Friday, November 30, 2007

Tricked By My Own Heart

You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you've got something to say.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
Some years back when I was doing my intermediate studies I had a big debate with my parents in which I tried to explain them why I had no friends giving every quotable reason for it. I couldn't succeed and my father had said that I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't know what friendship was. I had not told him the chief reason for avoiding close friendships. I couldn't tell him how weak I am in staying away from people who are dear to me. I couldn't tell him that I was afraid of making friends because I was afraid of loosing them - loosing them in time, loosing them to others, loosing them to myself. Four years later, now, my fear has materialised and I don't know how I am going to bear it.

I had a particular group of friends in my engineeri's first year and it was all formal. They were my friends because they sat around the place I was sitting in the classroom, and being a student I had to keep formal friendship with my classmates. We all were simply friends with no big emotional attachments. When I started making some friends a little far away from my bench in the classroom, I remember somebody saying "you are no more with us these days". The next year I had a new set of friends.

We were still simply friends with the three guys being a bit closer to being called as good friends. Things kept happening. I never had thought before that I would ever talk to a girl in the college. Soon in third year we were a group of nine friends. I changed. I don't know about others because I didn't know them before. They were all good to me, gave me lots of respect, made me feel important and most precisely, I was getting emotionally attached to them. I had my fears but the warmth never made me realize what all this happiness could lead me to.

I kept friends with old people too. Three of my casual friends from intermediate times got more closer to me though we weren't meeting frequently. When one of them left for US, I got the first blow in friendship. Though I am in good contact with him, I never knew I would miss him. The other two too got more closer to me even when we hardly share anything in common. In the college, I became a part of two groups. I can't call the second one as a group precisely, but I had two different sets of friends. One of them became more than just a group to me. Today, as I write this, I am emotionally attached to each of the eight and it gives me creeps to imagine my time without them. I will surely have some tough times after I get done with my engineering. I will have to move on.

Among the several invaluable things they all did for me is a blog they made to wish me on my birthday. I have read the messages in it several times by now and the only thing I can say is that I am sorry, I might not be able to return to them the kind of friendship they gave to me, I might not be strong enough to be such a good friend in return, I am afraid of this bond we have built for it is transient and we won't be together some months from now. I am sorry I tried to become a good friend even when I had that fear in my heart. We can't make the time stop. We can't make friendships stop. But someday we have to move on. The fear would be no more then. Because it would have by then done the damage.

Yesterday we all went for a lunch at a restaurant in Jubilee Hills. We had a wonderful time there. The gifts, the flowers, the presence of each of my friends, the presence of the friendship, the smiles, laughs, giggles, and mischief - it was all mesmerising. The fear too was still there and it didn't cease to exist for a single moment. I couldn't even move away from any of them telling that I can't take it when time moves up apart. I am sure they all are stronger than me. Mental strength is something I couldn't teach myself till now.

I went to meet my aunt today in Malakpet. Even my grandmother is there these days and it was long since I had been there. I sat talking to my cousin for long about our engineering syllabi and campus placements. She is in second year and already worried about the later thing. I spent about three hours there and returned home just in time to receive two of my friends here. Now I am sitting here reminiscing not able to understand what I must do next keeping in mind about what has to be done - as a plain objective.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I Don't Feel It

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
-Robert Benchley
I tried to search within me if there was something new after I turned 21. It was all same. I wasn't feeling any different. Surely a number can't differ with my feelings. Numbers don't define maturity either. They just give more permissions! This time I already had them. Somethings just got legalized.

I had the most sleepy of all my days today. I slept after 3:30 am yesterday and I keeps sleeping from time to time till today evening. I hardly did anything apart from spending some time with a friend who came home. And I am feeling sleepy again now.

A cousin for mine who had started a blog more than a year back but didn't continue writing has started another one. This time he looks promising with an Internet connection at his home in Mecca. He is 13 but 'works' like 16. I remember a friend telling me that these days we find generation gaps for just four years' differences in age.

Monday, November 26, 2007


Never hate your enemies. It clouds your judgement.
-Michael Corleone, The Godfather
Like how I did several times in the past, I opened the 'create' page and signed out without writing a single word. I had words but no feeling of having the need to type them. I thought I could sleep a bit early but I went to bed after 3 am. I am afraid I am getting used to this schedule. I have to correct myself soon. Yesterday a friend who came to my house met with an accident and it was for the first time I saw such physical pain with blood. He got badly hurt on his fingers and we just hope that he finds enough strength in his fingers to write the last exam tomorrow.

