Monday, February 26, 2007

So sweet, so beautiful ...

Today I was in the college till almost 7:30 pm. We were doing the decoration work for Adsophos which starts tomorrow. I am very tired now and my legs are aching like hell. Not literally though! I had my dinner around 40 minutes back and I will go to bed in sometime. Tomorrow I have to be in the college by 9:30 am at least. Now, I am not sure if I will make it by then.

Until Saturday I was in no mood to participate in any of the events. Though I kept hearing that so and so person is getting into so and so event, I hardly got any motivation to anything by myself. Then one of my friends persuaded me to contest in something and we both are participating in web designing contest as a team. We will be given content and the application software to work on, which will most probably be Web Page Maker, and we have to put in t mind to have the most appealing web designs.

Today I had to make a visit to my house in the after for a very embarrassing reason. It became necessary for me. Never did I think that I would have such a problem. Thanks to a friend who brought me home and took me back on his bike. JazakAllah Khairan.

Today I even sat at the registration counter some some time. It was a nice feeling being there. I frankly understand that it is in no way a big deal but it was for the first time that I made myself comfortable with a place like that and I enjoyed. I was sitting there with the same friend who brought me home. While we were our, two of my other friends took over.

Later in the evening when I was coming back home on one of my other friend's bike, it took us around 20 minutes to ride form Panjagutta to Masab Tank. There was too much traffic. And by the time I was home, I guess it was 8:40 pm. I am not sure, I didn't see the time then! I know nobody would be interested in that.

Today two of my cousins came to meet me in my college. It was really sweet of them to think of it and come. But they couldn't stop doing mischief here. As far as I know they didn't cause to 'damage' anything, but they could have. They will be in my college tomorrow again and I hope they won't bug me! I want to have some time with them tomorrow.

It's been long since I had a chat with two of my cousin sisters. My MSN messenger doesn't allow me to login saying a download of the latest version is necessary for me to login. I am in no mood to spend time in downloading it. Perchance I will do it my weekend. And now a days, the time at which I come online doesn't match with the times they come online. InshAllah I will talk to them soon.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Luxury of Being Zubair

Perhaps it is better for me that I must not write when I am in a mood rather to feel than to think. But yesterday apart from this logic there was a thing else that didn't let me update my blog - I was uploading the pictures on the previous post. After writing that post, I forgot to upload them and I realized it only after switching off the computer. Yesterday when I uploaded them first, I didn't like the way I arranged them, they all seemed scrambled all over the text of the posting. I had to delete them and arrange again. It was 1:30 am already and so, I didn't take the pain to write after that. I slept at 3:30 am, but I was not at the computer.

Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.

Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.

It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.

Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.

Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.

Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.

And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.

When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html

Friday, February 23, 2007

251







Today I fought my sleep in the evening and I am awake even now. I am real tired now but I am sure, like every other time, its just the motivation I lack to do anything. I have been wanting to write a post of Flowing Emotions but I just don't do it. Laziness.

We had just the morning session in the college and I attended not even a single of the two classes in it. I came late on purpose and was with seniors. I pasted a few charts and tried to do all what the bracket in which my name is written in, wants me to do - 'promotion and logistics'. I am a volunteer who is supposed to work for promotion of Adsophos and work for the logistics involved in the organization of the events and also the publicity. I am enjoying it but I wish I had a little more responsibility on me. There are just two things I am in charge of - changing the countdown numbering daily morning, and today I had to carry the stationary home to get it tomorrow! Aren't these ...? Huh! But I am learning quite a few things observing people around.

Tomorrow I will be purchasing the t-shirt we volunteers are supposed to wear on the two days of the festival. I have never worn a t-shirt before to the college and I may never will. Maybe sometime later in final year - just for what we can term as thanksgiving! But for the fest, I will wear a full-sleeved shirt and wear this thing on it.

My cousin was telling me that though I have written about my father's friend's house, I didn't write it the way I usually write things and the way the house must be described. I mention this also to say that he particularly told me the house was much more than what I had written about it! It definitely was. But I also had in mind that there are always things that are not believed until they are felt or seen. I can't write a thing and make people feel or see it unless they have their full trust in me. Anyways I am posting a few pics we have taken of that house. As I have already mentioned, the house is still under construction, the pics too will show the same. Pictures help people see things. But how about feelings? I can't cut my hand and picture it to put the stupidity on my blog!

Yesterday night my aunt and my elder cousin left for Gulbarga. When my cousin was leaving, I felt as if he is leaving the moment he arrived. But he had to - he is busy with his studies. He was here just to finalize his wedding which would be in 2008 inshAllah.

