Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The weather today was splendid. Though the low temprature forced me to close the window in the living room, I still enjoyed the cool air. I wish I had gone to some outing today; probably to a place like Necklace road. I remember the last time when it was raining and I went there with my friends. That day we had played 'truth n dare' there!
On Monday my mother had some hearing of the enquiry that has been going on her relating to some involment of her deputy in a scam that could have happened! It more than a year now and the thing has not been solved. Yesterday my mother was just asked to give few things in writing. The enquiry officer is my mother's colleague and he knows thats its just a kind of formality that my mother has been dragged into this. Her deputy has already been suspended. Though everybody knows that my mother has nothing to do with the case, the official procedures require all this crap. Just because of this my mother can't leave the country. A few days back I saw my mother upset as she had decided to perform an 'Umrah' and she is not able to do it. She has been waiting for the no objection ceritifcate from her office and they don't give him because she has not been proved innocent till now. This is what our government rules are upto - the criminals never face anything and those who face are the ones who never do anything wrong!
A couple of days back another cousin of mine took an admission in a university in Kyrgyzstan. I already have a cousin brother studying there. My cousin sister (who has taken the admission) lives in United States. As its well know that the education there is too expensive and becoming a doctor especially takes many years of hard work and patience, she has decided to come here. Here, in this Central Asian country, she can comeplete her doctorate in 5 years. Her brother, back in Houston, has completed his pre-medicine and is precaring for the entrance that will get him a seat in a medical college. InshAllah he will make it through.
I, along with a cousin brother from Deccan College, will be the first engineer from the 30+ cousins form my father's side. The same is the case from my mother's side too! I have never met 2 from this 30+ group. They are my father's eldest brother's children and they live in France. In fact I have never met my uncle too!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Today I went to the college. I reached around 12 noon. There was nothing really for me to do there. I had to give my friend his fine and thats it. It was all time pass. I would have done the same staying home actually so this was far better. InshAllah tomorrow I will study. I have to start from somewhere.
Lately I have been thinking about my weight. I need to put on some mass. I don't know waht exactly to do; I don't know how to eat a lot like others do! My father asked me to go to a gym ... but ... I don't know ... it soetimes shattering my peace of mind. I need to do something.
And yes the movie again: I think the songs were foolish. It looked as if some music was being played and people were dancing. The song 'khaike paan benaras waala' was ... huh! I don't want to use any weired word. The cars were awesome, the locales were stunning, the work done with the camera was amazing. The music in general was good ... I didn't like the songs though. Of course I need to like a movie like this because I have always liked Sharukh Khan; right from when I saw the movie 'Darr'. I used to compare Sunny Doel and him since then. But it was a great relief to me when I found Sharukh Khan at the top. Though I am not a fan big enough to watch all his movies. I even don't believe in fanfare and things like that; but among all the actors, I like him the most. I don't like any actresses. In fact I hate them all. They all look alike.
Today I had a good discussion with a friend about why sometimes people like being bad (or being 'bad'!). I will write about it sometime very soon. Though they weren't any conclusions as such, the discussion was nice.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Today I spent a lot of time in front of the computer. I did a lot of cleaning work to. I removed many softwares I wasn't using and tried a few new things too. I made some changes with the anti virus I had; I installed a new one. Then I found that my internet service provider doesn't connect me when I have a pirated version of anti virus installed on my system. There was a problem with this. And for the last few days even the connection speed had slowed down. It is getting too irritating at times when I have to do something serious. So, I wrote a letter to customer care of Sify. The last 2 times I wrote to them, they addressed very well. I hope they respond in the same way even this time.
Today my aunt and uncle came to meet us. They had been to US to stay with my cousin sister. They were back at the start of Ramazan itself but we couldn't meet. They told us a lot about their experiences there. It was nice having some elder people come to our house.
Later in the evening my uncle (father's elder brother) and aunt came to meet us. We spoke on several things and like usual, I had some detailed talks with him. He told me how the distances between places is reduced when the motif and the reason to travel is something superior than the distance itself. We spoke about people who travel a lot to go to their places of work ... to make money ... the need... the necessity ... many things.
I had a heavy dinner of butter chicken and biryani.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I had to go to the college to give my friend some papers. But I came to know that my name hasbeen put into the list of studnets who have their attendance less than the required. These people are made to pay some amount as condonation fee. I was shocked to know that I have been included in them. I had to wait till I could actually see my attendance in individual subjects. While the mam incharge was dictating me the numbers, she was sure that some mistake has been committed and she calculated the percentage again. It was well above the required number.
Soemthing like this happened even in the first semister last year. I don't like having tensions of these kind where in I am put under pressure for something I haven't done. I never say things like 'why me?'. I sometimes even feel its nice that some things come to me and I solve them. At least others are spared of it. There are too many problems people have. Alhamdulillah I hardly have any. I create some for myself sometimes!
