Monday, March 31, 2008

Flavor Chocolate

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière
I want to be explained that I am not the only one with such kind of things in mind. It always gives more strength and confidence to know that we are not alone with what we think and what we do. I remember whenever I went late to college my biggest worry used to be being the only one to go late. Being scolded or not being let in was completely a different concern which I hardly used to pay attention to. Perhaps these are simple human instincts that demand our desire to have people around us who stay with us even if we don't think alike. And perhaps the word lonely has been designed to describe how it feels not to satisfy that desire. Like love, many human instincts seem irrational. But they exist and they make a difference.

I reached home at 7:30 pm after spending almost 5 hours in the college. I was expecting some company and thankfully I had a friend with me. There was nothing I did about the tests I am supposed to have from tomorrow. Right now I have the same amount of over confidence which I had the last time I had such tests. There are eight answers I must learn to attempt the essays' section and the only thing I know now is that I have more than 10 hours before I have to put a few of them on paper. I have done it before so many times and inshAllah I won't find it difficult to do it again. These words of mine are sure to be misleading for any person who hasn't been through the four years of engineering studies.

Writing two to three paragraphs for a post is easy. But writing sensible things is always a task especially when I feel disappointed with people around with the reason being my own actions which never intended to go wrong. I had no plans to write for today but I have to sit down and study now and this is the only way I can feel better. I am not being criticised, nobody has scolded me, but I can understand what things imply and how they can work blunders. Things will be different when I open the book now - it's going to be a reminder of past. It looks unfair how an hour of test requires so much effort which we never put. I remember studying for hours together in the past. Things have changed and according to many people even I am supposed to have changed. I know my objectives and morals remain the same. 'Objectives' and 'morals' - two of the many heavy words!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Only Chocolate

Men love because they are afraid of themselves, afraid of the loneliness that lives in them, and need someone in whom they can lose themselves as smoke loses itself in the sky.
-V.F. Calverton
I watched all the three movies of the 'Bourne' series again. I had been looking out for them and today we had a get-together at a cousin's place in the afternoon. We played all the three parts back to back with a break only for lunch. The plan was for yesterday itself but couldn't be completed for a reason still being discussed among us. I couldn't believe my parents let my brother too stay out even till late night.

Some days back I sat to think about the luxuries we have and how we treat them - we just ask for more. We are used to these enjoyable easy things that we just don't care about what others have to face. And when we have any difficulty in getting things this easy we quibble and get frustrated. I find it funny how quickly I get irritated when I don't find food of my choice in dinner or the clothes to my liking ready to be worn in the mornings. Or perhaps it's only me with such kind of character traits. I try hard not to have sympathy for myself.

It's always better to be in action than to see others controlling it. It hurts me to sit and relax when some of my friends are not comfortable with the future they might possibly be having. It's like watching a war going on in front of me with my own people fighting and I can't do anything for them. I just have to try to pray not knowing what exactly I should ask from Allah. I end up with asking Allah for their happiness but that doesn't satisfy me. If I could do something, something at least to make them feel better and stronger, say something that gives them happiness and lets them know that Allah has big plans, and just see them happy, I could be so happy. This is selfishness for me.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I Don't Share Chocolate

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
-Stephen Stills
I waited all through the week to hear from the University of Texas at Arlington about my application's status. They started with informing me that they have not received one of my transcripts. Then they declared not having any of the transcripts. I had to mail them several times before calling up their office. I was asked to resend the complete sets. But then when I was leaving for bed early morning today I received a mail from them acknowledging the possession of all my documents and also letting me know that my application has been sent to the next level of processing. It was a positive reply providing a relief. When I finally woke up today it was 2 pm and I greeted my father home.

My preferred university is the University of Texas at Dallas. It has one of the best infrastructure and faculty for Computer Science in the whole of the United States. I satisfy all their requirements including GPA, GRE and TOEFL scores. It's all just wait-and-see. I am confident of getting admits from New York Institute of Technology and University of Houston at Clearlake. I would love to stay in New York if it was softer on my pocket. Houston would be perfection just that the university is just about average. Though I have also applied to a university in Chicago, I am not keen to go there. But of course, it's the visa processing that will have the final say. Allah will decide.

