Saturday, April 26, 2008


What a strange narrowness of mind now is that, to think the things we have not known are better than the things we have known.
- Samuel Johnson
Last Sunday my aunt came to meet us at home. After me, she congratulated my father. He asked the reason and she said about my admission for MS. My father replied saying it was not a big thing to get an admission but rather the visa is more important. Three days back I spoke to my father about this because I wanted to tell him that admission too was important if not as important as the visa. I told him that there are those still waiting for admits and gave him an example of a friend who has scored 1470 in GRE and still has to wait. My father asked me what the probable reason for his waiting could be. I said "it's Allah's will". He asked nothing else.

I was going back to my school-days I still remember. I can still picture that day when I wrote a short note to my class-teacher on a piece of paper about a boy sitting next to me who used to trouble me a lot. I can still recollect my teacher tearing that slip after reading it and changing my seating in the classroom. The guy was a bully those days but later he went on to become a good friend before I finished my 10th standard. I wasn't confident enough that day to speak to my teacher but the thing was so important that I somehow had to tell him. And I had said it. It was the need. A desperate attempt of a human being to find happiness.

I remember one more occasion where I was made to sit beside a guy I hated talking to. I never wanted to get close to him either. This strong aversion of mine towards him had started when I had come to know that he used to eat pork. It would be like hell sitting next to him in the class those days. I could never bear even getting close him. Then I had myself requested my teacher and my seating was promptly changed. I had not told my teacher about why I wanted the change. I had just requested and it was made. I used to be a good student scoring good marks. It was a favor I had asked for and it was granted. That was an attempt I had made yielding to my preferences and dislikes. Later in my schooldays I got close to many who ate pork. I never had the problem again. I don't know how and why I changed.

Change has never brought any difference to me directly. It became natural for me and not having change always troubles me now. Life has always been smooth with right things coming at the right times with the lessons teaching me what I must learn with time. I hardly had to take any crude means to learn what I was, how I came into being and how life progresses. I never had to rely on those bad guys in the school to tell me half-baked things. I was the one to read them from the right places and ask the right people. I never relied on fun as a means to learn what is serious.

I am inexplicably weak at times with my heart and emotions. I cannot tell how hard it is to have so many things in mind and to live along with what all I keep in my heart. But it's all about only one thing. And for the rest, it hardly matters. I go down stairs in my house at 3:30 am and close the door. I hear some new noise in the kitchen at 2 am and I go there and check. I hear some movement in the balcony at 2:30 am and I check it ready to see that thief there and scare him away. It never effects me mentally. I don't even get moved when I see dead bodies lying on the street after being crushed by moving vehicles. It barely hits me to hear how brutally a man was murdered when I read it in the newspaper. But when it comes to matters of loneliness and companionship I don't understand how people bear it.

I remember some years back when I couldn't sleep for a few days after hearing a dog howling in the night. Since then, I have heard many such howls and I have myself gone out to scare the dogs aways. I am not afraid of meeting a thief there. I am not scared if some ghost would pop in from some corner. I am not afraid of the darkness as I used to when I was a kid. These days I only think of my fear I had as a kid and I call it human behavior. I used to be so afraid of even sheep. And then one day I started slaughtering them.

I wonder how strong people are when things are about heart and people. I simply cannot understand how they can be so sullen so easily. I don't get the point behind being bold enough to stand loneliness without complaining. But when I look back at my life, I have been there several times. I have spent tens of days at home with nothing to do and nobody around for hours. I have seen the day my aunt died and saw my closed ones crying and yet I didn't shed a tear because it looked naive to me. My aunt's death was just to take her to a step closer to heaven. She was a very good person. My grandfather's death didn't make me cry. I only miss him only to realize that he is always there with me in my heart. But then, there is this thing that I can't stand, and my heart weeps.

I have taken too many lessons. I have seen my mother not having money to buy me a snack worth a Rupee. And now I see her letting me have money ready to be spent in hundreds and thousands. Change was always welcome. There was guidance always. Never in my life was my brother or I scolded for skipping prayers. We were told that it was mandatory for us and we kept skipping them. Then a time came when we realized what we have been doing and what we are. We changed ourselves. Our parents gave the guidance. Never forced us.

