elsewhere!
Some days back my brother's friend gave a hard-drive to me asking for the movies I have with me. Today I finally copied them all into it. I copied almost 20 Gb of data. It was irritating to see the system go slow when the copying process was on. I smiled when I thought even the slow speed of my computer can teach me something - patience here! It is working perfectly fine now. Alhamdulillah.
I have been receiving several queries from my cousins asking about the anonymous commenter on our family blog and the only answer I am giving them is that it would be immature to find any conclusions. I may not keep calm for long but presently I see light ahead of me and I am happy. I still have no grudges against that person. Priority works.
I showed all the farewell pictures to my brother. I told him a little about my friends. I showed him some videos. I really see no ideas inside me that would tell me what he might have thought after seeing them. There were things I wanted him to understand. Especially I emphasized extraordinarily on a few pictures and on a video. I am sure those who know me understand this. I asked my father to have a look at them; he was tired, said that he would see them later, then he slept.
In the afternoon two of my college friends came down to my house. We saw the movie 'What Women Want'. We didn't see the complete movie but just the enough part that would entertain us and clear the idea! The movie was nice. Interesting. But senseless.
I have my lab externals starting from Monday. I am a little too much apprehensive about one of the tests - Computer Networks. I guess I will have to spend some time with it tomorrow at least. I have never, or hardly, spent time on studying before the exams. this time it is imperative. I don't want to end up in an impasse.
I don't know how to put the thing I have in my mind now. At times they look foolish, some times very simple. And most of the time they look everything to me. Whenever I use the word 'life', somewhere in my heart I feel something silly or imbecile. I wish to fade my inanity with the light of the coming days. But the 'coming days' I long for never appear. They are blurred by their own light. Maybe I am unreasonable and desperate. I am loosgin my mind.
Some days back my brother's friend gave a hard-drive to me asking for the movies I have with me. Today I finally copied them all into it. I copied almost 20 Gb of data. It was irritating to see the system go slow when the copying process was on. I smiled when I thought even the slow speed of my computer can teach me something - patience here! It is working perfectly fine now. Alhamdulillah.
I have been receiving several queries from my cousins asking about the anonymous commenter on our family blog and the only answer I am giving them is that it would be immature to find any conclusions. I may not keep calm for long but presently I see light ahead of me and I am happy. I still have no grudges against that person. Priority works.
I showed all the farewell pictures to my brother. I told him a little about my friends. I showed him some videos. I really see no ideas inside me that would tell me what he might have thought after seeing them. There were things I wanted him to understand. Especially I emphasized extraordinarily on a few pictures and on a video. I am sure those who know me understand this. I asked my father to have a look at them; he was tired, said that he would see them later, then he slept.
In the afternoon two of my college friends came down to my house. We saw the movie 'What Women Want'. We didn't see the complete movie but just the enough part that would entertain us and clear the idea! The movie was nice. Interesting. But senseless.
I have my lab externals starting from Monday. I am a little too much apprehensive about one of the tests - Computer Networks. I guess I will have to spend some time with it tomorrow at least. I have never, or hardly, spent time on studying before the exams. this time it is imperative. I don't want to end up in an impasse.
I don't know how to put the thing I have in my mind now. At times they look foolish, some times very simple. And most of the time they look everything to me. Whenever I use the word 'life', somewhere in my heart I feel something silly or imbecile. I wish to fade my inanity with the light of the coming days. But the 'coming days' I long for never appear. They are blurred by their own light. Maybe I am unreasonable and desperate. I am loosgin my mind.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The reason is simple
On Saturday I finally got a chance to take our four-wheeler to the college. I had never imagined that I would get the permission for it form my parents so easily and also that I could drive pretty well in the traffic. I was a bit apprehensive myself so I had requested a friend to come to my house in the morning and be with me while I drive. He was kind and he helped me. I took it as an achievement. It had remained as a wish of mine to take the car to the college some day and Allah granted me that wish on Saturday.
In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.
Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.
There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.
Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.
I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.
I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.
There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.
I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...
I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.
I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.
A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.
I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.
I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.
I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.
There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.
Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.
In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.
Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.
There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.
Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.
I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.
I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.
There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.
I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...
I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.
I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.
A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.
I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.
I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.
I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.
There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.
Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
If I could let you know ...
The first word that I was going to write here impulsively without any thinking was 'hello'. Then sense came into me and said this is not a chat window where I say something and the other person sitting on the other side of the line replies. This is just a single-lane single-sided traffic!
Since yesterday afternoon I have been experiencing a slow internet connection speed and so today I wrote an e-mail to the customer service department of Sify. They (their executive) promptly replied and asked me to clear the history pages and the cache along with cookies and all temporary internet files. The reply then asked me to try the speed again and let them know if the problem still persists.
