Its so easy to irritate ppl... but so difficult to please their hearts

Today was a different day for me. It started late though and I spent a lot of time reading a novel, I thought of several things, in finer detail, about points that have been ringing in my mind. To start with I’d like to write out a few points. There is a lot of explanation to make them crystal clear and God-willing I shall do it very soon and put it on Flowing Emotions.

# I have a very big ego that drives me. I approve very part of it in a way that helps me to become a better person.
# People desperately want leaders. They want someone who guides them and takes all the responsibility especially of the mistakes they commit.
# It is a very important trait to understand people. It is important to know what they are – to help them, nurture them, enlarge them and make them independent. All this is to connect with them. Understanding people, or the necessity to do so is everywhere – the adverts we see on the television are made in such a way that they please people and this happens when people are understood. This is just a small example. If understanding of people is taken as a crime then I don’t think anybody will have a right to roam around freely. Every person, right from a novelist to an evangelist, will be imprisoned. Just for understanding people.
# People are weak and they do not know what they want unless they see it. No one would have asked for love unless he/she had felt it at least once.
# Having integrity with people is most important, else everything done with them is short lasting and it amounts for manipulation and fraud. It is a sin to manipulate people. # Understanding is a 2 way process. The intention is to connect with them. People can be the biggest achievement or the biggest liability. The 2 way process gets them close to each other and makes them help and use each other in an equal way with integrity.
# To hurt a person is much worse than hurting our self.
# The most beautiful things in the world are the most useless ones. Lilies and peacocks for instant (I remember reading this as a quote somewhere). According to me Dominique Frankon in The Fountainhead too is useless except for her presence I in the story (I say this after reading just the part I have read till now. Its just an understanding).
# Selfishness is a virtue. Its better that people understand its true meaning – dictionaries have it. My blog has a few details on this. I am selfish and I know this is how I should be.
# People hate others usually for reasons unknown to themselves unless the person being hated is really at fault. It is some times because of jealousy. They fail to understand that its not actually hatred but jealousy. I think it is very good to declare openly that we are jealous of any person if we really are. This helps in having integrity with them. (When I say people, I am included in them)
# I shall never cheat a person. Even if I do anything that may hav a slight meaning of cheating him/her, I should make that person aware of it.

So many times I feel like making myself as open as the vast seas so that people know everything about me. Especially the fact that some of them think I manipulate them. I want to be clearer then mirrors. Mirrors are not clear at all - when I look into them I see myself. Every single thing that I hide burns inside me and hurts me more than any physical pain. Its the guilt that makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I could explain everything about me to everyone. I know most of them won’t be interested as they are never expected to be – but I want every person who thinks anything bad about me to know how much it hurts me to find anything bad inside me. But I also know I cant explain things to anyone who is ready to hear it. Language comes between communication. My not-so-good language stops me from being more transparent. I can’t put into words everything I want to say. But if I connect with people at an emotional level, this becomes possible.

To start with, what all I have written in ‘My Perception of My Own Life’ is very much true. What I had written in ‘I Am NOT Mentally Vulnerable’ is a bitter truth. What I had written in ‘My Humble Prayer to My God’ is one thing I shall always continue with. I mean every single part of all that.

I want every person who knows me to read this post but I know this is not going to happen. They won’t be interested. It is so obvious. And I respect them for this. I will be the same if I am in their place. But they will acquire so much interest in any talk about me they may happen to have; about the bad qualities in me. But they will never come to me and tell met that I need to correct myself. Any person who says I have faults openly to me is the person who cares for me. I shall write in detail on all this sometime later when I feel that I have understood enough to make others understand.

I sincerely hope I am not called as a maniac or a psycho for writing these things here (there is more to it actually). This may be madness though. I believe I can achieve nothing until I really get mad at it. All this is just a transition.

The book that will help me with a better understanding of people will be Personality Plus. It will tell how to classify people to understand them. The full name of the book is “Personality Plus: Understanding Others by Understanding Yourself”. SO I hope this name says a lot too. Actually this understanding thing is very important for people involved in network marketing – my uncle (connected to Amways) is into it and I have learnt a lot from him.

And regarding to my writing thing, I now fully understand how important it is to review what I have written. It is necessary that I edit the complete paragraphs until I really want something good. I shall start doing this to all my posts on Flowing Emotions shortly. I am presently after a few books – I have to complete them in a short time.

Ha

Few days back my mother said that I needed a 2nd almairah. She said it was necessary. I didn't knew that. But because she said, I agreed to have a new one. So, I got a new one today - a large double sided one. I won't be sharing any part of this with my brother as I used to do with the previous one which was much bigger.

While getting that thing inside my room, I got my little finger hurt. I bleed a little and there is a dark red clot now. When the wound was very fresh and was aching a lot, I thought it'd continue for long. It didn't. I feel nothing now.

Our tenants made a mess out of themselves today. They had not paid the electricity bill for the last 3 months and as obvious it seems to be, their connection was cut by the department people. These tenants said they had forgotten that they had to pay the bills. The most amusing part was the climax - they went to the department office, paid some money to some people there and got back the connection without paying the bills. I am sure dad is going to look into this matter tomorrow. I will just be a silent spectator.

