Monday, February 26, 2007
Until Saturday I was in no mood to participate in any of the events. Though I kept hearing that so and so person is getting into so and so event, I hardly got any motivation to anything by myself. Then one of my friends persuaded me to contest in something and we both are participating in web designing contest as a team. We will be given content and the application software to work on, which will most probably be Web Page Maker, and we have to put in t mind to have the most appealing web designs.
Today I had to make a visit to my house in the after for a very embarrassing reason. It became necessary for me. Never did I think that I would have such a problem. Thanks to a friend who brought me home and took me back on his bike. JazakAllah Khairan.
Today I even sat at the registration counter some some time. It was a nice feeling being there. I frankly understand that it is in no way a big deal but it was for the first time that I made myself comfortable with a place like that and I enjoyed. I was sitting there with the same friend who brought me home. While we were our, two of my other friends took over.
Later in the evening when I was coming back home on one of my other friend's bike, it took us around 20 minutes to ride form Panjagutta to Masab Tank. There was too much traffic. And by the time I was home, I guess it was 8:40 pm. I am not sure, I didn't see the time then! I know nobody would be interested in that.
Today two of my cousins came to meet me in my college. It was really sweet of them to think of it and come. But they couldn't stop doing mischief here. As far as I know they didn't cause to 'damage' anything, but they could have. They will be in my college tomorrow again and I hope they won't bug me! I want to have some time with them tomorrow.
It's been long since I had a chat with two of my cousin sisters. My MSN messenger doesn't allow me to login saying a download of the latest version is necessary for me to login. I am in no mood to spend time in downloading it. Perchance I will do it my weekend. And now a days, the time at which I come online doesn't match with the times they come online. InshAllah I will talk to them soon.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.
Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.
It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.
Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.
Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.
Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.
And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.
When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html
Friday, February 23, 2007
Today I fought my sleep in the evening and I am awake even now. I am real tired now but I am sure, like every other time, its just the motivation I lack to do anything. I have been wanting to write a post of Flowing Emotions but I just don't do it. Laziness.
We had just the morning session in the college and I attended not even a single of the two classes in it. I came late on purpose and was with seniors. I pasted a few charts and tried to do all what the bracket in which my name is written in, wants me to do - 'promotion and logistics'. I am a volunteer who is supposed to work for promotion of Adsophos and work for the logistics involved in the organization of the events and also the publicity. I am enjoying it but I wish I had a little more responsibility on me. There are just two things I am in charge of - changing the countdown numbering daily morning, and today I had to carry the stationary home to get it tomorrow! Aren't these ...? Huh! But I am learning quite a few things observing people around.
Tomorrow I will be purchasing the t-shirt we volunteers are supposed to wear on the two days of the festival. I have never worn a t-shirt before to the college and I may never will. Maybe sometime later in final year - just for what we can term as thanksgiving! But for the fest, I will wear a full-sleeved shirt and wear this thing on it.
My cousin was telling me that though I have written about my father's friend's house, I didn't write it the way I usually write things and the way the house must be described. I mention this also to say that he particularly told me the house was much more than what I had written about it! It definitely was. But I also had in mind that there are always things that are not believed until they are felt or seen. I can't write a thing and make people feel or see it unless they have their full trust in me. Anyways I am posting a few pics we have taken of that house. As I have already mentioned, the house is still under construction, the pics too will show the same. Pictures help people see things. But how about feelings? I can't cut my hand and picture it to put the stupidity on my blog!
Yesterday night my aunt and my elder cousin left for Gulbarga. When my cousin was leaving, I felt as if he is leaving the moment he arrived. But he had to - he is busy with his studies. He was here just to finalize his wedding which would be in 2008 inshAllah.
Another cousin brother of mine came along to pick them from my house to drop them at Imlibun Bus Station. They asked me and my younger cousin to come along with them. The but left around 12 midnight and we went to have ice creams at Moazzam Jahi Market, Shah Ice Creams. I didn't know that those people serve ice creams even so late in the night. We had to go inside the market to have them serve it. The shop from outside was closed. I had two flavors, 'cheeku, and 'anjeer'. I reached home at 1 am. My younger cousin is still here in Hyderabad and is residing at an aunt's house at Masab Tank. He is there thinking that he would disturb my brother who is busy with his exams. But he is wrong!
McDonalds; we entered it, felt that we should have something more spicy, and left for the 'Zaitoon' at Mehdipatnam where we had a grape flavored 'hukka'. We didn't eat anything atJust before starting from my house to drop my aunt to the station, I and my younger cousin arrived from a nice 'outing' with another cousin. We both had been to McDonalds, and Crosswords at City Center, a local 'kabaab' shop that served wonderful 'kabaabs', and a restaurant named 'kabaab' shop. We even went around 'e zone' but spent some good time at 'Crosswords'. The 'hukka' at 'Zaitoon' was the best of all the four I had till now. Eve Cafe Coffee Day couldn't match this. It was the first time for my cousin who is here from Gulbarga.
Earlier yesterday I attended all the classes in the college including the Networks Lab. The servers in the assigned lab was down, so our batch of around 16 students was split into two and was made to share some other labs. The time spent was no way productive. I did fine today!
