That's How I Know It

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.
- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

I remember those days when my father had decided to close down his business and moved some of the machinery to a new place handing it over to a guy who used to work for him previously. Mamma too had to go to Sangareddy daily for she had been transferred there as the General Manager of District Co-operative Central Bank of Medak. Daily my brother and I had to take care of what had to be cooked in the nights, instruct the maid, take innumerable instructions from mamma on phone, take care of evening tea and snacks, collect drinking water and even some times wait to see our parents' faces late in the night. It was only after 9 pm that mamma used to arrive home.

Then my father took over the management of a school belonging to his friend. Till date I wonder why exactly he did that. I always wondered how it could be to have a mother who stayed home. Mamma always had to worry about her office, the union leaders who troubled her, the hundreds of employees who worked under her who always had problems with every decision made, the targets she had to meet and the responsibilities she had to carry. She had started to hate her cell phone. After several requests made to the Managing Director of the head office, meeting some MLAs and consulting several people she could finally get herself back to Hyderabad. Then some months later my father started working with his brother for the Trust's schools which had been previously managed by some other relatives who had brought a lot of disgrace to the Trust which was supposed to serve the poor around that place.

It was those months when my father had nothing to do which were terrible. Money was not much of an issue but still mamma had decided that we must cut back on expenses. She had made us stop using the car, we stopped going to restaurants, neither were we getting any food from outside, there were plans to purchase some appliances for home and she had dropped those plans. This was just for a very short period - two months I guess - but it left a mark on me. Though it didn't cause any pain, it taught me some very important things which otherwise I wouldn't have ever realized. Because I was always allowed to handle my money I knew how important it is to save. My father always had opposite beliefs - he never saves.

When I got most of our liquid and fixed assets evaluated as a proof of financial worthiness to be shown at the consulate I realized how well my mother has managed to make it so comfortable for my brother and me. She had earned what people don't in the whole of their lifetime. It was mostly because she was taught about delayed gratification by her father and also because she studied commerce and mastered it. Whatever it was, she succeeded in her objective as my mother. My father on the other hand had different priorities for himself but he always managed to give my brother and me the love we couldn't get from our mother because she was not home when we needed her.

Mamma always spent money on home, my brother and me. She didn't leave even a small gap in what all that had to be filled. But when she comes home daily, I greet her with a big smile and all happiness in my heart and she only greets back with no smile on her face, it beats all reasons to my happiness. She has the habit to remain tensed about everything. Whenever she gets frustrated at her office she pours it at home. She shows love only when it is convenient to her, she shows affection only when she feels like - not when I need it. I don't complain for what she is and how she is. I only wonder how it could have been if my parents had remained more appropriate to their roles. It's all how Allah wants it to be and I am pretty satisfied.

From what I hear from my parents there are people who want my father's schools and the Trust which is in his grandmother's name to be sold. The sole purpose of this establishment is social service through educating the poor and the needy at a very low fee. The Trust was started by my father's aunt when she deposited a huge amount in a bank for the Trust to be run. I wonder why there are people who want to defeat this purpose. There are hundreds of poor who bless those who work for these schools and those who have contributed to it in any form. I know its value runs into crores of rupees but that's not what it is meant for. It is meant for charity. It is meant for the Aakhirat of my great grandmother and all those who are involved in the noble cause. I know as long as my uncle is the managing trustee this purpose will be met in the best possible way Allah decides.

The best part of the whole of my family has been our self-dependence and independence from what other relatives had to decide or do. My parents can take decisions without having to contact anybody else - elder or younger in relation. Nobody has to ask for any big favors now. We chose our directions and live our lifestyles and when we meet each other we are all at peace. I have seen other people who are bound by relations and families and commitments to other relatives. Alhamdulillah what I see among my relatives is all perfect. I am glad for all the people I have.

