Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Fear of night and sleep... Allahuakbar

Today while in the 2nd class of the morning session I was studying maths. It was a class of Design and Analysis of Algorithms and our Professor lecturer is lenient enough to let us do what we want. He even pays no attention to the proxy attendance many students call out for their friends. I finally started studying for CAT - the quantitative section; I had already started english - and I was doing algebra today.

Yesterday night I went to sleep around 1:20 am - morning to be precise. I thought I would get sleep easily. I had a terrible night. I couldn't sleep at least till 4 am. It was completely disturbed with many silly dreams waking me up every few minutes. I was feeling some kind of fear within me and I wished there was sunlight around. I didn't wan to be on my bed in the darkness. I thought of waking up my parents but had no good reason to tell them. I was praying continuously and hoped that I fall asleep.

I was very sleepy all through the day. I jumped into the bed immediately after coming home. But now, as the time for me to go to sleep is nearing, I sense some kind of fear again. I wish I don't have to sleep. I am ready to bear the head ache I have and keep myself awake. I helpless now. I even wish I had somebody beside me, with me, to talk to me continuously and make me feel that I am not alone.

Tomorrow I have a test in the afternoon class. I sat down to study and was with the text book for more than 30 minutes. I red some definitions and nothing else. I will go through the rest in the college itself - if possible. Friday morning my aunt is leaving for Mecca and tomorrow afternoon I had to go to her house and help her with a few things. I don't know if I will be writing the test. If I am not writing, I will take the lecturer's permission.

Yesterday I tried writing a poem. I thought I could pen one with ease but didn't get anything right. I wrote around 6 to 8 lines and deleted everything. I felt they were very immature as poetic lines and very idiotic conceptually. I need to rush up a little on the fundamentals of poetry. I once searched for some material on the internet but didn't read anything. I will do it in my next favorable leisure.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


I got another testimonial for me. Something good was written about me again. I liked it. But I know I shouldn't get excited with anything nice I hear about me. I have a long way to go! For many things!

Today morning after waking up around 10 am I started typing the post for this blog. But even before I could finish it the connection got broke and I had to post it in the evening. So, I am here, again, to write about today!

I had initially planned to go to my uncle's house. Even my mother went there. I had decided to leave around 1 pm. But by the time I could actually get ready was 2 pm and till then my mother was back. I was wanting to get a few softwares from my uncle using a USB drive. But my brother was using it so there was no chance for me. I gave a thought to not going out and I removed my shoes and slept for 2 hours.

In the evening I studied for sometime and was back to my computer. I posted the update which I had saved in the morning and had chats with a few friends and cousins. I even cleaned my computer a little - deleted many useless files, uninstalled some software I was not using, ran the disk clean up wizard and performed a disk defragment. I did all this in the afternoon itself before getting ready!

There is a lot of talk going on at home about the beard I have presently. My parents and my brother have started to tease me now. Even my relatives have asked me if I was going to keep it. I have a simple answer. I will shave it till Friday. I have no particular reason for shaving it before this particular day, and there is no reason necessary to be written here why I didn't shave it for so long! But somehow I like my face when I look into the mirror. Nobody has commented in a positive way till now. Friday!

I was browsing the internet when I came across a blog .I found the article there interesting and good, and thought that it would be nice that I share it here on my blog. This was the lone article on that blog and I do not know who the author is.


"Top Ten Qualities of Men and Women

There are many articles available today about what is the perfect attributes to have in order for a man or a woman to adore you or be attracted to you. The following is our Top Ten List of qualities or attributes that if you or your partner have will guarantee you to have a healthy, balanced relationship as well as being an attractive person both inside and out.

1)BALANCED: Balanced can mean many things, for the purposes of our article, we mean that you or your partner has a good sense of boundaries, that that you and your partner are a whole person and have a healthy lifestyle.

More specifically, you or your partner knows how to maintain their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of their partner. They understand the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

It is important that you or your partner considers themself already a whole person, that you or your partner doesn’t need someone to fill themselves up or complete them in order to be a complete person. They need to have the belief system that a partner is there to enhance and support their natural, authentic expression, but is not needed to complete who they are.

A healthy balance in their lifestyle is also important such as not working themselves too much, drinking or eating too much or doing anything in excess.

2)CONFIDENT: You or your partner are self-confident and have high self esteem. You are confident that you can handle new things, even if you have never done it before or if you may not get it right the first time around. You or your partner has an internal point of reference; you do not need to have reassurance and complements from others to be confident. At the same time you are confident enough to accept compliments or criticism, and are not afraid to give compliments to other people.

3) INDEPENDENT You can be a functional person without relying on another person and you are not codependent.

Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. These dysfunctional patterns are socially learned patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting which result in dependency on other people, places, organizations, things and events to create approval, appreciation, self worth and love to achieve a sense of safety, self esteem, purpose and identity.

4)RELATIONSHIP MASTERY SKILLS: You or your partner knows how to relate in a relationship. You or your partner know important skills like communication skills, conflict resolution and negotiation techniques.

5)EMOTIONAL OPENNESS: You and your partner are able to be emotionally open and honest, being able to express your opinions and be comfortable enough to allow and support your partner’s emotional openness as well.

6)EMPATHETIC: You or your partner need to be able to empathize with the emotions, point of view and experiences of your partner, to be able to get right into their heads and feelings without judgment or trying to fix their situation.

7)UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: You and your partner need to understand the concept of unconditional love, to be able to love you partner whether you agree with their beliefs, emotions, feelings or behaviors. To be able to transcend the conditional love paradigm, even if you are not getting what you want at the given time.

8)ON DHARMIC PATH: A person who is on their dharmic path is someone who is in bliss for a great deal of their day. What a wonderful inspiration to be with someone who is on path.

9)NON-RESISTANT TO CHANGE: You or your partner is someone who is not in resistance to change, or at the very least understands when they are in resistance to change and allows themselves to go through the stages of adapting to change without resisting the process. You or your partner would need to understand and accept that change is a natural part of life.

10)SENSE OF HUMOUR: When the going gets tough, the tough start laughing. Do you ever find that when you make light of a difficult situation is a lot easier to get through? Well, having a partner who can make light of a situation (of course while still empathizing with your situation) is much easier on you than a partner who freaks out whenever something happens. Laughter brings gentle strength and renews your focus so you can be open to new ways of dealing with the situation.

Compatibility and knowing what are your wants, needs and requirements are all vital to finding your highest and best relationship. The list above, although depending upon your level of consciousness may seem a little out of reach. However, regardless of your personality and what you are seeking in a partner and what your partner is seeking in you, the list above are fail safe attributes that are universal to everyone that are within everyone’s reach and will guarantee a healthy relationship that sets the stage for both stability and expansion."


Now a days my parents are hooked to a channel, Peace TV. Alhamdulillah they have reduced the viewing of silly television programs they used to watch. Peace TV is owned by IRF, an organization headed by Dr. Zakir Naik. Islamic Research Foundation mostly concentrates on comparative religion and also on Dawah work. In this channel they telecast programs in which various Muslim scholars speak. Apart from Dr. Zakir Naik, there are scholars from many parts of the world including US and far east. The channel is wonderful and precise.

Though I am not watching it regularly, the sound from the TV is always heard even when I am in the living room in front of my computer. Sometimes I do sit with my father and watch; dinner is accompanied by some TV. The talks of Dr. Zakir Naik are getting so into me that today while I was sleeping I saw a dream where I was sitting in one of his shows. I hear his voice everywhere whenever I am in the drawing room where the TV is kept!

