I was at the Osmania University today and by the time I reached my grandparents' house at 5:30 pm, I could count every bone in my feet and legs that was aching. I finally reached home at 8:30 pm and was better by that time except for some mood swing sort of thing irritating me. (I don't seem to understand that I am being a fool - may be I need some different kind of dose.)

I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.

And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.

First ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it

I finally was successful in controling myself from sleeping after coming home. I kept my eyes on the computer screen downloading some e-books. I downloaded so many of them and I wish I could read all of them but unfortunately I get a head ache whenever I try to read from the screen for anything more than 15 minutes. I somehow find it easier to write than to read!

Today in the afternoon my friends and I had decided that we would go out for a movie bunking the Manegerial Economics. We went upto the parking lot and decided to go back to the class. I think we did follow - a man is all about control and discipline :D lolz

Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. The chiefest being the submission of the application for re-evaluation of a subject of my previous semister. I was expecting more than 90% marks in that subject.

I will also read "Personality Plus" in the next 2 days. I have done the personality analysis and also have taken the help of 2 frriends of mine. One of them just got me wondering if he really believes in a premise I had referred in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions - Geometry of Emotions. The other friend's opinions gave me stats similar to those I had got from a self-evaluation. So, I guess I was right in projecting things about myself! I also wanted my father to do a similarr thing for me but he has asked me to wait. His input will defenitely be of real worth because he has been seeing me since my birth. But he has no idea about me and my psychology outside home - my friends surely do know that. I thank them for the help - it was precious and it is going to hep me a lot. I hope I strictly follow what I am learning.

In the evening I read about B-Schools in a fortnightly magazine. Though I din't read the complete artice which was of quite a few pages, I was really in a state of a different desperateness with some sort of fire in my belly. I somehow need to forge myself into any of the top B-Schools. This is the first ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it. I have no other option. I pray to God to help me through. It is all His wish.

On June 27th I got an e-mail from wellwishe@yahoo.com -

"hi brother!why do u want to become vulnerable by being clearer than
mirrror .one should be like an ocean ,whose depth should be hidden....the
more u go into it the more adventures it should be."

Today when I tried to reply it, yahoo showed me a failure in delivering the mail. This was my reply -

Hi,

Who ever you are, thanx for writing.

Some weeks back I had written this in one of my posts -

"I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to
have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from
the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies
beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me
should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is
pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no
barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open
up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is
required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that
I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person
himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this."

I strictly adhere to what I had written - it was on May 16th.

So whatever clear about myself on my blogs is just the 10%!

I am always open for more.

Sorry for being late with the reply.

Regards,
Zubair

I was greeted at home by my brother today. He then shared with me the noodles he then prepared.

Later in the night, I wrote a short post on what I can learn from Zizou. I first spent some time reading all the news I could get relating to him and also some material on anger control. Though I didn't go into anger control in hwat I have written, I defenitely had that in my mind while writing this post. I call this a point of view and I am sure every one has an own thing. http://xubayr.blogspot.com

I had a pleasant day today and a similar evening.

No stagnations: Days are changing - was better today

I relish every feeling of the missing frowns on my forehead and I enjoy some feelings much more when they have no strings attached to them. It was the former today that filled the gaps with ibits of pleasantness. I didn't have any so called mood swings today evening. After coming home I didn't jump in my bed but kept myself awake to the screen of my computer. It was of help and maybe today I should find no problem with sleeping as soon as I get into bed. I had terrible night in hte last few days - it was taking hours for me to get to sleeping and I was taking no note of the time that was passing in the darkness.

I finally gave my first post for the blog started by my cousin to update all our relatives with the latest happenings in our family. http://timmapuris.blogspot.com/

Though I was fine today, I didn't speak much at home with anybody except for some comments on the news that was running when I was having my dinner. It is all fine when some things are way from my mind. It begins with some old memories, wishes to be precise, and the swings the heck of the mood thing. It gives me a kind of reminder to fallacies and a vague apprehension. But as a rule of law, I am supposed to be doing great and I am doing great.

Things are actually getting rough with the setting of the sun. I am begining to like sunshine more and the setting of night is crippling me. Though there is hardly any sunshine during the day time too, but the presense of people around me and lots of chit-chatting is making things brighter.

Yesterday night I was thinking deeply about loosing my material possessions. I thought what or how I will be feeling if I loose my wallet, the house's kepy, or the related kinds. I felt it will barely hit me. Though I may well regret the loss but it won't effect me much. Then I thought how I would be feeling if my beloves ones loose anything. This was definitely a little unexplicable and I could exact how it would make me feel. I surely have a lot to do here. I can't allow things that come to my mind to go undefined.

At the college I am trying my best to keep my eyesight as close to me as I can keep it. I am preferring more rationality but I hope I am not mistaken in anyway. One of my friends is now a days a constant teaser but I don't mind any of my friends doing that. I do not know if it is really effecting me or not - I don't want to know it. I feel myself as damn too sensitive already!