Then I spent a lot of time with 3 of my friends. We didn't do anything but just sitting and talking everything we could. I felt so nice. I had some serious things in my mind since yesterday evening and I felt great being with them today. As always they made me feel good and most importantly, they made me feel important. No doubt how much I need them (I have written this particular sentence in one of my posts long back; I mean it). And again I say that I feel myself as the most lucky human being on earth. Alhamdulillah. I love my friends and all those around me.
I was in the college till 3:30 pm I guess. After that, with a friend, I went to have some snacks in the same bakery I had been to yesterday. Later I met my grandparents and reached home finally to see that the wall clock in the living room has slowed down. Its 12:17 am in my system clock and the old-half-grandfather-clock is showing 9:35! This clock belongs to my father's grandfather. It was one with a pendulum - it must be atleast 50 years old. But my father removed the lower half of the antique and converted the clock into and automatic thing working on a bettery. I think the battery has weakend and I have some work tomorrow.
I had my dinner a little late today. But it was a little early than yesterday. Yesterday it was after 12 midnight. Today I thought of spending some time in front of the television while having the meal. But after scanning so many channels I found it useless. But I tuned into some movie on HBO and watched it. It was relating to some devils. I watched it to watch the action. I couldn't understand even a bit of the story.
Friday, October 27, 2006
The day before Ied I was with my friend in the evning and even till late till late night we were together. I slept at 3 am. The next day I spent many hours just trying to sleep but there were continous disturbances. I hardly met any people during the day time andeven in the evning we couldn't meet all our relatives we usually do. My father had a Nikah to attend at a mosque so we couldn't find much time. I slept late again - did nothing but sat in front of the computer.
The next day, the 26th of October will never be forgotten by anybody at home; atleast my parents and me. The day passed with me staying at home with father and my brother going out with my mother. Late int he night I thought of talking with my parents about many thing: things I have been doing all these days, things I found them doing wrong and all the things I could say in that 1 hour 30 minutes. Still I missed out one most important thing. I wanted to say it, openly, blatantly but the moment I finished the last thing, I saw my father feeling sleepy. I let him go and even my mother left for bed. But I told my father that I am hiding something from him which I would definitely share. I told him that its nothing wrong and he need not worry. He said he is always there to listen to me.
The talk: I told them about my college life - things I do, people I spend time with, the kind of friendship I have with these poeple, a little about my studies, a lot about the religion in m and what all I want them to learn, the time I have spent in Ramzan with my freinds talking about Islam, why I prefer not watching television, why sometimes I make few things important for me even when they are very small and hardly make any difference. I also told them what they mean to me and how much I love them. I told them I wanted to tell them sorry for manythings but for some reason I could never do that - I didn't do it even yesterday.
I told my father about the things I didn't like in him. I did the same with my mother. They listened to me. They considered me their equal while we were talking. I told them that I am younger to them and they can stop me from talking if they feel I am getting too much. My father said he wants me to talk. He said he considers me his friend and he will always listen to what I have to say even if it is against him. In those minutes I told them what all I could. I felt great sharing things wiht them. I told them how much I need them and how much I will be needing them always. There are things I can't put here ... in short I almost got them to ... ... ok fine leave it. It was too much yesterday but still something was left out. But now I feel relaxed that even my parents know what my friends know about me. I have no guilt feeling inside me now - the one that was troubling me because I was hiding things from them.
The best times were when my father kept on saying that he trusts me and respects me.
Today morning I wanted to attend the class we had but couldn't because I was late - for some reason! Then I got all my lab records certified and relieved myself of another tension. I even got to know some of my marks and I was fine with them. Later in the evening I dropped in at a bakery with a friend and had some snacks. Few of my friends went to watch the movie 'Don' today. I didn't go.
Later in the evening I started preparing things for my next article. This will be for MJ Communique. I have done what all usually do before writing anything, I just have to frame things into a one single block called as an 'article'!!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I was about to close down my computer. I knew I had to update but wanted to skip today. I did it so that the count of my posting moves on to 171. Again a silly reason to blog today.
After iftaar I went to get haleem from Pista House. This was my first experience with thec an in such heavy traffic. It was terrible with the first 2 gears of the car giving problem. Somehow I managed. The buying of haleem too was a big task. Poeple were dying to buy it; even I was!
Monday, October 23, 2006
Today we were expecting it to be the last day of Ramzan. Fortunately it was not. We have another day to fast and that means more blessings. Even those into various businesses get benefited. I am not going to tell how because there is a special reason that I am writing today's post and it is very important.
When I was in 7th standard (I am not sure but somewhere around), my grandfather gifted me a book by name 'The Big Book of Knowledge'. I used to read it a lt. It was a fat book - a real big one, and I read every single page of it. It was as if I have acquired a lot of knowledge on various topics and subjects and it was definitely something big for a student of that age. I used to feel nice knowing all that. The book was amazing and it included almost important thing on earth, in brief. I think I read it more than once; few pages were read several times!
