If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
My brother said my smile looks affected and artificial. I had always wondered how I looked while smiling and if I could ever learn to show the exact amount of teeth and pleasingly smile and my brother transformed that wondering into literal thinking. I spent some time in front of the mirror and tried smiling in different ways and nothing looked convincing and satisfying. This was when my beard was a little overgrown and my cheeks and chin weren't visible. I could see my eyes smiling but I knew that if my lips don't smile well, it is never a smile. But since long I have always saluted the people from show-biz who have expertise in smiling and showing teeth. And there are three things I learn from my own fallacy here: I should look into the eyes of people and judge if they are smiling, that I should always mean it when I smile and never fake it, and that there is infinite happiness in seeing people I love smile. I really wish I could write the names' list here.
I received a big parcel from ICFAI today along with a call - letter inviting me for an interview. It said that I have been shortlisted based on the entrance test I wrote some days back and I qualify for the next round of the selection process. There were some booklets along with the letter telling me about the selection process, the placements in IBS, a booklet about some internships offered to the students there, a magazine published by their alumni and also a magazine on Hyderabad city. I loved the last thing and the letter excited my mother. They have asked me for a day in February which I have to confirm and that day I will have to give a presentation on one of the stated topics and then a personal interview. I will go there but I will inshAllah go to the US.
It's pretty clear that my mother wants me to stay here in India at least if not in the city. She says I can meet her whenever I want and the distance would be less than two hours at the most. The cost of studying at IBS is almost Rs. 900,000 and she is ready for that just to have me near her. How much I wish I could explain her why I shouldn't go ahead with it but that I love her always and want to be with her. But there are always sacrifices one must make. I don't want to go out of the country just to get a green card or call myself a foreigner or even take pride in it. Some amount of excitement is always there taken the now infamous "The American Dream" idea. But my idea is to have things extraordinary. I want pace and satisfaction at the same time and I know the life in my country is not precisely that. And I also know that I am working to get out of my comfort zone.
I have always been told by my parents that they don't need me for anything and that they can take care of themselves when I am gone. But I have no plans to stay away from them for long or leave them alone anytime. By the time my brother finishes his studies and plans to move out of the country I will have enough to keep them with me or if they want, come back to where they are. My brother always says that he will never leave India but should he think of it anytime, parents or I shouldn't come in his way. I want him to study architecture and make it as big as possible. I want to see him design big buildings and carve his name on stone. He too is my dream. He is the only person I had started loving even before he was born.
There are more to come and I can't wait for long! This could sound dumb if I explain and weird if I leave it unillustrated. But I can't hold on for long. I love small children - I like everything about them, I like to watch them play, smile, shout, or even just sleep. Nothing looks sweeter than the smiles they give while sleeping. Nothing matches their innocent voices. Nothing gives more pain to see them cry. Nothing could give more happiness to call them my own. Nothing on earth could feel better than holding them in my arms and sing for them to sleep. I wish I could directly jump on to a place in my future life where I would be living all this. I could as well let go what all has to come in between starting from the present. I just want to start living those moments at the earliest.
Some days I go to college with only single objectives - attending one specific class or a lab, submitting one assignment, or sometimes just seeing one friend. These could have no logic in them but they give satisfaction. Usually when I go to the college, I make an assessment of who all would be coming that day and whose smile would be making me feel good. But sometimes it's just the company of all of them. I would never be letting anybody know who brought me to college on a particular day, but somebody is always there - when I am in the college, somebody has to be there. This trend has started only in the final year. And there are very few months left before it ends.
Another thing I would learn at the earliest is to cook - at least some basic dishes that utilise minimal resources. It would surely make things easier for me when I have to stay alone and it always is an asset to know how to cook. Preparing tea, frying eggs or even making fried rice out of plain rice are things I have done many times, making tamatay ki chutney is something I am yet to master. I need to learn how to cook rice first and then some curries. I can keep the bigger things for experimenting. My friend always says "we should be ready for a reality check".