Yesterday it was definitely 3 am by the time I finally hit the bed, and I woke up 5:01 am exactly. I remember that from the alarm in my phone. The fajar azaan too started exactly the same moment. I couldn't leave the bed immediately given that I am not used to sleeping so less. I lay there with half my body hanging down from the edge of the bed and resting on the floor which was unfortunately warm. If I were so conscious of my surroundings and milieu, it would have surely reminded me of the ruthless summer. I hardly slept in those two hours.
While I was writing my second theory external - Computer Graphics - there came a time when I had to search for a dry area on my hand kerchief. I was sweating hard. I could feel sweat accumulating near the hairy union of my eyebrows located just before the start of my bulky nose below the frowned forehead. I could feel it take a down hill from there rolling onto the oily skin of my nose and waiting at its tip to gain weight and fall down. I was always the victor in avoiding even a drop to fall off the tip onto the examination paper.
The last 20 minutes of my stay in the examination room were without the fan working. Not that I was sitting below the wind-machine but it was definitely circulating some air. The 20 minutes were terrible. The power had let us down. I was much into the questions working on them so that they could work with marks-machine. The examiner. I am confident she would give me my share. I managed a decent chunk of the pie - of 8 essay answers.
It was 2:45 pm when my father reached home and saw me staring at the computer screen. He had called my friend on my way back home and asked for me. I had not received his calls on my phone and my mother had already started to sing her fears till then. He didn't ask me about the time I had reached home. Only I knew he arrived 25 minutes after my arrival. When I came out of the college, my phone had five missed calls. I checked them belonging to my parents. I knew they would call again. My father had to call my friend because I showed my class by forgetting to bring my phone from silent mode to general.
Its 1:01 am now and I can still feel my taste buds tasting of 'khidchi - kheema' combination. I had more than a liter of water in the last one hour and I guess I will have more after writing this post. I have the fan throwing air on me and sweat on my forehead explaining that fan is not a solution. I have no more solutions at home. A better possible solution is to think of something else and not the solution.
When it comes to thinking, I am sure even this sweat will be amazed. The sweat wouldn't know that a few inches away from the place it is moving around is a bed of neural circuits that can obtain insane obsessions that can make the rest of the fulcrum forget about the sweat itself. Not just the sweat but all the flowers of the ocean. The ocean being the one of levers and machines and human beings. Save water. I am doing good.
All this time of my fingers groping on the keyboard for the right keys, the wires starting at the head-set points of my computer system were ending in the two ears with two small magnets surrounded by foam. I was wired to some Hindi music. After I lost my playlists and the much relished English songs, Hindi ones are the only tracks that are finding me interested in.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I am private now
It was 1:04 pm when I published the last post and it is 12:06 now (of Sunday). I had my dinner around 30 minutes back and I really don't know what I should write now. I also have in my mind that I don't have to think about who is reading my blogs - two of the most sensitive ones are private now. I sent open invitations to those of my friends and relatives I could think of. I know there are people beyond who read regularly and I do want them to read it. I don't know their ID. So, if anybody reading knows somebody who has to be invited, please let me know. I have no big reservations. But I do know who needs to be kept aways.
It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.
I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.
It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.
I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.
After a while... After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I am not bad. Please
Yesterday I reached home around 2:15 pm after writing the first of the five theory external examinations. I had a terrible head ache even when I was writing the exam and also after reaching home. I could also feel a lot of pain in my neck and also the cheek bones on my face. I tried sleeping but couldn't get the exact posture for my head that would help me relax. I got some sleep in the evening but that couldn't relieve me of any pain. I slept again after 2 am. The previous night I had slept for a little less than two hours.
Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.
Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.
Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.
Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.
Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.
Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.
Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.
Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
I want to come to a point form where I can say "it really don't matter now"
Priorities invariably play a very imperative role in a person's life. If something bothers me would only let me know that it makes a difference to me and it is verily there on the ladder of priorities. It is a ladder because with time, people and maturity - inanity including - those 'priorities' keep moving up and down. The problem starts the day any one or more of them get stuck at on of the steps of that ladder. I refer to the things that refuse to change but should change. On top of the ladder one is supposed to have religion and parents so the top never attempts to differ. The rung just below that is the critical place that can make or break.
When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.
Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.
When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.
I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.
I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.
I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.
When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.
Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.
When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.
I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.
I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.
I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.
Teach me wrong from right...
Today I waited to see the sun set. I went to the house's terrace around 6:30 pm and my eyes incidentally fell on the orange sun rays streaking out of some clouds and moving up into the sky. The sun was nowhere to be seen with clouds hiding it completely. When I had a look at it from the other side of the terrace where the number of concrete structures was a little less, I found the orange ball glowing from behind the clouds.
I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.
I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.
I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.
I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.
A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!
From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.
In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.
I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.
I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.
My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.
I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.
I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.
I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.
I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.
A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!
From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.
In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.
I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.
I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.
My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Destruction is exciting
I thought I was not going to write for today. It is already 2:13 am and some hours back I was thinking of hitting the bed early. I didn't do anything much all this time but what I did was important - something I must have done a long time back. A search on google.com with my full name was supposed to give my blogs' links in the first 10 returns - it did till now. When google's web crawler comes across this the next time, it will make some changes to the indexing on my blogs.
I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.
I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.
I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.
I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.
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