Ledge

Oh! She's nice, she's kind, innocent too. She's probably pretty, the right one for you. So just forget me: I'm only a friend. Though I'll be with you, until the end.

- Unknown

Waiting has always been so difficult. Waiting for the right time to come. Waiting for people to get convinced. Waiting to hear answers. Waiting with no control in my hands. It seems dumb at times. Irritating most of the time. Annoying always. It eats from inside. I had Lazania for the first time today. It was good alhamdulillah.

This would be my last post from Houston as for now. I have little or no idea when I am going to get here again. InshAllah by nightfall on Sunday I will be in Dallas. I cannot guess how I am going to feel once I am there. It's different worlds on both sides - family here and newly made friends there. I have began to love both of them though there are preferences depending on state of my needs and necessities that make me ask one of the two at varying times for varying lengths. The premise remains the same - satisfaction. If family never changes, I would love to be with it always. If friends don't change and never get replaced, I would give more preference to staying with them. But neither is possible. Future sometimes like past looks scary.

Never in my full senses did I ever hope that I move back even a day in my life. There were times when I wanted time to go pass very fast. Some occasions also saw me asking for a pause but I always knew I was being ridiculous. I always found it foolishness to believe that doing the same thing over and over again the same way would yield a different result. I tried to make things proceed in different ways to see if something works out favorably. Things happen only when Allah wants. Waiting in hope is self-defeating.

It's middle of the night here. Tomorrow I know it will be a different place and a different tempo but it's going to be the same me with the same things in my mind. Monday I will have my first class of Spring inshAllah. I will have so many people around me, asking me, telling me, smiling at me; all people I have met less than five months back. Though I never came here with expectations from people, alhamdulillah everything has turned out very well. Some thing always remained missing. Somehow I always knew Allah was going to punish me using this. Once I said about this to a friend but couldn't explain it.

We just can't walk away from anything we don't like because everywhere we go we take with us all the past we have and the hope of future we have dreamt. We all grow old, we stop dreaming, our dreams die away with time and one day we face the same end. Life starts with dreams - the dream to be the best, fastest, strongest, wealthiest. They all fade away showing us the same path. What comes and goes in between is said to matter the most. I don't understand how it can matter more when something as important as a dream has to die. From those who say my talk makes me seem like I live in a dream world to those who say they don't understand what I write... I am just waiting.

My Pink Camera

We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them. 

 - Author Unknown 

My 13 year old cousin asked laughing why my digital was pink in color. I said when I went to buy it was the only model I liked which fit my budget and pink was the only color available. I got a bit uncomfortable just after finishing that. I had to add immediately add that I desperately wanted to buy a camera so didn't want to wait till other colors were available. But now, I don't feel like using my camera in front of everybody thinking somebody would laugh again. A guy having a pink camera sounds sissy and gay. Whenever I get a chance, I will send this camera to my parents in India. Colors are not much an issue there.

When I was shopping for clothes back in India and deciding which of the old ones I must take with me to America, many of my friends would tell me I should avoid clothes of colors like yellow, bright blue, green, red and pink. What I failed to realize is that these people had never been to America and what they talk is only about whatever half-knowledge they had. Just because I heeded to them I left so many of my favorite shirts back in Hyderabad. Here my aunt gifted me shirts which were yellow, green and red in color. My cousins say even pink will go fine. My friends from Hyderabad know nothing.

Accessories that are pink in color are what I need to avoid, not clothes. Perhaps things are a bit different up north in places like Chicago but here in Texas all colors are good for guys. I have been having so many waves of anger for a friend who used to continuously asked me to avoid these colors. He is still in Hyderabad and when he sees me wearing those colors in the pictures I send him he comments saying I should avoid them all. He sounds illogical. He has little awareness of how things are here. It irritates me. I have come to a new understanding about we Indians - most of us think we run the world.

I had never worn T shirts in India. When I bought them for here I was made fun of - we Indians have this 'resistance to change' syndrome within us. I bought sizes I thought fit me well. Here my aunt and cousins told me I need to wear loose sizes. And now when I do that, all Indians in my university look at me as if I have committed some big sin. Keeping hair small is what everybody prefers here unless there is some specific styling adopted. When I cut my hair small for the first time I had a host of questions to answer. I appreciate change as long as it doesn't go again what Allah allows us. We Indians have a tendency to stay deeply faithful with our culture no matter what Allah allows us to do.

