Wednesday, October 31, 2007
It rained today unexpectedly. The streets are dirty again and the usual traffic jams make the world outside home very uneasy. I hope to see a pleasant day when I wake up in the morning. I never tell myself that when I wake up the next day, its going to be a new day. All days are more or less the same for me. Tomorrow is the continuation of today and today was the continuation of yesterday. Pain does appear in the neck and it leaves after finishing its objective.
When I go to college I will be asked by my friends to come along with them to a tour they have planned. When I heard about this idea for the first time more than a month back, implicitly a 'no' came out of my heart. But when a poll was conducted in Yahoo groups, I marked on 'yes'. They didn't ask me if I would come or not. The question was something else and I was positive about that. But its not a time to play and argue. I have IBSAT on December 16th and even if that wasn't there, my parents wouldn't allow. I have been given a lot of freedom but the limits I have put of myself start from here. If I have to go on a tour or a holiday, for me to be comfortable, it should be with my parents or my cousins. Maybe I can even convince my parents but I can't convince myself. I don't even want to talk to my parents about this.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Yesterday I went under the blanket around 3 am and I must have been awake at least till 3:30 am. Around 8:40 in the morning I woke up hearing my mother talk on the phone in a grave tone of voice she uses only when she has been shocked by something. I was still in the bed and her tone also told me that she was talking to my father. She sounded very afraid of something. I got out immediately hoping to hear everything was fine. She told that sometime back she saw a man walking in the living room.
That gave me immediate creeps as she kept narrating how she was in the kitchen and saw clearly a man walking in the living room and how she saw her entering her bedroom. She told me that my brother was home at that time and he was in the other bedroom changing clothes. Mother looked terrified with fear in her eyes and touches of leftover horror still on her pale face. I sat in the living room for a while as she started getting ready for office. I was still very sleepy and my eyes closed in no time even as my heart was pumping with fear of something I didn't even know.
I saw several dreams in those few minutes as I lay in the living room. I saw some man walking across the room, some weird happenings and all things we see in typical nightmares. I still couldn't believe what she told me. The only reason for me to fear was that she was telling me all that. And she was sure she saw somebody. I even thought that she must be undergoing a lot of strain at her office.
She left at 10 pm when I called a friend and confirmed that we were going to meet in an hour at Mehdipatnam from where we would go to CL's office at Himayatnagar and collect my last packet. Then we had plans to study the rest of the day. I went inside the bathroom with fear still fresh in my mind. I also remembered that my mother told she saw the man with a towel tied around his waist. I prefer not going for a bath when there is nobody at home but I had to. When I tied a towel around my waist I recollected my mother's words again. I was afraid even walking in the room. Even the curtains swayed by the breeze looked horrifying. I dressed up, fried an egg, prepared coffee, ate and drank, also had a banana and left. Like every time I check the doors before leaving, it did it again but did it several times.
I returned home with my friend two hours later. On our way I told him about everything. It all sounded funny but it was serious. It was serious even if it was just something psychological for my mother. It was something that must be cleared before it took my sleep away. I stay awake at nights and it was the biggest concern for me. Nobody can get inside the house this way. And in a towel - impossible. I was worried.
In the nights I hear so many sounds and I recognise them all. The distant howl of dogs, the sound of newspaper falling from the table in the drawing room on the carpet, the sound of the door-knobs when wind rattles the doors, the sound of the creaky windows, the sound of the curtains rubbing the floor, the sound of the dining table's cover moving over the chairs, the noise of the rat moving in the kitchen - every sound I have heard in the nights in my house - I know them all. But this seemed to be a new problem, and of a different kind. I had never seen half-naked men walking in my house except for my father, my brother and myself.
I solved one full length test paper of CAT's model in the stipulated time continuously as I do in any mock. My friend solved another paper simultaneously. Then we analyzed both the papers together. All this took us more than 5 hours and he left my house around 9 pm. Then I was asked to get 'kabaab' for dinner. We had our dinner. The tension was still there. But there was also some happiness on my mother's face gifted to her by the sharp increase in her monthly pay. We kept talking all the time even when I was enjoying some comedy show on the television. My mother finished her dinner and went to bed with my father, my brother and I still in the drawing room.
I still had the plate in my hands eating slowly when my mother entered the room again. She asked my brother if he came to her room in the morning after talking a bath to dump his clothes in a bucket there. He said he did! We couldn't stop laughing. The 'man in towel' my mother had seen was my brother. He was asked several times if he went there and he kept telling that he had not. But he did go there and he forgot. He said he couldn't remember it when asked because he is used to doing it after talking a bath everytime. I wondered how my mother couldn't recognise his yellow towel and how he looked like a man to her. My father was smiling with a cigarette in his fingers.
Tomorrow again I will be sitting with my friend to solve some more papers. It will be at his home this time where another friend is expected to join us. I have 16 such test papers with me. I am positive that this will help. I am thankful to my friend for giving me company even when he is not so dependent on CAT. It's a part of the luxury in being me!
