Mixed feelings today

Just with the start of afternoon I began to feel restless. I knew why I was feeling that way and I also knew that nothing could be done then. I wanted to go out but everybody seems to be busy with themselves or others. I did hav some work at home, some cleaning, but I waited till I was back to normal. I the evening I was fine and smooth.

Later in the evening I got many e-books from a forum kind of website. I have all the books I wanted to have. Only that they are in electronic format and that makes them almost useless for me. I wish I had the patience and 'whatever we need' to read them from the computer screen.

The dinner again was from outside. I haven't eaten food that has been cooked at home since Saturday morning. And I like this happening.

10 days from today my mother will be leaving for a nearby district - Mahboobnagar. She has some inspection work to do there. She and her inspection teem will be verifying the working of the local Distric Co-operative Central Bank. She has to do the supervision and the other managers will do the work. This reminds me of her posting in Sangareddy that was a couple of years back. She will be there for 4 days and it will be me who will have to take care of the house. Not that I do not like doing it, just that I will miss her. God-willing everything will proceed fine.

Sometime back I started the editing of a post I had written a few days back. I removed a good chunk of it. It would have made me call myself imbecile. There is more to be done on it.

I am nearing the end of The Fountainhead. Actually crawling. No amount of suspense and drama has been able to grip me. Hope it is a good thing for me. Tomorrow I may have to be at my grandparents' house, so I guess I can complete it there.

Bad men are good teachers. Yet we can't be thankful to them.

I was wondering how much I can learn from people like George W Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler and others of the same kind. These people have been successful with whatever endevors they had planned for themselves; let their objectives be kept aside. We have heard about them but never tried to find the kind of persons they are. We have judged them based on the reports by media and words of mouths, but have never tried to find out the truth underlying.

Take for instance the 3 names I have mentioned: G W Bush - it is not an easy to keep the office for 2 terms in succession, becoming the President of Unied States itself is a task, may be he has been unreasonable with what he has done (or what he has been made to do) but as a person there must be commendable traits within him that have brought him to such a position; O B Laden - he was (or is?) a millionaire, may be an inheritor, has formed such a powerful statement called Al Qaida, he masterminded so many events, may be a bad man, but takes a lot to become whatever he is now; Hitler - how many of us do really know him? or about him? we call him bad because he was called bad by the US led coalition, it takes a gem of an orator to persuade a whole nation to make them believe that they have been destined to rule the world.

We can learn the good characters these people have possessed. Not only the so called good can have good in them. Every successful man (in his own terms) has been a marvel and so the reason for his success. It is again the desire and not the object. The desire is to learn, the object my be anything as long as it is rational.

In the evening my dad took us out for a long drive past Rajendranagar. Then we had some creamy stuff at a bakery. The day was spent half at a relative's house, the prior half at home. It was good. I had put up a few updates on News and Opinions and I am struggling with one for Gridlocked. It is a poem.

Yesterday night (actually morning), after posting the update on this space, I went ahead to write a post for Flowing Emotions. In my update I had written that I was in no mood to write a thing - what I have written later exceeded 1600 words. It is not complete yet - I still have to add some more points and make it a polished article. There is a lot to be done on it.

I met a friend today at my house. Two more who where expected didn't turn up.

Finally my internet connection has been restored to the regular one - unlimited. I flushed out 400 mb in last 4 days. It was less compared to my regular usage - daily it goes beyond 120 mb. I can resume that now. It is accounted mostly by the music downloads.

Huh!

Writing about when I woke and when I slept is really naive.

I was out today to a relative's house in the afternoon and came back after 7 pm. Later I did a few households and ... really nothing worthy of being written. Actually right now I am in no mood to write but I have made doing this a regular compulsion and I am now writing out of it.

Blogger.com was down again so I had to post yesterday's update today morning. Then I updated News and Opinions too. It is really easy to do that - just search for news which I didn't get in the news paper and put it ther with a pic and link it.

I am really trying to get into gear to write my next article but I guess I am not getting enough. I have to start it today before going to sleep. I can complete anytime later. But I must be careful of not letting it remain like that 'unfinished letter - an open one (again)'. ... lolz.

There are sometimes somenay thing I wnat to share in this space but I am tied to my feeling that I don't waste it here and put it in a more refined manner in some other blog. Mywork on Operation Desert Storm is still. The work is just about thinking what stance to take - give out the facts in a plain way, or make it interesting by adding things everybody likes to read - good or bad, or put it in such a way that nobody understands what I am trying to do. The last one will be easire - doing things even I may not understand. But that would be against objectivism. But one ting is for sure: my lazyness is troubling me. I am even tired of saying that I am lazy.