It's environmental studies for tomorrow. We won't find any marks of this subjected being included in the aggregate percentage but scoring 40% is compulsory. I have been through some questions and though I can get away with it even without opening the book again, I will spend some more time. Not that I have opened my book till now, a friend read those answers to us and it was sufficient. I was at the college today with three more friends.

I spoke to so many people today - mostly on phone and it was nice to hear some voices. Talking to my aunt from Mecca especially was soothing. I had been wanting to talk to her but was missing the chance always. She called me first in th evening, the line wasn't clear. She kept calling but we couldn't talk. I called back and the line wasn't clear again. We spoke finally when she called sometime back.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

And This Will All Just Be A Dream

Mother. Tonight I decide.
- Achilles to Thetis

I have always thought of the idea of my father dropping me to my college thinking how warm it would be to have him at a place that has taught me some very important things for my life. It could have made me feel so fortunate if I could walk with him showing all the places in the college I have memories attached to. He dropped me to the college in November 18th but he couldn't come inside - the authorities weren't allowing anybody but students to come inside the campus. I left from outside. I had asked him to drop me there that day and he had agreed.

I still don't know how I did the test. CL says I would score 58 and also shows a small list of worthy colleges I can apply for. IMS speaks of the same score but presents a brighter list of colleges. TIME gives some motivation to apply for these colleges telling me that I will have 63 as my score. 58 or 63, my percentile would be between 73 and 81. No talks of how I am feeling and neither will I write about these numbers. They might end up meaning nothing. I neither feel pain nor feel like calling the nothingness as pain. The test looked like a mock to me.

I was playing with a friend sometime back using the coloring application which is a part of yahoo messengers. I was glad to see even Pidgin supporting it. The pictures I have posted are some of what we did. There are some more but I don't want to get into any controversies! We ridiculed on some people and made fun of them drawing colors out of excitement. It was fun with attempts to include irony in it. We both made proportional contributions to all these pictures and all of them have more than one meaning.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dear Grandfather

Dear Nana,

I have seen you several times since you left us. But I couldn't touch you; neither could talk to you at my will. They were dreams and they were of the kind that would never come true. Hardly a day passes by when I don't think of you before sleeping. Though things are the same as they used to be, they don't give the same feeling with you not around.

I frequently think about that hospital ward inside the most critical place there where I came to meet you after you had a major heart attack in 2005. You had asked me to pray for you and hearing that was a very painful thing for me. You knew that your heart was very less on functionality and the doctors had given up. You had asked me to pray for your life. And I went home and cried because I loved you and I couldn't imagine my life without your presence.

Now you are gone Nana and I don't understand what it is that troubles me every moment I go to your house or sit down to pray. I remember you holding my small fingers and taking me to the nearby shop to buy me candy. How can I forget those car-shaped chocolates you used to give me and my cousins usually on Saturdays when we met? I haven't eaten them since the time you were asked not to go out for walks - nobody gave them to me and I never bought them. Nana those chocolates are still sold in some shops. When I see them I only hope that someday when I go to your house, you would ask me to take them from the fridge and share it with my brother. I have taken several chocolates from the fridge since then given to me by Ammi, but I miss those 'cars'. You loved me more than your son and daughters.

I remember holding your hands when I met you in the last Ied. I didn't know I was holding them for the last time in my life. On that Saturday when you lay lifeless, I wanted to touch you but had no courage. I want to touch you and hold your hands again Nana. Please come back.

I know I was a very troublesome grandson not obeying you too frequently. I used to love making fun of you so many times. I never listened to you when you asked me not to play outside. I always shouted while playing with my cousins and never heeded when you asked for peace. I countered everything you said about life. I disobeyed you when you asked me not to stay outside late-night. I know Nana I have sinned and I could never give you the happiness of having a considerate grandson around. Please forgive me if you can. I loved you and I will always love you.

You come back Nana - I will show you how I am no more the kind of person I was a year back. I will agree to everything you say and I will obey all you ask me for. I will never disturb you while you go to sleep, I will never play outside and make noise, and I will always take every advice you give me considering them the words of a man who has seen everything life could offer. Give me once single chance to live with you again Nana and I will be the best grandson the world has ever seen. And this time when you come back, I will spend more time sitting with you and when you go to sleep, I will stay in your room praying and begging Allah that you wake up this time.

