Today I started watching Mission Impossible. I started. I see movies at home in parts! It will take another two sitting before I can say I have finished watching it. Hilarious! I know.
Tomorrow I might be going to the college. The reason would be that some of my friends are coming and I felt a bit 'not-so-good' staying at home today. I know this is hilarious again!
There are many more hilarious things happening around. Some are supposed to be very serious. I hardly thought about them today but did talk about them to some of my friends. It was necessary. I won't give reasons like I am very much human. That again would become hilarious.
There was nothing significant that happened today. Perhaps this was one of the most trivial days in the last ten. And there is nothing hilarious in it.
My hands and fingers simply went to the mouse and the keyboard to get me to the edit page of my blog in blogger.com else I wouldn't have written anything today. I am very much my own self and there is nothing wrong in me. I thought I would be writing something big today but as it appears, it was limited to the thinking. My hands and fingers didn't resemble my thinking. It happens. Many times.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Read: My blog is my character ... almost
Many times when a person goes for a job interview he is asked to talk about himself. I was wondering how a person can talk about himself without telling good - things in his favor. If he goes on to tell the bitter things in him then he would hold no chance of getting the job. And we all know that it is considered insane to talk good things about ones own self. I couldn't get the point how a person can be given a job on what he tells about himself.
There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.
To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.
I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.
I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.
My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.
I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.
I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.
If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."
Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.
I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.
My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.
My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.
Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.
For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.
Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.
The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.
If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.
There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.
To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.
I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.
I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.
My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.
I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.
I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.
If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."
Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.
I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.
My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.
My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.
Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.
For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.
Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.
The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.
If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Love is blind and madness always accompanies it!
Some days back when my father went to a petrol pump to get his two-wheeler filled, he fell short of change. He had currency notes and the person there wanted a rupee in change. When my father put his hand into his pocket, he took out a pack of mint, 'minto', with the two last pieces in it. He offered it the person there with a smile. The person took one and my father popped the second into his mouth. There was no issue with that rupee then.
My father was explaining to me that every person is nice. All we need is the right approach. Usually people working at such places are stubborn and they don't understand what courtesy is. This time it was different. Very different.
Saturday late in the evening we went t an electronics show at Abids, TMC, and purchased a television. It was delivered to our house the next day. It is Samsung Plano - 29 inches flat. I simply can't resist staring at it! As if that was not enough to make me get more interested in watching television - which definitely I am going to resist successfully - today I came to know that we won an upgrade to the present model. That will be done in the next coming five days.
Today I had the first of my lab externals. It was made very easy for me by Allah. There was some problem with one of the two programs, but after the lecturer checked the code, she found that the algorithm had no fault in it and she marked 'executed' for it. Viva too was easy. Alhamdulillah. I have two more tests to go. InshAllah I will do them well too.
Today after coming from the college I spent some good time with the newspapers. I read some things that are specially made available in the news papers so that they sell. Those 'things' were interesting but more than half of it was crap. Not that I didn't read sensible things - I read about the military developments being undertaken by USA and Russia especially the deployment of missile interceptors by the United States in eastern Europe. There are some ideas of the continuation of the famous cold war. Russia says US is doing it because Russians are upgrading their defense systems. US says the interceptors are for the long range Iranian missiles. There is no proof that Iran is in possession of such long range weaponry.!
My father was explaining to me that every person is nice. All we need is the right approach. Usually people working at such places are stubborn and they don't understand what courtesy is. This time it was different. Very different.
Saturday late in the evening we went t an electronics show at Abids, TMC, and purchased a television. It was delivered to our house the next day. It is Samsung Plano - 29 inches flat. I simply can't resist staring at it! As if that was not enough to make me get more interested in watching television - which definitely I am going to resist successfully - today I came to know that we won an upgrade to the present model. That will be done in the next coming five days.
Today I had the first of my lab externals. It was made very easy for me by Allah. There was some problem with one of the two programs, but after the lecturer checked the code, she found that the algorithm had no fault in it and she marked 'executed' for it. Viva too was easy. Alhamdulillah. I have two more tests to go. InshAllah I will do them well too.
