Too Rich Or Too Poor

I have died so little today, friend, forgive me. 

- Thomas Lux 

I badly want to write though little do I know what to; that's insignificant. I spent almost the whole day in the group-study room of the library. Thrice I stood at the glass wall overlooking a construction site wondering what's going wrong. Wondering doesn't help much; thinking might but actions always do. Some places seem as if they have been a part of my life for a long, some people give that impression too and some just seem to say "you are weird, too sticky; better stay away". Alhamdulillah places don't speak. Logic and the need for love don't go well together.

I had to submit a 'take-home' midterm test on Friday before 7 pm. I had 26 hours of time to answer 5 questions. I remember studying the DES and the Triple - DES algorithm back in engineering; one of the questions expected me to write an algorithm to attack a variant of DES called MV DESX and recover the keys. The approach I adopted was 'meet-in-the-middle attack'. I am not sure what the professor expects but I was glad I could come up with the technique. I slept only 2 hours the other night, 3 hours on Friday evening and it's 6:06 am now. I need to retire at the earliest.

All of the 24 hours in a day seem to be different. It's different when I talk to my room mates, it's something when I talk to parents, it's something else when I talk to friends and the rest of the time is disturbing. I need to be doing something that either keeps my mind busy not letting it think a few things or just something that reduces the sense of feeling. I don't miss home much now, I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah, I am used to the new place, I like the people here, I have a sense of belonging, I have many things I can do and enjoy; I just can't think of a single person I can call up whenever I feel the excruciating need to talk, share and show love to; peace is absent.

A Notebook Worth 22 Years

Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.  

- Zelda Fitzgerald   

I always hated going to school back in India. I remember rejoicing even very small changes in routine whenever they happened - not going to home after school some times and instead to my father's shop which he used to run many years back, to some relative's house or for shopping. I would wait all through the week, counting days, for Saturday to come so that I could go to my grandparent's house. It was an almost same routine for 12 long years. There were financial constraints, things I had to enjoy only by looking at them and dream. I am happy those days are over. I remember something very important my mother wanted me to learn: "never spread your legs beyond the limits of your blanket".

Once in a blue-moon my father used to pick me up from school. I waited for such days. The days seemed too long. After a painful wait, I used to run after the class to the parking lot searching for my father. I always knew where he was going to park his scooter. And from distance I would see him and forget the whole world. I used to try controlling my lips but they smiled uncaring the moment I saw him. He used to have his dark glasses on and I could smell the sweet scent of his aftershave 'Old Spice' the moment I went close to him. He would then take me to his shop and back home late in the evening. The same lousy, heartbreaking and tiresome routine would continue from the following day.

The hope of a better future kept motivating me. I somehow knew everything I wanted was going to come someday. I still can't believe how important every single Rupee was to me just a decade back. Using Dollars seemed strange initially; I was converting them into Rupees before buying even bananas. It's different now alhamdulillah. I, now have finally come to understand what's expensive and what's worth the stuff I am buying. Everywhere we go, wisdom is in adjusting to things we cannot change and changing things that must be changed. I am learning where to cut and where to set it loose. Loving includes knowing when to hold on and when to let it go.

Monday I slept at 7 am and got out of bed at 5 pm though had an alarm on my phone for 2 pm initially which kept getting added by an hour twice. Tuesday I slept at almost 8 am and woke up at 4 pm. I had to attend a class at 5:30 pm. There are days I go with less than five hours of sleep. Then there are days I take 10 to 12 hours for the indulgence. The only times I am bothered is when I am not able to do what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. I am not the only one here living this way. I at least have a few days I sleep only for five hours. I know many who indulge even more all through the week. It's 5:05 am right now and two of my room mates are awake.

I don't like the English I am using while writing blog-posts these days. Though I have no problem in expressing what exactly I intend to, it's way to simple. Though I have used some vocabulary in the past even I don't understand now, I believe having a good vocabulary means being able to make the other person understand precisely what you intend to let her know. But even then, I am being too simple and I don't like it. But I guess it shouldn't matter if I remember the premise of my blog. I love the school I am going to now.