I think it is easire to write than to read. reading from the monitor is always a pain to me. Probably that is a reason why I don't go for editing once I have finished writing something. I ahve so many flaws. The biggest problem is that I am not aware of all of them.

Starlight seems brighter than sun!

There was a problem with Blogger.com. I was not able to post anything - not even comments on other blogs. Good heavens it working fine now. For once I felt I won't be able to update today. (This is an update for Thursday ... the time now is 1:13 am. I love the number 13!)

I don't remember the time it was when I slept yesterday. I woke up at 9:40 am. I kept awake beating sleep - reading, thinking, laughing at myself. Though I was online during the daytime I didn't get anybody to chat with. I found my uncle online. He was at his office in Dammam but still I had a voice chat with him through Skype. The clarity was superb.

I came online again late in the evening and was happy to find 2 of my friends online. Felt good after having a chat with them. I was feeling real lonely in the though my parents and my brother were at home. But I am doing great now. The time I am spending with yahoo messenger is reducing day after day. No one seems to come online when I am online. May be others are not fools like me to waste their time on the net. Am I a fool doing it? What do I do then? Sit in front of the television? Sleep?

Yesterday night after going to bed (this is when my brain works the best) I planned my next posting for Flowing Emotions. This is not there on the list ans it may be a type of reproach, insolently. I will try good enough to make it worse. It is always good to find newer ways of writing. But with maturity and precision. I feel it is all about controlling emotions.

My dad's 2 wheeler broke down when he was coming back home in the evening. It was somewhere on the city ring road. He called his friend and got another vehicle sent for him through some worker at his construction site. Even this one broke down, but it was near my house. It was a tiring day for my father. There seems to be a problem with the car's battery too. I guess he will buy a new one tomorrow.

I wasted this week. Didn't get much to do. I still have 2 more days to go and I plan to spend somet ime with my old friends on Saturday. One of them is leaving for US shortly and I am dying (not really!) to meet him.

The logic of all my dreams

Dreams are of 2 kinds - the ones that are seen when we are asleep and the ones seen consciously i.e., when we are awake. Thinking about the dreams we see while asleep is foolishness. Not thinking about the dreams we see when we are awake is a bigger foolishness. The logic of my dreams is rationality. One of the reasons I try sleeping less is to avoid any dreams. Dreams hurt, even when they are good. Sweet dreams hurt the most - they can never be true - they are sweet - they are silly - they make us feel sweet - they deceive us.

To be precise with my day, it had nothing in it. I could have finished off The Fountainhead today, but I didn't. I remember a few days back in this very place I had written that I will finish this novel in the next 4 days. I even said "I will do it". i din't. I failed. My own weak will. . . Today I woke up at 9:50 am. Slept for sumtine after noon. Spent a lot of time in front of the 17 inches. Every inch glaring at me in anger. I read a lot today. Got a few new ideas too.

Since a few days I am regularly praising my brother's mustache. He is growing and his mustache is getting thicker. I remember the day I had removed mine. I remember my brother had told me that he would never remove his. Now he is trying to turn away from his words. I have hidden both the electric trimmers and he is searching for them for the past one week. Dad said he will organize a party and remove his mustache on that day. I am getting excited and my brother irritated. I had removed mine on December 24th 2002. It was my cusin sister's engagement function and I wanted everybody to know about my new look. Nobody laughed at me except my brother. He is the only one who gives me least respect. I enjoy being that way. I want someone to let me know regularly that there are things called as disrespect and rudeness that I can face. Of course my brother is the only person who is with me at house on so many occasions when I am alone and he uses 'aap' for me. I address him the same way. Anyhting less than that is always a joke. Now a days I am avoiding those kind of jokes.

Do not think bad. Do not make others think bad.

So I finally started with the list on Flowing Emotions. I knew it was possible only because I have posted that list there. So that I write just because I have said it. Its a kind of force I put on myself and it works. I will have to adhere to the words I say (or write). This present post was about the people I tend to develop a dislike for right from the time I meet them. I hope not everybody is so opinionated and choosy like me.

I also started taking scrap for my article on Operation Desert Storm (the first Gulf War). It will take time. It requires me to read a lot of papers I have downloaded. I will put facts as the premise but my emphasis will be on what we can derive from these facts.

Today both my parents brought home lots of mangoes. None of them had the knowledge that the other was getting them home too. The refrigerator is full of manges and there is little space for other things. There is a lot of Mazaa too left. Tangy things everywhere now a days!

Today I finally decided to the watch the movie 'Sarkar'. I had the CDs since long and I wasn't getting enough courage (yes courage) and patience to sit in front of the television for long. I didn't watch the full movie. Not even the first CD is done. I will continue it tomorrow. I can't watch it on my computer as the DVD - ROM is still unhappy with me. I don't feel its necessity because of the USB drives.

