Like a dream come true ... but still a dream!

Yesterday night I was too flimsy to write anything. I had been to the college in the morning just to find that we had only one class to attend. I was in the college till 1:35 pm and left for my grandparents' house and was there till 5:40 pm. Then I had my class at CL.

My classmates were playing cricket and they asked me if I would join them. I wanted to play but I knew that it would make me tired and I had a long day ahead to be out. If I had played, I would have to wait in the college till 6 pm which, I felt, was foolishness. So, I left the college.

At CL I had analytical reasoning class. It was perhaps the most difficult of all the classes I have attended till date. We did detailed analysis of 3 problems and we were taught how to create charts and tables out of the raw and incomplete data given for any particular abstract.

Today I had english usage class. We worked on vocabulary building and had to form sentences out of given words too. I do not know if I should mention this or not, but I felt a little kiddish when the instructor put a 'good' for the sentences I formed. We were given a list of 20 word pairs and the 2 words in each of these pairs looked similar but had different meanings - we had to form sentences using each of these pairs in a single sentence. The class was a bit lengthy.

After coming home I didn't do anything but eating and sleeping. In the evening my father asked me to come with him to buy the sheep for tomorrow's Ied-Uz-Zuha. I refused: I didn't feel like going out into that stinky and dirty atmosphere. I was forced even by my mother but I kept myself home. My mother and brother went with him.

They bought 2 sheep - one each for oneselves. A few days back my mother was telling that she would be sending of her sheep to some orphanage but she didn't. I didn't even know how many we were going to buy. I didn't ask my parents anything - even if we were going to have anything tomorrow. I know nothing of anything except that I have to perform the wajib prayers tomorrow morning. I don't wish to know anything much.

Since the time I remember, I have been going along with my father every year to buy sheep. This is for the first time that I didn't go. I even wanted to break it. I did. I didn't do anything staying home - just made a visit to the chemist near by; had to get my mother's monthly medicines.

I don't feel like meeting anybody. I know people will come to my house tomorrow. We will be going outside in the evening - all as a formality. It would be a tortuous. I will learn to sustain. But things are becoming better day by day.

If i consider the Islamic Hijri calender, exactly one year back, this day I did something I will carry for long. The night after that day was miserable - I had a chat with a friend and I cried. The next few days were terrible. I was expecting the worst thing of my life. But nothing happened. But I had wanted something t happen - for good or bad - but it could have ended a few things and could have made the coming days better in someway!!!

Everybody seems to enjoy this thing called as 'New Year'. I do not understand what makes them so excited about it. The calender for me, this english one, is nothing more than just and index or a reference kind of thing. I do not know who originated it and when. But when I say this, I understand that it's my birthday too that I celebrate taking this calender into consideration - I just need an excuse to celebrate. And I celebrated. It was my birthday - new year has nothing to do with me.

My father has been invited by his friend to a party and my father is going there. Even my father needs an excuse. I won't talk to him on this. I have my own beliefs and my own ideas. Everyone has his/her own. I neither respect this time nor do I quibble about it.

All these months I have been told a lot about having close friends and people with whom I can share things - mostly through comments on my blogs. I have been advised - I thank those people for everything. But I can't trust anybody to extent that I can share everything within me.

I can never have a person called as best friend. The reasons are simply - every person has his or her own life and every person moves on - nobody if going to stay for me. At sometime the person may even share my things with others - every person will have priorities and their own very important people who would be more important to them than me. Its perfectly normal this way and I accept it happily. Even I may be that way.

I have already trusted some people - some friends and cousins. I have told them a lot about me. I have shared with them what I felt like, and to the point I am comfortable with. I have a few people to whom I have told a few things I never ever imagined that I would put them into words.

Sometimes I have kept no difference between a probable person who could ever be the most important person to me and these people with whom I have confided in- for some instance of time. I am too happy with the way these people have treated me in return. I thank all of them. I hold different perceptions, ideas and emotions towards each of them. Should anybody need me, I will give my best to be there. InshAllah.

I feel inferior to some people. Basically because I feel that they are more intelligent than me and that I can trust them. I like taking advices from them - I easily digest any criticism they put on me.

I somehow feel that I am becoming a difficult person day by day. Perhaps I have become a little casual towards the way I am treating people. Perhaps now I even have people who would be hating me - I do not know. I may be wrong but it can always be the other way around.

I also feel that I was a bit rude in the last few days; I have spoken things without thinking anything - leave alone the possible results of my rudeness. I hope nothing has changed with that. I hope no person has changed his/her view toward me because of a different attitude I have shown. I intend to correct myself - only that I must realize things properly.

Are we strangers?

It was a better day for me. Perhaps because I didn't spend much time at home. I had been out to buy some books in the evening with 2 of my friends and so, I reached home by 9:40 pm. I went to Koti to buy books for this semester. I even had a 'cutlet-ragda' at Gokul - I chose not to take curds with it.

After college hours in the afternoon I played cricket. I didn't get to bat neither did I bowl. I just did the fielding part of the game and I enjoyed. It was fine but I would have enjoyed having a bigger part in the match my team - the team I was a part of!

A few minutes back I ended up writing a small poem on the same topic I have written on yesterday.

Strangers again...
My lips loose your name
You're no more in my eyes
For me it is of no surprise
You are a forgotten dream
Like a one I have never seen
The pain you caused to me
Whispers into me softly
A new day has now begun
And my world has again spun
I shall never again cry in pain
We are strangers now… once again…

I wrote it as a comment on the blog of a visitor to my blog. She happens to be a friend of my friend and it was actually an article by her which I read and ended up writing the first poem. This second one was after I read her new poem today.

Somehow I felt that things were a little better today - actually, a lot better. Alhamdulillah. And JazakAllah Khairan. "Positive" is always the idea. Humans need each other.

Tears don't cry

Three of my friends visited me at my house. I was just thinking today evening about the time that has passed since I had any friend visiting home. And they were here!

Today I thought of playing cricket after the college but didn't get the right thing - 2 of my confused me with what I should do. I think it was nice that I didn't play. I reached home at 4:35 pm and took some rest. To be precise - I didn't know what to do - I took things for granted and wasted a lot of time in the college. We were left 30 minutes early.


Celebrating Ied-uz- Zuha is a compulsion - the morning prayer is Wajib and the sacrificing of the sheep is Faraz. These 2 will be the only things I would be doing on Monday. I won't call it a celebration. Every person greeting me would give me pain - I know this is bad. I am tired of faking smiles.

I wrote a poem today and posted it on Gridlocked. My cousin wrote a post on our trip to Guntur and posted it on our family blog - http://timmapuris.blogspot.com . I read a few blogs today - the few I have been visiting lately without any knowledge of who is writing them. I even commented at a couple of places.

All I see at home is silence. I do not call it as peace. I hate whatever it is and I can't bear it for long. Allah is there. He knows everything better than anybody else. I wish I could just sit and talk to Him and hear from Him that everything would be fine someday and all this is just a nightmare.

2 decades, I suppose, are enough to teach people how to adjust, understand and forgive. If they fail, then more than themselves they would hurt others. And all these 'others' can do is wait, watch and cry. Allah will show the light - as always. "Positive" is the idea.

I am not able to see the road ahead ... but I am walking

On one of my previous posts somebody left a detailed explanation of the MIM party of Hyderabad. I didn't read it fully, I didn't accept it, I didn't reject it, I do not know what to do with it. I have no problem with that thing as a comment on my blog, but I do not support that party as such. I have no much idea of the truth. So, it will remain as an unmoderated comment with the blog unless I come to know who posted it. I would appreciate to have the knowledge of that person basically because the comment has nothing to do with me or my blog. It is wide off the beam.

I was late by a few minutes to the college but the lecturer let me in without asking anything. She was asking questions to each of the students and I felt embarrassed telling her that it was the first of her class that I was attending and I can't answer anything now. She didn't ask or tell anything but I could hear some laughs in the class. Interesting. But nice to know I can make people laugh even with something serious.

I had planned of buying some books today taking a friend along with me but it didn't happen. I didn't feel like going and the reason I gave him was that it was getting late in the evening. On my way back home I had another friend with me. He was talking and I was listening with some comments in between from my side. Thanx to him for keeping the conversation alive even when I was a little cold and not responding.

I finally read the blog posting of 2 of my friends. I wasn't getting the right time and mood to read anything - I got it today!

Today a friend asked me to upload the pics taken when I went to Guntur. I will do it whenever I feel like. My cousin has already put up a few, from the ones he has taken with his camera, on our family blog. I will do it later - maybe in a day or two.

A Bookmark On My Life

Yesterday night my mother did something and I told her that there is nothing she can do more than that. I was about to leave when my father put his arms around me and consoled me. I was crying. There were no thoughts of any past and of any future. It was then, and it was making all the difference. I was shouting at the pitch of my voice - I didn't care who else other than my parents and my brother was listening. They meant nothing to me because those who meant everything were in front of me. Apart from these 3 people, I was thinking of 2 more and was in tears. Friends, relatives, acquaintances ... nothing seemed relevant or important.

A few hours before that when we were leaving my aunt's house after having dinner, my eldest cousin sister asked me to take care of my mother. I said 'yes' even though it seemed a little strange to me that she had to ask me for that. Later I understood that she already knew several things. Out of all my cousins from my father's side she is the closest to my mother.

