Monday, July 31, 2006

I am trying to be fank and I know it's of no use

Saturday I had been to college for only 2 reasons - to take some books from the library and pay my college fee. If I had some lively poems written on Gridlocked, then may be I would hav had another reason which would have been the most important one. But ther were only the 2 reasons - as clear as I know. No question about that.

Later in the evening on Saturday, when I came to know that the reason that would have stopped me from writing those poems on Gridlocked is at the place I had been before reaching the bus stand, I grew a little uncomfortable with yet another reason I am not clear with. Infact I am happy that I am unclear with it. Then later in the night I had a chat with my friend and may be if I had not had that chat, I would have spent Sunday feeling the same way - obfuscated. There was no concrete that was talked about, but it was just the sharing of how I was feeling that made me better.

Sunday evening I had to attend 2 functions. I spent less than 5 minutes at one of them and more than 5 hours at the other. It was my cousin sister's pre-marriage ceremony kind of thing and we all had a lot of time enjoying. I was amazing and though I expected myself to forget something, it was still there with me - though not visible on my face. I was fine. :)

The party finally ended at 3:30 am and I reached home a little before 4. I slept at 5 and woke up at 1 pm. I had stayed at my cousin's residence so I didn't go to the college. In the evening, wiht my cousins, I enjoyed making a spoof of a famous hindi song. It is a 4 and a half minute video we shot and after my cousing edits it, he will post it on the internet. I won't be ther on the screen anywhere - I was somewhat like assisting my cousin who was with the camera and also giving some directions. I shouted a lot and my thought was aching for something after that. I am eagerly waiting for my cousin to do the final work. We will try to put it on Google Videos. If things work, I will put it on my blog too.

After coming home today, I was again what I should not be. I tried to keep some things away from me and I am fine. I feel too weired writing this, but I can't help - I am trying to be fank and I know it's of no use.

My cousin's marriage is on 3rd and reception on 6th. The reception is in Karimnagar. So maybe again on next Monday I may not be going to the college. I wish I never had to miss any day there, but it seems to be very important for me to attend the function.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

July 29th


Friday, July 28, 2006

Alcohol content

I came back from a wedding function at 12 mdnight and though I was feeling a little sleepy I thought i should take sometime and update the blog. The dinner was again everything minus chicken. It was not something I liked, eating mutton this way, everyday is boring. I do not understand what is stopping people from eating chicken. Anyways I was happy to meet all my cousins there, even my cousin who lives in Gulbarga is here so we had a good time.

On Monday I have a test in DBMS but today evening I came to tknow that I have to attend 2 functions on Sunday - the reception of today's marriage ceremony and my cousin sister's pre-marriage ceramony where it is expected that the party to go on the whole night. I do not know wat exactly I must be doing because my sir said we have to write the test. I better talk to him tomorrow.

Tomorrw I have quite a few things to do. I have take books from the library, pay my college fees and also buy some text books. I even plan to go to my aunt's house in the afternoon. I hope I do everything I intend to.

Today I went to te college late, I was feeling abit sleepy in th morning and I decided to be fresh when I am at the college. While shaving my beard I got a small cut below my chin. It was more painful when I applied the aftershave lotion. It was fine afterwards. I used the aftershave which was confusing me with some other smells and reminding me of something I was not able to recollect! So today I decided that I should use the liquid so that I may finally find out how that perfume was related to something that was coming into my mind - but not fully. It was a kind of torture to me for the first few hours but later I think I got to recollect what it was reminding me of. I got so manythings into my mind and one of it was that the smell resembles to the smell of some wine my father's friend likes. I had smelled it a long back, but it was very strong. Aftershaves hav a lot more alcohol content than wine. Then I also found that its the same smell of Old Spice Lime aftershave.

I got an e-mail from my cousin in Houston - he said my uncle may not be coming to India as decided earlier. My cousin himself plans to come here next summer when he is done with his graduates degree and with his admission into Medicine studies. God-willing.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Yesterday I simply couldn't post anything as my internet connection was down. I had written 3 poems and even while I was writing them I knew I was never going to post them. I wrote 10 pages of poetry and that included several lined I had taken down after listening to many songs. I will very soon compile them to get some poems that sound nice to me.

Today my cousin who lives in Riyadh came to meet us. We will be meeting tomorrow again at a wedding party. It was nice to see him after ore than a year. On August 3rd one of my cousin sisters is getting married and may be even my uncle who lives in Houston would be present with us. I have also heard that my French uncle too would come but I have been hearing such kind of things for the past 2 years. May be he is on his way to India and it is taking him a lot of time!

After my cousin left after meeting us, I am feeling something very serious with myself. It has nothing to do with my cousin. I had my lunch at 7 pm so I don't even feel like having my dinner now. I had thought of studying something today but even that seems to be impossible given that I am preferring feeling over thinking. It has been rightly said - it is much more easier to feel than to think. Perhaps an early-to-bed action would make me fresh tomorrow morning. In the evening I had chats with 2 of my friends adn though they were short, I felt very nice. Moods swing too fast - I always hate calling it mood swing but it sounds precision. But i guess it must be something else and I also suppose that I know what it is. I long for something and still wish that I don't long for it ... %^#@ ... huh!