Very False Ceiling

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. 
-  The Wonder Years

There were two different days in succession. I realized there are some mistakes we just can't do anything about until we commit them. I draw a horizontal line in the middle when I write '7' but people here don't. It's a thing I chose and Americans didn't. I appreciate and respect that. I was just not told about it by anybody. That was one of the two things that went wrong. I am going to talk to my father's friend tomorrow. I know it's only he after Allah who can make me feel better about it. It doesn't make much difference to anybody but me. I can't bear to see myself making mistakes.

There are so many different kinds of people in this world. Back in India we had this concept of "Unity In Diversity". America is more diverse, there are more kind of different people here, there are people not just from different countries but also different races and there are so many ideals to follow. I think here we can say something like "Diversity and Federal Law". There are several worlds out here living their own lives not interfering with others yet remain peaceful. I am among few new who are mixing up a little. Many of my Indian acquaintances living in the University campus hardly interact with people from other countries. They isolate themselves thinking it's important for their safety.

Some weeks back I went into a debate with an old friend over an article I posted on Facebook. It was getting dirty. I referred it to a cousin and she said it's better we don't go beyond a point and I left it. This friend sent me an e-mail a few days later and said we can still talk on that on an intellectual level. I was glad; I thought I could be more subjective over e-mails. I replied in the softest tone possible. I was expecting a reply in a similar tone. I just didn't feel like reading it after the first paragraph. I won't reply to it; I am not even going to read it. My cousin was right - in matters of religion, people don't respond well when you talk logically.

Somebody Else's Dream

"Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." 
"I know," said Pooh humbly.” 

- Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

Some times it's just a greeting with a smile that can change the rest of the day. Obviously smiles are said to spread happiness and all that that comes attached with smiles is proclaimed in well-known proverbs and sayings, but some smiles are different - they carry themselves to the future, show new doors and simply mesmerise. If I get to read today's post, say, a decade from now, I am sure just the first two lines are enough to remind me of how I enjoyed a few minutes of my life today and how the rest of my time was blessed. I hope and pray to Allah that it's a start of something that would last forever.

An hour was added to all clocks today. It didn't surprise me like how it happened last November. I am yet to correct my wrist watches. I just lost an hour which means I get an hour less to sleep. I have lots of sleep in my eyes but I am simply in love with reality that I don't want to go to bed. But I know once I am there it's going to get tough to wake up again. Alhamdulillah I don't find anything I need to complain about to Allah. I just pray to Allah that I remain blessed the way I have been since I was born. Though there have been some grave losses, some irreparable damages done and a thing I shouldn't have ever said, there is nothing I would like to change in my past. Allah created reality and I love it. SubhanAllah.

I have stopped keeping track of so many things. Priorities clearly stand out of everything I want to do and have been dreaming of doing. Happiness is definitely made in those very small instances of time. It's better to loose the will and desire to do a few things than to do them and repent later. There are so many things in my life alhamdulillah that make me say "yes, a thing of beauty is a joy forever". Things have been changing fast and I have been appreciating every bit of it. I come to a point now from where I really have no idea what's going to come next. I like this expanse of time. But I know it will change again. I am after bigger things. Smiles make a lot of difference to me. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday's

It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.

- Colette

A tree fell on my room mate's car Friday morning. Loud continuous knocks on the door woke me up at 10:15 am. It was some maintenance guy who asked me if the blue car standing outside hidden by the tree was mine. As a general understanding that bad things don't usually happen to us - though of course Allah decides - I told him it wasn't mine. But still I gave a casual look from the balcony. I ran back inside and woke my friend up. We both ran out to check out. His insurance company said his car is covered only for liability and the apartment's insurance company said they don't cover damages due to acts of nature. Though alhamdulillah the damage was very less when it could have been severe, it's something that left a bad memory. We decided we would park our cars away from trees; always inshAllah.

Thursday after visiting the career expo this same friend asked me if I was in a mood to play pool. I am always in mood for that. We played table tennis for almost an hour. It doesn't happen always that we all four room mates meet at one place at one time. I enjoy it every time I get a chance to spend time with them. A couple of hours back we were watching comedy scenes from some Hindi movie and enjoying them. Our new room mate from Tanzania keep us entertained. I am glad I am not like other people here living in their cocoons, seeing the same places everyday and doing the same things every night. Alhamdulillah it's so wonderful. I am in love with everything Allah has blessed me with.