I was proud of myself. I felt great knowing all that because there were very people who had that kind and amount of knowledge. I felt that way and I was almost right. I was really, really proud of myself. I felt pride whenever I used to share my knowledge with others. I felt superior to others that I had read all that and I had some knowledge. I even felt that others were inferior to me because they didn't know what I knew.
As days passed, even years, I understood that taking pride in possessing something is a sin. Though even till date I don't find people who have read that book and learnt so much from it. It’s a different case that I might have forgotten much from that. But my pride is no more. I grew up. I learnt. I learnt humility (though not to perfection). I began understanding that importance of knowledge and how to use it. I learnt sharing; not preaching.
Till my 10th standard my father taught me many things - religion and more. He used to get books and give them to me to read them. I used to read every book. I learnt things. I came to know more about my religion. But I didn't learn the implementation. I had the knowledge. I father taught me how important prayers were, he sent me to learn how to recite the Holy Quran, he completed all his responsibilities. He is a great father. But my parents never had the time to force me do anything. They trusted my knowledge, faith, maturity, intelligence or whatever it can be termed as. I knew the rules. I was following the ones I was comfortable with. I hardly took pride because by then I also learnt that I had to learn even more.
All those days I used to attend all religious sermons with my father. I understood more about Islam. But somehow I always used to feel that I was superior to many people because I had read some books that already told me what was right and wrong and the sermons I was listening were just a repetition of that. Though I liked hearing to a few people, there were some I always ran away from. It was basically because they spoke as if they were superior to me. I never liked being inferior. I like being equal to everybody.
When I got into my intermediate (+2), I had my Arabic Sir who mentored me. He had no pride. He spoke as though he loved his students and wanted them to learn what he has already learnt. I considered him to be someone equal to me; someone who really wanted to help me. I liked him. I listened to all that he said and tried to implement it. I started becoming a better person. But along side I continued my dislike towards the people who gave religious sermons and had pride in their voices. I didn't like listening to them because I felt they considered me a sinner. These people though they were cleaner than me and superior for that reason. I felt being downplayed by them whenever I heard them. So, I avoided them. But there were always some whom I liked and listened to - one of them being an Imam at a mosque at Mehdipatnam.
I got into engineering. My Arabic sir remained in my mind and I am sure I will never forget him. But now, I had nobody like him with me. I stopped listening to sermons for the reason I have said above. I hardly had any Alims I could trust. And I couldn't listen to their speeches as there were time and place constraints. To other 'speakers' I asked in my heart 'who are you to teach me?', 'why are you so proud of yourself and your position?', 'why do you think I am a sinner?' 'Do you think you know me? Do you think you know how much faith in Allah I have? Do you think you know what I do at home?'
I kept reading small things here and there and sometimes even listened to some people. But I never got anybody who could really perturb me. I never found someone who was my equal and who shared things with me rather than being preachy. I didn't get anyone who cared for me and told things so that I can be better person. I never found a person who could listen to me and the things I knew. Until now (I refer to the time I am spending in the college with my friends talking about Islam).
Though I know the rules, the correct and the incorrect things, I wasn't implementing them. Now I am getting motivated. I am getting motivated because I am discussing it with my friends. They are telling me their own experiences. They are sharing with me. They are making me feel like a sinner. They make me feel as if I can become a better person. I never feel inferior to them. I never feel as if anybody of them is taking any pride. I feel that these are the people who can tell me anything; who can set me right; who can make me implement what all I know.
I know the amount of faith I have in me. Or perhaps Allah know is better. Allah knows what I am from inside - He knows more than what I know about myself. Allah knows about me what others do not. The people who preach, the people who try to teach me, the people who take pride in the knowledge they have, they people who are better than me and have committed less sins than me (Allah knows better), the people who think they have more faith in Allah in me; they all do not know about me but Allah knows everything.
When I recite the second Kalima, I know what I am saying. I am proclaiming that I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Muhammed (pbuh) is his prophet. I say that I am a witness to this fact even though I haven't seen Allah. I bear the witness only because I know Allah is there, He has created me, He is there with me always. I bear the witness for several reasons including the fact that I have personally felt many things that have made me cry. I am a witness to Allah's presence.
Now, today. Today a friend of mine told me 2 things. He told a lot and I divide it into 2 parts. One of which is correct and the other a prejudice, speculation or his foolishness. Yes, I use this word 'foolishness' here. First he told me about the things I was wrong in. It was fine. He wants me to be on the right path. I agree I am doing many things wrong, so being a good friend he reminded me of my mistakes and faults. JazakAllah. He wants good for me - of course.