Sunday and Monday

Sunday morning I woke up at 8:15 am after sleeping around 3 am. I rushed for the class at CL. I was a little late to enter the class but still not the last one to enter. We had a class for Data Interpretation. It was interesting and went on up to 11:45 am. After reaching home I ate something and crashed out. In the evening we went to my uncle's house.

Yesterday we were supposed to have tests in both of the 2 morning classes - ALC and OOSD. I had prepared for neither of the two - very much like a few of my friends; I am not justifying! I decided not to attend the first period - ALC. I woke up a little late but had to spend a little more time at the bus stand and so by the time I reached the college it was already 11 am. The 2nd class starts at 10:50.

I messaged a friend who was inside the class asking him if I could enter. I waited for the reply for 10 minutes. I received nothing. I left the place with a few of my classmates who have bunked that class and we sat in the ground watching some people play cricket. Later around 11:30 am I received a message that it is too late and I can't enter the class now. My message had reached him 20 minutes late. I even came to know that the lecturer allowed some students to enter even at 11 am. I could have well got in if my message had reached my friend the moment I sent him.

In the afternoon I had OOSD lab where along with a batch mate I had to create some model for the project we are doing. Here in this lab we are using Rational Rose as our UML. The project we are doing is just limited to paperwork and some basic modeling on the software. We are not really going to implement what we are modeling. Our diagrams for the topic we have taken was too complicated but still we are going ahead with it.

I reached home at 5:45 pm. After magrib I sat with my computer. Around 1 am in I finally finished making the blog for which I have been working for the last 3 days. It was finally ready and I was satisfied. There were things I wanted to include but couldn't due to some problems with HTML codes and also my lack of knowledge on a few concepts. I somehow managed.

There were a few very small things I did which that made me feel glad of myself. The one that gave the most happiness was the way I edited the banner of an existing template. I took me a couple of hours to search and decide the template I was going to use. But this one had only one image on the right corner of its banner and the rest of it was plain in color. I liked the template in general so I wanted to use it anyways.

I searched the code to see if I could find the banner code. I was just going through the lines when I incidentally came across the precise sentence of code. It was the link to the servers of where the photograph of the banner was saved. I immediately downloaded it.

I already have the setup files of some photo editing softwares including photoshop, photoimpact and one by cannon. I installed 2 of them and tried with this picture of the banner. I tried to see if I could overlap 2 pictures and make them one. I couldn’t. I didn’t spend time on this. I know there must be a way for this.

After a lot of experimenting I could finally make the banner to my satisfaction. Then I uploaded this onto my account in googlepages. I took its link from there, opened the template code again and placed the path address into the same place from where I had taken the link of the banner. I replaced the existing with the new one I had made. I was glad to see the changes taking place the way I wanted them to.

I slept around 3 am and woke up at after 10. I had tea and now I am hungry – I need to have breakfast. My parents have left out for some work. They have a holiday today – even I – the reason being that today is the 10th of Moharram – the day on which this world was created. My mother is fasting.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Friday and Saturday

Thursday night - morning actually - by the time I slept it was almost 4 am. I had to wake up at 10 am and I left for my grandmother's house. There I helped my aunt do some packing of her luggage which she would be taking with her t Mecca on the coming Friday. Then I sat with my uncle's computer. I fixed the CD writer and the RAM and we formatted his hard-drive. I came back home around 8:30 pm.

Today morning I was reminded of filling up a slam book given to me by a friend. I had very little time but I did it and started from home for the college at 8:45 am. Interestingly I reached the college at 9:15. It took me just 30 minutes where as sometimes even a complete hour becomes less. The lecturers were perhaps in a good mood today! There were 2 classes and it apparently looked to me as if they passed away very fast.

I left my my uncle's house again. A friend dropped me there. I had my lunch, spent some time on the computer browsing through the hundreds of new softwares my uncle has brought from his office, slept for an hour, had the afternoon tea and left for CL at 5:15 pm. I was there well before time. We had an English Usage class and we studied Deductions and Logical Reasoning. It was interesting.

My friend at CL didn't come today so I had to take a bus back home. He has a bike and usually drops me when he is there. I reached home a little after 9:15 pm. My parents told me that 2 of my cousin sisters were going to come to meet us at 10 pm.

They came and spent around 30 minutes here. They wanted to meet us ever since they heard about my grandfather's demise. They called before and now they visited. We usually meet at parties and marriage functions. The last time they were here was around a year back. They are busy with their families and kids. Both of them have cute babies now! My elder cousin brother brought them here.

Today a friend wrote a testimonial for me on my Orkut profile. Thanks to my friend for that but I really don't know if I am worth that much or not. Perhaps a fault or two I have in me would have made it a little exciting. But now I search for a word that would describe a feeling I have presently. The feeling of lowering my head as a social gesture to thank. :D

Since yesterday evening I have browsing and going through a lot of websites that provide graphic images and animations for blogs and websites. Today I searched websites offering templates for blogs. I found some nice ones but I am not happy. The new version of beta is turning out to be a blockade - many codes don't work in blogger beta!

Today I did a lot of thinking on a few particular things while traveling in the buses - I had around 2 to 3 hours in them. I felt nice about a few things and bad about the same things! Everything was about one basic idea - it has been troubling me more almost 2 years now. I prayed to Allah so much but never were my prayers on this precisely on what I wanted. Some times I was even shy to ask Allah for that. And when I asked I was guilty. He knows what is good for me and what good is right for me. He has been very kind to me always. I thank Him with tears.

Around 3 pm today I told my uncle that it was exactly one week back that around this time my grandfather expired. 7 days have passed and I guess I have learnt a little by now how to live with the feeling of not having him in my life. The process is still on.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

An exit from one place is an entry to some other place

There wasn't much that happened today except for the long hours I spent on the internet after coming home. I even took a nap before that. I saw many videos on, browsed through many pics through google images and listened to 2-3 songs. Before listening to them I asked my mother if I could, she said its fine if I feel like but asked me to keep the volume. Like always I had the earphones ready. I didn't listen much though.

I had Computer Networks lab in the morning from 10 am. I sat alone on the system given to me and typed continuously from my friends book. I copied around 8 programs from there. The rest of the time I wasted experimenting. The afternoon class was left 45 minutes early. I was with friends till 3:40 pm in the college and 4:10 in the bus.

I even had chats with almost 10 people today. Some conversations were long and some were very short. One of them is still on - more than 3 hours passed till now. I thought of sleeping without updating but felt that writing a few lines shouldn't take much time.

Tomorrow I will be going to my grandmother's house. I even have to return my uncle's CD writer and we will be arranging some furniture there. I even have to fix a few things in his computer. He brought some extra RAM and a hard-drive. His monitor too has some problem and someday later we will take it to CTC in Secunderabad.

Today a friend of mine left early. When another called him he said he has a bad mood and he wants to go somewhere far away. He said he has a free bus pass and he can go anywhere. He seems to be exactly opposite of what I do. I prefer staying with my friends and talking to them as much as possible. They always make me feel good.

Today's title appeared as a quote in some newspaper some days back. I liked it and wanted to use it. Today I saw somebody having it on his orkut profile. And so, it is here on my blog - I was reminded.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I need time to move on

Today afternoon I didn't feel like attending the Computer graphics lab and so, I asked a friend if he could stay with me and spend sometime in the college without attending any class. He agreed. But he said it openly too that I wanted others to be there. My other friends were also not so interested in attending the classes and we were together till almost 4:30 pm. A few left before. I was happy being there with everybody around. I wanted some time.

Yesterday late in the evening I got a cell phone activated. It was gifted to my by my uncle and I was afraid that my parents wouldn't let me use it. I didn't even had to ask for it and I my number with me.

