Saturday, September 30, 2006

May be I am being too emotional

I had my early morning meal an hour back. Just thought of spending some time on the internet so didn't sleep. Yesterday night I opened the website to update the blog but didn't feel like writing anything. I even went to the compose-page but logged out after that!

Yesterday I reached home at 9:00 pm from CL. I missed my taraveeh prayers and even the evening ones. I had my iftaar at a bakery near CL - it was a heavy spring roll. This was for the first time that I sat alone in a place like that and ate something. Everytime I eat something outside I have somebody wit me; if I am alone I get things home and have them. I was alone today. Felt different, but I know things like these are going to happen more frequently now.

Earlier during the day yesterday I bought an inkjet printer. It's from HP. I had an old friend of mine to accompany me. We went on his bike. Then there was another problem with my computer - my optical drive wasn't working and I needed it badly to install the printer drivers. So, I called up my uncle who lives in Saudi Arabia and asked him if I could take one of the 2 ROMs from his computer here. He agreed too happily. I took it home and by the time my computer was ready with the printer it was already 12 midnight. I took some printout just now and I am satisfied with everything.

Now that I have a ROM in my computer, I am thinking of having a format done. It will be one of those recoveries of the data wherein all the registry is reset and my computer will be rolled back to what it was when I purchased it. None of the data will be deleted but all the software I had installed will be removed. So, its going to b a task for me to reinstall everything. But it will be worth that hardwork given that my computer's performance will bettered by a good measure.

Yesterday sitting at the bakery alone I looked out of the huge glass window staring at the busy street below. It was on the first floor of a small building overlooking the Green Lands Guesthouse. I felt real lonely. I was waiting for the rolls to come and was terribly hungry. I felt as if I live alone in the city and there is nobody who knows me here. I was getting into too many deep thoughts when the spring roll arrived. It was quite a lot in quantity but hardly took any time for me to finish it up. I was already getting late for the class. Just reached there before time.

Yesterday morning I got out off bed at 11:30 am. I remember getting up a lot earlier than that but was just lying there - trying to think! When I came out and sat in the living room I felt as if I ws going to waste the whole day. So I called up my friend and asked him if we could go out to shop for the printer. He was too friendly and agreed.

My brother has his last 3 days of Dusserah holidays. Today after the morning prayers he went out to play. He is fasting and he didn't listen to my mother's advice that he should sleep. He plays cricket and football usually. Today he is playing only football - with his Sudani friends he has made. He plays with them every Sunday and they have socialized.

My brotherly is more friendly than me. Quite a few times I have been told by people that I talk less, and that I am cold by nature. I can't help with this - simply. My friend know how much I can talk. They know they can't stop me when I am on. But this doesn't happens always and whenever it happens, it's only with my friends. I find no reason why I should talk to new people unless there is a need. And I always hope that no need arises. Even when there is something I need to know I prefer acquiring things by myself. Probably I am wrong with this; probably I don't know how to make friends - I never made friends by myself; and probably I don't know how to socialize with people and get acquainted. But this is how I am - I wish I can learn things and change myself.

My friend at CL has already made a few friends. I spoke to a guy last week - actually he spoke to me; he was the 3rd one to talk to me. He told me his name and I forgot. Perhaps I didn't take it seriously. Later I asked my friend about him. I hope I don't forget anything. There is one more guy who greets me everytime I am there - I need to know his name too. It is essential for me to be more friendly and loose my cold nature so that I get to meet more people. People in turn are essential to ones success - but right kind of people.

I have also learnt about myself that I take a lot of time to get close to a person even after getting well acquainted with him. I never feel like sharing anything with any person unless I totally trust in him. I fear being laughed at - may be not in front of me but behind my back. I find myself at comfort with a person after a long time of staying together. But over the years I have found many people like these and I have a long list of friends. But I don't find any person who became my friend when I tried to forge a friendship. I never tried that with anybody. I don't know if I will ever do that. I suppose as long as I keep trying to become a good person and behave well with others, I will get friends without any trouble. But this nature of mine tells me about a problem that may arise in future ... may be I am being too emotional!

I had been trying to write something for Flowing Emotions but I am not able to find time at night. I am getting too tired and crashing out earlier than usual. There are 2 topics I had decided long back and they are waiting for my attention and time!

Friday, September 29, 2006

I am so blessed

Today while in taraveeh prayers, I could hear every muscle and bone I stretched and bent telling me about the pain it had. They were complaining that I was being too much of a sadist causing them to strain. I kept praying but hardly concentrated. I wish I am forgiven for that. I had a very tiring day.

I didn't attend the afternoon class. I had to go to each of the 1st year classes of CSE and IT and ask them to send their articles for MJ Communique. I had a completely new experience today. The first confrontation was in the workshop when I called some students at one place and told them the details. I asked them to inform about it to their other class mates. This was simple and easy.