I won't be forgetting today's incident for a long time. I might never forget it in fact. In the morning the only thing that gave me strength was the truth that only Allah can alter anything and only Allah decides. I knew that nobody could harm me or anybody at home untill Allah wanted it to happen. All this was just another bookmark in the book of my life. My life is good.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Many months back somebody asked me why I don't have a blog for Islamic articles. It looked imperative from the number of blogs I was updating at the moment that I have a blog dedicated to topics in religion. But I wondered if that was necessary. I wondered if I needed anything more than the blogs maintained by two of my dearest cousins. One of these two is more popular than any Islamic blog I have opened till date (ibnalhyderabadee.wordpress.com). But I also thought about the religion I had already mixed into the posts I had written and the ideas I have shared. The only difference from an Islamic blog and my blogs, that I could think of, was that an Islamic blog pastes religion with facts, narrations and proofs, and I had written all my words trying to keep them inside the umbrella of religion and I never mentioned as direct references. I did use some quotes from the Holy Quran for explanations, but faith was inherent to my blogs.
I have always hated those who flaunt and I have hated myself. The hatred was for good. I made me learn self-love. It sounds ironic that hatred can teach love and that I talk of love with hatred in my mind. I have written about it once. But I am not turning away from my words. I still wonder why children in schools are taught about the theory of evolution when no religious scripture supports it and no-born-of-a-woman-scientist could prove it. How can we teach faith to children when we ask them to learn about a theory whose author himself wasn't sure of it? Why are we letting children learn lies and let them believe in it? Is this how we educate?
Today I recollected three different days of my past in which Allah had brought be very close to death. These are quite different from what I had written in "My Nights Of Death". The most recent of these three days just a few months back when I was sitting in front of the computer on a plastic chair swinging it by making it stand just on its two hind legs. A swing went too away from the fulcrum and the balance left for space. The chair slipped bringing me close to the floor by some inches just when I managed to put my both hands on the smooth floor and prevent a further slip. I had just missed a nearby table. If I were a little away from the computer while swigning down, the exact center of the back of my head would have hit the corner of this table and perhaps killing me instantly. I was rocking very fast on the chair and blood-spill was guaranteed. The table rests behind me even now and the threat remains. I have stopped playing with the chair.
When I was in the first year of my intermediate days the final examinations' center was somewhere behind the Golkonda fort. It was a government college about three kilometers away from my house. I wanted to have a look at it with my friend on his bike. We found that place with ease but on our return journey my friend got interested in the big walls of the fort and wanted to have a closer look. There were tracks down from the main road leading to a high place close to the wall. From distance we could see the wall and the elevated point and some invisible gap betwen them. We followed the tracks on the mud and we were fast. The bike started climbing the hillock. But the moment we reached the top, there was nothing beyond that. My only instinct was the jump off the bike but I couldn't because I had my friend sitting in front of me. He hit the brakes hard. There was a short skid and the bike stopped a foot behind the edge. There was a free fall of at least 15 feet just beyond that point.
I don't remember the exact location in time of this last incidence. In fact it happened before the two I have already mentioned. I was out to meet a friend in Afzalgunj. He was in Hyderabad for some days when he got free from him college in Nasik. After getting down the bus I had to walk to reach his house and there were several big busy roads to be crossed. It was a turn on the road and the traffic was coming from my right. The moment I stepped down the footpath and looked on my right I saw an RTC bus coming. The bus was at a good distance from the point I was standing and it was turning. As the bus started to turn more, it kept getting closer to the footpath. It was just my instinct that I moved back and climbed the footpath. Less than a second later the huge vehicle was speeding moving exactly above the place I was standing. The gap between the footpath and the wheels of the bus was less than five inches. If I had stood there for a instance more, the bus would have banged me away throwing me into the shop behind. This was closer than the two above. I wish I could give all this a better comprehension. I can't express how happy I was to see myself alive. I don't find it necessary to write here about my interactions with Allah regarding this.
But I am of those who flaunt. I work with everything I can and I like letting it show. I like to see people know what I have done and also sometimes what I can do. The later can hardly make any sense if I am not convincingly telling it, but the former always has truth to speak for it. It shows by itself. With flaunting in my mind, I keep the feelings of superiority away from it. I never think of making any person feel inferior to me. At least I don't try to; intentionally. Sometimes I know I do cause to become an object that inflicts inferiority, but it has never been my intention. I express my happiness, sorrow, pain, fear, satisfaction and thankfulness in different forms. I am in no way superior to any man or a woman on this earth and I am as weak as a black ant. I have what Allah has blessed me with. Nothing belongs to me. He owns everything and he can take it away if He wants. Out of several people I know, I can say that I do not bow my head in front of anybody but Allah. I am but His slave.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
“Don't they[girls] get attracted to themselves when they look in the mirror?”Yesterday I opened the edit page and closed it soon after I felt that I can delay the spilling. Putting the reason of not updating the blog would look good if I say the above if asked. But the truth cannot be altered: I didn't feel like updating and laziness was the core backing of this reason. There is always an element of retaliation that focuses on how to blend a debility into a reason that can be flaunted. And the retaliation is to ward off the guilt even before it hurts. The debility is that lethargy preventing appraisals as consequences of brain-work ending up in words. The element exaggerates laziness and justifies it.