Several years back when cell phones in India were new, my uncle - father's elder brother - purchased one. Then and even now whenever somebody calls him, he receives the call by having the first word said by him as his name. He hardly looks as the phone number of the calling person. He simply says his name and then proceeds with the conversation. Even level.since I saw him doing this, I had decided that I would be emulating him.

But now that this style has been viewed my several people in the movie 'Don', I guess I will have to abjure this idea of doing it like my uncle. It's disheartening to me that a movie of Shah Rukh Khan is stopping me from doing it. I won't be doing it as I don't want anybody to say that I am imitating Don. I just wanted to be like my uncle - walking tall, professional and independent.

My grandfather used to fill water in a glass and keep it in his room so that he will not have to make frequent trips to the other room where water is kept. On Saturday too he might have done the same thing. On Sunday when my aunt and I were moving some furniture in his room we found the glass in a shelf. It was full, filled with water, and covered with a plastic cover. That Saturday my grandfather didn't know that he was not going to drink it.

There was a table in a corner of his room on which he had some books, his medicines, shaving kit in a corner, some boxes having scissors, a set of magnets for magneto therapy, his toothbrush and paste and a few other things. There was a box that stacked biscuits for him. He ate them a few times everyday at fixed timings. The box i still there with the biscuits. He is not going to eat them. The same is the case with a box that has some dry fruits in it. He had to eat them to maintain his cholesterol level. There is a bottle of honey too. It's full.

On Saturday I reached his house at 3:20 pm. Unlike every time I go there, I didn't go to his room to greet him. Even he calls out my name and asks me how I am and if I was coming from my college. That day he didn't. I was very hungry and I told the same thing to one of my two aunts there. At 3:30 pm my mother arrived from her office. I told my aunt that it was after many years mother was coming early on a Saturday. Allah sent her early with a purpose.

My aunt asked me if I can skip the class at CL that evening. She wanted me to o some packing as she was scheduled to leave for Mecca on 26th. I told her that I would do it the next day - Sunday. I said that it is important that I attend the class. I didn't know I was not going to attend.

The moment my mother entered the room she started shouting. On her way home she received around 10 calls from her office asking for some file which was in one of the several cabinets in her room. She had to instruct people to search for that file and she was thinking that she might have to go back should the file be not found. She was almost crying saying that life for her was so unfair. Then finally the file was locate and she was relieved. But in those 30 minutes she said a lot of rubbish. She didn't know that her father was lying dead in the room just next to where she was standing.

While she was shouting on the phone and even at herself, for a second I thought about my grandfather. He always becomes a part of all conversation that takes place in the home. He also greets my mother and always waits for her to come on Saturdays. There was no sound from her but I thought he was sleeping. I didn't strike me that he never slept this way. He always used to get disturbed very easily.

Around 4 pm, like daily, my grandmother went to his room with a cup of milk. She tried to wake him up. He didn't respond. She shouted to call my aunt. She went and shook him and shouted several times. We were there already. My grandfather was cold by now and he looked a little blue. I couldn't believe it.

My mother, grandmother and aunts started crying. Hearing this our neighbor came. There was a doctor too. She checked my grandfather's wrists. She was already negative when she asked us to take him to hospital. I ran out to get an rickshaw. He never ran that way on a street before. By the time I reached home the neighbor had already put a sheet of cloth on my grandfather's face. I shouted and told that we should take him to the hospital. Somebody said that it was all over. I still wanted to take him to the hospital. I couldn't believe that he could leave us this way. I had not even met him. I had to talk to him like I do every Saturday. My mother had to meet him. that day he was taken to a doctor int he morning and we had to ask him how he was feeling now. The doctor had told him that he was a little better.

It took some time to understand what had happened. Just fine minutes back I was sitting in the other room waiting for my mother to finish her phone calls so that we could have our lunch. I was so hungry. I had not had my breakfast that morning. I had the first meal of the day around 10pm. My grandfather never took rest until he saw me eating food in the afternoons on Saturdays. He wasn't there to scold me this time. If he had know that because of him I was having my meal so late, he would have cried.

the last one month he spent his time in a very depressed state. He used to weep literally for simple things. He had lost all his sheen and might but still used to shout so much at ever small thing that was not in its place. That morning he had scolded the servant maid and had made her clean some blocked drains. He had taken a walk outside. He spoken for an hour with my aunts. My youngest aunt was leaving on 26th so he used to tell her that he would not be here when she would visit the country in 2008. He would cry.

He always said that my uncle shouldn't come when he dies. My uncle had initially told him that he would be arriving here on 20th. Some problem with his passport delayed his arrival. My grandfather left us on 20th. Uncle came on 22nd. We completed the funeral rights after the fajar of 21st. My grandfather had a smile on his face when I saw his body for the last time. It was just after the bath given to him.

I was asked be there when the bath was being given. My uncle asked me to get down in the grave and do the rituals. I was afraid to do either of the two things. I felt myself weak. Perhaps I should have done it. I remember the days when he used to take me out to buy me chocolates holding my small and weak hands. I was afraid now to hold him and help him into his final place on the earth.

He left so much behind. So many things, so many memories. Every single things hurts me now. tears roll down simply without me having to think anything. It simply hurts and I can't define it. It is terrible. There seems to be no way out of this change I have to live with. I know many more of such things are ahead on my way to the grave.

My grandfather always wanted me to have a cell phone Now that I have it, he is not there to see. It looks so unfair. But it's all Allah's wish and I complain not even a bit. He is great.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

He can't leave me this way

I still didn't feel like writing but finally thought of putting a few lines. I went to the college today but left early - at 1 pm. I went to my grandmother's house. Yesterday morning my uncle - mother's brother - arrived here from Saudi Arabia. He wanted me to stay with him in the night but I had to go to the college and so, I didn't. Today I was with him in the afternoon and evening. He may not be going back to Saudi. He will stay with my grandmother.

I have several thoughts in my mind. I have seen and experienced so much in the last few days. I have learned so much and did things I never wanted to do and was afraid was. I want to put them all in words but I am confused if I should really do it. It's all about my grandfather. Right from the morning of Saturday till today evening.

Alhamdulillah things are better now. I have seen how it is human for us to find small happiness even when the atmosphere is filled with the air of sadness. It is like alternating between smiles and tears. I have seen tears roll down from my eyes even when I wasn't thinking anything about my grandfather. I didn't cry the way others did, but I need to break open and relieve myself. I am still shocked. Life won't be the same from now on.

Whenever I was at my grandparents' house I was used to having so many constraints on me. There were so many things I wasn't supposed to do without taking my grandfather's permission. Not just me but everybody else. Now there is nobody to stop. I felt guilt so many times moving things in my grandfather's room because nobody ever had the chance to move anything from it's place unless he had asked for it. He is no more there to stop anybody.

We have no authority above us now - the authority which we all loved; which I had felt and lived with for more than 20 years. The last day of the Islamic calender took him away from us. I still have a feeling that he is there, somewhere, in the house, with us, yet silent. He hasn't left. I need time to believe that.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

My maternal grandfather expired yesterday afternoon. I will be back in a couple of days.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Google, Computer Graphics and My Lunch Box

Flowing Emotions has been reviewed again by a kind visitor through

I found a few interesting things on the blogs of the person who gave the review ...

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"
Martin Luther King Jr.