I arrived home at 7 in the evening - thats when I sat down to have by lunch.

Yesterday after writing one of the 3 peoms I felt that I can't be so transparent openly. I need to keep a few things to myself. The 10% - 90% - ice berg personality must be followed. The second and the third peoms were somewhat better in terms of cheer and I will edit them and make them sound rhyming before I post them. That will take a while or even more than just a while. Only one of the 3 peoms was perfectly rhyming.

There seems to be some problem with that it doesn't puts my posts in a proper paragraphed way.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The name sounds cool

Today I downloaded a host of small softwares relating to network cracking. I got to learn so much relatedto hacking and the softwares used to do it. It all seems so easy once the IP is masked. I couldn't find a fully finctional IP masking software. Once I get it I think I can try out a few exciting things on the internet. But while I was into one of these forums, I was already feeling guilty - though I was just reading about hacking. I will be learning about all this just for some curiosity and I shall never misuse what I learn. I fear God.

Presently I feel sleepy and also a little dizzy. I think I have mild fever and I know this is becaose I need some good sleep. I had a real hard time today evening after coming home - I kept myself awake.

I wanted to write about something that happened because of which for the first time I may not be paying my college fees before time - I mean before atleast a week; it will be paid on time! ---

A month back my mother had planned to buy some jewellery and she asked my aunt, who was comming on her annual holiday to India from Mecca, to get some gold jewellery for her. My mother had planned to withdraw some of her savings and pay my aunt when she arrives here. But when the time came, my mother realised that withdrawing money this month would make her loose some amount because of taxes (income exceeding a limit in a month) and something related to maturing of her deposits. My father has very little knowledge about it so he never comes into picture. So the only ready cash available was my college fee. I had lots of time for it to be paid so the money was used along with another equal amount for gold jewelry.

Something like this has happened before but that didn't effect anything. Some rules by the government simply don't favor middle-class people who have most of their savings in banks. Even FDs attract tax. Sometimes, like the present instance, even with lots of money in the bank, people are left with no liquidity - no cash in hands. I do not really know how all this works, but all I knwo is that I am paying my fees late (just on time), and this is not because of any fancy jewelry that was bought, but because of some hard government regulations.

This little irritation will be ther with my mother till 28th of this month. It looks amazing that she will again become what she was untill a few weeks back - a kind of millionare (in rupees ... lol). The name souonds cool. Indian Government sounds frustrating.

Monday, July 24, 2006

My Dream - again!

Today, while standing at the bus stop, I told my friend that I have a good topic to write on today. He said he was about to tell me the same.

It was around 1:30 pm at that time and earlier I the day we had been to Durgam Cheruvu, Hi-Tech city and a bakery. We had a great time together along with another friend. We sat for a long time on a wall overlooking the lake and we spoke on topics like dreams and future and blah blah. It was important actually. Then I finally told them both about a final dream I have. It took me 2 years to tell them what exactly I want. There are 2 things I want and both of them have been termed as foolish by my parents. When I told about the first thing to my father, he said only mad people do it – I want my father to call me mad for that reason one day. My mother called those people who do the second thing as fools – I want my mother to call me a fool one day.

But these are not my dreams. I want these two things. There may be something more even beyond this but at the present moment I put the 2 as a desire. My dream takes me to an end. When I am going to die, if I am conscious just before dying, and if I have not achieved those 2 things, then I will pity myself, curse myself, regret not being a successful person, feel sorry for myself, hate myself and call myself a looser. I will die unhappily if I don’t achieve these 2 things. My dream is that I die happily.

At Hi-tech city I had a closer look at the new materials that are now being used for construction in Hyderabad. Steel, concrete and glass have always excited me but after I read ‘The Fountainhead’, the excitement turned bigger. I was of no much concern for who works in those buildings there, I was more interested in when I will be getting … no I should not complete this.

I didn’t mention that today I had a holiday and I went to the college though I knew nobody was going to come. I just had 2 of my friends with me. I somehow sneaked into the college to have a look at the place with nobody around. It was the same – I didn’t expect it to be different!!! No big deal.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


In the evening I had been to a local exhibition named as a trade fare. It was very small and only the rides were interesting. My cousin was with us and we had a good time. I bugged him a lot. Later after comin home he sat with me watching everything I was doing on the internet. Earlier he even created a blog for himself.

This post on my blog is the 100th. Frankly speaking I feel nothing with it. It is just another post on a yet another day. Yesterday I had forgotten to do it else that itself would have been the 100th one.

I had planned to write a poem today but really didn't get the right kind of inspiration. I plan to take stanzas from various song I have listned to and put it as a single one that touches me. Something like a compilation of all the nice lines I have heard in a poetic form. I hope it works nice. I even have to complete writing a few posts i had decided previously.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Nothing bad and wrong though!