For those who look at their life the way Allah wants them to, there are always many things to enjoy and cherish right at the place they are in. No matter how far we live from out parents, no matter how much we miss people, there is always something to enjoy today which won't be there tomorrow. I remember talking to my parents about this once - if we want to have something, if Allah has made it Halaal for us and if we can afford it, it becomes mandatory for us to obtain it. When Allah blesses us with something, He wants us to use it. My heart just keeps overflowing with nobody to take it.

March 6th

I always wondered, when a butterfly leaves the safety of its cocoon, does it realize how beautiful it has become? Or does it still just see itself as a caterpillar?" 
- The Air I Breathe (2007)

It's not that I can't write a few paragraphs daily. There was a time when I was writing every day for several months in succession. Two out of five times I start writing I start with seeing myself trying to kill the feeling of being poetic in my words. It's not the outcome that I am afraid of. It's simply not a pleasant thing to be writing a poem for what all goes through as a thought process is unpleasant. Not writing an impressive poem is just about another thing. And it's not that smooth to have something in mind and give something else in words. It's not faking; it beats the purpose of archiving thoughts.

In the past week I worked for almost 44 hours in total. It's manageable alhamdulillah. Though Google Maps says it takes 32 minutes for one-way journey I mostly manage it in under 30 minutes. The speed limit on the freeway I use is 60 miles but keeping in tune with the traffic flow pushes it beyond 65. Usually on my return journey I take 70 and stay alert looking for flickering blue and white lights. They always increase my heartbeat. Though I have perfect documents, insurance and license alhamdulillah, I prefer staying away from cops. But when I am not driving, the sight of a police man makes me feel safer.

It feels awesome when I press the gas on the v6 engine. The sound it makes, the acceleration it gives and the happiness it gives is mesmerising. It was so different when I used to drive on a v2 back in India. Even the v4 I had for a few days never gave so much fascination. Of course there are several cars on the roads with v8 in them; I don't think much about them. There will be time for many other things inshAllah. I remember my friend used to tease me telling I miss the adventure of riding bikes. When he gets to drive something like this inshAllah he will know what he has been missing. I see sport bikes here, I love the sound they make and the speed they travel at but I never think of riding them. My cousin had one and he once asked me to take a try. I said I never learned to ride bikes.

My brother went against my parent's directions that we shouldn't ride two-wheelers. Even as my mother kept asking him to keep away from them he continued and tried almost every kind of bike available on Hyderabad's roads. Yesterday alhamdulillah he got a brand new bike as a birthday gift from my mother. I am more excited than I was when I bought a car here. Though I am worried about the traffic in Hyderabad and my brother's safety and also the fact that my parents themselves went ahead with something they had always kept me away from, I am glad my brother owns a bike now. It's his birthday today. He is 18.

We had a career expo today at the university having 93 companies visiting. All of them were looking for students and alumni to fill co-op and internship positions. A small number of them were willing to take students with F1 status. I reached the place with my room-mate friend 30 minutes before closing. Then most important thing I needed was the list of all companies with the details of the vacant positions they had so that I can apply for them online. I dresses up fully formal and felt like myself again after so many days. The American lady at the check-in desk complimented at my shirt even while I have a messy looking beard and long hair like I have never kept before . Alhamdulillah I had so many wonderful looking shirts but hardly would I get any compliments in India. Strangers at times are sweet. Here, giving compliments is never flirting even if the other person is a complete stranger.

Once Upon A Time In Dallas

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. 

- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith 

I guess it was more that 10 years back at my aunt's house's lawn I was standing with my father when he said to me that I should always consider him my friend. A few years back he told me he would never leave me. Alhamdulillah I get to talk to him daily. I talk to my mother when the night start and before going to bed it's my father. I avoid talking to both of them at once. If I do that then I won't have the chance to talk to any of them again until the next day arrives. I mostly prefer enjoying luxuries slow.

Yesterday, just after a test I had, my room mate picked me up at 9 pm outside the ECS building. A few minutes later we were four people watching 'Unborn' at a theatre in Plano. We followed it with a dinner at IHOP. Earlier in the day I had lists of things ready to be finished in the coming 48 hours. Alhamdulillah I am done with them all - there were lease papers to be taken care of, bills to be paid online, a test to be taken, an assignment to be submitted and some commitments to be delivered. I could list out hour by hour detail on my last five days and wonder how I could do all that. But when I stare at the bottom line perhaps the only thing to cherish is Allah helping me all through.