The other pictures are of my father, brother, cousin and two of my niece and a nephew.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
In the evening a few of my close aunts and uncle with my cousin went to finalize his marriage. the wedding will be after a year. There will be an engagement in some time. There was a lot of sound in my house today after a lot of time with my cousins' children playing and shouting. I was silently sitting in front of the computer. I was very tired and I was badly in need of sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 pm and woke up a little after 10 pm. I am surly going to crash out early. But I also want to spend some time with my cousins. I feel bad. I can't fight sleep much. I slept for hardly 4 hours yesterday.
Today I attended the morning session and in the afternoon I was with my seniors, classmates and friends preparing charts for Adsophos. I didn't make even a single chart completely but I saw many being completed in front of my eyes! I was int eh college till 5 pm. In the days to come, especially on Monday, I will be there till very late in the evening.
While we were all in the room busy with our work, a few of our seniors came inside the class. I didn't know they were our seniors. They started troubling me and stopping me from doing my work. My other seniors, who happen to be their classmates were out. They came in and somehow got these people away from me. I got back to work. But in a few minutes I heard some loud sounds. These seniors who were here to trouble us were fighting with a senior under whom we people work. I was afraid to do a thing. Though there was nothing physical, the words used by those hooligans were very vulgar. Alhamdulillah it got over soon.
I have been feeling very drowsy since evening. I wanted to be with all the people who were here at home today, I wanted to talk to my cousins, but something kept stopping me. I wish I could fight some mood out of me and behave normally. I have hardly kept myself productive these days and I am pretty unsatisfied with myself that I feel guilty.
I am not spending much time on the internet and not chatting much with my friends. I am not getting time for anything. Evening once I begin to have as much time I used to have until a few days back, I hope to get myself occupied with my preparations for CAT. It is high time that study for at least 15 hours a week. It is more than necessary for me to that if I want to clear all the cut offs in the test.
I can well say that I have a thousand things on my mind but it would be rather foolishness if I do so with nothing specific I have to define what they are. I sometimes feel I could run away from myself. But I can't do that. I have to carry myself wherever I go! And when I say 'I', it include many things and many people. If I present a confused picture now, it only means that I am easier to interpret when I write and difficult when I am quiet.
Right now my cousins and my brother are playing Playstation. Presently they are playing Crash Team Racing and until sometime they were engrossed in 'The Mummy'. I am not sure if this is the correct name of that game but it is based on that famous movie. Crash Team racing has been an all time favorite of mine.
This post takes the number of posts on this blog to 250. For all the things I wanted to write in today's post and for all the things I couldn't write today, there is just one thing I would like to say - nothing. I don't mind being called mad. I am used it by now. Everybody calls me that. What can I do?
Today I read some part of an old post on Flowing Emotions. I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I read some parts of it and couldn't believe that its me who has written it. Then I said to myself "I am like that". I am like that. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2006/11/guy-like-me.html
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Today along with my seniors and a few class friends I went to four colleges to publicize a technical event, Adsophos, we are having at our college. It is supposed to be at national level and a lot od participation is expected. The colleges we went today were St. Francis, Villa Mary, Vasavi and CBIT. We even had plans to go to Shaadan but dropped it as it was getting late. We were in 15 cars and more than 60 students. We distributed pamphlets, pasted posters and enjoyed! It was a wonderful experience.
The festival is on 27th and 28th of this month. I have been not attending many classes and so the complementary attendance that I would be getting by working for the fest will help me cope up with the required 75%. InshAllah.
Things are going usual. For the 'trained' eye I am sure things are obvious when they look at me. Some ideas refuse to leave. New come in. The ones already left, keep haunting.
Those interested in knowing more about the fest can log on to www.adsophos2k7.com
Sunday, February 18, 2007
On Saturday I had my classes till 12:30 pm but I was there till 4 with friends. I reached my grandmothers' house around 4:45 pm and was at CL just after 6:30 pm. The class started 10 minutes late. We had a topic test in Algebra and I scored above average Alhamdulillah. Even today, Sunday, we had a test - review test in Algebra. We didn't evaluate our scripts. We just discussed them.
After reaching home today, when my father saw me removing my shoes, he asked me to keep them on as we would be going to his friend's house's construction site. I said I will put it on when we are leaving. I had my breakfast at 12:30 pm and we left home just after that. My aunt and cousin were with us. We reached home at 5 pm after having a vegetarian lunch at a restaurant 'Raaga' on the ring road near Atta Poor. I am not sure of the name of the place.
The construction site of the house told me something - I may never get to see a better house in Hyderabad unless I get one constructed for myself! I am not kidding. It is just on the banks of Miralam Lake over looking and zoological park. The place has a lot of green cover. The house is being constructed after cutting down tonnes of rock on the hillock the site is occupying.
They did a lot of dynamite explosions and almost half the hill had to be cut down for the dream house. The house it half into the rocks. The same rocks formations have been used to decorate the house from inside. There are around 7 bedrooms if I can remember it perfectly. There are many halls, a place of bar, swimming pools, bathrooms with jacuzzi, ponds of ducks, 5 to 6 fountains - two of them inside the house, barbecue place, fruit garden, cacti garden, rose garden, 3 lion faces and a dolphin statue greeting the visitors at the entrance from the pond having a fountain, a separate guest house, servant quarters ... the list goes on.