"The proverbs, like the oaks, don’t cry, but compel. The ages whisper: “Whom we love best, to them we can say least” Thus the nature study makes clear why we are the eternal debtors of the ones we love the most."
By the blogger himself.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
-- Hermann Hesse (1877-1962), Poet

Yesterday evening I had a long talk with my father on religions and gods other religions follow. We discussed how Jesus (pbuh) never told that he is the son of God and never in the Bible is it written that there is anything like trinity. Then when we came to Hinduism, the misnomer of Vedantism, we pondered on how they have started worshiping humans and have called them as god. In fact I felt that these people do not know the meaning of the word 'God'.

There are some personalities who are being worshiped by Hindus and are termed as god. According to them these personalities could perform miracles and they were/are wise. My father said that the common goes for what he finds superior to him and starts doing what he is not supposed. I immediately asked my father who this common man is. He said he is the one who cannot think. My father is right - those who can't think remain common because they like being called common. That is their yardstick!

Today I woke up at 7:45 am. I had to do so many things that I realized I won't be able to make it to the college even by 9:30 am. So, I decided that I would be slow and reach the college well before the start of the second class - 10:50 am. I reached the college that 10:20 am. I was happy. Then as the time neared to 10:50 and then 11 am, I realized that the already there in the class was going to continue the class till 12:30 pm.

I could complain about myself but I went to the football ground, sat in a corner on the stairs and continued reading 'Magnet People'. At 12 pm I went to the library and read news paper till 12:25 pm. Later I had to tell all this to so many of my friends who asked me why I came to the college when there were no classes in the afternoon. I liked telling them. :D

After the prayers I left the college and reached home a little after 3 pm. I slept and woke up after 7:15 pm. I still don't feel nice that I slept for so long. I should have woken up early. When I get sleep and don't get the right motivation, it becomes really tough to get up. In the mornings is it easy for em to get up because it's fajar and also that I get to chat with any of my cousins online at that time. 2 reasons - I know it should just be the 1st one. InshAllah it will be, very soon.

Yesterday I spent sometime in searching the internet on what it has to tell about Muharram and the 10th of Muharram. Here is a short summary of what all interesting I found:

The month of Muharram is associated with many auspicious events in Islamic history. Allah is supposed to have created the heavens and the earth on this blessed day. On this day He gave His infinite blessings and bounties to many of His Prophets and delivered them from the clutches of their enemies. Allah created Hazrat Adam (pbuh) in this month and pardoned him of his mistake. Hazrat Noah's Ark landed successfully on Mount Judi during this time centuries ago. God is also said to have saved Hazrat Ibrahim from fire and rescued Hazrat Musa from the Pharaoh during the month of Muharram. The Sunni Muslims also fast during Muharram and on the tenth day as recommended by the Prophet Muhammad during his lifetime. (Source: Wikipedia and some websites found through Google search.)

Yesterday we had no class in the afternoon. We just had a lab (Computer Networks for my batch) in the morning. But at 3 pm I had to attend a seminar on Search Engines which was delivered by Mr. Hamza Hydri. He is a Ph.D, works in Italy, and does research on search engines and related technologies. He has been a part of many research papers and knows a great deal on many new technologies currently being developed for the world wide web. Most importantly, he was a student of my college and he graduated in 2002.

I found the seminar very interesting. There were many things I had read on google from some pages of google itself. But they were broken. I had a some knowhow of how google works, the personalized search engines and its servers that constantly scan the web for new pages and also the page ranking system. The seminar gave me an organized form of knowledge. While the talk was being given, at many times, I felt that I already know a few things. The seminar made the information complete. I enjoyed the 90 minutes I spent in the Seminar hall of my college yesterday.

Today around 12:45 pm in the college I took my lunch box out and started eating. I had 7 of my friends around me. I shared my box with 2 of them. All the time while I was eating I was in a dilemma if I should ask others if they would like to taste or if I should keep quiet. I thought it would be bad for me to offer my lunch box because there was only one spoon available and 3 people were already using it. But I also thought that food can be eaten even by using hands. I was confused. I did nothing except finishing the box and putting it inside my bag. I hope I decide something on this soon.

I am sure at least one of them have thought how possessive I am about my lunch box. The reason is different. Some times I don't ask anybody if they would like to share my box thinking that if that person doesn't want to have it, he would still do it thinking that I may feel bad if he refuses. I don't know what to do!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Is there a hole in my character?

Yesterday when I came out of the class at 12:30 pm for the lunch recess, I didn't know that I was not going to attend the Computer Graphics lab that was going to start at 1:20 pm. After having having my lunch one of my friend's told me that he was not feeling like attending it. Even I said the same thing. I called a cousin of mine and confirmed with him about meeting in the evening.

Two of my friends were leaving the college at 1:30 pm to watch the movie 'Guru'. Initially, I wasn't interested. But I thought it would be just fine if I take along with them, and at 2:15 pm were at a theatre, Venkanramana. We got the tickets with ease and the movie went on upto 5:15 pm.

The movie was worth watching. I somehow felt that the story was similar to that of 'The Fountainhead'. The role played by Abhishek Bachan was pretty close to a role that can be created by bringing together the two major characters of the novel - Howard Roark and Gail Waynand. Aishwariya Rai too was close Dominique Frankon in the way in which she supports 'Guru' all through his fight as a businessman. I didn't like th songs in the movie.

After the movie my friends dropped me at Koti and I went to see m cousin at Masab Tank. I didn't go till his house - called him out. He was ready waiting for me and in a few minutes we were at City Center. There at a shop named Max we spent around 20 minutes. I had to buy some gifts - for my father and 2 of my friends. I bought a flower vase for my father. It was his birthday on 12th of January.

We had a burger at McDonald's after that. We decided not to drink anything there and bought some cool drink bottle on our way to Panjagutta. We went to Archie's Gallery. I was searching for something I saw at Max. I thought Archie's would be having some more variety on that. But no success. There I decided that I would be going to Max again and buy what I have seen. I had seen this particular thing long way in the December and it was then itself that I had decided to gift it to a friend.

Our next stop was Cafe Coffee Day at Jubilee Hills. We stayed there for almost an hour. We had an apple flavored 'hukka' and Cafe Frappe! It was good to be there even though there was something not completely fine with the 'hukka'. But we enjoyed it. Then we came back again to City Center - Max, and I bought the gift. I was at home around 9:15 pm. My parents greeted me with their smiles and were glad to see me home 15 minutes before the time I had told them I would be coming - 9:30 pm.

After coming home I had chats with a few friends and cousins. By the time I went to sleep it was already 12:15 am. I wanted to sleep early - I was too tired. Today I woke up at 6 am. When I turned on the computer at 6: 20 am I found my sister online, finally. We had a short chat and now, I am here writing this post.

The 'hukka' was fine. This was my third meeting with this gentleman. And like the last 2 times, I had a little tough time with it for the first 20 to 30 minutes. The first few intakes hit my throat and head. I immediately started feeling giddy. I thought I would perhaps fall. I was also thinking how I would reach my home. Along with that I was having coffee. But slowly my lungs and blood got used to the smoke and I was enjoying the flavor and feeling of letting out this smoke from my mouth and nostrils. The first few minutes are always testing I thought!

Lately I have been thinking if my actions and behavior match with the character I have and intend to possess. If someday my parents have to introduce me to anybody, they would say "meet my son Zubair. He is doing his engineering from Muffakham Jah. He is in CSE and in the last semester he has scored 68% marks. His aggregate is around 72%. He has many friends and he roams around with them a lot. He frequents a lot to Sarvi, Ohri's, Coffee Day, Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonalds, HC, City Center and the similar kind of places. He smokes 'hukka' too. And he watches a lot of movies."