The other day when I was with my friends we had a short talk on those who are problematic with their swollen egos. Today I did absolutely nothing all through the day sitting home wondering what went wrong and this talk struck my mind. I couldn't get to the other end of the answer to why people are bogged up with their egos and create problems with people around them and some times even friends. Alhamdulillah I haven't really experienced anything wrong going on involving me but there are some distasteful patches at some places. There is envy and jealousy which I cannot understand and I might be unable to explain it to anybody even if I get to the other end. Possession of no amount of money, endurance of no amount of pain and neither does any amount of self-love entitles a person to tell that he can stop talking to others or disregard them. What is right is right no matter how difficult it is for a person to behave right.

I have an acquaintance who was rejected F1 visa today. He said there were eight straight rejections before him and he was the 9th. I really had all my heart with him and wanted him to return home successful but it was saddening when I heard the news. I completely agree that Americans have full rights to deny any person entry into their state and I should not complain even if they reject me. What I pity is the seriousness involved in it. I know I didn't feel good when I was put on hold and I also know what I would have felt had I been rejected. I would have rather become more social if things had become too negative. I will always prefer accepting my ignorance than just talking crap to entertain others to grab their attention. I also believe that being normal involves letting others too remain normal - not in stopping them from being how they would be if there was no pressure on them. That is not normal even remotely. And that is how I know it. That is how I conceive of it.

Pouvez-Vous Expliquer?

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
- Jennifer James

It gives excitement to do unorthodox things. Saturday, after I reached home around 9:15 pm, with my parents and brother, I went to a bakery near my house to buy burgers. Then we sat in the car at a quite place by the side of a road on our way to Softy Den to have these burgers. After having ice cream we went to my aunt's house nearby. My father hurt his shin while kicking start his two-wheeler last week and he wanted to consult my cousin. My cousin had an off so was at home like as it was last Sunday. I was tired when I finally reached home.

That was the second ice cream of the day for me. Earlier in the day I had met my friends at City Center, had lunch at Bowl - O - China and spent some time at Eat Street where I had my first cone of the day. A few minutes after I reached home from Eat Street a friend picked me up and we went to see off a friend who was leaving for Bangalore. He missed his bus at the starting point and boarded it finally at the stop at Lakdikapul. Just a day before that I had met him thinking that it was possibly the last time for the time-being. It just wasn't the case and we met again on Saturday.

On Sunday I finally woke up at 2 pm hearing my phone ring for the second time. An hour later I was at Eat Street again with two friends. We were there for four hours - we had serious talks, we had some jokes and some discussions. There were no pointless talks for those four hours. By the time I reached home it was 7:40 pm and I started for my aunt's house in Malakpet. It was my uncle's birthday and also some of my distant relatives from Warangal were here on a visit so we had a get-together. I was inexplicably tired and feeling sleepy but I had to drive back home. I was so happy to see no heavy traffic - the last time I had passed by that road in the night it was full of trucks.

Monday morning I met a friend at Masab Tank. Then we went to Apple iStore and Music World before reaching college - he had to buy the VCD of the movie 'Nikah' at Music World. 'Nikah' is the only movie till now we couldn't find on the Internet to download. After spending hardly 30 minutes in the college we went to Sarvi and returned college an hour later. After college it was Jagdish market and then finally back home. He dropped me and left to report at his office. His timings these days are 5 pm to 2 am.

My post till now has been full of facts. It's nice to have such facts to write to please myself knowing that I did something in the last few days. Apart from going to my grandmother's house for sometime there isn't anything I did today. Also I walked almost 5 milometers. And I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow or the day after or in the days to come. My cousin is here from Kyrgyzstan so maybe I can go meet him. I can also meet a friend who only seems to give late replies to my messages on Facebook but never thinks of coming to my house. And of course I also have to meet a friend who got his F1 visa a few days back. But I might not be doing these tomorrow. A friend had called me today and I will call him back in the morning and ask him to come to my house. There are very, very little chances that he would come.