I am still left with the arranging of my old books. Today I had to move a table on which I was stacking them. The books and papers include the ones from my first year of engineering - more than a year old now. I even have to arrange my clothes. I even have to fix my music system - some screw in the disc loader had come out a few days back and it is working just standing the weight of the CD. I even have some letters to post - there is a post box nearby but it looks like a trash box hanging on the trunk of a huge tree, so I will go somewhere else. I also have to take the print-outs of my last story and change it in a way that looks good to me - polishing I mean. I will complete all of them tomorrow.

Today I cleaned 21Gb of space from my computer. It was amazing to find that the disk cleaning utilty did the major part of it. I am planning of a standard restoration of my computer. There is a built-in feature that automatically formats the hard drive and reinstalls the operating system and also the softwares that were shipped along with the system when I had first bought it. It will erase all the data created by me so I have find out ways to back it up. I hope everything works the way I want it to.

The last 2 hours I have spent were making me feel like crying for everything, though I didn't do that till now. It is one of those times when you feel like weeping for everything. Even the things that make you smile otherwise look so innocent that you feel like crying for them. The only reason that they are innocent. Even a simple pen lying on the desk has so many memories attached to it ... I have been using this pen for the past 7 days and it is supposed to have nothing related to it except for some scrap I have written and a few phone numbers, but it seems as thought it has bacome an integral part of my table and I can't live without it. The same is the case with everything I am seeing for the past 2 hours. I know this is temporary and in a few days the pen will be thrown away by none other than me and I am going to laugh at myself for crying for such a stupid thing. Right now I am trying not to think about any kind of past. I always have in mind the options concept so everytime I feel bad about anything I know I am commiting a destruction onto myself..... :D

I woke up at 12 today. It was a sleep that was to be paid in due of what I mortgaged on Sunday night. I had my first meal at 2:45 pm and the second at 7:15 pm. My dinner got over just sometime back.

I have taken this pic because it made me feel something too. I couldn't define that something else I'd have written it.

Could have been better

It was around 3:15 am when I posted the story, 'Humilis and Purpa' on Flowing Emotions. When I read it first after writing I was pretty satisfied with the way I had worked it out but after rereading it in the evening today I felt I missed on several things. The basic element I wanted to do was to make the readers clearly visualise the location of the story. But when I read it I couldn't imagine things for myself. I am satisfied but I guess if I edit it a little then it can be much better.

This was the first time I spent so much time just to plan the story. The first thing I wanted was the right pictures which I didn't get. Though I came out with something close to what I wanted, I'd have prefered something more mesmerising. I searched in Google Images for more than an hour. But before that I had to decide the color of the flower, and the names of both the characters. Wikipedia was quite helpful with all this. I also had to study the seasons and the changes they bring in. A little more about flowers and clouds was also somthing I learnt though it wasn't necessary. I tried my best not to include any thing which would be directly concerned with humans ... I wanted to have something where there would be no such thing as human except the concept of 'heart' and love. I suppose I was successful with this.

Today I didn't do anything much worthy to be written here. Though I woke up early I slept a lot during daytime. I didn't get to chat online with anyone today except for short versions with a cousin. In the evening my parents and my brother went for shopping and I stayed at home. The dinner, as today is a Sunday, was from outside and just a few minutes I had a mango.

My yahoo messenger is creating problems again. I do not understand why Yahoo people always have some little problem with all their versions of their messengers. Trillian is wonderful and it requires no messenger, it is so convenient to use too. The other messengers I use, MSN and Google Talk, are perfect though the features are limited. Even www.e-messenger.net is fine.

I have updated The Technology Blog and News and Opinions.

First Ambivalent then Cool

Today was my friend's birthday. Yesterday though I was online and chatting with him I forgot to wish him. It was only when another friend reminded me that I wished him and the way I did it was a new one: I started the foto sharing feature in yahoo messenger and sent him a pic with the words "oops I forgot", then I followed it with sending many pics with birthday wishes on them.

We met today and it was good; but because of a friend who is a bit unhappy with this birthday guy, I was confused. I called him at an 'In' without informing him anything about the birthday thing and the b'day boy's presence. So, later I had to do a lot to get things right. We both then had a good time at Hyderabad Central and the initial anger bacame history.

I left for my grandparents' house from HC and came back home at 8:30 pm. Now, after my dinner I will get on to work for a post on Flowing Emotions. I am bit afraid to start with this as it will be a kind of fiction. Though there isn't much story in that, I am sure I will make it feel like one.

A cup of tea beside my keyboard

I had a friend at my house and it was good that we spent some time. Tomorrow his father is expectd to arrive from abroad and he will start his annual hibernation ... the kind that makes him a little cut off from his friends and keeps him glued to his house ... just to make his father believe that this is how he is always.

I did absolutely nothing today. I didn't even touch the newspapers. They were lying on the floor, left that way by my brother as the were soaked in water. The person who supplies the paper had thrown it into a water puddle. Though it is dry now, it looks like an old one and I didn't feel like reading it. Even my father has no interest in it today.

Just a little while ago (its 8:13pm now) my mom kept a cup of tea on my table and I was wondering if I could complete this post till it gets cold enough for me to drink. The warmth or hotness of tea or coffee I like depends on my mood. But I don't know how! But I usually prefer coffee as cold.

I couldn't read any book today, but I will definitely do a bit of reading before sleeping. And my daily solving of sudoku was lost somewhere and I will start it again from today. I even want to update Flowing Emotions today but I am not sure if I can pull off another thing.

