I cannot always show it

The individual who has experienced solitude will not easily become a victim of mass suggestion.

— Albert Einstein

Today I had arguments with my mother twice. Once in the morning and once in the evening. Int he morning when I said that I wanted to take the car to the college, she didn't let me do that. In the evening because she said that I was missing classes at CL and that she doesn't really understand why I am going to Genpact. I didn't know what to explain her. She keeps repeating that I don't understand her. I don't make any attempts to make her understand me. Its a two-way process and its not taking place well.

I was at home the whole day. I didn't step out of the house for even once. This Saturday, is perhaps is the first Saturday that I have stayed home the whole day. For once it gave me the feeling of a Sunday too. The home-made food in dinner reminded me that its not. I had 'tahaari'. It was fine but I didn't like it much. The reason I didn't go to my grandmother's place is that she was at my aunt's house at Malakpet the whole week and she returned home just a couple of hours back.

Today there was some program I was supposed to attend in the college. When my mother didn't allow me to use the car I was a bit upset and I went back to bed. I woke up after 12:30 pm. I did want to got here. I wanted to be with my friends for sometime. When I called one of them to find out if they were going to be there in the college for some more time so that I could come, he replied in negation. I didn't go. Maybe even he didn't know that they were going to stay there for another two hours after I made the call. I felt a little bad. I move on.

Somethings don't let me move on this way. They keep coming back again to present themselves as if they are an integral part of my destiny. They tell me that my past won't bury so easily. What I came across eight years back looks as though it will haunt me all through my life. Maybe the word 'haunt' is in its improper use here. I might as well perhaps call this as a punishment - of some divine sort. I don't know what it is but it hurts.

Today when I lay myself on the bed thinking about going to the college, I came across this thing that brought tears in my eyes. I didn't know I would cry on it taken that I regret its occurrence. It was not that simple wetness in the eyes. I had tears rolling from both the eyes and my heart hurting me. I fell asleep. I was fine when I woke up. I had moved on then.

Then I got to talk to a cousin of mine who gave gave me a news that apparently seems as the most exciting of all the things I have heard in my recent past. I still do not know how to react to it. It looks silly. I feel like laughing for once. And I feel like shouting. I wish I could cry on it - the tears won't come on this occasion. The news has some string attached to it that states that it may silently bury itself. But there are more chances of a 'move ahead' scenario and I want that to happen. If I exaggerate, I can call it my destiny and accept it. But terming that way would sound naive. Perhaps no. What else is destiny then?

Tomorrow I plan to go to my aunt's house and spend time with my cousins. it has been long since I met them. In fact I was supposed to be there today but we found it better suited for tomorrow. I have many things to talk to one of them. Today my father had said that we would go out for a drive today but he postponed it for tomorrow. Thats is among the important things too. CAT is always there as a background process.

Scripts, registries and codes!

The wheel was man’s greatest invention until he got behind it.

— Bill Ireland

Our college vice principal today was showing contempt for orkut. He said having many scraps and "250 friends" won't help us get through the recruitment process of any company. I smiled. I was among the audience comprising of students from all the branches of engineering who have just finished their 3rd year. We were attending a session of a program spread over several days intended to train us for the forth coming campus recruitment programs.

When I reached home at 2 pm, to my expectations, the door was locked I went the mosque and while returning home, I was intercepted by a young boy perhaps aged around 5 years. I was walking with my head down and he was running looking at the ground. I guess he was playing something and was real excited about it. I saw and slowed down to let him run away. When he realized that I had stopped for him, he looked up at me and said a sorry. I replied with a smile and he ran away.

I didn't expect that 'sorry' from him. In fact it was not needed at all. But I got a feeling within me that said I must talk to him, learn more about him, or do something for him. But he was gone. His clothes said that he was poor and came form from a down trodden family. But his sorry was everything. That was least expected. Whoever he was, I pray that Allah blesses him.