-A Guy Like Me, Flowing Emotions
Yesterday the football was too soft to be played with and the metal pin that elaborates the nozzle on the ball for the air pump to harden it up was missing. We considered some fallacies that could have helped us play the game but my footwear told me that it wouldn't be worth it. Furthermore, we couldn't take the risks involved. The fact that I should have worn a laced shoes skipped a consideration from my mind and I was in the college in black formals.
There is a good chance of the quote at the start of today's post being misunderstood. Or if its good that it is not understood, then I am glad I could keep it so simple. When I repeated these words to a friend yesterday, he asked me from where I copied. I said I did it from my own blog. He is of those who rarely reads my blogs but is told about what I write. But I hope the quote is not over-understood. Even I tend to give extra meaning to words and ideas hoping that would look cool. This time around, 'cool' can be crazy.
A famous Telugu actor's daughter has eloped giving another reason for the media to make money and news. The actor still appears in the movies as a 'hero' dancing with girls of his daughter's age. And I am sure in at least one of his movies he has played the role of a youngster running away with a girl. His daughter has done what her father does in the movies. I don't find a reason why people say she has brought shame to her father. She just enacted some roles already played in several screens.
On Tuesday I made a trip to the environs of ANGRAU, NIRD and NAARM. I was there to pay a visit to a friend's house. The lovely streets, the dark lawns which appeared dark because of thick surrounding trees and lack of lighting, the empty paths and the lengthy journey was all satisfaction. Immediately after reaching home, my next destination was a function hall to attend a marriage party. Yesterday the reception party fed me with dinner.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favouring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy.I have my lab externals from tomorrow - Distributed Systems on Monday and Web Programming the next day. I finished reading the 11 programs in just 45 minutes including the descriptions but I am worried if that is enough. I had studied them once for the internal test a few days back.
~ Marguerite De Valois
Some days back while travelling the bus, the conductor asked me to show my bus-pass. Then he asked for the ID card too which he even matched with the ticket of the pass and verified the ID number. He made that detailed verification only for me and possibly this for the first time I saw a bus-conductor being so watchful. His act that's making me write this here is that he didn't do such a thing for any other person in the bus.
A buss-pass has two cards - the ID card and another one that shows the validity dates of that card. When I renew the pass every three months, the computer checks for the bar codes on the ID card and prints the other ticket - the other card. Conductors check for the validity dates only and if the pass is a route-pass (valid only between specific routes), the check the route on the ID card. In my five years of bus-travelling with a general pass (free travel on any routes), this was the first time such a checking was made.
As the conductor moved in the bus, I sat watching how many passes he checks that way. I was angry. I keep my pass in my wallet and show only the ticket card when asked for. No conductor asks for the ID card and even when they ask, they just give a glance on it. Other people use a specially made folder cover of heir passes. The cover just shows the validity dates - the ID card can be seen only when it is opened. The conductors check the dates through the transparent cover on the top. Even this conductor was doing the same thing - just check the dates for people with such covers. For me, he asked for the ID card when he saw that I had the ticket in my wallet.
I wanted to ask him why he wasn't checking other's ID cards and why I was an exception. I was getting angry with this. I felt as if he was being a racist; as if he didn't trust because I am from a minority community; as if I were a a foreigner and that I could be a terrorist. I kept patience and waited. I knew that I might be exaggerating my thinking. And then he sat on a seat near me. I wanted till he finished making notes of the ticket numbers.
Turning towards him, in a boldly enquiring voice I asked him why he wasn't checking other passengers' ID cards. I wanted to quarrel with him. I wanted to ask him why he was being rude with me. But he didn't seem to understand the tone of my voice and the anger I wanted to throw at him. He calmly said that it is not always possible for him o check everybody so comprehensively and he told me how people bring ID cards of their friends. That was still not an answer to my question. There were 35-40 passengers in the bus and he could have easily verified the ID cards of those who had passes. But the softness of his reply made me agree with what he said and I told him that people do cheat.
The rest of the journey I sat thinking about a bus-conductor's job. He works for more than eight hours a day walking from one end of the bus to the other wading through people who sometimes leave no gap between them to be walked through. He has to shout and make people purchase tickets and show passes. He deals with all kinds of people, men, women and children. At times he ends up fighting, he has to argue, cope with frustration and still do his work. He does have a difficult job to do. I wished I could tell them how difficult their job was and how much I appreciated their work. But it looked odd to me talking to them at such an emotional level. Not all people respond to emotions positively. Some don't understand them. Some misunderstand.
