Awe

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
- Benjamin Disraeli

I didn't know how I was going to spend the rest of my day when I got out of bed in the morning but a discrete short chat with a friend reminded me of the voluminous 'My Videos' folder I have on my computer's hard-drive and the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' still left to be watched. I watched a few more episodes, listened to some music, slept again in the evening, watched another episode and here I am. There is a friend online I am chatting with right now and he seems to be watching some movie I had once enjoyed and liked a lot. It had Brad Pitt in one of the lead roles and the movie was awesome.

One of the reasons I went to sleep in the evening was disconnection from the Internet apart from a sleepy eye. I am looking at a lot of things around to get big on something seriously. Reading and watching movies are just regular and seldom do I get carried away by even the most intriguing entertainments. I didn't completely forget something too painstaking I had almost a year back. It did actually had got me carried away. I have always had some lovely people around and it can't continue now by any means. But whenever I get to talk to any of my friends it's not at all so bad.

I am almost used to this new way of living now - of having nothing to do, not knowing what exactly the coming month is going to show me and not knowing who are the ones with whom I am going to spend most of my time with a few months from now. I remember when I was in my Intermediate studies and Engineering 1st year both my parents would tell me that I didn't know how to make friends. Once when my uncle had asked me why I never got along with anybody in the college I had replied "the way I don't have my school friends with me now, I might not have the people with whom I could probably get along now in the later part of my life". That was perhaps an answer not expected from an 18 year old. And that was a lame answer. It was like refusing to live because that risked dying.

Saturday night I watched the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'. The movie was already too serious and touchy and by the time I started logging out of all my accounts to switch off my computer I scrolled my messenger's list to see it all grey. Now, that's not something new but my heart was already in a low and the messenger presented a disheartening sight. I slept and woke up fresh to a Sunday. In the evening I went out to have pizza with my parents and also met my aunt. My cousin had an off at his hospital which gave me a chance to ask him if he had started preparing for his marriage. He said he was too busy these days and was about to start with his second year of DNB.

A couple of weeks back I had installed Yahoo Messenger after having used Pidgin for several months. Today I logged in through Pidgin again and felt that this way I might see more people online! I had got used to Pidgin, I had got used to seeing people online there and it was when college was on; so I felt nice using it again. But I know that's not how it goes. The fact that I say I am almost used to this new living, I have to convert that 'almost' into 'completely' before I move on the something 'extremely' new. I am looking ahead for that though it could be a difficult transition.

I am worried about something that has been going on in my mind for some time now. The biggest problem is that things are going to remain good as long as I keep it in my mind. Maybe some years later I can tell everybody about it with an apology - though it's not at all something to apologise for - explaining them that it was genuine, had to be kept under cover to continue how things were and that we are mature enough to understand what it was and why it could be told only so late. I am sure I won't be condemned then - I will look for a time when most of us are at least committed and have made many friends leaving me behind. That way my words won't come harsh and will be judged trivial.

We are not exactly that people we see the in mirrors. We have our intentions, some meaningless, some too genuine to be explained, we have our desires, we have questions like "why can I not get everything I want to have?", we have answers for those kind of questions, we have our ways to confront reality or at least tell ourselves that we have done it and we have our ways to tell the truth. I never ask "why can I not get everything I want to have?", I wonder how I could get nearly everything I ought to have some times without even knowing I already have it and just realizing it someday. I am sure I will get over this worry I have in me soon inshAllah.