This is my second posting for today. I won't stretch it for long. I can but tell that I do not know what I am going to write but the reason that prompted me to open the 'create post' page of my blogger.com account is that just a few minutes back I read my last post - yes I did it; I don't usually read what I write on this blog of mine - and I found many spelling and grammatical mistakes. I enjoyed reading it though!
I do some time read my own writing and wonder if it is really me who has written it. I am no mood for any self-praise. If being frank sounds foolish then I think I need to reattach my brain in my skull. I can't, sometimes, stop myself from writing a few things even when I know they say good about me. But when I see that I do write bad things too about myself, I feel that I must do a little good too!
While starting from home for my grandmother's house I was sure that I would go there and finish a book I was reading. There are hardly 35 pages left and I thought I can manage them within an hour. I was wrong. I didn't even open the book. I don't know why but whenever I see that bed in my grandmother's room, I can't think of staying awake. I did the same thing today - slept for more than an hour before the time for leaving for CL came.
I can never for the tea my grandmother prepares. She uses all milk and no water and pends a lot of time stirring it and boiling it. Perhaps instead of the word 'spend' I should have the word 'invest' there. It will make the meaning more accurate given the worth her hard work gives to the tea. It tastes awesome. We usually ask her not to strain herself with it. There is no talking to her on that.
At CL I had a class on geometry. The concepts discussed were interesting and I enjoyed them. But when the exercise sheet was given, I could hardly answer anything. Even my friend didn't do much - I mention this because his inability stopped me from feeling myself weak. The paper was tough. There was no discussion on it. It was already time to go. But I badly needed one. I ought to know the solution of all those questions. They were tough.
By the time I reached home it was almost 9:15 pm. I had a lot talk with my friend who is also a batch-mate of mine in the college. We are good friends now and what I spoke to him today was very important. Not for CAT or studies, but something else I can't mention here. It was important that I start a conversation on this with him. He can help me access some people who can simply make me fall and walk away stepping on me. Alhamdulillah this friend of mine listened and was positive that he can help me.
A little while ago I started an online chat with a close friend and he told me that he thinks I am crying now with tears rolling down my cheeks. He has read Gridlocked he says and he think I am depressed. How do I explain him that I am very much in control of myself? He can because he knows he has to think. I didn't reply when he said that. I just asked him to wait for sometime until I am done with the publishing of this post and he can read it's answer in it. I didn't mean to tell him that I was writing some answer or an explanation to how exactly I am doing now. I understand that my blog and my posts can talk enough on my mood and so will this particular post.
And yes, its a holiday to CL tomorrow. For 'holi'. I confirmed about today's class before leaving home in the afternoon. I called up my friend and asked him. He had already made a call to the office. It hardly mattered. I am ready to attend any number of classes any time of the week.
Two days back when I was checking out the visitors to my blogs, I found that one of them had searched in google.com with the keyword 'Adsophos 2k7'. When I opened that page, I found that the link to my blog topped the list and was above the official Adsophos website. No question if that made me happy of not.
A little more than three minutes back the same friend who told me that he thinks I am crying said "sometimes you are so irritating"! And I replied "ya I know". Then I continued "but according to your ego, you never get irritated". And before he said anything, I wrote more: "or am I joking?". Now what can I do when he asks questions that irritate me. I have friends to keep and all of them are very important to me.
He always keeps pressing on the idea of priorities. I can't let anybody know about my priorities but I am sure they get obvious from how I behave and what all I speak. It's not at all that we have a rude chats online, but I do like irritating him some times. Today I did just what he did to me - irritate. Funny? I never do it with anybody else. My talk with him and also the topics of these talks are always very different and more complicated than what and how I talk to others. But slowly I am finding more friends who can be with me at this level. I love people who talk this way! They are a reflection of me. I wonder how 'some people' are.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Every minute, very hour, every day ...