Then I went to a chemistry lab. I was packed with confidence when I entered the lab. The lecturer was explaining something to the students at the board and around 30 students were around her. Then moment I told her that I wanted to make an announcement, she waved her hand and asked me to go ahead. I turned towards the students and went blank. They were all staring at me. All faces - as if I am being judged for something. Some faces were poking if between from other faces. I somehow said a few words to start with. I was literally trembling. I had a friend with me who took some responsibility of the announcement and helped me out. I was relaxed when it was over.

I still wonder what made me so nervous when I was there. After chemistry lab I went to 2 more classes and I was extremely comfortable with the students. One of the 2 classes was in the other chemistry lab and the other in a class room. The class room thing was the best feeling. All students were paying all attention and were listening to me eagerly.

I am sure I learned a lot today. I am also sure that the next time I have to say anything this way, I will be definitely good at it. I have spoken in front of many people before when in school but I didn't know I would fear this at this time. I was so confidant that I would have no problem - I had no problem actually save the chemistry lab!

Yesterday my friends had decided that we would go t Pizza Hut today to have the iftaar meal. We were 11 people there and had a lot of fun. One of my other friend was there too but with cousins on another table. I even met (an 'hi' from far away) a classmate from school. I met my cousin brother too.

The best part of today evening was I sat with my friend who had not been talking to me for the last few days. He (or probably we) was (were) back to normal. I felt so good and glad about this.

After reaching home I lay down for sometime. I sat beside my father. It was such a good feeling again. I wished I could take rest on his hand and relax, the way I used to do until a few years back. I realized I am too old for that now and I may never get a chance for that again. I even wished that I could sleep on my mother's lap ... Even that is not possible now. I have taken myself too far.

I had a terrible pain in my legs - thighs, knees, calf muscle, ankles, toes, palms, the complete feet. I usually give a massage by myself by pressing he muscles. I wanted to do that but had no time to relax. I left for prayers at 8:30 pm. I had already missed Ishaan. I prayed it individually and joined the taraveeh.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


I prepared the notice on behalf of MJ Communique today and most probably tomorrow it will be on all the notice boards of CSE, IT and MCA. I hope we get a good response from the students. I have begun to like what I am doing :)

Yesterday I forgot to update the blog. I was awake till 12:15 am but it didn't strike me that I should be writing. I realized only after switching off the computer.

Today morning I reached college late by 30 minutes. I was afraid that sir wouldn't allow me into the lab but he did. I guess he saw that I was heavily sweating! I felt bad that I was late ... Probably it was something against my self-respect -- entering the class so late. Somehow I am fine. But all the while in the lab I wasn't feeling good - not because I was late - for something else. Simply. I had a 'low' time for 2 hours. I didn't do much in the lab except for what I had remembered sir teaching on Tuesday. Later when I met my friends, I felt better. Great actually. No doubt how much I need them.

I received my study material from CL through post yesterday. Things are piling up and I need to get working with them. I feel I would be fine with English and data interpretation; quantitative analysis would be the area I need to work hard.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Soya chunks!

Today perhaps I heard the most beautiful recitation of the Holy Quran in my life. There was also a moment where I almost had tears in my eyes hearing the Maulvi recite the holy verses. He is also an engineering student just a year elder to me. He has learnt the holy Quran in Saudi Arabia. I had always like listening to him in the prayers but he is getting better and better. JazakAllah.

I was a little late home today due to the unavailability of buses. I reached at 5:30 pm and till then my brother was already out to get the snacks. I handled the vegetables and milk part later in the evening.

Today when I opened the google videos page where the video 'ya ali' has been posted by my cousin, I found that there were already more than 100 visitors. I do not know how many have really seen the complete video. Mostly we, in India, do not hav fast internet connections; people from other countries, especially western, do have it. So, may be all the people abroad, who were sent the link have seen it. My aunt especially had asked me if she could share the video with her friends ... I was glad that she liked it.

But not everybody liked the idea. I undersand it was something connected to religion. But in general, that song itself is wrong. Music itself is incorrect. The song selected by my cousins could have well been some other one but 'ya ali' is one of the latest hits and any person who has listened to it on a good music system or with sub-woofers will know how amazing the bass is and how mesmerizing the beats are. We couldn't find any song much better than this. We hardly had thoughts of the word 'Ali' being used. The song was the focus, the music was the required thing, dance was just for entertainment ... If somebody has not liked what we have done then there are 2 questions for him/her- "did you listen to the lyrics of the song while watching the video? if so what did you understand?", "but I am sure you were more occupied with the dance because you were getting entertained!" Entertainment was the objective.

To be frank I don't appreciate my cousins or my brother doing anything like this. All this was done just for fun. I know it would have been better if fun was derived from something more decent and acceptable; I was the only one who wasn't interested in this act. All my cousins were. I gave in. If somebody sees the original video - the unedited one - he/she will hear my voice in that. My voice's sound was above the music's. I was the one shouting and telling my cousin and brother what kind of things to do and the way they should be done. So if at all any person has to take any responsibility of the video, then its me. If anyone has to take the credit, then its my cousins and my brother. Nothing more on this. I can't help if anybody is offended. The offended may write an complete blog in objection and post it in the open. There is no point in telling things being a coward.

