Peace, Calm, Serenity

All it took me to get out of the bed today was will power. I wanted to be there - hidden under the blanket and keep my eyes closed. Darkness seemed to sooth me. The morning has been a little colder compared to previous, or perhaps it was just my tardiness that made it seem so. But I am up now. I had a shower and I have a complete day to go before I write mock CAT tomorrow. It's getting me tensed already.

On Thursday a friend of mine met with an accident. He was on his bike when this happened and he had multiple injuries. There were several scratches on his palms and knees. He got his shoulder injured too. Instead of going to a doctor directly, this guy came to the college to meet his friends. He had bandage on both his palms and knee when he left the college. He allowed nobody to help him reach home.

In a short while I will leave for my uncle's house. I will send the rest of the day there and study. Yesterday night around 11:05 pm, just when I started taking the 6th test in the 1st book of Take offs, I received a call from a friend who asked me to come online. Today he has a test to write and he wanted some help solving a few mathematical problems. It was 2:30 am by the time I went to bed and I woke up again after 4:30 am. I still have sleep in my eyes. I can keep it there as long as I am determined to finish some big tests today. I have a heavy way ahead.

My Keyboard Is Mightier

Some months back six boys were suspended from my college. I don't have the knowledge of what followed after their suspension and the number of days they were out. But there was one person who was made very famous (if famous is the right description to give) - the girl who got those guys suspended. Her complain was that those guys 'approached' her; whatever that was supposed to mean!

Everybody was pointing at her whenever she passed by. Nobody asked for those six guys. But this girl became well-known. I didn't see her and so I can't recognise her if she comes in front of me now, but I can talk about several people who know a lot more about her. I really can't say what perception they would have of her.

Some days back I came to know that there was a person who had considered complaining about me and getting me suspended too. The point in mentioning the above incidence is that I don't know what kind of guys those six people were. I also don't know if what they did was punishable. I don't know if there was any enquiry made by the college's management into what exactly had happened. And because of this lack of knowledge, I can't comment anything about that girl. All I can say is that she lost her respect. Whatever the facts said, the truth was her image. Nobody knows the six guys.

Yesterday I was with four of my friends at a restaurant after 'iftaar' and for almost 30 minutes we discussed my suspension from the college which never really took place. Though I heard from my friends things I couldn't contemplate - the opinions were varied - I returned home and spent time on understanding. I even prayed for wisdom.

I compared several possibilities. I could fight it myself but girls are always trusted in the society I come from. A girl is always right. Someday if I go and complain that some girl is causing trouble to me, I would invite trouble for myself. But when a girl complains, nobody would try finding the truth; they will punish the guy. Here is where parents will come in. The focus should be on the truth that they would be my parents and not of college or that girl. They will be with me. I know how to shout. I know how to hide secrets and spin the truth. And yes of course, I remember the dialogue from the movie 'Thank You For Smoking', "when you are arguing right nobody can prove your wrong".

I know I was never wrong. Maybe I was unreasonable, but I never went against any rule. I never teased anybody, I never tortured anybody, I never ragged, I never caused any physical harm. I never spoke to that person as well. I wonder what case she would have presented against me. Was she going to show some papers to the college management telling that I have given them to her? Did she think they won't read it? And as a reminder, there was no name written on those three sheets of paper.

In his book, 'How to Win Friends and Influence people', Dale Carnegie says that an argument can never make me win over the other person. And by the ethics I intend to keep, I would have never tried to spin any truth, but I would have rather presented more facts. People don't understand truth. When truth is spoken, they get divided. They start having their own views. It would be a separate thing to mention here that that girl never had the courage to talk to me directly face to face. She can get support, sympathy and empathy from any number of people, but nobody can prove me wrong or bad. I don't understand why people forget God. Don't they think before they open this mouths?

'Facts - Truth' has been the theme of my posts in the recent days. I kept dissolving that unpublished post in these posts and I suppose I have done it well. I stand for all I have written. Anybody interested is welcome to start ihatezubair.blogspot.com if they will. I never asked anybody to become my girlfriend. I spoke about commitments; I spoke about responsibilities; I spoke about respect; I spoke about what was perfectly legal. I did this through my parents in the best respectable manner it could be done. I didn't do any 'shit'.