Though all my anger on that conductor came down to zero, I was still not happy at the treatment I was given. I felt like a part of a subjugated and an untrusted community - we are being portrayed that way. Many people, I have seen, look down on Muslims while travelling in the buses. And when beards and caps are seen, things become worse. There of course people who talk respectfully, but there are many who do exactly opposite of that. I have also felt that because of my formal dressing and the photo-grey glasses I sport on my face, I am stared at as though I am an alien inside the bus. I don't have any complains on that but this ID card thing was bad.
Perhaps I just over-reacted at this. Maybe because the conductor saw me keeping the card in my wallet and not in that cover, he thought there can be something wrong. Or maybe he did find my face a one that can't be trusted. I can't help if I look like a threat to anybody. I have lived with my face for almost 21 years now and I have learnt to love it. I am happy with how Allah has made my appearance. If some half wits find it as untrustworthy, I pity their intellect. But I am at the receiving end and I don't know how to change it.
And in general the Andhra Pradesh State Road Transport Corporation (APSRTC) is well known for its bad, senseless drivers and rude conductors. The buses are parked in the middle of the road near the bus-stops - the width of the road on both sides of the bus when parked at a bus-stop is same. The driving sometimes is very rash and hardly any traffic rules are followed. The engine's power of these buses is not proportional to their weights and the buses can run very fast making them dangerous. The conductors are rude with students, they don't always talk properly, when they step on the feet of passengers they give a damn to that and some are very slow with their work.
But there are exceptions always. And we all like exceptions and get interested in them. There are some very good drivers and a few very good conductors. I remember once a conductor who said 'thank you' to people after issuing tickets. Some are very fast and never make the bus wait. And not to forget a favorite of mine: he was regular on the route '142 s' untill some months back it was changed. Now I don't know where he is. He had a habit of calling every youngster 'Azharuddin'. He was fun and he speard happiness among the passengers of his bus.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Yesterday after the three tests I wrote, we friends had two plans - going out to Java Green at Hyderabad Central, and playing football. Java Green came first. I was there for almost an hour and came back to college with hopes of playing football with my toe still aching. I was too late to have any time with the ball but we sat in the college for about half hour joking and shouting. Next came a during at a bakery. I went there only for that Coke - I am not sure what it was - but my friends had rolls and puffs. We joked, shouted and discussed a lot sitting around that round table. The topic was more interesting than anybody could get but it can't be mentioned here.
I wanted to meet my grandmother and even though it was getting late, I reached her house a little after 7:30 pm. Before this I even spent some time at a friend's house. By the time I reached home it was 9:40 pm. My visit to my grandmother was the most important part of the day because she had once asked me to keep coming to her place even during weekdays. I spent time listening to her. I wished that my grandfather was still with us.
Monday, October 15, 2007
I was asked to dial '123' on my phone as I entered the 'Ied-gah' yesterday morning for the 'wajib' Ied prayers. The security was high as the city is on an alert but I could see how easily any heartless and faithless man could rip off a bomb of any size near the mosque. There were half as many men outside the mosque as there were inside - thousands. There were hundreds of car and motor bikes. They can't be checked, nobody can see what the hundreds of beggars with their soiled bags were carrying, nobody could even check if the men dressed up in police and military uniforms weren't fake. I didn't mind being frisked, but if I wanted, even I could have carried an explosive - easily. All the security we see is a show-off. We aren't safe.
A day of fasting missed during Ramzaan cannot be compensated even by fasting the whole of lifetime. Since I started to makes full-month fasts when I was 15, I always missed one or two days because of illness. This was the first time after 5 years that I could fast all 30 days of this Holy month. I am not glad I could do it, it's compulsory for me anyways. But I know how important it is and how I have been blessed this time. Even my brother for the first time fasted all 30 days. Last year he missed many just because of sleep.
I read so many blogs on the Internet and I wonder how these people write so perfectly well. They use all kinds of emotions and stitch them brilliantly into the carpet of wisdom and knowledge. I just remain a fine line between my mood and the neighboring intrigue. Whenever I write I write with an objective - to fondle myself, to tickle some idea or to scrub some irritant. Many times I don't read what I write and sometimes when I do, I try to recollect what made me write it. No doubt I have mentioned this several times. The better thing is to wake up in the morning to a highly motivated mind, and the best thing is to do that daily. I appreciate how these other bloggers write. Their objective must be a lot deviated from mine.
I have mentioned it long back that I constantly track the visitors to my blog. My first tool is sitemeter.com. It helps me find out the time of the visitor, the length of each visit, the browser and the OS used while visiting, the default language of that computer and most important, the ISP (Internet Service Provider) - BSNL, VSNL, Pioneer, Sify, Excelmedia, Beamcable, Iqara and many more. Then of course are the ones who search in google and reach my blog. Though I can't exactly find out who the visitors, I can just track their time spent on my blog. I can never drill down to the node of the visitor and see who that person is or even the location. I can just know the city and the ISP's IP address. This is barely what I need to trace visitors - sometimes I have to do it when they provoke me anonymously.