I know these words are making no sense to anybody. How much I wish I had some person - a friend - with whom I could share everything and relieve myself of the pain I have inside me. I felt lonely yesterday; I feel the same way now. I have nobody I can sit and talk to about this. I can't share it with anybody. I know it's only my sister who got married a few days back with whom I can talk on this and she will come online only after 11th of January; but I wouldn't want to trouble her with all this. She will be there in US with her husband.

I write all this with only one reason - some years later when I read my old blogs, I will know that I was in this state on this particular day. Not that I will forget what happened yesterday - I can forget myself but not that. I write this just to put a bookmark on my life. I may see worse moments in the days to come. I pray to Allah that everything becomes fine and I am happy. It has nothing to do with my friends or anybody outside home.

Last Sunday I had a term assessment test at Career Launcher. I didn't prepare anything for it but still attempted it. It was a 2 and a half hour test but I did what I wanted to in just 2 hours and left. My friend did the same thing too. I was satisfied with the way I attempted the questions in considerations to what all I had studied till now. I didn't attend the analysis class after that. Not even the Sunday's class. I was on my way to Guntur.

Sunday morning I woke up at 6:30 am and started the preparations. By the time everything was ready it was 8:30 am and we were at my uncle's house at Surya Nagar at 8:45 am. They were waiting for us and we were already late. We started of immediately. My uncle had hired an air conditioned bus with 2 televisions in it. It was a Volvo ... very very comfortable and completely sealed with glass.

We took the ring road and took the exit from Hyderabad via Rejendranagar. A few kilometers from Ramoji Film city we took a stop for snacks (break fast) at a restaurant. I don't know if restaurant is the exact word but its close to what that place actually was!

It was connected to a Reliance petrol station and it was a wonderful place with a beautiful scenic location and well built structure. We had some south Indian food there and took some photographs. All through the journey and even in Guntur I didn't miss any opportunity of taking nay pics except once - on our return journey we took a stop for lunch at some village where we had meals on 'pathrolis'. There were several curries including 'saambar' and also a bowl of curds which I didn't even prefer to look at. When we stopped at that place, I asked my father if there could be some alternative to that food - he asked me to search for McDonalds. I tried looking around for some bakery but with no success. The hotel smelled of all milk and curds and I did not want to sit there. I was hungry and had to eat something.

While we were in the Volvo bus we saw a telugu movie - 'Athadu'. We coudln't watch the last part as the CD wasn't available. This telugu movie's CD was all that was avalable in the bus. There was no other option. At the Reliance station we bought some CDs of video songs but didn't watch them completely - we were busy enjoying in the back seats of the bus. There were 3 - 4 cell phones, an i - pod and lost of music. My niece and nephew were entertaining us with their dances and we were enjoying bugging them.

I sat most of the time with my cousin who is from Deccan college and rest of the time with 2 others one of whom looks similar to 'Athadu' - Mahesh Baabu in that movie! We have been using that name for him since then.

Several times I tried to sleep but couldn't. I thought about many things and tried to think all those things in many ways. I was watching at the fields we were driving past. They were so well organized into parts - squares, rectangles and other designs, with plants and saplings planted in perfect rows and columns that appeared to be flowing against as we were moving past them.

The plants close to the road seemed to flow very fast. The ones a little away seemed to be a little lazy. Those far appeared to be crawling away from us. The ones very far seemed to be stationery for a lot time before we had to get away from them ourselves. I compared this to different people in our life - some that stay for long and some that move away quickly. Someday everybody leaves and all that matters is we, ourselves and nobody else.

We reached Guntur around 5 pm. My cousin's husband was there to receive us at the hotel - Hotel Annapurna, near the bus stand. It was very close to their house in Guntur and also to the function hall where we had the reception.

My cousin's husband is one of the sweetest and the most shy people I have ever met. He received us at the hotel, then took us to the function hall for our lunch - was there to look after us, even while the reception was on he was there to take care of the serving of food while we were eating - all this in his own reception! The next day too he was with us till we left the town.

Almost everyone of us took our suits and jackets for the function along with us in the bus. There, at the reception, along with the host, we were the only people wearing such clothes. It looked odd to me with so many people staring at me - as if I am an alien or some different human being. But I liked it - I was being looked at.

The style in which the food was served was a bit different - not like the kind of tables in chairs we have in Hyderabad. There were several tables arranged in a line with chairs on only one side. The food was served from the other side by waiters who were carrying large containers with them. There were continuously moving around asking us if we want that particular dish they were serving. It was different, but it was good.

After the dinner I had detailed discussion on this with a cousin and an uncle. Before having this talk I wasn't happy with this style. But my uncle said wonderful things to me. The most important thing was that by opting for this way wastage of food can be reduced almost to null. Also that people will have in their plates only what they need in the quantity they need. There was a lot spoken of on this and I was satisfied.

I learnt a lot form this. I learnt how simple people live in small towns and villages but still they are so good and beautiful with their heart. We living in cities waste so much and yet aren't contended with even the best we get. Those people give us so much respect and concern when we visit their place and we are exactly opposite of that. But I fond many things very confusing.

When my cousin's husband was looking after the serving of the food, the waiter put 3 pieces of chicken on my uncle's plate. My uncle said that he wanted only 2 and one would be wasted. My cousin's husband was there and he simply took one of the pieces and he ate himself. I wasn't there to see that but when my uncle told me about this, I realized that my sister couldn't have had a better person than him as her husband. My uncle said he was highly impressed of this.

This may seem a little weired that he takes the piece and eats it but that is what goodness is all about. He didn't want anything to be wasted and he respected my uncle. He knew my uncle didn't want to eat it. he knew it wouldn't be nice to force anybody to eat. I don't know how to frame what exactly I feel on this but I am very happy.

After that we had the photo session when I finally got to meet my sister. I couldn't meet her on the wedding day. I couldn't even wish her and congratulate her that day. Sunday, I did. She came to meet all the elders and after that she stood for a while with my and my cousin. We asked her a few things, she told a few things, we teased her and she also told us that everybody other than people at home talk in telugu and she is finding it real hard to understand a thing. I asked her to com online as soon as possible so that I can teach her a little telugu!

I was glad that she came to talk to us. It was not at all a formality. There were many people around and she could have sat at one place with her head down. I wanted to talk to her badly - just to feel that she is there and she was there! I had even prayed that I get to talk to her personally before she leaves for US. I even had a good talk to her husband - he is wonderful.

After all that few of us - including me and my father - started for the hotel on foot. We waled through the empty road. My father wanted to have tea and it was 1 am. We were searching for some hotel when somebody told us to go inside the bus-stand. It was a big place. The entrance looked somewhat like an entrance to a subway. The tea we had was far better than what we were being served at the hotel we were staying.

We returned back and by the time I slept, I am sure, it was 2:15 am. In the morning we had planned to visit my cousin's house once before leaving for Hyderabad. We had our breakfast at the hotel and reached her house. Now we had another bus - it was air conditioned but not a Volvo. But it was good enough except that we were falling short of 2 seats. We adjusted somehow.

The bus didn't take us to the house. We had to walk almost a kilometer through a narrow street that took us to a bigger place - that was probably a vegetable market. We crossed that place to reach her house. I was glad to meet her again. This time it hardly seemed that she had been married just a few days back. There were some cool drinks bottles and I casually told her that she should serve us as we are visitors to her house. few minutes later I saw her serving sweet to everybody! She was surely at home.

I even told her about the pain I am having on the right side of my upper jaw. She asked me to go to a dentist for a check up if the pain continues for some more time. It was nice being there - it was worth that walk. It was rightly termed by one of my cousins - "jihad to meet your sister"!

We started from Guntur at 1 pm. We stopped at that hotel to have food on the leaf-plates. The journey was very slow and we couldn't enjoy the way we did while going. We listened to some music and tried to sleep. I couldn't. I had several things in my mind - even tears.

I can never forget the tears I saw in my sister's eyes. She and her husband came to see us off and she was standing outside the bus. Tis particular bas had small narrow windows and I spoke to her a little from there. My other cousins were all resting on me to talk to her from that window. She had tears - she had just met her parents. I asked her "you are crying". She said "keep quiet, don't tell". Later I realized I should have called he husband who was standing near by - but may be I think I did good by not calling him; she asked me to stay quiet. She told my other cousin that she was crying because we were leaving. I can never forget those tears.

It was a good trip. I got things to learn, I got time to spend with everybody and most importantly - I met her. I am happy for everything. Everything up to what happened before I reached home yesterday night. I can't talk on that with anybody and it hurts me a lot.

Today my mother told me that she lives for me me and my brother and we all should be happy. I am happy. Fine. But everything is incomplete and things are to be set right. My parents are happy with me - they said they love me and they need me. I need them too - even my brother. Things look foggy now - I do not know whats happening. Allah knows everything and I should accept everything he gives and takes away. He is my creator and we are all His slaves.

Today I went to the college but missed the first class. I finished my sleep then left home. It was simple day - I smiled, laughed, went to have a burger in the afternoon - calm, but had everything in my mind. I took a nap after coming home but didn't go to the gym. I need to manage time, need to cut on computer usage. I even wrote an article for MJ Communique.

Friday

Though I was online for quiet sometime today, I didn't feel like writing anything. I went to the college for no special reason and ended up watching a movies after the Friday prayer - "Bhagam Bhaag". I didn't like the movie. Even my friends didn't.

Yesterday night, the marriage function was all over by 12:30 am. I was on bed at 1 am but still continued with my sleep in the morning till 10:30 am. I could have come to the college to attend the classes. I do not know what kept me home! I felt bad for missing the class.