Though I comb my hair at least once daily but I got to see my face in the mirror today. My hair have grown up beyond being called accepted and my beard seem to have taken over my complexion. The moment I realized about them I ended up saying "oh!". I remember saying "oh!" when I calculated the number of kilometers I drove on Saturday early morning. I said "oh!" when I checked out the cost of a Dollar in Rupees. I said "oh!" when I realized how long it has been since I have had any form of conversation with any friend from India. 

Though

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

- Kahlil Gibran 

I am sure it was at least 6 am when I fell asleep on Saturday. A call woke me up even before 8 am making me busy four hours ahead of my plans. I returned home late after 8 pm seeing heavy traffic on a freeway for the first time alone. I slept again after 4 am with a short nap in between. 8:40 am I was up and I am yet to get to sleeping. It's 3:15 am already. Just a few days back I was sleeping for more than 10 hours a day. Both ways work good for me alhamdulillah.

I got to talk to three of my friends today - all online. Perhaps I started writing today's post just to record this. I badly need to go to bed but I am not satisfied with the amount I have thought till now and not done with so much I need to think.

My father's friend returned from Hyderabad Friday after a week long trip. This was his first visit to India this year. I started feeling safe again the moment he called me to say he was back. I met him yesterday and told him how insecure I feel when he is not here. Not that I call him frequently for everything, not that there is nobody else in Dallas I can call if I need anything - there are many people alhamdulillah, but perhaps just because he is a good friend of my father and also like a friend of mine that I feel the security. And I guess his presence makes it a little more easy for me to stay away from my parents.

The Life Writing

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite.  Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance.  Everyone is just waiting. 

- Dr. Seuss 

There were a host of things I wanted to write in the last post itself but I felt I would loose the flow I was into then. It obvious most of the time I don't like doing things that change my mood unless it be for necessity. Today I have been trying to set myself up on this page but the willingness to share things isn't gaining weight. Thinking of course is not that so impossible, but thinking on something I don't find humble enough to be pinned up is rather a gamble. The stakes are high that I would mess up presenting a picture I would otherwise never. Doing something is always risky. One must do nothing and say nothing to avoid criticism. For the second time I end up having something I think I can't share with anybody.

I slept for voluminous number of hours yesterday I am ashamed to reveal. My room mates know it, they understand it and one of them does it too so I have got some company. After I woke up I had 30 minutes to get ready and catch the bus to the college. I didn't buy a parking tag for my car to save $48. But I guess inshAllah I will make the deal soon - it's always nice to be free from thinking and planning with bus timings guiding our plans. But we don't get to have such options everwhere. We are forced to accept others' preferences, console our hearts and respect boundaries. It's not so easy always. I just want to be sure I am doing the right things.

I cooked khichidi and tamatey ki chutney yesterday. I was surprised how well they tasted. I used canned tomatoes. I was worried they won't get cooked easily or they would taste too sweet but alhamdulillah a few drops of lemon juice made them taste wonderful. Today after the two evening classes I called up my room mate friend to tell him how hungry I was. By the time I reached home he had kept a pizza ready for me. We get these pizzas from Wal-mart for $1.25 each. They just need 13 minutes in the oven at 400F to taste awesome. I wish we could control few more things this way. But as always Allah will decide for us. He is the best One to do that.

Eleven Minutes

When she opened her eyes, Veronika did not think 'this must be heaven'. Heaven would never use a fluorescent tube to light a room, and the pain - which started a fraction of a second later - was typical of the Earth. Ah, that Earth pain - unique, unmistakable.

- Veronika Decides To Die, 1998, Paulo Coelho   

We behaved like we were drunk while cooking dinner. We had several reasons to laugh - all created out using wit and humour. One of my room mates has things to share from Mumbai, the other has things from Pakistan and I have from Hyderabad. We always pity chicken whenever we cook it. Sheep and cows get to spend some time in the meadows, idle around for a while, see some blue skys, behave like drunk and see this world. Poor chicken never get to experience any of these - half of them are either fried or boiled before they enter this world and the other half only to get slaughtered. We had a full uncut frozen chicken in our freezer asking for its rights to be cooked and eaten. We let it have it for free today.