The house will be built in another 4 to 5 months. The interior designing will be done once the house is completed, the outside landscaping will take time. The constructor and architect is a cousin of mine who has worked for several years in Dubai. He has amazing knowledge of different construction materials and he is very creative and daring. He specially got several huge rocks moved to the lawns to get the perfect landscaping. That costed a lot of money and the moving of those boulders was so impossible and dangerous that one of the laborers escaped death narrowly!
He explained us everything that has been planned. The placing of the porcelain, the lions and the dolphin, the work on the walls, the birds that will be imported to be displayed in a cage that will appear in the hall from the side wall with the huge rocks int eh background, the aquarium, the views from the special master bedroom and the other rooms - the bed in the master bedroom will be placed such that when a person opens his eyes, he will find the big green doom of a mosque near by, and when he turns, he will find Falaknuma Palace, Mecca Masjid and Chaarminar from the window - and every minute he explained us made that place more amazing and unbelievable. The location of the house makes a lot of difference. The architect has carved the difference into a thing of beauty and joy.
There is a special plan for having the ducks. They will live in a pond specially made for them, come out of it at some time of the day, stroll around the place for sometime, show their neck movements whenever some visitor arrives and go back to their pond when there is nobody around. They will be trained for all this. I understand this sounds unbelievable. there are many things we don't believe but understand ourselves as silly when we actually see them in our eyes.
There are many designs being used for the false ceiling and one of the rooms will have the ceiling displaying the first 'kalima' of Islam. My father's friend is an atheist and he keeps good knowledge of all religions.
When I first entered, I just saw a single floor from outside. I saw so many rooms there itself with a huge entrance hall and surrounding areas. There were four bedrooms on every corner of this hall with each of them providing very carefully selected and designed views of the lake and the hills. The my father took me to the terrace. It was amazing. It has been designed to cater to open air parties. The laws too are specially designed for parties with a separate room from where food can be served. the sceneries from the terrace too were awesome. Then he took us to the floor below the main floor I had seen initially. I couldn't believe that there was a flood below.
this floor had a big hall again with a bar attached to it. The planning here too was amazing with rock formations glamorizing the place. The outside view from here too was breathtaking. There was another bedroom here and a lot of space - to breath!
Then we went to the floor below! There wasn't much here except for a single room that looked, in a way, like the most soothing places of all that we had seen previously. It was a small room hanging from the rest of the house almost in the air - it was on ground, but it seemed like that, and it was jetting out into the lake - ostensibly; appearing like that. It had only rocks as one of it's walls. The whole place was like a fort on a hillock with beautiful gardens all around!
Tis part was on the hillock. At the ground-level is the swimming pool and the pond for the ducks, and the laws with other things. There is a circular column that rises from the bed of the swimming pool and goes up to support a hut like open structure having a kind of umbrella on it. The only way to get to that place is a bridge - just 2 feet wide! I can imagine how beautiful it will look once everything is ready. It will be difficult for any person to even think that she is in India!
All this comes at a price. I can't mention the amount being spent. If I estimate the whole expenditure in dollars, the word starting with 'm' will be used. The word will be plural to express the size of the bank account a person needs to have to afford such a beauty.
I even played cricket there - had a great time with everything. We took many pictures of the palace. Everything is still under construction but still, it is already mesmerizing. My present screen name of Orkut is 'Island Dreams'!
Later in the evening we went to my father's paternal cousin's wedding. It was grand. Very grand. Almost all of the Andhra Pradesh's State Assembly was there - Chandra Babu Naidu, Rajashekhar Reddy, and all the MLA's and other ministers I am sure. Sania Mirza, Salman Khan, many Tollywood - Telugu - actors, the cast of the movie 'Angreez', and several other people. I hardly saw any of them. Just came to know that they were there. We reached the place late. The traffic was too much with so many ministers making the roads and the people on the roads to stop moving. The security was brilliant. The function was grand. the food served was not hot. The taste was fine.
I reached home and finally appeared only on Yahoo messenger after more than 24 hours! It was such a fine feeling to have 2 of my nicest friends online. I have college tomorrow and the OOSD (Object Oriented Systems Design) lab where I have to submit the first part of our case study along with my teammates. I took a lot of printouts just sometime back. But I don't think we are done. These prints, I hope, will be enough to keep our lecturer cool!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Among all the people who talk to me, of all those who listen to me, from every person who knows me, I find myself as the first person who needs to take advices and not only take them but also do whatever is needed. My first objective now is to fight my ego. Perhaps this is also a kind of Jihaad - fighting against myself to get myself in the right path, no matter how much it hurts.
I am usually told that I listen to people no matter what they say and I am good with everybody. I know what I have inside me. I constantly rate people with what they are saying and how their intellect would possibly be. While doing this - rating people - I found some of them to be intellectually superior to me. I have mentioned about this in one of my previous posts. So, I am ready to listen to what these people say and even take their talks seriously; enough to guide my actions.
The other people - who I consider to be intellectually inferior to me - too say a lot to me. It is just my perspective about them that I feel myself superior to them. But they may be knowing more than me and maybe perhaps wiser than me. But my perspective is deeply held within me and I have to fight it out. I have to fight my ego and listen - not only listen, but also apply things these people tell me. They can be better than me. I maybe a very bad person with a swollen ego. Maybe I am driven by lots of pride that is bad ethically and religiously.