Today after coming from the college I spent some good time with the newspapers. I read some things that are specially made available in the news papers so that they sell. Those 'things' were interesting but more than half of it was crap. Not that I didn't read sensible things - I read about the military developments being undertaken by USA and Russia especially the deployment of missile interceptors by the United States in eastern Europe. There are some ideas of the continuation of the famous cold war. Russia says US is doing it because Russians are upgrading their defense systems. US says the interceptors are for the long range Iranian missiles. There is no proof that Iran is in possession of such long range weaponry.!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The best of His creations ...
Initially I had my reservations when I was told about the pictures taken on the farewell party. When I showed a little frustration none of my friends mailed them to me. I was hardly thinking about them until I saw a few in the college. Now I have more snaps than man other people in my class or elsewhere!
Some days back my brother's friend gave a hard-drive to me asking for the movies I have with me. Today I finally copied them all into it. I copied almost 20 Gb of data. It was irritating to see the system go slow when the copying process was on. I smiled when I thought even the slow speed of my computer can teach me something - patience here! It is working perfectly fine now. Alhamdulillah.
I have been receiving several queries from my cousins asking about the anonymous commenter on our family blog and the only answer I am giving them is that it would be immature to find any conclusions. I may not keep calm for long but presently I see light ahead of me and I am happy. I still have no grudges against that person. Priority works.
I showed all the farewell pictures to my brother. I told him a little about my friends. I showed him some videos. I really see no ideas inside me that would tell me what he might have thought after seeing them. There were things I wanted him to understand. Especially I emphasized extraordinarily on a few pictures and on a video. I am sure those who know me understand this. I asked my father to have a look at them; he was tired, said that he would see them later, then he slept.
In the afternoon two of my college friends came down to my house. We saw the movie 'What Women Want'. We didn't see the complete movie but just the enough part that would entertain us and clear the idea! The movie was nice. Interesting. But senseless.
I have my lab externals starting from Monday. I am a little too much apprehensive about one of the tests - Computer Networks. I guess I will have to spend some time with it tomorrow at least. I have never, or hardly, spent time on studying before the exams. this time it is imperative. I don't want to end up in an impasse.
I don't know how to put the thing I have in my mind now. At times they look foolish, some times very simple. And most of the time they look everything to me. Whenever I use the word 'life', somewhere in my heart I feel something silly or imbecile. I wish to fade my inanity with the light of the coming days. But the 'coming days' I long for never appear. They are blurred by their own light. Maybe I am unreasonable and desperate. I am loosgin my mind.
Some days back my brother's friend gave a hard-drive to me asking for the movies I have with me. Today I finally copied them all into it. I copied almost 20 Gb of data. It was irritating to see the system go slow when the copying process was on. I smiled when I thought even the slow speed of my computer can teach me something - patience here! It is working perfectly fine now. Alhamdulillah.
I have been receiving several queries from my cousins asking about the anonymous commenter on our family blog and the only answer I am giving them is that it would be immature to find any conclusions. I may not keep calm for long but presently I see light ahead of me and I am happy. I still have no grudges against that person. Priority works.
I showed all the farewell pictures to my brother. I told him a little about my friends. I showed him some videos. I really see no ideas inside me that would tell me what he might have thought after seeing them. There were things I wanted him to understand. Especially I emphasized extraordinarily on a few pictures and on a video. I am sure those who know me understand this. I asked my father to have a look at them; he was tired, said that he would see them later, then he slept.
In the afternoon two of my college friends came down to my house. We saw the movie 'What Women Want'. We didn't see the complete movie but just the enough part that would entertain us and clear the idea! The movie was nice. Interesting. But senseless.
I have my lab externals starting from Monday. I am a little too much apprehensive about one of the tests - Computer Networks. I guess I will have to spend some time with it tomorrow at least. I have never, or hardly, spent time on studying before the exams. this time it is imperative. I don't want to end up in an impasse.
I don't know how to put the thing I have in my mind now. At times they look foolish, some times very simple. And most of the time they look everything to me. Whenever I use the word 'life', somewhere in my heart I feel something silly or imbecile. I wish to fade my inanity with the light of the coming days. But the 'coming days' I long for never appear. They are blurred by their own light. Maybe I am unreasonable and desperate. I am loosgin my mind.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The reason is simple
On Saturday I finally got a chance to take our four-wheeler to the college. I had never imagined that I would get the permission for it form my parents so easily and also that I could drive pretty well in the traffic. I was a bit apprehensive myself so I had requested a friend to come to my house in the morning and be with me while I drive. He was kind and he helped me. I took it as an achievement. It had remained as a wish of mine to take the car to the college some day and Allah granted me that wish on Saturday.