The other day at a party my cousins and their friends were having a discussion on having Chicken from outside - chicken which is halaal but not zabiha. After some detailed contentions that were put forth and comments from scholars, most of whom say it's perfectly alright to eat this meat, somebody asked "so why do we make such a big deal about this?" and there was a Chinese friend who replied "desis make it a big deal". We Indians are like that. Though I am convinced I can eat Chicken anywhere outside, I don't eat it only because my father doesn't seem to be convinced. I am avoiding it for him and it's alright with me.

Sweeter

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

- Eden Ahbez

I passed my road test for driving license on Friday morning. I had to be at the DPS office before 7 am with my aunt who took me there. After waiting in the queue for a long time an African American lady took my test. She was very polite and ignored a couple of small errors I made. I had not come to a dead stop at one of the stop signs and didn't slow down enough at a right turn that had no lights controlling it. She did point out my mistakes and asked me to be careful. I thank Allah so much for all this and everything. I take my driving license as a big achievement I have made here in America.

Some times I end up having myself reminding to me that I am in America. It's looks so much like home frequently. And there are times I feel terribly sad and lonely. I feel like going back to my parents, spending a day with them and come back here. There are times when I talk to some of my friends I end up asking them if we could meet at least for a while and get back to our lives again after that. But all along when I think of such a thing I know I don't mean it. Even if that were possible, it's illogical. I just love them so much I can't resist doing this wishful thinking. I was so glad and happy when my friend who got married a few days back called me up. It was a little before 4 am when I was sleeping when she called. Though I could recognize her voice I asked her if it was her because I couldn't believe I was talking to her. It was great talking to her husband too. I thank Allah and pray they both find peace in both the worlds.

I returned from a barbecue party sometime back. It was at my second cousin's house here in Houston. The party was hosted by him and my first cousin. There were several of their common friends and though I was never a part of their conversations I enjoyed being with them, listening to them and learning from them about them. For the first time I ate something which doesn't come under the Zabiha bracket but was still Halaal. It was Kosher hot dogs. Alhamdullillah Allah has made everything so simple and easy for us that there are options to choose from in every context of life we get to live in. There were around 25 to 30 guys who attended the party and they included Indians, Pakistanis, Americans, Egyptians and other Arabs as well - all of them my cousins' friends. We had lots of fun.

Last week I attended a protest rally which stood in front of the Israeli consulate in downtown Houston against the attack on Palestine. I could fire up a huge topic on what's going on all over the world, how Jews are controlling world politics, how India is doing it all wrong, RSS, BJP, terrorist attacks in India all carried out by Hindus, Gujrat, Pakistan and Kashmir. It's all burning within me these days. My perspectives have changed since I have come here. All we Indians are just frogs in the well not knowing the truth or simply refusing to understand it. Now that when I see things from a distance, I get to see the whole picture and see who is doing what. I am in support of Pakistan and I don't fear calling Israel the axis of evil. May Allah bless all my Muslim brothers and sisters all over the world, bring peace to everybody and protect us from all sorts of evils even we can't imagine but Allah is aware of.

A few days back I went to watch the movie 'Benjamin Button' to a theatre here in Houston with a cousin and his friend who was here from Chicago. I liked the movie though found it something very different and amusing. I had seen quite a few movies since I came here to Houston. We have been using my laptop and a projector to watch these movies in big size on a wall in the living room. It gives a great experience. The other day I watched 'Get Smart'. There were few more before that.

I had seriously been wanting to spend some of my time with my cousin sister in Austin. After so much of planning and timing, we finally decided that she would come down to Houston with her family for the next weekend inshAllah. I would be waiting for that. I am pretty much relaxed now that I have my driving license with me. When I get back to Dallas one of my first priorities would be to get in touch with some people there, find ways to make things easier and if necessary buy a car inshAllah. Alhamdulillah things have been going very well though not like how I had planned when I was back in India. I have seen better and bigger things than I had thought and imagined and I am pretty sure there is more to come. InshAllah. There is just something going on at home in Hyderabad and I pray to Allah I get to hear everything very positive at the earliest. I pray for everybody's happiness.