Today I attended the 'sanchak' function of my father's cousin. My father's uncle is a renowned gastroenterologist in Hyderabad and his son is getting married to the daughter of a congress MLA who also happens to be the minister of Coal and Mining Ministry of the State Government. The marriage is on Sunday and the Valima on Tuesday. The 'Sanchak' was at Lake View Banjara function hall.
My father's elder sister and my cousin brother are here at my home. They arrived from Gulbarga today afternoon and I am glad they are here with us. My elder cousin brother will be getting engaged soon. My aunt has found a girl for her. She is in 3rd year of Medicine. Presently, I am having a great time with my cousin. But I have no explanations for the sudden silences I fall into. I can't fight a few things - I find solitude necessary for me. My cousin make me happy always and I very happy to have him here. My aunt always makes me very comfortable - she is so nice.
Today morning i cleaned all my tables and also my bed. I arranged all my clothes but still some clothes are waiting for me to wash them. I have some old books to discard. I have somethings I much get repaired. Huh!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
We had a lovely lunch at Aroma's of China. The ambiance and the food were awesome. We all had a great time. We were 10 people there to celebrate a friends birthday. The restaurant people even sang the birthday song with a guitar that was being played. It was all very sweet and classy. My friend enjoyed it too greatly.
5 of my friends left and we 4 decided to go to some movie. One of my friend had to leave for home when we decided for the movie. We 4 people went to Prasad's but we couldn't get the tickets for some movie my friends told me was nice. I don't remember the name but it is supposed to have Naseeruddin Shah in it! I thought it would be worth a watch. But when we reached there, that movie was not being run. We considered trying at some other theater, but it was already 4 so we dropped the plan.
Today I attended none of the 2 classes. One was lab and the other a theory class. I had to attend another birthday party today. We had this at Cafe Coffee Day at Music World. We had a good time there too.
I will write more maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Tomorrow will be my last internal - DAA (Design and Analysis of Algorithms). Yesterday, even when I had two tests to study for, I started studying after 9 pm. But it was nothing substantial until a friend came and help me understand many things. He w here at my house till 12:40 am. We studied for more than an hour seriously and it was all something else after that!
Yesterday I did both the tests well - the afternoon one being the best. Today none were good. Perhaps I am a little used to it by now! Pity!
I have quite many thing to do today. On Sunday I washed my clothes and they are ready waiting for me to arrange them. I have to iron a few clothes too. The biggest thing is to pack the gift I had bought for a friend long back. We are going to have the birthday celebration tomorrow. The birthday was on 30th of January.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Today after waking up at 11 am I spent around 2 hours in front of the computer. I had to search for some softwares my uncle had asked me for and download them. It took a lot of time to get them. I found them at phazeddl.com. I reached his house at 2 pm and left for CL at 5:30 pm. The class at CL went on even after 9 pm.
We had PDP today - Personality Development Program (I am still not sure if the last word is Program!). We were first explained a concept on Business Administration. Then we were told how important it is to understand ourselves better (I was thinking I knew it from before; especially when the method to understand ourselves better was said - talking more; I write about myself - I must be on the right track; maybe). Maybe I will someday write down the concept we were taught. I was really interesting.
Then we were made to talk on ourselves. We had to tell about our extra curricular activities. Then it was the extempore. One by one, each of us was given a topic and three minutes to think. Then we had to talk on it for three minutes. The topic given to me was 'BLACK'. I could hardly think of anything. I was a little nervous already. I saw some of the guys speaking for less than 30 seconds. They were so tensed that they couldn't talk anything. When my 3 minutes to think were on, another person was thinking. By the time I could decide what I would be talking on 'Black', the time for me to talk had arrived.
I spoke on two things - the sadness and mourning related tot he black color, and a little about people who are black. I spoke fast and stopped it after 1 minute 30 seconds. I was happy the way I did. Just that I should have spoken on more things related tot hat topic - black! Later after my talk was over, I could think of at least 2-3 more things I could have spoken on.
At the end of the class, some people from a group named AIESEC gave a shot talk on a recruitment drive they are conducting tomorrow at Amrutha Castle. We were invited to attend the program and try to make ourselves a member of their group. They told us why we should do so. They were impressive. Perhaps if I had no tests on Monday, I would have considered giving it a try. I am n0t going tomorrow to any program. Not even the class at CL. (I have no idea of what AIESEC means!)
Yesterday evening along with 6 of my friends I went to the annual Industrial Exhibition. A friend was with me almost all day yesterday, and in the evening I asked him if we could go. We made calls to many of our friends. After a lot of talking and discussions we decided everything and we met at the entrance of the place after 8:30 pm. I reached home at 11:20 pm. I did two things there - ate and say 'Well of Death'. I have seen it before once and as some of my friends were going to watch it, I took along.
During the day time too I went out to eat twice. Once i didn't get my chicken roll, so I just waited till my friend finished his mutton rolls. Just before the evening I went again out again - this time to Universal near NMDC. We both even had to take some photocopies of notes as we have tests from Monday. Yesterday morning I woke up at 12 noon. I had slept at 3 in the morning. It was at the same time yesterday too.