If some people don't know me, don't know what all I have done, I find no reason why they should take sides and support anybody. Yesterday one of my friends said something he had told me once more than two years back - he said something about my taste. He even said that if I had been successful in what I tried for, it wouldn't have been worth all that. I asked him if he could say this in front of everybody. I don't know if he didn't hear my question or if he avoided answering it.

Whenever I think of such things, I am reminded of the fox who termed the grapes as sour when he couldn't get them! I am not like that. I can always write my victories and defeats here. And I can present them well - as the title says.

I can never hate a person for more than a day. I tried that several times. I couldn't keep myself with a grudge for any person for more than 24 hours, I could just preserve some words and reproduce them. And if I talk of hatred, it would take away from me the right of talking about love. It's love that erases the hatred from me. It's not in me to cause to hurt anybody. If somebody thinks that he or she is getting insulted or defamed because of what all I am writing here, the person is free o talk to me. Directly - face to face.

I know I had intentions of desecration, but I never executed them. I dissolved my anger in my words. I just wrote what I could opine and perceive of. That's the objective of my blogs. I can as well write all this in a personal diary, but I am not a person who is too shy to hide himself in a shelf. Even if I write very bad about a person, it should be noted that I am the one who wrote that letter and "This Is Madness". I wish I could live it all my life. But it's time to face the truth.

I know how divided people can be. How even my closest people can think that what I have done was not right but still be with me just because they have been with me always. I know how I myself do it several times. I also know how wonderful it feels to see that there are people who stand by me. But I don't understand how people can think that I am wrong when there are more people who think that I was never wrong. Is it that these people supporting me are fools? Or is it that considering suspending me was wise? If considering it was wise, then what would doing it be?

I wish I never had to write all these things here. But my blog is the only thing that would listen and be with me. I need to let things out. I am driven by my ego. I love myself the most. The problem only came in once. And it won't happen again. I am living for my dreams now and I am not worried about the time they are going to take. I am my only responsibility. I don't work now to make my parents proud. I am here for myself.

I apologise if I was in bad taste anytime but I don't regret it. I did what had to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. No matter how long it takes. I am learning what money is. I am learning what love is. I am learning how they can go together. I seek wisdom from Allah. I know how terribly wrong I can be.

They See Money, Not Hearts. Because They Can't

So, this is the 350th post - the fact. Yesterday's post was 350th in true sense. I mention this in case there is anybody who doesn't understand the point I take as a difference when I mention truth and facts as different entities. Facts are the objects that can verily be used to obscure any idea or event. Statistics too are of similar category. Facts hide the truth. Facts prolong judgement. Facts prevent clear understanding of the truth. An intelligent person knows how to use facts to prove any fallacy as acceptable. But truth stands alone - it needs no facts to be proven correct. A truth itself is an ultimatum that is bound to prevail and succeed.

Today I got XAT's form. This will be the end of deciding what tests to take. The next idea is to decide on the colleges I must apply for, and that largely depends on my preparation. I will wait for a few more mocks before I finalise the list of the colleges I will try for and until then it's just sit and study. I simply have no other option. I didn't do anything substantial today apart from getting the form. It took me more than 2 hours to reach home in the evening given the heavy, slow-moving traffic. It was my turn today to get the snacks and even after being very tired, I had to do my work. I slept for an hour immediately after the 'iftaar'. I reached home around 9:45 pm after the prayers.

I am hoping to crash out by 12:30 am. Yesterday it was almost 1:30 am, and the night before it was 2 am. The whole sleeping sequence has been turned upside down. Perhaps that's how I learn things - letting things go up side down then salvage from them. Engineers are expected to work in shifts; I have seen that when I was in Genpact. Being there was a wonderful experience - I learnt by shear observation. The way people work, their psychology, the corporate working, the money behind it, the money spent on petty things just to keep up with some principle decided by the corporate, the management of thousands of people, the management of the system - it was all an experience for me. But nothing was up side down there except for the shifts which seemed to be.