Every normal human is expected to think else he has no right to live

I did almost the same thing today as I did yesterday - slept after coming home. But the difference was that it was a disturbed sleep and I could continously feel my heart beating faster.

The day at the college was fine; should have been great actually considering that way I am supposed to be. Started with the first lab of the year and I was happy that I liked it. The fans started working today - thanx to my classmates.

Yesterday and even today - I do not understand what is happening. I wonder if I am a fool being this way. I know no matter how things are I always have the option to be happy but this time its not working. Perhaps I need more austerity but I was preferring calling all this as mood swings. I am tired of them too. I don't think it is the mood that is swinging but something else that is between the two minds I have. I am hardly able to look into the eyes of the people I am talking to.

Today I got an ink bottle - I want to relive the art of calligraphy I had learnt 7 years back. It was taught to me by my sister and ever since then I am stagnating myself. Though I have done some practice sometimes but I didn't learn anything more that what I had previously. I think I will get something on the internet that will teach me some more scripts. I also have to update my other blogs - just not getting the right motivation. If I had somehting like a storage drive attached to my brain, I could have saved everything I think all through the day. I will produce volumes everyday!

I made a short visit to a fast food corner today with my friends. We had been going to that place for the past few months but this visit was after a long gap. We hope to visit that place frequently now!

I had started writing a letter few weeks back, so many times I have prompted myself to g that thing done but I already feel nostalgic whenever I sit in front of the computer screen.

Today hile I was out to get some snacks in the evening, while on the road, I felt something new inside me saying I need to work hard now - just for myself. I know I have felt these kind of short-lived persuations by my heart. I somehow need to get going smoothly now as I used to when I was in my first year of my engineering.

I watched the television today - it was necessary. I couldn't understand how easily people decide that it is alright to kill innocent humans. I was supposed to be moved my the scenes shown but it looked as if I am used to it and no spilling of human blood can purturb me. For once I thought "what has happened to me?". It was just the result of watching television all these years, it has made me indifferent to violence to some extent. I understand this is not good.

Every human who is normal but can't think has no right to live in this world. He has no right to be left alive especially when he has turned out to be a murderer. I do not care what religion these people belong to but all that I know is that they won't be getting any mercy from my Lord for whta they are doing. Sometimes I think twice before evening killing a mosquito that is biting me, and these damned heartless numbskulls kill human beings.

All is not fine with me today

I have no complaints, no regrets, no hidden lies - that is the biggest problem. I am not even able ask God for something because when I do that, I do it with half fear; the other half hoping that something very opposite of the prayer happens and that my prayer never comes true - there is no integrity in that 'wish' of mine - a wish to forget some past.

Tough times on the road ahead ... pulse rate higher now

Again there seems to be some problem with Blogger. I was not able to post anything today. I can’t even see the homepage getting started. I hope they do something about this. I am writing this post in MS – Word and try to post it using the software I have that helps me do it directly without requiring to open it’s website. If that doesn’t work then I will post it on msn spaces. The place where this is being read will speak what has happened.

I came home late in the evening from after visiting my relatives. Had a good time there but 2 of my cousins are not perfectly fine. It’s usually tough for children to adjust to a new weather after coming from another country.

I woke up after afternoon today and spent a few lousy hours after that. Then sat for a few hours in front of the computer, did nothing much except for a haircut in the evening just before leaving for outside.

My cousin brother who is doing his Medicine in Kyrgyzstan is here in India after a year. Had some online chats with him. It was really heartening to hear that he has scored 87% in his 2nd year there and that has given him the 7th rank in his university. May be will meet tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow is going to be the first day of my college after this long vacation. I am really looking forward for a good year ahead. This is a crucial period for me and I have no reason why I should be wasting any time now. I can definitely make some big talks but I will try some humility – I have a tough time ahead.

One of my friends was at home today. Had lengthy chats with him on several things. Actually I got another sheep today who could be fed with my preachy little talks. I told him several things about the books i have read, tried to find out what he thinks about me and also what interests him. We were together till 1:15 am. :D

Ealier today when I was with my grandfather I was watching him and my aunt arrange his monthly medicines. He has a whooping 18 tablets to eat every day. It was a tedious task organising all the medicines. My aunt did most of the work.

In the morning I had my breakfast when I was expected to hav my lunch. But Ihad many snackes early morning. I had my lunch very late and dinner at 11 pm with my friend. Dad forced us to that.

My cousin has come out with a new idea - now we both will be organising a blog that will hav all the news about our relatives. This thing really got me excited, though I haven't posted anything myself. I will do that shortly. I am sure this will definitely attract the eyes of all our relatives worldwide. http://timmapuris.blogspot.com/

I have one more day to go for my colleges start. I dont know why but all is not fine with me. I suppose I need to get out of some complex feelings and try to take things more subjectively.