I laughed when I read the reply. I replied letting that person know what I am studying and also that I have been using a computer and internet for quiet long enough that I can do these simple things. But still not allowing my ego take over, I did what that person asked me for. As I expected, there was no correction in the speed. I wrote back stating all this and also that I am not naivete. I explained him how he must give a good reply and also correct the problem without letting me know how to do simple things on the computer.
I also told him that I do understand why he has to reply that way. There are many people out there who don't know simple things about the machine they work on. These kind of people also need to be told how to access the control panel. I told him I don't belong to that category. I also told him that I have liked the way Sify has served me till now and I hope that they will continue the good work. I liked the way they replied me in ours of my mailing.
In the evening I played a little football with my brother in the living room. The ball we used was made of plastic - the one kindergarten kids play with. We both played until it went under a divan and my brother didn't feel like going or putting his hands under it. I even talked to his friends today. My brother said they had been calling me 'Don bhai'. One of them was about to save my number on his phone with that same name but refrained when I jokingly asked him why he called me with that. We had some good laughs.
Today I finally finished watching the movie 'National Treasure'. I had been seeing it in parts. I have developed a sort of aversion towards watching movies at home in a single go. I prefer having them in parts giving me enough time to have the right mood!
Yesterday and today my mother had holidays and she was home. It was nice being with her around me. Her presence is cooling for my eyes. Just that I have to listen to so much she always has to say. As I kept reading a book today I understood how well my mother knows about money. I have written about it yesterday on the blog. I furthered my knowledge today about her even more. I am proud of her.
Since yesterday afternoon I have been experiencing a slow internet connection speed and so today I wrote an e-mail to the customer service department of Sify. They (their executive) promptly replied and asked me to clear the history pages and the cache along with cookies and all temporary internet files. The reply then asked me to try the speed again and let them know if the problem still persists.
I laughed when I read the reply. I replied letting that person know what I am studying and also that I have been using a computer and internet for quiet long enough that I can do these simple things. But still not allowing my ego take over, I did what that person asked me for. As I expected, there was no correction in the speed. I wrote back stating all this and also that I am not naivete. I explained him how he must give a good reply and also correct the problem without letting me know how to do simple things on the computer.
I also told him that I do understand why he has to reply that way. There are many people out there who don't know simple things about the machine they work on. These kind of people also need to be told how to access the control panel. I told him I don't belong to that category. I also told him that I have liked the way Sify has served me till now and I hope that they will continue the good work. I liked the way they replied me in ours of my mailing.
In the evening I played a little football with my brother in the living room. The ball we used was made of plastic - the one kindergarten kids play with. We both played until it went under a divan and my brother didn't feel like going or putting his hands under it. I even talked to his friends today. My brother said they had been calling me 'Don bhai'. One of them was about to save my number on his phone with that same name but refrained when I jokingly asked him why he called me with that. We had some good laughs.
Today I finally finished watching the movie 'National Treasure'. I had been seeing it in parts. I have developed a sort of aversion towards watching movies at home in a single go. I prefer having them in parts giving me enough time to have the right mood!
Yesterday and today my mother had holidays and she was home. It was nice being with her around me. Her presence is cooling for my eyes. Just that I have to listen to so much she always has to say. As I kept reading a book today I understood how well my mother knows about money. I have written about it yesterday on the blog. I furthered my knowledge today about her even more. I am proud of her.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Wise or Conservative?
Some days back when I told my parents that I was not going to the farewell party, they thought I was keeping away from it with money as the reason and they said they would pay for it. I never expect them to know the reason. I refused to take any money even when I could have taken the money and used it for some other thing. There were a few friends of mine who too thought that I wasn't coming because of money. For all of those, I can perhaps mention that today my mother gave me Rs.40,000. It was not cash but in the form of two bank receipts of the money she deposited in my name. She directed that I must be spending it on a specific thing but we both know that that thing hardly takes more than Rs.5000. The rest is mine. I have no intentions of getting it liquidated.
All along these days, I have also told a few of my friends that I neither discourage nor do I encourage the farewell party. Today, I somehow feel that I should have tried to stop it. I should have spoken directly to some people and asked them not to give any money. There were some already who told that they wouldn't give money because I wasn't and I had insisted that they must go ahead with it. I regret not trying to stop anybody. I ended up encouraging. That was my foolishness. I am glad that I kept away form it.
Today I also got to know from my mother a little about how she manages her money. I was amazed to know how meticulously she takes care of her finances and I realized that she is doing a lot similar to what the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" was saying. Mother understands the difference between an asset and a liability. She knows how a house is sometimes not an asset but a liability. She knows how important it is to have a balanced balance sheet and how important assets. She perhaps also know that an asset is an asset only when it can create income. Perhaps the way she has invested her money till now makes things clear.