But when I do a job I would not like myself to be there as an engineer. If I end up at Infosys, I would feel exactly how Howard Roark felt when he had to work at Peter Keating's firm. I have related myself to this experience of Howard Roark from the novel 'Fountainhead'. Though it can all sound absurd that I put it this way, it helps me define things. I cannot put all my thoughts into words, and so, using a language of this sort helps. Books and ideas do teach us different languages which become far more complex than the ones we use for general conversation. They work at an emotional level as if triggering some critical corners of the brain and explaining us perceptions which couldn't have been made more lucid in any other way. The book that made me aware of such languages, though I had been already using them, was 'Who Moved My Cheese'.

Today, another thought that passed by me gave a little unrequited pain. The thought was rather a reminder of a fact that things still remain in me and I need to blow every bit of them out of my heart. It will be like cleaning every corner of a box using a blower, and making it void of even a single particle of dust. The blowing for this purpose must be done regularly until there is nothing more left to be targeted - and it can't be done in a single go. Even a single bit can later cause to become a hindrance. Every corner must be checked. I was reminded how I used to pray for the well being of some person and how I was termed as 'shit' in return.

I am still the truth. The facts argue I am not

This could have been the 350th post on this blog if I had not kept one still as a saved draft. But I suppose putting that here without showing the reason would make no sense. There is a chat showed to me by a friend, which he once had with a friend of his, that had prompted me to write it. He showed that chat to me probably to justify what he did; but I don't still understand him and his intentions.

I was with my parents for two days continuously - morning to evening. Yesterday in the evening we all sat at the dining table to have the 'iftaar' and I began to wonder when it was the last time there was such an occasion we four were dining together at home this way. Of course we sit together when there are guests at home, but everyday for dinner the time is spent in front of the television.

My chats with my friends have been revolving around only three things these days. The first thing: 'iftaar' parties. Second: about that chat and my unpublished post. Third: I can't write that here! I thought about that chat, that post and the implied facts and truths; everything I could: I did the things right, but I didn't do the right thing. She didn't do the things right, but she did the right thing. The wrong thing I did was taking a start. I can justify all I did after that. But I won't; I would look naive. What she did shouldn't be discussed. Because it was discussed in that unpublished post, it has remained unpublished. A girl's respect is more valuable. And I am not a girl.

So why does your pride make you run and hide?

I turned on the computer after 10:20 pm today and I had to heed to my parents' call for dinner immediately. My mother came home late in the evening today from Warangal. She was there for two days and will leave again tomorrow morning only to return in the evening. That will be the final day of her work there. She spent the night yesterday at her uncle's place who lives there. He happens to be my maternal grandfather's elder brother.

I spent good time with books today. It was needed and I feel much better now having finished so many tests. It feels great to complete a book, write on it's cover page that I have taken all the tests from it, and return it to the table. I have done that to two books till now and in a couple of days I will take care of two more books. There are loads more to come.

This week I don't have any mock test and I am planning to spend time with my cousins. It's been long since I have met any of them. This Saturday I have to attend a day-long workshop on quantitative part of CAT. I am still waiting for more information about it from the student advisor of CL. From that last mock's effiency of 33% I moved to 51% this Sunday. And today I clocked 380+ words per minute as my reading speed. I find it more in tune with my moods.

Can I schedule an outrage?

Yesterday I had written a 15 paragraph post which still remains as an unpublished draft. I had written it with utmost care not letting even a single emotion escape the comprehension. My objective was to retaliate; to pacify the outrage that had built up within me after I read how my blog and I were termed 'shit'. There were umpteen number of reasons that coerced me to put up a blatant show of the emphatic ripples that were initialized in the ocean of my irrefutable heart. The publishing of all that in this public space could perhaps entail me to have myself surrounded with pressure and verbal infliction which would perchance make me a serious warrior! At least for the time being, I will refrain.

That all, I guess, should be enough to show what I had written could not be explained here taken that it can end up forcing serious implications on some good number of people including me. It could make any reader tell that I was trying to desecrate a person. An objective of mine that surely was. Two of my friends, from whom I took intellectual help, insisted that I keep the 15 paragraphs to myself.

