Reflection and contradiction

If we believe a thing to be bad, and if we have a right to prevent it, it is our duty to try to prevent it and damn the consequences.

— Alfred Milner

A friend's call woke me up at 10:20 am. He made me do a few things before I could sleep again. But I was continuously being disturbed by messages on my phone. I finally had my breakfast at 1:20 pm. Before that I had a couple of bananas. I was, without any doubt, feeling hungry but laziness and lack of reason kept me on the bed till so late.

I have always known that I have tried to keep a distinguishable wall around me that only I can see. The wall reflected my priorities and I knew it could at times cause discomfort to me as a direct consequence. Now I understand it can do more than just that. It becomes difficult for me to choose between friend, cousins and myself.

I sometimes decide to be alone at home or be with parents and somebody calls me up asking if he could come over to my house. At times I plan to go out to some relatives house and the same thing happens. There are occasions too when I want to be with my friends but my parents compel me to opt for something else. In between all this, I feel neglecting my cousins.

I don't know if others too face these situations. I sure do have some - very few friends - I am always ready to meet and be with. In fact so many times I long to be with them. They are not available always. These are my friends with whom I have shared almost everything that runs within me and I find no difficulty in having them as my top priority among people. I don't know if I know them well but I have always tried to keep myself transparent for them.

The problem comes when other friends vie for the priority. Not that they are aware of it but the situation makes me have some preferences used and I don't like using them. Sometimes I simply don't fell like meeting a few of them. I never complain but my mood does. The friends I have mentioned above - the ones I try to be transparent with - suit all my moods. I guess saying 'suit all my moods' would be similar to degrading human dignity; I don't mean to do that. I just like them always and I prefer their company at any given time. The other friends do not comply with such idea.

I know being this way can have me loose some of the good friends I have. I fear being called a hypocrite. I dream being left alone. I do not like being a bad person even if nobody would ever come to know about the distasteful me. I don't remember losing my temper outside my house or in front of people other than my brother and parents. I will continue with that but having to reach a point that requires a control in itself is a pity. I am not suppose to reach such points. I am not expected to get angry at all.

I really, really don't know if there is anybody else with any similar complexities. I don't want to say that it is all perfectly human. Even if it is, I don't want to know. I cannot hold my subconsciousness in my hands and make it work in my favorable and so-felt logical way. I would simply leave it.

It starts from here

If men knew all that women think, they’d be twenty times more daring.

— Alphonse Karr

Saturday evening I was desperate to see Monday come. Monday came and it went. It left a lot with it. And made me realize something important too. I understood how I am going to feel when its the end of engineering and all of us - me and my friends - will take our own ways. One of my friends left for Riyadh early morning today and another friend will be leaving shortly. I will surely miss them a lot.

Monday I was going to meet my friends. Two of them where giving treats to celebrate their birthdays. We had our lunch at The Hub near Panjagutta and ice cream at Baskin and Robins. We had a wonderful time and I reached home around 5:45 pm with a friend. An old friend had come to my house by then. He studies in Amravati and he is here for his vocation. We had lengthy talks mostly about studies. Just before he was leaving another friend came down to my house.

He was with me till 12 midnight. We went outside to have our dinner but everything was closed down. We spent some time at another friend's house, had some fun and I returned home. I had my dinner at 12:30 pm.

Around 11:30 pm my friend called me up to tell me that we will meet only in July now. It really made me feel bad. I know I have to see harder things than this. Late night (early morning) I had a chat with a cousin and it was only then that I felt better. Even today afternoon a friend turned up at my house. It was nice having him here. We spent an hour and he dropped me at Mehdipatnam form where I went to my grandmother's house.

In last 24 to 48 hours I have spent a lot of time enjoying and the rest thinking and contemplating. Though I enjoyed all of it, I know that the thing I am confused about now is weired to the extent and sense that I may sound weired if I attempt explaining here now. I won't do it. Had a talk about it with a friend a little while ago and I felt lighter.

My uncle who lives in US will be here in Hyderabad on 10th of June inshAllah. He will be here after five years. Two of my cousins won't be here. One is in Kyrgyzstan and the other is busy with his studies back in Houston. Two of my aunts who live in Mecca will be here too. Even my cousin from London. I am sure many more people are coming. I am waiting to meet them all.

When I say that I am waiting, it is supposed to mean a lot of heavy things for me. I will be starting with my preparation for CAT in a day. Then there is something very important I will be stepping into. In July I will start with my mock CAT tests. Then the campus placement interviews from August. Then CAT, MAT and XAT in the last two months of this year. The next six months are bound to be tough and they will make a very big difference to me and many things around me. At this moment of time, some silly thing is bugging me. Huh!