Yesterday almost all day I was at the function hall with my cousins. It was a tiring day but well spent. There is a lot I have to write on all this. Even about the test I had at CL last Sunday. I will be missing classes this weekend.

A trip to the Police Station

We were at McDonald's today afternoon to celebrate a friend's birthday. We had a good time there. Some shopping too was included. I will write on this tomorrow. Something bad happened after that - my friend's bike was toed away by the traffic police to Panjagutta Police Station. We had to pay 200 bucks and take it bad. It was surely a bitter experience for him. I waited outside the police station. I left for the gym the moment I came home at 6:45 pm. In a few minutes I will be leaving for a valima function.

Monday Morning!

I was awake from 6 am in the morning just trying to take a nap but in vain. I couldn't wake up for fajar even though I was on bed around 1 am. I reached college at 9:15 am hurrying from home starting at 8:25 am.

Yesterday afternoon when I reached home at 1 pm I didn't know that my parents were planning to go out for some card distribution. I asked my father if I could join them. He didn't agree at first but I told him that he should take me to meet all these people because even though they are relatives close enough, we hardly meet them. He agreed. He not only agreed to take me but also asked my brother to come with us. He didn't come as he had a test today.

We first went to my father's ancestral house at Aga Pura. We met 3 of his uncles - my grandfather's younger brothers. I was quiet all the time while my parents and the hosts were recollecting old days and old people - lost, forgotten, remembered and loved. It was like a reunion.

My father's grandfather had 3 wives and my grandfather was the eldest of all the children. When my father was a child he used to live at Shaanti Nagar. After each of my father's brothers started leaving India, they shifted to Salarjung Colony. Many people took their own ways and some people left us forever. People who used to live together met only in years - now a days we were meeting a little regularly - at some marriages of my distant cousins about whom I hardly know. Even when they are spoken of, none of them are referred with their names - it is just said that so and so person is so and so person's son or daughter.

The same thing happened yesterday. When my parents were asking everybody personally to come to my cousin's marriage, never was my sister's name used. My aunt's name was the only name referred. They won't be coming to attend my sister's marriage. They will be attending the marriage of my aunt's eldest daughter who is some unknown girl for all of them.

Even I was the same kind of person there. I was just referred as the son of my father. Never was my name asked - just about what I was doing/ studying. It was unbelieving to know that all these people knew my father and also that my father knew so many people. My father remembered the old neighbors living at Aga Pura.

From there we went to King Koti to meet my father's uncle who is a pretty famous Gastroenterologist. He is the HOD of some department in Osmania College and has also published several research papers. According to what we knew, he was supposed to be available at his house only on Sundays. He wasn't there. My father's aunt received us. It was again a recollection of old things with my father asking about some old people and she telling us about some old people. I recognized nobody and also didn't stress much on anything.

From there we came back to Mehdipatnam to meet an aunt of my father. She happens to be related to us through 2 relations - both of them far enough to be invited for the wedding, but we meet so frequently at functions outside home that they are closer to us than many other people. But we rarely meet at any of our houses.

She is probably the most jovial person I know in my family and elsewhere. She talks till other drop and she says everything, everything frankly. Even she told us about some (some I know and many I do not know) people who too she said should be invited. My father said he will get to them at the earliest. She knows me - from my face, though not b my name. Her sons (my father's cousins) know me well. One of them is a doctor and we meet too frequently - never at home.

We gave a few more cards and reached home at 5 pm. Then we had the marriage function to attend. I slept at 1 am.

Today my parents went to Noor Khan Bazaar to distribute a few more cards. I wanted to go with them but they already left before I reached home from college. It was my first day at the college this semester.

I was a bit relieved to know that our HOD wont be teaching us any subject. It was also a nice sight at the time-table with nothing on Fridays after 12:30 pm. I was tired by the time I reached home and took a nap. Then my father was searching his old-coin collection. I know we have kept it somewhere very safely and just forgotten about it. I will find it out in a day or to. I am sure the collection is safe.

I have done a similar thing with few more things that were supposed to be kept safe. One such thing was a small paper on which a friend of mine had signed and given it to me. Similar papers were given to other friends too and I do not know if they still have it. I remember keeping it somewhere very safe at my house itself - I have forgotten where. I guess now I can recollect several stashed things, a big list ... pity me for this week memory. Though some things may be not-so-important, but they are supposed to be preserved.

Tomorrow there is a reception to be attended. Then its the pre-marriage ceremonies on Wednesday. I plan to have a ball with my cousins. But all this will give me a guilt for I will be missing classes at the college.

Not getting time ... :D

Yesterday I was out all day with friends till 6:10 pm and then had the class at Career Launcher. After that I was at my aunt's house to join the discussion: how to go about with my cousin sister's marriage? It was something like distribution of responsibilities among ourselves. It was nice being there. I came home at 11:10 pm and slept at 2:15 am. I woke up at 8 in the morning and left for the class at CL. I had a test there and it was interesting! That's all about the till till now. I will write on that later :D ... I returned home around 1 pm and left with my parents for some work at 2:30 pm.

The work: I went out with my parents to distribute the invitation cards of my sister's wedding to some people we don't meet often. It was a nice experience with my parents inviting everybody personally. These people are usually the one whom we get to met once in a blue moon - at some weddings of distant relatives. I will write more on this. It was just my parents and me going around; my brother was at home studying.

I have my classes from tomorrow. I have a wedding party to attend today. And the reception is on Tuesday. It's the wedding of father's cousin's daughter. I am busy the whole week after that.

Allergy puts me on a hospital bed

I still have some swelling on the top of my left hand which was caused due to inserting the intravenous needle to inject glucose into me. Along with that I was given 3 injections just in the gap of very few seconds. Presently I am on medication to cure me of the allergy I had today morning.

Yesterday night I slept around 2:30 am. After fajar I had a few biscuits and peanuts as there was no bread at home. I slept after that but was awaken by some cough around 7 am. It was painful. I felt as if something, probably mucous, had filled my lungs and whenever I coughed, it gave me severe pain in the chest. I simply couldn't endure it though I lay on the bed for sometime. Then I had to slip out of the bed and have some cough syrup. This was the first time I had such cough and I am never going to forget it.

But this was not enough. In a few minutes I began seeing some rashes on my left arm. They were something like boils and were itching. It began with my left hand and spread all over my body. I felt like crying. I couldn't stop myself from scratching myself. My skin everywhere was red and had hardened due to the rashes. It was burning everywhere. I had to scratch even my hair and palms and there was no respite for more than 30 minutes. I am not exaggerating it.

I found it disgusting to be that way. I hated my skin for what it had turned into. I wasn't feeling like touching my own body but I had to - to scratch. Even when now I recall how I was feeling then, I have creeps all over my body and my hair straightens up. While scratching my right arm, I suddenly found some blood coming out of the skin. I somehow had to stop scratching. This was even more painful and all I could do was think of crying.

When I was in my 9th standard I once suffered from measles and it had fever going beyond 104 F. It was very bad and it had made me very week. Today it was worse. Along with the itching, I had some uncomfortable feeling in the stomach, pain in the chest, giddiness and breathlessnesses. I was feeling myself week too.

I asked my brother to get me avil tablets and a bottle of benardyl. He made 2 round and found no medical shop opened. My mother was initially a little busy with preparing lunch for my father. Then my father left asking me to take care of myself. I felt bad that he left. But he was getting late. My brother helped me a lot. At 9 am my mother got ready and he got an auto-rickshaw to house. Along with my mother I went to my father's aunt who is a doctor. She own a hospital at Nanal Nagar. After seeing me she immidiately asked the sister to give me those injections and put me on drip.

I remember, when I was in 7th standard I had pains in my shoulders. They were enough to keep me on bed for 2 full days. It was then that I had taken injection before today. Going back to that day, I can clearly recollect the way I was refusing to take any injection and was rolling on the floor crying. All this at my grandmother's (father's aunt) clinic. I feel embarrassed whenever I think of this or when my parents narrate this to anybody.

But today I was fine. It was painful only for a fraction of second and there was nothing after that. The IV needle was a bit uncomfortable. It didn't ache much; just that while inserting it into my skin I was like "sssss"! I felt some discomfort thinking about that more-than-half-inch thing into my skin!

For the first time n my live my blood pressure was checked. It was below normal and for that reason I had to be put on drip. It was 100 x 70. After the complete bottle was injected into me, it was 110/70 and this according to my grandmother is normal for me at that moment of time.

My eyes were swollen. My face had become heavier and I was not able to see things properly. My face looked like what Wills Smith looked in the movie 'Hitch' when he gets allergic to some food he has. Hehe ... but I am not kidding. I wish I could take a few pics of mine but I was busy with scratching. I once thought that I would be scratching myself to death - this reminded me of the movie 'Saw' ... kidding this time!

This was the worst ever thing I had ever felt physically. But alhamdulillah it was for a very short time. I was perfectly file while leaving the hospital at 11:20 am. I have been asked to restrain myself from having chicken, potatoes, brinjal, fish and eggs for 8 days. This is going to hit me hard - I eat 2 eggs almost daily, I eat chicken from outside frequently and with my cousin's wedding around here, I am going to miss everything. Just eating mutton is hopeless. I have to keep away from bananas too - I usually eat 2 to 3 a day!

My grandmother's hospital's name is National Hospital and Diagnostic Center. It was started by my grandfather. He expired 10 years back. Now, she and my father's cousin manage it. Most of us call her 'sweet aunty'. This is for quite a few reasons - her name is close to the word 'sweet' and of course she is very very sweet with her face, voice and the things she says. :)

At 1 pm a friend came to meet me. We were together till 3:10 pm then I slept again - I had already missed a lot of sleep.