For the last few days I have been having chats daily with 2 of my cousins. Though we were in regular contact, chatting with the webcams switched on is something very nice and warm. One of them is my sister who got married in December - now in Decatur. And the other sister is probably my eldest friend - she lives in Austin.
For the last two days I am perhaps most of the time in frustration in anger! Today I tried to find I reason for it. I came to a few conclusions and I didn't like what I thought. I have observed that these two days I was a little rude with answering to anything I was asked, I didn't try to keep calm and probably I didn't know how to behave. I have a lot of things to ponder upon. I am possibly doing many things wrong. I don't know if I am worried.
today I had been explaining it to my friend that some times thinking before talking can stop us from talking anything. I found this with myself - whenever I think too much before talking to somebody on anything particular, I fall short of words which I would find suitable to be said. After thinking all that I get a feeling that it is good if nothing is said. When I think everything that could be told seems to be useless or immature or irrelevant. I guess I have to work on this.
Sometimes I prefer not thinking while I am talking to some of my friends. I pray I don't end up paying anything for this. I hope they understand me and will even let me know if I am wrong - I know I am wrong at many places. I believe I am sounding a little different today - I wish I could help myself.
My anger and frustration has nothing to do with my friend with whom I messed up a few days back. perhaps the 'messing up' was more from my side than him. Maybe I shouldn't have written about him on my blog or I shouldn't have commented back at his comments. But I stand by all that I have said. But I also realize that it was not about who was right and who was wrong. It was also not about what was right and what was wrong. It was just that I was angry. Nobody need to prove it! I don't want to justify my anger. I did it right by being that way. I will keep my ego.
I wrote a poem on Gridlocked today.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
He first wrote:
""we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me." Wht does dis mean??? i didnt u/s.. so plz xplain it to me!! i no ur english is good and i guess every1 nos abt it even the ppl who dnt need to... but nomatter hw good ur english is, u cant change the wht actually happened!!!"Then I replied:
"I didn't know you read my blogs. Thanks, you paid a visit!!!
"we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me."
The last word should have been 'him' and not 'me' making the last part of the sentence as "but had given it to him". It was a typo and if you ask the people who read my blog regularly – Alhamdulillah there are many such people – you will know that I keep making mistakes!
And regarding your comment - I didn't understand something in it.
You use some different language about which I have no knowledge.
"so plz xplain it to me!" I can understand this, so may be I can put that first sentence in some other way.
There were 5 people who told me a few days back that they would be giving their forms to me. But 3 of them didn’t. Instead, they gave it to you. Do you remembering, while at OU we counted the forms? They were 13 of them. I took 4, you 5 and we were going to give our other friend the rest of them.
This is all I mean with that sentence. Alhamdulillah I have the ability to put the same thing in more ways should you get interested. Are you interested?
Did you read just that sentence in the whole post? I think there is more for you. And going by your understanding of my English, I am sure you will ask for more explanations. I am ready for anything.
I wonder if that sentence was so difficult to comprehend, even with that mistake there!!!"
"Oops! I am sorry, I didn't answer the last part of your comment in my comment above.
"u cant change the wht actually happened!!!"
(hehe, I didn't correct it ... let us have the 'actually' of 'everything')
If you think what all I have written was wrong, I invite you to write a blog yourself and let the whole world read it - whatever you think is true. Or you can at least speak up in front of everybody in my presence. I give my word I won't interrupt unless you finish everything you have to say.
But you have to keep something in mind. In my post I accepted that I was rude, I accepted that there is a posibility that I was wrong, and I even said that I will accept I was angry if it is proved. When I write something, I try to have integrity - it means that I don't bluff and I don't hide anything. I don't hide because that gives me some guilt feeling. And I hate that feeling.
I invite you to tell what all you feel by having a clear conscience."
i askd u to wait bt u were goin...
i said i ll b waitin thr, thn u said 5n its ur wish, u askd me to take my forms... i said ok i took mine thn $$$$$$$ and thn i waz takin every1's 1 by 1 thn u suddenly gav me $$$$$$$ and whn i waz takin $$$$ u were resisting......
u no wht is responsibility???
Ohh!!! whom m i askin to?????
A master mind??
plz explain me wht is responsibility and friendship???
Do i need to read any blog of urs for the answer?????
and regardin ur suggestion i dnt need sympathy from ny 1..."
""Do i need to read any blog of urs for the answer?????"
When was it the last time that I asked you to read my blog? Yesterday? 2 days back?
I suppose you won't be reading it again. Need I reply then?
But yes, I will write something - for the people who read my blog. I write what all I do and think on that particular day. If it creates sympathy - my pleasure. If it creates hatred - my pleasure. If it creates happiness - my pleasure. If it creates sorrow - my pleasure. If it creates love - my pleasure ... I can go on!"
Today I went to attend a friend's sister's wedding function. It was at Ashok Gardens, Bowenpally. The 'shubhmuhratam' was at 11:56 am and we were there just on time. Though I missed the lab in the afternoon, I got all the morning attendance - thanks to a friend!