Yesterday and today morning I had soya bean chunks. They were added to a curry prepared by my mother. These chunks were somewhat like nuggets. But they were completely vegetarian. They appeared like meat and also tasted almost the same. I like every piece I ate. There was no fat and no bone!

My friend has not started talking to me yet. We have confronted a lot in these 2 days but nothing more than that happened. Twice I was almost about to laugh looking at the reaction he had on his face when he saw me. Perhaps he will take more time.

Today's post is the 150th on this blog :)

Monday, September 25, 2006

The month of Ramdan

I went to bed around 11 pm yesterday. I remember getting up again at 11:20 to have some water. Then it was at 4:30 am when my mother woke me up. I had a heavy meal, prayed and slpet. I wanted to stay awake and read something but gave in to the luxury my bed was offering!

The first day of fasting was very much like other days. I thank God for making it easy for me. I reached home at 4:30 pm when he door was locked. I waited for my father for sometime, and when he came, I crashed out again. I asked my brother to wake me up at the call of Azaan but when I opened my eyes, even he was sleeping. I ran out to get snacks and Haleem. I prayed, and had the 'iftaar'.

Today I was asked to start working for MJ Communique. The article I had submitted made through and I will now be working as the editor of MJ Communique. I am definitely happy and I guess it is a kind of acknowledgement to what I have been doing all these days - my other articles, blogs, poems, letters! I hope to make myself even more better than what I am right now and I will live up to all the responsbilities I will be given. I am thankful to all my friends who have been encouraging me - especially 3 people who have read everything I have posted on my blogs till now and even more. I even thank my cousins and my aunt. If there was nobody to read my blogs, may be I might have stopped writing long back and would have never learnt what all I have till now. There is a long way to go - I choose a path less travelled; which is not even a bit promising unless I am several times better than those who are alreay at the threshold.

God willing for today I will start my taraveeh prayers. I didnt go yesterday. I wanted to have a friend of mine with me. He lives at Mehdipatnam and he is going to some other place. He has his other friends with him. I was thinking of going to some place where the Holy Quran is finished in 5 days. This is because I wont getting time later when I have my practical internals. I even have classes every Saturday. Anyways I will start with it near my house - will see if something feasible is there later. It is also a known thing that finishing The Holy Quran so fast is not good.


I came back from Taraveeh prayers a little before 10 pm. I felt good after spending some tiem in the mosque. I was late for Ishaan prayers and had to pray by myself - not with the congregation.

While I was standing for the prayer, I felt some insect crawl on my right feet. I tried not to think about it but it was too much an irritation for me that I couldn't ignore it. I first thought it as a mosquito that would fly away after having some blood - I have allowed this happen many times. But it was more than that. It was crawling too slowly and was such a discomfort for me. I could see some people around who were shooing away the mosquitoes even while in prayers but I preferred not to do anything like that. Then suddenly the movement of the insect intensified. It wasn't moving around much but perhaps circling on my feet. For once I thought it had pierced into my skin and was moving beneath it. I somehow had a look at it. It was still on top. Then it started moving up and got onto the sleeve of my trouser. I was finally relieved. After the prayer I shrugged it away.

I had perhaps never mentioned the name 'Allah' before in this blog of mine. I have always been writng 'God'. I don't know what had stopped me but today suddenly I felt that I must have things clearly mentioned. Allah is my God.

The first part of today's post was written around 8:15 pm. This at 11:15 pm. ... an extention. :)
I am not reviewing or editing anything.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


3 o'clock in the morning yesterday, I was on my bed thinking. About many things ... I simply dont know wat made me think all that. I woke up at 7:30 am and was in the college a little before 10 am. I had the program till 1:15pm then a class till around 3 I guess. I left for my grandparents' house at 3:30pm from the college. Reached there at 4:20. Left at 5:40pm, reached CL 20 minutes late - was stuck in the traffic. I was back home at 9:20 pm.

It was a simple day with nothing much done but ---

1) A friend of mine said that he would never talk to me again. This was because I didnt wait for him while I was going to HOD to submit some form for a campus connect program. I dont know how much he meant it. I did feel bad when he said that but I am not sorry and I dont regret anything. Given that he has been irritating me a lot in the last few days, I think I did right by taking him easy. He is just showing some ego and I am sure he would be fine very soon. But till then I will miss him.

2) I was 20 minutes late at CL. Even last Saturday I was late due to rainfall. I felt bad for this. It wasnt any kind of embaracement, but still I felt guilty for going late ... felt disrespect for myself.

3) Many of my friend went for a movie and I didnt go. The first reason was definitely was that if I had been tot he movie, I would have gone to CL late. But anyways I went late ... it was decided by God. But still I felt glad that I didnt go!

4) Today I felt I am very alone. I dont know what made me feel this with so many nice people around me. I hated myself for this. I dont deserve anything good if I think this way. There is some fault with something and I need to identify that. Will take time.

The rest was fine. I was glad that I could meet my grandparents. My aunt prepared fried chicken for me. I told her that there was absolutely no need for her to take the pain to prepare that, but still she made it.