Today I let out the letter to another friend of mine. I am still trying to understand if I should hav really written all that. It was not rubbish. Even the previous one wasn't. This letter will be private - no one will read it without my knowledge!

Except for a harsh and loud shout by our DBMS lecturer, I don't remember anything remarkable for today. He shouted and asked us all to leave the class immidiately as the person wo had given someone's proxy attendence come up with his confession. No comments on this. He was staring towards me when he shouted.

Today we were told about some internship opportunity for us by our head. This thing simply gave me some tension - I will feel guilty if I don't give it my 100%, and if I try for something and if I loose, it will hurt me. I didn't want to tell about this to my parents, but I did - I just can't hide from them; have already done so much till now :D nothing bad and wrong though!

Yesterday night I came back home at 12 midnight after attending my cousin's 3rd b'day. It was ata restaurant and I met almost all of my paternal relatives who reside in India. I don't get to meet everybody at other functions b'cos it requires me to go into the ladies' (I hope this is the right spelling in the context), which I don't like! Yesterday we had common dining. Had a good time there aftet having talks on several thing with people I meet once in a while and hardly get a chance to interact - I sat with my cousin sister's husband, he was cool!

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Today I have to attend my cousin's b'day at a restaurant and this is the 2nd function I will be attending this week. The previous one was on Monday which was my cousin sister's engagement kind of thing. It was around 23 kilometers from my house and by the time I was back home it was 1:20 am. It was actually a bit early that I had expected! We didn't stay till the end of the function there.

Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.

Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.

Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.

I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


My cousin brother who lives in London came here to meet us today. He is here after a gap of almost 3 years and it was such a nice feeling to see him again. He will be leaving in the 1st week of August. We all are insisting that he gets married soon and I do not know what exactly he is going to decide. Everybody seems to be in a casual mood and he said he will get married along with me 'in the same "mandap"'. This is exactly how he said. He will go back to London and will start a business of his own - a college. I wish him good luck. He has alwyas been a close cousin to me and he was the first person who took me to an English movie in a theatre. It was 'Silence of the Lambs'. It was remade in Hindi as "Sangharsh".

Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .

I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.

Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Yesterday I didn't write anything much so I thought of updating early today.

Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.

We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!

Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!

I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.

I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.

I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!

I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I was at the Osmania University today and by the time I reached my grandparents' house at 5:30 pm, I could count every bone in my feet and legs that was aching. I finally reached home at 8:30 pm and was better by that time except for some mood swing sort of thing irritating me. (I don't seem to understand that I am being a fool - may be I need some different kind of dose.)

I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.

And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.

Friday, July 14, 2006

First ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it

I finally was successful in controling myself from sleeping after coming home. I kept my eyes on the computer screen downloading some e-books. I downloaded so many of them and I wish I could read all of them but unfortunately I get a head ache whenever I try to read from the screen for anything more than 15 minutes. I somehow find it easier to write than to read!

Today in the afternoon my friends and I had decided that we would go out for a movie bunking the Manegerial Economics. We went upto the parking lot and decided to go back to the class. I think we did follow - a man is all about control and discipline :D lolz

Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. The chiefest being the submission of the application for re-evaluation of a subject of my previous semister. I was expecting more than 90% marks in that subject.

I will also read "Personality Plus" in the next 2 days. I have done the personality analysis and also have taken the help of 2 frriends of mine. One of them just got me wondering if he really believes in a premise I had referred in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions - Geometry of Emotions. The other friend's opinions gave me stats similar to those I had got from a self-evaluation. So, I guess I was right in projecting things about myself! I also wanted my father to do a similarr thing for me but he has asked me to wait. His input will defenitely be of real worth because he has been seeing me since my birth. But he has no idea about me and my psychology outside home - my friends surely do know that. I thank them for the help - it was precious and it is going to hep me a lot. I hope I strictly follow what I am learning.

In the evening I read about B-Schools in a fortnightly magazine. Though I din't read the complete artice which was of quite a few pages, I was really in a state of a different desperateness with some sort of fire in my belly. I somehow need to forge myself into any of the top B-Schools. This is the first ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it. I have no other option. I pray to God to help me through. It is all His wish.

On June 27th I got an e-mail from -

"hi brother!why do u want to become vulnerable by being clearer than
mirrror .one should be like an ocean ,whose depth should be hidden....the
more u go into it the more adventures it should be."

Today when I tried to reply it, yahoo showed me a failure in delivering the mail. This was my reply -


Who ever you are, thanx for writing.

Some weeks back I had written this in one of my posts -

"I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to
have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from
the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies
beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me
should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is
pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no
barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open
up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is
required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that
I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person
himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this."

I strictly adhere to what I had written - it was on May 16th.

So whatever clear about myself on my blogs is just the 10%!

I am always open for more.

Sorry for being late with the reply.


Thursday, July 13, 2006

I was greeted at home by my brother today. He then shared with me the noodles he then prepared.