My father arrived around 3 pm and opened the door. I was waiting at the stairs until then. I had a mango and went to sleep. Later after magrib I sat down with books. I started of with Data Interpretation as I have never before gone through it. I have done a little quantitative analysis and English usage part but never this one. I read the first three lessons and realized that even if I go at a constant pace, there is a very long way to go.

The first thing is that I don't have the luxury to keep myself at any constant pace. I didn't go to Genpact today. From tomorrow again I will get busy. I really can't explain how much I wish I could study for CAT and also attend the internship. I don't and will never say that I am sacrificing anything, but I don't know how I can define the fear I have in my chest. I don't want to miss Genpact. I have to study. I can't be at two places at once. There is a third one too in the reckoning - the program at the college.

I will not be false in who I am as long as I breath

Men of power have no time to read; yet the men who do not read are unfit for power.

— Michael Foot

There isn't much to write for today. I reached home early. There wasn't much for us to do so we thought we could leave. We informed our team leader. We also told him that we won't be coming tomorrow. My friend has to submit his passport application form so I too won't be going. I will be attending a program in my college. I have to meet my friends.

I am somehow feeing guilty that this is just my first week at Genpact and I will be missing a day. I guess it shouldn't create any problem for me; I have also informed the HR. But something disturbs from within. Perhaps its nice to feel that way. Guilt cleanses sometime and also prevents any further wrong doings.

After dinner my father asked me to come with him to have tea outside. Even my brother was with us. The hotels and all the shops except pharmacies where closed but there was once local hotel with a small door opened. We went inside and found the place fully packed. We have been there before and we know this place as the once that escapes the police patrolling. Perhaps they have some 'understanding' with the cops.

I finding some good sleep during the traveling time too. Today I sat at a place in the company bus from where the sun could directly see me. I was sweating and was feeling very uncomfortable. Yesterday and even today while returning I had good naps. The starting and ending point of the bus is Tolichowki so its making things easy for me a little giving me some buffering with time!

From tomorrow my brother would be starting with his classes for Intermediate 2nd year. He had some class even today which he skipped as he had his last improvement yesterday and he wanted some break. My parents ere fine with it. In fact I felt bad for him that he has classes so early. I remember when I was starting with the same thing, my classes were form June 1st.

Self Constraints Do Help

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

— Richard Armour

This is my 305th post on this blog and I do feel a sense of pride in myself about this. I know its not a big deal but I also do understand that there might not be many personal blogs with this number of posts. It was a not a ride till here and it wont be - if it was a ride I could as well have said that it had ups and downs.

There there was definitely something interesting I would want to put up here for today. Just in the middle on the month of May last year, on a few of my posts on this blog, I received comments which I replied to -

• At 1:55 AM, Anonymous

  hey..read ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur writings..is it true?

• At 12:21 PM, Zubair

  Yeah you are right, there is as a matter of fact someone I value a lot more than anybody else in my life ... and that person is me myself. I love myself more than anybody else.

• At 12:42 AM, Anonymous

  hey..read ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur writing...dis is d same question i askd u yesterday..wel evry1 luvs themselves...is it sum1 else? sum1 special? hope u gettin wat m sayin...

  http://xubayr4.blogspot.com/2006/05/yup.html
  http://xubayr4.blogspot.com/2006/05/fine-day.html

The comments revolved around the posts whose addresses I have mentioned above. I could easily tell that the person commenting was from Hyderabad and was using an internet connection by Sify. Given the vocabulary and the spellings I could also end up believing that the person is well versed with using cellphones for messaging and also that the person is not a typical Hyderabadee with bad English - the person is well educated and groomed. Till here it was all logical.

In retrospect of my experiences, I could also say that the person was a female. The first point: no guy would get interested in such things as long as he has some problem with himself. The kind of language used, to the best of my reasoning, is used only by girls. No guy would stay so anonymous. And the most important part is that the person was interested in what all I was doing to the extent that when I wrote in my blog that I would be giving a reply to her comments at 12 midnight, she was online at that time. And after I replied, there was of sign of her - she never commented further. Only a girl would do that. Perhaps she didn't know what to do.