It would be a different thing that many of the places they refer are the ones I visit once only in months, the hukka I had was just the third time and I don't usually watch more than one movie per month. I have seen them already do this a few times but it was never in a sarcastic way or in a way in which it could insult me or at least present me as a person who is a freak. But I know that someday it can cost me several thing. I don't know what exactly I am but a good part of what my parents would be true.

Then to make things more serious I opened a new chapter in the book of my engineering yesterday. It was a class of Design and Analysis of Algorithms going on. An aged professor teaches us this subject and he hardly cares to who is listening. I was feeling sleepy so I moved back tot he second bench. I highlight the words 'second bench'. I listened to the class for sometime until I got excited to see people around me listening to music on their cell phones. Of course they had the ear phones.

I thought of giving it a try. Beside me was my friend who was listening to some music too. I took the right side ear phone from him and put it to my ears. I listened to 2 songs - none of them fully - a song form the movie 'Taal' and 'It's My life' by DJ Alban. It was just a matter of 10 minutes that I was sure everybody knew I was doing this. Later I came to know it made a good difference.

Now I wonder where I am going. I have been doing things I never thought I would ever do. I go to so many places, I listen to music in the class, I spend so much time with my friends ... the list goes on. This is not what I thought would be until a couple of years back. I have no regrets to anything I am doing except for the last thing I did - listened to music when the class was on.

I have perhaps flawed my character so many times by now. I have put in action things that contradict the behavior and the mind set I have - may be. I am not even sure if I can understand what is happening. Not is troubling me. I just don't want to loose anything I have build all these years in my heart and mind. I want to have a clean character and show it with my actions. If my actions show something else, the I am a hypocrite. It's a sin to be so.

I don't want to be like those who say somethings, do something else and believe in a completely new ideas. I want to be one. I intend to be so. I don't want anybody to say that my talk is 'big' or I am a fool thinking this way. May these things don't come to everybody's minds or may be they o. It makes a difference to me here. I don't want to have a loose character with holes in it. I don't know how others take these kind of things about themselves. Somewhere my integrity is being compromised.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Yesterday I was busy writing the post for Flowing Emotions. Though I started writing it after 11 pm, I didn't even consider updating this blog before that. Earlier I had been to my aunt's house and accompanied her to Abid's to shopping. She is leaving for Mecca on 26th of this month and will be back only in 2008. I hope not to be in Hyderabad when she comes here! InshAllah I won't be here because I will be in some other city doing MBA.

The college yesterday was till 12:30 pm. One of the lecturers didn't turn up to the college so we were left early. I even had to write an assignment in the college itself I knew nothing of which. The subject lecturer asked for it in the class itself and I said I would be giving it in the lunch break. Thanks to one of my friends who drew the diagram for me. I did the writing work.

Just a few minutes before I was about to start writing, a friend came up to me telling that he had a shocking news for me. I casually turned to another friend sitting beside me and told him that no news can be shocking to me unless ... I didn't finish the sentence but he understood what I was going to say. I was taken in a corner to be told about the 'shocking news'.

It was shocking. I couldn't believe it. It was like hell to me for the next 20 minutes. I was not able to write properly. But I was smiling all though. For once I thought everything was going to change forever. I was afraid of what would possibly come next. In those 20 minutes I thought about my next 20 years and what I would be doing in the next 2 hours. In some way I was happy too believing that finally something has arrived that would in some way put an end to many things.

Then may be this friend of mine saw something on my face which made him tell me the truth. He promised to me that he wasn't kidding now. I was relaxed. It was such a relief. The last 20 minutes had taken away my breath. I couldn't talk to him after that as he had some class to attend and he left. I left for my aunt's house.

On my way I had chicken biryaani and tea at a hotel in Mehdipatnam along with my friend. I just told him that I never had tea with a friend at a hotel before and we did it. But it wasn't like having tea in a Irani hotel. We took to the dining section.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Magnet People

Almost an hour back I asked somebody to pray. I said this after hearing several things I didn't liked and also after being asked to do something which I thought was not ethical and correct. I had to hear even more after I asked the person to pray. I kept myself silent all the time and listened to everything. I didn't listen actually - I heard. It was partial. In the end I said that it would have been much good and valuable if this time spent in telling me all this was invested in prayers.

All the while I was trying to read a book. Yesterday I treated myself with the final few pages of 'The Alchemist'. It had a wonderful finish. I expected the end to be something unexpected! And today I started with 'Magnet People' by Roger Fritz. I took it from my uncle a fortnight back. The book comes inside the bracket of self-help books but this one particularly deals with people who work and live in a business environment.

I don't like reading any book that points directly to the idea of personality development. I find these type of books as more naive written to make money. These books have things people like to read. The kind of books I like are have a sharper focus on aspects that clearly deal with generic topics. I read one 'The Dream is Everything' by Peter Cox. It was about fulfilling of dreams. I read 'Strategies of Success' by John C Maxwell. It was about how success can be achieved - of course by hardwork - and some extra things that are to be kept in mind. I read 'Magic of Thinking Big' by David J Schwartz and 'How to Become a Person of Influence' by Jim Dornan and John C Maxwell. The names of the books say everything.

None of the above are for personality development. But I also read 'I Can Win' by Shiv Khera. I agree it was a bit closer to the above class. But still it was different. If I look at my right to the shelf that shelves a book named 'Personality Development' by Rajiv K Mishra, I would tell myself I shouldn't come down to the level of reading a book like that. Also that Indian authors turn me off!

Yesterday I wanted to go to a cousin's house. I thought of going out for some shopping with him. But it time time didn't help me. I had to choose between parents and this. I was with my parents. As my mother had to go to her office, along with my father and brother I went to pick her up from there. Then we had a lunch at Sidhartha Hotel which is just next to her office. (i still wonder why so little number of people who that hotel. It has bee into existence for more than 20 years now I am sure.)

I thought we would be having something heavy and non-vegetarian there. But when my mother asked my father what he was interested in eating, he said 'Poori'! Instead of going to the chinese section, we entered the coffee shop. The waiter told us that there was no north Indian food available at that time of the day. I had a 'plain paper dosa' and followed it with a cup of coffee.

When we started from the restaurant, my brother asked "what next". My father replied "home". We went to the Industrial Exhibition. My mother already told that we won't be buying anything and will stay there not for a very long time. We ate quite a few things but I bought a coffee mug for myself. I didn't buy it; my parents paid the bill. My mother was more interested in the refrigerators and televisions. We have been looking at the same old pieces at home for the last 10 years!

We reached home at 8 pm. I was tired and did nothing much after that. But I finished the book I was reading and spent a lot of time on the internet. I slept at 2 am. And woke up at 11 am int he morning. In fact I woke up a lot earlier than that and just lay myself on the bed for a long time - thinking and contemplating.

I thought of doing the regular chores early and leaving for my cousin's place by 12 noon. I came to know that my aunt and uncle were coming (parents of my cousin who got married a few weeks back). They are still in Hyderabad and should be here till the end of this week before leaving to Gulbarga. Then by the end of this week my uncle will return to his job in Sakaaka, Saudi Arabia.

I saw the photo album of the photographs taken at the wedding function of my cousin sister. I was glad to see myself at so many places there with so many people. The I also copied the marriage videos onto my computer. I couldn't get the CD in which the photographs of the album (hard-copy) were written. My uncle said he will give it to me when we meet next. He saw all the pics I took during the ceremonies and took a copy of them with him. I also showed him the 'Ya Ali' video which my cousins had prepared in August. It was pleasing to my eyes to see that the video had been view more than 2500 times on Google Videos.