Yesterday I typed more than three paragraphs and while doing so I didn't know that I was not going to post them. I had saved the first one of them and the other two were lost when there was a power failure. This thing has been a mischief now a days with nothings keeping itself reliable - even me. I deleted the partially saved draft and didn't publish the rest of the post. I am here up again.
Yesterday my mother called my father Mr. Bean. And my father straight away asked me to write about it in my blog. He even wanted me to write the reason why my mother did so. I don't think I can. I am not doing comedy here. But still I would like to have a mention of it. I will perhaps avoid.
My brother keeps calling my father as black. He once told that father has teeth like those of sheep. He pushed him several. Once kicked him too. There are several such incidents and my father has asked me to write about them in my blog. I understand any person who doesn't know my father would not believe all this - that we enjoy recollecting these fallacies of my brother and create a lot of fun. Once in a year when my father talks to his elder brother in US, he tells him about all this and they make more fun out of it.
My father tells us that all the students of his school fear him and are afraid of him always. My brother and I laugh whenever he says that. It sounds unbelievable that they all fear him especially when my brother can be all that I have mentioned above. I can also make a point that what all I am writing here is a bit opposite to the word exaggeration. It is a perfect antithesis of exaggeration. I can pen thousands of words on my father's sense of humor. Even my uncle says that everybody at the school fears him. We all laugh again.
Yesterday along with my friends I went to a restaurant at City Center - Sahib Sindh Sultan. We had a lovely time. The restaurant and also the food was of fine quality but that because I was very hungry, I enjoyed things more. The major part of the bill was paid by one of my friends - of course - and the rest was shared by the others including me - of course! There were several reason that we went there - many - I wonder how many! Do I sound silly?
Being a Friday we had just the morning session and our lecturer for computer networks felt like having all the 200 minutes of it with him. He left us a little early. When the class started, it was too drowsy and I hardly listened to anything. But when the new topic was started, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying it - the topic was Network Security.
Today morning my father woke me up asked me to take him to some shop that would let us have some color printouts of very high quality. In the first place he asked me if we could do it at home. I said I would rather prefer a printer of superior quality and our printer is just good for regular printing and not photographs. He wanted to take copies of some jewelery in which his friend was interested. There were seven pictures and each of them costed us 40 bucks. They were taken on photo-paper.
We went to Mehdipatnam for this and I took home Idly and Wada for my breakfast. I had Wada for myself and my brother took the other thing. Now I am here in front of the computer trying to write something so that my blog finds itself updated. And I think I am done - almost. Today is a holiday here, the occasion being 'Holi'. I am still not sure if I have a class at CL today. The schedule says that tomorrow is. The schedule is prepared in Delhi and the celebrations for 'Holi' in north India are tomorrow. In south it is today.
Yesterday though I didn't write anything for this blog, I did find something interesting coming out of my mind and I posted in on Gridlocked. I wasn't sure if I must post it there but then I preferred not to think on it and I did it. All through the evening I was preparing myself to write something for Flowing Emotions. It's sad that I didn't do it.
Yesterday my mother called my father Mr. Bean. And my father straight away asked me to write about it in my blog. He even wanted me to write the reason why my mother did so. I don't think I can. I am not doing comedy here. But still I would like to have a mention of it. I will perhaps avoid.
My brother keeps calling my father as black. He once told that father has teeth like those of sheep. He pushed him several. Once kicked him too. There are several such incidents and my father has asked me to write about them in my blog. I understand any person who doesn't know my father would not believe all this - that we enjoy recollecting these fallacies of my brother and create a lot of fun. Once in a year when my father talks to his elder brother in US, he tells him about all this and they make more fun out of it.
My father tells us that all the students of his school fear him and are afraid of him always. My brother and I laugh whenever he says that. It sounds unbelievable that they all fear him especially when my brother can be all that I have mentioned above. I can also make a point that what all I am writing here is a bit opposite to the word exaggeration. It is a perfect antithesis of exaggeration. I can pen thousands of words on my father's sense of humor. Even my uncle says that everybody at the school fears him. We all laugh again.