I remember the days we used to have yellow bulbs. The low voltage of electricity never used to allow us have any other kind of lighting in home. I was perhaps around 8 years in age. That day I had woken up from sleep and I was crying. My father had taken me in his arms and was walking in the house with me still crying and was trying to calm me down. I remember the yellow lights. I remember being carried in my father's arms. I don't remember why I was crying. I don't remember when I stopped crying.

I don't cry much these days. These days precisely. I watch myself telling how weak I am, how bad things can be and how much more I need to learn. Then I say "typical human behavior" and I let it go. I always find this option and use it with ease. I see that there is absolutely no friction in my life, the future is brighter than ever, things are so easy and nice for me, and yet I search for problems with me and I make them to seem larger than the life I live. I make my own life difficult and then I realize I am doing it. And then again, like a serious man, I say "human behavior".

I see people around - many of my elders. I see them doing mistakes, creating problems for others, solving some, aggravating some, being pointless, having big ego and not being righteous. I see that these are the so called mature people. It doesn't confuse me to call them mature and see them be so illogical. I just say "human behavior". That seems to be an easy answer to so many of my questions of why people have irrational and at times unruly behavior. It is never a shock for me not to see them behaving unbelievable. It's fine and if it's creating problems for me, I let them go. I forgive. I forgive myself. I just make it a point to remember that so and so person has so and so weakness and so and so thing irritates him.

But what about my problem? It is insufficient to call it human behavior. I don't see it much around. It's getting typical only of me. Others understand it, listen to me, help me, I just don't help myself. It seems impossible most of the times. And then I realize the options. I can be numb. I can be indifferent. But I have tried it before and have been termed as a sullen son by my mother. She has called me emotionally hard many times. Perhaps I am not able to have emotions expressed in the right proportions in front of the right people.

A thing that makes me blush and go pink in front of my friends barely makes me even smile in front of my parents. Only my heart does the work. A thing that makes me spend hours doing nothing can so easily be ran over whenever I want to yet I prefer staying with it. It's all just how I select my option to be happy. The so called problem too makes me happy. It's not about immaturity, it's not about what is right or what can be wrong. It is mostly about what I have chosen and decided as good for me and think of that good as a means to keep me happy. It is nothing wrong but it is not completely right with those who don't understand. If somebody today calls what all I am writing here as crap I would call it human behavior. It's perfectly alright. We are a different people. I don't like curds!

I remember watching this movie "Cast Away". The actor in lead role is Tom Hanks and he is marooned on a lonely island. There he makes a face out of a coconut shell and makes that face his friend. He relies on the shell for companionship. He begins to love that shell for it is his only friend there on that lonely island. And one day he gets frustrated with its lifelessness and throws it away. The next moment sense comes to him and he runs to pick that shell back. He cries for being rude towards that shell. He apologizes. He weeps and places that shell back to a safer place - in his heart and also on a clean stone in the rocks.

I fell in love with the idea of owning an island after watching this movie. But this shell and Tom's love for it goes great with my emotions. Many times I create such shells in my mind. Just for the sake of happiness. I never throw them away. I give them a lot of importance with respect. I try to explain that importance to others. Some understand. Some refuse its very existence. I enjoy, I hurt myself and I live past the fears and grief attached to it. All along I remember that it is just a shell. And I tell myself "typical human behavior" not knowing how many people do that.

It's only in the luxury of the company of friends that I can be indescribably illogical and keep on blabbering staying only on one side of the story realizing only later that there has been another side too which I had been ignoring because my love for the friend I was talking to was too much for me to have any logic being discussed and though about. Later when I recollect what all I had spoken, I see so much not being coherent and consistent. Yet my friend remains my friend - I don't know if that can remain forever. I find it easier to give in to the intellect of that friend letting that friend decide what is right and teach me. That is luxury and a blessing.

Having no problems and creating some for ourselves is luxury. "My" human behavior is just to bring me out of my comfort zone and show me more things I can probably have with me - as a luxury. To satisfy my emotions is probably not my need. I am perhaps strong enough to keep them tamed. But why do I do it when I have the chance to let them grow and satisfy them? I might as well be weaker than others in this part of life. But that's how we grow - strengthening ourself with knowledge and wisdom. What if I remain satisfied with what is coming to me and never ask Allah for more and never try for anything? My life would be boring and there won't be any change. We have this human tendency. We need to move further up in our levels of endurance and achievements. Corrections are always welcome.