Later in the night, I wrote a short post on what I can learn from Zizou. I first spent some time reading all the news I could get relating to him and also some material on anger control. Though I didn't go into anger control in hwat I have written, I defenitely had that in my mind while writing this post. I call this a point of view and I am sure every one has an own thing.

I had a pleasant day today and a similar evening.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

No stagnations: Days are changing - was better today

I relish every feeling of the missing frowns on my forehead and I enjoy some feelings much more when they have no strings attached to them. It was the former today that filled the gaps with ibits of pleasantness. I didn't have any so called mood swings today evening. After coming home I didn't jump in my bed but kept myself awake to the screen of my computer. It was of help and maybe today I should find no problem with sleeping as soon as I get into bed. I had terrible night in hte last few days - it was taking hours for me to get to sleeping and I was taking no note of the time that was passing in the darkness.

I finally gave my first post for the blog started by my cousin to update all our relatives with the latest happenings in our family.

Though I was fine today, I didn't speak much at home with anybody except for some comments on the news that was running when I was having my dinner. It is all fine when some things are way from my mind. It begins with some old memories, wishes to be precise, and the swings the heck of the mood thing. It gives me a kind of reminder to fallacies and a vague apprehension. But as a rule of law, I am supposed to be doing great and I am doing great.

Things are actually getting rough with the setting of the sun. I am begining to like sunshine more and the setting of night is crippling me. Though there is hardly any sunshine during the day time too, but the presense of people around me and lots of chit-chatting is making things brighter.

Yesterday night I was thinking deeply about loosing my material possessions. I thought what or how I will be feeling if I loose my wallet, the house's kepy, or the related kinds. I felt it will barely hit me. Though I may well regret the loss but it won't effect me much. Then I thought how I would be feeling if my beloves ones loose anything. This was definitely a little unexplicable and I could exact how it would make me feel. I surely have a lot to do here. I can't allow things that come to my mind to go undefined.

At the college I am trying my best to keep my eyesight as close to me as I can keep it. I am preferring more rationality but I hope I am not mistaken in anyway. One of my friends is now a days a constant teaser but I don't mind any of my friends doing that. I do not know if it is really effecting me or not - I don't want to know it. I feel myself as damn too sensitive already!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Every normal human is expected to think else he has no right to live

I did almost the same thing today as I did yesterday - slept after coming home. But the difference was that it was a disturbed sleep and I could continously feel my heart beating faster.

The day at the college was fine; should have been great actually considering that way I am supposed to be. Started with the first lab of the year and I was happy that I liked it. The fans started working today - thanx to my classmates.

Yesterday and even today - I do not understand what is happening. I wonder if I am a fool being this way. I know no matter how things are I always have the option to be happy but this time its not working. Perhaps I need more austerity but I was preferring calling all this as mood swings. I am tired of them too. I don't think it is the mood that is swinging but something else that is between the two minds I have. I am hardly able to look into the eyes of the people I am talking to.

Today I got an ink bottle - I want to relive the art of calligraphy I had learnt 7 years back. It was taught to me by my sister and ever since then I am stagnating myself. Though I have done some practice sometimes but I didn't learn anything more that what I had previously. I think I will get something on the internet that will teach me some more scripts. I also have to update my other blogs - just not getting the right motivation. If I had somehting like a storage drive attached to my brain, I could have saved everything I think all through the day. I will produce volumes everyday!

I made a short visit to a fast food corner today with my friends. We had been going to that place for the past few months but this visit was after a long gap. We hope to visit that place frequently now!

I had started writing a letter few weeks back, so many times I have prompted myself to g that thing done but I already feel nostalgic whenever I sit in front of the computer screen.

Today hile I was out to get some snacks in the evening, while on the road, I felt something new inside me saying I need to work hard now - just for myself. I know I have felt these kind of short-lived persuations by my heart. I somehow need to get going smoothly now as I used to when I was in my first year of my engineering.

I watched the television today - it was necessary. I couldn't understand how easily people decide that it is alright to kill innocent humans. I was supposed to be moved my the scenes shown but it looked as if I am used to it and no spilling of human blood can purturb me. For once I thought "what has happened to me?". It was just the result of watching television all these years, it has made me indifferent to violence to some extent. I understand this is not good.

Every human who is normal but can't think has no right to live in this world. He has no right to be left alive especially when he has turned out to be a murderer. I do not care what religion these people belong to but all that I know is that they won't be getting any mercy from my Lord for whta they are doing. Sometimes I think twice before evening killing a mosquito that is biting me, and these damned heartless numbskulls kill human beings.

Monday, July 10, 2006

All is not fine with me today

I have no complaints, no regrets, no hidden lies - that is the biggest problem. I am not even able ask God for something because when I do that, I do it with half fear; the other half hoping that something very opposite of the prayer happens and that my prayer never comes true - there is no integrity in that 'wish' of mine - a wish to forget some past.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Tough times on the road ahead ... pulse rate higher now

Again there seems to be some problem with Blogger. I was not able to post anything today. I can’t even see the homepage getting started. I hope they do something about this. I am writing this post in MS – Word and try to post it using the software I have that helps me do it directly without requiring to open it’s website. If that doesn’t work then I will post it on msn spaces. The place where this is being read will speak what has happened.