Yesterday along with my friends I went to a restaurant at City Center - Sahib Sindh Sultan. We had a lovely time. The restaurant and also the food was of fine quality but that because I was very hungry, I enjoyed things more. The major part of the bill was paid by one of my friends - of course - and the rest was shared by the others including me - of course! There were several reason that we went there - many - I wonder how many! Do I sound silly?
Being a Friday we had just the morning session and our lecturer for computer networks felt like having all the 200 minutes of it with him. He left us a little early. When the class started, it was too drowsy and I hardly listened to anything. But when the new topic was started, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying it - the topic was Network Security.
Today morning my father woke me up asked me to take him to some shop that would let us have some color printouts of very high quality. In the first place he asked me if we could do it at home. I said I would rather prefer a printer of superior quality and our printer is just good for regular printing and not photographs. He wanted to take copies of some jewelery in which his friend was interested. There were seven pictures and each of them costed us 40 bucks. They were taken on photo-paper.
We went to Mehdipatnam for this and I took home Idly and Wada for my breakfast. I had Wada for myself and my brother took the other thing. Now I am here in front of the computer trying to write something so that my blog finds itself updated. And I think I am done - almost. Today is a holiday here, the occasion being 'Holi'. I am still not sure if I have a class at CL today. The schedule says that tomorrow is. The schedule is prepared in Delhi and the celebrations for 'Holi' in north India are tomorrow. In south it is today.
Yesterday though I didn't write anything for this blog, I did find something interesting coming out of my mind and I posted in on Gridlocked. I wasn't sure if I must post it there but then I preferred not to think on it and I did it. All through the evening I was preparing myself to write something for Flowing Emotions. It's sad that I didn't do it.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
All that finally matters is .... huh! I can't write that here.
It was already 8:30 pm when I left the college yesterday. I had three of my other friends with me and seven seniors. We spent some time after the closing ceremony of Adsophos in deciding where we can go and have something like a treat. After a lot of time pass we decided to go to Ohri's of road no. 12. One of my seniors gave the treat and we had a wonderful time. I never thought I would ever be spending so much time with my seniors and have so much fun.
For almost one week I have been spending time around them preparing for Adsophos and also organizing things with them. It all started when we first went out for the promotion of our festival to other colleges. Then it was the preparations of charts. It was decoration the next. Then it was the Adsophos itself where I spent most of the time at the help desk with few of my classmates. Finally it was the cosing ceremony where, for the first time in my college, I took to the stage of our famous Ghulam Ahmed Hall - one of our lecturers asked me to hand over a bouquet to the chief guest and I also stood up there with the certificates and prizes in my hands while they were being given to the winners; I had to give them one by one to one of our professors who was in turn giving them to the winners.And not to forget the time at Ohri's.
The last two days I spent with a sense of doing something. I understand that things would have still gone fine even without me and I was just a part of the whole system. But what was important for me was that I was a working art of it and I was working for myself and the event and not for any extra attendance or a certificate. I wouldn't mind if I don't get these two. I have already received what I had wanted - a chance to a part of something.
I have seen volunteers who were just volunteers sporting the badge and the t-shirt but were of little significance. They were just spending time with people who were working. Neither were they participating in any even nor were they contributing anything to the events or the organization. I am glad I was not one among them.
I was respected by my seniors. There were others who gave importance to me. Some lecturers gave me more preference. I felt best when a faculty member called me to write the certificates. I know it is nothing much. But I know it is something I liked. But the end of this post, I will explain why all of it was important to me. There were two reasons. I can't mention both of them. And of course it was a nice feeling sitting at the help desk registering the participants and also guiding them with their participation formalities.
For the first time I wore a t-shirt to the college. It was a one with Adsophos printed at the back. There were lot of people who commented and I liked it. The shirt was white in color. I wore a t-shirt even today. I was at my aunt's house in the night and I had to have my cousin's shirt. It was black in color.