I am working on my 8th blog and this will be one that will require regular updates. I will be writing my views on the international and national news. I have subscribed to the feed of NY Times and this thing is working beautifully. Just that the content is not the way I want it to be. I will get the right things shortly. The page is http://xubayr7.blogspot.com .

And yes I am aware that my other blogs too need updates and I will get with them soon. :)

Quite a lot happening

As already known, I had a terrible head ache yesterday evening. I had been to a friend's house which is more than 2 hours from my house. Yeah, thats the way I measure it.

I sometimes liek having a head ache. It gives me a chance to experimention a few expressions. These facial expressions create a lot of difference the pain makes me feel. They help me relax and yet allow the pain to be there so that my relaxation is more pleasurable. It creates a different feeling when I frown my forehead and I different when I leave everyhting lose. Pressing my nose hard, squeezing my cheeks, rubbing my eyes, pressing my temple with fingures in circular motion, lying down sideways, lying down flat, and trying all these things - wow, I enjoy doing this. Though sometimes this helps reduce the pain, but the final treatment is usually a good sleep. Yesterday this was the only treatment.

At my friend's house yesterday we tried connecting his cell phone with his PC. Everything worked fine. By the time I was home it was 8:30 pm and as expected I didn't fine anybody waiting for me. My mother continues her talk on a small chore I couldn't do and later she thought of asking if I had fed myself with lunch during the daytime. Later she asked where I had been.

Today morning the fist thing I had was tea. I slept again. Our servant maid didn't come so I had some cleaning work to do. I was fine. It will be fine as long as it is asked once in a while and now daily. I wanted to write for the blogs today and I couldn't. The real reason was that I spent a lot of time reading The Fountainhead. I went for more than 60 pages today - almost at a streach. If I spend this much time on anyother book I could have completed more than 200 pages in the same time. But the time being spent here is worthy.

And yes, this present post is the fiftieth in succession. Though I did miss a few days I didn't know it was so easy to write a daily journal. I do not know if it is easy to read it too.

Tomorrow Morning ....

I have a terrible head ache now. Took aspirin but of no help.... had a tiring day today. I will get back at it tomorrow.

Howard Roark ... wow

My continuation with The Fountainhead is getting more and more absorbing. Today I felt a wish for not parting with that book. But I had to ... I have 2 lives - online and offline - and I have to play fair with both of them. But the story is really a great one - it is definitely worth spending a lot of time with. And it is not like anyother book I can read and crash out. This book makes me think even after I close it. Unlike other books, the speed of my comprehension is very slow. I wnat it to be slow so that I can understand every sentence. This is just the 2nd book I am reading which is a fiction, I have read many other book but they were all non-fiction type. The other novel I had read was "The Doomsday Conspiracy". That was way back in 2003. After completing the 2 books I am presently reading, I plan to read The Da Vinci Code. The only reason being the english used in it by the author. I have no much interest in the story. But I know it will be long before I get on to that book. I have to read Personality Plus too. Ah... there is so much left!

Anyways I thought, while starting writing this update, about telling something but I guess I will say it now. I sat down to write today's update at 8 pm. I started writing something and continued till I felt that the thing I was writing about was a better topic for Flowing Emotions. So I stopped all the work, opened MS-Word and started with the topic there. I kept it short for the reason that I don't write a bauble. The topic was small, so the write-up had to be short. And yes ... whatever I write for all my blogs other than this one I do it on MS-Word (I am waiting for the one of that type from Google), and for this space I directly type it onto the feature provided in my account itself. MS-Word corrects my spellings, and here that thing is not possible. So, sometimes if I don't review what I have written, many mistakes creep into the text.

And I am still wondering what I am doing with my 'writing' thing!

I am losing my productivity ... I want to do so much

Yesterday evening it was again great spending some time outside with my relatives around. The reception too was wonderful with great food. I got to meet some distant relatives too and had some good interaction with a couple of them. Always feels great to meet my people.

After I came back I again spent some time on the internet. But I went to bed a bit early, at 12:30 am. That was not all yesterday. I remember being awake till 2 am. I don't know, I just didn't feel like sleeping.... I kept myself lying in the dark thinking and thinking and not sleeping. I woke up at 4:20 am again ... I wanted to perform the morning prayers but got into a deep sleep to wake up at 9. I again slept for sometime in the afternoon.

I don't want to sleep so much. I want to read and write so many things. I am just not getting the right kind of motivation and the reason to do so. Being at home with nobody asking for me is like the sun standing in the center of the solar system and yet being alone. (this thing has a lot of depth in it, hope I am NOT clear!!!)

I have come up with many topics and I want to put them in words. I know that once I start writing it won't be a task anymore and after I complete writing I will wonder how easy it was. A start is all I need.

Looking back, in retrospect, a few memories ... I am still fighting'em. The more I feel myself alone, the much worse it gets. I used to have someone with me when even I used to feel alone, now I find only me and my shadow that refuses to fade even in the dark. Anyways I hope I enjoy this too. It is just a matter of time before things change. Life moves on and I shall spearhead that movement into the direction commanded by my free will.

I will be a bit busy for the next 3 days ... friends of course. I am looking forward to this.

Yess...