Another cousin brother of mine came along to pick them from my house to drop them at Imlibun Bus Station. They asked me and my younger cousin to come along with them. The but left around 12 midnight and we went to have ice creams at Moazzam Jahi Market, Shah Ice Creams. I didn't know that those people serve ice creams even so late in the night. We had to go inside the market to have them serve it. The shop from outside was closed. I had two flavors, 'cheeku, and 'anjeer'. I reached home at 1 am. My younger cousin is still here in Hyderabad and is residing at an aunt's house at Masab Tank. He is there thinking that he would disturb my brother who is busy with his exams. But he is wrong!

McDonalds; we entered it, felt that we should have something more spicy, and left for the 'Zaitoon' at Mehdipatnam where we had a grape flavored 'hukka'. We didn't eat anything atJust before starting from my house to drop my aunt to the station, I and my younger cousin arrived from a nice 'outing' with another cousin. We both had been to McDonalds, and Crosswords at City Center, a local 'kabaab' shop that served wonderful 'kabaabs', and a restaurant named 'kabaab' shop. We even went around 'e zone' but spent some good time at 'Crosswords'. The 'hukka' at 'Zaitoon' was the best of all the four I had till now. Eve Cafe Coffee Day couldn't match this. It was the first time for my cousin who is here from Gulbarga.

Earlier yesterday I attended all the classes in the college including the Networks Lab. The servers in the assigned lab was down, so our batch of around 16 students was split into two and was made to share some other labs. The time spent was no way productive. I did fine today!

The other pictures are of my father, brother, cousin and two of my niece and a nephew.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I have to carry myself wherever I go

Today morning at 5:15 am the door bell was ringing. I was sleeping in the living room and when I heard it, I felt that I was hearing it in some dream of mine. But I realized that it wasn't a dream. My aunt was already awake and I woke up to reach the balcony. I asked who it was and my elder cousin brother replied. I opened the door. He had just arrived from Gulbarga.

In the evening a few of my close aunts and uncle with my cousin went to finalize his marriage. the wedding will be after a year. There will be an engagement in some time. There was a lot of sound in my house today after a lot of time with my cousins' children playing and shouting. I was silently sitting in front of the computer. I was very tired and I was badly in need of sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 pm and woke up a little after 10 pm. I am surly going to crash out early. But I also want to spend some time with my cousins. I feel bad. I can't fight sleep much. I slept for hardly 4 hours yesterday.

Today I attended the morning session and in the afternoon I was with my seniors, classmates and friends preparing charts for Adsophos. I didn't make even a single chart completely but I saw many being completed in front of my eyes! I was int eh college till 5 pm. In the days to come, especially on Monday, I will be there till very late in the evening.

While we were all in the room busy with our work, a few of our seniors came inside the class. I didn't know they were our seniors. They started troubling me and stopping me from doing my work. My other seniors, who happen to be their classmates were out. They came in and somehow got these people away from me. I got back to work. But in a few minutes I heard some loud sounds. These seniors who were here to trouble us were fighting with a senior under whom we people work. I was afraid to do a thing. Though there was nothing physical, the words used by those hooligans were very vulgar. Alhamdulillah it got over soon.

I have been feeling very drowsy since evening. I wanted to be with all the people who were here at home today, I wanted to talk to my cousins, but something kept stopping me. I wish I could fight some mood out of me and behave normally. I have hardly kept myself productive these days and I am pretty unsatisfied with myself that I feel guilty.

I am not spending much time on the internet and not chatting much with my friends. I am not getting time for anything. Evening once I begin to have as much time I used to have until a few days back, I hope to get myself occupied with my preparations for CAT. It is high time that study for at least 15 hours a week. It is more than necessary for me to that if I want to clear all the cut offs in the test.

I can well say that I have a thousand things on my mind but it would be rather foolishness if I do so with nothing specific I have to define what they are. I sometimes feel I could run away from myself. But I can't do that. I have to carry myself wherever I go! And when I say 'I', it include many things and many people. If I present a confused picture now, it only means that I am easier to interpret when I write and difficult when I am quiet.

Right now my cousins and my brother are playing Playstation. Presently they are playing Crash Team Racing and until sometime they were engrossed in 'The Mummy'. I am not sure if this is the correct name of that game but it is based on that famous movie. Crash Team racing has been an all time favorite of mine.

This post takes the number of posts on this blog to 250. For all the things I wanted to write in today's post and for all the things I couldn't write today, there is just one thing I would like to say - nothing. I don't mind being called mad. I am used it by now. Everybody calls me that. What can I do?

Today I read some part of an old post on Flowing Emotions. I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I read some parts of it and couldn't believe that its me who has written it. Then I said to myself "I am like that". I am like that. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2006/11/guy-like-me.html

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Adsophos

I was not able to write an update yesterday. Even today I was considering sleeping without writing anything. I have been keeping myself real busy with several things including the wedding functions. Today I attended the reception. The food was great. After coming back from the party, along with my cousin, brother and aunt, I had a detailed discussion about engineering and MBA and GRE too.