We are supposed to submit our projects on April 2nd but our project-guide himself took up the date of 5th. He is being too kind for us helping us with almost everything. We only have the implementation part left which initially seemed to be the biggest hurdle. A casual attitude all these days gave us only one thing - support from our lecturer. I only hope that we get decent marks for the documentation and a respectable grade in it's viva. It's just another subject to be cleared. I happened to refresh Rational Rose, spend more time on Visual Studio and get myself comfortable with Visual Basic. I am sure I am not going to keep this for long with me. Knowledge too gets stale.

Monday, March 24, 2008


By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I overhead a lecture on the television today telling about how big a sin believing in astrology is. It has been defined as Kufr in Islam. In a way it is equivalent of disbelieving Allah because it is Allah who guides everything and people end up believing in stars. Reading this kind of content even for fun is a sinful act. Apparently I remember reading somewhere that our duas for 40 days don't get accepted even if we happen to read about what our future could be. It's impossible at times to explain things enough.

I finally had a full dinner sitting with my parents today. It was definitely after a long time that such a dinning occurred though it was in the drawing room using the center-table. My mother had cooked fish's curry and even fried fish letting us have a sumptuous meal for the night. I thought of having some good tea with my father but hotels these days are closing down soon. The police in Hyderabad declares it openly that they can't handle shops and restaurants being open in the city till late night and so it's better to close them down early. But yes of course, they take bribes from all the hotels weekly.

Today we were given our offer-letters by Infosys. It was not a wait for me but definitely a sense of relief when I held that packet with my name visible through the transparent plastic label on it. My parents were happy seeing it and asked me for a party. I still hope it was in my capacity to treat them just because they asked. In fact would call a party daily and try to be the best host ever! This is all never a remote possibility if Allah wills.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
-Douglas Yates

It was the sugarcane-juice that started the chaos in my nose and throat. I took time to recollect what all I had eaten in the last 3 to 4 days before remembering the plastic-glass that had freshly crushed juice with pieces of ice in it on Sunday. Sugarcane juice and guavas are two things I try to avoid in spite of desperate liking towards them. Sunday my friend wanted to have it and I couldn't resist the temptation. I am a kind of allergic to these fruity materials - they end up giving me cold and throat infections. My head's been heavy for three days now.

Yesterday I happened to talk about the hoors, mentioned in the Holy Quran and the hadees that are supposedly going to be given to men who have been pious in this world. It is said in the books that a pious man would get 72 of these hoors who would be indescribably beautiful and would honor only their husbands. There are also mentions about their young attractive ages and states of so-called purity. There are many descriptions of these hoors given to us making them an attraction for men to do good deeds so that they enjoy hoors in heaven. Women and non-Muslims have raised many questions on how this kind of gender bias appears in Islam and what are the rewards for pious women when they enter paradise.

When I follow my religion and put my faith in Allah, my only objective is to do what Allah has asked me to do. Now, it's a different question how well I do it. But it's not paradise that attracts me towards good; it's Allah's order that makes me do it. And some times it's the fear of hell. But there is a prime reason that guides me and pulls me to the right direction - when I do good deeds and when Allah is pleased with me, in the hereafter I will get to meet Him. Obeying Allah will take me to Him. If I am a sinner I go to hell and never get to see Allah. So as a bottom line, things are not about hell or heaven, it is all about what my Creator has asked me to do and my desire to meet Him.

Please blatantly question the Quran and the hadees without understanding the essence what they are supposed to believe in. They put forth the questions with confidence of a warrior who knows that his motives are right and his strength is going to win him the war. But they don't understand that they are questioning what Allah and His prophet (pbuh) have said. Allah is the author of the holy Quran and questioning what's written in that book is equivalent to questioning Allah. It also shows the amount of faith within us. It shows how much we believe in the holy Quran.

Talking about hoors, I am sure if I happen to meet one today I wouldn't like her. They are supposed to be transparent with their marrow visible. That would look like a deformity to me and appear disgusting. But I am sure of one thing: if Allah is pleased with me and lets me enter heaven, I would definitely like what hoors are for when a person enters heaven, he is not the same person who had spent a life on this earth. He would have different heart to feel and perceive things differenty, different eyes to see and understand things differently, and most importantly there won't be any evil there in heaven.

I am not aware if Quran mentions that men can do with the hoors what they see on televisions. I am sure that things would be much more pure and spiritual there with no evil desires. There won't be any desire there in heaven that is considered dirty here in this world. Men and women have been given rights in equal weights in this world and so will it be in the heaven.

