I can never thank Allah enough

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for instance.

— John Ruskin

I was wanting to write so much for today. I wanted write how good the people at RTA office were with me today and how being courteous in language and expressions works in our favor. I wanted to write how I felt when I came to know that being an educated person of 20 years would make no difference to me when it comes to having a passport for myself. Then I also wanted to know how I found a way to make things easier for me.

I was planning something for Flowing Emotions and had already made up my mind to make it into reality after dinner. In fact I had two things and I was happy that I would be writing something for that blog after so many days. I had so much of other material to flaunt and flirt with. But the power played a spoil sport. I had to spend more than 2 hours in darkness - almost 3 I guess. It was very disheartening.

But I asked my father if we could go out and have tea. We went out around 11:45 pm. The restaurant were we usually go was closed so we had to slide ourselves into a small hotel that appeared closed from outside. We had tea standing at the counter - there was no place to sit. I was expecting the power to be back when I came home. But it was disheartening again.

I left home today morning around 8:30 am after waking up at 7. After I reached the passport office, I realized how bad the Ministry of External Affairs in India was doing. I pity those people! I came to know that there is a counter for tokens that shows opens at 5:30 am in the morning and closes at 7. This counter had a tablet saying the timings as starting from 9:30 am. This was interesting. People there asked me to come at 5:30 am.

I had a friend with me and we were discussing that we have been living in Hyderabad for more than 20 years now, we have had schooling at the best schools in the city, we had a good college for our +2 studies and we are going to be engineers in a year from now and that too from a very good college. All this was immaterial here as we had to compete with people coming from rural areas who didn't even know how to fill the applications forms for the passport. I thought it to be unfair. I couldn't believe that there was no other way for people like me.

While I was saying all this, I had in my mind that I was showing some pride ans some sort of superiority complex. But I enjoyed the talk. Then my friend told me that something might be possible online and I noted down the URL that was made available there on some banners. I have tried it and I have an appointment for 16th. I need to be there at 3:15 pm with all the necessary papers and also a print of the form I had to fill online. I even have a file number now. This brought some relief. Now a days they are issuing passports within 35 days.

I was at the college at 10:50 pm. I waited for my friends for almost an hour. It was such a nice sight to see them when they appeared in front me. I simply can't imagine going away from them. They have become an integral of my life playing a role similar to the one being played by my parents and my brother. We spent some time studying for Design and Analysis of Algorithms and we spent the rest of the time enjoying. At 3:50 pm I was at the RTA office near my house.

I finally managed to get my father's newly-purchased two-wheeler's registration card and number. I had to request a few people there to help me and they were good. I couldn't believe they could be so fine. I felt nice knowing that there are ways to get good response even from people who are said to be very annoying and crude. I was polite with them and they responded the same way. I had my lunch after reaching home and slept. I had to do a lot of walking to reach home.

My brother is planning to buy a cell phone for himself. He had narrowed on Nokia 6600 but my parents said enough to clear the narrow area. They asked him to buy something more basic. He is more than four years younger to me and especially when I had taken a phone after coming to engineering third year, he is not supposed to have a phone right away. Somehow my parents have agreed and he is still confused with what he must do. There are chances that he will drop the plan but just sometime back he asked me if I could take him to some shop tomorrow. I agreed.

It really don't matter to me now

Around 2:30 pm yesterday I had a mango in my right hand and a knife in the left. I was about to use my hands on the two things when my father arrived home. He asked me to stop immediately and have the vegetable pulao he had brought. He got it from some restaurant named 'Raaga' on him way back home near Rajendranagar. It was nice.

I tried to sleep after that but could hardly bear the heat. My house being on 1st floor with no shadows around, makes up for super-heated rooms inside. The mattress kills. Even though I had hardly slept for an hour the previous night, I slept after 3 am yesterday. I woke up at 10 today.

Sunday night my friend had come to my house late evening and was here till almost 3 am. We studied half of the time and enjoyed the rest. Not that studying was not enjoyable, the other part was a little extra. Yesterday night too one of my friends was here for some time. I had even tried to watch television yesterday, but had to switch it off. Nothing could convince me.

Today at 10:25 am a friend came to my house. We went to PVR Cinema from there. He wanted to buy tickets for Superman 3. He had plans to watch it with his old school friend. Even I had a plan to watch that movie with my other friends, but not at PVR. He didn't get tickets there. We went to Sensation and came to know that there was no advance booking and tickets could be purchased just sometime before the show. We spent sometime at a friend's house, then came back here again.

Few more of my friends joined, we purchased the tickets, and left for Prasad's - to have something at McDonald's. The show was from 3:30 pm and reached home a little after 6. I won't say much about the movie. I watch them so that I could be with my friends and find some entertainment. I never get much into any movies - especially never into a movie with the idea of superheroes. These two days I had thought of several small things I could write on my blog. But now when I try to recollect them, nothing comes up!