I went to the college today just to submit my examination form. It was the last day today and for the last 4 days I have trying to find some time to have it submitted. Today I was expecting a huge crowd at the counter but it took less than 2 minutes for me. I was prepared to stand there for hours. But by the help of a kind friend I did it in hardly any time and I felt a little different - I have been used to stand in long queues; this wasn't a long queue; I took some time to digest that my work has been done!
Yesterday, along with a friend, I participated in wen designing contest. We qualified the first round and out of the 20 teams, we were among the 10 that were selected for the finals. We could manage the second position. We shared it with another team. I didn't reflect mush on this as I was already filled with many other feeling and experiences. I don't know if this is something substantial, but I am happy that I participated in something and I was amongst the winner. Thanks to my friend who was my partner in the team who made me participate. I would have never done a thing on my own.
All these days I was thinking that I was a fool and a lazy bug not submitting the examination form before time even when my bank receipt was ready a long back. It took me time to have my photographs ready. I agree I wasted some time but Allah helped me and made my decision to submit on the lest day as the wise one. I don't say that I had planned it this was or I knew that there wouldn't be many students on the last day, it was just Allah's wish that helped me do it so easily. He has always been extra kind towards me and I need not cut my hands to show how much I mean this!
Yesterday around 8:15 pm my cousin called me and asked me to come over to his house. Two of my other cousins were also there. After the time I spent at Ohri's, I directly went to his house. We slept at almost 5 am int he morning. We watched two movies - one of them just by having the important scenes seen. I had a little tough time with my parents in getting the permission to stay over night at my aunt's house. I found it perfectly reasonable to be there. The first two talks on the phone were a bit tense. Then the third time when my mother called, it was very sweet.
Today I spent a lot of time in the sleeping. In the afternoon a friend came over to my house and we had chickens roll at a nearby bakery. After he left, I was at my computer and just before sleeping I read some part of a book. I even wanted to read the newspapers today but didn't get the right mood for it. I was interested in knowing more about the budget that was presented yesterday by the finance minister.
Next academic year it will be we people who will be organizing the fests in the college - if at all anything is there. So, my basic purpose of liking the last few days was that I was learning. I saw my seniors and the way they were getting things done. I learned how to be like them and what all it takes to get an 'Adsophos' organized!
The second reason is something I would rather love to write on. but its pathetic that I am still the same person I was a couple f years back. A few days ago I wrote a little on this referring to one of my old posts on Flowing Emotions. I won't get much into that now. I am not writing the book of my life, presently!
Sometimes it is nice that I 'sit down and relax until some feelings go away'! When I started writing this post, I was wanting to write several things that would have brought a lot of emotions in it. I took a break for my dinner and I changed my mind. Things can go anyways sometimes and at time they go nowhere. I can be a little foolish too when I sit to write for this blog!
For almost one week I have been spending time around them preparing for Adsophos and also organizing things with them. It all started when we first went out for the promotion of our festival to other colleges. Then it was the preparations of charts. It was decoration the next. Then it was the Adsophos itself where I spent most of the time at the help desk with few of my classmates. Finally it was the cosing ceremony where, for the first time in my college, I took to the stage of our famous Ghulam Ahmed Hall - one of our lecturers asked me to hand over a bouquet to the chief guest and I also stood up there with the certificates and prizes in my hands while they were being given to the winners; I had to give them one by one to one of our professors who was in turn giving them to the winners.And not to forget the time at Ohri's.
The last two days I spent with a sense of doing something. I understand that things would have still gone fine even without me and I was just a part of the whole system. But what was important for me was that I was a working art of it and I was working for myself and the event and not for any extra attendance or a certificate. I wouldn't mind if I don't get these two. I have already received what I had wanted - a chance to a part of something.
I have seen volunteers who were just volunteers sporting the badge and the t-shirt but were of little significance. They were just spending time with people who were working. Neither were they participating in any even nor were they contributing anything to the events or the organization. I am glad I was not one among them.