That Friday evening I completed the burning of a few CDs and DVDs. I was so glad to know that a DVD having .dat files burned on it, as we do for a data disk, works perfectly well on a DVD player. Previously I tried so many things to cram 2 movies into one DVD. After being converted into DVD format (VBO sumthing), a single movie of 3 CDs (approx. 1.9 GB). was working around 5.3 GB. In this way there was no chance of putting even one movie into a single-layered DVD of 4.7 GB. (Then I understood that the ones we get in the market are actually dual-layered ones. )
Then I tried compressing that movie in DVD format to reduce size but that was lessening the quality of the picture. So again I had to do something that would keep up the quality and also let me have 2 movies in one DVD. I tried finding the right method on many forums on the internet. I asked about this on Yahoo Answers. But in vain. I got answers asking me to get some converters. When I asked if a DVD with .dat files on it works on a DVD player, I was hit by answers like "Are you an idiot, how will it work?" and "No, it won't". But I still wanted to take a chance as a friend had said that it may work. I tried and it did. I never thought it would be so easy. I, along with my friend, downloaded hundreds of MBs of softwares and installed 10s of them. All were simply useless. But the only thing was that I got to learn so many things. And I am very happy for that.

I was at my grandparents' place even on Saturday but went to a friend's house in the after noon, and spent a lot of time there. Later in the evening I had attend a wedding party and came back home at 12 in the night.

Dr. Zakir Naik is in Hyderabad and I wanted to attend his public meetings. I couldn't go yesterday as I had that function to attend and I will not be going there even today as I have another function to attend.

Today I woke up at 9 am, had some tea and slept again. Then I received a call at 11:30 am from a friend who asked me to get ready instantly. He said that another friend of mine would pick me up in a few minutes. I took 30 minutes and after sometime we were at Eat Street, Necklace Road. After spending sometime there we left for King & Cardinal (I hope I am spelling it correctly). After having some snacks there we went to a couple of theatres to try our luck with any of the movies. There were several opinions and the time was short so we ended up at Big Bazaar, MPM Mall. We split after that and I was back home around 4:30 pm in the evening. Later I slept.

I couldn't believe it

Yesterday I was at my grandparents' house and I Had my dinner at 9:15 pm. This is probabaly after more than 2 years that I had it so early. Then I went to bed at 11:30. My daily time is 2 am so even this was something after a long time. But I woke up late today, as usual, at 10 am.

I came home sometime back to take a few clothes with me. I will leave in a couple of hours.

I spent most of my time there listening to the noises created by my mind. I was wondering if I can convert those noices into some commendable music. Then I continued with The Fountainhead an the other book.

The clock makes no difference no a days

Yesterday night I slept at 2 (actually morning) and woke up at 5:30 in the morning. Then I slept again at 10:30 and woke up at 12. Slept again at 1 and was finally up at 2:10. I do not know what is happening but though it makes no difference, I don't want that to continue for long. Anyways today I will be staying at my grandparent's house in the night so time will probably get reset now.

But I won't get to have an internet connection there ... :( I hope I will be able to digest my food.

I did nothing today but at my grandparent's house I will read some books becaose that is the only thing I can do there. I also have to burn a few disks so I will complete that too.

I wanted to write something on Gridlocked but I don't know if I will be doing it, I have to leave home in an hour. Also I am a bit confused if I should publish things like what I did yesterday on Flowing Emotions. Further I don't know if it should be FE or some other blog.

My sousin's EAMCET result was out today (everybody's of course). She didn't get something she should have got. She had continued her 12th standard as a student of ISC, so maybe that did effect her performance here. I wanted her to get an admission in my college but she won't now. Anyways I hope she makes it to some good place.

Ok, so I feel alone now

My aunt left today. I wanted to cry when we were meeting for the last time at the airport. I tried to but I couldn't. I wanted to but I didn't. So I didn't cry - big deal???

But untill sometime back I was thinking about my memories with her. She is probably the only relative of mne I have known so much about and have learnt so much from - just by obeserving. I don't want to write about my old memories here but after thinking about them I did let my eyes produce a few tears. i didn't allow them to roll down my cheeks.

Then I preferred thinking about other things (guess what??? ... No, please don't do it.) This is one I am trying to conceive for the last many weeks. So I started structuring it now.

Anyways, now my brother has gone to stay with my grandparents as my aunt has left and they are alone. He will stay with them for a few days untill my turn comes. Even my cousin sister will stay with them for a few days. This will continue till my uncle is back for-good from Saudi Arabia. My brother not being with me is making me feel as thought even he has left me and gone somewhere. I am a kind of missing him too.

My aunt called sometime back to inform her safe arrival there. She will now go to Mecca and perform 'tawaf'. I feel her being there and doing all that. I will always miss her presence. I will call her and talk to her tomorrow.

Today I checked out my cousin sisters's marks. They were in Kashmir till now and have arrived just a few hours back. The one who was in 10th standard scored a brilliant 92% and the other who was in 12th scored a decent 70%. Now my sister is waiting for her EAMCET rank which is supposed to be released tomorrow early morning. Hope Allah gives her the best.

And I updated Flowing Emotions today. I don't know what to call it!

I will approach my life further with strict conditionality

How could this be that I feel so disrespectful for myself today? Or is it just another mood swing? No it is not. It is not because I say that it is not and so will my mind should go on to prove that it is not. I am doing terrifically great and no worldly obsession can alter my concrete stanse amalgamated to my strict conditionality. Am I really doing this way? Yes, I am positive about it.