My mother never bought luxuries until she had sufficient assets. She gave more importance to assets rather than luxuries. Those people especially from poor and middle-class who do not have financial education try to acquire more and more luxuries because they want to show that they are rich. They end up digging holes in their pockets and acquiring more liabilities in the form of loans and credit-card bills. My mother knew how to save taxes and how the government can eat up a big chunk of her salary if she didn’t knew the rules and laws related to the constitution which can help her save taxes.
Wealth is the number of days is the number of days I can live the same lifestyle I am living if I stop getting money now. There is a golden rule. Those who have gold make most of the rules. My college masters in producing students who are good employees. No doubt so many companies come to my college to hire students. So the college has to create good employers for them. My college doesn’t know how to create employers.
I thank Allah that my mother could teach me so much about money and finances. I remember when she explained me how a penny saved is a penny gained. I have also learned that it is not about how much money you earn. It is all about how much money you keep with you. Money is my mother’s area of expertise. I learnt so mush just by looking at her. When I go to college, study my syllabus and do many things just so that I can get a good job to earn money, I find it necessary that I must learn what money is and how it must be kept! And I am learning. My mother is helping me. My father is unfortunately not interested in money. He knows how to earn what he earns. He doesn’t know what has to be done after that. Many people don’t know that. I can give several examples. But not here!
Until sometime back I felt as if I should break my computer screen’s glass or take the car, go for a drive, drive as fast as I could and bang into some wall. To contain myself I thought of calling up some friend and pacify myself. I went to the Asar prayer and came to write this. I feel better now. It’s Magrib now. Alhmdulillah.
All along these days, I have also told a few of my friends that I neither discourage nor do I encourage the farewell party. Today, I somehow feel that I should have tried to stop it. I should have spoken directly to some people and asked them not to give any money. There were some already who told that they wouldn't give money because I wasn't and I had insisted that they must go ahead with it. I regret not trying to stop anybody. I ended up encouraging. That was my foolishness. I am glad that I kept away form it.
Today I also got to know from my mother a little about how she manages her money. I was amazed to know how meticulously she takes care of her finances and I realized that she is doing a lot similar to what the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" was saying. Mother understands the difference between an asset and a liability. She knows how a house is sometimes not an asset but a liability. She knows how important it is to have a balanced balance sheet and how important assets. She perhaps also know that an asset is an asset only when it can create income. Perhaps the way she has invested her money till now makes things clear.
My mother never bought luxuries until she had sufficient assets. She gave more importance to assets rather than luxuries. Those people especially from poor and middle-class who do not have financial education try to acquire more and more luxuries because they want to show that they are rich. They end up digging holes in their pockets and acquiring more liabilities in the form of loans and credit-card bills. My mother knew how to save taxes and how the government can eat up a big chunk of her salary if she didn’t knew the rules and laws related to the constitution which can help her save taxes.
Wealth is the number of days is the number of days I can live the same lifestyle I am living if I stop getting money now. There is a golden rule. Those who have gold make most of the rules. My college masters in producing students who are good employees. No doubt so many companies come to my college to hire students. So the college has to create good employers for them. My college doesn’t know how to create employers.
I thank Allah that my mother could teach me so much about money and finances. I remember when she explained me how a penny saved is a penny gained. I have also learned that it is not about how much money you earn. It is all about how much money you keep with you. Money is my mother’s area of expertise. I learnt so mush just by looking at her. When I go to college, study my syllabus and do many things just so that I can get a good job to earn money, I find it necessary that I must learn what money is and how it must be kept! And I am learning. My mother is helping me. My father is unfortunately not interested in money. He knows how to earn what he earns. He doesn’t know what has to be done after that. Many people don’t know that. I can give several examples. But not here!
Until sometime back I felt as if I should break my computer screen’s glass or take the car, go for a drive, drive as fast as I could and bang into some wall. To contain myself I thought of calling up some friend and pacify myself. I went to the Asar prayer and came to write this. I feel better now. It’s Magrib now. Alhmdulillah.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Smile
I reached home around 6:30 pm today. My friend dropped me at Mehdipatnam from where I thought I would find some means to come back home. I had to walk upto Tolichowki from Mehdipatnam. The foolishness of the State Government in coming out with the protest struck me hard. I walked for more than 30 minutes continuously.