I may go wrong with this reasoning. But the point I brought this thing after more than a year is that I always wanted to write about what I thought about it and now that my blog can't be read without an invitation, I felt it to be perfectly safe to mention it now. Apart from that, I would still be interested in knowing who that eccentric person was so that I can understand her (or perhaps his) reason for being a coward.

Today I had two learning sessions with two people there - one from 10 am to 12:30 pm and another in the late afternoon. We went deeper into the software that was introduced to us yesterday and also checked on a firewall named Blackice and also a console for monitoring the process. We also came to know more on scripts and their coding methods.

Today my friend who is with me here at Genpact told me that marriage and family are all useless things. I somehow felt he is moving out of his zone of mental stability. I do not understand what exactly he wants from himself. Apart from things on marriage, there are several opinions he has I find awkward. I also thought if I am being blind with my thoughts, but I have found nothing as such yet. And about the marriage thing, he says we will marry just because he has to. He affirmed several times today that he has a brain of a person lot younger than 20 years of age.

For all I know

You only understand the present when it is past.

— Han Suyin

I reached home exactly at 10 pm today. I started from my house at 11:30 am today and reached just about when it was 1 pm. When I reached Genpact I was told that I still have time to talk to the person who was going to assign me to some project. I met him after 4 pm. He had a talk with some people and I was assigned to be with a team working on Vulnerability Assessment and Anti Virus for GE Plastics. I along with my friend spent a lot of time with a guy there who showed us a lot of things. The interaction we had with him was worth more than many things.

It was decided that I would be made a part of the night shift starting at 4 pm going till 1 am. Then we had a talk on this again and I will spend my time there from 10 am to 7 pm. I found this better. I still had the option of 12 to 9. So, from tomorrow I will have to wake up a lot more early and start from home around 8:30 am.

I have a terrible head ache right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. But the want to stay awake and spend time online has more will power in it even while I understand it is foolish. Just some time back my mother asked me to leave for bed. My brother is still studying and I intend to stay awake for some more time.

Starting from this Wednesday there is supposed to be a training program for us to prepare us for the coming campus recruitments. I find it impossible for me to attend it and I have decided to skip. It goes on up to Saturday and I will to the college on that day. Not to attend the program but to meet my friends.

My biggest worry now is CAT. I don't find time to prepare for that. When I got a Saturday and Sunday, all I could do was taking rest and reading some book that made me feel good. Thins Sunday maybe I can think of something but I suspect failure. I am waiting for the right thing to strike me and I am a bit apprehensive of such a strike. And that is exactly what I am worried about - thoughts do not get converted into actions. I do not know where will power has left for. It has eluded me on this occasion.

Sleep

Language sometimes gets in the way of communication.

I did a weired thing last ting which ended today. On 22nd I had bought a book 'Blink', by Malcolm Gladwell, and decided to gift it to a friend who celebrated his 20th birthday today. But the 'not so good' thing I did was that I read the book myself before I gave it to him today. I couldn't resist. I thought he is a good friend of mine and he wouldn't mind taking as a gift a copy that has already been read. I told him and everything was fine.

I met him at Magrib at his house and I left him after Ishaan. I returned home just before 10 pm. Today I woke up at 9:30 am. I had to wish him. When I had called him early morning at 12:03 am, he was sleeping and he didn't receive the call. So I had to wake up at 9:30 am just to wish him. I had tea and slept again only to wake up at 12:30 pm. It was my mother who was asking me to have a meal and I heeded. I took short naps later during the day.

I had initially planned to go to my friend's house early morning just after Fajar. But I couldn't finish reading the book till then. I had 80 more pages to read and I finished them in the afternoon. The book was entertaining but I suppose it has one of those things I should not take seriously and allow me to get effected by it. The bottom line for the book: it was amazing.

Tomorrow I will be leaving for Genpact at 11:30 am. The cab will pick me up at 11:35 am from Tolichowki and I have to be there by 1 pm. I called up my friend's brother and also the transport division's help desk to confirm this. I find the transport service very interesting and impressive. Its all so organized.