From The Moment I Could Talk

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
- Jim Valvano

It was yet another day of telling a goodbye. My friend who was supposed to leave for Bangalore today is leaving tomorrow so he paid a last minute visit to my residence just sometime back. I was so glad to see him and wanted to make him stay longer. He asked if we could stand outside with the cool breeze and talk mentioning that coming inside would remind him of all the times we enjoyed in my house. I insisted that he came in. He will be joining Accenture at Bangalore on Monday and was a little displeased that he was not being provided with accommodation. Somehow the people at the company had come to know about his sister's presence in the town and asked him to stay with her whereas he has no such plans.

As I do with all my friends almost every time I went down stairs with him to see him off. It seemed like just all the times I walked with him down that way. We stood outside for a while as he left. We hoped that we meet someday for sure. Being in contact is absolutely no problem. I asked him to loose some weight, never put too much heart into girls there in Bangalore and insisted that he continued with studies after a year in Accenture. Then of course there were things I cannot write here for the same reason why I cannot write why I had to tell him the second thing. It was sweet that he came to meet me; it was tasteless when he left.

In the morning I called up a friend informing him that I will be at his house around 1:15 pm. Then I went to sleep. By the time I reached his place it was 1:45 pm and we attended the Juma prayers for 2 pm. Another friend was already there when I reached his place and we had good time laughing and teasing each other. I even had a taste of guitar at his house. One of them came over to my house later and I copied the 2nd and 3rd seasons of 'How I Met Your Mother' from his ipod. I even got that concert by Shahrukh Khan with many cricket players in it which was aired on Sahara One some months back. It's something I was look out for for a long time now.

Epiphany

I'm sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime.
- Keanu Reeves

The next three paragraphs were written by me around 5:15 pm Thursday. I wanted to write and let some words out badly then. Then power went off; and it kept fluctuating for a lot of time. Then the connection to the Internet was troublesome. Things are somehow fine now. I just finished watching the movie 'A Walk In The Clouds'. I wanted to cry all the while; it was not the movie though. I have been feeling that for many hours now. I know tomorrow will be a new sun and I will be fresh again. As of now it's nice to be connected and I am chatting with a friend - it's always great to do that.

It's never easy on ears and heart to hear about any deaths. I have been hearing quite a few these days but the most bitter came when my brother informed me about my late grandfather's friend's demise today afternoon. He was a neighbor for many decades, a friend of my father too and always a well wisher for our family. He is a distant relative from my maternal aunt's side. He is well known in the locality for all the work he did for the betterment of that place. It's a shocking news to us all and I pray Allah grants peace to his family.

Today was one of those days when you get to hear some discomforting things one by one. It's drizzling outside and I wanted to spend some time doing nothing so, I went upstairs to the terrace. I just looked around, stared down all the four parapet walls, looked at the entrance to the street that has been blocked due to some digging up of the road to lay water pipes and hoped things turn better in the days to come. I wanted to call up a friend and tell him that I love him for what he is. But I suppose this is not the right time to do it. I am waiting to see him.

I spoke to both my parents in the last one hour. I informed my father about the death and by the time I spoke to my mother she already knew about it. Mother said that it was raining heavily at Abids and I hope she arrives home safely. The funeral will be performed after Ishan and I am yet to hear about the place. My brother will be staying at an aunt's place in the night. I was a kind of feeling good about him staying awake late in the nights watching TV or reading something all these days. Tonight I will be alone with my computer. It's not so sad at all; I just need to freshen up myself. I haven't met anybody outside house since Sunday - it's five days now being at home all the time and I need to meet my friends.

So, these were the three paragraphs. My brother stayed home with us and not at aunt's place. Mother reached home a little after 7:15 pm and when father was home a lot later he was fully drenched in water. We didn't go to the funeral as it was still raining. I simply cannot understand what I am feeling right now. It's as if I've lost something but not able to figure it out. Something seems to be incomplete yet nothing relative has changed. One of my friends is leaving for Bangalore tomorrow to start with his job in Accenture and I hope to see him once. I even want to go to another friend's house. I cannot explain how much I have been waiting for Friday to come. Because I will be going out of my house and also meeting some of my close people.