Since the start of evening I have been trying to think of some good topic to write on fr Flowing Emotions. I don't know if I will actually write before sleeping, but I have found the idea and also the content. I have to give it a form - in words!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

On Friday I was informed that I won't be having any class at CL on Saturday. There was some error. I called the center and confirmed that I have a class there and Sunday was a holiday. We had a reading comprehension class and there was a lot of reading work to do. I reached home at 9:15 pm.

On Friday night (morning!) I slept at 2 am and woke up only at 11 am and that was when a friend came to meet me. He was here till 1:40 pm. He brought with himself a webcam which we tried to install on my computer as it was giving some problem at his house. We also prepared a CD for him with some softwares and new songs I have.

I had planned a few things for Saturday and nothing went that way. Today I wanted to go a cousin's house but I haven't received any message from him saying that he is free. I know he will be but I need a confirmation. I have to make some purchases and I guess I will go out with him.

My mother has to go to her office today. Her bank works for all 7 days a week and she gets some supervision work on a Sunday once every 2 months. She says it's all time wast sitting there. She has asked us to come to take her from her office today so that we can have a lunch somewhere. She mentioned Sidhartha Hotel. It's a long time since I have been there. But I don't know if I will make it to the place - I might be with my cousin. Mother wants me to be there by 3pm.

Last Sunday my father wanted to take me to the construction site of a very big mansion his friend is getting constructed near MirAlam tank. It was my father who co-ordinated the architect and the engineer for the work. Even I wanted to visit the place given that something new is being done there. Some new materials and new technology is being implemented. But I couldn't go as I had to attend a friend's birthday. If nothing goes as planned today, I will ask my father if we can have that visit today.

Yesterday night when my mother announced the dinner, I didn't feel like eating. It was the homemade biryaani which my grandmother had prepared earlier that day. In general I don't really like homemade biryaani in comparison to the one that is available in the hotels. Though at some places I have liked the taste but still it looks a little different that the one form outside. So, yesterday night I didn't feel like eating it. I had already had a taste of it in the lunch when I visited my grandparents' house just before going to CL.

I had to fill my stomach and I was hungry. I asked my father if I could get something form outside to eat. My mother who was standing behind me objected saying that I should eat it. I told her why I didn't want to eat. But while I was saying all this, I prepared myself to cut my want for more and eat what was there at home. But my parents agreed. I ate a chicken roll. I also had the option of a burger. But I went of for a roll.

Today in the reading comprehension class at Career Launcher, among the several passages I had to read, 2 where about writing and writers. One was about authors who take up pseudo names. All the reasons why such a thing is done where explained and some example of famous writer was also mentioned. The other one was about George Orwell. They were very interesting. The other passages were about museums. There there was and excerpt from some novel. There were few more things to be done and the class went on upto 8:45 pm. We had to spend 15 minutes more than what was stipulated.

Lately my brother has developed interests in architecture. My father and I have once told him that it can be a very nice thing if he could study that subject and take architecture as a profession to become an architect. I once also told him I would have better taken up architecture and not computer sciences (I have no regrets taking computers. I just wanted to let him know how much I like architecture and I wanted to tell him that it has lots of substance in it).

My mother is not so particular about anything presently. She just wants him to do something from a good college. She gives my example. I feel good - but mostly bad - guilty. To study architecture my brother has to write PACET (I have come to know about this from a friend; thanks to him for the information). Presently my brother is preparing for EAMCET and AIEEE. I do not know what he is precisely going to do but I sincerely hope that he gets into a good college. Like me! But study not like me!

This coming week we will be having mock campus placements at my college. They will be conducted by the people from Career Launcher. I have no idea what we are going to do exactly but I am looking forward for it. But I am a bit hesitant too. I have no intention of taking up any job after my engineering. This thing can just help me learn something.

Perhaps in a day or two I will write something for Flowing Emotions. I know there are few more blogs I have that need to be updated. I am looking ahead to have something to write about.

Some days back I had the title of a post as "He will do one of two things". I took that line (stanza) from the song 'How to save a life' by The Fray. The continuation goes this way ...

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Then there was one 'Slaughter. Not hang'. It was for Saddam Hussein. According to me he should have been slaughtered so that it is in concord with the Islamic (shariyat) laws. Hanging was a wrong method adopted. Perhaps I can write something on this if I get something good to think on!

Even today's title and the last 2 ones have been taken from some songs. Yesterday's was from "Lips of an angel". The one before that was from "Savin' me". Today's too is from "Savin' me". Is it not funny?

Friday, January 12, 2007

I got to whisper as I can't be too loud

Today after fajar I went online for a little more than an hour. I logged into MSN messenger after a lot of time and found my cousin sister from Austin online. The last time I spoke to her was when she was in India in February 2006. We had a chat for about an hour in the morning. We renewed old things and recollected the days we had some years back.

When I was small I once asked her if she knew how to write poems. She said "yes". I was amazed that she could write and I also had told that it seems impossible to me to rhyme anything. Now, every time I write a poem I think about her. I told her about this. She told me that she remembers me whenever she does calligraphy.

It was she who taught me this art I cherish. She said she help her daughter with her school work and gets to do a lot of calligraphy. So, she said this way she remembers me every few days. I was flattered. She was closest to me in those days and she told me that I am always special for her. I didn't know how to respond. I smiled. I meant that smile - the smiley :) and also the one I had on my lips when I was keying those 2 characters.

My friend who celebrated his birthday on Sunday wanted to give a small treat to some friends he missed out. So, he took us out to have ice creams at Snowies. I had 'Chocolate Yummy' there. I reached home at 4:20 pm after that.

In the evening I was busy with my cousin sister who visited our house. My parents were not at home so I was talking to her. Then I turned on the computer and logged into yahoo messenger. My friend started a chat and told me that the result of the last semester were out and he added the word 'mubarak'. I was confused. I was surrounded by my niece and nephew and wasn't able to type anything. I took a break from them to learn that I scored 68.4%. I don't know how exactly I feel now. Perhaps ambivalent.

It was my father's birthday today. I wished him a little late - at 12:30 pm when I was in the college. In the evening we had a small party kind of thing and we got food from outside. I had tandoori chicken, butter chicken and biryaani. Then my parents went to my cousin's house to drop her back. Her husband is in Behrain and she is staying here alone with her children.

Today I was thinking about how different every family is. Right form the way they live, eat, dress and sleep. I tried to wonder how my niece and nephew feel about their other cousins who again are my niece and nephews. I tried to put myself in their place. I felt that I am better off with the cousins I have. I am happy with the sent of aunts and uncles I have. I am glad to be where I am now. I can't imagine taking any other person's shoes.

Though this can be a good thing for me, it's really not that good. Being this way means that I didn't learn how to adjust with different atmospheres. perhaps I don't like changes to happen with and around me. May be I am obsessed to the way things are now. This will meant hat it will hurt me a lot when things will no more be the way they are now. I am confused.

Yes ... I know. Today I am confused. I need to be either logged in or logged out of the commitment I am thinking of. I don't know what to do. It looks as if I won't get what I am asking for. Some people seem to be so far. I was wondering if there is some way that can let me know what is right - to stay determined or to give up. Sometimes even refusing to give up can be a mistake. I need to destroy somethings before they destroy me. I am attempting to destroy a hope. I try it even when I am reluctant to do so.

Most of my friends scored more than me. I am happy for them. I don't know if I am frank with what I am writing but I wished I never had to see my marks. Not because they would be less. Just because they would be more than what I deserve. I was supposed to fail in one subject. At a time when getting 30 in that subject (Microprocessor Systems and Interfacing) seemed impossible, I got 55. How do I give solace to my conscience? What face will I how to Allah? I feel so ashamed.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Prison gates won't open up for me

The day before yesterday I took 'The Alchemist' from a friend. I started reading it that day itself but did a major part today - in the morning after fajar and in the evening just sometime back. I am on the 94th page an I hope to finish the book by tomorrow. It's not a big book like 'The Fountainhead'. It's small, precise, objective and teaches many things and inspires.