Some days back a friend sent me a link of islamonline.com as a message and asked me to check it. Somehow I missed that message and finally got to the website a couple of days back. I read many articles relating to Muslim youth.
The Muslim family (http://www.islamonline.com/news/newsfull.php?newid=722)
Dating in Islam (http://www.islamonline.com/news/newsfull.php?newid=761)
Friendship in Islam (http://www.islamonline.com/news/newsfull.php?newid=656)
Friday, October 12, 2007
By Rudyard Kipling (1865—1936)
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too: ….
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same: ….
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, ….
Yesterday we seven friends had dinner outside for the second time in this month. By the time I reached home it was almost 9 pm if I remember it correctly. By the time I reached home the news of a bomb blast in Ajmer had already reached my ears and it was the same kind of bad management of the government and police in that place as it was when it was Hyderabad some weeks back. Those who kill innocents are sinner but those who don't take the right actions are bigger sinners. They are the politicians of the country who representatives of the people but consider themselves the leaders. Though I am strictly against all the reasons why Ajmer is such a well-known place, the blasts are excoriated.
Earlier in the day I had played football making myself completely tired. I removed my shoes after they flew in the air when I tried to hit the ball high. I ran bare-footed in the ground for sometime after playing with the ball in the basket court. I was explaining my friend about the importance of teamwork when a new player came in his team and won the match single-handed. He proved wrong all my opinions of working as a team. He was a lone warrior in a game which otherwise would have been won by our team. And not to forget the two self-goals I made.
The report that appeared in the newspapers about the chaos in my brother's college was all biased. There was hardly a bit of truth in it. They didn't mention about the comments that floor-in-charge gave. They didn't mention how he apologised to only a few people and how he refused to apologise initially. When I read the news article I had to spend some time bringing myself to normal from a high degree of anger and rage. Then I understood how the media is always against my religion. I can feel my blood heating up even now.
We were expecting Ied-Ul-Firt to be on Saturday and all the preparations were in the swing. I spent 15 minutes on the terrace hoping to find the white 'C' staring at all the starry darkness. It looked liked the stars were laughing at me. The more I kept staring the more number of stars kept laughing. The most beautiful sight was the fainting horizon which appeared in orange, brown and grey shades. I recollected a time I spent once staring at the sun as it disappeared in the distant land. I don't need to see any more miracles to believe in Allah's word.
Death still looks like a myth to me. I simply can't believe that one day I would die and they day can be tomorrow too - or even more before that. It looks to me as if I will live always and never see an end. The thoughts of eternity confuse me. I can't imagine seeing myself as dead. But I know I will understand all this the day I die and I will realize that only death can explain death. And that day I will realize how much bigger a miracle life itself was. But it will be too late. This, today, is the time for me to realize; and act.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I asked my brother all the details in the evening after he came home. I asked him why they broke the college's windows and if shouting yielded anything. I asked him why he was with all those students when he didn't know what the comments were. He said he was just with the crowd.
The lab internal I had today went by smoothly. I had no problem with he programs and in the viva the lecturer asked me to name the topics I had studied. I said about AWT and swing, and I was asked very little about them before I was asked to leave. Even though everybody knows that all the students have the same programs (they have been copied by the lecturers from 'Java 7th Edition') taken from the faculty, but still we are being asked to submit print-outs of them. Today they refused to accept photocopies. I really don't understand what difference it makes if the paper has passed through just a different type of machine to have the text painted on it.
The other day when I was at a restaurant celebrating my mother's birthday I heard the cries of an infant. The voices were coming from the other side of a partition and it after a very long time that I heard a baby crying. It sounded so sweet. It was music to my ears. I know how ironic it is that the sound of a baby crying can be music. My parents were exchanging some giggles between themselves but I heard my name being used. They were talking about a 'time to come' involving me.
Tomorrow I have my Distributed Systems lab internal. I am almost done with the studying with only some reading of syntaxes left over. Unlike web programing and Java, this lab has no book for reference. Though we are doing the coding and creating applications in VC++, are have not been taught that language. It's not so hard to learn it either. Just requires a little patience.
A couple of days back after I wrote in my blog that a long time ago a friend told me that I had changed, I fell into some serious thinking about myself. I am not the person I used to be. I used to be more sensible, calm and quiet. I used to think a lot before talking. Then slowly I began to get defeated by thoughts that being my own self is what I must believe in and as long as I am a good person, I can never say anything inappropriate or do anything unnecessary. I understand it is not a good option to try to be ourselves always. The better thing is to think before everything we do and everything we say.