My Tea Has Gone Cold

My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.
- Tom Stoppard
Three days this week I went to bed at Fajar. I don't know how time passes by when I am awake at nights but what I do know is that it won't be easy to forget these days I have living through. I woke up at 9:45 am today and slept after an hour again. It was on and off till very late when I left for my grandmother's house. I am not worried about the varied pieces of times in the day I am sleeping. It is sleep I am worried about.

Yesterday afternoon I was waiting for some of my friends to come home. It was a kind of trying not having any around. I was missing a few of them a lot, so sat in front of my computer looking at some pics when I realized that I need to have more of them. I wanted to call them all and speak but couldn't make the right judgement before sending a few messages through phone. Later in the evening I had four of them at my home and we went on to watch three movies in the night - Crazy Chick, Grudge 2 and Hitman. It was morning when I slept hoping and praying. Not to forget the full hour I stood outside my house with a friend around 3 am talking.

A couple of days back I went through some old posts I have written on my other blog. It makes me wonder after reading them how much I used to write, how easy it was to to throw everything on the screen and how difficult it is these days to imagine others reading it. I couldn't believe I could write those views, I couldn't believe I had written them apparently, and of course there were some points I wish were made to sound a little different. Some words appeared naive and the rest was fine. Writing can be so unbelievable.

The book I am reading these days is "Trump: The Art of the Deal". I had been waiting to get hold of this one and when I finally found it I had to wait before I could finish the one I was reading for more than a couple of months then. This book is fast and gripping but I have my exams on so I have to go slow. It's not that I am studying always and I can't take time for the book, it's just that I find so many things around that I feel deserve some attention and the book just waits there. "Atlas Shrugged" with its more than 1000 pages still to be read is a commitment I will make after I finish this one once I am done with my semester.

Since the day I spoke to my father over a cup of tea at a nearby hotel in the night, I have been waiting for him to tell my mother about it. She has opened that topic several times and spoke a great deal on it and asked my opinion too. My only answer was listening to her and keeping numb. I always had a chance to tell her what I think of but I find it more appropriate that it is spoken with a fair bit of seriousness and that it gave a favorable result. I am afraid of hearing a "no" here. I know my parents would be with me but I can't make any guesses about other parents! I might go nuts as well. I will stay on the better side nevertheless.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Grow old with me!

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.
-Johann von Goethe
It's disappointing when I take time away from the computer or books to watch the home-team playing and they give a terrible show. A team that was rated as the best at the start of the tournament having some of the best batsmen in the world is expected to be better than the mediocre if not exceptional. There is something I tell myself whenever I sit in front of the TV: "never get carried away by it". It's good to have a line for everything.

I woke up at 3 pm today. It could have been much later if my father had not knocked the door. I still had a short nap after that and things kept looking dull until I took a bath. The other night I had slept for hardly a couple of hours which had made my head terribly heavy while I was writing the exam. Later in the day I went to check out some offer at Pizza Hut with my friends so had not taken any tryst with sleep till 3:30 am in the morning. Today's sleep gave me the much required respite from staying awake! The offer at the pizza's store was good but it fell heavy on my wallet.

It's not easy to pull out three paragraphs out of a day when nothing much has been done. And more difficult especially when writing all that's in the mind seems to be dangerous and sensitive for those who have a tendency to misunderstand it. It's almost an hour since I started writing for today and I have waited for a big part of it after finishing the first two paragraphs. Things don't seem to come to a finish - some things that are supposed to find an end, not all of the things! And there are those ideas that instill worry - once bitten twice shy, don't want to loose it again, it's never too early or never too late, why not?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Season New

I am not bothered by the fact that I am unknown. I am bothered when I do not know others.
- Confucius, The Analects
Among all the posts on blogs I have read till now and the ones I have written I have never come across a one like I saw on my friend's blog just a few days back. There were pictures in it and I can't explain enough how deep they could penetrate into my heart and spread happiness there. Though writing the old Chinese saying which was something similar to "a picture is worth more than thousand words" would sound dull and appear like a cliche, I was flattered by how my friend managed to give that much appreciated human touch. Never the memories of these moments will be forgotten by me.