The second thing: he said I am forgetting the main purpose of life - having enough merits so as to reach heaven. He said that my priorities and not right and I am not bothered of the hereafter. He said I am not worried about my life after death and I am more engrossed with the world. He said I am giving more importance to this world and not the world that would come after my death. He said I am a sinner. He said I am asking for so many favors from Allah that my merits wouldn't be enough to get me to heaven. He said that if Allah accepts all my prayers, He won't send me to heaven. In a way he said that there is some quota that I am using up here in this world instead of using it to reach heaven.
I didn't understand what made him say that. Does he think he knows me completely? Does he think he knows all about the prayers I perform? Does he think he knows what I ask Allah for? Does he think he knows about my faith?
I am not here to let anybody know about the faith I have. I don't want to talk about the prayers I perform or the tears I shed. I am not in any mood to tell anybody anything I do for my life after my death. I don't what to tell how I thank Allah for everything He has done for me. I don't want to talk about how I ask Allah's forgiveness. I don't want to share how my 'Duas' are. Allah knows it and I think it is enough that He knows.
But this guy is my friend. He has gained more knowledge than me. Some day back he gave a speech about the Holy Quran and I liked it so much. It was so wonderful. I like it and also him for that. He has definitely learnt a lot more than me. But today I found him to be the kind of person I have discussed above - the person I don't like listening to; he was to me like the person who considered me to be a sinner inferior to him. My heart ached because he is my friend and till now I loved what all he used to say. Today he made me believe that I can include him among the people whose talk I dislike or have an aversion towards. I felt pride in his talk. He was the person I have described above.
I wish I am wrong. I want to be at fault. I want somebody to make me believe that I am wrong and he is right in everything he said - including the way he said and also what he thinks about me - a sinner.
And also I felt that I can't share with him a few things I used to share with him until now. He said they are wrong. I know they are wrong. He listened to me till now. Now he gained some knowledge that according to him makes him superior to me - because I am a sinner now. But now I don't feel like sharing something with him - the something I am talking about is known to people who know me personally and also to him. I wish I am wrong. I pray that Allah guides me and puts me on the right path.
He is my friend and its a fact. Facts don't get altered even when they are made to cease to exist. Facts are facts.
Somehow I feel that I am becoming a heavy person to carry - a difficult person to be with. In short I am becoming a complex personality. I know there are many people who like calling themselves as complex - my blogs define me better.
The biggest problem with me is the implementation of the knowledge I have - for reason I know and also for the reason I do not know. I pray to Allah that He guides me and puts me on the right path.
One last thing: Allah has everything in measures we can't imagine of. When I ask Him for something, it never means that He will 'cut' something else from something due to me. I ask him of materialistic things in this world, and I also beg for heaven. I pray for both. I remember both. Allah knows it well; better than me; a lot better than my friend or anybody else.
I like being criticized - but in away that is devoid of any pride and complexes. I like my equals telling me that I am wrong - equals are the people who consider themselves to be equal to me.
Allah save me.
Today I also told my friend that I 'burn' because of a guy who has 'something' which I don't. It was something equivalent to me saying that I am jealous of that guy. My friend recited Surah Falaq. This surah has the verse that asks Allah to save us from teh evil of jealousy. My friend perhaps didn't understand me or perhaps he didn't understand himself. He never tried to imagine himself in my shoes. He doesn't know that this guy - of who I said I am jealous of; or I 'burn' because of whom - is among those I respect a lot. My friend doesn't know that I have prayed for this guy's wellbeing so many times - all this because I know this guy is a good person. I want good for him. I don't want to hurt him. It just so happens that he makes me feel like a looser.
Allah save me.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I wish the smoke could destroy and take away a few things; but it couldn't. It was harmless - fortunately or unfotunately! I don't know.
Thursday I went to the college but there was no class to be attended. The only productive and nice things were the prayer and the religious talk we had. I spoke a little on some suras and a few other things. There were many things said by my friends too. We were there till 4:30 pm I guess.
I was supposed to have a test on Friday. I didn't write. I felt guilty for that but not for long. Friday too there was no class. The expected Managerial Economics class was cancelled. 3 of my friends came to my house and on the way one of them told me a few things that were very important to me. I wish they were wrong. I can't write anyting about it here!
I was feeling very bad after listening to that. It was lailat-ul-kadr that night. I had thought of being alone and praying but later decided to call a friend. I didn't wish to be alone. We both picked another friend and went to the mosque. After taraveeh I met many more people there. We had some shawarma and by the time I reached home, it was 12:45 am. I slept at 6:15 in the morning. It was a night spent well. I felt nice after praying.
I woke up at 11. Then went to my grandparents' house. I slept there for sometime. There was a get-together kind of thing in the evening but I had to leave for the Hukka party which I had planned with my friends.
We were 5 people and ordered 2 flavors - double apple and apricot. When I made the first try, I felt nothing. Subsequent tries made my throat dry. I was not able to feel any flavor. But as I continued I began to feel the taste. 2 of my friend who were having it for the first time too began having a head ache and started feeling giddy. After sometime everything was normal and we were enjoying. I tried everything I could - smoking out from my nostrils, inhaling and exhaling simultaneously, creating lots and lots of smoke in front of my face. It was a new experience. The sweet smell of the flavor remained in my breath till today morning.