I came home late in the evening from after visiting my relatives. Had a good time there but 2 of my cousins are not perfectly fine. It’s usually tough for children to adjust to a new weather after coming from another country.

I woke up after afternoon today and spent a few lousy hours after that. Then sat for a few hours in front of the computer, did nothing much except for a haircut in the evening just before leaving for outside.

My cousin brother who is doing his Medicine in Kyrgyzstan is here in India after a year. Had some online chats with him. It was really heartening to hear that he has scored 87% in his 2nd year there and that has given him the 7th rank in his university. May be will meet tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow is going to be the first day of my college after this long vacation. I am really looking forward for a good year ahead. This is a crucial period for me and I have no reason why I should be wasting any time now. I can definitely make some big talks but I will try some humility – I have a tough time ahead.

Saturday, July 8, 2006

One of my friends was at home today. Had lengthy chats with him on several things. Actually I got another sheep today who could be fed with my preachy little talks. I told him several things about the books i have read, tried to find out what he thinks about me and also what interests him. We were together till 1:15 am. :D

Ealier today when I was with my grandfather I was watching him and my aunt arrange his monthly medicines. He has a whooping 18 tablets to eat every day. It was a tedious task organising all the medicines. My aunt did most of the work.

In the morning I had my breakfast when I was expected to hav my lunch. But Ihad many snackes early morning. I had my lunch very late and dinner at 11 pm with my friend. Dad forced us to that.

My cousin has come out with a new idea - now we both will be organising a blog that will hav all the news about our relatives. This thing really got me excited, though I haven't posted anything myself. I will do that shortly. I am sure this will definitely attract the eyes of all our relatives worldwide.

I have one more day to go for my colleges start. I dont know why but all is not fine with me. I suppose I need to get out of some complex feelings and try to take things more subjectively.

Friday, July 7, 2006

Hidden truths give the smell of lies

I was trying to find out what had made me put that list of 5 topics on Flowing Emotions. I had done it out of a thought that putting myself under pressure would make me yield something. Yesterday when I wrote about dreams, I had a terrible head ache. I wanted to stop but I was under pressure from myself! Everybody says people sometimes do better when they are forced, if 'Dreams' was nice, then they are correct.

I may not write on the last topic on the list - 'My 19 Years'. I will someday write somehing else I have in my mind which will resemble what this name suggests. I will sure write on 'The Art of Confessing'. But presently I am confused with some points. I have read things on confessions which have prompted me to think moreon it but after that prompting started, I read few more things at someother place which has got me into a conflict. Not getting big on talk I would just like to say that I will write it when I feel I am fit to explain if it is really an art of foolishness.

Today I asked my dentist sister about the wisdom that is growing in my upper jaw on the left side. She said people usually get is in their 21-30 years of age. She even said some people get it a little earlier too - 2 years in my case.

I have been feeling this teeth coming out with my tongue for past several weeks. At first i was just a hard swelling in the corner. Then a sharp bony thing came out. I then realised that it was a real teeth. It grew for several weeks. It was just half of the actual size of any jaw. The 3 weeks back I felt another very small swelling just near the previous one. Now the other part of the same teeth is out and perhaps in a few more weeks to come I will have the complete thing when I feel for it with my tongue. I wonder why I am among those 'some people' who get wisdom teeth early - 2 years early in my case!

Today, after many days, I had all my 3 meals at correct stipulated times. My break fast was at 9:30 am, lunch at 3 pm and dinner at 10 pm. I had a chicken rool as lunch, I didn't feel like eating the same food I had in the morning. I eat only rice, I don't like what others eat - 'roti' - especially the one that is cooked at home.

Thinking about the things I don't eat, there is a huge list of that, my mother is always with her complains. I don't eat curds, I don't like milk and paneer, I hat cabbage and colliflower, I always insist I am never forced to eat brinjal. I eat all leafy vegetables, tomato, potato, ladies finger, and ... one or two things here and there whose names are unknown to me in english. I am a little conscious about the curries that have 'masala' in them - they have poppy seeds and they induce a little sleep. I like everything from restaurants :D ... of course not the things I have mentioned above.

Untill I had a good experience in my 8th standard, I never used to like having 'dal' in my plate. Then one day I went to an NCC (National Cadet Corps) camp. It was a 10 day camp and I came back home in 2 days! The food being served there was incompatible with my tongus and stomach. The rice was sticky with big grains and the 'dal' was a little thicker than water. There were some other vegetable too that didn't appel to my eyes and nose. I had meals there only twice in 2 days. My mother's colleague's son was with me, so my mother's colleague was there to meet her son. I was already falling ill (not exactly physically), I requested my sir who called my father and asked him if I can be allowed to leave. I was home in a couple of hours. I finally fell ill and was on bed for the next 6 days. There after I like the 'dal' that is cooked at home. I can eat all three times a day, 7 days a week without any complain.