It is always desirable to write sweet words in praise of friends, appreciate their companionship, write how we feel for them and when we are with them, write some refreshingly new quotes by young writers, present a few old adages on life, love and friendship and give gleam and perfume to our feelings in text. But they never suffice. To have the people right beside us, to be able to see them, to be able to hear them whenever we want to, to hear them when we don't know what we are looking for in our lives, and to hear them telling us that they love us, will always be by our side regardless of what we turn ourselves into...

Lines of similar kinds can go on for the reason that we all feel nice reading what touches our hearts. It is difficult to take the facts, accept them and live with them wholeheartedly. I salute all those who have stayed this way, never allowed their emotions to interfere with their intellect and never showed any signs of biased behaviour. I could never become that. I always had preferences and priorities. Some of these betrayed me, some became a lot more important than I had earlier thought of them as and some just remained as mere priorities. I didn't think much when I saw my friend's blog-post. The thinking had already been done and the result was there. There was no realization either - it wasn't required. There was a smile, extended gloss in the eyes and there were words "it's unfair that it has to end". Allah decides.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I Could Give Up Chocolate But I'm Not A Quitter

Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart.
- John Nash, A Beautiful Mind
I had a wonderful time in conversation with my mother for about 15 minutes. I could have asked her for anything told or her anything. But I preferred letting her enjoy teasing me and my brother as she went on talking about my friends, then my brother getting married and then about I getting married. She asked me what would I would give my wife to eat. I didn't think of answering but she continued "pizza, burger and shawarma". I replied with "chocolate". But I didn't let that word come out of my mouth. It's too sacred and must be mentioned at the right times. But I asked her if there was any chocolate in the fridge right then. She said "no". I had been missing it for sometime now.

She had previously asked me why I didn't do the final project by myself and why I needed two people with me. Fortunately I had a friend there who explained her that it's not possible for a person to do a project alone and everybody has two people with them for it. After my friend left and took took time with me, she also asked why I had to do that project with only girls. She was laughing and so I took the freedom to give any illogical answer. I see that my parents and my brother leave no chance of creating fun of me. The only thing I don't like about them teasing me is when they use the words "Govinda" and "Himesh Reshamiya". I could have as well put today's title as 'A Beautiful Chocolate' but I don't want the movie to take any glory more than chocolate herself!

I finished watching 'A Beautiful Mind'. I liked it to recommend others to watch it. But it's I feel a matter of taste that one would like watching such movies. It's not always nice to see the hero impaired or helpless. I have a few more movies yet to be watched on my computer and a lot more with friends. It at times looks like a commitment to sit and watch even when it entertains and I like what it does to me. I am reluctant with almost everything but that's how it must be - we need to take time before we show any form of commitment. It's better that I don't get much into 'commitments' in this post.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Say Chocolate

Ah, how good it feels! The hand of an old friend.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today was an expectedly unusual day for me. I woke up several times in the morning before finally getting out of the bed and each time woke up I tried to think of one good reason why I need to be wake. Putting myself to sleep seemed to be the best option. I went out of the house just a couple of times, finished reading a rook which had 43 pages left and started reading another book I had bought last month. Also not to forget the 40 minutes of 'A Beautiful Mind' I watched. I received no calls except the one from my mother, made no calls and read two messages including the one which was from my father intended to mock at my late mornings. These kind of expectedly unusual days is what I expect in the weeks to come. They sound not even remotely exciting.

It was fun watching all my elders playing and laughing the last Saturday when we were some good number of miles away from the city dining under the dark sky. They were playing some game for which I too was asked to participate. I refused giving no reason but smiles. It was my father who eventually won and my uncle seemed to be the happiest person for that. I was with my cousins looking at elders and their adulthood. It was peaceful and satisfying. I am the generation next to their's. The drive to that place and back home was my first experience with the car on highway streets with no lighting. It was nice but I found it a bit difficult in controlling my instincts to keep the vehicle's speed inside the limits.