I had some things to write, but I am busy today chatting with my cousins. I turned on my webcam for the first time too.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Two more of my friends joined us and they somehow managed to break into the queue. They did the work and I just stayed in the queue a little behind - just in case! Then we went to King & Cardinal at Himayat Nagar and had burgers there. I came home after that. In short, I enjoyed the day and attended no single class.
My friend who stayed back in the evening at OU submitted the forms. His patience really paid him and it was nice that it happened. Else those 8 forms would have been a waste. I am waiting to see how he is going to react - he wanted me to stay there yesterday and I gave several reasons for not being with him; I also had to skip the college today and go to OU for the second time. I am sure he must be feeling proud of himself!
I had written the above part a few hours back and now its 11:26 pm here. I just published the above without keeping it as a draft. I wanted it to be there even before I could complete it!
I also came to know that my friend who submitted the forms yesterday had to bribe the people there and give them Rs.50 per form. I haven't confirmed it yet.
We had dinner a little today as my mother arrived late. The best thing was home made potato chips. I had them today after quite a lot of time. Like daily I spent time in front of the television even today watching Peace TV. Dr. Zakir Naik's program again.
I do not remember I have written this on my blog but here it is: government of Andhra Pradesh has banned the telecast of Pakistani channels in Hyderabad and maybe even in the whole state. But Peace TV being Indian, is not at all banned. Q TV is banned. Some cable operators are not telecasting Peace TV and are telling their customers that they are not allowed to broadcast it on the network. They are wrong. Peace TV has it's studios in Mumbai (I am not sure) and it is an Indian Channel. Peace TV has never been banned.
Monday, February 5, 2007
I never go with him for the monthly shopping of grocery. My mother and brother do. This time I thought I should take some time and I went along. My father said we would be going to Reliance Fresh too. But sadly he took us to some new super market on Sheikpet road, a kilometer away from Reliance Fresh. This store looked small from outside. I told to myself "This thing replacing Spencer's is like Chaarminar replacing Taj Mahal!". But the shop was fine and we got everything we wanted.
From there my father asked me what I would like to eat. I had had a chicken roll just sometime back so I said I was not hungry. He made me walk for sometime and we went to a restaurant, Cinnamon 7. We four had a heavy dinner there. On our way back we saw Reliance Fresh was closing down and we reached home.
I am very tired now. I was in no mood to walk so much and dine outside. After coming home I simply wanted to spend some time on the internet and sleep as early as possible. I had been to Osmania University today to submit my form for re-evaluation of two of my subject subject answer sheets. I felt I deserved better marks in them and I wanted to get those papers re-evaluated.
I was there for more than 2 hours and found no success in submitting them. There we many people and the queue was too long. The counter was supposed to be closed down at 6 pm and I found that it would be waste for me to stand there. I will be going there tomorrow early morning again and I will submit the forms.
All these days six of my friends have been asking me to submit their forms. I was glad I was being asked and I was sincerely willing to do it. Only two of them gave their forms to me. One of them did the work by himself and other three gave it to my friend who was accompanying me to the university. It would be more precise if I say that he was taking me with him on his two-wheeler! Another friend came with us too.
There at OU after we divided the forms amongst ourselves - 13 forms of12 people including us - and waited there for the queue to get smaller. We were told that a person was allowed to submit only one form and that too only his own. But we were ready to do anything and submit them all. A 4:45 pm I felt that even if I wait till the counter gets closed I would be able to submit only one and the one would be definitely mine. But along side I knew that I had taken forms personally from 2 of my friends and that it was my responsibility to submit them. One of these two friends arrived - I called him - and he took charge of his form.
My responsibility reduced to only one form. But I was still ready for some other forms too because those people, though didn't give me the forms, had asked me about it previously. I was willing to submit them. But time was the constraint. If I had waited for my turn to come and if I had submitted my form first, I would definitely not come the next day to submit the rest of the forms. It was already 5 pm and there was no chance that I could stand again in the queue to submit a second form. So, I thought that it would be wise if I come tomorrow and stand in the line for as many times it takes and submit the forms I had with me after distribution - 5 forms.
When I shared this idea of mine - of coming tomorrow and leaving immediately - my friend who took me there got angry. He said we should wait till we submit at least one form. I had the same logic - if I submit one form, it would me mine and I would still have to come the next day, tomorrow - he didn't seem to understand. What looked wisdom to me, appeared foolishness to him. I had told him sometime back that I was ready to wait for any amount of time to submit all the forms. But there was no possibility of all the forms being submitted and I thought I shouldn't waste time there. I had told him that I was free and had lot of time - but that time was for waiting for something to happen, my turn to come, not to stand there and waste.
He even offered to drop me back home if I waited with him till 6 pm. His house is at Chaderghat and mine at Tolichowki. I am not that kind of a person who would like taking such irrational favors. My other friend had his two-wheeler with him and he was going to Tolichowki and I left with him.
But as I was about to leave, my friend who wanted to stay there till 6 pm told me that I was not doing good by leaving. I asked him to explain how it wasn't good. I paused for a second to answer. He was going to answer. I turned around and left.
I was perhaps rude with him. Maybe he was more wise than me. Maybe I should have waited for him just because he is my friend and I have to give him company. Maybe it was ethically right that I had stayed with him till 6 pm just because I came with him. I am still confused. But I am glad I did what I felt was right then and I am happy that I feel glad. I am still trying to know if I was wrong. I am ready to accept this as my mistake if somebody gives me a reason with all his true conscience.