When I was in a primary class (I don't remember which exactly), my mother once forced me to eat curds. The immidiate reaction was a womitting. I never dared to taste it again till date. I eat all dishes that have cooked curd in it but not anything that tastes like curd. My brother says I am 'typical', 'diffirent' and 'mad'. Sometimes I do like being called this way, but sometimes I wish I knew why he says that.

Yesterday night was terrible for me. After doing all that I do before sleeping, I finally lay down on my bed. The next hour I spent the most tensed momments of my life in last one year. I got a call from my grandmother. She said that my grandfather is not well - he wanted to go the bathroom, couldn't go, felt giddiness ... Till that time my mother was beside me and I handed the telephone set to her. She heard the complete thing getting terrified. I think she was about to cry. She called my other aunt who lives in the near-old-city area. Presently we don't have our car with us, my aunt who has come from abroad is using it. So, it was my aunt who had to come to take my grandfather to the hospital. The telephone rang again, tis time it was my other aunt who lives with my grandparents who was apeeking. She said "somehting has happened to father, please come here soon." My parents left immidiately. My mom was almost in tears. I kept waiting sitting with the telephone,spending tensed moments. When my aunt said "'something' has happened" she didn't realise what this 'something' precisely means. I waited for 15 minutes for my parents to reach there. Then I dialed my father's cell no.. I had my heart in my throat. I didn't want to call any landline no. for my mother to receive and tell me things in haste and fear. I thought my father was the best person to tell me what had happened. When I head his voice, the way he greeted me to the talk, I was with every relief Icould have had at that moment. His voice told me that nothing was as serious as it seemed. He then said that my grandfather had just found is blood pressure very low so he felt giddiness. Then my mother spoke telling me the same thing with a voice that sounded relaxed but still had fear in it. They were back hom after an hour. My other aunt arrived there and left within few minutes of knowing that everything was fine.

That 'something' was the actual evil. Whenever I write for my blogs or any letters I avoid using that word. Even if I use it I do it in such a way that the other sentenses around it define what exactly it means. It is the veil that corrupts tha mind not what lies behind it!!! So it better not to gess the hidden truths - every hidden truth gives the smell of lies.

(I have not reviewed what all I have written today so spelling and gramatical mistakes are expected, but no mistakes in ideas!)

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Once in a while

Today I completed the writing of the 3rd article I had written on that list of five. This time really had to made my head ache as I didn' knew clearly what I must be writing. I have quite different way of looking at dreams - both kinds. I read mnay things on teh internet but nothing could help me with what I wanted. I took quite a few lines from some notes I had written long back from the book 'The Dream is Everything' by Peter Cox. But finally I am done and I feel fine about it.

I spent a lot of time on the internet today. Slept a lot too. I am still sufering from cold and the medicine I take gives me a lot of sleep. There was a lot of music too. I think I should reduce it but once in a while it so happens that I go for some extra number of songs! :D

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Smell of the 'Pour Femme'

Presently my clothes smell of ladies' perfume. A few hours back my cousine drenched my back with some body sprays that were meant for girls. We had a great time playing around for a couple of hours. They were here for dinner and probably their first proper meeting with someboday since their arrival yesterday morning.

Today I was at my grandparents' house where I played cricket after a long time (at that place). It was good being back with old friends but I didn't appreciate their company today. Most of them have changed and I didn't like the change. I am sorry to say but I would never like to be called their friend.

My maternal aunt and grandmother, both hav been struck by that viral infection that has spread all through Hyderabad. I have taken the preventive medicines but it's only God who can protect me from anything and everything. After several months, actually after the whole summer, I saw mosquitoes at my house for the first time. I immediately had the machines switched on. But I have seen these mosquitoes have grown quite stubborn - they don't fly away when I shoo them, they wait for life threatening attacks on them. Probably they have been through some motivation lectures!

I finally got the book I was looking for - 'Personality Plus'. I will stop 'Emotional Intelligence' and start with this right away.

Today I got an e-mail from my aunt, who lives in Germany, in response to my yesterday's post on this blog. I thanked her for the kind. This is the text of the mail -

Dont be afraid to dream for out of such fragile things comes MIRACLES.