I am finding it real difficult to manage sleep. I had once long back attended a program on personality development and among the several things I was taught, sleep management was missing. I couldn't find anything related to managing to sleep even in several books I have read on self-help. If it is a too small thing to be written and taught, then I am in a big problem.

I have some choice and I like it

Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least.

— Lord Chesterfield

A few days back I registered myself at facebook.com. I found it nice. I suppose the word 'sophisticated' would explain it better. It has more privacy than orkut. The most important thing for me is that I have my cousins here and its helping me contact them regularly. I have also found my friend friend from US who left India last year. The other nice thing I found is that gmail allows 20 MB of attachments in a single mail now.

One of my friends woke me up early today. I know it was after 10 am but it was early for me. But I slept again. I reached my uncle's place a little before 3 pm. I read a book there and some part of the newspaper. I will finish the book tomorrow. I can't name it here right now.

For the last, at least, 30 minutes I have been watching at this 'compose' page thinking what I can write for today. I hardly found anything interesting. Just that my mother told that she has thought a name for my daughter already. There were some people around when she said that and I behaved as though I heard nothing. I found no other reaction good. I really don't know whats going on.

I am taking my mother in a negative sense maybe. Perhaps I am liking what she is saying but I am preferring presenting a different reaction. In fact I know guys enjoy such things but mothers talking all that is usually for girls given that I am not even 21 now. I want to break the ice on this topic and speak to her more openly. I just hope I don't end up laughing or blushing in front of her someday.

I feel lost sometimes. Lost not just in thoughts but also in reality. When I wrote a post here with the title 'It Starts From Here', I thought something would change from then. Even I didn't know what exactly. I don't have explanations of what I think and feel sometimes. Many things come and appear in front of me like adaptive unconsciousness. This phrase is alien I know. It was alien to me too until a few days back. The book I am reading explains it. I am trying to take that book at entertainment.

Three Zero One

When I go to the office of Genpect on Monday I, along with a friend of mine, will be assigned to some projects most probably relating to Network Security Operations. My visit to that place today lasted for almost 10 hours and I liked it. I am grateful to a senior of mine who also happens to be the brother of a friend I have for letting me have this chance of getting an internship at this company. InshAllah I will be working here at Genpact for the next one month as an 'intern'.

Today's time there showed me things what the three years of engineering couldn't explain me. I saw many things I had just heard of and read of being implemented there. Right from the place and the way people worked there amazed me. Looking at the work culture here, I understand how much many people mostly students don't get to know what they must know about being an employee to any company. I will learn a lot more just this. InshAllah.

I was almost ready at 8:30 am in the morning when I found that two of my belts were missing. I spent almost 20 minutes searching for them and landed on an old one I had stopped using a long while ago. Later after reaching home I came to from my brother that he had used the new one which I was using lately and he doesn't know where the other one is. He had used it a few weeks back. I wanted to scold him. But he showed a sorry face that told me he never meant to cause any trouble to me. I hardly said anything to him except reminding him that he once said he never uses that belt of mine.

My journey back home from Genpact, while is located at Uppal, was in a cab provided to me by them for transport. I like they way their transport system works - with the screens that show ID numbers along with the cab's number which has been assigned to take an employee home. Everything is so organized and well managed that I don't think an average thinking person would ask for more.

I am required to be there for five days a week. And so, tomorrow and Sunday happen to be holidays for me. I will perhaps spend some time with some book on Java and of course there is this thing called as CAT. I have to give a deep thinking of that as my classes at CL are scheduled to be conducted on Wednesdays and Fridays every week during these holidays and it won't be possible for me to attend them. I hope Allah helps me find a better way.

Reflection and contradiction

If we believe a thing to be bad, and if we have a right to prevent it, it is our duty to try to prevent it and damn the consequences.

— Alfred Milner

A friend's call woke me up at 10:20 am. He made me do a few things before I could sleep again. But I was continuously being disturbed by messages on my phone. I finally had my breakfast at 1:20 pm. Before that I had a couple of bananas. I was, without any doubt, feeling hungry but laziness and lack of reason kept me on the bed till so late.