In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.
Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.
There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.
Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.
I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.
I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.
There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.
I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...
I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.
I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.
A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.
I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.
I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.
I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.
There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.
Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.
In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.
Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.
There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.
Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.
I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.
I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.
There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.
I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...
I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.
I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.
A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.
I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.
I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.
I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.
There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.
Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
If I could let you know ...
The first word that I was going to write here impulsively without any thinking was 'hello'. Then sense came into me and said this is not a chat window where I say something and the other person sitting on the other side of the line replies. This is just a single-lane single-sided traffic!
Since yesterday afternoon I have been experiencing a slow internet connection speed and so today I wrote an e-mail to the customer service department of Sify. They (their executive) promptly replied and asked me to clear the history pages and the cache along with cookies and all temporary internet files. The reply then asked me to try the speed again and let them know if the problem still persists.
I laughed when I read the reply. I replied letting that person know what I am studying and also that I have been using a computer and internet for quiet long enough that I can do these simple things. But still not allowing my ego take over, I did what that person asked me for. As I expected, there was no correction in the speed. I wrote back stating all this and also that I am not naivete. I explained him how he must give a good reply and also correct the problem without letting me know how to do simple things on the computer.
I also told him that I do understand why he has to reply that way. There are many people out there who don't know simple things about the machine they work on. These kind of people also need to be told how to access the control panel. I told him I don't belong to that category. I also told him that I have liked the way Sify has served me till now and I hope that they will continue the good work. I liked the way they replied me in ours of my mailing.
In the evening I played a little football with my brother in the living room. The ball we used was made of plastic - the one kindergarten kids play with. We both played until it went under a divan and my brother didn't feel like going or putting his hands under it. I even talked to his friends today. My brother said they had been calling me 'Don bhai'. One of them was about to save my number on his phone with that same name but refrained when I jokingly asked him why he called me with that. We had some good laughs.
Today I finally finished watching the movie 'National Treasure'. I had been seeing it in parts. I have developed a sort of aversion towards watching movies at home in a single go. I prefer having them in parts giving me enough time to have the right mood!
Yesterday and today my mother had holidays and she was home. It was nice being with her around me. Her presence is cooling for my eyes. Just that I have to listen to so much she always has to say. As I kept reading a book today I understood how well my mother knows about money. I have written about it yesterday on the blog. I furthered my knowledge today about her even more. I am proud of her.
Since yesterday afternoon I have been experiencing a slow internet connection speed and so today I wrote an e-mail to the customer service department of Sify. They (their executive) promptly replied and asked me to clear the history pages and the cache along with cookies and all temporary internet files. The reply then asked me to try the speed again and let them know if the problem still persists.
I laughed when I read the reply. I replied letting that person know what I am studying and also that I have been using a computer and internet for quiet long enough that I can do these simple things. But still not allowing my ego take over, I did what that person asked me for. As I expected, there was no correction in the speed. I wrote back stating all this and also that I am not naivete. I explained him how he must give a good reply and also correct the problem without letting me know how to do simple things on the computer.
I also told him that I do understand why he has to reply that way. There are many people out there who don't know simple things about the machine they work on. These kind of people also need to be told how to access the control panel. I told him I don't belong to that category. I also told him that I have liked the way Sify has served me till now and I hope that they will continue the good work. I liked the way they replied me in ours of my mailing.
In the evening I played a little football with my brother in the living room. The ball we used was made of plastic - the one kindergarten kids play with. We both played until it went under a divan and my brother didn't feel like going or putting his hands under it. I even talked to his friends today. My brother said they had been calling me 'Don bhai'. One of them was about to save my number on his phone with that same name but refrained when I jokingly asked him why he called me with that. We had some good laughs.
Today I finally finished watching the movie 'National Treasure'. I had been seeing it in parts. I have developed a sort of aversion towards watching movies at home in a single go. I prefer having them in parts giving me enough time to have the right mood!
Yesterday and today my mother had holidays and she was home. It was nice being with her around me. Her presence is cooling for my eyes. Just that I have to listen to so much she always has to say. As I kept reading a book today I understood how well my mother knows about money. I have written about it yesterday on the blog. I furthered my knowledge today about her even more. I am proud of her.
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