After now, for the last 2 hours, my wisdom teeth has been poking its pointed tip to my cheeck from inside. It giving some irritation. I hope I get used to it soon.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Ya Ali song -Home made video

Indian teens dancing to the famous ya ali song with the grave of Ali as the centre of attraction.This was shot for fun and would be worth a watch. ...

Done by my cousins and brother! Its a work of comedy and fiction and there is no intention of hurting any sentiments. If any person feels offended, we are sorry for it but we don't regret anything!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Say it

I was about to shut down my computer when I realised that I had not updated the blog.

I didnt attend the lab today morning as I was 30 minutes lates. I started late from home. I over slept. I slept late yesterday. I wasted my time. What more can I say?

I had soem nice chats with 2 of my friends today ... it was nice talking to them. Always makes me feel good after talking to sombody who is there to listen and talk back honestly.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I need to take something more cold-specific!

For the last one week i have been suffering from cold. I cant say that I am suffering but still I am not perfectly fine with my throat, nose and voice. Mucous get accumilated in my throat and makes me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it even makes my voice sould a little different. I am taking some cough syrup daily but I suppoose I need to take something more cold-specific!

In the evening after the college I went along with my friend s to 'Kababish'. We had grilled chcken there. We had a long discussion, in which I didnt participate, before deciding that we would be going to that place ... its a bit far from my house ... on the other side of the Musi River - Chaderghat. There was no grilled chicken available at the outlet on this side.

I attened all classes today and even the one of Data Communications. I tried alot to concentrate and hear everything sir was saying. I understood only one thing - Sir tells the name of the topic and the details of it; he hardly explains what the topic is all about. Forget about explaining the topic! Still I was there in the class and I felt glad that I wasnt bored of the lecture and didnt feel sleepy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Eat Street

I am finally done with the article that I would be submitting to compete for the post of editor to the MJ communique. I had to do a lot of thinking this time given that there was a limit of 250 words. Still I went beyond 325! All I hope is that nobody else writes anything better than this, and I am selected. God-willing.

Today I missed my first class - in the morning. It was because of the rain; it was raining too heavily near my house and as it was cold, I was feeling like staying inside the blanket for even longer. I started from home a little before 10 am and my father dropped me almost half way up to the college.

In the afternoon I didnt attend the scheduled lab. To the best of my knowledge nobody did. It would be too disturbing for me if I come to know that somebody has attended and attendance was taken. Already had such experiences before.

I went along with 7 friends of mine to Eat Street. We had quite a many things there - nuggets, burger, ice cream and some 'chaat'. Then we played 'Truth n Dare'. I can't explain how much fun it was. One of my friends went to 3 people individually and told them that he is mad - this was the dare given to him. Another friend went to a couple sitting nearby and asked them boldly "what are you doing here?" Perhaps they understood that we were just playing and they were fine. He even took a pic of their's using their cell phone. Another friend went and asked the name of some girl sitting a little far away. I laughed a lot today.

I reached home at 5:30 pm. I had some of the lunch I had taken to college and then a chicken roll as my dinner. I dont know but I think I will eat something more before getting to sleep.

Just after we returned from Eat Street to the college, one of my friends forcibly took some money from me ('some' would be less actually; it was more than some). He, and another friend, held me tightly, put a hand into my pocket and took out my wallet. It was like being robbed. As far as the money was concerned I didnt mind anything, but I didnt like the way they took it from me. I was made useless by the force they had put on me! It could have been done in much better ways. I will talk to him tomorrow about this and will tell him that I didnt like it. I am sure he didnt mean to hurt me. He is my friend - I dont think I am hurt - just thatI didnt like it.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Nothing much today

I had a class for English Usage today and it was equally good - like tomorrow. I came back home around 1 pm and after some snacks I jumped into bed to wake up at 3:30 pm I had my first proper meal of the day at 4 pm. After that I have been eating something or the other every now and then. Had lots of biryani too.

I the evening I did a lot of reading. I had to write some article for college and I was saerching for the right mood to happen to me. It did happen but it was too late. I will write something tomorrow. The biggest problem is that the word limit is 250 words!

I also had a chat with a friend where we discussed a lot on body language and facial expressions.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

The title is a quote by Elbert Hubbard. I have subscribed to a newslatter from and they keep sending me something interesting every week. This Saturday it was quotes by Elbert Hubbard.

I arrived home 9:10 pm today after the class at CL. It was about reading comprehension and it was one of the best classes I have attended till date. I have assessed my reading speed as 155 words per minute at that particular moment, with that particular mood, with those five 600 to 900 word essays. By the time I get ready to write CAT, I need to have my speed around 350 i guess. Even if it is not necessary, I know I can make it - I wnat to actually. Its a satisfaction in itself. I need to be more good at comprehension.

Evertime I attend some class at CL I feel as if I have dome something very significant - even when its a very small things. It makes me feel that I have spent some productive time - learnt something that will give me a better shape - even when its just something related to maths!