I got a call from a call center today. This was just one of the many calls I get every few days. Long back I had registered at Monster.com and a few other job portals (I have reoved my CVs now though). Once I had an on-telephone interview too. I was asked to narate the story on any movie. I narated 'Hitch'. I was asked to come down for an interview. Today too it looked as though Mr. Harinath was testing me with my lingo. He asked me to drop in for an interview tomorrow. I am not going. I am no more interested in doing any jobs now. I will be joining any of the institutes that shall prepare me for CAT which I must attempt in the November or December of 2007. My parents are happy with this. My mom was always against me doing any job.

I can definitely got there just as an experience. But I am too proud to go there and fail. I won't do anything with half heartedness. If I don't fail then I can't beat the temptation money offers. One of the reason can be lazyness too!

Today I even updated News and Opinions. It has an important topic discussed. I got that as an e-mail from a friend and I thought it was a must-read. I can't forward it. I can flaunt it!

Today's title talks about two important things Mr. Gandhiji missed out while preaching virtues. He forgot to convey through his monkeys 2 things more important than the 3 he has delivered on. The two are: do not think bad, and do not make others think bad. I wonder how he would make his monkers say these 2.

Lesson Learnt by Being Deprived

Yesterday's midnight saw me left deprived of a statement that gives me the satisfaction I demand every day before going to bed. It was the last day of my internet connection's account and unlike every month it didn't get renewed by itself. For the first time after taking this connection I faced a problem of this kind and I was unhappy switching of my computer due to a problem. I had never seen any problem with the connection in the last 6 months. I telephoned the provider's office 4 times today and they finally restored it in the evening at 9 pm. And the package they have given me now, according to them, is temporary. It is some damned 'download limit' package but promises a higher speed. Glad to know its temporary - I don't want any limits on my usage, and my usage hasn't got anything to do with a vey high speed.

So I spent my time on The Fountainhead. I spent more than 3 hours on it but read less than 45 pages. There were so many instances that asked for rereading. I obeyed to these instances. But while being engrossed into this book, at one ocasion of time, I obstinately felt a sort of uneasyness for not being online. I didn't like myself feeling that. I kept it untill I felt good again after sometime. Felt good for not continuing with a senseless anger.

I had planned to write an article for News and Opinions but it required some study on a recent history and that was possible only through the web. And this was not available to me. I wanted to complete an unfinished letter. Didn't even do that - week commitment to it might have been the reason. Wanted to write on one of the topics I have listed on Flowing Emotions. Laziness prevented me from writing. Wanted to get ahead with a long pending exercise of writing on some people. But that required thinking and I was too week for that today. (This is the self-guided thinking I am refering to; it requires a lot of effort and gives me a lot of strength - all that is required here is motivation. I understand many other things implicitly. Some things come from nowhere - I mean, without any intention to find them.)

I will be writing on Operation Desertstorm on News and Opinions.

It's not the object, it's the desire

In the evening my parents and my brother were going out for some casual shopping and while getting ready my father put on a new after shave. It had a peculiar flavor of lime and it shocked me. It was something as though I had smelled this fragrance long back and it had left a powerful mark on me. I tried hard to recollect if there was something I remember connected with this fragrance, but I couldn’t. I thought about it for sometime and found nothing. I was amused. I will never use this aftershave for myself. I don’t want to confuse myself my smelling it again and again.

This happened while I was in the 501st page of The Fountainhead. I was struggling with a small sentence on the last line of that page. I read it 5-6 times and yet I was not able to get it. There were no new words - just simple vocabulary that was laughing at me. I have seen this happen before with much simpler ones and this time I was thinking about the aftershave more than the sentence. After reading it I found that I was missing a small word – ‘for’. I was so preoccupied with that smell that I was not seeing this little ‘for’. The sentence was – ‘That special sense of living I thought this marriage would destroy for me.’

The very next page made me silently thank my friends again for gifting me this book. The middle of the 502nd page had this –

‘I love you, Dominique. I love you so much that nothing can matter to me – not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love – not your answer. Not even your indifference. I have never taken much from the world. I haven’t wanted much. I’ve never really wanted anything. Not in the total, undivided way, not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum, ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and one can’t accept the ‘no’ without ceasing to exist. That’s what you are to me. But when one reaches that stage, it’s not the object that matters, it’s the desire. Not you, but I. The ability to desire like that. Nothing less is worth feeling or honoring. And I’ve never felt that before. Dominique, I’ve never known how to say ‘mine’ about anything. Not in the sense I say it about you. Mine. Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation? You said that. You understand. I can’t be afraid. I love you, Dominique – I love you – you’re letting me say it now – I love you.’