Tomorrow I see a new day with a new experience. Tomorrow I will see my aunt leave us all to go to her home. I have never ever felt this way before. I have seen off so many of my relatives but this is going tobe different. What if I stay at home? ... I am supposed to be sad, and I know I am, but my reasoning says something I always say - "no matter what the situation is, I always have 2 options - to be happy and to be sad - and it is always wiser and smarter to go with the first one". Yes, I better do that. But let this option thing make me the worst of all the emotions to exist. I have found the above said group of phrases so powerful that I find them very dangerous in circumstances when I am really supposed not to be happy.

I didn't get to chat with anybody for some satisfying time today. My cousin was onlin though, I kept myself busy with other stuff. I just kept things to myself today.

Tomorrow will be a new day again showing this word a brand new horizon again. But is this phenomenon new? No. it is not. It is the same old thing that has been occuring for ages and will continue to do so. But some things in life, as I always say, happen for the first times im our lives and I will see somthing of such sort tomorrow. A new experience. A new phase, a new horizon. 'New' is so common, 'new' is getting old. Even 'fresh' is a routine.

2 years from now, I will be a new dimension. A new horizon will greet me. It will shake me and tell me that I am open now. Friends shall be lost with memories that will never fade - i dont want them to fade .........

Positive bunch of words for tomorrow ...let the night dissolve my negativity ... I pray 'friends forever' is reality ... reality into an eternity.

I knew I wouldn't

When I was typing in my previous post that I would write more in a few minutes, I knew that I was not going to do it. I was feeling tired and probably that was my laziness. Today I woke up early and one of my daily chores, the one to get milk from outside daily in th morning, was done by dad. Thanx to him I was just lying on my bed. I fnally got up when mom was leaving.

Yesterday, May 15th, was my paternal grandfather's death aniversary. I was a little more than 5 years when he expired. I don't remember much about him but I do have clear visuals still fresh in my mind about the way I used to narrate poems in front of him and he used to appreciate me. I have always learned from my dad that he was a man of principles - a very strict father. He was M.Ed. from Aligar University and a Headmaster in a government school.

I remember my telling me about my grabdfather's only experience of having tea at a hotel. He was told by one of his students that a restaurant near Charminar sells very nice tea so he took along and went there. It was amazing to know that he didn't like what he drank there. I used to think that a man (so disciplined) would hardly have any friends. But I was wrong. A few months back I came to know about a friend of his who still resides in Salarjung Colony. They were very good friends according to my aunt. And did I tell anybody that when I was born, we used to reside in Salarjung Colony - according to my dad I lived there for a little more than 8 months with my grandfather, and obviously I remember nothing about it. I do remeber the day when he expired. That was probably the only time when I saw my dad, outside our house, with is shirt not tucked in though he had his shoes on. I remember the vening when I was playing outside with a distant cousin of mine and I was scolded by someone and was asked not to make any noice; my ego was as small as my age and that did not effect my self-regard - I didn't feel bad for being scolded.

Coming now, when I try to recollect everything about my grandfather, I realise that ather than trying to find out about him, I sould be more busy doing something else. So, though I respect him a lot, I do not have much concen for what kind of a person he was; I am more concerned with what kind of a person his 5th son's eldest son is.

Then came my biggest blow of my life. May 10th 2004. It was 8:30 in the evening and I was watching television. I got a call from my uncle (my dad's cousine). He asked me for for dad but as he was not at home I gave him his cell number. 20 minutes later I got a call from my dad. I could hear him weaping. I can't forget that. I head my dad weaping and that itself brought tears in my eyes. He informed me that my aunt, his eldest sister, has expired. I couldn't believe it. In those days my mom had her mosting in Sangareddy. She came at 9 and I met her at the entrance itself and told her about this. She was shocked. Then my dad called her on her fone thinking that she hadn't reachd home. He asked us to come to my aunt's house. I hugged my dad when I met him there. I went inside. I saw my cousin brother, the eldest of all my cousin brothers, crying. I couldn't believe he was crying, he was supposed to be the bravest of all in our family. But his mother had expired and nothing else can be expected from him. I saw my aunt's ody there. She was lying on the very same bad where I remember sitting on her lap just a few years ago. I didn't cry.

I haven't cried about her death even till now. I just can't believe that she is gone. Whenever I go to my cousin's house, I can easily feel her presence there somewhere around. She is always there, she hasn't left us. In every party, in every function, I know she is there with us. But I know I am going to cry one day for her, and I know when that day is going to be. I am not out of that shock yet.

Anyways I guess this has just become a lengthy post. I will write again today evening or today night about today. Tomorrow my aunt, my mom's youngest sister is leaving for Mecca to live with her husband forever. I have been with her since the day I was born and I am surely going to miss her a lot. This will be the first time that I may possibly cry for a relative who is leaving abroad. Her departure will be tough for me to digest. It will take time. So today I have to go to her house to help her with some packing ... I wanted to leave in the afternoon but mom asked me to go there only in the eveing given the hot sun.

Yup ...

There are several things I wish to write for today but let me start with something for the person who has a question for me. I like being questioned for everything I do and as I have said this before, I take every responsibility of all the acts I commit.
 
So dear 'anonymous' -
 
"Let me start with thanking you for taking the pains to read my blogs. I know it is always an honest pain in the neck when you have to read something from a computer screen. And let me thank you again for commenting, not just once but twice (asking actually). I didn't expect you to come back for an answer, so thanx for doing that too.
 
I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this.