It was around 12:30 am in the morning (night) that I decided to attend the college to be there at the program being conducted for 29 Saturdays starting form today. We were not informed about this yesterday in the class but somehow I came to know that it was mandatory to attend and I attended. It is regarding campus interviews. We would be taught about how to get through the campus interviews and selection processes. Today we had lectures on GD and PI. We even had a mock GD and a mockPI. It is necessary that we all attend at least 20 of such Saturdays to be eligible for campus interviews.

I am seriously not interested in any campus placements but still I will try to attend as many of them I find possible for me. There is always something to learn even if I dont like what is being said or taught. At least I will learn to endure something I am not interested in. But I dont think I will find myself learning endurance in the lectures ... things like these have always excited me. Just that the purpose or the objective of this complete program is something I am not interested in!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Here I am

I was thinking of some title for today's post and the song 'here I am' by Brian Adams started in the head phones which are in my ears now, so I thought of having this as the title - simply.

I had my dinner late today - actually sitting in front of the television. I watched some video related to network marketing by some very famous person working with Network21. It was real fun to see him speak along with a translator who was translating all his words and sentences in hindi. I havent finished with the full video yet; it is of 2 CDs and I have watched just 34 minutes of the first one. I have lost the patience to sit in front of the television for long even if it a very interesting show I got the CDs from my uncle.

I even completed one of my lab records tday. I was thinking that it would take me a lot of time for finishing but to my surprise i finished it in a little less than an hour. I was glad that it was finally over; if i had known that it was so small, then i would have finished it long back. It was my friend's record that gave me the essential help. I was listenign to music as I was writing.

Today I withdrew what I had sent 2 days back. I simply have no idea if that has made any difference but I am definitely feeling a little relieved that I wont be waiting for anything now. But still, I dont feel right about it. Will take some time for me to forget it. But i will forget it.

Perhaps a rejection would have made things easier for me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Still .....

waiting ... wishing ... wondering ... wanting ... wasting!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Ache in my head

I didnt wish to bunck any class today but when I found that my lab record was in no way like I had wanted it to be, I lost that wish. I didnt go to the lab cos I didnt like to submit the record that way. I came home at around 4:30 pm. Wanted to talk to some friends but I guess I will do it tomorrow (today, now).

The time I am spending on orkut is increasing everyday. I found many of my old friends there and I guess it is better to scrap there than chat in yahoo messenger.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Good and evil

A friend of mine seems to have some problem with me - he wants to define the differences between good and bad even when i told him that it is better off as good and evil He will take some lessons from me very soon.

I had a better day today. We left the college early without attending the afternoon class and I spent a lot of time on the internet especially with orkut. I had been thinking of adding somebody and even my friends have asked me to go ahead with it but I am still afraid. Seems to be a joke ... I have a keyboard in my hands which is mightier not just than a sword but a tank and I am afraid of making a few clicks with my mouse. Actually, the mouse must be a little weaker. :D

I haven't read my friend's post completely even till now. I had chats with many people on orkut and even on yahoo messenger. I didn't get the time and the right mood. I was preoccupied with some other thoughts!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Nothing much for today

I didnt do anything more than going to the class at CL. Rest of the time i spent silently in front of my computer and on the bed reading and thinking.

I asked my father to take us for some outing but my brother had to study so we stayed indoors.

Saturday, September 9, 2006

Today afternoon and evening I wasn't me

I had only one class in the college today but I was there till 5 pm. I left home at 8:30 in the morning and was back at 9:10 in the evening.

The class I had in the college started at around 10:25 am. I went to the lab for print outs at 12:15 pm I guess and was there till 3:00 pm. I would have spent more time but there was a power failure. There were 4 sets of print outs I will along with a friend and we took around 200 pages for our work. It hasn't been completed yet. Till here my day was wonderful - full of happiness and cheer.

When I left the lab and was on the stairs I saw somebody sitting there with a friend. I kept my face bowed down as usual but this time I raised my eyes to have a look. That person had already turned the face away from me. That person knew I was there and wantedly didn't look at me. It seemed as if I am being ignored, dumped, hated ... it was hurting. I must learn how to keep my eyes to myself. Should I have not looked up at that person, I had been writing a jovial post today.

I sat behind the library with 2 of my friends and had kunch. I was not fine. Then we went to our football ground where some students of Mechanical department were constructing something like a helicpoter which they were terming as ... I don't remember, sorry. Without even telling my friend, I started moving towards some corner in the ground to sit there. They followed me. I simply can't write down the way I behaved there. I spoke what came to my mouth, I was playing with leaves, stones, ants, everything I could find around me. I was not conscious and not in control of myself. I was laughing but all the time I was afraid I would break into tears.

We sat there till 4:50 pm. My friends left me and I was alone. Perhaps lonely. I had my class at CL from 6:30 pm and it was hardly 5 pm now. I roamed around for some time. I dont know why I did that. I hope I would find someboday but also hoped that I dont get to see anybody.