Now, I am perfectly fine and it is as if nothing has happened to me. I can't believe I have seen this today. But thanks to Allah that it was simple and easy to cure. This thing being new, I was afraid that something very bad would happen. It was just some severe allergy. I do not know what caused it.

While in fajar I was just thinking to myself what I would be writing for this blog today. I got this thing to write on ... lols. Everything gives something. I am blessed - as always. Alhamdulillah. :)

Today I was supposed to workout for my shoulders and triceps. I will stay home and take rest. Just to take some rest - an excuse sometimes!!!

This was also the first time that I had to lye on a hospital bed. Actually the bed was in her clinic itself and I didn't have to go upstairs to the rooms. Lying there I imagined so many silly things. I was feeling sleepy to but I had to keep my wrist straight so was disturbed with the micro - naps I was getting.

Even falling ill attracts lot of attention from many people - relatives and friends. I don't lie such kind of importance given to me. It is enough that I am prayed for and all I do is just say JazakAllah Khairan.

My father just got the daily requirement of bread for me. It is packed in pink! :D

This day will soon be forgotten. But memories will remain - as things that happen for the first times. Many times happen for the first times in our lives and it is at times nice that they happen. They help learn more. I don't want anybody to feel what all I felt today. It was terrible.

Distance, respect and honor

I do not know when I am going to sleep today. It was at 4 am yesterday after I had a chat with a friend on several things. I woke up after 11:30 am and had a nap in the afternoon. Along with my breakfast I had "I,Robot" - I watched that movie. Yesterday I had left it after viewing the first 50 minutes.

I didn't do anything the rest of the day. My mother was here and she left for some work at 4:30 pm and my father came home at 5:50 pm. It was all boring until I was reminded that I had to go for my suit's trial. It struck me only when I heard my father's footsteps coming up home. I went to the gym early and left for the tailor at 8:30 pm. I called a friend and he accompanied me. I reached home at 9:45 pm and there was nobody home. My parents and my brother had gone out for some shopping. I waited outside with my friend.

My father didn't watch television today. Instead he sat with my brother in front of the computer watching Dhoom - 2. And for this reason I couldn't come online all this time. All evening it was my brother using the computer. He hardly used to spend anytime this way but I guess I need to safeguard a few things on my system which are stored openly everywhere. I just get the feeling that my computer is no more my private. It is not that my brother does anything other than playing some games (he is playing 'rise of nations' now a days), but still I need to be cautious. And of course, there is nothing for me to hide from him but I would not like him going through my files without knowledge! I have no problem in sharing my whole computer with anybody ... just that I need to know what is being seen!

So, today for the 3rd time I had to see this ridiculous movie - Dhoom 2. I had to sit there - living room is the place I spend most of my time.

It admit I am a bit excited about my new suit. I have had 4 of them till now - 2 black; but this is the first time I am getting one stitched. I do not know how it feels to have one stitched to perfection with exact fittings - exclusively made for me. There are of course many on the way!

Today my cousin came to visit us here along with my uncle and aunt. I wasn't home - had been to the gym. This is the second time in just one month that they were here at my house and I wasn't home. It's just a coincidence but I am really sad about that. She has left for Gulbarga again after leaving from house and will come back again in a day or 2. I wish Allah gives some very positive coincidences to make me happy. I have to talk to her ... just to feel that she is there as my support. She knows it!

I like it when somebody gives importance to me - and I know I am important when things are shared with me: things that are supposed to be kept under ones pillow. Allah has blessed me with such people but the distance always saddens me. And it keeps increasing. Not physical distance, but the distance between the conversations I have with these people. But the number of such people for me never increases. It even decreases at times. I know I sound weired but I mean all this!

Presently I feel a little lonely. It will change soon - in a few hours - as it always does. I am blessed.

Purr ...

I was already feeling too lazy to write for today. Yesterday I had not written anything in the evening though a little in the noon. After writing that, I left for my grandparents' house. I had no specific reason but I thought I could do some reading there. Staying at home is a bit distorting. There all I could read was around 20 pages. That's it!

Then my aunt had to collect some test reports from Vikram Diagnostics at Ameerpet. There were 2 CT scans my 8 year old cousin brother had undergone. I accompanied my aunt as it was late in the evening already. The reports were almost normal and everything is fine. After taking them we had to make a visit to a doctor. The clinic is at Banjara Hills. By the time I reached home, it was 9 pm. I rushed to the gym after that.

Today I started the 3-day routine at the gymnasium. Until now I was making some rounds of regular exercises just to get into the rhythm. Today I worked out for chest muscles and arms. I had to do them in a hurry as it was getting late and that place closes at 10 m. Tomorrow I will go for the lats routine. Then it would be for shoulders and triceps.

I am afraid that I may get too lazy again and become a fool enough to stop doing the workouts. I have done such a thing before - I went there for 6 months; irregular and in fully disturbed routines. I did make something out of it but it was lost pretty soon. InshAllah this time around I will be regular and make good progress.

Yesterday night I didn't sleep - of course I don't sleep at nights - I sleep early mornings. I went to bed at 4:15 am. This was after a long chat I had with a friend. It was great having that chat. I am glad I have a friend like that. I dread getting away from everybody once my engineering ends. I am already missing my friends - I do not know how I may feel once the left over 17 months get over. I still remember my first day to the college - it was a math class and I was late; I had to take the last seat but I was glad when people came even after me and sat behind me!

Today morning I woke up at 11 am but was in the bed till 11:30. My mother was asking me to get up every few minutes and that kept me awake. My mother is on a 10 day leave - she has taken the available privilege leave she gets at her office. She will be spending the time relaxing, taking my grandparents' for their medical check-ups, shopping and of course my sister's marriage.

My cousin sister is here now at Hyderabad. There is some function on 20th and the marriage is on 21st. The reception in Guntur is on 24th. I wonder how I will feel missing classes at college right in the first week.

After waking up I went along with my mother for some shopping. She wanted to buy a few things for herself for the wedding function. We were at Chandana Brothers, Ameerpet, for more than an hour. It was a tough time for me. She was constantly asking my opinions on the sarees she was selecting and I had to answer something just to keep her heart. But the sarees she bought had my consent! I had integrity in my words when I appreciated them ... :D It was an experience!

After that we went to my grandparents' house, spent some time there, and reached home just at the time of magrib. I didn't do much after that. I have been thinking of writing a few things but not getting the right motivation. I just need to start ... need to fight out my laziness and foolishness. Tomorrow I have to go for my suit's trial. I need to be there before 5 pm. I already don't feel like going... simply!

I don't feel like reviewing any of my posts for mistakes once I write them.

Bread and Butter

I was awake to 3 am in the morning. For the last few days I have been getting hungry after fajar so around 6 am I am having a few slices of bread with butter. This is just enough to keep things fine till 9 am. Hunger starts again. My meals and their timings have been messed up lately. I am worried about how things will go when colleges start.

Yesterday I was at home and didn't go anywhere during the day time. A few friends came to meet me in the afternoon and late night. I had a long chat wit a friend just before I went to bed. During the day time I uploaded around 65 pictures to flickr.com and hosted them their sot hat they can be put up in the wordpress blog my friend has now. A few more things are left to complete the procedure. Some irrelevant code form the posts needs to be deleted and this pics are to be categorized.

Today morning at 9:30 am 2 of my friends came to my house. I was sleeping when they came. They had been to a gym together just before coming. Something which I have been doing for the past one month!!! But I missed several days due to exams and other reasons including laziness. I have picked up the rhythm now and I can feel the changes within me. Some weeks back, in the title of one of my blog postings, I have mentioned that I am hiding something. This was what I was hiding - I simply didn't feel like telling about it to anybody.

Today, in sometime I will be leaving for my aunt's house. I want to read some book and I know I can't o it staying at home. Internet is a very big distraction to me and I can't stop myself from staying online especially when any of a few close friends are online.

Sunday

In the morning I left home at 8:40 am for CL. I had the third class for Reading Comprehension. The night before I had hardly slept. I was at my cousin's place and came back home at 2 in the morning. I had just 4 slices of bread with butter in the morning and went to the class.

I has half asleep while reading those 6 passages. My reading speed was around 215 words per minute when it is supposed to be at least 400 words per minute. We have been assigned to read a book every 10 days and write a review on it and mail it to the in-charge. We wont' be allowed to attend the classes if don't do this. I wonder how I am going to keep with this!

I was very hungry while in the class. I had a burger and cool drink at McDonalds with my friend who is with me at CL. From there I went to my cousin's house again. In some minutes we left for the mosque. It was Alamgir Masjid at Shanti Nagar. It also had a very big grave yard. Even I am supposed to go there! I already had a discussion with my father on this. We have also decided to book our slots!!! :D

I saw the complete procedure of burying the dead body. I have seen it before several times. After that I went to visit my aunt's grave. Almost all my expired relatives are here in this place. I like spending time in this mosque. But unfortunately, it is pretty far from my house - 5 kilometers at least.

After coming home at 4 pm I slept for more than 3 hours. It was necessary for me. Even when I was at my grandparents' house I slept a for a little longer than usual. But it was not sufficient. That night I slept at 12!!!

I didn't do much after waking up. Just got some chicken for dinner and had a heavy meal. Even the lunch was heavy. It was at my cousin's house itself. It was simple 'khidchi', 'bagaara khaana' and 2 types of 'daal' along with 'tamaatey ki chutney'. It was cooked by many people at their respective homes and brought here. JazakAllah kahiran. JazakAllah kahiran for my cousin's friend too who helped us a lot. He did a lot more work than me.