Before sleep, daily, when I think about my day I had spent, it gives me deep thoughts about what has happened to me. I am joking a lot, I am laughing a lot, I am talking a lot, I have given up the habit of listening to people the way I used to and I have even developed a sense of superiority. I know I have friends with whom I have turned very open, and these are the people I can talk anything to. So I have been taking it for granted that I can talk and do anything as long as I am with them.
Now I don't say that I am losing control over me. But the point is that I am not gaining much either. The words which I used to avoid using are surfacing, I am becoming more blatant, easy-going and I am becoming happy-go-lucky. I am hardly left with any kind of fear for exams and tests. I don't mind losing marks. I am taking attendance for granted. Some serious things don't perturb me. For so many things I am ending up telling myself "aaw". This is not how I was and this is not how I want me to be.
The better parts are that I am very much in control of my eyes - I keep them down always. There are still many words that I hear others using and I am alien to them. Giving and taking respect is a part of me - in fact I am a part of it. Realizing where it is my ego and where it is self-esteem is still clear to me. And I still start thinking about all opinions considering me as wrong and then go on to correct myself if there is any need for the correction - this makes me think. I still sort out all misunderstandings with my friends and I never play double-standards with them. At least I am not cheating anybody. I am still being myself - I just need to grow more.
So many times I keep telling myself that I should be a good person. So many times I just tell myself that I am going away from the right path. But telling is not enough. Even writing it all here is not enough. Some dumb might ask why I am sharing all this - that writing such things has become a matter of pride and fashion for me. I won't care for those who fail to understand the essence of my writing (as if I know!). There are some posts directed at others and the rest directed at me. There are some who don't understand what I am writing and there are some who ignore. The last two types are a lot better than the previous ones.
I see the difference in how people used to be with me when I was in the first year of my engineering and how they are to me now. I have made several new friends who are closer than the old ones and I have no complains. I move on, others move on, but it confuses in how people change. It confuses even more when I change. It was slow and I need to change again. I have to regain the respect and the image I once had. I need to lessen the amount of talk and reduce the volume of my laughs. I will start from these two. It's all confusion in here again.
Monday, October 8, 2007
I have my web programming lab internal in about 9 hours from now. I spent a lot of time reading Java from the text book which included many programs and also revised the HTML and XML parts. My performance will largely depend on how I will go through the programs just before the test and how much I retain. This the first time I spent so much time on Java and I enjoyed it. Wednesday I have a test in Distributed Systems which shouldn't be much of a problem to me.
I discussed a possibility of me doing MBA in France with my parents. After learning from my uncle how good a place Europe is and about the demand for engineers it has, I did get excited. But later I myself realized that studying there would be too expensive. Even my parents said the same. I can look for scholarships but I don't know how much it can really be feasible. I might think of going there after all my studies are completed. I had once considered learning French and had also enquired about it from Alliance Francais, I will consider that again after a few months now.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I was having a chat online with my cousin who is right now on a European trip. Today he is in France at my uncle's place. He has spent 10 days in Amsterdam and in a few days he will be back in Bishkek where he is doing his medicine. We couldn't meet when he was leaving Hyderabad. He was waiting for his passport and he left for Amsterdam the moment he got it. My uncle who lives in France is asking me to do an MBA from there and he said he can help me get into a good college he knows. I wonder how that would be. I dread ending up at Infosys. I am ready for anything better than that. Allah knows best.
I was in the college till 4:15 pm. I have two lab internals next week and I was preparing for them in all ways I must - right from collecting the programs, arranging them and studying them. I am done with one of the two lab's programs but still the printing part is left which I shall finish tomorrow. Things have become a bit tough with my printer's cartridge not working properly. And I am in no mood to spend anything on that.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Every human being at the bottom of his existence is the same in all features - from the basic structure of the DNA, sophisticated emotions, to the highly disguised human instincts which are more or less on the visible nature similar to those of animals but domesticated by civilization and the faith in God. Human nature is very fundamental with its roots resembling that of animals but as the complexity grows - layer upon layer - man's basic structure turns into civilization.
In broader terms, animals live to further their species - to keep their kind alive. Their instincts for survival make them hunt or search for food and defend themselves from adversities in the best way possible for them using their abilities provided to them by God. They can do anything to protect themselves from threats - anything possible for their kind. To further their species animals regenerate or reproduce in some form and sometimes in a form unique to their species. It's their necessity to have that nature else they would be wiped out. Their instincts help them survive.
A human being is a lot similar to his fellow creatures of the planet. But as God said that he is His best creation, civilization, culture and emotions among other things differentiated him from the wildness of the lower creatures. Man has layers of domestication built upon his basic instincts of survival; each layer creating his individuality and the top most layers showing his individuality. The sophistication and complexity of every layer defines his abilities to hide his basics and gives gradual domestication to his 'wild' instincts. Ultimately he becomes human; a social being.