But most importantly, I was irked by something he did just before I was leaving. As I have mentioned earlier, we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me. He took one of those forms he brought - which I was holding then - and said that that form was his responsibility and he would submit it. He took from me just that one particular form though there were 2 more with me which he had brought. I obeyed his logic. I gave him those other 2 forms too - I was a little rude with this, I agree.
I would have happily taken the responsibility of those 2 forms, but I was more willing to have the one form which he took from me first. I was angry, I returned the other two too! I was interested in that form because that was one of my very good friend's! He took it from me perhaps for the same reason. I gave him the others two. That allowed me to have just one responsibility. It is worth 100 rupees and if I fail to submit his form - by chance - I will pay him his money and apologize as it would be because of me that a possible rise in his marks would be canceled because.
And now, I sincerely hope that my friend has submitted the 8 forms he had with him when I was leaving or he at least does it tomorrow. He could have shared them with me. He didn't for reasons known only to him. Tomorrow early morning I will leave for OU and I will submit the 2 forms I have.
I neither wish to publicize all this neither would I prefer insulting my friend. He is my friend - if I insult him, I would be insulting myself - a friend insulting his friend is a bad person - always!
I was angry today. Just because he took that single form from me. Maybe I can blame my anger if not me. But if this is my anger, then I am very, very happy that this was my anger. I knew what I was doing then. I was in control of myself. The moment I turned away form him, my talk with my other friend was very nice and on our way back home we spoke on several things unrelated to the forms or anybody related to them. If that was really my anger, I am glad that all it is! I remember shouting at my brother like a mad even till a year back. I have stopped it. I don't remember when I was so angry last.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Yesterday since afternoon itself I wasn't feeling like attending the evening class. I didn't go. I was at my grandmother's house and reached home at 9:30 pm. My father had been to Mt. Opera as picnic with his school students and he came late and pick me late from there. He said he enjoyed. Even my cousins went with them. I couldn't as I had college to attend. My brother had his exam.
Late in the evening I began to feel some pain in my legs. I had some fever that was making me weak. Even a couple of days back I felt the same and I had taken some medicine. Yesterday I took nothing and was fine till the time I went to sleep - at 3 am.
In the college I submitted a lab assignment for which I had spent a good amount of time on Friday evening. The lecturer was not at all happy with what we people have done. We submitted programs done not by us but by somebody else. But we had to do such a thing. It was not at all possible for each of us to do our separate programs. So a few of my friends compiled programs taking them from other students who have done them and we took printouts at our houses. We couldn't satisfy the lecturer. In fact he can never be satisfied!
After coming home from CL I slept for a few hours. It was necessary for me to complete the sleep. I woke up at 3 pm and my uncle was here to visit us. We had lunch together. Later he had to do some work on the internet and take some prints. He lefts sometime back. He gave me a login ID and password of www.stc.com.sa from where I can send SMS to any cellphone anywhere free of cost. This service is for those who live in Saudi Arabia and use some telecom services of that particular company.
Today as the class was left early, I got to talk a little with 2 of my friends at CL for sometime. One of them is from my college itself and he plans to write GRE this August. The other person has already booked a slot in June. They said they want to keep their options open. I somehow don't understand what these people are doing! I feel many write GRE just because they see their friends writing it. They go for some coaching, spend time in studying, buy material ... create a hype ... I don't know the climax. I didn't get why a person spending 15,500 Rupees for just getting prepared to write CAT has to spend another 7,000 to write GRE.
Having too many options is worse than having too few options. Too much freedom cripples, it never gives room for accomplishments. Having just CAT in mind helps crack test like XAT, SNAP, MAT and even GMAT. There are already so many options here in this stream. A person spending time and money for CAT should first decided what he wants to do - an MBA or an MS. If he is confused, then he is creating a potential space for a disaster.
It is not just here but in every point in life that I feel too many options are bad. Thy not only create confusion in the later and final stages of decision - making, but also make us weak in what ever we are doing presently. Investing energy - both mental and physical - is like paying something in advance. If we do not know what we are paying for, then how can we know what to expect in return? It is simple logic - decide what you want, or let others decide!
Then there is one thing more that irks me a lot. People doing things after they see their friends doing it. Once in one of my blogs wrote "people do not know what they want unless they see it" and also "people do not know what they want and YOU can decide things for them". This leaves a hole in a persons character that can provide others with a chance to manipulate them for their personal use. I understand I am talking about something that people hardly think of - manipulating their friends. But what if they think?
People don't want to be alone when they seek out or something new. When they fail, they want somebody with them who has suffered the same too. Average people like mediocrity around them. They resist changes and resist anything above their level. They see yet refuse the truth. They understand but deny any knowledge. They pretend. People like to have people around them who would tell them that it is human to see failure and remind them of the famous quotes told in support of failure.
Something never change and other things refuse to stop changing. I have been experiencing this pretty closely for the last few weeks. It has caused to make a lot of difference to me and I understand it is going to continue with me as long as I am alive. People change, their lives change and we are forced to change - change our views, priorities, fundamental beliefs, standards and sometimes everything.