The Only One I can Say That To

When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that.
- King Baldwin IV, Kingdom of Heaven

The other day I was talking about the king Asoka with my father when he told me that history books don't tell us who the king of Kalinga was. I remember reading in school how Asoka after having fought the Battle of Kalinga was moved by the sight of hundreds of soldiers lying dead and then moved on to become a symbol of peace and secularism. He is said to have met some monk, when he took on a journey to salvation, who guided him to become the famous Asoka as we all know. I wonder why our historians didn't formulate anything about the King of Kalinga at that time. Who was the king Asoka fought? Or will the question "did the Battle of Kalinga ever take place?" be a valid argument? This is just a small instance of several missing and unexplained pieces in history as presented to us.

A good example that explains why precisely the history we get to study in our schools is corrupt is one of Aurangzeb. He has been termed as a 'Sunni bigot'. I personally don't know much about him except that he used to write copies of the Holy Quran with his own hands to earn his living. Though he spent excessive money on building monuments and took taxes from non-Muslims, there is no documented proof that he was any bad - only the books say so. I visited Aurangabad several years back and I remember seeing a that had infrastructure built by Aurangzeb for the benefit of his subjects. Those who accept the fictitious details given in our books are no better than those who have written them.

We are told about how beautiful the Taj Mahal is and how well it is a symbol of love. I have never seen it and I find nothing glorious in it that makes me want to see it. Maybe it is the most beautiful of all the monuments on the earth but what I know about it is that it was built by spending millions of Rupees belonging to people and the man who built it had several wives. I don't know what made him do it. What I do know is that love cannot be symbolised. The same books that talk of love also tell us that our ancestors were animals resembling monkeys. It's the theory of evolution. What we are not told is that Einstein himself has said he was not sure of what he has put forth but he believes in it because it enabled him to explain many questions about our existence. Can ever love evolve? No religion supports the theory of evolution. We believe in facts and truths.

We cannot fight every fallacy we see but what we can do is let others know about it at least. Whenever I hear anybody tell that nothing like love exists I am reminded of a verse from the Holy Quran: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." Allah uses the word "love" several times in His book. Allah says He loves us. It's better we all remember what Allah has to tell. It's foolishness to deny what has been put in our hearts. For some it can be inconvenient, for those like me it is the answer.

Apart from a couple of chats, some cleaning, reading of a part of a book and finishing the rest of the part of the movie 'Kingdom of Heaven' there was hardly anything I did today. I was expecting a call from a friend but his off-liners told me that I was forgotten somewhere and so there was no call. That wasn't nice to think about - being forgotten. I am to blame somehow - it's comfortable to put it that way. With no hard feeling I will leave this behind me as there is simply no other option other than quibbling only to loose peace. I am looking ahead for tomorrow, the day after, and the days there off. Nobody can complain about me being excessive about the word 'love'. I will take complains about 'chocolate' just to enjoy it. I can keep that amusement forever - the word 'chocolate'; I must be precise. Somehow I am not comfortable with today's title and also with what I had written in the post 'Awe' dated June 9th, 2008. But what has been written has been written - it will stay undeterred.

Encore

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
- John Wooden

I had to work through the day today to make it pass. I had my brother home so I was a kind of relaxed with no worries to think about who was coming and going. I even finished the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' finally after having it kept for a month almost. There are 30 movies on my computer I am yet to watch and most of them are good ones. It's funny how I get lazy when it comes to even entertaining myself. I always tend to have some preference or a mood that guides my behaviour when it comes to passing time. The other morning I went to sleep a little before 4 am with happiness on my face - partly because I had received my joining date at Infosys and I lay on the bed trying to figure out what the other part was about.

I don't intend to join Infosys as long as I am getting the visa but I was worried that I would be called before I get the visa. July 14th is more than a month away so that's a part of my happiness. But after imagining the days to come for a few moments I got into thinking if I could really go ahead with Infosys even if I get the visa. I know this sounds ridiculous and I need to put a cap on my whims. To be frank I find it as the easier way to opt for. I will start getting a salary, I will be a little closer to my parents and I will be with my dearest friends. But I still know what I am going to do and I will do it with a big heart.