Today along with my seniors and a few class friends I went to four colleges to publicize a technical event, Adsophos, we are having at our college. It is supposed to be at national level and a lot od participation is expected. The colleges we went today were St. Francis, Villa Mary, Vasavi and CBIT. We even had plans to go to Shaadan but dropped it as it was getting late. We were in 15 cars and more than 60 students. We distributed pamphlets, pasted posters and enjoyed! It was a wonderful experience.

The festival is on 27th and 28th of this month. I have been not attending many classes and so the complementary attendance that I would be getting by working for the fest will help me cope up with the required 75%. InshAllah.

Things are going usual. For the 'trained' eye I am sure things are obvious when they look at me. Some ideas refuse to leave. New come in. The ones already left, keep haunting.

Those interested in knowing more about the fest can log on to www.adsophos2k7.com

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Are you there?

I slept a little early yesterday. At 12 midnight. I was tired and sleepy. The day before it was 3:30 am by the time I went to bed. For 2 nights now, I have been sleeping at the place I have always wanted sleep - in the living room, on the 'divan'. I do have place to be inside any of the bedrooms but I am preferring this one!

On Saturday I had my classes till 12:30 pm but I was there till 4 with friends. I reached my grandmothers' house around 4:45 pm and was at CL just after 6:30 pm. The class started 10 minutes late. We had a topic test in Algebra and I scored above average Alhamdulillah. Even today, Sunday, we had a test - review test in Algebra. We didn't evaluate our scripts. We just discussed them.

After reaching home today, when my father saw me removing my shoes, he asked me to keep them on as we would be going to his friend's house's construction site. I said I will put it on when we are leaving. I had my breakfast at 12:30 pm and we left home just after that. My aunt and cousin were with us. We reached home at 5 pm after having a vegetarian lunch at a restaurant 'Raaga' on the ring road near Atta Poor. I am not sure of the name of the place.

The construction site of the house told me something - I may never get to see a better house in Hyderabad unless I get one constructed for myself! I am not kidding. It is just on the banks of Miralam Lake over looking and zoological park. The place has a lot of green cover. The house is being constructed after cutting down tonnes of rock on the hillock the site is occupying.

They did a lot of dynamite explosions and almost half the hill had to be cut down for the dream house. The house it half into the rocks. The same rocks formations have been used to decorate the house from inside. There are around 7 bedrooms if I can remember it perfectly. There are many halls, a place of bar, swimming pools, bathrooms with jacuzzi, ponds of ducks, 5 to 6 fountains - two of them inside the house, barbecue place, fruit garden, cacti garden, rose garden, 3 lion faces and a dolphin statue greeting the visitors at the entrance from the pond having a fountain, a separate guest house, servant quarters ... the list goes on.

The house will be built in another 4 to 5 months. The interior designing will be done once the house is completed, the outside landscaping will take time. The constructor and architect is a cousin of mine who has worked for several years in Dubai. He has amazing knowledge of different construction materials and he is very creative and daring. He specially got several huge rocks moved to the lawns to get the perfect landscaping. That costed a lot of money and the moving of those boulders was so impossible and dangerous that one of the laborers escaped death narrowly!

He explained us everything that has been planned. The placing of the porcelain, the lions and the dolphin, the work on the walls, the birds that will be imported to be displayed in a cage that will appear in the hall from the side wall with the huge rocks int eh background, the aquarium, the views from the special master bedroom and the other rooms - the bed in the master bedroom will be placed such that when a person opens his eyes, he will find the big green doom of a mosque near by, and when he turns, he will find Falaknuma Palace, Mecca Masjid and Chaarminar from the window - and every minute he explained us made that place more amazing and unbelievable. The location of the house makes a lot of difference. The architect has carved the difference into a thing of beauty and joy.

There is a special plan for having the ducks. They will live in a pond specially made for them, come out of it at some time of the day, stroll around the place for sometime, show their neck movements whenever some visitor arrives and go back to their pond when there is nobody around. They will be trained for all this. I understand this sounds unbelievable. there are many things we don't believe but understand ourselves as silly when we actually see them in our eyes.

There are many designs being used for the false ceiling and one of the rooms will have the ceiling displaying the first 'kalima' of Islam. My father's friend is an atheist and he keeps good knowledge of all religions.

When I first entered, I just saw a single floor from outside. I saw so many rooms there itself with a huge entrance hall and surrounding areas. There were four bedrooms on every corner of this hall with each of them providing very carefully selected and designed views of the lake and the hills. The my father took me to the terrace. It was amazing. It has been designed to cater to open air parties. The laws too are specially designed for parties with a separate room from where food can be served. the sceneries from the terrace too were awesome. Then he took us to the floor below the main floor I had seen initially. I couldn't believe that there was a flood below.

this floor had a big hall again with a bar attached to it. The planning here too was amazing with rock formations glamorizing the place. The outside view from here too was breathtaking. There was another bedroom here and a lot of space - to breath!

