Tomorrow Morning ....

I have a terrible head ache now. Took aspirin but of no help.... had a tiring day today. I will get back at it tomorrow.

Howard Roark ... wow

My continuation with The Fountainhead is getting more and more absorbing. Today I felt a wish for not parting with that book. But I had to ... I have 2 lives - online and offline - and I have to play fair with both of them. But the story is really a great one - it is definitely worth spending a lot of time with. And it is not like anyother book I can read and crash out. This book makes me think even after I close it. Unlike other books, the speed of my comprehension is very slow. I wnat it to be slow so that I can understand every sentence. This is just the 2nd book I am reading which is a fiction, I have read many other book but they were all non-fiction type. The other novel I had read was "The Doomsday Conspiracy". That was way back in 2003. After completing the 2 books I am presently reading, I plan to read The Da Vinci Code. The only reason being the english used in it by the author. I have no much interest in the story. But I know it will be long before I get on to that book. I have to read Personality Plus too. Ah... there is so much left!

Anyways I thought, while starting writing this update, about telling something but I guess I will say it now. I sat down to write today's update at 8 pm. I started writing something and continued till I felt that the thing I was writing about was a better topic for Flowing Emotions. So I stopped all the work, opened MS-Word and started with the topic there. I kept it short for the reason that I don't write a bauble. The topic was small, so the write-up had to be short. And yes ... whatever I write for all my blogs other than this one I do it on MS-Word (I am waiting for the one of that type from Google), and for this space I directly type it onto the feature provided in my account itself. MS-Word corrects my spellings, and here that thing is not possible. So, sometimes if I don't review what I have written, many mistakes creep into the text.

And I am still wondering what I am doing with my 'writing' thing!

I am losing my productivity ... I want to do so much

Yesterday evening it was again great spending some time outside with my relatives around. The reception too was wonderful with great food. I got to meet some distant relatives too and had some good interaction with a couple of them. Always feels great to meet my people.

After I came back I again spent some time on the internet. But I went to bed a bit early, at 12:30 am. That was not all yesterday. I remember being awake till 2 am. I don't know, I just didn't feel like sleeping.... I kept myself lying in the dark thinking and thinking and not sleeping. I woke up at 4:20 am again ... I wanted to perform the morning prayers but got into a deep sleep to wake up at 9. I again slept for sometime in the afternoon.

I don't want to sleep so much. I want to read and write so many things. I am just not getting the right kind of motivation and the reason to do so. Being at home with nobody asking for me is like the sun standing in the center of the solar system and yet being alone. (this thing has a lot of depth in it, hope I am NOT clear!!!)

I have come up with many topics and I want to put them in words. I know that once I start writing it won't be a task anymore and after I complete writing I will wonder how easy it was. A start is all I need.

Looking back, in retrospect, a few memories ... I am still fighting'em. The more I feel myself alone, the much worse it gets. I used to have someone with me when even I used to feel alone, now I find only me and my shadow that refuses to fade even in the dark. Anyways I hope I enjoy this too. It is just a matter of time before things change. Life moves on and I shall spearhead that movement into the direction commanded by my free will.

I will be a bit busy for the next 3 days ... friends of course. I am looking forward to this.

Yess...

That Friday evening I completed the burning of a few CDs and DVDs. I was so glad to know that a DVD having .dat files burned on it, as we do for a data disk, works perfectly well on a DVD player. Previously I tried so many things to cram 2 movies into one DVD. After being converted into DVD format (VBO sumthing), a single movie of 3 CDs (approx. 1.9 GB). was working around 5.3 GB. In this way there was no chance of putting even one movie into a single-layered DVD of 4.7 GB. (Then I understood that the ones we get in the market are actually dual-layered ones. )
Then I tried compressing that movie in DVD format to reduce size but that was lessening the quality of the picture. So again I had to do something that would keep up the quality and also let me have 2 movies in one DVD. I tried finding the right method on many forums on the internet. I asked about this on Yahoo Answers. But in vain. I got answers asking me to get some converters. When I asked if a DVD with .dat files on it works on a DVD player, I was hit by answers like "Are you an idiot, how will it work?" and "No, it won't". But I still wanted to take a chance as a friend had said that it may work. I tried and it did. I never thought it would be so easy. I, along with my friend, downloaded hundreds of MBs of softwares and installed 10s of them. All were simply useless. But the only thing was that I got to learn so many things. And I am very happy for that.

I was at my grandparents' place even on Saturday but went to a friend's house in the after noon, and spent a lot of time there. Later in the evening I had attend a wedding party and came back home at 12 in the night.

Dr. Zakir Naik is in Hyderabad and I wanted to attend his public meetings. I couldn't go yesterday as I had that function to attend and I will not be going there even today as I have another function to attend.

Today I woke up at 9 am, had some tea and slept again. Then I received a call at 11:30 am from a friend who asked me to get ready instantly. He said that another friend of mine would pick me up in a few minutes. I took 30 minutes and after sometime we were at Eat Street, Necklace Road. After spending sometime there we left for King & Cardinal (I hope I am spelling it correctly). After having some snacks there we went to a couple of theatres to try our luck with any of the movies. There were several opinions and the time was short so we ended up at Big Bazaar, MPM Mall. We split after that and I was back home around 4:30 pm in the evening. Later I slept.