I have been meeting my aunt - my mother's youngest sister - for all my life at least once in 10 days. The age difference between us is 8 years and I have cousins from my father's side who she larger age differences. So, in a way my aunt was like an elder sister to me. She is in Mecca now and will come here only in 2008 when I am not sure of being here. She had been to Mecca before but it was just for a month and she was back.
My grandmother's house is all silent now. Even my grandfather has left us forever. my Uncle's children are there but they are very calm and hardly make their presence felt. My grandmother is very depressed and she will take some time to get used to the idea of not having her husband around and living away from her daughter who was with her for 28 years now. Even I have to get used to many things. I will take more time than her.
I have tried to forge some new bonds and failed miserably. But Allah has been too kind toward me and He obliged with me several new people who have become highly imperative for my happy being. He has also brought me closer to ones who were already there in my life, but were just there. They all have become an integral part of me. Then 'bond' never gets any substance. It's become an infinite wait. I feed myself on hope.
But as I have mentioned above, change is constant. And it never ceases to be constant. All of the present will change too. People will change, time will take them along giving them new heights and happinesses, and in turn, I will be made to change. The moment I resist anything, I will be conflicting with the laws of nature and this time, it can turn tragic for me.
So, now as I sit here and type all this without even checking what I am typing - grammar, spellings - but just reflecting on what my mind is presenting my hands with, I rely on what change I am going to resist. Perhaps this will look like an antithesis to the philosophy (or whatever it can be termed as) I have written above, but the changes I am going to resist will decide where I will go and where this road will take me to.
These resisted changes will be the possible threats to me - things that can harm me and let other unknown aspects to cause to harm me. These will be the negative traits in me and I am supposed to be aware of them. I rely on my weaknesses to let me know where I have to pause and where I have to stop. Strengths will give the movement and also the momentum. Weaknesses can wait. I have to make my strengths work for me. Hehehe ... the question is "when and how?" - the tragedy!
Friday, February 2, 2007
Yesterday in the networks lab I literally did nothing except helping my neighbor-friend do some programs. We have been assigned with specific computer systems and this prevents from sitting next to any person who could potentially help us do the programs we are not able to do by ourselves. Maybe our sir thinks that he is doing a wonderful job this way, but I must say 'he is wrong'. Nothing is helping us!
In the afternoon I didn't attend the class. We had a test and I had to go to my grandmother's house. As scheduled, my aunt left today morning and alhamdulillah she has reached Jidda. We expect her to call again once she reaches Mecca.
The morning session in the college was just Computer Networks - from 9:15 am to 12:10 pm. I was very sleepy all through and hardly concentrated on anything. But I could managing staying awake. I reached home after 3 pm with a friend and he was with me till 6:15 pm. Along with him I also searched for some shop near my house that could refill my printer's cartridge. I didn't know it would be so easy for me. I later took the printouts for Computer Networks lab.
Yesterday late in the evening I had a long chat with my cousin. She lives in Austin and since long I had been wanting to tell her a few things which I told her yesterday. It is always wonderful to know that there is a person ready to listen to you and advice you on something you are always critical of. I was glad to she took time not only to listen to what all I had to say but also to understand what I actually meant. I am glad to have her with me.
While I was chatting with my sister, I got a call on my phone. It was a new number and I received it the way I always do. The person on the other side first confirmed with me if I was Zubair. Then from a courteous accent he became rude. He told me that was teasing some girl int he college. (I don't have a dog whose name is 'bingo'!!!) I asked "Oh! Really?" He continued and said that I was teasing his sister. While listening that itself I started wondering if by any mistake I committed that sin. I couldn't remember anything.
He said that he knows me, that I am from Muffakham Jah College and from 3rd year. I immediately told him that I would like him to come to me personally and talk. He threatened that he would be coming to my college the next day. I said I will be waiting to meet him. And I disconnected the call.
This call came when I was in the most serious mood of chatting. I was talking something with my sister and I could hardly understand what was going on. I thought I was always prepared for such calls - yes I am. I once drew all the picture in my mind and decided how I would be reacting to such a call. I did exactly the way I had thought.
After disconnecting the call I was considering calling my cousin from Deccan college. I also analyzed that if I tell about this to my father, he would straight away think of going to a police station! I didn't think what that person would be doing next - if he would really come or not! If he rally meant to threaten me or was there something else he wanted.
I wasn't afraid of meeting him. I was afraid of things I haven't done and things this guy could do to me. I was afraid of a possible fight. I was afraid that I would face something for doing nothing. I was afraid that people who don't know me would think bad about me. I was confused.
This this guy called again. I said the first words: "You were going to come tomorrow, why did you call again?" His reply was not rude now. He said he got my number from somewhere and that he was just kidding all this time. he asked me not to take anything seriously. I didn't think of asking who he was. But I am sure he knows me and he got my number from some person to whom I might have given it.
I didn't ask him who he was when he called the second time. I asked that to him in the first call. But whoever her was and even that he asked me not to take it seriously, I am sorry to say that I am very serious and he will know about that in a day or two. I have his number with him. And I know many people who can be rude if I request them to. I don't like such jokes being played on me, especially when the person is a stranger to me. And most importantly, he charged me with something I detest and would never do - I better kill myself than do that.