That day, Nana, when you didn't wake from your sleep, I was with my friends in the college. There was nothing important I was doing there - just gossiping. I wish I had come to your house at least an hour early and I could have met you. By the time I was there, you had already left us. Forgive us Nana; we realized about your departure a lot later when Ammi tried to wake you up to serve tea. She shouted; Mamma, Aunty, Khalamma - they all ran to your room and tried to wake you up. I ran out to get some help. I remember that Nana, I was running on the street like crazy to find an auto-rickshaw. When I returned, the doctor who lives beside your house had explained everybody at home that you have become cold and there was no life in what lay of yours in your bed.

You couldn't have endured seeing how everybody cried. I stood at the door staring at our neighbor who carefully tied a cloth around your face and pulled a white sheet all over your body. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to ask him not to do this with my grandfather. I couldn't speak and he finished making you body a divine object of peace. I stood there still feeling myself lifeless, hearing everybody crying, hoping that life returns to you. But you were gone and now as I sit to write you this letter, all I feel is immense pain in my heart and tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't know why I am writing this.

Nana, you might never get to read this letter but many people will read it and they will know that I loved you even when I couldn't be a good grandson. And Nana, this letter will be read long after even I am no more. Everybody will read it Nana, but you. Can't you at least give me one chance to let you know how much I love you? Can you please let me tell thank you a million times and allow me to ask your forgiveness? Please Nana, I can't keep the guilt any longer with me. I need to tell you all this.

If you come back Nana, you will never have any problem with the water supply in your locality. They have installed new pipelines and Mamu has got the sump repaired and this one doesn't leak. There is plenty of water and none of my cousins waste it. Aunty had postponed her departure from Hyderabad by a week then and now she is in Mecca. She was not well a few weeks back but Alhamdulillah she is fine now. Her younger son has started going to school and when he speaks to Ammi on phone, he asks her to come to his house there. He has forgotten you Nana, but I give you my word, the next time he comes here, I will tell him everything about you and also how you loved and cared for him.

Mamu has left Aramco for-good and he is staying with Ammi. He is doing a job here and is always busy. I had not spent much time with him before but now when I see him now, he is all you. His way of talking resembles you, the way he walks, his height - he is indeed you son Nana and he was alone in Abquaiq when he heard about your demise. I still remember his crying voice when I spoke to him on phone that day.

I can never forget that day Nana. When I reached you home, I was hungry and was about to sit for lunch. I ate sometime only in the night when was forced. I wanted to eat nothing because I was used to hearing you ask me to have my lunch when I came to meet you on Saturdays. You were not there to ask me for that. Nana you didn't even ask me if I had gone to college that day and if I had any classes to attend that evening. Nana I didn't hear your considerate voice that day asking how I was. Please Nana I long to hear that. And trust me this time I will reply with all smiles and stay with you all the time. I will have my meal only when you ask me to and I won't shout back.

Pappa and Uncle were arranging for your funeral to be done with Zuhar prayers. I asked them and insisted that it should be done before that - in Fajar. I couldn't bear seeing you that way Nana. I couldn't even participate in the last right where your body was being washed. I knew I couldn't stand that and I stayed in the other room. I wished I had heeded to Uncle when he called me.

Even though it was early morning Nana, many people came to your funeral. Almost the whole of our neighborhood was there and Nana those guys you always used to hate were the people who did all the rights to help bring you down gently below the ground level, rest you there, seal your body and cover it completely. They are very good people Nana and they did what your grandson should have done. Your grandson is a looser Nana and he is weak. I am sorry; I couldn't be the last person to touch you.

That night one of your friends came to pay his regards. I was the one who took him inside and rolled up a little that cloth that was covering you. He stood there for a few seconds and I could see pain and grief all over him. I understood how it could feel to loose a friend. Nana while I was pulling that cloth back on your face, it rubbed your untrimmed beard and produced a scratch noise. I am sorry if I hurt you with that Nana. It was a mistake and I couldn't forgive myself for that till now.

So many people came that day Nana - even the sons and daughters of your long lost relatives. Your elder brother came the next day from Warangal. That was a bitter part. He was crying Nana. He was crying for he had come to pay respects on his younger brother's death. Everybody cried that day Nana but me. I have been crying every few days ever since then. I love you Nana and I couldn't cry that day because it was too big a thing for me to believe in. I never thought I had to live my life without you.