Nothing makes us tired the way doing nothing makes. Nothing is more heavy than having nothing to carry. It is not easy to do things for the sake of doing them just because nothing else interests. I could have as well opened the books for the examinations that are due to start from the coming Monday but that didn't excited me. It found that very idea as dull. I knew what I wanted to do with a disbelief that there is not a way to do it. It doesn't seem to be a possibility even tomorrow or even the day after. I wonder with what motivation I am going to hit the bed today and with what reason I will pull out of it. Allah knows best.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Pretty Chocolate

Love me and the world is mine.
-David Reed
After the last Saturday's dinner with all my relatives, I have been thinking how much at times it can cost to be with the people we want to be and those we love. And as long as it only costs money it is still attainable. Though money can keep us busy and maybe even make us forget who we are, someday we all have to miss somebody and there is nothing we can do about it. Crying is not doing something; it is only crying even if it helps. Time wipes away the tears but these lunches and dinners remain forever.

When I told my father today that I tasted crab he made a face showing disgusted reactions. He even asked if I tried frog. I wanted to tell him that they don't serve frogs at Barbecue Nation but before I could tell him that my mind was busy recollecting the time I had spent today with my friends in that restaurant. We ate as much as we could and we laughed. Only that now I wish I never had to have bitter things within me for the person sitting on the left side of me when I was there. I don't regret but he continues to hurt me.

Things have now come down to what Allah wants me to get when I go to the US consulate. Of course that day doesn't decide my life, but it surely will make a lot of difference. It can bring a major set-back to my living or just simply put me into the next gear of life. Allah knows best what's good for me. He decided that I should get admissions to University of Texas at Dallas (UTD) and University of Texas at Arlington (UTA) and I received admission letters from both these university within days after my application. InshAllah I will receive my I 20 in the next few days.

UTD is one of the very good universities in the United States. Though it is not a part of the Ivy League, it is respected a lot for the research work that is carried out there and the industry interface it has to offer. It is probably better than all the IITs of India. UTA is good too but not as good as UTD. Alhamdulillah things have been going very easy for me. InshAllah they will continue to be so and even better. I pray to Allah that I don't do anything which He has dislikes for.

I spent a lot of time at a book store today with my friends. Whenever I am at such places I get an urge to buy all the books there and take them home. It remains a different thing how much I read or how little I read, but I have always had this love for books and a wish to have read them all. There are apparently some good books I have read, but they don't constitute even a fraction of all the good that are there. There was a book in the shop about chocolates and love. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about it and what that book might have to tell. But I don't wish to read it. There are better books and people around!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Chocolate Smiles

Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages.
-Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past: Cities of the Plain, 1922
If maturity is what that can put us on the right path, then I wonder why so many men and women spend their whole lives in foolishness and why they never achieve maturity even when they reach old age. If maturity is such an important thing - so necessary that a person has to wait for it tell he is on his own, till he can be called an adult or till he can get married and have a family of his own - why is only age a requirement to be declared as an adult?

I see human beings killing each other, cheating each other, committing sins as if it's their duty, waging wars and killing innocent children, having pride even when they walk on a land created by Allah and wear clothes given to them by Allah; I see men hating men. Are these people mature? Even if they are millionaires, have families of their own, running big businesses or designing war-strategies? Maturity at times seems a myth. It's in the best of our interests to do what Allah asks us and the way He wants us to do it. Allah's book defines everything for us. We don't need maturity to go to heaven.

Some times I get worried about how blessed I am and how easy and perfect things have been made for me. I can never thank Allah enough. I am worried that I will get all the bounties in this world and burn in the rest of eternity. I have always asked Him for peace in both the worlds. All the good I see here is the acceptance of my prayers. Allah Himself will decide where I be once I am dead.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Death By Chocolate

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
-Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916
Imagine a box for chocolates with hardly any chocolates in it - filled with wafers, hard walnuts, black salt, some pieces of chocolate, some live pieces of coal, a few grams of black tar, a bit of confusion, a dash of disregard, a twist of excitement and the rest of the space as anger. That is what a part of my heart is right now. But I glad that I would only do what I find correct. I don't see that I have a right to be wrong but I see others who have a contention over that right. The rest of the part of course is chocolate.

I had a long and lovely time with two of my friends in the college today. We spoke, spoke and spoke. Then in the evening we went to Ohri's. It's kind of a meeting place for us - though we have many such places including college. I went to college today because I found it much better than staying home and sitting in front of some screens downloaded from the Internet. It's nice to have people around who are going to listen to us and to whom we find peace in listening.