I have always known that I have tried to keep a distinguishable wall around me that only I can see. The wall reflected my priorities and I knew it could at times cause discomfort to me as a direct consequence. Now I understand it can do more than just that. It becomes difficult for me to choose between friend, cousins and myself.

I sometimes decide to be alone at home or be with parents and somebody calls me up asking if he could come over to my house. At times I plan to go out to some relatives house and the same thing happens. There are occasions too when I want to be with my friends but my parents compel me to opt for something else. In between all this, I feel neglecting my cousins.

I don't know if others too face these situations. I sure do have some - very few friends - I am always ready to meet and be with. In fact so many times I long to be with them. They are not available always. These are my friends with whom I have shared almost everything that runs within me and I find no difficulty in having them as my top priority among people. I don't know if I know them well but I have always tried to keep myself transparent for them.

The problem comes when other friends vie for the priority. Not that they are aware of it but the situation makes me have some preferences used and I don't like using them. Sometimes I simply don't fell like meeting a few of them. I never complain but my mood does. The friends I have mentioned above - the ones I try to be transparent with - suit all my moods. I guess saying 'suit all my moods' would be similar to degrading human dignity; I don't mean to do that. I just like them always and I prefer their company at any given time. The other friends do not comply with such idea.

I know being this way can have me loose some of the good friends I have. I fear being called a hypocrite. I dream being left alone. I do not like being a bad person even if nobody would ever come to know about the distasteful me. I don't remember losing my temper outside my house or in front of people other than my brother and parents. I will continue with that but having to reach a point that requires a control in itself is a pity. I am not suppose to reach such points. I am not expected to get angry at all.

I really, really don't know if there is anybody else with any similar complexities. I don't want to say that it is all perfectly human. Even if it is, I don't want to know. I cannot hold my subconsciousness in my hands and make it work in my favorable and so-felt logical way. I would simply leave it.

It starts from here

If men knew all that women think, they’d be twenty times more daring.

— Alphonse Karr

Saturday evening I was desperate to see Monday come. Monday came and it went. It left a lot with it. And made me realize something important too. I understood how I am going to feel when its the end of engineering and all of us - me and my friends - will take our own ways. One of my friends left for Riyadh early morning today and another friend will be leaving shortly. I will surely miss them a lot.

Monday I was going to meet my friends. Two of them where giving treats to celebrate their birthdays. We had our lunch at The Hub near Panjagutta and ice cream at Baskin and Robins. We had a wonderful time and I reached home around 5:45 pm with a friend. An old friend had come to my house by then. He studies in Amravati and he is here for his vocation. We had lengthy talks mostly about studies. Just before he was leaving another friend came down to my house.

He was with me till 12 midnight. We went outside to have our dinner but everything was closed down. We spent some time at another friend's house, had some fun and I returned home. I had my dinner at 12:30 pm.

Around 11:30 pm my friend called me up to tell me that we will meet only in July now. It really made me feel bad. I know I have to see harder things than this. Late night (early morning) I had a chat with a cousin and it was only then that I felt better. Even today afternoon a friend turned up at my house. It was nice having him here. We spent an hour and he dropped me at Mehdipatnam form where I went to my grandmother's house.

In last 24 to 48 hours I have spent a lot of time enjoying and the rest thinking and contemplating. Though I enjoyed all of it, I know that the thing I am confused about now is weired to the extent and sense that I may sound weired if I attempt explaining here now. I won't do it. Had a talk about it with a friend a little while ago and I felt lighter.

My uncle who lives in US will be here in Hyderabad on 10th of June inshAllah. He will be here after five years. Two of my cousins won't be here. One is in Kyrgyzstan and the other is busy with his studies back in Houston. Two of my aunts who live in Mecca will be here too. Even my cousin from London. I am sure many more people are coming. I am waiting to meet them all.