I have seen many things after that Nana. I got selected for a job in Infosys, started driving regularly and wrote CAT. Nana I didn't do well in CAT and I have failed many expectations. I wish I could tell you all this Nana. I am sure you would have felt a lot of happiness when you heard about you grandson getting a job. And I know Nana you would have grieved over his defeats and losses. But I give you my word now Nana, I will give in everything to become a successful person and I would do everything to keep my parents happy. I will remember all the things on life you have said and I will follow them with care. And Nana, I will always hope to meet you some day.

In a few days I will be 21 and I will miss your blessings that day. I have my exams going on now and I sometimes hope that you call me and ask me how I was doing them and wish me good luck. I miss the care you used to show me whenever I was sick. You used to ask me about my health so frequently Nana that I used to get irritated. You were considerate beyond comprehension and I never respected that. Nobody asks for me so much now Nana and I sometimes feel lonely. Mamma and Pappa take good care of me but you are missing.

There is so much I have to tell you Nana but they don't come out now. I will write to you again soon. And this time, I will do my best to tell you things that would make you happy. Once again Nana, I miss you a lot and I long to meet you again. I pray for you so frequently and hope that sometime in the hereafter we get to talk. I will take the replies to my letters from you then.

See you soon Nana. Khuda hafiz.


P.S.: I have done some cleaning of your room and trashed several old things and some magazines. It took a lot to heart to do that Nana. There are several valuable artifacts lying safely in the cupboards and even the collections of stones and photographs. I will keep them safely until I meet my day.

Friday, November 16, 2007

“Look guys, if you're just going to stare at me, I'm going to bed!”

But it made me think about death. I don't feel I'll live a long life. That's why I have to get what I can from every day.
- Elvis Presley
I can still do something very easy like joining Infosys when I finish my engineering next year. I can start earning immediately and have a good chance of staying with my parents for longer. I can enjoy the rest of my days in the college and even get to keep around Rs. 20,000 I have taken from my mother for admission processes for MBA. My parents would be happy with this and nobody would complain. I will become independent and do what I want and when I want. I will be in control of my life.

The difficult thing is to become a slave of my dreams. I will have to work a lot more - do my best in CAT, try to do better in XAT and IBSAT and work even more to get the admission. That won't be the end of it - I will have to spend two years doing hard work like I have never done before. And stay away from my parents. This will even delay money reaching me. And I won't be able to relax in the months to come. I will miss everything I have enjoyed these 21 years.

The rewards might constitute a heavier pay check when I finally get a job, more respect and most importantly the fulfillment of all the dreams I have seen. I will become a slave of my dreams. I will have to make sacrifices. Stay alone and away from my parents and not meet them for months together. The biggest sacrifice would be the ease I would be running away from on a chase for something that could bring a lot of criticism for me if I succeed. I will have to face negativity and loneliness.

Everything has a price attached to it. I don't know why my parents keep talking about me getting married. They enjoy it and confuse me. It confuses me because it looks attractive and easy and simple. I will get respect even this way. I am just 21 - a bit less than that in fact - and my parents look excited already. They just make me think. And I enjoy thinking about it. That's the problem with me right now. It's a feeling I must contain and look for delayed gratification. But why?

I had this thought when I wrote the last post here. That even made me put up that quote from the movie 'Troy'. I don't compare myself to any character from it and neither am I interested in making my name immortal. I just want to be happy, lave and be loved. And right now I feel like pouring all my heart here the way a drunk would do in front of his closest friend. It would be such a big relief only if I could do it and nobody questioned. I wouldn't mind being laughed at - I laugh at myself more than anybody. I know every boy or a girl of my age has these things, or rather plans, in mind and many fantasies attached to them. I don't have any fantasies though - I have stopped enjoying them long back - but the things that could easily be turned into reality seem far from real if I choose to continue with my studies. And I am going to go ahead for my dreams. I don't dream wild; I dream hard. I never work hard.

I remember my father telling a few times "you need to have children and lots of money when you are young", and I agree with him. I guess I would still be young at 24! And this is not immature thinking. Staying away from my parents is my biggest worry now; it's not much with CAT. There isn't much I can do about it - I can only write it and pray for the best - for its only Allah who decides. I don't want to be a celebrity or a famous personality - I just want to be called as the best person by the people who know me. This, I don't know, is realistic or not. As a bottom line, I have to live for what I have dreamt and see it come true not as a miracle but as a blessing from Allah which gives satisfaction to me and a feeling of deserved achievement. Some things still attract me.