Most probably tomorrow I won't have any disturbance at home. I will be alone. I will do some reading and sleep a little extra. I still don't know how I will be spending the day. I just hope I don't waste it sitting in front of the computer.

Saturday

I came back from CL just around 20 minutes back and was planning a few things when my father got a call from his elder brother informing about the demise of my cousin's grandmother. She was the mother-in-law of my father's younger sister. She had cancer and was undergoing treatment at Indo-American Cancer Hospital. I will be leaving for my cousin's place in a few minutes. I may be there overnight as the funeral will be in fajar.

Earlier today one of my friends visited me and we did a few things for a blog he wanted to have. It is http://mjcc.wordpress.com . I had to do some uploading for that and I will be doing it when I get time tomorrow. I even ave my class tomorrow and I do not know how I will be managing things.

I completed the changes and the updating I had to make to Flowing Emotions. I had to add all the links and blog rolls. It too a lot of time as there was some error with the HTML codes that were making the blog appear in a weired way in IE 7. It was fine with Mozilla Firefox. I had to do a lot of experimenting with the codes. I even added Google META tags to 4 blogs. They will help me get higher page ranks and better placings in search results. I found these features under the webmaster tools from Google itself.

I didn't spend much time with the beta version of blogger I have just moved on to but what all I have seen till now is very nice. The dashboard has many details and direct access to some setting options is very well placed and designed. The time taken for the posts to get published has been reduced. This even helps in reducing some publishing errors that used to irritate me.

I feel you creeping, I can see you from my shadow ... hehe

Yesterday when I was in the hospital, I called my friends and informed them that I would be joining them a little late. I was at Hope hospital. My 7 year old cousin brother had some sinus problem so the doctor had asked him to stay at the hospital overnight for further analysis. Later it was diagnosed that it was malaria and nothing else. He is back home.

From the hospital I took my grandmother back to her house. From there I called my friend again. He said they were already at KFC. I asked them to continue with their meal and call me up once they are done so that I can catch up with them later for hukaa. They didn't call me. I was 7:15 pm when I had this talk on phone.

I still had my shoes on and kept waiting for them. It was 9:00 pm when 2 of them came to pick me up. They told me several things but the first thing I asked them was if we are going to coffee day to have hukka or not. There was no positive word from them. I was already hungry so I asked them to take me to a place at least where I can fill my stomach. They were already done with dinner at KFC! I had a chicken shawarma at Friends, Salar Jung Colony. Then we sat at a friend's house nearby. I also got to meet an old school friend.

While I was waiting for my friends to call me or pick me up from my grandparents' house, for once I thought that these people had forgotten me or took me for granted. I thought several things - all negative. I didn't feel so nice when they came. I asked them what they were thinking. They said they were missing me.

Today morning I took my grandmother to a diagnostic center at Mehdipatnam. It took around 40 minutes for everything to get over. I dropped her back home and came to my house at 12:45 pm. I took a bath and rushed for the Friday prayers.

In the evening I came to know that my mother would be late home. She had some video conference to attend at the collector's office. I had to get the evening snacks and the dinner from outside. My brother has a test at his college tomorrow so I couldn't take any work from him. My father had to attend some wedding function so he left. he came back around 11:30 pm.

Today I transferred all my blogs to blogger beta version. While the transfer was on, my blogs were rendered inaccessible. I wasn't even able to log into my account. I had to wait for a few hours. I know I lost some traffic during this time.

I also did a few irrational things today. I accepted several comments that were kept pending. There was a comment that had a name in it! I do not know if I should keep it or not. I don't think anybody can find out where it is after reading this post of mine unless I tell where it is. It's on an old post in one of the 3 blogs I update regularly.

All these days I was hiding a couple of blogs. They are public now. I am not going to write how to find them! But I am afraid about the comment that has a name in it. I have tried to imagine it's consequences but I couldn't figure out how it can effect me. It can be very bad if read by some people ... I do not know how it can be bad! People who know me know that name and everything related to that person. I really really hope that nothing goes wrong.

I do not know why I do a few things I do

Tuesday night I had a chat with a cousin and we planned to meet at his house at 12 noon on Wednesday. We called on our cousin who lives in old city - the one who studies in Deccan College of Engineering and Technology. He came a little late - at 1:40 pm. We watched some trailers of movies that were already there on the computer. We saw some parts of 'Saw 1' and 'Saw 2'. They were terrifying and unbelievable.

We 3 left home at 3:50 pm. We went to KFC at Himayat nagar and had 2 Zinger burgers each. We got one free with the first one! We went to a Trinetra nearby and had some soft drinks. Then we decided to have Hukka. We considered several places including Coffee Day, Mocha, Koyla and a few other places. We decided for Ofen.

When we reached Ofen we came to know that they have already stopped selling Hukkas. We took a while to decide and left for La Saani. From outside this place didn't look good but we took along. We ordered a Strawberry flavored one. It was very bad. There was hardly any flavor and all the taste was of the coal. We didn't have much of it and left for home again.

I was planning to stay there in the night. My cousin told me that he would have the home projector ready and we would watch some movies. When I called my father to ask if I can stay back, he told me that he was not at home and even my mother would be late today. My brother was alone in the house at 7:40 pm. I didn't ask for much as I knew it was my responsibility to be at home. I left my aunt's house at 8:20 pm and reached home by 8:40 pm. I had to get some things from outside and also arrange my clothes.

My mother came home at 9 pm. She told me that the next that that is Thursday I will be taking my grandmother to some hospital. I agreed. She told me about a few more things I had to do and I was fine with them all. My cousin had decided to pick me up from my house when I am done with everything my mother had asked me to do. This didn't happen.

At 9:10 pm a friend of my mother came home. They both met after 20 years. My mother got busy with her. It was amazing that my mother's friend knew that my birthday was on 26th of November. It seems she had seen me when I was just a few days old.

IN the mean while a friend called me up and told me that in a few minutes we would be leaving for a friends house to wish him on is birthday at 12 midnight. I didn't know what to do. I told me that I would call him back in 10 minutes. I had to think for sometime. My cousin called me up and asked me if he can come and pick me up. I replied in negative. I know he felt bad - we had a plan and I was escaping from it. I felt bad too. But I had to do what my friends were doing. They are my friends; my cousin will be my cousin no matter what happens!

It took me some time to get my parent's permission. They didn't agree first because it was night. They didn't think about the black day thing. If they had, they would have never allowed me to leave home. I saw a smile on my mother's face while I was leaving. I don not know why but it left me more nervous. To be precise, I don't want to write why I felt that way! I was very negative at that moment.

My friends came to pick me up at 10:30 pm. We took a cake on our way to Chaderghat where my friend, whose birthday we had to celebrate, lives. The cake was half-frozen but after we cut it into pieces, it began to warm up and it was tasty.

We reached him house at 11:30 pm. Another friend who lives in Malakpet joined us. When we knocked the door and went inside, I found no surprise on my friend's face. He was as if he knew we were coming. We cut the cake at 12:10 am and left the place at 12:30 am. I was at home at 1 a sharp. I had the keys with me and my mother came to know that I was home only at 1:15 am.

On my way to Chaderghat I had been asked by my mother to call home every 1 hour and inform her about my well-being. She gave me a burden - her cell phone to do this. Our ride to Chaderghat was full of tension. There was a lot of policing being done in the city and we were 3 people on a single bike. We somehow managed to reach there and come back without being caught. One of my friends on his way home after dropping me had a narrow escape from being caught.

Earlier in the day I had an incredible experience sitting on my cousin's bike and the way he was riding it. He had a red Karizma loaded with 225 cc of cylinders. While riding, my cousin refused to stay below the 80 kmph mark. Even in that heavy and slow moving traffic, he was very, very fast. I started with asking him to slow down but bu looking at the way he was handling the bike, I felt I could trust in him and I enjoyed. He is an amazing biker. The control he had over his bike with that speed was awesome. He was riding as if he knew how th traffic was going to behave and he was perfect. The was he was applying the brakes, the way he was accelerating suddenly and negotiating some close and sharp turns from between vehicles ... I was stunned. I had a great time - it was an adventure!

Today morning after fajar I woke up finally at 1 pm. I had been missing a lot of sleep in he last 2 days so I had to cope up with that. Then my mother called me and told me that I had to take my grandmother to the hospital today itself - not for my grandmother but to meet someone there. I also have to take her tomorrow - for her check up.

I will be leaving home at 4:15 pm. I will reach my grandparents' house and take her to the place. After returning, I will be going to a friend's house. We have a plan to go to either KFC or Coffee Day at Jubilee Hill. Most probably it will be Jubilee Hills.

I know I am going out a lot with my friends. I realize I have a lot of friends actually and cousins too. It talking a lot on me to be with them and get along with them - it's taking time, it's taking money. I am enjoying it but I need to stay in my limits. My parents never stop me but it doesn't mean that I can do what I want. Right now, everything is fine. I don't want anything to go wrong in the coming day. I hope Allah helps with with everything. I am having a great time these days of course - so, no chance of any complaints...

I have not checked for any grammatical mistakes in today's post. There must be many!