My cousin from Gulbarga called me in the evening. He started with asking em to update my blog. He scolded me for not doing it. All I could do was feel very nice. It was sweet of him to call. Even a friend asked me about the blog sometime back. I feel really nice when I am asked about my blogs. This is the 299th post here.

I spoke for some good time with my cousin. We discussed many things. He is busy preparing for his exams. But he is alone at home. His parents are in Sakaka, Saudi Arabia and his elder brother is here in Hyderabad. In Hyderabad inshAllah he will start with his DNB orthopedics at a well known hospital shortly.

I spoke a lit with my grandmother too today. I went there to talk to her; to listen to what she has to say. I asked about the past - about my grandfather's family and her family. I was amazed to know that there are so many relatives who are supposed to be close enough in relation to us but are hardly in contact. She told me about the people who are living and many people who have left this world. Almost everything I heard kept reminding me of my grandfather. And all the while I was listening to my grandmother, I somehow felt that my grandfather was still there in his room. Allah is beautiful.

My cousin scolded me telling that he had enough with seeing that picture with a slipper and the Charminar. I knew I was being a little lazy. Yesterday I didn't write because I didn't want to capture my sad mood - I was already missing my friend and the chats we were having almost everyday till late nights and early mornings. I didn't feel like writing on Sunday. I don't remember what happened on Saturday. I just remember playing cricket with my brother in the evening!

I am not able to fall asleep easily now a days. I go to bed and keep lying for a lot of time tossing and waiting for sleep to hold me. And once I catch up with it, I don't feel like leaving it. I however feel sleep as a waste of time, but I understand it's importance. I will be changing some habits in the days to come.

Tomorrow I have to attend a class at CL at 9:30 am. There I will catch up with the in-charge and explain him how it will be n my benefit if I can find some parallel batch on weekends. I can go there only on Saturdays and Sundays. I hope they can help me. Even my friend there too wants the same thing. InshAllah some way will be found.

Innocents don't throw stones standing inside a mosque

"Whosoever slays an innocent person ... it is as if he had slain humankind altogether." The Holy Quran (5:32)

The above verse of the Holy Quran has nothing to do with the religion of the person or persons involved. Perhaps I should also find some verse or verses from the Holy Quran stating how important it is to keep patience. Along with this, I would also take the pleasure of saying that I find no reason why I should panic. There can be a worry perhaps - of possible riots.

There is supposed to be an 'ijtema' starting from Saturday in Hyderabad where more than 1.5 million people 'were' expected to attend. I had never previously - in the last last few days - thought of going there and I won't be going. I have nothing 'for' or 'against' it. But if people are taking it as an opportunity to show some form of unity among our people by attending it, then they better use some other name for the congregation and not 'ijtema'.

I have seen people talking on several things since late afternoon. None of these conversations had any intention of finding any resolutions. I received several messages of phone but none reminded me of how our prophet Muhammed (pbuh) kept patience even when he was abused and attacked. No message told me that Hazrath Hamza (may Allah be pleased with him) fought a great battle within himself - not responding to the atrocities of the pagans.

After seeing people pelting stones standing at the gates of a mosque at the policemen, I wonder what difference is left between the ones who kill innocent humans and these people. Those who kill innocents, kill the humanity; those who 'use' a mosque for barbaric acts kill the honor of Muslims. I do not support people who do not support peace. I follow a peace loving religion.

They say a 'bandh' will increase the intensity of the protests people are carrying out. The person responsible for guiding this 'bandh' will be accountable for every pain that the citizens will be made to suffer as a direct or an indirect consequence of it. Allah has the knowledge of everything and surely there is nobody who can match that. He is the Merciful and the Master of the day of judgment. People tend to forget this.

I trust my ethical compass

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes other people sick.

— Mary Wilson Little

It was around 4 pm that I came out of the passport office. It was simple affair for me to have my application submitted there. I was worried thinking that it would be rejected. I had all the necessary papers with me and even some originals. The most important original I guess was my bank account pass-book and a statement of the same thing. They asked me for it and it was there. Alhamdulillah everything went fine.

I was with my father and on our way back home I had a mug of fruit juice. We even went to the office of IREF to buy some CDs. My head was already aching badly because of the heat. I feel as if I have never seen such high temperature before. The empty roads too speak a lot about the temperatures.