Then we went to the floor below! There wasn't much here except for a single room that looked, in a way, like the most soothing places of all that we had seen previously. It was a small room hanging from the rest of the house almost in the air - it was on ground, but it seemed like that, and it was jetting out into the lake - ostensibly; appearing like that. It had only rocks as one of it's walls. The whole place was like a fort on a hillock with beautiful gardens all around!

Tis part was on the hillock. At the ground-level is the swimming pool and the pond for the ducks, and the laws with other things. There is a circular column that rises from the bed of the swimming pool and goes up to support a hut like open structure having a kind of umbrella on it. The only way to get to that place is a bridge - just 2 feet wide! I can imagine how beautiful it will look once everything is ready. It will be difficult for any person to even think that she is in India!

All this comes at a price. I can't mention the amount being spent. If I estimate the whole expenditure in dollars, the word starting with 'm' will be used. The word will be plural to express the size of the bank account a person needs to have to afford such a beauty.

I even played cricket there - had a great time with everything. We took many pictures of the palace. Everything is still under construction but still, it is already mesmerizing. My present screen name of Orkut is 'Island Dreams'!

Later in the evening we went to my father's paternal cousin's wedding. It was grand. Very grand. Almost all of the Andhra Pradesh's State Assembly was there - Chandra Babu Naidu, Rajashekhar Reddy, and all the MLA's and other ministers I am sure. Sania Mirza, Salman Khan, many Tollywood - Telugu - actors, the cast of the movie 'Angreez', and several other people. I hardly saw any of them. Just came to know that they were there. We reached the place late. The traffic was too much with so many ministers making the roads and the people on the roads to stop moving. The security was brilliant. The function was grand. the food served was not hot. The taste was fine.

I reached home and finally appeared only on Yahoo messenger after more than 24 hours! It was such a fine feeling to have 2 of my nicest friends online. I have college tomorrow and the OOSD (Object Oriented Systems Design) lab where I have to submit the first part of our case study along with my teammates. I took a lot of printouts just sometime back. But I don't think we are done. These prints, I hope, will be enough to keep our lecturer cool!

Friday, February 16, 2007

In defense of my ego!

I don't know where to start from today. Since today morning I have just been thinking if I should really write all that I have been thinking for the last 24 hours. I had some serious talking with a few people and I have learnt a lot about myself and also about these people. I have always heard that it is easier to give advices than taking them. I understand it is very much true.

Among all the people who talk to me, of all those who listen to me, from every person who knows me, I find myself as the first person who needs to take advices and not only take them but also do whatever is needed. My first objective now is to fight my ego. Perhaps this is also a kind of Jihaad - fighting against myself to get myself in the right path, no matter how much it hurts.

I am usually told that I listen to people no matter what they say and I am good with everybody. I know what I have inside me. I constantly rate people with what they are saying and how their intellect would possibly be. While doing this - rating people - I found some of them to be intellectually superior to me. I have mentioned about this in one of my previous posts. So, I am ready to listen to what these people say and even take their talks seriously; enough to guide my actions.

The other people - who I consider to be intellectually inferior to me - too say a lot to me. It is just my perspective about them that I feel myself superior to them. But they may be knowing more than me and maybe perhaps wiser than me. But my perspective is deeply held within me and I have to fight it out. I have to fight my ego and listen - not only listen, but also apply things these people tell me. They can be better than me. I maybe a very bad person with a swollen ego. Maybe I am driven by lots of pride that is bad ethically and religiously.

Today I attended the 'sanchak' function of my father's cousin. My father's uncle is a renowned gastroenterologist in Hyderabad and his son is getting married to the daughter of a congress MLA who also happens to be the minister of Coal and Mining Ministry of the State Government. The marriage is on Sunday and the Valima on Tuesday. The 'Sanchak' was at Lake View Banjara function hall.

My father's elder sister and my cousin brother are here at my home. They arrived from Gulbarga today afternoon and I am glad they are here with us. My elder cousin brother will be getting engaged soon. My aunt has found a girl for her. She is in 3rd year of Medicine. Presently, I am having a great time with my cousin. But I have no explanations for the sudden silences I fall into. I can't fight a few things - I find solitude necessary for me. My cousin make me happy always and I very happy to have him here. My aunt always makes me very comfortable - she is so nice.

Today morning i cleaned all my tables and also my bed. I arranged all my clothes but still some clothes are waiting for me to wash them. I have some old books to discard. I have somethings I much get repaired. Huh!