It's many days now since I slept in the evenings. Once I spend some time on the computer, think about for a while, have some snacks and food in the evening I get fresh enough to keep myself going well till early morning. Yesterday I spelt after 3 am and while on the bed I was still wondering how much time it's going to take before the sun rises. It's ironic that I felt that because by the time I finally woke up it was 11 am. But there are bigger ironies - like the one I mentioned yesterday.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

My Chocolate

It's all a game to you isn't it? You roam from town to town, bedding merchants' wives and temple maids and you think you know something about love? What about your father's love? You spat on him when you brought her onto this ship! What about the love for your country!? You'd let Troy burn for this woman!? I won't let you start a war for her.
- Hector, Troy
The evening of Sunday was all spent with friends. A blurred plan to study was made almost a week back when a friend called me. I confirmed it and asked other friends too if they could come over. We studied for a while executing some programs and left for a ride when it was all dark outside. We went past many places before having biryaani and fruit juice and returned home to finish only one more program. I could see a change in one of my friends who was beating me with silly ignorable reasons all the while. I too tried keeping it silly by letting my actions remain devoid of annoyance.

I somehow felt that I knew why he was behaving that way imagining a simulation of how I would be if I were in his place - if I were him completely, growing up the way he grew, having the kind of people he has around him, and keeping a psychology he keeps. I hoped that I was being prejudiced and I was myself - I am so happy about this always, I don't have to keep any masks and neither do I have to call anybody as a liar. Just sometime back I pondering on how a habituated liar would always think of others as liars!

Yesterday evening I was trying to run some programs when my father said that my brother, mother and he were going out for a walk. I asked him if I could join them. He was fine with it but also pointed that I had to study. I didn't like him telling that but I knew he was right and I asked him to go without me. Sometime later after I finished some time with the programs I called up my father and the first thing he asked me was to come over to Softy Den for having ice creams. He had just reached that place walking and I joined them within minutes. I had chaat and chocolate ice creams till my stomach could let in no more. We had a walk back home taking a longer route. I had my dinner after 1 am.

And that was for the first time in the four years of my undergraduate studies that I practiced programs at home. With a friend's help some days back, I had installed the .NET environment of Visual Studio 2005. Sunday the same friend had taught me a few programs. Yesterday I ran them myself and tried to perfect them. For the first time I was all happy to the reach the college with seven out of ten programs finding me comfortable. The test today went like an almost cakewalk with viva being the fastest section.

Once again when I was with all my friends, I had this particular friend irritating me. He was throwing water on me with no reason I could judge - not even prejudice caught me and gave any help - and I was just taking him as a friend who was probably trying to have some fun. Later in the evening when he came to my home with others, he continued his weirdness. And it was when he said that he seriously wanted to talk to me that I understood what he had in his mind. In fact it was the same thing I thought I had speculated on Sunday. He was aggressive and said that he wanted to talk to my mother.

He said that I will have to prove my seriousness before he does. I simply couldn't help myself from thinking how he was still not 21 years in age - I found no reason to stop laughing the way he was talking but I was clear with what was happening. Then he said that he wanted to ask my father if I had really spoken to him about something serious a few days back. I immediately started dialing my father's number but stopped it. If I had called my father, if I had let my friend talk to my father, I wouldn't have been writing all this here. Instead it could have been a story of how I made a friend and how I lost him.

I could easily recollect a day almost a year-and-a-half ago when he came to my house in the evening, all red, angry, heated up and ready to fight me. I am sure that day his heart-beat was a lot above normal and there was an uncontrollable burst of anger within him for me. He had come to ask me something direct and scold me, or perhaps even beat me up, but after some initial conversations he had calmed down. That day he had come to a friend's house to fight him for being a good friend of another person.

Today he wanted to beat me, and he did it several times, he was angry with me, frustrated, he had no belief in what I was saying and he wanted proofs for what I had done and what I feel. Later when I thought about his behavior I wondered what on earth made him think that I would be lying about my talk with my father. I couldn't believe he wanted to talk to my mother and ask her to take care of her son. I have nothing much to talk to others about why he was like that, I am feeling pathetic that he - this very friend - was saying all this. I know tomorrow will be a new day for him and he will be fresh again. For me the next day starts in 20 minutes from now when the clock shows 12 and it hardly makes any difference to me.