My mother was at home today. She had a terrible ear pain yesterday evening and she didn't go to her office today morning and stayed home all day. She even has to go to her check-up which she has been avoiding all this time. I am tired of shouting at her to make her go. Even my father isn't happy with her attitude towards her health. There is simply no person who can explain her that he has to take care of herself.

My brother has finally decided on which mobile service he must go for. He has been making rounds to several shops to get the right thing for him. He came to know about a package from Hutch but that thing doesn't seem to be available easily. Two shop owners have been making him wait for the last 2 days. Tomorrow morning he will be taking a SIM from Airtel and he is decided about it. I hope it doesn't get delayed anymore.

Today I finished my second class at HP learning center. The first one was a single sitting for security layers in networks so it was not at all worth mentioning. The one I got done with today was on Search Engine Optimization (SEO) and I got a certificate for that. It was just a PDF file which I had to download. There were four lessons that were posted one by one every few days and had quizzes with them. Today was the last lesson. This was the first time I had a look at the idea of online classes. I hope to see more of it. I know there are some interactive classes too.

I am NOT the guy your mamma warned you about!

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.

— George Bernard Shaw

Sometime back my brother was playing with a soft rubber ball when he incidentally dropped it towards my father. My father held the ball and refused to give it back. My brother tried to take it away from him forcibly even while he was laughing. I immediately added by asking my father to see how my brother was forcing him to leave the ball. My father asked me to write about it on my blog.

In the evening I met two of my friends at Mehdipatnam. We had to take some photocopies of notes and of course we wanted an excuse to meet. I had to walk a long distance on my way back home. I was in a mood to walk and I did it. My legs are aching now. I woke up after 12 in the afternoon.

Yesterday I reached home after the exam at 2:20 pm. I went to sleep at 4 pm and woke up at 8. This was probably one of the longest of durations I have ever slept during day time. I went to bed in the morning again around 3 am. I had a very sound sleep till 12.

Yesterday I even repaired our old air-cooler. To be precise, repair would not be the appropriate word. I bought a new front-grill and dry grass (I really don't know what exactly it is called as; it is 'khass' here) and fixed it to the cooler. My father did some oiling to the motor and my brother did some cleaning. I was least interested in doing all this, but looking at two of them getting so interested in it, I had to make some action.

Tomorrow I will be going to the passport office. My father said he would take me there. InshAllah this time I will make the application successfully. The last time I went, I understood why India is such an 'India'. I have hardly seen any bureaucracy except for the several months taken by MCH to give us the permission for the construction of 1st floor on our existing house five years back.

I just had a cup of tea. Before that I had honey. I got myself a bottle of that a few days back. I tried it withe milk and sugar but didn't like it's taste that way. I had to add a little coffee to it. I am taking the same combination since then almost daily. It tastes just enough to help me drink it. Some days I tried tasting the fat cream that gets accumulated as a layer on milk. I smelled it first, and I thought it was fine. If I had something in my stomach at that time, I would have vomited it when I tasted that thing.

I have a lot of cleaning work to do at home which I have been avoiding all this time. I even have to wash my clothes which will most probably be done tomorrow. I have to arrange a lot of books and clean a shelf. I know it won't take much time but it is among those things I never feel like doing. Every now and then some scoldings from my mother keep reminding me how lazy I can be. Or probably how lazy I really am.

Some illusion of unspoken reflections

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

— Jean Kerr

My mother left home at 9:50 am. I was half awake then. I had a mango at 11. I was asleep even till 12:30 am. Then I had a lunch kind of meal at 1:50 pm. Along with my brother I left home at 2:20. The previous morning, I slept around 3:30 am. I had a chat with a friend until then. There were some interesting and important topics to be discussed. All along I had 2 to 3 people in my mind - all of them my friends. Nobody else - please!

Today my mother, at her office, was told that she will have to go to Japan for a month to do some study on rural development of women. She rejected outright. She said she is least interested. I wonder what Japan has to offer to co-operative banking. My mother can never think of leaving us for more than a week. Japan is too far.

Yesterday my brother bought a Nokia 6600. My father had not allowed him to spend more than 5000 bucks so he went for a second-hand set. I was barely happy with his choice of a second-hand piece but it was his money and I was there just to give him company. I had called up a friend to help us.

I also finally got to buy new pairs of shoes for me. I purchased them from Shoe Factory at Sanali mall. I had initially thought of making it at Metro but my friend insisted that I try here. I was satisfied with it. I was tired by the time I reached home. But I was awake till 3:30 am.

I have been doing all interesting things I can never really define. I am probably searching for some new idea every single moment I invent on thinking. Until now I was serious about something, and now I am doing trivial things to beat that seriousness. I am doing wonderfully great and I am glad. I am sure its worth it this time around.