Then I thought I should leave the college. I went to a near by busstand and stood there for sometime. I wanted to sit but there wasnt any place there. I went to 2 more busstands after that thinking that I would get some pleace to sit but all I got was some rest from the busstop's shelter columns. I had to pass time and it wasn't moving. Ther was nothing I could do. I think I felt that way.

I didnt go to CL because there again I would be alone till the class starts. Somehow I escaped those 70 minutes and I was at CL. I was very tired and was in no mood to concentrate in the class. Somehow I managed to participate in all the discussions and came back ome at 9:10 pm. My friend who is also my classmate there dropped me home else I would have reached home only at 10 pm.

My father had not parked the car properly so I had to take the weel in my hands after some weeks. I took it as a chance and drove for a few minutes. I took a turn in the dark streets of military area near my house. Then into Salarjung Colony and back to tolichowki speeding at 75kmph. I broke the rules today. I drove so fast with some havy flow of traffic. I hope nobody comes to know about this. I think I was feeling some anger when I was driving and it was evidnt from the force I was putting on the accelerator. I had the vehicle in my control no doubt. My father drives at 80 kmph sometimes.

I have been listening to slow songs since then.

Friday, September 8, 2006

It takes two to speak the truth. I don't have the other person to listen to it.

I am doing fine.

I don't want to live somewhere staying between being known and unknown, between visible and invisible, between being liked and disliked, between being spoken of and neglected, between being loved or hated. It is like hanging between the two ends of life that are defined as having life and also posessing it as one end and ... huh! what the heck ...

I do not know what I am doing and what I have done in the last 5 days. I am not getting the right person to talk to and express myself about this. And this blog is not the right place to do it. I want somebody who would talk back - blogs don't talk. But I also hope I never get such kind of a person. Its too much to handle. Actually the truth is that I don't deserve to have anybody like that because I don't think I can be the same kind of person for that person. I don't think I can myself listen to things I want to share now. So when that person has something like this to share I may not be willing to accept it. All this would be because I may not be loving that person. It is necessary that I love that person.

There are in two ways that the title of today's post is applicable to me. I will write down the first way. In relation to the previous paragraph, when I have something to say and when I don't find anybody - even if what I want to say is a big truth and it is necessary that it is said - it hurts. So I have no way to let the truth out. I can well write it here on the blog. But as I have already said, blogs don't speak.

Bottom line: The first line of today's post has no integrity. I don't say it's wrong. It just lacks intgrity.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Oops... ... ...

I just lost the idea that I had to update this blog. Its already 1:15 am now and I suppose this is not the right time for them to write - I am feelilng dead sleepy.

Yesterday I was cut off from teh internet as there was some mingling of the cables with some ganeesh procession! Its back now and I am glad it is. I posted the article I had written yestday night and it was something I had to think several times before publishing it. For those who may questions my intentions, there is only one thing I would like to say - I am not a sadist or a masochist.

Since yesterday my keyboard had been giving some problems. I was getting disconnected from its receiver. It has a small button that pairs with the one on the receiver and it was getting connected back again after I was pressing them simultaneously. Today I realised that it was time for me to change its batterries. I have been using the some ones - Duracell - since September 14th, 2004. Amazing capacity!... and of course - keyboard is mightier than sword!

Not bad - I think this is big enough to be called as an update!

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Fool me to forgetting

I wrote 2 poems today. I gave no thought to what I was going to write - I opened MS-Word, started and what I got in words is on Gridlocked.

My yesterday's post was too lengthy - of more than 2100 words. But today I felt I had written a little more that what I should have actually written. I had no intentions to prove anything about my mother; I just wrote everything thinking that someday after few years I would read it and recollect the incident. I love my mother and I have nothing against her. She has a right to stop me from doing anything. But sometimes it may happen that I will be doing things against her will but those all shall be ethically and religiously correct. I will do my best not to hurt her yet get along with what I wish to do.

Today I was in the college at 9:20 pm. My sir was already in the class but he had not started teaching. In the afternoon I had a lab and I had decided that I would attend it at any cost. Only 3 of us were ready to attend it. Other followed us. Around 10 attended finally.

I didnt get to chat with any of my relatives or my friends today except one. Though 2 of my cousins are online presently (11:45 pm), I am invisible to them and I dont feel like chatting with anybody. I dont know but its simple ....

I had wanted to write things like I am a fool that I dont feel doing anything or I am not happy. But I guess I become more unhappy when I tell myself that I am unhappy. I think I will watch television for sometime before sleeping. I somehow have to change my mind and there is no crazy thing like the television that can fool me to forgetting.

Tomorrow is a holiday and I hope to do several things including the washing of the next set of my clothes and reading some papers I had kept. I also hope I get the right mood (again) to make me write a post for Flowing Emotions. I feel pathetic when I find my blogs starving for updates!

Monday, September 4, 2006

A strategy cut off from its 'origin of necessity' results in a tragedy

I had lately developed a sort of aversion towards all the songs of Westlife. Today I heard one - 'I have dream'. Then another - 'If I let you go'. I closed Media Player because I was starting to like those songs again' all those songs that have pulled me into deep.