I try my best to stay in contact with as many people as possible though it is not always in my hands to be as I would ideally want myself to be. Lately I have found myself getting slightly critical about a few people and thinking about them is turning me away from them. It's not just about a single such person, it's more than that. I am trying my best to be how a responsible Muslim should be but still it's not easy to control my heart. I keep falling in love daily with people I already love. But when I look at some people through the rules set on us by Allah, I do find them incorrect in many ways one of which includes 'being indifferent'. I pray to Allah that He guides me onto the right path. It's love I want to be made of.

Allah And Me

Love reminds you that noting else matters.

I am in Austin right now. It's just one of those things I never thought I would ever be doing in my life - being here at Austin and writing for my blog. I was in Houston until Saturday morning when I started with two of my aunts for this place. An uncle and a cousin sister live here. And the best part is their houses are side by side. In the evening, with my sister's husband and two of his friends I went to watch a movie in a theatre -Ghajini. I didn't like the movie but found it as pure entertainment. Then there was a heavy dinner at my sister's place. I wanted to be there for some more time, talk to my sister and spend time with my niece and nephew but they had some guests so I came back to my uncle's house.

Yesterday I attended a wedding in Houston - for the first time in America. It was good, pleasing and interesting. I like the way people carry themselves here. Though all wedding parties are mixed gatherings, women observe hijaab wearing scarfs and carry themselves with confidence. Not even for a moment does it appear any Unislamic except for the music that was played there. Alhamdulillah. The marriage function was in Marriot. The other day I spent a lot of time at Hilton in downtown Houston. The Texas Dawah Convention accommodates its volunteers in a start hotel like Hilton and two my cousins and their several friends were volunteers. We prayed Ishan at 24th floor of the building beside the swimming pool. I had never been to such a high-rise building before. I liked my time there.

The courses I would be taking up for the next semester include Introduction To Cryptography and Semantic Web. I am sure I will get either Software Architecture and Design or Software Project Planning and Management. I am yet to get that registered done. My classes start on 12th inshAllah and I will be back in Dallas before time inshAllah. I have already learnt a lot about being a part of a big family here in America, meeting people who are very distant relatives and making myself one of all these Americans. I am sure hardly any students like me get to live this kind of life here. Alhamdulillah.

It Boils Down To Love

One day when Pooh was thinking, he thought he would go and see Eeyore, because he hadn't seen him since yesterday.

- Chapter Four, The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne, 1982

I wanted to talk to somebody to make myself feel better but it didn't sound appropriate that I call the friends I could think of now. So, I called up my father instead. It was short but it gave me what I needed - a voice filled with love. I spoke to my mother a few hours back but then I had called her to let her know of some financial matters here. I had told her about the fee I had paid at the university and the courses I registered for the Spring semester. Just before hanging up she told me something I didn't expect to hear when I called her and I kept thinking about it for a long time. Things seem to have changed.

Then for a long time I thought about the last time I hugged my parents. I thought about the faces and words I am never going to forget. I thought about many things that won't come again. There are no possible metrics to measure change. I thought writing a few lines on my blog could help. It has helped me many times. Tomorrow I will go to the university and study for Monday's test. I fear not getting a good grade in this course so I have to give in a lot. Today I even had to cut on my breakfast for I had no time for it when I woke up. One of my team mates had told me that the submission date for the final deliverable was 13th and today he woke me up telling it was over already. I had to rush to my laptop and do as much as I could. Alhamdulillah the professor didn't mind a submission that was four hours late. Had it been some other professor, I would have lost an A.

Too frequently I ask myself if I am missing something and it frustrates me. When an ant crawls up onto my hand I play with it. I let it pass through my fingers, make circles on my palm and work through the designs and curves of my hand. But the moment it moves up into my shirt's hand cuff I shrug it off. As long something stays in front of us, let it even be a problem, as long as we know what it is and know what it is capable of, we are alright with it. The moment it goes beyond our knowledge it becomes a bother. I am astonished at how little I can control, how humble we all have to be and how insignificant a wish could mean. So much depends on hope. So much depends on what we haven't seen but hope to see. So much depends on the dreams we see. It is Allah who decides.

Eid

Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world's perfect food. 