I met two of my friend in the afternoon. We had to take some photocopies to study from for the exam on Monday. I got to talk to one of these two friend after we finished our worked. He seems to be lost in something I can call as madness but it also looks closer to foolishness. I cannot define it to perfection. For the record, I trust him only when he repeats things more than once, being at different places. For the rest of his words, only he knows best.

Today I dreamed of deleting my account on orkut.com. I have been thinking about it for a few days now. Some weeks back I thought of deleting my blogs, but later went on to make two of them private. Deleting the account or keeping it happen to be the only two options. There are some people on orkut.com I prefer never talking to via yahoo messenger. So I am still in the thinking bracket. I have also created an account on tagged.com today after getting an invitation from my uncle a couple of days back. I had previously received several invitations but I accepted this.

In my post 'Flawed Simulation' I have described an error in my own being. But I remember simulating several ideas on several occasions. And I have enjoyed them well. In fact I keep doing such things every now and then. There are a few monstrous one I can never forget. One of them being a love-latter I wrote on behalf of a friend. he gave it to his girlfriend. It was written to perfection - no one could ever think that it was not my friend but I who wrote it. I had simulated my existence as my friend's existence by putting myself in his shoes.

Sometimes, I remember, I have taken decisions by imagining myself to be somebody else. It helped me especially when I didn't know what action would be mature or immature. This 'simulation' had put me in some elder person's shoes and had made me think how that person would think if he or she were to be in my place. It helped me. Mostly. And I enjoyed it.

Yesterday while chatting, I told my friend that I was feeling sleepy but didn't want to sleep. I have felt that way before several times. Sleeping looks such a waste of time. But when I go to sleep, something doesn't allow me to wake up again or get out of the bed. Perhaps I am blaming this 'something' which in reality is me. Or it is my laziness. And the laziness belongs to me. It takes a Jihad sometimes!

I am yet to have my dinner and it is already 11 pm. Everybody at home is done with it. I had the lunch after Magrib. I do feel some hunger but I am not much interested in what the food lying on the dining table has to offer. But thats the only thing available. There is some chicken cooked in 'masala' and 'naan ki rooti'. I had the same thing in lunch. I will probably have rice and not the 'naan'. I also want something cold to drink; have to look into the refrigerator. Water won't be sufficient. I thank Allah for everything and more.

Its just a place

"Tell the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity for them; And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.

And tell the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty…" (Quran 24:30-31).

We had some showers here today but that could hardly provide any respite from the heat. All that caused was another power failure. I remember few years back when Mr. Chandrababu Naidu was at the chief minister's office, a power failure used to remind me that something of that kind exists just because it used to happen once in several months. Now a days whenever I start installing some software on my computer or when I am talking something important to somebody through the computer, the threat of power going off keeps haunting me. Power has become the most unreliable of all the commodities. Perhaps that is what it means to the Congress's hand with us!

I finally wrote a post for Flowing Emotions. I don't really know how it is; all I know that I have written and I am happy. I started before dinner, had to take a break for dinner, then had to take a second break to get something from outside, and could at last finish it. Microsoft's Office 2007 seems to be a lot better and more powerful than it's previous version. I can directly publish the posts without having to open blogger.com. Previously there was a separate plugin for this purpose.

Just sometime back I finished taking prints of the marks sheets I have prepared copying the marks of 10th standard students of my father's school. Their results were announced today. Though my father is not completely satisfied, he knows that this is what he can expect the students. These students come from very poor family backgrounds where education hardly means anything. There are many students who study just because my father and my uncle have convinced them and are giving them free education. There are some girl students who flunked in one subject out of the six. When I told my father that they can clear that in the instant examinations, he told me that their parents won't be interested in it. Their parents just want their daughters to get married. This was very saddening. This is how it works my father said.

I hardly did anything today apart from sleeping. In the evening I completed some cleaning, then I wrote this article on the other blog and created marks list in MS - Excel. It was just data feeding. And it was boring. The number of students was just 37 - 15 from English medium and the rest from Urdu. I showed averages to my father and tried to tell him that he should give some 'special' time for teaches teaching second and third languages. I have explained this to him even the last year but this year's performance shows that no much action was taken against them.

I have taken these above verses from the Holy Quran here to take some some time understand how even men have to be careful with their chastity. In fact Allah has ordered men first to lower their gaze and guard their modesty, and then the women. Wearing modest clothes applies to men first. This also means that even men are not allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It also means that even men have to keep their gaze lowered. These verses mean many things and I can go on for pages.