So I take the first step here. But wait … if you expect me to give you the direct answer, then I am sorry because that will account for something which may arrive after a couple of steps taken from your side. I would just say – I appreciate your understanding of what I have written in my blogs; I like the way you have asked me all that but I feel it is incomplete in a way that says I can’t be so blatant for a person I know nothing about. Or maybe I know you and am not aware of your presence here.

I prefer not getting along all this philosophy. I just want to ask you to introduce yourself to me and later you may know anything you want – I give you my word.”

More for today ….. I will pen it in some time …

This is for the 'anonymous' commenter ....

Please come back again after 12 midnight ... I have some answers for the questions you have asked. If you happen to have time, please take a while to read Gridlocked (http://xubayr2.blogspot.com). You can find more things in justification of the reason you ask me all those questions (see I don't even know who you are and I think of helping you). Believe me you will enjoy the poems there. They again revolve around the same 'thing'. Have a good time!

If hearts don't open up, you need to break them!

Can't believe today was a Sunday, I woke up early ... simply. But as usual I had my breakfast late. The morning tea was too heavy and the new book I have started reading is too absorbing. A year back I listened to some tapes - Becoming A Person of Influence, this book is an in-depth analysis of that by the same authors - Jim Dornan nad John C Maxwell. Then I read The Fountainhead for sometime. Dominique is really getting on to my nerves ... she doesn't even knows that the Enright house has been designed by Roark ... in the book till now.

Then I helped my mom with some husehold work ... our servant maid didn't come today, and my mom was very angry. I was afraid to talk to her today during the day time. But in the evening she was gettin too friendly. She was teasing me so much for so many things ... then she was using that old anying name for me - zubi maa. I get so irritated with that thing. But I like it too .. i donno y ... I hav 2 cuzn sisters who call me zuby. I really liked being called that way, but only by them.

Then I had my dinner at 10:30 which was brought from a restaurant nearby. It was too spicy.

Then came my friend's poem. He is getting to touchy now a days and I am worried about a few things. He doesn't knows how much he is confusing me putting me in a dilema.

And yes, the title ... I will write on that very soon ... Gridlocked will earn that.

A fine day

Saturday was simple and fine. Spent a lot of time play with my 2 cousins of ages 3 years and 6 years. I was just making them scream and enjoying the whole scene. Leter in the vening I went with my parents to have ice cream and had my dinner very late.

Today I finially completed the reading to 'Ignited Minds' by APJ Abdul Kalam. I think all this time I had a wrong impression of the personality Abdul Kalam is. He is a wonderful person and a very learned man and when he asks people to dream, he does it with reasoning and also shows us the way to do it. I am really impressed by his book. It was really inspiring.

Then I spent sometime thinking about all the friends I have in my life. I have done this before but this time it was a bit more comprehensive. I realised a few very beautiful facts and I am proud of each and every friend I have. Then later I had a chat with a friend and shared a few thoughts. I thank everybody for everything. I understand that words like 'thank your' and 'sorry' don't find any place in friendship but I can't live without using them ... it's just my way of life ... I mean every single time I use them.

This is for today ... I mean Friday :D

After updating for yesterday today morning my friend came to my house and we went to our college again. We just roamed around after the Friday prayers.

I felt a different kind of blankness when I was there in my college. It was like something missing. Not missing in the college or within me, but something that I used to have when I was there a month back. It was as if I was looking around without any purpose and I was looked at as a purposeless. I tried to be at every place which had somethning to do with my memories and now that they are gone, it was a feelingless vaccum that was making me feel empty. But ... it was nice .... and I am doing great ... really great.

I slept after I was back home and woke up only in the evening. Then I heard my dad talking on phone to some people about the advertisement of his school which is expected to appear in the urdu newspapers of the city for the next two days. I also came to know about the restrictions and rules the government 'inflicts' on the private schools just to show its presense.

There was somthing about yesterday I forgot to write in the previous update. Yesterday in the evening while I was pouring tea into the cups, the vessel in which I prepared it started slipping from between the cloth I use to hold hot vessels. I repulsively tried to hold it harder and it gave the vessel a jerk that made the hot tea spill in my hand. I just managed to keep the vessel back on the platform, and ran to the sink. When I turned the tap on, there wa warm water coming from it and that made my hand feet the burn even more. I thought I will now see a big rash or a puss filled wound. I poured some cold water on it and later I was happy to see that it had just given me a light red rash.

The burning sensation I felt was really painful and I remember the last time when I got my fingures burnt. Thta was way back in my school days, may be more that 8 years ago.

From this experience I learnt 3 things - always use the tongs to lift hot vessels, never get tensed when anything starts to slip, and remember that when you open the water tap in summer you can only get warm water. I hope I always remember these things.

Huh ... how did this happen?

Yesterday night 2:30 (actual morning) I realised that I hadn't updated The ME Daily. Though I didn't bother to wake up and do it right then, I was waiting for the sun to rise (or for me to wake up after a sleep) to complete it.

The day before yesterday I finally found myself completing the post for Flowing Emotions. My aunt. after reading it, said that there was something missing in it. I am still thinking what it is but I know there is one word which always appears in my blogs but tis time it wasn't there. And I am not sure if she was tlaking about that word.

Yesterday I went to my college with my friend and did nothing there but sat near the library for more than an hour just chatting. It was nice being there after 2 weaks. I plan to repeat these kind of days.

This was just a short update of yesterday and I will pen down the one for today in the night, just before I sleep.