As a human being every person will have a big dream or big vision in their life .and we cannot say that people who are successful only have big vision and people who are deprived of comforts in their life have small vision because it always happen that people who dont have back support will only dream of making a decent living .take for example when you are hungry ........i mean hungry to the extent of starvation ,what is that you dream of ????having a continental dish in an exotic restaurant be cause it is your desire or anything which you can afford and easily available and now when you opt for an option no 2 ,it will be wrong to declare that you are scattered in making a decent living because that is the need of the hour and you can opt the first option only when that food is not a necessity.
I strongly postulate that one should have a big perspective in their life other way a wide vision .the pass key for our vision to turn in to reality is not just to dream ,forget your dream and wait for a chance to knock your door ,and later declare that your dream came true , rather it is to work on your vision and working on your vision is not an easy task when you are alien .the expedient requisitions what you require in this process are you should have a strong commitment toward ALLAHA what we call it as tawakal ,always being humble and hardwork .
A person of substance should try to draw inspiration from your own self .....that is your emotional energy .it will help you to enjoy every moment of your accomplishments .in future when we look back of how we traverse the scratch it will give you an immense joy of being a selfmade person who could make dreams turn in to reality and learnt things in life with experience encountered.
Any person can claim that he dreamt of something which he didnot remember and one fine day that dream came true but how that dream came true matters a lot becasuse life is not a fairy tale.


I really value every person who teaches me something. It includes every friend of mine. It can be interesting to note that I find each of my friends having at least on thing I should learn from them - though I can't exact what that particular thing with the individuals. I find all my friends to be better than me and I am glad to have them with me. This applies to some of my realtives too. My aunt who has writtent his letter, my cousin sister who lives in Texas, my cousin sister who lives in Gulbarga, my Father, and many more of them.

One of my cousin sisters is getting married on 4th of August. I am looking forward for that day to come. The basic reason is that I will get to meet my sister from Gulbargah who would be here in Hyderabad!

Yesterday night, actually morning 12:50 am, I decided to to watch the soccer match between Germany and Italy. I watched the match till its 105th minute. I was sorry to find the match very dry and I slept. The next day, today, I came to know about 2 things - Italy won in the very final minutes scoring twice and, the team I was thinking as Germany turned out to be Italy. I had no idea about the colors of their jersey. Silly me!

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Isolation is not good

When I couldn't sleep yesterday night I didn't know I was going to sleep for 5 continous hours during the day time. The day today went past my eyes in a whicker and I am stillwondering if everything in my life will move away even without me having a notice on it. I had a heavy dinner today and I suppose I need to do this everytime I have a meal. My weight is on the fall and I must take of it before it takes me out.

I met my aunt, uncle and cousines today after a year. Later we dropped them totheir appartment for them to have some rest. They had not slept for more than 24 hours. We shall meet again once they have their house right and up.

As I have once mentioned, I had a detailed talk with my uncle, my father's elder brother, on Saturday. He narrated me an experience of his own which I would like to put here. I am giving it as the words spoken by him, though not exactly. I won't further explain what this teaches to me considering the incidence itself to be self-explanatory -

"When I was in my 10th standard I had dreamt of having a car for myself in the future. I wanted a red car with white interiors and a kind that makes people turn and have a look at."

"I used to narrate my dream with my friends. A few of them were from villages and they were her for their studies. They would praise my dream and even ridicule it. May they made more fun of it behind my back. But there was one guy who got serious and told me that he would be the one who would design my dream car. This way our dreams were shared and joined. But hte future had soemthing else for us in store."

"After completing my education I went to France. I was ther for a few months and started working in a company in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. I had a friend to whom I asked to have a look out on American cars available in Riyadh that are being sold second-hand. He yeled at me stating that American cars in Saudi Arabia are a rarity and their cost of maintenance would be a good slice of my monthly salary. These were the days when there were only Japaneese cars in Saudi. I still insisted him for an American model."

"One day he called me once. He said his company has an American model which will has t be sold. I was being used only once in a year when a few American dignitaries come to Riyadh and it was useless during the other time of the year. So, the company has decided to sell it away."

"That day I took a friend with me to have a look at the car. This particular has a fair good knowledge about cars. When we saw the car in its garage, it was covered in a thick sheet of dust. My friend checked the car thoroughly and declared that it can me a good buy. He said the broad radial wheels were very old and we can replacethem after a run of a few kilometers. The engine was perfect. I immidiately paid the cash and brought the car home in the condition."

"I still had to get it cleaned but before that I took a few drives in it with my brother living in Riyadh. Then I gave it for wash. I waited as the car went inside the automated washing system. I waited there for long watch for several other cars coming out from its exit. I even saw a beautiful red car coming out of it. I was still waiting for mine to come."

"After a good amount of time a worker handled me the keys showing me a beautiful car standing in front of me. I thought it was someone else's. But as I realised after a few seconds, I was overwhelmed tofind that it was the same car I had purchased a few hours back."

"It was red in color and has wonderful white interiors. I had forgotten my decade old dream but this marvel standing in front of me reminded me of that dream. All of my friends were scattered with their small visions of making a decent living, but here, I was standing in amazement as I looked at the mchine of my dreams."

"I could drive the car and the speedometer showed 210 kmph. It was a lovely piece of engineering and always caught all eyes on the road as I passed by. All this in a rich country like Saudi Arabia."

I am glad to have an uncle like this. I need not look outside to find inspiration, it is right in my family - a person with whom I share a similar blood.

For several days I have been thinking of an article on dreams. I think I now have the right motivation to get ahead with it.