I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself.

— Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

Do I look like something else?

Yesterday evening we had to attend a wedding function - my mother's cousin was getting married. Even while everybody was getting ready, I kept myself at the computer. I simply was reading something when I made up mind that I will stay home. I had no specific purpose for such a feeling - I wanted to stay home. When I told my parents, my mother started with a little scolding.

My father asked me a 'why?'. I said 'simply'. That was the only reason I had. I explained to my mother that there are times when we have to attend such functions and I really feel like attending them but we don't go because she or my father feel the otherwise. She as angry with me. But this was not all.

I was at the computer with my father and mother in the bedroom talking something. I could hardly hear them but I managed my mother's last sentence. She said to my father that she will never search for any girl for me to get married and I will have to do it myself. I was dumb-struck. I simply couldn't get why she had to say such a thing and in what way it was related to me not going to wedding party. But relating to a little past, I knew I had the answer.

My parents are sure that I am into some affair with some girl - most probably some friend. And yesterday they were thinking that I had to talk to that girl and so, I wanted to stay home. Though they never spoke to me on such a thing or never tried to find out anything - as far as I know - the trust my father has in me perhaps tells him that I will let him know whenever I find it appropriate. Only I know I have nothing of that sort that I may say.

I have spoken to my father several times on love-marriages. My mother keeps mentioning about me and my brother getting married and the related kinds of things. On last Saturday she was telling my aunt that she should have enough money to get me and my brother married. My aunt told my mother that she has sons and not daughters and her sons will take care of everything. But my mother said she will do what all she can do. I was sitting next to her behaving as if they are talking about some person I have never met.

Some days back I was thinking how nice it ca be if I could get rid of the internet connection I have with my computer. A couple of days back my mother said that I am not studying ans so there should be no such connection. I didn't say a word but like it happens every month, she gave me the required money I might be needing to clear the monthly bills. I hardly meant what she said. But I could see a mischievous kind of smile on her face expecting me to burst out. She was probably thinking that I would ask her to keep the connection so that I can chat with the girl I am having an affair with.

Please. I am not a part of any such thing. I am not in love with any girl and also I am not aware of any girl having such a thing for me. I can never even think of having any such relationship. I hate the concept of girlfriends. Allah save me. I don't know if I can explain my parents all this. I don;t even know if I really have to clear things with them. The best part is that, even after thinking that I am into something like that, they are not asking for any explanations, nor are they trying to stop me. Alhamdulillah.

Things have always been kept casual and open between me and my parents. I know there are things I had to hide from them but if I compare myself with other people I know, I know that I am more transparent. transparent in a way that makes my parents know about me - as much as I want them to know about me. But now a days, they are making thoughts of their own.

But I feel fine about this. It is not a bad problem to have. In fact I might reconsider terming it as a problem. But if my mother really means what she told my father yesterday, then I can see something bad for me. Now, again I do not know if that can be bad. I also feel like laughing aloud. But I don't know how exactly I must react. Thinking Allah is always the best thing. He has always kept things in my favor - in some way or the other.

Wednesday evening I left for my grandmother's place. My uncle and aunt had to go out to attend some party and my grandmother had to stay home. My mother asked me if I am willing to give my grandmother some company in the evening as she would be alone at home. I agreed. I had the option of coming home back after my uncle arrived, I chose to spend the night there. I spoke and listened to what all my grandmother had to say for a couple of hours - and I liked that. Then I spent the same number of hours talking to my uncle. The next day - yesterday - I went to my college to take a copy of my intermediate mark-sheet. Three of my friends came over and I had some good time with them.

On my way back home I had to check out at the local RTA office for the RC of the two-wheeler my father had bought some weeks back. I was asked to come at 4 pm. When I reached home my father told me that I was stinking. I knew I badly needed a bath but hearing that I was stinking was embarrassing. I took a shower, had my lunch and slept. The previous night, though I had gone to sleep early, I remember being awake till 2 am.

I am happiness!

I spent almost all of my evening smiling and laughing sitting in front of the computer. There wasn't much I did today except washing the car but I am happy. Alhamdulillah. I had grilled chicken in dinner and it was heavy. But I feel like eating something more now. I will have some biscuits before I go to sleep. I even had the first of mangoes today - first for me this summer.

Information is a strategic resource

Yesterday it was definitely 3 am by the time I finally hit the bed, and I woke up 5:01 am exactly. I remember that from the alarm in my phone. The fajar azaan too started exactly the same moment. I couldn't leave the bed immediately given that I am not used to sleeping so less. I lay there with half my body hanging down from the edge of the bed and resting on the floor which was unfortunately warm. If I were so conscious of my surroundings and milieu, it would have surely reminded me of the ruthless summer. I hardly slept in those two hours.