I have not written this post to come to any conclusions or make resolutions. I wanted to be analytical and critical of this dilemma and confusion I am facing and for which I know, it is just a transient feeling. I have never found anything in my life as boring. I have enjoyed every bit of it and have seen how it feels to be so blessed. Its not even that I am living in a fast lane - I know what's happening and where I am leading myself to. Some earlier defeats come as a reminiscence but retrospecting and learning from them makes me feel stronger. I couldn't have experienced them at a better time and I couldn't have salvaged any better. I want to be loved, not envied.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Big Tobacco

If you stay in Larissa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they'll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be lost... If you go to Troy, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your victories for thousands of years! And the world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come back... for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again.
- Thetis to Achilles, Troy

Yesterday I lay myself on the bed till 1:30 pm with troublesome thoughts that I had to study for an exam to be written on the following day. The day before that my cousin had explained me that my intestines were swollen and had become very soft that they can't handle if I ate hard or fibrous food. I had to keep myself on a diet of soft and non-spicy food. On 7th when I felt the first signs of illness I took a medicine by myself hoping to regain in a day at most. The next day I had even watched a movie with friends with still some discomfort in my belly. Things became worse on Saturday when I finally told my parents about the problem. By then I had changed the medicines once already. Then my mother made another change. On Sunday my cousin prescribed the medicine which finally worked.

I didn't know it would take so many days out of my schedule. I was not able to concentrate on anything for long and not able to sit with the same posture continuously. I had my mother and father constantly enquiring how I was feeling and asking me for everything they wanted me to do. They were worried. I was worried. I had my exam and I had to drive to that far away place. Then I have my CAT on 18th and I was making no progress for that. And the moment I told about my illness to my parents, I began to feel sick. Until then I was confident and doing well.

My cousin had an off from his hospital's duty on Sunday. He said because of Diwali there were fewer number of patients under him. There were 16 of them he said, and just before Sunday two expired. So, he relatively had less work and he could move out. He is also working on a thesis report in which he is experimenting on the cement used to fill bones when they grow weak. The cement presently being used reacts with the bones in some patients and has side-effects. There is a medicine which is injected separately to cure this side-effect. In his experiment, my cousin is mixing this medicine with the cement itself while introducing it into the bone and he has tested this process positively on some patients already.

Presently there's a presence of a terrible taste on my tongue and it aggravates whenever I eat something or air passes into my mouth. My cousin told me that it is due to the existence of some ring structure in the chemical used to prepare the medicines I am taking. I have forgotten the name he told but I remember that the ring gives the bad taste. Rings sometimes taste bad! And much worse, they make sweet taste bitter.

Today I met with lesser traffic on my way to the college. And the return journey was smoother. I am growing confident with each kilometer I cover and each truck I overtake - from both right and left. The bad roads and fast moving vehicles look like challenges for my patience and Alhamdulillah I have been able to contain it well. Four more such days of around 65 kilometers of driving and I will be done with my exams!

There are some people who don't look happy with my cell phone's number. I have received a couple of calls from the same number and from the same person but for different people. The first time I thought it was some error made by that person. But when he called me the next day I was sure he was upto something else. Then there was a missed call from a new number after 2 am the same day. Then one more at 10:45 pm the next from another number. Before these, I had once received a message asking "Who is this?" I had seen that number for the first time. Then once I received a message "Hi dear whats up?" from another new number.

When my mother heard the bell ring at 2 am and asked me who was calling and I told her that somebody was bugging me, she asked me to change my number. That didn't look like a solution to me. It rather sounded like a step taken under pressure. I don't mind people calling me as long as it doesn't effect my prepaid balance and sleep. It cant effect the balance of course but sleep can find some irritation if this continues. I thought of putting those numbers on the blog but that again didn't look like a solution to me.

I am liking the idea of keeping myself updated with what's happening with the movie 'Om Shanti Om'. Before its release I was desperately hoping that its competitor 'Saawariya' flops and 'Om Shanti Om' turns out as victor. The news that it had even overpowered Tom Criuse's 'Lions For Lambs' was music to my ears and that too by a margin of tens of crores of rupees was topping on the ice. I don't understand why on earth there are still people who don't like Shahrukh Khan. Perhaps because he has always been better than their favorites. All this is just a happiness in itself for me - it would fetch me nothing but only some 'happiness in itself'! And I also remember how just mentioning Shahrukh Khan in my blog once long back fetched me so many visitors. As rightly said by a friend "Shahrukh sells!"