Love, Ear cleaning swabs, Worms and McAfee

I had 3 of my friends visiting me today. 2 of them are from the college and we were uploading some videos from a cell phone to my computer. There were some pics somewhere in my computer which I wanted to show them. The folder was saved deep inside. It is because, while making the hard drive to hard drive transfers sometime back for repairing my computer, I had copied all the files into a single folder and I still have to sort things out. So, when I opened the folder, I saw another folder along with the pics. I double clicked on it thinking that it has some more pics inside it. I realized that I made a mistake.

I had double click on an application that appears to be a folder. It is the same worm that has effected my computer 2 weeks back. Because the folder was hidden, it eluded the process I had taken to remove all the effected and contagious files. The moment I realized what I had done, I switched off my computer. After turning it on again, I saw that the virus had effected and the CPU usage was weired with several useless processes going on which I was not able to terminate.

One of my friends said that he had the latest version of McAfee (2007) which worked on his computer to remove the same worm. He went home and got it for me (A special thanx to him and the my other friend who took him on his bike). We installed the software and the results were as desired. But now, this McAfee 2007 is a burden on my computer. It has slowed down so many things. It is consuming so many processes and taking up internet bandwidth too to get some updates. I have tried disabling the updates thing but in vain. Tomorrow I will switch back to NAV 2004 - the one that had been shipped with my computer.

I didn't do much the whole day except that just sometime back (1:40 am) I posted a new post on Flowing Emotions. It is something related to love marriages again! It was basically in response to a kind visitor to my blog with whose comment I didn't agree. I hope she now knows why I had written "Modus Operandi of Love Marriages'. A friend of mine too had asked me the reason for it and I had replied "I don't know". So, I know it now after some thinking. I hope I am not cheating myself!

Tomorrow I may be going to a cousin's house. Another cousin too from old city is expected to come and we plan to have some good time. A visit to KFC is a possibility.

The snaps didn't come out well. The name of the virus was W32/Rontokbro.gen@MM and the number of detected files were 2046. This is what a double click can do. That worm is too fast in spreading and it is too dangerous and irritating. McAfee 2007 is the most easily available solution.

A Little Dumb Me ...

200th post here

We celebrated the birthday of one of my friends. We had been wanting to have a party all this time but were not getting the right time. We were at the chineese section of Ohri's at road number 12. I don't know if that place had some different name. It was a wonderful lunch he hosted and of course, we enjoyed a lot. It included the applying of cake on his face.

3 of my friends had already taken a gift for him long back. 2 more had given something to him already. 2 more gave something today. All I could do w to get him a cake. I wanted to give him a gift which he could keep with him. I didn't get the right idea.We had a good time.

After the party we went to Ameerpet Career Launcher. One of my friends had been called there for counselling. We were 4 when we reach2d there. 2 split into 2 groups. I went with one of them to an old friend. We had to give him some books. After that we rejoined our friend who celebrated his b'day at his house. I was there with him till 8:10 pm and reached home after 8:35 pm.

When I reached home, 2 of my friends (from intermediate times) were waiting for me. We had already decided yesterday to meet today and go out. I was late by more than an hour. One of them was supposed to come to my house at 7:30 pm. He came, and I wasn't there. He left and got the other friend here and they both waited for me to come. We will be going out on Thursday evening. We want to include few more of our friends but one of them seems to be busy. Nothing is still confirmed yet.

Today, after the party, in the parking lot of Ohri's, one of my friends gave me a gift. He said it is for my birthday. I was really humbled. I told him that it was not at all necessary that he gives anything but he insisted that I take it. I was a book.

Sometime back I had written an article on Flowing Emotions by the title "Modus Operandi of Love Marriages". There was a comment left on it by some anonymous person. I dind't totally agree with it. Perhaps nobody understood why I had written it and what I wanted to convey. The later part is clear in the last but one paragraph of the post. Even I don't know why I had written it. But now, I will have my reason!

Just as I was writing the above paragraph, I got a new comment. I found it to be form the same person who had commented. She also left her name. I will reply to her comments tomorrow in the form of a posting. I am very tired now and my head is aching.

I did something dumb today. I do not know how many people observed that, but I am aware of it. I will write more on this in detail. Very soon inshAllah

Sunday

Today was perhaps the best day I had with my friends online. Except one friend, I got to talk to everybody. Even with some old friends. I spoke to at least 12 of them. I pretended to be in different moods with everybody. I had to. Only one of them knows how I was feeling all the time. ... I am doing good. I have to be that way :)

Earlier today I was at my aunt's house to celebrate my cousin's birthday. There was a lovely lunch with some wonderful pudding. The pineapple cake had many fruits in it and I loved it. I was very comfortable all through as all the people there were known to me. I was expecting many new faces.

Tomorrow I will be going to the college to return some books to the library and take some new once if they are issuing. The most important thing is that I will be meeting my friends! It looks as though I haven't met them since long. I can't wait for tomorrow to come.

Today evening I also had a detailed talk on Islam and other religions with a friend. It was a nice healthy discussion and I was glad I got a chance to talk all that with him. I am sure that will help him. And I also understood one more thing - though I was fine with what all I had to tell him to convince him on a few things, I think I need to increase my knowledge base. I need to learn more things about my religion and also learn how to be good at conversations that are effective and give me what I want.

Tomorrow my brother has some test in his college so he didn't come to the party. My father forced him a lot but he didn't agree. I was glad he remained at home to study. He is definitely working hard. I hope he fares better than me. But my mother always thinks that I am jealous of him. I don't not know how to show my concern for my brother. All I do for him is pray. My mother thinks something else and calls me jealous. It hurts me when she says that. I want my brother to be better than me.

Today I had lots of food and other snacks. My breakfast was at 11:30 am. Before that I had tea at 9 am. I slept in between. The heavy lunch was at 2:15 pm. Then lots of biryaani around 11:30 pm. I had some cake, chocolate and biscuits in between. But missed the daily dose of eggs and coffee!

Some visitor to my blog (Flowing Emotions) left this poem for the post 'A Guy Like Me'.
Covered in the dust of time
A book lay untouched, unread.
I had abandoned it for years
The words remained unheard, unsaid.

I did not need to read it to know
what the story was about,
I had carried it in my heart for ages
Never once letting it out.

I had lived my life never thinking
About the way I was leading it,
I chose to ignore the book forever
I wanted to die without reading it.

The book now lies in my withered hands,
The story pierces my heart like a knife.
I could throw it away but I know
It would not change the ‘story of my life’.

When ... ?

Yesterday night I changed the template of Flowing Emotions. It took me almost an hour to decide the design. I had a look at several designs and themes - must be more than hundred. then finally I narrowed down at 2.

I tried the first one. It had a white rose on the top with some quote written but the way the content was laid when I scrolled down wasn't nice. The background was dark blue and it was too plain with no designs at the sides. Then I tried the second and kept it. I simply loved it. Since then I have been opening the blog and staring at it every few minutes. Crazy, I know. I have become like that with a few things...! Just that I can look at my blog anytime I want. I can't do it with the other of these very few things.

I slept around 2:30 am and after fajar, I woke up at 9 am. I didn't sleep after that; just took a nap in the evening when I was at my grandparents' house. I was expecting my classes at CL to start today but when I called up my friend, he told me that they would start from next week. In any case I will have to start studying for it now.


Later in the evening I went for some shopping with my parents and brother. We had to buy some jewelery for my cousin sister who is going to get married shortly. I bought a suit length for myself which took me a lot of thinking before selecting the color. But it was less than the time my father took for buying his shoes. He waned brown colored beetles. He found them nowhere at Abids; only black was available. Then he decided to buy simple brown shoes and even for them he took lot of time deciding among many types and models.

On our way back home we stopped for some time at my father's friend's shop at Masab tank. We had tea from 555 Hotel and pan after that! I had pan after many days. I had been avoiding it thinking about my teeth. I remember last August I was with my cousin sister who is a dentist. I had refused to eat pan and she had said "sometimes you can have it". I ate it thinking about that! I didn't discuss this with my father. Else, he would have said "Don't try to act smart. Do not try to show-off!".

Tomorrow I will be attending the birthday party of a cousin sister of mine. She is the same cousin with whom I had a kind of discussion on hijaab. Her b'day is on 5th but she will be celebrating tomorrow itself at home. The party is at lunch and I am looking ahead for it. My aunt is a great cook!

Pleeeease, will you ... ? I am tired.

I don't know why I feel so tired now. There wasn't anything much I did today. Wrote the exam and went to watch a movie. It was Dhoom - 2 again. I was in o mood to watch any movie today. 2 of my friend forced me. I had thought of giving myself a goo sleep after coming home but that didn't happen. I had to watch a boring movie.

I had wanted to Don again. I have been looking for a chance but nothing came up till now. I asked my father but he wasn't interested. I know that none of my friends would come along with me. In the last few days I have been trying to know the name of Shahrukh Khan's next movie... no success till now!

So many times till now I have decided that I won't be watching any movies. Rarely it so happens that I feel like watching some movie and I never get a chance for that. This time, along with a second viewing of Don, I wanted to see Casino Royale. Instead, I am made to see movies of actors I hate - Rithik Roshan here in today's case. I saw so many movies I was least interested in. Somehow I need to cut on things and be more selective. I do not know how I can say a 'no' to my friends. But I guess I can say that; it doesn't helps. Today I was pulled out of my house!

I reached home at 7:15 pm. I was 15 early than the time I told my father. He asked why I was early!

November 29th

Yesterday evening I left home for my friend's house. I was there till 12:20 am! We wanted to study but hardly did. We spoke on many things ... many many actually. During that time my cousin visited my house and all I could do was talk to her on phone. She is leaving for Gulbarga tomorrow.