Today I left the college at 1:30 pm. In the morning I spoke to my aunt and I told her that I would be calling her around 12:30 pm. I called her after coming out of the networks lab. She asked me to come over to her house. We were supposed to go and buy tickets. She is leaving for Mecca shortly. When I reached her house she told me that she has already confirmed the reservation on phone and it would be fine if we go to the office some other day and pay the money to have the tickets in hand.

She will be encashing (is this word right? I couldn't find it on google; but have heard many people using it!) some demand draft tomorrow and get the money. We will go to the office sometime next week.

My heart sank when I realized that I could have remained in the college and attended the class - there was no real need for me the bunk the ALC class that was supposed to start at 1:20 pm. I would have spent some time with my friends. It was all so pleasant today. I would have been there to look around to have my heart smile to itself thinking of the dreams I have and then later cherish them to the limit of saddening my soul! I slept after having my lunch. I was fine and I kept smiling all through my stay there till 6:15 pm.

In the morning I didn't sleep after fajar. I had a bucket full of clothes already soaked in detergent-water and I had to load them into the washing machine. Before that I had to give some rubbing to the collars and handcuffs of all the shirts to cleanse them from the dirt that had made me put them for washing. With the clothes in the machine, I was busy reading the novel. I even took a walk outside to buy tomatoes. I had to go the way to Tolichowki cross-road to make the purchase.

When I left home in the morning for college I was in a hurry. After sometime on the way I realized that I had forgotten to take my networks textbook with me and I recollected the lecturer's words that he won't be allowing anybody to sit in the lab if he/she is without that book. When he said that a few days back I thought to myself about the meaning of the word 'pedagogic'.

I knew the worst case in the lab would be that I will be asked to leave immediately. I also thought about the shirt and the watch I was wearing. My shirt was a bit shiny made of some synthetic material of which not everybody likes to have their shirts made. My watch was somewhat flashy - white dial, silver strap and golden linings.

I had my sleeves folded twice to give the watch a chance to appear in front of every person who took notice of me. My only purpose of folding the sleeves was to prevent them from hanging down my hands carelessly - they were a little lengthy. The size of the shirt was larger than what fits me.

All the while I was also worried that some witty person would think that I was considering the show off of that watch. I never meant that. I can't help sometimes when things show up this way by themselves. All I can do is forget of what is being shown! (Do I make sense here?)

When the lecturer came to know that I didn't bright my copy of that book, he scolded me. He asked me if I can ever forget wearing clothes. The second question was about the watch - if I can ever forget wearing a watch? I had no guts to answer. If I had, I would have asked if books were more important than clothes. I would have also said that I would have reached the college late if I had not worn the watch.

But I know he wasn't referring to clothes and watches in general. He was referring to those particular clothes and that particular watch I was wearing. They seemed ornate. Perhaps. He wears a 'sherwaani' to the college almost daily. Need I write directly that I felt insulted when he said that? No, I didn't feel insulted. I smiled at myself as I had expected this and also something much bad.

Things were too calm in the house. The silence was of the kind I don't like. Though everything seemed alright, it was trying not to be so. I am hanging on to the memories of all the pleasant past and also to the hopes of a clear tomorrow. We understand present better only when it becomes history.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

He will do one of two things

I didn't write an update yesterday thinking that there is nothing I have that I would like to put up here - for reasons including that I wanted I hide. But later I realized that I could have written some things! Never mind ... :D

I came from the reception party of Monday's wedding at 11:40 pm. Things got over a little today. We didn't meet many people. Just had the dinner, sat there for a while and left. The function was grand enough. I thought of sleeping the moment I came home but was reminded of this blog I have :)

Just sometime back I also realized that there was no coffee at home. It got over wen I had a cup in the morning. So I went out to get it from the near by medical store. It's so pleasant outside.

Yesterday after having my dinner I stayed online for sometime. Just after 12 midnight I felt like eating something It was not exact hunger I felt but I wanted to eat something. I saw some biscuits. I didn't feel like eating them. There were some slices. I opened the refrigerator. I saw a cup of curd and thought that it could have been so nice if I never had to hate it's taste. Then I thought of eating peanuts. I was reminded of the allergy and boils I suffered with when I ate peanuts about a month back.

I ate a banana and a tablet, Actifed Plus. The medicine was to prevent any cold hurting my throat when I would wake up today. I usually get a throat pain when I eat a banana just before sleeping in the night! So complex everywhere!

Yesterday I bunked the class after lunch break in the afternoon (of course afternoon!). I spent the time with my friends sitting behind the library. We had lots of jokes and some good time together. Sometimes I feel that I am being touchy whenever I write anything like "it was a good time spent" or "I felt great being there". But I mean it and I like everybody letting know what all I like. Perhaps I need to find some other way of expressing myself - a one that is straight enough to explain what I feel yet keep away from anything all that that may appear sentimental!

My cousin sister left India on Wednesday early morning. She will be in Decatur in a few hours I suppose. I will be waiting desperately to see her online. My other cousin brother who came here from Kyrgyzstan too left today morning at 11:20 am. He will reach there tomorrow. I met his brother and father today at the function. I will miss him too. Yesterday night we had a chat and we bid goodbye to each other emotionally. We shared some "sorries" for not being able to visit each other's houses anytime in the last few days.

Something happened Monday morning and I was feeling guilty about it. I even thought of taking a big step towards solving things - or perhaps worsening them. Yesterday night I was feeling like having a talk to somebody on this and discuss it out. Thankfully a friend came online and we had a chat. I got the right advice form the friend and I won't be doing anything now. Just pray :) for everybody. I can't forget what happened but I won't think about it - at least with my own will.

I expect some mistakes - typos and grammatical - in today's post. My ears were wired to earphones all through the writing time I had - 15 minutes I guess. I was continuously listening to "The Reason", "How to save a life" and "Savin' Me" :D

Monday, January 8, 2007

I know something you don't know

I have been finding it very difficult to go to the gym in the evenings. I am even planning to start preparing for CAT seriously now - it's already high time. Then I even like to spend time on the internet daily for some good time. Somehow I have to manage time. I am getting tired when I reach home after college. I am thinking of going to bed a little early - at least by 12 midnight and go to the gym in the mornings. I hope I am able to handle this. InshAllah I will.

Today after the college we 7 friends went to have 'chaat' at Keshav Reddy which is close to our college. It was nice being there. I reached home at 6:15 pm and since then I feel like taking a nap. But I have some work to do - I have been postponing the washing of the car and my father is getting restless with that (he is presenting a very sweet face whenever he mentions about that but he is sarcastic I know!) - so, will clean the car now. Then we have a wedding party to attend.

I have been lately thinking of how exciting it becomes when we have some secrets with us. And it becomes even more thrilling when we share a secret with a close friend. It feels as if we are superior - something like "see I know something you do not know ... I am above you"!

Sunday, January 7, 2007

The trick to being a bore is to say everything

Yesterday something held me back from writing for the blog. Perhaps I felt that there was nothing substantial to write. Though I was tired, I was up here, sitting in front of the computer chatting with 2 of my very good friends. I was too happy with that and I didn't care to take the satisfaction I usually obtain from updating this blog. Somehow, I am back here in words again!

Yesterday night I slept around 2:30 am. I woke up at 6 once, tried to sleep again, got out of bed at 8 m. I was at CL 5 minutes before the start of the class. It was a class of quantitative analysis and we did algebra in that. It was a class just to help all of us revise the fundamentals of the topic.