This type of Hukka has no tobacco or any harmful things in it. It is very mild and hardly feels like smoke. The smoke comes from the coal. It gets mixed with the flavor and is filtered by the water. Unlike the one with tobacco, it hardly takes any effort to breath. The tobacco thing requires a lot of force on lungs. This thing is equivalent to simple breathing; breathing through mouth of course. There is no sensation of any smoke being inhaled - just some air which is flavored. It leaves a pleasant smell in the breath, hands and clothes as though some very nice perfume has been applied. It is best smoked after a heavy meal. I did exactly that and enjoyed.
But yes, Hukka is not for the faint-hearted. It asks for some guts to start - basically due to the fact that people do not know what it is. The begining sensations are very strong and hard but very nice once it is learnt how to inhale it exactly! My mother thought I really smoked something, but my father knew it. I asked him to try it once; he was positive.
Today evening my parents and brother are going for some shopping. I will be attending an iftaar party. It is being hosted by the 'Dominatorz' group. I have been invited by a friend who is from Deccan college. He wants to introduce me to some poeple. Even my cousin will be there so I accepted and I will be going.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Today evening I , along with 4 of my friends, went to have 'hukka' at a restaurant at Banjara Hills. It was a great experience. I want to write about it but right now I have a terrible head ache. I haven't slept properly. It was Lailat-ul-kadr yesterday and I am falling short of necessary sleep now. InshAllah I will write many things tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
From pizza hut my friend asked me to come with him for taraveeh at the place he prays. i hesitated but I took along. Here the translation of the Holy Qural was also being narrated and it was good to listen to it. Though I was very tired, was feeling sleepy and also had some cold, I managed to pray the whole part and and also listen to the translation. The biggest problem was the urdu words I was not able to understand. But I understand many things. Though they were tings I already knew, it was a recollection that is always necessary. Usually I think I know many things, which I really do - but with and without implementation - but listening to them makes me learn it better and implement it and not only that, but also teach it to others. I have read and have been told about many things but all I remember is the final implied rules; but knowing things in detail is also necessary - actually remembering them. Being told again and again makes me feel guilty when I break a rule. If I am not being told, even if I know something is worng, I may sin and yet not feel guilty. ... ah! I know I am messing with the grammar, I am feeling sleepy again!
There were several thing I had thought of writing but I will do it in the evening of tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I did the afternoon test well ... but I will be missing out on 2 marks due to short of time. I tried to keep my hand writing nice all thorugh the paper and time was the price to be paid. I felt very bad for not being able to complete the paper and leaving the answer worth 2 marks. I was feeling bad. So I though of making myself feel more bad so that I don't think about this particular loos. I tried to remind myself of some other loss. Even that didn't work out well! I searched a little for someone but didn't find that person the way I wanted to... anyways I am fine now.
Monday, October 16, 2006
I know nothing more of this but I am sure there is a lot more to it which I will come to know after my father returns home. He has gone out to get grocery.
Tolichowki has always been witnessing many accidents. Every few months something happens. This thing happened after some good time and it was the worst of them all. I remember the first accident I saw here. I 15 year old boy was crushed by a truck. It was on a Saturday evening. I remember I didn't sleep for 3 days. I still remember seeing the dead body lying on the roadside. Sine then I have see and heard of many. Even the one where the brain of a woman came out and her hands were ton out of her body. My Allah bless us all with a safe and a long life.
I don't know how I did my tests today. I studied many things for the afternoon one but the questions asked were not the ones I had studied well. I don't regret it. I read things; I didn't learn them. InshAllah I will start for tomorrow's in a short while.
Alhamdulillah even today we had the discussion on religion with one of my friends taking the charge - as usual. JazakAllah. I thought we won't be doing it with our tests on, but we did and it was good. It was better than wasting time after coming home. After I came home at 5:30 pm, I prayed and at 5:45 I went out to get the iftaar. I was so tired and my legs were aching; I still had to get it by myself. I still have some pain; even in my head. But I will start the preparation for tomorrow.
Today was the 17th of October, 2006. I am counting days - for many things. I like doing it. It makes me get serious and feel bad. I like it. And I like people see laughing when they come to know that I like these things. But ... everything has a reason.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Yesterday I had written that I feel as if its been long since I had a chat with anybody. Today my uncle called me up and asked me to come online. We had chat but it was on MSN and not on Yahoo! But that was the only chat I had. Today is the first day that I didn't get any mail in my gmail inbox. Since the day I have started using it from my home, its 10 months now, I have been getting mails every day - mails that are not spams, mails that have been sent by somebody. Today I got nothing. It happens ... sometimes. Since 2 days I didn't get a scrap on orkut too. It happens .. sometimes .. simply. But I don't know why it happens!