Lifes keeps on ticking ... into the future

Yestreday I spent much of the time reading a book and though was online for long, I wasn't in front of the system. As usual my day started at 12 and I went to meet my grandparents. I ahd a long talk with my granmother after a long time and it was nice hearing her. She told me about how she is feeling about my aunt leaving for abroad, about a leaking tap in the bathroom and the curtain that came down while cleaning. I fixed the curtain but while doing so, the heavy metal part of the hammer slipped out of the handle and fell on m toes. I just hd a narrow escape from damaging my bone, its a small wound that should heal pretty soon. I got to see my red blood again .. well .. I know it is red for everybody ... but still when I say "my" blood, it makes the talk more interesting for me.

Later in the night yesterday I was quizzed by some people from the mosque nearby. They want me to some with them for a 'jamat' of 40 days. They will meet me again today and I have to give them a good reason for not coming with them. I don't think I would like to share why I don't want to.

Today morning I woke up early out of hunger again, ate a piece of ckae and slept. But my day started a bit early today unlike yesterday. I continued with my book and also had a chat with a friend who is in audi after a long time.

I was then havoing some problem with my PC. 2 of the 3 p2p softwares I have here where starting all by themselves and I just kept on exitting them for sometime and later had to uninstall them. I have the 3rd one left - Ares -And it is working perfectly fine.

Andyes, yesterday I met with an old friend after a gap of 3 years. He was in Saudi for hte last one year and now he will be leaving for US. It was a real surprise for me when he dropped in at my grandparent's place. He has one of the very few people who were close to me when I was in my +2 days. We have decided to meet again and nut out a plan for a movie.

I even updated The Technology Blog yesterday.

Today night I plan to write for Flowing Emotions but I am still not finding right thigs to justify and fight for the topic I want to write on. I hope I get along with it the way I like to. Keep in touch. I am not checking this update for spellings and others errors, so please dont take them seriously :D

It happens ... and I still believe that I am doing great

I do not know why Yahoo Messenger has decided to decieve me and hurt me. I was online and visible to everyone on my list for so long today and no one could see me online. Thank God I had my cusin online who helped me know this. I was really irriteted with what all I did to help with this and finally decided to uninstall it and reinstall (this takes 30 mins for online installation along with that crap yahoo toolbar... i prefer using google toolbar). To my horror even this was of zero help. Then I found that its only my regular ID that has a problem. I think yahoo doesnt likes to see me online for so much of time.

yahoo, yahoo, yahoo.
why do you
make me think of you
as a taboo.
I was alone all day,
and you
say u r the best,
wat may.
you irritated me today,
hey,
yahoo, yahoo, yahoo.

:D I am tring to do some time pass.

And because of all this irritation (a pain in my neck), I am not able to update my blogs too. I was planning of an update for flowing emotions and the technology blog but this develish messenger took my time away.

Yesterday night I reorganised all my pics on my pictures blog. I removed a few for the reason that is already stated on the top of that page - "of cource there are many more but they don't wish to be here".

Anyways my day was not as bad as I was exhibiting in my words above. I did have a short chat with a friend and many abstract chats with my cousin.

Actually I think I did get a mood swing today which fought with my commitment to a decision so there was some mental disturbance that created jerky and unruly waves. I am still under it now and the kiddish and cheeky poem I have written some lines up was a fragment of the frustration. I need some space to breath, I cant sit at home for so long and see the same faces all day and night. I am not oombing my hair so seeing myself in a mirror too a threat to my weak mental balance that is resting on strong memories of the past. Once these memories dissolve in the verve with time, I can rest easily on flat base - strong and steadfast. I am waiting for it.

I also found some time pass with yahoo answers. Check out the links on the right side bar of this page.

And yes, I lost one more thing (I am losing something or the other every other day, so nothing new). I used to have my pictures listing in the top 10 searches when searched for "my pictures" in MSN search. I daily used to remove the first pic from my blog and repost it so that it appears that I have updated the blog and it kept its position in the top 10. But now, even after doing the same thing twice a day, I cant see my blog in the top 30. I have lost so many visitors and I got just 9 visitors today and I am myself 2 of those 9. My average was well above 60 untill a couple of days back. This also effects my merits in adsense. I hope I dont see anymore losses and defeats in the dates to come.

One thing I can't hide ... I am frustrated and also angry ... and I know why it is so. I m doing really great :((

Finally ...

Finally I completed the reading one of the 3 books I was locked with. "You Can Reach the Top" by Zig Ziglar was a fine book full of short inspiratonal essays. The other 2 books I hav to finish are "Ignited Minds" and "The Virtue of Selfishness". Then of course I still have "The Fountainhead" to be done with. But I prefer going very slow with his one enjoying every hidden fragrance in it.

I didn't write anything for this space yesterday so that I can get a line for today's post saying that I didn't do it for the reason of not doing it. Simple justification of ridiculous procrastination!

Yesterday I was at my grandparent's house with my cousins and had a great time. Actually I was busy with my books there too, but found time to socialise :D . And not to mention the heavy dose of sweets I had yesterday.

And yes, there was somethnig very interesting I did. I woke up at 5 in the morning yesterday out of terrible feeling of hunger - I got some food warmed and started eating it. My mother and brother woke up, looked at me in amusement, and asked "you have not slept till now?". What can I say - foolish stomach; it doesn't even know when to ring the bell.