Yesterday I banged into the classroom at 6:50 pm. 20 minutes late. The moment I opened the door I saw a lot of students sitting there. I was thinking to myself "my batch's students never come in such large numbers". I just opened my mouth "may I come in sir?". From behind the student instructor asked "Which batch?". I was still at the door. The instructor from inside said "come in". I turned and replied "A3". She pointed towards the door of other room. I silently slid the door back and went into my classroom. We had a class for English Usage.

In that class we were asked to prepare a word list of some new words and weave them into some skit which too had to be designed by us. We all were just 7 people in the class ans we were split into 2 groups. I was in the one with 4 students. We didn't write the dialogs down unlike the other group. We prepared the word list and planned the scene. We thought we would somehow use the words spontaneously. We used less than half of them. We forgot the words while trying to be impulsive.

We were all laughs after we finished. We enjoyed. We even got to have some interaction with other students. I made a couple of friends. The class ended at 8:50 pm and I was there till even after 9 talking with my class mates. I got to know more people and socialize. My friend from my college wasn't there in the class so I had to take a bus back home. I reached home just a little before 10 pm. I was tired.

Today after the class I went to attend a lunch party. It was a friend's birthday. He first planned a lunch at Tadka, Ohris - road number 11. I was there with him on time. 12:30 pm with another friend. He was continuously in contact with our other friends and few of them told him that they can't come up. He felt bad I am sure. Because the number reduced, he thought of having some other place as the venue. We had ordered a bottle of water. He paid Rs. 50 for that! And we left for eat street.

There we had 8 people totally. 2 more turned up just on time. We had some heavy things and the cake too and I was home at 4:45 pm. I did a lot of walking too after the lunch with a friend. We crossed the Khairtabad flyover to reach the bus-stand. After coming home I slept.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Slaughter. Not Hang

Today I didn't attend even a single class. I had planned of bunking the lab in the morning and I did. I spent a very nice time in place of the networks lab that I had to attend. In the afternoon my friends pulled me out of the class and took me to watch 'Miami Vice'. I wanted to attend the class - my attendance is on a fall. The movie: I liked whatever part I understood!

After that I went to my grandparents' house. It was my aunt's wedding anniversary too and I wanted to meet them all. I had my lunch there even though I already had the lunch box in the college itself. I left for home at 6 pm.

My parents and brother were going out to make some purchases and were expected to come after 9 pm. But before that my mother's cousin called home asked if she could talk to my mother. I said that mother is not home and I will call her and make her get in contact as early as possible. I could hear her voice crying. I called my mother immediately and informed her about the call.

Some minutes my grandmother called me and told that my mother's aunt has expired. My parents didn't come home and rushed to their house immediately. The came here sometime back, had dinner an left again. My mother would be staying there in the night. We had to get dinner from outside.

Sometimes it becomes necessary that we have people we can share even the smallest thing we have pressed in our hearts. I have mentioned the importance of having such people in our lives already. And I say it again. I find myself as the luckiest (if at all there is something called as luck) person I know. Allah has blessed me with such people. I don't know how to thank Him for that. I do not know how to thank these people for that. I guess having tears in eyes while writing this is enough to show how much I mean it.

But I fear losing them. I fear that someday everybody will take their own ways and I will be alone. Who knows if I will find more of such kind of people in the future. All I can do is pray and also pray that these prayers are accepted!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Read it. Please

A few minutes back I finished adding names and title to the photographs I have posted a few days back on a blog. It took me more than 30 minutes to make the additions. There are 50 pics posted.

I came home a little before 5 pm today and took a nap. Before that I had the lunch I had taken to college. At 8:50 pm I went to the gym. I had to work out for my lats. It was tiring. I missed one exercise as the machine was too busy with other people.

It was a fine day today - no ups, no downs. Simple and lovely. I had some time with freinds but one of them was missing. He wasn't there to bug us! Tomorrow I will be having the college at 10 am and I am thinking of bunking the lab in the morning. But I will go to the college on regular time.

I had 'nahaari' today in dinner. It was cooked at my grandmother's place. We still have our 'things' in the freezer. Mother will cook them when she gets time. I had 'gaajar ka halwa' today again.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Too shy to ask, too proud to lose

Just some time my uncle, with whom my father works, came to meet us along with aunt. We already met them for Ied yesterday at their residence. We had a nice chat today. Even a few of my father's friends were here. A teacher from his school too paid a visit. After they all left, I felt that I got some news good enough to put on our family blog, and I did it.

Today I did go to the college. There was only one class in the morning which I wantedly skipped as I was late. There were no classes after that. Nice for those who didn't turn up today. Bad for those who did. So, we played cricket - we were 12 people. I got to bat, bowl and of course, field. I mention this because the last time played I only had to field.

While playing cricket I hurt myself. While fielding I closer to the fast moving ball to take a catch. The ball was too low and when I brought my hands in font of it, it hit me hard on the middle finger of my right hand. It was enough to hurt my nerve that my hand is now aching upto my shoulder. The pain is more at the finger, elbow and the top of my shoulder. I even couldn't lift any extra weight when I went to the gym today... :D

Yesterday my father asked me to get ready at 9 in the morning. I did. He asked me to drive the car. I did. He asked me to have the breakfast at a cousins house, when we went to meet him just after the prayers, without even meeting my mother first. I did. He asked me to cut ("Zubaa") the 2 sheep. I did. He asked me to sit with the butcher and supervise. I did. He asked me to have the lunch with him when we had some guests. I did. For all this I said a 'yes' and then agreed. In the evening he asked me to give a dusting the car. I showed a "ugh" face. I didn't say a 'yes'. But I did!!!

All this was just to show how much I don't like cleaning the car. It looks weired to me. Some months back I used to enjoy. But now it looks different. I dirties my clothes. As we park the car outside everybody stares at me while passing by. And further more, I feel that sometimes even my brother should do it.

Yesterday I had 4 different sweets when I went out to meet my relatives in the evening. Of course I know, many people might have had more! the first one 'Sheer Khorma' was a tome itself. It was not like what my mother prepares usually. She said that the 'pheni' was not nice.

The second was at my mother's aunt's house. It was 'Gaajar Ka Halwa'. The third was at my grandparents' house - 'Chaanwal Ki Kheer'. The fourth was at my uncle house (the one who visited my hose today). It was 'Khubbani Ka Meetha' along with custard on it. In between, at an aunt's (my father's elder sister) house, I had another dose of 'Gaaja Ka Halwa; but it was a little different from the previous one - I think it had some milk product in it. It was nice.

The night before yesterday's I slept at 3 am. I was uploading some pics taken during my sister's marriage functions on a blog. I first had to select some from around 250 pics. Then I had to edit them - also enhance them a little. Then came the uploading part. It was boring. After adding 50 pics on the blog, refused to work. My account was getting logged out. Then I learnt that I was exceeding some limit has already set. It is either that it won't allow anything more than 8 MB to exist on a single blog, or it doesn't allow more than 50 pics to on one blog. I still need to clarify.

The days are going fine. It's amazing how things work themselves out towards goodness. It's all Allah's wish. I am fine and happy.

Since Sunday I have been having a lot of chocolate! It was all Dairy Milk on Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday night and today it was some chocolates from Kyrgyzstan - full of nuts. Then today some Hershey's. The Kyrgyzstan are still there in the refrigerator!

I have already stopped reviewing my posts on this blog before publishing them. The browser I am using while writing, Mozilla Firefox, takes care of the spellings. I use IE 7 for other browsing and usage.