I couldn't believe it

Yesterday I was at my grandparents' house and I Had my dinner at 9:15 pm. This is probabaly after more than 2 years that I had it so early. Then I went to bed at 11:30. My daily time is 2 am so even this was something after a long time. But I woke up late today, as usual, at 10 am.

I came home sometime back to take a few clothes with me. I will leave in a couple of hours.

I spent most of my time there listening to the noises created by my mind. I was wondering if I can convert those noices into some commendable music. Then I continued with The Fountainhead an the other book.

The clock makes no difference no a days

Yesterday night I slept at 2 (actually morning) and woke up at 5:30 in the morning. Then I slept again at 10:30 and woke up at 12. Slept again at 1 and was finally up at 2:10. I do not know what is happening but though it makes no difference, I don't want that to continue for long. Anyways today I will be staying at my grandparent's house in the night so time will probably get reset now.

But I won't get to have an internet connection there ... :( I hope I will be able to digest my food.

I did nothing today but at my grandparent's house I will read some books becaose that is the only thing I can do there. I also have to burn a few disks so I will complete that too.

I wanted to write something on Gridlocked but I don't know if I will be doing it, I have to leave home in an hour. Also I am a bit confused if I should publish things like what I did yesterday on Flowing Emotions. Further I don't know if it should be FE or some other blog.

My sousin's EAMCET result was out today (everybody's of course). She didn't get something she should have got. She had continued her 12th standard as a student of ISC, so maybe that did effect her performance here. I wanted her to get an admission in my college but she won't now. Anyways I hope she makes it to some good place.

Ok, so I feel alone now

My aunt left today. I wanted to cry when we were meeting for the last time at the airport. I tried to but I couldn't. I wanted to but I didn't. So I didn't cry - big deal???

But untill sometime back I was thinking about my memories with her. She is probably the only relative of mne I have known so much about and have learnt so much from - just by obeserving. I don't want to write about my old memories here but after thinking about them I did let my eyes produce a few tears. i didn't allow them to roll down my cheeks.

Then I preferred thinking about other things (guess what??? ... No, please don't do it.) This is one I am trying to conceive for the last many weeks. So I started structuring it now.

Anyways, now my brother has gone to stay with my grandparents as my aunt has left and they are alone. He will stay with them for a few days untill my turn comes. Even my cousin sister will stay with them for a few days. This will continue till my uncle is back for-good from Saudi Arabia. My brother not being with me is making me feel as thought even he has left me and gone somewhere. I am a kind of missing him too.

My aunt called sometime back to inform her safe arrival there. She will now go to Mecca and perform 'tawaf'. I feel her being there and doing all that. I will always miss her presence. I will call her and talk to her tomorrow.

Today I checked out my cousin sisters's marks. They were in Kashmir till now and have arrived just a few hours back. The one who was in 10th standard scored a brilliant 92% and the other who was in 12th scored a decent 70%. Now my sister is waiting for her EAMCET rank which is supposed to be released tomorrow early morning. Hope Allah gives her the best.

And I updated Flowing Emotions today. I don't know what to call it!

I will approach my life further with strict conditionality

How could this be that I feel so disrespectful for myself today? Or is it just another mood swing? No it is not. It is not because I say that it is not and so will my mind should go on to prove that it is not. I am doing terrifically great and no worldly obsession can alter my concrete stanse amalgamated to my strict conditionality. Am I really doing this way? Yes, I am positive about it.

Tomorrow I see a new day with a new experience. Tomorrow I will see my aunt leave us all to go to her home. I have never ever felt this way before. I have seen off so many of my relatives but this is going tobe different. What if I stay at home? ... I am supposed to be sad, and I know I am, but my reasoning says something I always say - "no matter what the situation is, I always have 2 options - to be happy and to be sad - and it is always wiser and smarter to go with the first one". Yes, I better do that. But let this option thing make me the worst of all the emotions to exist. I have found the above said group of phrases so powerful that I find them very dangerous in circumstances when I am really supposed not to be happy.

I didn't get to chat with anybody for some satisfying time today. My cousin was onlin though, I kept myself busy with other stuff. I just kept things to myself today.

Tomorrow will be a new day again showing this word a brand new horizon again. But is this phenomenon new? No. it is not. It is the same old thing that has been occuring for ages and will continue to do so. But some things in life, as I always say, happen for the first times im our lives and I will see somthing of such sort tomorrow. A new experience. A new phase, a new horizon. 'New' is so common, 'new' is getting old. Even 'fresh' is a routine.

2 years from now, I will be a new dimension. A new horizon will greet me. It will shake me and tell me that I am open now. Friends shall be lost with memories that will never fade - i dont want them to fade .........

Positive bunch of words for tomorrow ...let the night dissolve my negativity ... I pray 'friends forever' is reality ... reality into an eternity.