Hidden truths give the smell of lies

I was trying to find out what had made me put that list of 5 topics on Flowing Emotions. I had done it out of a thought that putting myself under pressure would make me yield something. Yesterday when I wrote about dreams, I had a terrible head ache. I wanted to stop but I was under pressure from myself! Everybody says people sometimes do better when they are forced, if 'Dreams' was nice, then they are correct.

I may not write on the last topic on the list - 'My 19 Years'. I will someday write somehing else I have in my mind which will resemble what this name suggests. I will sure write on 'The Art of Confessing'. But presently I am confused with some points. I have read things on confessions which have prompted me to think moreon it but after that prompting started, I read few more things at someother place which has got me into a conflict. Not getting big on talk I would just like to say that I will write it when I feel I am fit to explain if it is really an art of foolishness.

Today I asked my dentist sister about the wisdom that is growing in my upper jaw on the left side. She said people usually get is in their 21-30 years of age. She even said some people get it a little earlier too - 2 years in my case.

I have been feeling this teeth coming out with my tongue for past several weeks. At first i was just a hard swelling in the corner. Then a sharp bony thing came out. I then realised that it was a real teeth. It grew for several weeks. It was just half of the actual size of any jaw. The 3 weeks back I felt another very small swelling just near the previous one. Now the other part of the same teeth is out and perhaps in a few more weeks to come I will have the complete thing when I feel for it with my tongue. I wonder why I am among those 'some people' who get wisdom teeth early - 2 years early in my case!

Today, after many days, I had all my 3 meals at correct stipulated times. My break fast was at 9:30 am, lunch at 3 pm and dinner at 10 pm. I had a chicken rool as lunch, I didn't feel like eating the same food I had in the morning. I eat only rice, I don't like what others eat - 'roti' - especially the one that is cooked at home.

Thinking about the things I don't eat, there is a huge list of that, my mother is always with her complains. I don't eat curds, I don't like milk and paneer, I hat cabbage and colliflower, I always insist I am never forced to eat brinjal. I eat all leafy vegetables, tomato, potato, ladies finger, and ... one or two things here and there whose names are unknown to me in english. I am a little conscious about the curries that have 'masala' in them - they have poppy seeds and they induce a little sleep. I like everything from restaurants :D ... of course not the things I have mentioned above.

Untill I had a good experience in my 8th standard, I never used to like having 'dal' in my plate. Then one day I went to an NCC (National Cadet Corps) camp. It was a 10 day camp and I came back home in 2 days! The food being served there was incompatible with my tongus and stomach. The rice was sticky with big grains and the 'dal' was a little thicker than water. There were some other vegetable too that didn't appel to my eyes and nose. I had meals there only twice in 2 days. My mother's colleague's son was with me, so my mother's colleague was there to meet her son. I was already falling ill (not exactly physically), I requested my sir who called my father and asked him if I can be allowed to leave. I was home in a couple of hours. I finally fell ill and was on bed for the next 6 days. There after I like the 'dal' that is cooked at home. I can eat all three times a day, 7 days a week without any complain.

When I was in a primary class (I don't remember which exactly), my mother once forced me to eat curds. The immidiate reaction was a womitting. I never dared to taste it again till date. I eat all dishes that have cooked curd in it but not anything that tastes like curd. My brother says I am 'typical', 'diffirent' and 'mad'. Sometimes I do like being called this way, but sometimes I wish I knew why he says that.

Yesterday night was terrible for me. After doing all that I do before sleeping, I finally lay down on my bed. The next hour I spent the most tensed momments of my life in last one year. I got a call from my grandmother. She said that my grandfather is not well - he wanted to go the bathroom, couldn't go, felt giddiness ... Till that time my mother was beside me and I handed the telephone set to her. She heard the complete thing getting terrified. I think she was about to cry. She called my other aunt who lives in the near-old-city area. Presently we don't have our car with us, my aunt who has come from abroad is using it. So, it was my aunt who had to come to take my grandfather to the hospital. The telephone rang again, tis time it was my other aunt who lives with my grandparents who was apeeking. She said "somehting has happened to father, please come here soon." My parents left immidiately. My mom was almost in tears. I kept waiting sitting with the telephone,spending tensed moments. When my aunt said "'something' has happened" she didn't realise what this 'something' precisely means. I waited for 15 minutes for my parents to reach there. Then I dialed my father's cell no.. I had my heart in my throat. I didn't want to call any landline no. for my mother to receive and tell me things in haste and fear. I thought my father was the best person to tell me what had happened. When I head his voice, the way he greeted me to the talk, I was with every relief Icould have had at that moment. His voice told me that nothing was as serious as it seemed. He then said that my grandfather had just found is blood pressure very low so he felt giddiness. Then my mother spoke telling me the same thing with a voice that sounded relaxed but still had fear in it. They were back hom after an hour. My other aunt arrived there and left within few minutes of knowing that everything was fine.