From tomorrow I have my 2nd internals starting. I studied for sometime but still have a lot more to do. Presently I have a terrible head ache and I feel sleepy. It has been a dull day today with all sorts of thoughts running in my mind. InshAllah I will study something before I go to sleep and also in the morning.
One of the 2 subjects for which I have tests tomorrow is interesting. I like to read the topics covered in the book. But things are limited to the interest and though I like reading it, I don't feeling like learning it. That's the biggest problem I have with my studies presently. I like the subjects, I like reading them, but I don't like studying them. I just have the eagerness to know how things work, but unfortunately I don't like to learn them. Somehow I need to manage.
For the last few days my post have been becoming too serious and emotional. I wish I could make a resolution of not mentioning anything serious here; a decision to stop writing about a few things. But this place is meant for me to relieve myself of all those things. It's like I sit in front of somebody and speak out everything and that person listens to me without questioning me back. And everybody likes that.
Friday evening I did go out for shopping. My father took us. I bought 3 shirts and 2 trousers. I took a lot of time selecting them and it is something normal for me. Whenever I go out for shopping, I don't like any of the clothes I see. It takes a lot of time before I find something that I feel would look best on me. It frustrates my parents, but they are used to it by now. In the coming month I have one more of such round to make. I have several things on my mind while choosing clothes. I don't see if what I select is nice. I try to imagine myself wearing it, and visualize how I look in that particular shirt or trouser. In short I buy clothes in which I look good. I don't care how the clothes look. But I maintain a certain standard and don't get tempted by clothes that may attract me but don't have quality.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
So what? What did I gain from all this? Nothing? Everything? It still remains a mystery.
It has been said that humans hardly use 5% of their brains and Einstein used 10% of it. But some people don't use even that percentage of their heart. For reasons known to themselves - for reasons they don't want to talk about. They are numb, they don't care for others; they take things easily; they have decided that they will never think about it. They have decided not to use their heart. I wish I never had to care for it, but it makes a difference to me. Unfortunately!
Today I went to CL. I was among the 6 people present. I had my Iftaar at a hotel near by before going for the class. I had tea and osmania biscuit. This was the first time I sat in such kind of a hotel and at anything - alone. I did feel alone sitting there. Whenever I had been to such hotel, I had my father with me. He wasn't there with me today. 15 days back I sat in a bakery and has some spring rolls. I was alone even there but it was a bakery and not a road-side tea hotel.
I was left early so I reached home at 8:50 pm. My friend from my college too didn't come for the class so I came by bus. After coming home I prayed Ishaan and also the prayers I missed today. I hope Allah accepts them.
During the day time I slept a lot. I studied for some time too but it was nothing substantial. I woke up at 11 am after sleeping at 6:30 am after Fajar. I thought a lot about some things today. All useless and waste of time. But I am fine, I am not feeling bad - just unfortunate. I am not complaining it; I don't regret anything. I am thankful to Allah for what I am - even if what I am is not what I should be. I have my whole future ahead of me and I can do anything with it. I have nobody who would ask me. I have no responsibility. I can live my own life and live for that that matter to me. I will select the things that should matter to me. I will live for my parents and my dreams. I won't live for people who don't have anything for me. It's a different thing that I may not forget them.
I don't think I would be going to CL tomorrow. Already the ones present today were saying that they won't come.
I was thinking about when it was the last time that I had a chat with anybody on yahoo messenger. I think it was yesterday and then 3 days back. Yesterday it was with a friend and only for a few minutes. Now it seems as if several weeks have passed since I spoke to anybody. It happens sometimes - simply. Then things become fine - by themselves. There are days when all I do is chat.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Today after coming home at 4:30 pm I crashed out into my bed. When I woke up there were hardly a few minutes left for the iftaar. Today my father has also promised to take us to Abids for my shopping. Everybody else at home are done with their own and its only me who is left. Last Sunday we had planned to go but my brother's ill health prevented us from getting out of the house. Even today he my not come with us when we go out - he has his test tomorrow at his college. But even I am not sure what my father finally decides!
Yesterday I couldn't update this blog. As long as I was online I didn't remember writing, and only after switching off the computer that I realized I had to write. It wasn't much late and I had enough time, but I didn't feel like. So the point is not that I couldn't write, the thing is I didn't write!
One of my friends didn't do his lab internal well. He was feeling very bad for it while returning home form college. He had studied quite a lot and he was heartbroken as he couldn't write the test well. He said he can take this in 2 ways - stop all studies and forget everything, or study much harder now. I hope he opts for the second way.
I have my theory internals starting from the coming Monday. I do not know what's going to happen this time. 2 days I have 2 exams - morning and afternoon. I think it would be better if I give force on one of the 2 everyday and score well in that. For the other one I need to manage with something - its making me feel tizzy. I am not able to study anything when I am fasting. Mornings are the only times I can expect something form myself and if I spend that time in sleeping then I need to forget any marks.