Tomorrow my mother is leaving for Warangal for an official inspection of the District Co-operative Central bank of that district. Her presence there is imperative for the procedures to take place and so, she will spend three days on it. Our servant maid has not turned up for three days now and if she continues the absence, I will be compelled to take care of the cleaning of the house and the kitchen work. I am looking ahead to the experience.

After taking four tests on philosophy and management topics as reading-comprehension passages, I confirmed my reading speed to be around 330 words per minute with a satisfactory comprehension. With no immediate contempt towards my reading ability, I understand that I need to move myself to an invariable speed of 450+ words per minute. The satisfaction I could then obtain would be more profound. I shall do it when Allah wills.

I talk big. I dream big. I write big. I am of a belief that a person need not already be practicing an act to preach it. Because if that becomes an aphorism, all talkof goodness will cease to exist. Provided that no person can be perfect, no person should be prevented from talking about perfection. If we are not allowed to tell others what is good if we happen not to be ardent practitioners of that good, then it is a pity that the good will be buried under the severity of the absurdness.

Allah knows the faith in me; and the intensity of that faith. Any person who has a view of my behavior from far can never talk about my faith; neither can I when I myself am not in a state to give a judgement of me. If I take the shadow of my religion to commit sin, then I am the one to suffer. If a person critiques me of having done such an act, then that person be damned for she has no knowledge of herself and her faith; let alone of me. Of all blessed by Allah I know, I am the most blessed.

A mistake committed by a friend of mine with no intention of doing it, but in fact with a consideration of possible pain to me, has caused an embarrassment to me which I shall never forget all my life. The embarrassment will keep reminding me of itself should I ever tend to forget it as a practice of enforced will which in principle should be implemented. I appreciated the content I spilled using the keyboard yesterday after having read it for I wanted to remind myself of the factual emotions I had mustered. How much I wish to have it published here and read. It would be called profanation. Wouldn't that be a sight?

I want what all men want, I just want it more

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity; and so we ask ourselves: Will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?

I had a chat with an old friend yesterday night when he told me that we would be meeting at least three times during Ramzaan to have some some parties. He mentioned about a trip we should make to Pizza Hut and maybe some other places too. I just told him that the day before I had slept at 4 am in the morning after working for the presentation of a project in college, and I told him that I have a mock test to write on Sunday. I just wanted to show him that I was busy and might not be able to commit on my presence whenever he goes out with rest of the friends in Ramzaan.

I have already began to feel an aversion towards the 'Iftaar meal' Pizza Hut offers during the holy month - it gives an option between two varieties: a chicken flavor and a vegetarian one; the crusts of both of which taste like compressed marie biscuit moistened with water. The last year I had this four times - once for myself, and the rest of the times for my friends. This time, I will try to keep that number at zero.

Yesterday along with two of my friends I gave our final year's project's seminar. I enjoyed the time I spent on making the slides; even after keeping myself busy and concentrated on one thing for 5 continuous hours in front of the computer I didn't get even a slight feeling of doing any hardwork. But I wasn't satisfied with the way I gave the presentation. The first two minutes during the talk I found myself tensed; and when I began to feel comfortable, my mouth tried up and I was not able to talk fluently. Due to the dryness my tongue was getting glued to the upper palate in the mouth. Alhamdulillah I could manage.

We have been asked to submit a report on the seminar and I am in no mood right now to give a thinking to it. Maybe tomorrow, when I feel like, I will do it. When I went to bed at 4 am on Friday, the only worry I had was about the presentation slides - I was worried what would happen if my computer crashed. Unlike how I save my all my important files on GooglePages, I had not saved the presentation. Alhamdulillah it was safe when I woke up. I spent an hour more in the morning.

I think I would be obliged if the presentations could come of any help to anybody. The links are
http://xubayr.z.googlepages.com/ElectronicBankingUsingScrambledData.ppt
http://xubayr.z.googlepages.com/rijndael_ingles20041.swf
I created a copy of all my bookmarks on the Internet and saved copy of it as an HTML file. Here it is. http://xubayr.z.googlepages.com/all_bookmarks.html