Today, after, fajar, I woke up very late. I had my breakfast when the time was for lunch. I didn't do much after that except for reading a cousin's blog. Then a friend called and said that he would be coming to my house to have some combined studies. I hope I do it this time. I should be here in another 30 minutes.

I have my last theory external on Friday. It's about Managerial Economics and Accountancy. I like the subject and I like reading all that the subject has to offer. Learning it to write exams is something that makes me go lazy! I need to manage somehow and get decent marks just to keep up my aggregate around average. The previous exams were not satisfying except one or two.

I do not know if I will be updating the blog today evening or even tomorrow. I will try to.

November 26th

Sunday morning I finally woke up at quarter-to-10. I had to wash my clothes and I loaded them into the machine and forgot! My friend came to pick me up at 12:15 pm and we were at Ohri's at 12:35. I had a wonderful time there. I was there to celebrate my birthday with my friends.

Till the time we all assembled it was already 2:30. One of my friend had another party to attend so joined us a little late. There was a cake brought there by my friends, a part of which was 'decorated' on my face! I was given some gifts and the best of those was a nice watch. I got lots of chocolates and Encarta 2006 too. My hearty thanks to everybody. They all made my day. I am going to cherish every single memory of my time at Ohri's on November 26th, 2006.

That was not the end. There were 15 of us at the party and after that, we 7 people went to Necklace road. From there we took a boat to the Buddha statue. We spent some time there and took a boat back. I have been seeing Buddha for past 20 years but this is for the first time I got so close to it. It was amazing standing there surrounded by water on all sides and having my best friends with me. It was a good experience in the boat. On the return ride, I sat in the front part that was jetting into the air above water. It was amazing.

It was the best birthday I celebrated till now. The last time I celebrated was when I turned 10. It was a party at home with all my relatives invited. After that there were times when my father had taken out to some restaurant for dinner. But that had only 4 of us. Many times it so happened that my tests were going on and there was no chance of doing anything. Twice I remember, we had to attend some function somewhere else.

Even on 26th it was a bit similar. The day had a perfect ending. We had a function to attend at my aunt's house in the evening. My cousin sister from Gulbarga had come. Just before leaving from there, I went inside to meet everybody and it was only she and another aunt who wished me. Others followed. Not that I wanted anybody to wish, but she being there was something I had wanted. Long back she had already told me that she will be here on 26th and she was.

I reached home at 11 pm. I didn't feel like writing anything for my blog. I spent a lot of time with the computer chatting and listening to music but wrote nothing. Yesterday too I didn't write anything for this blog. I wrote one for Flowing Emotions. I completed the post I had posted by title 'A Guy Like Me'. I continued from where I had stopped on the blog. Yesterday night I wrote almost 5000 words at a stretch. But I couldn't give much importance to the words and the language I was using. I wrote what came on mind mind and all that I tried to think about. I wish I had given a little thought to the way I was forming sentences. But that could have taken a lot of time. And yes, I am sure, I wrote a few things openly ... something that I had never thought of writing. There are many more though. I think I have improved on my typing speed.

I thank all my friends for being with me on Sunday and making me feel important. Happiness is obtained in these kind of occasions and is cherished for long. It will make me happy every time I think about it. I am glad to have such nice people around me. I thank Allah for everything.

November 25th

Just a few minutes back (it's 11:13 pm now) I had my dinner. I had been to watch the movie Dhoom - 2 in the evening with 4 of my friends. One of them called me in the afternoon and asked if I would come with him. I was leaving for my aunt's house but still I decided to go with him. He picked me up from my aunt's house at 5:30 pm. e bought tickets in black. The movie was good. I don't like Rithik Roshan though.

Yesterday I finally had my computer fixed. Along with 2 of my friends, I planned what all we had to do. While deciding all that I looked to me that we won't be able to do it successfully. We did it.

I wasn't able to boot windows. It was saying that some .dll file was missing. We opened the cabinet and attached another hard-drive belonging to my friend. We had his drive as master and mine as slave. It didn't work. We were not able to access any of the disks. We tried to change some setting with those jumpers and also from BIOS. Still nothing happened. We were prepared for this.

We took a bootable CD of pirated WinXP and installed it on my system. We didn't format the main partition but deleted the HP recovery partition. It took some 25 minutes. Then we reattached my friend's hard-drive as slave and transferred all my data into it. This took 1 hour. Then I took my HP recovery disks and ran them. This time I chose the option that formats the hard-drive completely and reinstalls the operating system, drivers and all the softwares that HP ships along with its computers. I was afraid that it would show me the result it has shown a few days back - a few days back I went for partial recovery and that didn't allow me access the operating system. But this time, as it was full recovery, things worked. My computer was made into what it was when I purchased it on September 14th, 2004! I am now working on a computer with is as good as new.

Then I had to configure it to connect it to internet. I had already taken a printout of what all I would be needing. Then we installed the Sify broadband client and successfully connected to internet. I had to download Yahoo messenger. Then I installed Windows SP 2 from its original CD which I had ordered online more than a year back. Then I installed IE 7 and few other things. I still have to remove some useless softwares which HP had shipped and install few more including the drivers from my printer.

By doing all this I removed the worm that had been troubling me. It was slowing down my computer using 100% of CPU utilization and also restarting my computer by itself. Even the shortcuts on my wireless keyboard are working perfectly. Things like ping, msconfig and msinfo are working fine too.

It works

Along with 2 of my friends, I fixed my computer. On Wednesday, when I tried to run HP system recovery with partial recovery, it messed with my windows OS. I tried it twice and it didn't work. Today we took more than 4 hours and set everything right. Presently I am working on a computer which is as good as new! I will write more tomorrow.

First problems with my computer in 2 years

It was 7:50 am today when my brother complained of some indigestion problem. My father had already left for his work and mother, of course, is not home. I was already worried for my exam when my brother said this. I was confused for some time because I thought it would not be proper to ask him to leave for his college anyway and if I ask him to stay back at home, I can't leave him alone. So, I called my aunt and told her that I would be sending my brother to her house and requested her to take care of him. She was fine.

I told my brother at least 4 times that he shold call me the moment he reaches there. He said he will. I also repeatedly told him that that in no way should mother come to know that he is not well. If she does she would be worried and that would be bad. I said the same to my aunt and also my grandparents. My brother left home at 8:09 am sharp. I remember looking at the wall clock that time. I told him again to call me the moment he reaches there.

I was busy with my studies and also looking at the work being done by the servant maid. The time was 8:50 am then. I got tensed even more because he didn't call me up to inform meabout his safe arrival there. I spent a few very tensed before calling up my aunt. I was told that hehad reached there sometime back already. I spoke to him and scolded him. I had to; it was not my nager but my worry ... worry of 2 things to be precise - exam and also his not calling me up. He is fine now.

The exam didn't go well. I just pray to Allah that I am not humiliated in front of myself. I reached home aroun 1:55 pm with few of my friends. We got CDs from outside and watched 2 movies - Pink Panther and some other one whose name I don't remember. Both of them enlish - of course.

After my friends left, I sat down to see if I could do something to the virus (worm) that has effected my computer. My computer has slowed down and even restarts by itself at times. I thought of several things but first, I installed partition magic and recovered the Linux ext3 partition and converted it into FAT32 and saved some files on that. I tried to do some resizing to the existing primary partition but it didn't happen. All I could do was to secure some of my data which is primarily some (more than 3 GB) of music video files and audio files.

Tomorrow I will try few more things. I will uninstall Norton AV, install McAfee, get its updates (download them even before removing NAV because my internet connection doesn't work with any pirated software), install all the latest virus definition for McAfee and scan my system. As far as I think, things should be solved. If I don;t get the right definitions, then I will be calling for some technical support from HP people. I hope they help me. If that doesn't work, then the last resort would be to reinstall Windows which will most probably result in the removal of the original licenced copy of the operating system. I don;t want to have any pirated operating systems on my computer. It's not that I hate thins particular, but just because I like to flaunt my orginal software!!!

If McAfee works, then I will have a successful scan and remove McAfee and reinstall NAV. My updates for NAV has expired long back so I can't use it to better my computer. The name of the virus is something like bron.tok... It is doing a lot of damage to my computer eve when it's alert according to several websites is 'low' and 'medium'. I just hope that I continue with my original XP and don't loose any date.

Microprocessor Systems and Interfacing

Yesterday though I used the computer twice, I had to leave it abruptly without writing anything. I wokpe up late and was busy all time. In the afternoon I went to a friend's house to take some papers and in the ivening it was some shopping wiht my father. At 11 pm my friends came to my house to study and we were together till 3 am. We hardly studied.

I had to wake up early in the morning. My father and brother left home at 7:40 am. Then the servant maid came and I had to keep an eye on her. I slept after she left. I was a disturbed sleep and I finally woke up at 12:30 pm. IN a short while I will take a bath, have my food, go for prayers and finally start with my studies!

I do not know how long will it take for me to finish the syllabus. For the last exam I had to study till 3 am and wake up again at 5:30 am. Even that wasn't enough. I hope this time things go fine. All I need is marks. It all depends on what Allah wills.

Today is the third day after my mother left. 3 more days to go before she arrives. I am a kind of missing her too. We have already spoken on phone several times since she left. It will be the worst for me when I won't find her home in the evening today as I am used to see her daily coming from her office around 7:30 pm. I will be seeing 3 of such evening without her.