I knew I wouldn't

When I was typing in my previous post that I would write more in a few minutes, I knew that I was not going to do it. I was feeling tired and probably that was my laziness. Today I woke up early and one of my daily chores, the one to get milk from outside daily in th morning, was done by dad. Thanx to him I was just lying on my bed. I fnally got up when mom was leaving.

Yesterday, May 15th, was my paternal grandfather's death aniversary. I was a little more than 5 years when he expired. I don't remember much about him but I do have clear visuals still fresh in my mind about the way I used to narrate poems in front of him and he used to appreciate me. I have always learned from my dad that he was a man of principles - a very strict father. He was M.Ed. from Aligar University and a Headmaster in a government school.

I remember my telling me about my grabdfather's only experience of having tea at a hotel. He was told by one of his students that a restaurant near Charminar sells very nice tea so he took along and went there. It was amazing to know that he didn't like what he drank there. I used to think that a man (so disciplined) would hardly have any friends. But I was wrong. A few months back I came to know about a friend of his who still resides in Salarjung Colony. They were very good friends according to my aunt. And did I tell anybody that when I was born, we used to reside in Salarjung Colony - according to my dad I lived there for a little more than 8 months with my grandfather, and obviously I remember nothing about it. I do remeber the day when he expired. That was probably the only time when I saw my dad, outside our house, with is shirt not tucked in though he had his shoes on. I remember the vening when I was playing outside with a distant cousin of mine and I was scolded by someone and was asked not to make any noice; my ego was as small as my age and that did not effect my self-regard - I didn't feel bad for being scolded.

Coming now, when I try to recollect everything about my grandfather, I realise that ather than trying to find out about him, I sould be more busy doing something else. So, though I respect him a lot, I do not have much concen for what kind of a person he was; I am more concerned with what kind of a person his 5th son's eldest son is.

Then came my biggest blow of my life. May 10th 2004. It was 8:30 in the evening and I was watching television. I got a call from my uncle (my dad's cousine). He asked me for for dad but as he was not at home I gave him his cell number. 20 minutes later I got a call from my dad. I could hear him weaping. I can't forget that. I head my dad weaping and that itself brought tears in my eyes. He informed me that my aunt, his eldest sister, has expired. I couldn't believe it. In those days my mom had her mosting in Sangareddy. She came at 9 and I met her at the entrance itself and told her about this. She was shocked. Then my dad called her on her fone thinking that she hadn't reachd home. He asked us to come to my aunt's house. I hugged my dad when I met him there. I went inside. I saw my cousin brother, the eldest of all my cousin brothers, crying. I couldn't believe he was crying, he was supposed to be the bravest of all in our family. But his mother had expired and nothing else can be expected from him. I saw my aunt's ody there. She was lying on the very same bad where I remember sitting on her lap just a few years ago. I didn't cry.

I haven't cried about her death even till now. I just can't believe that she is gone. Whenever I go to my cousin's house, I can easily feel her presence there somewhere around. She is always there, she hasn't left us. In every party, in every function, I know she is there with us. But I know I am going to cry one day for her, and I know when that day is going to be. I am not out of that shock yet.

Anyways I guess this has just become a lengthy post. I will write again today evening or today night about today. Tomorrow my aunt, my mom's youngest sister is leaving for Mecca to live with her husband forever. I have been with her since the day I was born and I am surely going to miss her a lot. This will be the first time that I may possibly cry for a relative who is leaving abroad. Her departure will be tough for me to digest. It will take time. So today I have to go to her house to help her with some packing ... I wanted to leave in the afternoon but mom asked me to go there only in the eveing given the hot sun.

Yup ...

There are several things I wish to write for today but let me start with something for the person who has a question for me. I like being questioned for everything I do and as I have said this before, I take every responsibility of all the acts I commit.
 
So dear 'anonymous' -
 
"Let me start with thanking you for taking the pains to read my blogs. I know it is always an honest pain in the neck when you have to read something from a computer screen. And let me thank you again for commenting, not just once but twice (asking actually). I didn't expect you to come back for an answer, so thanx for doing that too.
 
I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this.


So I take the first step here. But wait … if you expect me to give you the direct answer, then I am sorry because that will account for something which may arrive after a couple of steps taken from your side. I would just say – I appreciate your understanding of what I have written in my blogs; I like the way you have asked me all that but I feel it is incomplete in a way that says I can’t be so blatant for a person I know nothing about. Or maybe I know you and am not aware of your presence here.

I prefer not getting along all this philosophy. I just want to ask you to introduce yourself to me and later you may know anything you want – I give you my word.”

More for today ….. I will pen it in some time …

This is for the 'anonymous' commenter ....

Please come back again after 12 midnight ... I have some answers for the questions you have asked. If you happen to have time, please take a while to read Gridlocked (http://xubayr2.blogspot.com). You can find more things in justification of the reason you ask me all those questions (see I don't even know who you are and I think of helping you). Believe me you will enjoy the poems there. They again revolve around the same 'thing'. Have a good time!