I thought it was going to rain heavily yesterday when temperature came down and it started to shower; but it was dry again today. I am hoping to see sky breaking down and pouring. I would go out on the terrace and spend some time with the rain and smell the perfumed earth. The number of trees in the surrounding areas have come down drastically with the major deforestation process carried out by the Indian army when they built several buildings for World Military Games last year. I wonder why the government makes such a hue and cry about forests when one of its own major departments chopped down hundreds of trees to facilitate some gaming festival here. And military men are very bad drivers - they drive their trucks on city roads as if they own them.

Awe

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
- Benjamin Disraeli

I didn't know how I was going to spend the rest of my day when I got out of bed in the morning but a discrete short chat with a friend reminded me of the voluminous 'My Videos' folder I have on my computer's hard-drive and the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' still left to be watched. I watched a few more episodes, listened to some music, slept again in the evening, watched another episode and here I am. There is a friend online I am chatting with right now and he seems to be watching some movie I had once enjoyed and liked a lot. It had Brad Pitt in one of the lead roles and the movie was awesome.

One of the reasons I went to sleep in the evening was disconnection from the Internet apart from a sleepy eye. I am looking at a lot of things around to get big on something seriously. Reading and watching movies are just regular and seldom do I get carried away by even the most intriguing entertainments. I didn't completely forget something too painstaking I had almost a year back. It did actually had got me carried away. I have always had some lovely people around and it can't continue now by any means. But whenever I get to talk to any of my friends it's not at all so bad.

I am almost used to this new way of living now - of having nothing to do, not knowing what exactly the coming month is going to show me and not knowing who are the ones with whom I am going to spend most of my time with a few months from now. I remember when I was in my Intermediate studies and Engineering 1st year both my parents would tell me that I didn't know how to make friends. Once when my uncle had asked me why I never got along with anybody in the college I had replied "the way I don't have my school friends with me now, I might not have the people with whom I could probably get along now in the later part of my life". That was perhaps an answer not expected from an 18 year old. And that was a lame answer. It was like refusing to live because that risked dying.

Saturday night I watched the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'. The movie was already too serious and touchy and by the time I started logging out of all my accounts to switch off my computer I scrolled my messenger's list to see it all grey. Now, that's not something new but my heart was already in a low and the messenger presented a disheartening sight. I slept and woke up fresh to a Sunday. In the evening I went out to have pizza with my parents and also met my aunt. My cousin had an off at his hospital which gave me a chance to ask him if he had started preparing for his marriage. He said he was too busy these days and was about to start with his second year of DNB.

A couple of weeks back I had installed Yahoo Messenger after having used Pidgin for several months. Today I logged in through Pidgin again and felt that this way I might see more people online! I had got used to Pidgin, I had got used to seeing people online there and it was when college was on; so I felt nice using it again. But I know that's not how it goes. The fact that I say I am almost used to this new living, I have to convert that 'almost' into 'completely' before I move on the something 'extremely' new. I am looking ahead for that though it could be a difficult transition.

I am worried about something that has been going on in my mind for some time now. The biggest problem is that things are going to remain good as long as I keep it in my mind. Maybe some years later I can tell everybody about it with an apology - though it's not at all something to apologise for - explaining them that it was genuine, had to be kept under cover to continue how things were and that we are mature enough to understand what it was and why it could be told only so late. I am sure I won't be condemned then - I will look for a time when most of us are at least committed and have made many friends leaving me behind. That way my words won't come harsh and will be judged trivial.

We are not exactly that people we see the in mirrors. We have our intentions, some meaningless, some too genuine to be explained, we have our desires, we have questions like "why can I not get everything I want to have?", we have answers for those kind of questions, we have our ways to confront reality or at least tell ourselves that we have done it and we have our ways to tell the truth. I never ask "why can I not get everything I want to have?", I wonder how I could get nearly everything I ought to have some times without even knowing I already have it and just realizing it someday. I am sure I will get over this worry I have in me soon inshAllah.