Long back in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions I had written “its relations that are more important than people”. I was confused after writing that. I didn’t know if what I had written was right or wrong. One of my friends said he didn’t agree with me. I had no answer to give. I thought about it a several times ever since then. I had never been confused so much with something I had written, myself. Then I read this today. I read it several times – just to feel the pleasure of being right, to enjoy a victory, to relish an answer I had been searching. This character in The Fountainhead, though has a few bad traits, is the second of the two in the story that are close to objectiveness, and are the heroic ones. They are probably the ones that have described the philosophies of Ayn Rand. I am in the 508th page now with almost 200 more pages to go. This is what I have perceived till now about this second person – Gail Wynand. The first of course is Howard Roark.

I am spending a heck lot of a time reading this novel. It is not heck I mean here. I mean the ruthlessness the word ‘heck’ describes. I have, at many instances, read a few paragraphs very fast – using a few techniques I had learnt sometime back – but it was just out of curiosity. The zeal to get deep into the book had made me come back and read the sentences slowly again – to feel them and to learn from them, to absorb them and cherish an understanding, and capturing every part of them. It’s making me happy and proud. I don’t know about this proud thing!

My day was good today and I have learnt a lot from it. I even learnt how car batteries are charged and repaired. I learnt how to be calm when I feel the throttling urge to shout back. I learnt how weak I am.

I arranged an old table for myself in a new place. It is front of a window now from where a lot of light comes in at all times of the day. I will do all my reading and writing work here from now on. It’s beside my computer so an added advantage. I will fix a tube light tomorrow on the wall behind my computer. The light from behind me, forming a glare on the monitor, is giving me a head ache.

Do they really don't think of their future?

I woke up to see light at 7:30 am today. I had slept at 2:30 am. So this was exactly they way I wanted to see it happen - me sleeping for not more than 5 hours. I later went to a friend's house and was there till 6:30 pm. It was truly a good time I spent there. I had my lunch at his house and we spoke for hours.

Another friend was with us too. When the talk of our future - what after engineering? - came up, both of them said they were still undecided on it. I know they have their own ways and life and in no way am I supposed to question them but is this the same way others too are? I mean how can they not have anything decided till now? Don't they have any ambitions or any dreams? Ok, even if they don't want to do anyting, they should at least know by themselves that they want nothing!

After having a great time with him, I came down to my grandparents' house and then finally back to home at 9 pm. I came online sometime back and I shall be here for the next 3 hours atleast.

An hour in front of television today

When I left for dinner today at 10 pm, I had all my messengers logged it and were simply set to 'away'. I wanted to be back in 15 mins. But I got carried away. I was watching a comedy with my father for an hour. It was good except for the fact that I am going to write much against this television shortly on one of my blogs.

Today I couldn't beat sleep. When I woke up early, I was happy with it. But soon I found that the thing I was fighting against took me in its arms. I was fighting sleep and I had to sleep again. Today I read around 50 pages of The Fountainhead and I plan to finish the book in the next 4 days. I will do it. I am reading for the first time by keeping the book on a table and sitting erect on a chair. This looks as though I have turned out into an obedient student religiously using his study table in the most proper method. It just looks that way. I am reading a novel.

Today I sat with my mother for sometime. I was reading and she was readnig the newspaper. But she was sitting beside me and she was happy with my calmness - lately she had been saying that I have anger on my nose. I was in deep concern about her complains and I decided to be calm even when she bewilders me. She always complains that I don't allow her to touch me the way my brother does. She says I am still a small child. She was treating me like a child today. Good.

I downloaded the latest version of MSN messenger today. I was expecting it very new. I was not pleased. Did I ever tell how much I use MSN messenger? Well, it is not much of use now but I had hardly used yahoo untill 2 years back. I have more than 25 contacts in MSN and they are in regular contact - all of them my relatives.

It rained a little here. It was less than what I was told about the rains in other parts of the city. I was lying in the living room when I heard something like the falling of water drops. When I saw outside it was raining (obviously - what can I expect then?). I was not expecting the rain with so much light outside. As was I correct - it didn't rain much.

Yesterday I went to bed at 2am. For the past few nights whenever I go to sleep I hope for only one thing that I get fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes and the necessary requirement had been met when I open them again. It looks like a waste of time sleeping. But when I wake up, I don't feel like waking up. May be it is because I am lacking some will power to get out of bed. I will learn it.

Nothing much here

I, along with a friend, had decided to go to another friend's house but we came to know that he is still out of station. I know nothing how this misunderstanding crop up but it was probably something between 'thursday' and 'tuesday'. So the plan was cancelled.

I woke up at 7:30 am after sleepig at 3 am. It was a short sleep so I compensated it by sleeping for an hour in the afternoon. I didn't want to sleep but I had to.

The rest was as usual except that I wrote a letter. An open one - again. It is not finished yet. I will do it tomorrow.