- Michael Levine, nutrition researcher, as quoted in The Emperors of Chocolate: Inside the Secret World of Hershey and Mars

Saturday evening I came along with my cousin to Houston. Alhamdulillah we reached a little before 12 midnight. After having a hearty talk with my uncle and aunt I sat down with my laptop for more than an hour. I had to crash out then. I have finally managed to pull down the number of hours I am sleeping these days to around six. Alhamdulillah. Yesterday I spent time with my uncle and aunt, drove around a little and slept only after 3 am. And it was Eid ul Azha today. I met so many of my second cousins and relatives from my aunt's side. I didn't miss my parents because they all made me feel like a part of their family. My cousins' grandmother said "you are lucky to get a chance to be in a family for Eid". I know I am. Alhamdulillah.

I have a test on December which I badly need to do well. Though my projects in this course scored 99%, I wasn't good with the first test and the assignment. It was hurting after I had put in so many hours of work about that piece of program and still scored 15 points below average. There were a few things the professor showed later which I could have done to improve on a few points. But it's over now. I just hope I don't go below a B in this course. Alhamdulillah I went good with the other two and inshAllah I will also get an A in one of them.

It's home here for me in Houston. When I go back to Dallas I am going to miss all this part of America!

The Chocolate Connoisseur

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.
- Linda Grayson, The Pickwick Papers   

A lot of time got wasted in the last few days especially after I got done with two of my three tests. I have the last test on December 15th and I am yet to start with it's preparation. InshAllah I will begin that tomorrow. After a lot of patience and as a big blessing from Allah I scored more than four points above the class average in one of those two tests. I am yet to receive the scores of the other test. It was complicated. It's only Allah's will. The one I have on 15th needs a lot of help from Allah. Though my projects were better than all other teams in the class, I didn't do well in the first test. I badly need to clear the averages to get a decent grade. Alhamdulilllah in one of the three courses I hold a fair chance to get an A.

It's an equivalent of -4 degree Centigrade here right now. Though the actual temperature is 1 degree, it's chilling cold outside. In the evening I had been to Wal-mart and it just ended up in one of those days I will remember for long. We always drag the cart right upto the bust stand and this time we exceeded out limits of shopping. I even went for grape juice, frozen french fries and a packet of M&M chocolate this time apart from the regular supplies of milk, shrimp flavored noodles, bread and rice. I kind of enjoy a lot when I go to Wal-mart, Super Target or Tom Thumb. They talk about some part of future to me!

I have a project presentation to make in the class that starts at 11:30 am. I have finished my part of the work on Sunday but was spending some time complementing my team mates. We are a team of seven and I was int he documentation group. For this final deliverable I created a Vision Document and Softgoal Interdependency Graphs. Though this wasn't much work compared to what my other team mates did, they were always there to encourage me with whatever I was doing. Alhamdulillah I learnt a lot being with these people. They are all elder to me in both working experience and age. I am yet to meet people in two of my courses who do not have any work experience and are of my age! It's an ocean of big sharks here with only my roommates and me as small fish. Only that these sharks are very friendly, caring and helpful!

The forecast for the next 24 hours shows a low of -2 degrees Centigrade. I am sure it's going to feel like -6 at least. A couple of degrees below this and it's going to snow I guess. In the evening when I spoke to my cousin he said he asked me if I was willing to come to Houston with him this weekend. My heart jumped with happiness. InshAllah I will meet my uncle and aunt there again. I am waiting for weekend to come. After tomorrow's presentation there isn't much I have to do. I have a small project to submit on 13th which I am sure my team mates will manage. I will only have a spend a couple of hours after it I suppose. The test on 15th is still a matter of concern. InshAllah I will work harder than before and score above average. If I get to do that, a fish will become as good as a shark!

There is no measure of how much Allah has helped me learn in the last 4 months. It all started with my cousin's marriage where for the first time I drove late nights all alone. My parents were leaving just after all the ceremonies were getting over and I wanted to stay till everybody had left for their homes. Then came my first experience of flying. It was a journey of more than 33 hours. Then it was staying away from my parents. If it was not for those wonderful people I met after coming here, I am sure things would have been very difficult. Allah helped me everywhere. I know things could have gone either ways. Allah wanted it to be easy for me. And so it has always been. Alhamdulillah. Learning has no limits. InshAllah.