Many women think that Allah is being unfair to them. I find it obnoxious to hear. It is Allah who decides and not we about what is fair or unfair. And Allah is our God and He knows best what is good for us. If He decides to give something to somebody, so be it. Who are we to question? But yes of course, Allah is just and He is never unfair. Things go in the direction of our interpretation of what we hear and what we are prejudiced about. Allah also says: “And round about them will (serve) boys of everlasting youth. If you see them, you would think them scattered pearls” [al-Insaan 76:19]

Just imagine women being told that they would be given 72 husbands in the paradise. Sure, if Allah wants it that way, it will be good no matter how men perceive it. But Allah makes things sweeter for women. He says: "Therein you shall have (all) that your inner‑selves desire" [Fussilat 41:31-32]. Allah created us all and He knows that by nature women are shy and have more complex emotions and feelings compared to men. Allah knows who deserves what and He takes into account everything we do.

I have also once read that in the Arab world there were many stories of men receiving many wives in heaven if they fought bravely in battles and the descriptions of those women were astounding. The descriptions made other women feel inferior and the purpose of these stories was to subjugate women and to make them feel weaker. It was Islam that uplifted women and made them stronger. No doubt why there are more women embracing Islam than men.

Media and non-Muslims highlight only the parts of Islam that have the capacity to create contradictions and belittle the religion. They quote verses out of context and make people including Muslims question what Allah says. It is a pity that nobody tries to find the truth. It is sad the people forget what faith is about. It is not just about men wanting hoors. If men try to do good deeds to have 72 women with them and hope to do whatever their hearts desire, I am sure those desires in unreasonable measures they have in them now could attract Allah's displeasure. All good we do is for Allah; not to have women with us and take pleasure in them.

And if women still feel that things are really unfair to them, the best thing for them would be to read and understand the holy Quran and teach their children what Allah says in it. This way, at least the future generations would know the right reasons, what the right things they are supposed to be and have belief in them. There are reasons why I give more priority to quality education. It promotes self-thinking and rationality. It makes us free of what others talk. Holy Quran talks on all aspects of life. Hadees go in depth of everything mentioned in the holy Quran. We don't have to listen to the media and what the disbelievers say. We can only try to guide them.

Allah says: "And We shall remove from their breasts any (mutual) hatred or sense of injury (which they had, if at all, in the life of this world); rivers flowing under them, and they will say: ‘All the praises and thanks be to Allah, Who has guided us to this, and never could we have found guidance, were it not that Allah had guided us! Indeed, the Messengers of our Lord did come with the truth.’ And it will be cried out to them: ‘This is the Paradise which you have inherited for what you used to do’" [al-A’raaf 7:43]

This clears all the doubts about how we would feel when we inshAllah enter the paradise. We would feel and think only what Allah desires. If a man hates his wife in this world, he would love her there. If a woman dislikes her husband in this world, she would love him there. If a woman here hates men thinking them to be gross and corrupted, things would be different in heaven. Even wine would be a virtuous drink. Things would be different. All we have to worry is about what we do here in this world. Allah is all merciful and forgiving. We only have to repent and do all that He wants us to do.

A few times I have been asked why I don't have a separate blog of religious topics. I find it illogical that I separate religion from the mainstream. Then I am sure there are those who think I have no right to write about religion when I am not so pious. Allah knows things best. I personally know people who think I am a big sinner. Allah knows what they are. If showing faith openly, writing separate blogs for Islam and calling others as sinners makes one a better Muslim, then I am glad I am better than those. I know all my blogs where I have written things that are not in concord with my religion. There are a couple of poems and quotes that are imperfect. To the best of my knowledge, rest is fine. I am open for all debates but not to those who hide their names. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the identity gifted to me by Allah.

There are so many ways one can access the right interpretations on what is written in the Quran and the hadees. For those who find it difficult to read - which I am sure is a foolish thing to hear - there is a channel called Peace TV. Some cable operators in India block it on purpose. It should be made clear that this channel is broadcasted in India with its headquarters in Mumbai and the channel is perfectly legal. It is Q TV that has its roots in Pakistan and is illegal. Even the content on Q TV is unIslamic. There are so many videos available in the market that clear the misconceptions about Islam. People like Dr. Zakir Naik and Dr. Israr Ahmed have been doing wonderful work in the subcontinent. People still like staying in darkness and shouting because they are afraid - they know there is something wrong inside their hearts; their beliefs don't give them clear conscience.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A Shoulder

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
-George Jean Nathan
There seems to be some problem with the template I am using for this blog. It's not loading properly in either of the two most popular browsers. It takes frustrating hours to find good templates and insert all the necessary codes in them and have everything look satisfyingly good. As the date to submit my project gets closer day by day, every small extra thing that comes up seems to appear like a task. Though I don't complain, I just hope that I am able to cope up with it. There are no lengthy checklists these days but the things to be completed are lengthy.