While I was writing my second theory external - Computer Graphics - there came a time when I had to search for a dry area on my hand kerchief. I was sweating hard. I could feel sweat accumulating near the hairy union of my eyebrows located just before the start of my bulky nose below the frowned forehead. I could feel it take a down hill from there rolling onto the oily skin of my nose and waiting at its tip to gain weight and fall down. I was always the victor in avoiding even a drop to fall off the tip onto the examination paper.

The last 20 minutes of my stay in the examination room were without the fan working. Not that I was sitting below the wind-machine but it was definitely circulating some air. The 20 minutes were terrible. The power had let us down. I was much into the questions working on them so that they could work with marks-machine. The examiner. I am confident she would give me my share. I managed a decent chunk of the pie - of 8 essay answers.

It was 2:45 pm when my father reached home and saw me staring at the computer screen. He had called my friend on my way back home and asked for me. I had not received his calls on my phone and my mother had already started to sing her fears till then. He didn't ask me about the time I had reached home. Only I knew he arrived 25 minutes after my arrival. When I came out of the college, my phone had five missed calls. I checked them belonging to my parents. I knew they would call again. My father had to call my friend because I showed my class by forgetting to bring my phone from silent mode to general.

Its 1:01 am now and I can still feel my taste buds tasting of 'khidchi - kheema' combination. I had more than a liter of water in the last one hour and I guess I will have more after writing this post. I have the fan throwing air on me and sweat on my forehead explaining that fan is not a solution. I have no more solutions at home. A better possible solution is to think of something else and not the solution.

When it comes to thinking, I am sure even this sweat will be amazed. The sweat wouldn't know that a few inches away from the place it is moving around is a bed of neural circuits that can obtain insane obsessions that can make the rest of the fulcrum forget about the sweat itself. Not just the sweat but all the flowers of the ocean. The ocean being the one of levers and machines and human beings. Save water. I am doing good.

All this time of my fingers groping on the keyboard for the right keys, the wires starting at the head-set points of my computer system were ending in the two ears with two small magnets surrounded by foam. I was wired to some Hindi music. After I lost my playlists and the much relished English songs, Hindi ones are the only tracks that are finding me interested in.

I am private now

It was 1:04 pm when I published the last post and it is 12:06 now (of Sunday). I had my dinner around 30 minutes back and I really don't know what I should write now. I also have in my mind that I don't have to think about who is reading my blogs - two of the most sensitive ones are private now. I sent open invitations to those of my friends and relatives I could think of. I know there are people beyond who read regularly and I do want them to read it. I don't know their ID. So, if anybody reading knows somebody who has to be invited, please let me know. I have no big reservations. But I do know who needs to be kept aways.

It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.

I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.

After a while... After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall

I am not bad. Please

Yesterday I reached home around 2:15 pm after writing the first of the five theory external examinations. I had a terrible head ache even when I was writing the exam and also after reaching home. I could also feel a lot of pain in my neck and also the cheek bones on my face. I tried sleeping but couldn't get the exact posture for my head that would help me relax. I got some sleep in the evening but that couldn't relieve me of any pain. I slept again after 2 am. The previous night I had slept for a little less than two hours.

Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.

Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.

Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.

Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.

I want to come to a point form where I can say "it really don't matter now"

Priorities invariably play a very imperative role in a person's life. If something bothers me would only let me know that it makes a difference to me and it is verily there on the ladder of priorities. It is a ladder because with time, people and maturity - inanity including - those 'priorities' keep moving up and down. The problem starts the day any one or more of them get stuck at on of the steps of that ladder. I refer to the things that refuse to change but should change. On top of the ladder one is supposed to have religion and parents so the top never attempts to differ. The rung just below that is the critical place that can make or break.

When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.

Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.

When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.

I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.

I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.

I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.

Teach me wrong from right...

Today I waited to see the sun set. I went to the house's terrace around 6:30 pm and my eyes incidentally fell on the orange sun rays streaking out of some clouds and moving up into the sky. The sun was nowhere to be seen with clouds hiding it completely. When I had a look at it from the other side of the terrace where the number of concrete structures was a little less, I found the orange ball glowing from behind the clouds.

I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.

I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.

I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.

I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.

A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!

From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.

In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.

I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.

I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.

My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.

Destruction is exciting

I thought I was not going to write for today. It is already 2:13 am and some hours back I was thinking of hitting the bed early. I didn't do anything much all this time but what I did was important - something I must have done a long time back. A search on google.com with my full name was supposed to give my blogs' links in the first 10 returns - it did till now. When google's web crawler comes across this the next time, it will make some changes to the indexing on my blogs.

I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.

I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.