Really really different today

I woke up a bit early today and spent a lot more time on the net doing nothing but downloading. It was really a boring day today so is this update I am sure.

My friend left for Hubli and he has disconnected his cell fone from Yahoo Messenger, and when I saw him not there online on the list it was like a threattening look for me - for the first time I didn't see any yellow color in my messenger.

I was alone online for very long time and that too was something new and different for me. I was feeling forced to think about things I want to run away from. Anyways I don't know how I am going to spend the rest of the time before I sleep.

I am surely going to miss my friend. We used to chat daily and he won't be here for 20 days.

Today was one of my least productive days in the past 2 months. I am very unhappy about this.

I tried darkness in my brain in the dark !!!

Couldn't help with an update yesterday - there was no power in the night for more than 2 hours and I was simply lying near the window trying not to think anythink. This was really tough. My mind has become a kind of hot air filled balloon that refuses to sit at one place. I wated to keep it blank for sometime but only sleep could do it. I know even while sleeping there is nothing I can do as it is an unconscious process.

By the way, yesterday I was at a friend's place who lives very far from my house. I wanted to meet him since long. Has has been to my house several times> I went there after a year. I was there along with another friend and when we were leaving the place at 5 pm he forced us to have lunch. What heppened later that evening was really bad.

I had the keys of my house and I was of the thinking that my brother or my father was having it. And when I came back home I met my father near the gate and he said "Go up, and I will come after your mother takes your 'class'".

I was expecting it. But I was very happy to see my father calm - he had been waiting for me for 3 hours and my mother for 1 hour. All the time I was on my way back I was thinking of the possible things I can say in my defense. But I knew i was my mistake. I wanted to say a sorry but I also knew that, that wouldn't help. I was feeling very bad and guilty - I had made my mom wait for so long.

I wish I could accept openly that it was my fault and say that I am really really sory for that. But when my mom started scolding me, my ego started the talking. I fought back saying that we have 2 keys for the main door and someone else too should have had kept one. There were several useless things I said and all the while I knew I am theone on the wrong side of the line. I was feeling guilty. But what I said made my mom become silent very soon. (I am really for that mamma.)

Today my brother's 10th standard's results were out. He got 80% and was very happy. I had to check the results of around 60 students of my dad's school and I was thinking that it was going to be very tiresome. But it was damn easy and interesting too. Now I plan to create a sort of database in MS-Excel so that it helps him understand the performance of his school teachers. I still have to complete that work.

I started the evening with lots of sneezing. They are on even now. I think in the past 3 hours I have sneezed for more than 50 time. It was a nice pleasure untill it started giving me a headache and made me feel weak. But I am fine now.

There is still a lot of work to be done by me. I hope I can make up a good part of it tonight.

At last ...

Yes, at last I am done with my new blog - The Technology Blog. It was simple procrastination that was stopping me from publishing it, and after having done it I am smiling at myself thinking how simple it was and how much worried I was about putting those snaps there. Though were not sharp but they did give a nice look to the blog as a whole.

I also updated Gridlocked, Corkers, My Home Page Blog and my Home Page! Though there wasn't anything new and interesting in them, an update is always an update :D . I am still looking for something interesting for the home page and the pages connected to it...actually I am a bit discouraged as I am not working the way I wanted to.

I wanted to start writing on people but I couldn't do that... actually didn't do that (Laziness, huh!). But I think I will plan out something like catagorising the things I am going to write about them - I will have specified topics so that I can be more objective and write point-to-point. But still I am not clear with the way I am going to organise it.

I think I have got a new topic for Flowing Emotions. Though I can't tell it here, all I can say that there is more philosophy on the way ... I do not know how long its going to take for it to arrive (or for me to feel like writing it!).

My brother's results of his 10th standard's final examinations must be out on 4th so after that maybe my dad himself will take us to Gulbarga. I felt very bad that I couldn't go there on last saturday as decided previously.

Hmmn ...

I slept a lot today and had my lunch at 7:15 pm. This was because of my late breakfast and lots of mangoes in the afternoon. These were the first of the mangoes I have eaten this season and the ones I ate were perfectly fine but my mother was complaining about a few bad ones. (Never mind mom we have the whole season to be exploited :D )

In the evening my grandmother and aunt were here. Though I wasn't completely dedicated to them (I was with my computer), I felt good having them here. They hardly come to my house, everytime we go and meet them.

Just before writing this post I saw that someone has reviewed by blog through blogsrater. This one was fine. It was in my favor :D . Then I thought of rating a few blogs by myself so that I could get some free advertising. I have even put a link of blogsrater on my blog so that anyone interested can try it.

Starting from tomorrow I should start writing on several people I have in my life. I am not sure on how many I am really going to write but right now I think the number is 25. I hope I do with all these. Its really going to be interesting for me defining all these people for me. It will be like knowing more about ppl I already know by thinking about each of them. I am going to be as frank as possible and I hope no one will mind that. I don't think I'd like to share it with anyone but that will crop up only when I start writing. I won't hurt anyone and the 25 shall the ones who won't mistake me for anything wrong (hopefully). And yes, I will keep all this private and hidden. :D (sounds professonal and interesting - I wish it comes out the same way too.)

I have even started working for my next blog - The Technology Blog. I have just created it and posted nothing. The first thing to appear would be about IE 7 Beta 2. I have already taken snaps of it, I have to write on them. So check it out in the days to come. :)