Today in the evening I was feeling a bit sleepy again. lay on the divan in the living room and was trying for a short nap. The experience was incredible: I would begin to fall asleep - a fraction of a second would seem as something from a different world, something very different, filled with nothing, blankness, and I was awaken by some sound around me. It was like I was floating on something very light for those fractions of time - the time between really getting into sleep and being awake. This usually happens when ther is a ot of disturbance around us or if we are filled with some sort of tension. The reason today for me I suppose was later!

I am thinking of finishing a letter today before sleep - the one I had started a month back. I do not know what I am going to do with it. But I am sure I will try to keep it a confidential one - incredulously.

A few more pages of 'Emotional Intelligence' taught me a few more things today. The book a really informative and the information can well be used to know ourselves better.

Monday, July 3, 2006

Today I spent 'some' time on the internet - finally! I didn't do anything much today, not even stressed myself for anything substantial. I gave a wash to the car and took a short drive but that didn't satisfy my longing to drive a car.

Today I even downloaded a few songs sent to me by my cousin some days back. They were lying in my inbox and I have them now on my computer's hard drive.

Sunday, July 2, 2006

When you close your eyes you can see what you want to see

I am just back from a reception party. I had attended the marriage on Thursday. It was the marriage of my second cousin whom I never met. Precisely she also happens to be the dughter of my father's friend who by coincidence became a relative 21 years back. It was on Thursday that I took 'The Da Vinci Code' from my cousin. I had asked him to get the book for me from somewhere and he took it from his friend's sister. So, I had to return the book in a very short time. My memory was telling me that the reception was on Saturday so I gave full commitment to the book and finished it in a very short time. Later I recollected that I could have delayed the finish by another day. But I was happy I could do it so fast. Yesterday night I even packed up with the other book I was reading - 'Becoming A Person Of Influence'.

Next I wanted to read 'Nothing Lasts Forever' by Sydney Sheldon. But the first page I saw in that book was its last page - the epilog. My eyes fell on the sentence - "... Mallory was imprisoned for life...". I was sure I had destoyed all the pssible suspense. I won't read that book now. I started 'Emotional Intelligence'. It is a research work on human psychology and emotions. It is a good book.

I was searching for 'Personality Plus'. Today I had detailed discussions with my uncle at the party on people skills and he shared with me his life experiences - I shall write about them shortly. I enjoyed talking to him and he told me that he will give me 'Personality Plus' shortly.

The last few days I was totally cut off from the world around me. I just had the Holy Grail running in me! I enjoyed the book. I didn;t know I could finishe 489 pages in a little more than 2 days. It was Saturday on which I cou;ldn't continue the book in the morning, I had to wait till 3 pm, I was at a relative's house.

Int he last few days I passed by manythings in my mind but unfortunately I couldn't record them anywhere. I didn't update my blogs and so I missed writing my thoughts. I really felt bad that I had to skip few days of updates.

And by the way I had seen my 2nd year's 2nd semister's results. I got 71.58%. I was happpy seeing that I had passed in a subject I thought would let me down. In fact I got 20 marks more than the passing number. But still I h wished a better % ... I am very happy though. No regrets for what has passed. I have my ;life open in front of me.

Tuesday early morning an aunt of mine is coming to India. She is my father's younger sister and she lives in Mecca. I am desperately waiting to meet her and her family. Its always a month filled with lots of happiness when they are here. Meeting them itself gives me a lot of pleasure. My cousin sister who is 6 years of age has a good rapport with me. I remember last year when I would sit with her and helped her read her story books. She is really a fast learner and she reads words and sentenses which usually the children of her age are not expected to. She is amazing so are her other brothers and sister. My uncle is a fabulous human being.

On Saturday when I was at my grandparents' house reading the novel my cousins were continously with me in the drawing room where I wanted some silence. Once 2 of thm came to me fighting with eachother. One of them asked "am I the height that reaches your shoulder?" He reaches below my elbow when I stand. I was busy and I said "no". Both of them continued their fighting and went away. Then it was the less-than-4-years one. He was continuously playing on the sofa and I seldon paid any attention to him. Every few minutes he would sit on my legs, play with my hair, kiss me and run away. I was deep into the book - I had to return it shortly then!

My cold is still bugging me. I have completed my short course of antibiotics. Though my throat is fine, my nose isn't.

I am currently having a frenc beard. Every who meets me says that I look many years older than I am. I am not paying any attention to this comment but this is just a short time in which I thought of having this style. I have reduced the density of the hair today using the scissors and by the time my colleges start, it will be no more - most probably.

Saturday, July 1, 2006

At 11:15 pm today, Saturday, I finished my date with 'The Da Vinci Code' which I had started at 12 midnight on Thursday - between Thursday and Friday. It was a continous rendezvous with the exceptions of deliberate breaks for prayers, meals, sleep, trips to nearby stores, trips to bathroom and a visit to my gransparents' residence. It was deviod of any disturbances through the telephone, the internet and any personal contacts with any outsiders.