After I took bath in the morning I sneezed a few times before getting tired and realizing that I had caught cold. It sounds so silly that I find irritation inside my nose with temperatures soaring and making me sweat and smell. Apart from a blockade inside the upper part of my nostrils, I also feel something heat up there. It's uncomfortable and irritating. Most of the medicines that cure cold have soporific effects and those that are lighter on sleep are less effective. So, taking medicines doesn't seems to be a good idea.

I had lots of pop-corn sometime back and small chips of the brown parts of corn seem to have fallen in love with my gums. It's for the first time I see corn hurting me. I badly need to give a brushing. But that also means I touch water and even put some in my mouth to gargle. That would make my throat suffer even more. I am thirsty and I can't drink water too to my satisfaction because it has to pass through my throat and my nostrils aren't the only affected parts. It's good sometimes that we can't do all that we want to do. I don't want to delete the last sentence I have typed but I have no explanation to it. But of course I can write some philosophy and use heavy words like 'resisting temptation makes us noble' or 'we learn life by keeping away from what we like the most'. I know I do that often.

Once I remember reading a quote that went something like 'I love humanity; it's people I can't stand'. I had been thinking of making it as the featured quote for any of the posts but never found it apt. I just happened to like the attitude shown by the author of that line but in general I have no reflection of mine in those words. It seems interesting as our psychology to even like things we don't reflect in. We only tend to have a liking or a kind of fascination about them and we appreciate the idea. But in reality, with our premises as our contexts, we don't like them. We only appreciate.

I reached home a little early today after many days. I was also the one to reach home before my parents arrived. They even asked me how I could come early and I know it was satiric. Today too I had some work at a friend's house but because I wanted to be home and spend some time with my parents I postponed it by a day. I also slept hoping that I would be fresh when I wake up but it wasn't of much help. I could come out of the feeling of tiredness but we always find a fair bit of emotions influencing our physical keenness to work.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Social Arts

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.
- Chuck Norris
The last 45 minutes I saw were spent in acute anger. I just told myself that I should get good explanations from some people so that I am made to feel guilty of thinking such distasteful things about them. I want to see myself at the fault of being speculative and prejudiced. I am only trying to figure out how that explanation could be. I want to apologize, but with a reason. It's not a good idea to stop talking to anybody, but for a reason. I like myself when I am clear with what I stand for.

It has been a busy weekend with hardly any time to talk to my father. I told him a few days back that I wanted to talk to him and he had asked me what it was about. I had said that it was about me and since then I am waiting for him to start the conversation. I am sure he remembers my request, but either of us is finding time for each other. I know that will come and it will leave teaching me good things. Even the time that make me wait seems to behave like a teacher.

My cousin brother's engagement has been fixed for some day in May ad his marriage will be in July inshAllah. This will be for the first time that I would be with a person getting married who has been a very close friend of mine. He is at least 6 years elder to me and I am glad by the way he treats me. I wonder how I get so comfortable with people who are so elder to me. The other day, in a detailed discussion about a few things, I asked another cousin who is 12 years elder to me, how he could manage being a single for so many years. His answer was simple: "I got used to it!" And I know things have changed between us in the last few months.

I bought a couple of books for myself on Saturday. There is a long list already of those waiting to be read and finished. I am already in the first half of a non-fiction, and on the 45th page of a very voluminous one. Then there are plenty to be read after them. I can't explain my excitement when I go to bookshops. The smell of fresh printed paper covered with color talking of big authors drives me crazy. There is enough time left for all productive work I can do but with hardly 44 days left for my engineering to get over, I have all reasons to avoid it. I will have a lot of time after May 1st. I am ready to forgo that.

I need things to sweep me off my feet. Things that make me forget all the great times I had in the past and make me look forward to the future. I want to continue to have the same people around me always but because I know that can't be possible, I at least want those around to make a lot of difference to me. This could sound interesting and exciting if taken in the right note. More often than realized, things don't always go well when such desires arise. It is said that there is time for everything but nobody explains how to gauge it and have the right measure. It's kind of funny how we have to heed to what people say.