That 'something' was the actual evil. Whenever I write for my blogs or any letters I avoid using that word. Even if I use it I do it in such a way that the other sentenses around it define what exactly it means. It is the veil that corrupts tha mind not what lies behind it!!! So it better not to gess the hidden truths - every hidden truth gives the smell of lies.

(I have not reviewed what all I have written today so spelling and gramatical mistakes are expected, but no mistakes in ideas!)

Once in a while

Today I completed the writing of the 3rd article I had written on that list of five. This time really had to made my head ache as I didn' knew clearly what I must be writing. I have quite different way of looking at dreams - both kinds. I read mnay things on teh internet but nothing could help me with what I wanted. I took quite a few lines from some notes I had written long back from the book 'The Dream is Everything' by Peter Cox. But finally I am done and I feel fine about it.

I spent a lot of time on the internet today. Slept a lot too. I am still sufering from cold and the medicine I take gives me a lot of sleep. There was a lot of music too. I think I should reduce it but once in a while it so happens that I go for some extra number of songs! :D

Smell of the 'Pour Femme'

Presently my clothes smell of ladies' perfume. A few hours back my cousine drenched my back with some body sprays that were meant for girls. We had a great time playing around for a couple of hours. They were here for dinner and probably their first proper meeting with someboday since their arrival yesterday morning.

Today I was at my grandparents' house where I played cricket after a long time (at that place). It was good being back with old friends but I didn't appreciate their company today. Most of them have changed and I didn't like the change. I am sorry to say but I would never like to be called their friend.

My maternal aunt and grandmother, both hav been struck by that viral infection that has spread all through Hyderabad. I have taken the preventive medicines but it's only God who can protect me from anything and everything. After several months, actually after the whole summer, I saw mosquitoes at my house for the first time. I immediately had the machines switched on. But I have seen these mosquitoes have grown quite stubborn - they don't fly away when I shoo them, they wait for life threatening attacks on them. Probably they have been through some motivation lectures!

I finally got the book I was looking for - 'Personality Plus'. I will stop 'Emotional Intelligence' and start with this right away.

Today I got an e-mail from my aunt, who lives in Germany, in response to my yesterday's post on this blog. I thanked her for the kind. This is the text of the mail -

"

Dont be afraid to dream for out of such fragile things comes MIRACLES.

As a human being every person will have a big dream or big vision in their life .and we cannot say that people who are successful only have big vision and people who are deprived of comforts in their life have small vision because it always happen that people who dont have back support will only dream of making a decent living .take for example when you are hungry ........i mean hungry to the extent of starvation ,what is that you dream of ????having a continental dish in an exotic restaurant be cause it is your desire or anything which you can afford and easily available and now when you opt for an option no 2 ,it will be wrong to declare that you are scattered in making a decent living because that is the need of the hour and you can opt the first option only when that food is not a necessity.
I strongly postulate that one should have a big perspective in their life other way a wide vision .the pass key for our vision to turn in to reality is not just to dream ,forget your dream and wait for a chance to knock your door ,and later declare that your dream came true , rather it is to work on your vision and working on your vision is not an easy task when you are alien .the expedient requisitions what you require in this process are you should have a strong commitment toward ALLAHA what we call it as tawakal ,always being humble and hardwork .
A person of substance should try to draw inspiration from your own self .....that is your emotional energy .it will help you to enjoy every moment of your accomplishments .in future when we look back of how we traverse the scratch it will give you an immense joy of being a selfmade person who could make dreams turn in to reality and learnt things in life with experience encountered.
Any person can claim that he dreamt of something which he didnot remember and one fine day that dream came true but how that dream came true matters a lot becasuse life is not a fairy tale.

ADIEU:::::::::::::::::::"

I really value every person who teaches me something. It includes every friend of mine. It can be interesting to note that I find each of my friends having at least on thing I should learn from them - though I can't exact what that particular thing with the individuals. I find all my friends to be better than me and I am glad to have them with me. This applies to some of my realtives too. My aunt who has writtent his letter, my cousin sister who lives in Texas, my cousin sister who lives in Gulbarga, my Father, and many more of them.

One of my cousin sisters is getting married on 4th of August. I am looking forward for that day to come. The basic reason is that I will get to meet my sister from Gulbargah who would be here in Hyderabad!

Yesterday night, actually morning 12:50 am, I decided to to watch the soccer match between Germany and Italy. I watched the match till its 105th minute. I was sorry to find the match very dry and I slept. The next day, today, I came to know about 2 things - Italy won in the very final minutes scoring twice and, the team I was thinking as Germany turned out to be Italy. I had no idea about the colors of their jersey. Silly me!