A man's programming starts even before his birth depending on the movements inside the womb, the voices heard, the quality and type of nourishment given, the genes of parents and their emotional and psychological characters. In short, a man starts getting domesticated even before his lungs start functioning in the open air. He is reared and nurtured in the society that tells him right and wrong and makes him believe what the society believes in. He is socialized. He is brainwashed. And when he learns about God, he learns faith and accepts God's word as the way of life.
But no matter how much he gets surrounded by culture, he keeps his basics inside him - sometimes controlled, sometimes neglected, sometimes unseen and sometimes set loose. From time to time as he grows he learns about his urges - some which he understands by himself, and some the society makes him understand and he decides to take them for granted. He learns that he can fulfill some urges and ignore others. His faith in God helps him with what is right. He grows developing layers on his basics - making himself more complex and more sophisticated. He gathers knowledge and learns wisdom.
At various points in his life he is shown the right and legal ways to fulfill some of those urges which were otherwise found to be unacceptable. He comes to an age from where he can stay alone, earn his own living, and drive his own car if taking an 'ultra-modern' example explains it better. He comes to an age from where he can guide his own life, take his own decisions and work out his future. Thinking of future for a human can perhaps be a highly sophisticated idea which animals might never exhibit apart from their need to reproduce.
This civilized man becomes wise, mature and intelligent. Intelligence can be found in animals but maturity and wisdom are exclusive to human beings. He learns to teach; he learns how to learn. The growing layers make him more complex and more human-like. He still keeps the basics within him. He finds newer and ‘safer’ ways to fulfill them. For instance dancing can be taken as a man's desire to loose control over his body. He likes being free of discipline and mannerisms and he likes dancing. It is found in many communities perfectly acceptable to dance. It is an instinct being exploited - all under the name of civilization.
Instincts are exploited 'soberly' by the ways of calling them trends and fashions, by creating competition in wearing clothes, by calling the show of skin as aesthetics and even by legalizing what could be the most critical of instincts. This has become a part of the civilization. The man in general has been made to believe this as acceptable.
A man can never work against his nature. Neither can a woman of course. Men and women have always been partners. Men, for women are the most important and interesting objects and women, for men are the most important and interesting objects. This character trait is not by choice, ethics or culture. It is inevitable and necessary for the survival of our species. The idea can be presented in a mature way pulling it under the blankets of culture and religion, but instincts remain the same. They are controlled and domesticated.
Working on the upper layers of our behavior, a man or a woman for that matter can never be understood under absolute terms. Take for example the mannerisms - our behavior while being with our parents and siblings is more natural than the one we present in front of outsiders or acquaintances which is more of a manipulation. It is acceptable. It is civilization and not cheating of any sort. But there are of course men who pretend to be gentlemen but are not. I find behaving as a gentleman with an intention to become one is alright, but behaving so to deceive others or hide some character traits is a violation of ethical values a man can keep. This is as intimidating as it can get - with the sophistication of the layers.
A man exhibits his instincts in softer and 'acceptable' ways. The thrill experienced with courtship, the excitement in flirting, the enjoyment in dancing as discussed above, the indulgence in smoking and drinking, the adventure in bungee-jumping, in talking about what love-turned-inside-out is are all examples of the softer ways. But the result is the same - satisfying of primitive urges. Reading novels on romance, enjoying raunchy jokes, sometimes men talking about women and women talking about men, discussing how fascinating violence can be, appreciating near-naked wrestlers, watching beauty contests, and every act that is termed civilized but appears inside the ‘filtered’ or ‘screened’ content is again an example how society decides how the basic human instincts can be fulfilled without being objected.
Lobbying in the corporate worlds, politics, using emotions to befriend people, researching on what humans like so that businesses can be flourished and money be made, studying human psychology to manipulate men, teaching youngsters how to woo the opposite sex and using preferences and tastes to dictate laws can all come under scrutiny if we question the widely accepted ideals of the society. These might be refutable but are seldom criticized as they have become an important part of our being. Calling ourselves modern, we have learnt to fulfill our desires alongside remaining respectable.
All this might be exactly what humans are. The sophistication might grow into the unimaginable and we will continue to find more decent ways to exhilarate the animal within us and satisfy it. We might become more sensible in our outlooks and more charming in our etiquettes. We might have our individual personalities, preferences and tastes, likes and styles. But deep within in some way or the other we would just be living our instincts.I started thinking about all this considering the behaviors of some of my friends and even me. I am not writing anything to play down on anybody. It's all just to share how I am perceiving it. I really don't know how much I hide about myself from my friends. Some time or the other I have shared every big thing with every person who is a good friend of mine. But I understand not all do this and I accept such behaviors. I don't mean I like my own friends doing such things with me - it definitely hurts when I come to know that something was hidden from me because some instincts like ego and pride were playing big. It gives me a lot of pain whenever somebody uses me to exhibit his instincts - even unintentionally.