Saturday: Just before leaving for CL I told my father about my plan to go to Gulbarga with my cousin. Some minutes before that I had very nice talks with my father and I knew he was in a very good mood. I thought it was the best time to tell him about my plan. Then I saw him fall asleep. I thought it would make things easier for me as telling him anything after waking him from sleep wouldnt get him annoyed because he wont be able to think anything on what I say. I had to wake him up anyways as I was leaving and he had to close the door. It was natural that he wouldnt mind if I wake him up. Just as he was closing the door I said, "my cousin is planning to go to Gulbarga on Sunday evening and even I would like to go with him". Even before he would say anything, I said, "we will talk about this in the evening". He replied in positive and I left.

At 10 pm in the night, I told about this again to my fahter. I asked him if he can allow me. He was looking positive again when my mother spoke up. She said she wont allow me to go. She said she is not going to give any permission even if my father agrees to it. When I turned to my fahter for help, he said he has no objection. My mother started all things about my studies and it was clear that she had no substantial reason for stopping me. I tried hard to know why she was stopping me and I could have no answer. I found myself fully correct in my request and as even my father was in my favor, I faught back. I spoke several things and we had some arguement.

Things calmed down in some time and though there wasnt any final decision made, even after I said, "I AM going", my mother was back to normal. If she had been really angry, she wouldnthave spoken to me so well after that talk. She was so sweet untill she went to sleep.

Sunday: She had to go to her office. I was trying to contact my cousin to inform him that I have the necessary permission and he had to finalise everyhting. I was trying to contact him but his cell was switched off and he was not at home. In the meanwhile I had a chat with my cousin in Gulbarga and he said he is waiting for us to arrive there. All I neede was a confirmation from my cousin.

He finally spoke in the evening around 5:30 pm. He said he was busy and he would take the permission from his parents and get back to me shortly. We even decided that we would leave early morning on Monday.

Around 8 pm I told my father that i would be laving the next mornig. He said fine ... but after tha followed an hour of arguement between me and my mother. she said what all she could speak without thinking. I was wondering all along if there was a single thing she really meant to say. I knew her blood pressure was high and she looses her control over herself when this happens. I simply didnt mind her telling all this. I also knew that she was trying to show anger and it looked so clear that she had already given me the permission to go and she was just throwing some left over talks on me.

After that everything was fine again and I was waiting for my cousin to call me back. I had soem nice time wiht my parents and my mohter asked me about the time I would be leaving and if I want her to cook something for me in the morning. Everything was pleasant and decded.

At this moment of time I felt I had become successful in understanding my parents to and extent and when I know I am not wrong, I can convince them for anything. Along with that I also told myself that I would never be doing anything wrong that is religiously and ethically incorrect. I knew that me going to Gulbarga had nohting wrong in it - I wasnt missing any of my prayers of doing anything bad. It was just 2 days of college that i was missing and that I knew is never a big problem.

He finally came online around 11:10pm. After greeting me he said, "sorry". I initially thought he was kidding. He then told me that he had been spending a lot of time with is friends and was coming home only in the nights so his parents didnt give him the necessary permission. My heart sank. He said he tried a lot and there seems to be no hope.

After hearing that from him, I started thingking who was wrong or what went wrong. If my cousin had got the permission from his parents, then we both would have been so happy. I knew even he was hurt. We had been planning this for the past 1 month and still were waiting for the right time. Everything collapsed.

I had faught with my mother for no reason - I didnt get anything from it. I faought with her and that itself is a personal loss. The way I was calling this a strategy came down crasing and turned into a kind of tragedy! I was in a big low after knowing that I wont be going.

Thenext day, today - Monday, I woke up at 8 am in the morning. I had slept late and I had to leavefor the college immediately. I was still sleepy so I thought I would sleep a little more and leave the first class. I woke up at 9:30 a. It was just 10 minutes my mother usually leaves for her office. I went straight into the bathroom thinking that I would tell my mother, that I am not going to Gulbarga but to college, after brushing my teeth. She was bit busy and I started ironing my clothes. I heard the door closing in theliving room. I realised that my mother had left. I was confused for a few seconds - she had spoken to me in the morning. It was for the first time that she didnt tell me that she was leaving or she had not even asked me to close the door. I had to tell her that I was not leaving for anyother place but was just going to the college.

She was angry with me. I was amazed thinking about that. I thought it was her ego. My father was supporting me and she didnt like that. She didnt like to see that I was going against somehting she was doing - stopping me. She didnt like me not listening to her. She had no other reason. I simply asked myself - 'are all girls like this?' I smiled, finished the ironing and got ready and went to take the lock just before leaving. I didnt find the keys there. It a kind of lock that doesnt require any keys for locking, just for openeing, and my mother had taken the keys with her thingking that I was leaving for Gulbarga and I wont be needing them. I understood tht I will be staying outside the house today at least till 6:30 pm when my brother arrives. He always has the second of the pair of keys.