One of my cousins has spread a news that my marriage has been fixed and I was getting engaged on the 10th of November. Initially I thought he has passed this to many of my relatives but I later understood that it was only to my aunt and cousins who live in Mecca. I have been exchanging e-mails with them ever since then explaining them that it was just a joke and that no such thing is in the offing. My aunt also told me that if there was indeed something, it should be in July 2008 when she comes here on a holiday. I had to explain again; along with the reason why my cousin got the idea of that joke in his 'cleaver' brain.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Even Satan Believes in Allah

We owe almost all of our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed.
- Charles Caleb Cotton
It is always insisted that we think before we speak but when I usually try to do it, I end up not saying anything. The same is the case with my blog - I opened the edit page two times in the last few days and simply closed finding nothing worthy of writing. Everything I thought of writing looked either dumb to me or foolish. I sit here today with the same kind of thoughts. I need to let go somethings before they take away things from me.

The first exam went past as expected. I knew how much I was preparing and I also knew how I would be writing it. I am satisfied. But a bigger achievement for me was driving to that place. Its over 30 kilometers from my house and I had three of my friends with me. I was a bit afraid of taking to that heavy-traffic road but I learnt a lot. It was a good teaching session for me. It looked like I was writing some exam.

And yesterday I went with a movie with my friends. It was one of those days I would love to live again. I liked the movie and for the first time I even liked the lead actor of that movie. I hope to experience more days of such kind.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Insert, Home, Page Up. Delete, End, Page Down

Yesterday I read a news that a political leader has made a public statement that he is going to 'attack' all the retail-store chains in the city selling vegetables. His opposition is principally to the stores named 'Fresh' owned by the Telugu Desam Party leader Chandrababu Naidu. The argument is that the opening of these kind of shopping places is effecting the small traders and making a hole in their business. And so this leader thinks that he has a right to strike these shops. He is the same person who once said he would, along with his supporters, break down a dam in some place in Andhra Pradesh. He is the leader of a party that wants a separate Telangana state so that he can become its chief minister. I wonder why he wasn't arrested for making such statements publicly.

These kind of leaders say they want the poor to make progress and no doubt they target the voting rights of these people and try to have them in their favor. I wonder what they would do once they have helped all the poor make progress and there are no more poor men! These politicians want people to be poor so that they can use their helplessness and rule them making them even poorer so that they always remain in power.

Coming to the business of the small traders that is being hampered. We all know that farming is a profession carried over generation to generation in the families in villages. They have been into the same profession for decades. They didn't grow. They stagnated, kept away from education and never considered doing anything new. This is the price they have to pay for staying dumb. And the traders - if they are deserving, they will do good in any business. There are still thousands of small traders in the city and they are doing good. If they thrive to grow in their business, they will stay in business. But if they think that they can continue and keep earning what they are earning now in the years to come, they are destined for an eradication. Simply put, it is the survival of the fittest.

Sometime back I wrote in my blog that if we are not growing, we are bound to fall down. And that if we don't make progress continuously, a downfall is just around the corner. It's all apparent from the news I have discussed above. The beauty of free enterprise is that a person willing to take risks, do some hard work, put the right brains and keep his ethics neat will definitely find cash coming his way. A country's GDP, per-capita income, several growth indices including the sensex are largely dependent on the big companies that have billions in the market. It is the duty of the government to encourage more individuals to come up and become entrepreneurs. More jobs are created, infrastructure is developed and more foreign trade takes place only when the government comes out of its socialist mind-frame.

I remember reading a quote, the exact words of which I have forgotten, which I can explain here. It says that there are men who try and adjust themselves to this world. They change themselves to adapt to this world. There are other type of men who try to make this world adjust to them. They attempt to bring this world in accordance to their ideas and beliefs. And so, all the progress the world makes depends on this second type of men.

So many times I get lachrymose thinking about my grandfather. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to meet him again after the end of this world. I would tell him how much I missed him and how much I loved him. This Ied was empty without him. I remember the last Ied when he told he might not be with us the next year. Every time I go to meet my grandmother, it reminds me of everything related to him. The furniture in his room has been displaced but his presence is still felt.

My theory externals start on 7th and my preparation will begin only from tomorrow. All these days I was spending time for CAT and I am satisfied with it. I am a little worried about the quantitative section but inshAllah I will manage. I have come to a point from where I find many things in DI very simple and English easier than DI. I have understood what questions I must not attempt. Not attempting is a thing of more importance than attempting.