Some people can do anything to become successful - success defined here only for them in the way they like it. They are very intelligent but deep down they are very much human. They hide with no reasons of hiding. They have in them something I fail to understand. I wonder how they can remain happy without having very close companionship of friends because we get such friends when we share things which are too intimidate at times. I am not defining friendship. I am just reminding myself of how I can be. I am analyzing the fact that I might be going in the wrong direction. I have never been questioned on my friendship. Rarely do people tell me that I must change something in me. But I remember once a friend telling me that I had changed. Now I know that change was good.
All this can be a big discussion. I have posted a large part of today's post of Flowing Emotions. I think even that blog deserves something and I wanted today's words to be well-read. When I started preparing for CAT long back I thought that there would be some people with me who could help me with some topics. I know I am terribly bad at some sections and I need a lot of help. I was thinking that I would have at least somebody with me to help me. One by one so many of my friends stopped preparing for CAT. And I am left alone with very little motivation. I am not blaming anybody. It all depends on me. I just feel sad that there are intelligent people who can help me but I don't know whom to ask for.
I might not be going to college tomorrow (Friday). I will stay home and try to study. I hope I find some peace in that. I have reduced the size of my present goal calling it more realistic. I might be cheating myself but I am a lazy bug who knows how to find short-cuts. The success will me delayed but won't be made unattainable. InshAllah.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
A couple of days back I found the door locked when I reached home. I had no keys and I had to wait outside sitting in the staircase. I was so tired that I used my bag as a pillow and slept. After 30 minutes my brother came an woke me up. I woke up to a surprise after seeing my brother get puzzled at the way I slept and woke up suddenly. Today he had to spend such time. He did it for almost 2 hours.
Yesterday I realized how silly it can be to have a password to an account, that is unclear even to me. Hotmail.com allows a password of up to 16 characters and I had been using a one of 19 for all my accounts. When I started with this password on this account, the interface allowed me to type only 16 characters but I had typed all the 19 without giving a thought to which of them were being taken. Yesterday when I used a different application to log in to my account, I didn't know my actual password. I could type it only in the hotmail interface and here in this application there was space for more than 16. It's funny how even I don't know my password yet can access and use my account. I have been using this account 2000.
Yesterday my elder cousin was here for dinner and 'iftaar' and 'sehar'. He stayed overnight and left early morning. We again spoke a lot. In the night we watched the movie 'Troy'. This was probably for the third time I watched it. Not to forget several scenes I have seen several times before. It's always nice to have this brother with me. There is always so much to talk with him even when he is eight years elder to me.
When I was in the second year of my engineering a cousin had told me how by the end of my time in the college it will be made clear to me who were my friends, who are going to remain my friends and who were never my friends. When she said this, I tried to recollect the faces of as many friends I could at that time and I found no person who looked like one who is going to leave me. It sounded impossible to me when I heard her saying it. Almost two years after that, now, I know how correct she was. It's not just about who is going to stay with me, it's also about with whom I must stay. I never thought I would become like this. I also understand that there are some friends no matter how much I wish to be with and no matter how much they wish to be with me, we have to part and take our own ways. It feels like a myth to me.
Monday, October 1, 2007
In any case IIMs ill be applied for along with the CAT application. I will apply for XAT. I will apply in five more colleges after talking to people who can really help me figure what will be good for me. I am looking for something from HR, Systems and Operations, International Business or Infrastructure Planning. I would be willing to work for a company involved in retailing business, pharmaceuticals, building construction or telecommunication. It was long back that I decided of keeping away from IT companies. But if things go that way, I still wouldn't mind. I already have a job that I can take up in Infosys. MBA would be an option after letting that 3.2+ lakhs per anum job go. Money still attracts. Delayed gratification is the preferred deal.
Yesterday I had an elder cousin brother at home. I spent quite a lot of time talking and discussing my next course of action with him. We both spoke a lot. He also told me about his time at the hospital he is studying at. He will be getting married in mid 2008 even before he finishes his formal education. He will still be in the second year of his DNB.
Some days back when I saw my father sitting at the center chair of the dining table, I asked him why he sits there and if he likes feeling powerful by sitting there. He said he sits there because it's just a chair and that he has nothing to do with the power involved in it. He even said that I can sit whenever I want. On Sunday evening my mother asked me to move on the another chair when my father was about to sit. I asked my father if he wanted to sit on the center chair again. He hardly paid attention. All these talks were casual but important. I don't have any special interests in sitting there. I would be equally fine even if my brother sits there or my mother.
We don't have any reservations at home based on seniority in age. While knowing what our duties and responsibilities are, we keep ego and feelings of superiority away from our daily being. I have seen it at other places where children are expected to greet their elders first with 'salaam'. Children are questioned if they don't do it. At my house we believe in the 'hadees' that the one who greets first gets more merits. It's plain religion. We also don't believe in bowing down in front of anybody to show respect neither in raising hands while greeting. Bowing in front of anybody other that Allah is 'shirk'.