Before leaving I wanted to call my fahter and inform him that I was not going to Gulbarga. His phone was not getting connected as his school always has problems wiht the network of Airtel. I left for the college. I was feeling as if I had no place to go with my parents thinking that I am not in Hyderabad and no keys with me. I was feeling week and different - I had never felt like this before. I tried calling my father several times even from the college but couldnt get him. Then I informed my uncle who works with my father to tell my father abut this.

He did and my fahter called me a couple of hours back on my friend's fone. I told him everything including that my mother didnt talk to me int he morning. He said she asked him if I am leaving and he told her that I wouldnt do anything without taking their permission. He said I would call them before I leave. I told him I felt very bad when she didnt talk to me. He said, "take it easy, she is like that always". I knew I had got he answer for the question I had asked myself some hours before 'are all girls like this?' If anybody likes to have a say on this please tell me. I know my mother was not angry with me, she just wanted to show some anger.

Before leaving in the orning she had kept eveything for me on the table - a boiled egg, then milk in the refrigerator and even food. She wouldnt have done it if she was angry. SHe just wnated to show that she wasnt happy with me. She wanted to ignore me, ... it looked like mischief to me. It looked childish. She spoke to me in the evening so well again as if nothng had happened. I dont know if my parent have discussed but I am sure they had some talk on this even before coming home.

Everything is perfectly fine now. My mother is all normal and she isnt showing any ego now! She was successful in stopping. Now a different thng that i didnt go due to some other reason.

I was ina very bad mood. I wanted to change it and when my friends spoke of going to a movie, I got ready immidiately. It was 'Lageyraho Munnabhai'. It was a nice, entertaining movie.

Some hours back I had a chat with a friend - actually an acquaintance. Since then I am into some mental unrest with my heart pounding. Its oemthing I cant discuss with anybody and my tension will continue till I get something pacifying to know. It will take time and till then I will be reeling under under pressure to know the truth. I simply dont understand why some people are not so direct and frank. How long am I going to wait to know the truth? Till the time I am done with my engineering? I expect to see the worst part of my life then. And yet I am waiting for that day to come. It going to sweep me off my feel.

I was thinking if I have one single person with whom I can share everything I think, feel and decide. I dont have anybody like that. I have my sister but I dont get to talk to her so frequently. Perhaps the person I need is called a best friend and nobody can be my best friend staying some 210 kilometers away from me. This needs a lot fo thinking.

Anyways I am still keeoing myself with 'The Island'. I am still planning what all to write. Even some other topics are going on but I need some matter that would give me a complete post and not some small sentences. I suppose even the topic 'best friend' would be good!

I have already written so much and i dont have the patience to review and correct it.

Saturday, September 2, 2006

A long day today

When I went to bed yesterday (today morning) and was setting the alarm on the phone, I saw the time 2:30 am. I set the alarm for 8:13 am and woke up even before it went ringing. The phone was with my father and he came to me to let me know about it. I was at Deccan college at 10:30 am.

I had planned to meet a friend there. We had to talk on something and yesterday night we decided that it would be here. I came back home at around 1:50 pm. On my way back home I preferred walking some distance - a little more than a kilometer. I simply felt that I should take a stroll. But there was a lot of pollution and I realised I should have taken some bus or auto.

I slept after coming home. Before that I had a chicken roll. My grandfather was not well so my parents had taken him to the doc. They were back till I arived and mygrandfather is doing fine now. I woke up and at 6:35 pm I was at CL. There was a lot of traffic on my way to Ameerpet and I was late by 5 minutes. But as the class started even more late, I missed nothing. I had the class till 9 pm. I was back home at 9:50 pm. It was my first class of LRDI (logical reasoning based data interpretation).

I finally spoke to my father about myplan for Gulbarga. I told him about that just before leaving for CL. He was sleeping at that time and I told him that we would talk about it in the night. When I spoke about it during dinner he was in my favor - he was ready to let me go. It was my mother how is stoppin me now. But I guess somehow I can manage and I shall leave tomorow evening unless my cousin plans some thing. I hope this time nothing goes wrong. Its about just 2 days and I will b back on Tuesday evening. I really hope I leave tomorrow evening. I still have to get the final confirmation from my cousin.

Friday, September 1, 2006

"The Island"

The title of my next post on Flowing Emotions will be the same as the one of this update. Its going to be more personalised where I intend to speak of some things I had never written or spoken about. Now it will be a different thing what I would be posting - I may have to be more creative and give out more thoughts better than the way I write.

Today I had a good day - spent lots of time joking wiht my friends. After coming home I didnt sleep even though I was feeling sleepy. I had wanted to control myself and I did it today. Then I arranged all my clothes I had washed yesterday. I felt so relieved seeing my clothes arranged in perfect order. I have more such exercises to do!

Since many days back my cousin and I had been secretly planning to go to Gulbarga. The time has come when I will be speaking to my father about that. And I know his answer. He wont let me go and I am going to spend some hours depressed about it. How amazing I know beforehand how things are going to be framed by my parent's understanding that I can't take care of myeslf. I dont expect them to believe that I can - I know how misserably I failed with something when I was in the first year of my engineering!