Networking

I took along with my father to the Nampally railway station to see my mother off to Kochi. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel when mother was leaving, but it was something different. I miss her now. When there were just 7 minutes for the train to leave she called my father saying that she could see us from inside the boogie. My father and I were standing just outside the boogie when she was inside looking at us through the window. The window was one-way see-through. Only she could see us and we couldn't. She didn't know about that and she called sitting from inside. Within few minutes the big box started moving and for a few second I couldn't believe that it was moving. It was moving away from me making no noise and making the small distance between my mother and me larger every second until I had to turn away and leave.

I had a look at the railway station after a almost 3 years. The last time was when I had been to Warangal to meet my mother's uncle there. Trains have always interested me. The machinery used, the boogies and especially the engine. I have always wondered about the power and wight of the engine that pulls the complete length of the train at such great speeds. Definitely locomotives have been one of the greatest inventions of the 19th century. The whole working of the railways too is amazing and wonderful - it is such a big network with so many people working for it.

After that I reached my grandparents' house and spent the rest of the day there. I had planned to spend some time with my friends and study but that couldn't happen. I didn't make it happen actually; I wasn't serious enough. Later in the evening I attended a reception function and had a heavy meal full of chicken, fish and sweet-meals.

I drove to the function hall which is at a distance of around 3 kilometers from my house. For the first time I had an experience called 'sudden brake'. The car in front stopped suddenly so even I had to stop. I was successful! I had some practice of driving with slow moving traffic and I did it well to my satisfaction. Only while crossing the ring road I was a bit reckless and my father was there to correct me.

Today is the first of the 5 nights I have to spend without my mother. I will feel the difference only tomorrow when I would not have had seen her all day. Just a few minutes I started a post for Flowing Emotions. I stopped without even finishing it because I do not know what all I have to right. To be precise, I have planned a few things but presently I am too lazy to put into words. I have already published whatever I have completed. Rest will come soon. InshAllah. Definitely!

I still wonder what made me say 'there is no such thing as ... that exists' ::: Objection Overruled

Even until yesterday morning I didn't know that my mother had to leave on Saturday for Kochi. She has her program there starting on 20th. She has to attend a 2 day seminar on Organic Agriculture. It deals with the business and financial aspects dealing with organic agriculture. She will be back on Thursday.

My exam today was fine. Just fine. Yesterday night studied till 3 am and slept at 3:30 am to wake up at 5:30 am. So, definitely I have to write the exam well. It could have been better though. There is always room for development!

I came home at 1:40 pm today with my friends. We were together till almost 5 pm. I slept after that. I had to. I couldn't handle more heaviness in my head. I didn't yawn, just felt tired. Sometimes, the left part on the rear side of my head aches when I don't sleep for long. I have been trying to live with that pain. I still believe that I can do more if I can beat sleep. I am more productive during nights and this is the time I usually sleep.

Today we had a marriage function to attend. My father forgot. He was supposed to get the invitation card which is still at his cousin's house. We have the reception function to attend tomorrow. So, the first night without my mother will start this way ... we won't have to do anything for dinner!

The last thing my mother had been to some training program was 3 years back. She went to Lukhnow. That was for more than a week and she had some of her colleagues with her. This time she is alone. 3 years back when she was back to Hyderabad, she got the bad news that she had been transferred to Snagareddy as the Duputy General Manager of District Co-Operative Central Bank. In a few weeks she became the General Manager of that bank. She enjoyed many things like a car for herself, even some security guard for few days, and many more things. But she had to handle 2 unions present in that back. There were more than 1000 people working under her and she had to make up and down trips to Sangareddy daily. That was the worst part.

Somehow she managed to convince the Managing Director of the head office here and got herself transferred back to Hyderabad. It took more than a year. Now she is working as the Assistant general Manager in the long term loans section. The deputy general manager under whom she was working has now retired from his job so my mother is taking care of two posts. Under all this she is always stressed, frustrated and angry. Those who face are my brother and me!!! (I have written all tis just to write the previous line. In spite of all this my mother has done everything other mothers do for their children. I have no complains whatsoever. She couldn't have been better.)

A few days I had written a post with a title I don't want to mention here. I wasn't doing fine that day ... wasn't feeling fine actually. In the last sentence of that post itself I mentioned something about 'mood swing'. Later I realized that the title was too embarrassing. I don't give such descriptions to anybody, I respect ... it was something else that made me do that and I am still trying to find out what it was. Hehehe... I know I sound more illogical now. It is nice to be illogical and derive some logic out of it. This is how new ideas and 'feelings' can be created - out of nothing!

My computer has become slow again. I am sure it is because of some virus or trojan than came into my computer through a USB device I got from a friend. The antivirus program I have is very old to detect it.

One year of blogging!

Till yesterday afternoon there was some problem with my internet connection here. It was supposed to get renewed by itself 3 days back itself but I don't know why they made me call and ask for it. I thought of updating the blog then itself but didn't feel like writing.

On 20th my mother is leaving for Cochin for some official work. It will take her 5 days before she is back. It will be a tough time for me with even my exams going on. Her presence is like a moral support to me always. My father and I will have to manage the cooking a and several other things.

My exam on Tuesday was fine. I had prepared for almost all the questions that appeared in the question paper. My writing didn't go well. So, it all depends on the examiner. The day before the exam I was with 2 of my friends and we studied together. There was a lot of talking too and it went on up till 1 am. Even yesterday I had my friends with me. 5 of them. We even went out and got grilled chicken for ourselves to eat. We were together till 2 am. We did study but there was more of other things.

Today, I still have to start my preparations. From the 5 units I have already been through 2 of them. I have to give some final readings. The other 3 are staring at me. I will do everything, inshAllah.

Molded in silver, decorated with gold, and given life

I studied for quite some time today. But it was just a reading kind of thing I gave to some chapters (units). I still have a long way to go. The first of the exams starts at 10 am on Tuesday.

It was a quiet day today. I didn't talk much to anybody. Everybody was calm and silent as well. It was only my brother who went out to play and was jumping everywhere. I felt alone for all the time. It was as if there was nothing to do even though I had so much to study. Somehow, I am fine enough to write an update for today.

Today was (is) one of my very good friend's birthday. We couldn't celebrate it today but we hope to have something later. InshAllah. All I could do was call him and wish him.

I have always believed that everything - being happy, being sad, everything - was dependent on me. Today I understood that it takes more than me. I won't be writing much on this today but all I can say is that I learnt something I wish I never had come to know about.

My mood is on a swing actually.

Of Hijab, Burqa and Scarf

My father woke me up at 11:15 am and asked me to clean the car. I just gave a small dusting and he left. He had to get a routine servicing done to the vehicle. At the authorized service center there were too many cars so he just got some new engine oil filled and changed one of the old headlamps at a local garage.

We had to attend a marriage function in the evening. It was the marriage of a distant relative's daughter. The bride's father also happens to be a good friend of my father and also my uncle. There I got to meet my cousins and we spoke about how we are going to enjoy our cousin sister's wedding in December.

After my father left, I slept for some more time. But before that I switched on my computer, spent some time there and slept. The night before, I had a very disturbed sleep. I had to somehow make myself fresh. I find sleep as the biggest problem. My mind works the best in the nights. There are several things that could be done only during the day time - things like meeting people and going out. But sleep comes in between all this. I find no time but still I have to sacrifice other things. Today I wanted to reach my grandmother's house early and study for sometime. I could reach only at 3:30 pm. Already my aunt and cousin sister had arrived and I couldn't study. There was a lot of disturbance. I was angry with myself ... my sleep actually.

I have been taking coffee daily. This is even effecting my weight. Coffee reduces appetite. But I take it because I like it and to beat sleep. The second reason is the chief reason. And even the coming winter is a threat to me - it makes me sleep more. I don't feel like getting out of the blanket!

My cousin sister is in engineering 1st year at Shaadan College, Khairtabad. She was telling me about her college and the things she has been studying, liking and not liking! I told her the things I have seen or felt throughout my time in engineering. She said she is studying daily after coming home. I found it the best thing she is doing. The timings of her college are unusual - 7:30 am to 1:30 pm. She likes them. Then just before leaving I had a debate kind of thing with my 2 aunts and mother. The topic was 'girls wearing scarfs and burqa'. I was 'for'. Though they were not against it but there was something they were not liking and were not ready to accept it. I can say I won but it is my religion that won. I had the rules by my side.

The debate started when when my aunt told me about a 2nd cousin of mine who was asked to were a 'burqa' by her neighbor. She had replied 'I wear clothes that cover my body completely so why should I wear it?' She is from my college studying in 1st year. Even my sister doesn't wear a scarf so indirectly I wanted to tell her that she has to wear it. I am sure she got my point.

They all still seem to have a doubt with what 'hijaab' means. To be frank even I don't know the exact meaning but very soon I will find it out and let them know. And I will also let them know about the punishments they may face if they avoid it and also the ones they will see if they deny the truth. I will keep everything as polite as possible but I will get to them my word. My sister has got the best of education and I am sure she will understand the things and take my words and my intention positively. What I am trying to do is for her good. I don't care what other girls (strangers to me) do. She is my sister and she needs to do the things right.

My youngest aunt (my mother's youngest sister) was telling me about an incident where my uncle was standing somewhere with his friend when some girl in a 'burqa' and scarf winked her eye at my uncle's friend. My immediate response was 'why were they looking at the girl?' My mother prompted 'boys are like this!' I continued 'and that's the reason it is necessary that girls wear scarf and 'burqa'.

Sometime later my mother said that I have grown up now. I was expecting something like this especially after that night when I spoke to both my parents about me and told them several things - of course about me.