I set out for the university at 9 am on Monday. I had an assignment to submit before 4 pm and a test at 5:30 pm. I knew it was going to be a long day for me. What I didn't know appeared when I sat with two friends at the fourth level of the McDermott library overlooking a construction site with the mirrors of Student Union complex showing signs of dirt reflecting the construction activity. I wonder why the group-study room in the library is always colder than the other areas. It makes a lot of things difficult. Nevertheless I like that place a lot more than the other lobbies and study areas. It was something else today.

We had seven questions to answer and my two friends were there working on it since 30 minutes before I joined them. I opened my laptop, entered the password and stared at the right corner of the screen seeing how fast WiFi connects me to the network. I wanted to think more about the test I had in the evening and the assignment I had to submit in the late afternoon. They didn't seemed important  - I have submitted so many assignments in the past and appeared for so many tests - it was not my over-confidence though. It was something else; at least today.

The chicken wanted to move out of its tightly sealed package. We had curd, pasta sauce, curry leaves, cilantro leaves and a lot many ingredients including onions asking for their rights' fulfilment. We awarded them everything for dinner. The other day we even awarded the frozen mutton's right to get cooked and eaten in the form of sumptuous, delicious biryani. It took us four hours to assure those rights. It was a worthy ride through so many procedures that included skills with grinding, frying, mixing, timing and most importantly, patience. Alhamdulillah. There is so much to enjoy in this world given to us by Allah yet so few people willing to enjoy it.

I kept my eyes open at the library, opened all the PDF files I had to read, hoped they would help me, looked at what my friends had done till then and tried to put my focus on the seven questions. I was simply not meant to put strain on my mind this morning. The brute force I had depended on had altered my track of thought. Whatever world I had been living in seemed empty once again. What I did clearly knew that it was time to plan. I had waited 11 months for a day to come, it came and it went away. That is obviously what I was waiting for. I did submit my assignment - a good 13 minutes before the deadline.

We had some proofs to write in the course Introduction to Cryptography - all using the concepts of probability. I was well aware I would have to study a lot of math in this course but I had no idea about the kind of math - I was expecting calculus; nothing like probability I prefer staying away from. I like things I can understand; things that others can understand; so that at least I can count on somebody to teach them to me. It's the knowledge that I can't conceive of something and nobody can help me with it that battles my peace. I also understand others' inability to understand either. Alhamdulillah the evening's test went very well.

Late yesterday night and early morning I tried to speak to as many people I could. I just wanted to. I called my cousin but she didn't receive the call all three times. I had assumed she had gone to some party. Today she told me she went to bed early. I don't get disheartened when she is busy or not available to receive my calls - it's like everything when I hear her recorded voice at her voice message box. I didn't call any of my friends but two; I wanted not to get disturbed from my dreams. Those who are a part of our dreams never disturb us. That which is a part of our dreams never disturbs us. What bothers is that which brings an unwanted change. I was shivering sitting in the McDermott library - not becasue of the cold AC, but because of something I had in me.

By Examples

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.  

- Miles Franklin 

I had been sleeping for nine hours daily so had to force myself to wake up three hours short today. It was easy because it was necessary. Lately it had become as difficult for me to wake up as it is difficult to get to sleeping. I go to bed most of the times with something to think about before I end up realizing that one night would not be enough for it. After my breakfast I have to go to the bank and later attend a seminar at 2 pm in the university. There are no classes scheduled for Wednesdays. I still wish I could take a nap for an hour more!

I have a test and an assignment submission coming up for next week. The test seems to be manageable but the assignment scares me with a lot of math in it. The test's in Software Project Planning and Management and the assignment is for Introduction To Cryptography. I knew cryptography would have a lot of math in it but I had no idea about the complexity. It's all in probability which I have always disliked. InshAllah I will manage. We are going to have a test in it inshAllah early next month and it's 'take-home' with very little time to work on. InshAllah I will have have to manage.

It was humid yesterday alongside some rain during daytime. It poured down at night and now it's sunny and cold. It's going to stay bright all day but temperature won't differ much. Weather here teaches change can be more than just constant. It's going to be terribly humid all through summer. The second I felt humidity yesterday, it reminded me of the days when I was new in Dallas and was living with my uncle. It's different world - one with a family around, the other with only some friends and the Internet.