Then finally I have my theory externals from November 14th. Before that I will be having the practical ones. So, there is a good tight schedule in the coming days with even the final days of Ramazan arriving.
Today I felt a little bad for some coincidences. Some people appear more when I try to avoid them. And this reminds me of more and more things which I want to forget. I know this will continue till I finish my engineering.
Today is October 13th. Last year, the very day I had written soemthing which now I need to carry all through my life. I don't regret it; I am not sorry for myself. But if I have caused anything tp anybody, I am sorry for that. I am living with it!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Now I feel perfectly fine except that in the mornings during Sehri I am not able to eat the way I was doing previously, before falling ill. Even in the evening I begin feel done with the eating with just a few things. The more I get desperate in increasing my weight, the more difficult it is getting for me to eat properly.
Now a days I don't seem to find any topis to write on. Even for this blog, I don't know what exactly to write. There are few things I am avoiding and they take all the weight away. Except the news paper and somethings form books here and there I am not able to read anyting due to less time. Even when I have time it is getting wasted in sleeping! And because I am not reading much, I am not thinking much and I am not able to write much.
A few days back I read at a place about how to get some new ideas while writing essays. it was for people who write essays and get stuck up in the middle of the paragraphs. The idea given was to open any pare of the dictionary and read some words - they fire imagination. But I found myself doing it already. So many times I open the dictionary for so many reasons. I open it when I feel bored, when I feel like reading and find nothing interesting, when I am writing and suddenly forget what to write. Sometimes I simply open it, get a few words, known and unknown, and frame some sentence using them. It always helps me ... wiht manythings.
So after reading this thing, I felt glad that I was already on the right track, even with nobody letting me know what the right path was. So many times with so manythings I have felt this way but as long as I am never made to feel that I am doing something wrong, I dont think I can ever call myself satisfied. I need to know that I am wrong with something. And sometimes when I am made to know that, I often dislike the way taken. And later I realise it ... that I was wrong and also that I was being a kind of cynic. So this itself is beyong explanation to me. I need to know that I am wrong when I am wrong, not after being wrong! ...
The above 2 paragraphs is what that happens when I reduce thinking and reading - I am not able to explain clearly what I am trying to!
Monday, October 9, 2006
I had a cup of Horliks around 9 am at the comforts of my bed. My mother brought it for me. Then it was bread with tea around 12. I sat at the dining table for this. And now, sometime back she prepared a soup and it tastes wonderful.
Tomorrow I have an internal test in Operating Systems lab. I took a lot of printouts today. It hardly took anytime, I call it lots of because I haven't taken so many at home till now! A few days back our mam had explained many of the programs personally so I guess if I spend some time with them, I wont have any problem in studying them. There are 2-3 programs that threaten me and I will leave them. Alhamdulillah I have no complains with my health too.
Yesterday my aunt called me. A few days back my father had given a copy of my article 'My Perception of My Own Life' to my uncle (my father's elder brother) and my aunt read it yesterday. I called me as soon as she finished reading. She said she liked it a lot and she praised me for my broad-mindedness and observation. It was after 8 in the evening and the rest of the time I spent before sleeping was great. Her call made my day!
My aunt too, along with my uncle, is an active member of Amways. They are into this for more than 20 years now. I am not sure but I think it can be 25 years too. All through they have met thousands of new people, listened to hundreds of videos and read books in equal numbers. In a way I can say that they have seen the world. My uncle has always inspired me. No doubt how much yesterday's call from my aunt means to me. She wished me great success in life.
Now the bad taste in my mouth is gone. I don't know if it is really out, or I am used to it by now. What ever it is, I am able to eat everything I like. Presently I feel like having some fried chicken and I will have it! It is always nice to do whatever you feel like as long as Allah has given you the permission to do it.
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Yesterday and today I didn't go to CL. I was at my grandparents' house yesterday evening. It was one of those old days when everything used to be cozy when we all met. It remains to be that way every Saturday but without me. It was my mother's b'day too. Last year we had a dinner outside. This time we did nothing.
On Friday I went to bed at 10:40 pm. And I fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes. I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday morning and wished my mother then slept again. I had a program to attend in the college and my mother wasn't allowing me to go. I wanted to go as staying at home alone is too lousy and makes me lethargic. I called my friend, asked him to pick me up and took along to the college. I had good time there, Alhamdulillah!
On Friday I thought of doing some maintenance things of my computer using the built in recovery system. It didn't work. Some file seems to be missing. Now I will have to call the customer care for assistance and I know its going to take a lot of time before I could have things fixed.
Friday, October 6, 2006
Today afternoon I was having some cough syrup. As I poured a little syrup in the spoon and started to raise my hand toward my mouth, my hand started trembling.
3 hours I ha a terrible cramp in my feet. It was as if some bone in my feet had got dislocated from its position. Even till now I can feel soemhting uptill my knee. It was actually some nerve that got strained.
