On Saturday I finally got a chance to take our four-wheeler to the college. I had never imagined that I would get the permission for it form my parents so easily and also that I could drive pretty well in the traffic. I was a bit apprehensive myself so I had requested a friend to come to my house in the morning and be with me while I drive. He was kind and he helped me. I took it as an achievement. It had remained as a wish of mine to take the car to the college some day and Allah granted me that wish on Saturday.
In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.
Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.
There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.
Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.
I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.
I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.
There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.
I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...
I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.
I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.
A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.
I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.
I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.
I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.
There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.
Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.
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