Friday, March 14, 2008


After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
-Mark Twain, Extracts from Adam's Diary(1904)
It's 11:12 pm now. Too early for me to go to sleep. I was with my parents all this time and they have left for sleep. I wanted to talk to somebody. Anybody known to me as a well wisher could do. I came online for that. I thought I could at least talk to my brother but he seems to be busy. But now I ask myself, for how many more days or months am I going to find myself searching for people to talk to me. Why did I not learn to keep myself pleased at all times?

But that is not the case always. I know that once I finish writing for today, I will be a different person waiting for different things. I am my best entertainer. I can wait for hours without complaining. It's just this desire to have somebody to talk that comes up every now-and-then. InshAllah someday I will find a way to get over it without the need to write a blog.

I did find some time for productive work today. I reached college just in time to provide the keys of a classroom whose responsibility I had taken under me yesterday. I still remember saying those words to the head of the Computer Science department: "I will take the responsibility, sir". I know I was late in the morning. It was 8:28 AM in my phone when I opened my eyes and I was there in the college at 9:51 AM. I have no idea why I remember these times so well. The other thing I did was walking with my friend to all the places he was going to for official work. I had nothing else but to follow him. I am happy with that.

It was long back that I had thought of conducting an event of my own in the fest currently going on in my college. I had never been serious with it until I had a pleasant coincidence. I reconsidered my blurred plan and so I had the event's posters ready. One of the faults I made was of forgetting to think about why students participate in an event of a contest. I gave some thought to that today and I felt myself as self centered and egoistic. I hope to write here that I have learnt a lesson but with all my heart, I am yet to. I am also in no mood to think about what kind of perception one could get after reading all this. Some knowledge and understandings don't come so easily and inherently.

I still wish to find somebody before tomorrow's morning who would talk to me for a while. I would sit and listen as well. I just found a friend online but the chat is too broken to be considered as a talk. And yes of course, things will be different when tomorrow starts as a continuation of the today. And there won't be that need or even a memory of it before such a desire pops up yet again. And I will continue to remind myself that there is something I am yet to learn

Thursday, March 13, 2008

So Sweet

You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile.
-Gladiator, Marcus Aurelius
It's 12:12 AM and I have never felt more tired than now. I didn't do any big things or productive work today. I just spent a lot of time with my friends trying to do what they were doing. There was no desire within me that needed any special attention and focus to be satisfied. There was a need for company and smiles. I had plenty of that and I hope to go to bed as a happy man. Tomorrow will be another day, a continuation of the day I had just lived through. New days come to those who aren't satisfied with their present ones.

I have sent my transcripts and other documents to four universities till now and InshAllah I will have one more completed shortly. It's all just wait and see now. If Allah wills, I will sure get an I 20 and then it's the consulate. Obviously Allah decides and I pray. Satisfaction is not the only thing I ask for. I find difficulty in twisting and turning my mind in the directions others think. I only simulate and learn. That's what that takes a lot of thinking and time inherently.

It's 12:20 AM now and I know it will be a great thing if I leave for bed immediately. Yesterday I slept after 4 AM - I was waiting on the bed after 2 AM. The day before that it was around 3 AM again. It was 4 AM before that. And it's all only one thing - the immense need to explain myself why I feel what others around me don't and why I am dumb enough to feel so. But like a rational person, I always tell myself that there are several reasons to be very happy and they all prevail. And I succeed. It's 12:23 AM.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


We must have strong minds, ready to accept facts as they are.
- Harry S Truman (1884-1972)
There was a bus standing in the middle of the road near the Barista at Banjara Hills. When I saw things from close, I stared at a dead body lying in the middle of the street covered with a blanket. I could only see the dark feet of a man who must have just been overrun by that bus. I know I have grown sullen and callous with these kind of things. There are other things that trouble. I wonder if there are really things I need to change with my premises.

These days I am finding myself to be more conservative than the people I see around. But I still can't have a plug on what all I think and how far I think. I am not aggressive unless I loose my cool. And coming to my temper, I am having a terrific time with it! There is lesser control than before and lot many reasons why it's increasing. Nothing is wrong with the reasons that make me angry; it's me.

Some problem still comes from my ego and pride. I am kind of getting addicted to me. Just because I am not criticized on my face, I should remember that I am not clean and pure. Just because I don't find faults in me, I shouldn't forget that there is a bigger probability now. These are simple reminders for me and writing them down definitely makes me feel better and stronger.