The moment I m touching water, I am getting shivers. I havent taken bath for the last 3 days. I feel so bad and guilty too!
I missed my fast today and even all the prayers. Such a pathetic time.
But still I am doing good mentally.
Every few hours either my mother or my grandparents are caling me to ask abt my health. Soem how I don't feel like telling them how I am doing exactly. Everytime I sopke, I told that I was doing better. Now I days I am not liking telling ppl how I am doing. My answer is always or usually 'I am fine' unless the person is somebody very close who wouldnt call me a neagtive person!
Thursday, October 5, 2006
I have another lab internal tomorrow and I have no idea if I am going to study for it. I am not able to sit at one place for long - feel like lying down.
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
There is (was) a guy in orkut who was in my friends' list. He is supposed to be some friend's friend. Everytime we met, he was good to me and I was good to him. But yesterday he reacted to a scrap written by a friend of mine in my scrap book. I don't want to get into whose mistake it was, but what this #@&%) guy did after that was and continues to be intolerable. He created a fake profile and is trying to hurt my friend.
I wish I knew the right thing to do now. I even feel like going and banging him. But thats not the right way I suppose. I will wait to hear what my other friends have to say. ... damn hell! what a bad person I had as a friend. And what a wrong way to know what he is. I hope to forget all this but I know its going to be here for long.
I have prioritised all people I have with me. At no moment of time will I have any problem in selecting whom to support and whom to fight against. I have done this after a lot of thinking and even if in some way I am wrong, I am not going to mind. I am ready to face all consequences. And again I take all responsibility of everything that happens within me and around me.
Hardly a day passes by when I don't ask Allah to make me a good person. I beg Him for goodness in me. I ask Him to make me a person who would never do anything wrong, never hurt anybody, never say anything bad ... a person who is liked and loved by eveybody. I really don't care if I am the richest or poorest of all the people in this world, but if I am not good, I know I am the wrost and i can never forgive myself.
I will become a good person not by just avoiding bad things. I need to do good things to become good. And I ask Allah that He helps me, and makes me, do good things.
I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved. I don't want to envy anybody, I want to love everybody. But when anybody does anything wrong, hurts me or any of my friends, I can't tolerate that. I am usually quiet ... usually taken as calm. I don't like telling people thing like 'you have never seen my anger' or 'you don't know who I am and what I can do'. Even I don't know things like these but I know one thing - Allah is with me and with all people who are dear to me. I am forget some personw ho troubles me, my friends my forgive a person who troubles them, but I can't guarantee that Allah will forgive. He is just and He takes into account every deed done by a person.
I simply can't understand how people can even think of hurting or causing trouble to anybody. How can they ever forget that Allah is watching them? I like learning things from everything I see and experience but this time its not affordable. I can't hold my and my friend's respect at stake.
Monday, October 2, 2006
My father and my brother had to buy some clothes. My father asked me to accompany them and we all 4 took along. Then at the shopeI was asked to buy a shirt for myself and I did. Then we went to the tailor, spent soem time there. He also happens to be my father's friend. He was telling me about his sons who are studying in Australia.
I had a lite dinner and I will sleep a little early today. I plan to study for sometime tomorrow morning. I really don't know if I am going to study or not!
I think even my post for today is the same as my day today - boring!
Sunday, October 1, 2006
We bought some softdrinks outside and went to Jubilee Hills. We were 8 people now on 4 bikes. The ride on the empty streets was too good. Some of my friends were upto some non-sense and they started shouting. After some good riding we reached KBR park. We had the drinks standing in the parking place. Then we took to the walking track. I, along with 3 others kept a distance from the other 4 who were too weired and illmannered to be had as company. Somehow time passed and we were on bikes again.
We reached a friend's house around 9:30 pm. Its pretty close to my house so I was comfortable here. We took many pics here and had lots of useless talk. It was good - got to have a lot of laughing and shouting. But I was me - and I didn't forget that.
I have so many friends and they are so different. Each of them teaches me something. Even if he is not doing something good, I learn from him that I shouldn't be doing that bad thing. Sometimes I appreciate some people's company and sometimes I prefer staying away. It was fine today even though I didn't like a few things. Nobody makes me feel bad; I am respected, never laughed or joked at. So as long as this continues, I am sure I will never have any problem.
But among all the friends I have, my group at the college is best. I am at the best of my comfort lavels with them and I really love their company. . . . . but even this won't last for long. Less than 2 years is all I have. I lose them after that. They will take their own ways and I will take mine. Nobody knows who is going to remember whom - I will never forget anybody. I shall remember every time we all spent together, every nice talk we had, every online chat we had ... everything.
I had a holiday to CL today. I woke up at 11:30 am after sleeping at 7:15 am. I did a lot of small things after that and even got a hair cut. I feel relaxed now. A lot of weight form my head is gone now!