When I say that I am waiting, it is supposed to mean a lot of heavy things for me. I will be starting with my preparation for CAT in a day. Then there is something very important I will be stepping into. In July I will start with my mock CAT tests. Then the campus placement interviews from August. Then CAT, MAT and XAT in the last two months of this year. The next six months are bound to be tough and they will make a very big difference to me and many things around me. At this moment of time, some silly thing is bugging me. Huh!

My cousin from Gulbarga called me in the evening. He started with asking em to update my blog. He scolded me for not doing it. All I could do was feel very nice. It was sweet of him to call. Even a friend asked me about the blog sometime back. I feel really nice when I am asked about my blogs. This is the 299th post here.

I spoke for some good time with my cousin. We discussed many things. He is busy preparing for his exams. But he is alone at home. His parents are in Sakaka, Saudi Arabia and his elder brother is here in Hyderabad. In Hyderabad inshAllah he will start with his DNB orthopedics at a well known hospital shortly.

I spoke a lit with my grandmother too today. I went there to talk to her; to listen to what she has to say. I asked about the past - about my grandfather's family and her family. I was amazed to know that there are so many relatives who are supposed to be close enough in relation to us but are hardly in contact. She told me about the people who are living and many people who have left this world. Almost everything I heard kept reminding me of my grandfather. And all the while I was listening to my grandmother, I somehow felt that my grandfather was still there in his room. Allah is beautiful.

My cousin scolded me telling that he had enough with seeing that picture with a slipper and the Charminar. I knew I was being a little lazy. Yesterday I didn't write because I didn't want to capture my sad mood - I was already missing my friend and the chats we were having almost everyday till late nights and early mornings. I didn't feel like writing on Sunday. I don't remember what happened on Saturday. I just remember playing cricket with my brother in the evening!

I am not able to fall asleep easily now a days. I go to bed and keep lying for a lot of time tossing and waiting for sleep to hold me. And once I catch up with it, I don't feel like leaving it. I however feel sleep as a waste of time, but I understand it's importance. I will be changing some habits in the days to come.

Tomorrow I have to attend a class at CL at 9:30 am. There I will catch up with the in-charge and explain him how it will be n my benefit if I can find some parallel batch on weekends. I can go there only on Saturdays and Sundays. I hope they can help me. Even my friend there too wants the same thing. InshAllah some way will be found.

Innocents don't throw stones standing inside a mosque

"Whosoever slays an innocent person ... it is as if he had slain humankind altogether." The Holy Quran (5:32)

The above verse of the Holy Quran has nothing to do with the religion of the person or persons involved. Perhaps I should also find some verse or verses from the Holy Quran stating how important it is to keep patience. Along with this, I would also take the pleasure of saying that I find no reason why I should panic. There can be a worry perhaps - of possible riots.

There is supposed to be an 'ijtema' starting from Saturday in Hyderabad where more than 1.5 million people 'were' expected to attend. I had never previously - in the last last few days - thought of going there and I won't be going. I have nothing 'for' or 'against' it. But if people are taking it as an opportunity to show some form of unity among our people by attending it, then they better use some other name for the congregation and not 'ijtema'.

I have seen people talking on several things since late afternoon. None of these conversations had any intention of finding any resolutions. I received several messages of phone but none reminded me of how our prophet Muhammed (pbuh) kept patience even when he was abused and attacked. No message told me that Hazrath Hamza (may Allah be pleased with him) fought a great battle within himself - not responding to the atrocities of the pagans.

After seeing people pelting stones standing at the gates of a mosque at the policemen, I wonder what difference is left between the ones who kill innocent humans and these people. Those who kill innocents, kill the humanity; those who 'use' a mosque for barbaric acts kill the honor of Muslims. I do not support people who do not support peace. I follow a peace loving religion.

They say a 'bandh' will increase the intensity of the protests people are carrying out. The person responsible for guiding this 'bandh' will be accountable for every pain that the citizens will be made to suffer as a direct or an indirect consequence of it. Allah has the knowledge of everything and surely there is nobody who can match that. He is the Merciful and the Master of the day of judgment. People tend to forget this.