Before that along with four friends of mine, I had been to Abids to do the shopping for the Farewell party which is supposed to be today, the 5th. I felt a little uneasy being into this so much when I had decided not to get involved into anything related to it. Being with my friends made me give time to it. I won't be going for the party now - obviously. It will be a not-so-good feeling staying at home all day. I will learn a new thing.
It's one of my very good friend's birthday today. As I had decided earlier, I prepared a blog to make the greetings instead of an e-card. I have done it twice before. I may get out of my house tomorrow if my friends decide to celebrate this occasion. Perhaps I hope that it happens.
Before that along with four friends of mine, I had been to Abids to do the shopping for the Farewell party which is supposed to be today, the 5th. I felt a little uneasy being into this so much when I had decided not to get involved into anything related to it. Being with my friends made me give time to it. I won't be going for the party now - obviously. It will be a not-so-good feeling staying at home all day. I will learn a new thing.
It's one of my very good friend's birthday today. As I had decided earlier, I prepared a blog to make the greetings instead of an e-card. I have done it twice before. I may get out of my house tomorrow if my friends decide to celebrate this occasion. Perhaps I hope that it happens.
Monday, April 2, 2007
That stupid song ... guess you never felt that way
Yesterday just before sleeping I had set the alarm in my phone to wake me up at 5:31 am. At 8:00 am I was wondering if I was so much into sleeping that I don't even remembering turning it off especially given that snooze requires pressing of the exact button which I believe is not humanly possibly to do when I am so much into sleep. Perhaps I need to get my brain's abilities revisited!
Today was a different day for me. 'Confusing' and 'precarious' can be the right terminology. As I always believe that some things happen for the first times in our lives and it is nice that they happen. They further increase the knowledge base and experience more into maturity. This is what I need - more maturity - badly.
I don't have much to write for today. I know I have reduced the size of my posts to a near one-third of what I used to write until a couple of weeks back. What can I do? Things change. They change people. Most importantly, they cause to change perceptions. My idea of trying to be a better person will never change.
Good happens only when good people are involved in the endeavors. Perchance, when the bad start anything worth a talk about, the good fall into apprehensions. That would be a clear case of negativity which must invariably be throttled to naught. A mirror speaks of what it can see. A mirror inside my heart can be more helpful. I find it troublesome at times I look in there. It's a pain in my neck.
On the left side of my computer - the left of my perception - is a printer that might well be wondering if it is ever going to work again. If it could ask me about the same, I would start with a humble apology, then continue saying that I may consider some action only when my summer vacation starts. That will be after 18th of May. Allah is great. I realize it every time I know that I am real. this happens every second. Alhamdulillah.
Today was a different day for me. 'Confusing' and 'precarious' can be the right terminology. As I always believe that some things happen for the first times in our lives and it is nice that they happen. They further increase the knowledge base and experience more into maturity. This is what I need - more maturity - badly.
I don't have much to write for today. I know I have reduced the size of my posts to a near one-third of what I used to write until a couple of weeks back. What can I do? Things change. They change people. Most importantly, they cause to change perceptions. My idea of trying to be a better person will never change.
Good happens only when good people are involved in the endeavors. Perchance, when the bad start anything worth a talk about, the good fall into apprehensions. That would be a clear case of negativity which must invariably be throttled to naught. A mirror speaks of what it can see. A mirror inside my heart can be more helpful. I find it troublesome at times I look in there. It's a pain in my neck.
On the left side of my computer - the left of my perception - is a printer that might well be wondering if it is ever going to work again. If it could ask me about the same, I would start with a humble apology, then continue saying that I may consider some action only when my summer vacation starts. That will be after 18th of May. Allah is great. I realize it every time I know that I am real. this happens every second. Alhamdulillah.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
I have a reason
Yesterday afternoon one of my friend took my computer's hard-drive with him. He had some back-ups of the data I lost. So now that I have almost everything back, I feel glad for sharing my data and also for having a person who respected it. I understand he had nothing to do with more than half of it but yet he kept it with him! He was kind enough to come to my house, take the disk with him, again come back again today.
Yesterday evening I went along with my friends to 'Dastar' near KBR park and 'Saarvi'. We had hukka and lots of fun. I returned home at 11 pm. Earlier in the college I had my last theory internal. After that there were some discussion going on about the farewell party. I was there in the class. I was just there. To be with my friends.
Yesterday, the 31st of March, marked the completion of one year of this blog. Today's past is the 271st.
Yesterday evening I went along with my friends to 'Dastar' near KBR park and 'Saarvi'. We had hukka and lots of fun. I returned home at 11 pm. Earlier in the college I had my last theory internal. After that there were some discussion going on about the farewell party. I was there in the class. I was just there. To be with my friends.
Yesterday, the 31st of March, marked the completion of one year of this blog. Today's past is the 271st.
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