I have always believed that when I have to fight a person, I need to fight what he has done and not what he is. It is easy to dig out all about people, bring their lives in front of them and even make them belief what they never were, it is easy to show others what people are just by using truth in its most humble form. I can do that with myself. All I need to do is paste some already written text here and my self-defamation would be done. But that won't help anybody. It would help me instead for I know how self-vilification works the opposite. But it is always bad to criticise a person for what he is; it is better that we go for what that person does.

But what if that person is a friend? What if I know that that person has been trying to fool me all these days? What if I know that he is somehow the only one of all my friends who cannot be trusted? I am not writing all this to tackle him. I love him, he is my friend. I am just in awe of these kinds of complex human behaviors - not just of my friend but of myself too. It's interesting how we respond to changes around us, to the people around us and most importantly, the change within us. I just need to learn to carry all this with me without letting it effect my objective.

I find myself so happy always that I am clear with my objectives and I do things that are compatible and in coherence with them. There is nothing I am into right now that would effect the course I plan to take to pursue and to get to my objective and forward it. There are my ideas and my logics and I appreciate all those who have their own. I respect all those who know what they want; and even those who don't know because that is simple human behaviour. I believe that not everything can be learnt from experiencing - we can't experience everything, or by the time we get to learn from them, it is already too late. I am my best teacher and my teaching tools are the people around me and the books written by wonderful men and women and the great book given to us by Allah. I really don't have to worry about what others ask me to prove.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Drunk On Chocolate

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.
-J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945
I had this rather nostalgic feeling when I woke up at 8:30 pm today. I was perfectly fine with my happiness giving no respects to any swinging moods. I blankly turned on the computer hoping to find some friends online. I checked mail, tried to understand why MSN messenger wasn't working, removed some applications I wasn't using since long and went through the dictionary of phrasal verbs to find the right word to put between 'Drunk' and 'Chocolate' for the title of this post. I came up with 'on' though found no help in the dictionary.

Today's test was a bag full of sleep and lethargy - I saw the questions, answered all of them to the extent I had read those topics, yawned before starting it and after ending and left the room humble and satisfied. We have not yet given the test for the first internal assessments though it was conducted several times. The lecturer had told us that we could write it later but we haven't heard from her. It seems like a joke that keeps laughing at itself whenever it sees any test being conducted for the final year students. Today a friend of mine studied when we explained him all the topics on the phone just 10 minutes before the test.

I was driven to madness when I started eating chocolate at a buffet today. Things started as temptation, developed into rage as the taste was irresistible and ended up as craze. It was partly an exaggeration on my behalf that I continued to pour in more chocolate into my throat after my belly was full but my heart was never satisfied. I was high on spirits and was indirectly encouraged by friends. I kept taking in as much as I could knowing that I might never get such a chance again. It was heavy but left me asking for more. The soft cake dipped in lusciously rich hot chocolate was simply sinful. I couldn't count how much I drank on it and the number of pieces I broke on my tongue. My mouth still waters.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Favor Chocolate

I learned the real meaning of love. Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people, you can set your watch by them. And that's love, even if it doesn't seem very exciting.
-Sylvester Stallone
The traffic during nights seems to have gone up near my house. The main road is the only route for people living around Gachibowli to reach the new airport with the outer ring-road still under construction. Contrary to what people have been telling, it is not any big task to reach the airport from here. The roads are wide and flat making things smooth. I am yet to pay a visit to the new place; all I know is from what I read and heard. I hear that things are much better that what we see in the pictures.

It was just after I crossed this orange-light lit street that my father prompted me to speak up about what I wanted to talk with him. I was somewhat nervous not knowing how he would react but once I started I relished the rest of the time I spent with him till I reached home. It was just another step into the kind of freedom my parents give me. In a way I didn't ask him anything which he could have refused, I only asked to get things advanced. He made it easy for me by not having me give explanations.

Yesterday my brother asked me if I don't have to study for the internal test which I was supposed to have today. I asked him "when do I have the test?". He replied "tomorrow". I explained "so I will study tomorrow". And so do I. I studied after I reached the college in the morning and I did the paper decently fair and satisfactorily; for me. I left the exam room in just 30 minutes getting inspired from how bravely my friend left. I was done with the answering and was waiting for somebody to make the move. I only continued and more people followed.