I was respected by my seniors. There were others who gave importance to me. Some lecturers gave me more preference. I felt best when a faculty member called me to write the certificates. I know it is nothing much. But I know it is something I liked. But the end of this post, I will explain why all of it was important to me. There were two reasons. I can't mention both of them. And of course it was a nice feeling sitting at the help desk registering the participants and also guiding them with their participation formalities.
For the first time I wore a t-shirt to the college. It was a one with Adsophos printed at the back. There were lot of people who commented and I liked it. The shirt was white in color. I wore a t-shirt even today. I was at my aunt's house in the night and I had to have my cousin's shirt. It was black in color.
I went to the college today just to submit my examination form. It was the last day today and for the last 4 days I have trying to find some time to have it submitted. Today I was expecting a huge crowd at the counter but it took less than 2 minutes for me. I was prepared to stand there for hours. But by the help of a kind friend I did it in hardly any time and I felt a little different - I have been used to stand in long queues; this wasn't a long queue; I took some time to digest that my work has been done!
Yesterday, along with a friend, I participated in wen designing contest. We qualified the first round and out of the 20 teams, we were among the 10 that were selected for the finals. We could manage the second position. We shared it with another team. I didn't reflect mush on this as I was already filled with many other feeling and experiences. I don't know if this is something substantial, but I am happy that I participated in something and I was amongst the winner. Thanks to my friend who was my partner in the team who made me participate. I would have never done a thing on my own.
All these days I was thinking that I was a fool and a lazy bug not submitting the examination form before time even when my bank receipt was ready a long back. It took me time to have my photographs ready. I agree I wasted some time but Allah helped me and made my decision to submit on the lest day as the wise one. I don't say that I had planned it this was or I knew that there wouldn't be many students on the last day, it was just Allah's wish that helped me do it so easily. He has always been extra kind towards me and I need not cut my hands to show how much I mean this!
Yesterday around 8:15 pm my cousin called me and asked me to come over to his house. Two of my other cousins were also there. After the time I spent at Ohri's, I directly went to his house. We slept at almost 5 am int he morning. We watched two movies - one of them just by having the important scenes seen. I had a little tough time with my parents in getting the permission to stay over night at my aunt's house. I found it perfectly reasonable to be there. The first two talks on the phone were a bit tense. Then the third time when my mother called, it was very sweet.
Today I spent a lot of time in the sleeping. In the afternoon a friend came over to my house and we had chickens roll at a nearby bakery. After he left, I was at my computer and just before sleeping I read some part of a book. I even wanted to read the newspapers today but didn't get the right mood for it. I was interested in knowing more about the budget that was presented yesterday by the finance minister.
Next academic year it will be we people who will be organizing the fests in the college - if at all anything is there. So, my basic purpose of liking the last few days was that I was learning. I saw my seniors and the way they were getting things done. I learned how to be like them and what all it takes to get an 'Adsophos' organized!
The second reason is something I would rather love to write on. but its pathetic that I am still the same person I was a couple f years back. A few days ago I wrote a little on this referring to one of my old posts on Flowing Emotions. I won't get much into that now. I am not writing the book of my life, presently!
Sometimes it is nice that I 'sit down and relax until some feelings go away'! When I started writing this post, I was wanting to write several things that would have brought a lot of emotions in it. I took a break for my dinner and I changed my mind. Things can go anyways sometimes and at time they go nowhere. I can be a little foolish too when I sit to write for this blog!
Monday, February 26, 2007
So sweet, so beautiful ...
Today I was in the college till almost 7:30 pm. We were doing the decoration work for Adsophos which starts tomorrow. I am very tired now and my legs are aching like hell. Not literally though! I had my dinner around 40 minutes back and I will go to bed in sometime. Tomorrow I have to be in the college by 9:30 am at least. Now, I am not sure if I will make it by then.
Until Saturday I was in no mood to participate in any of the events. Though I kept hearing that so and so person is getting into so and so event, I hardly got any motivation to anything by myself. Then one of my friends persuaded me to contest in something and we both are participating in web designing contest as a team. We will be given content and the application software to work on, which will most probably be Web Page Maker, and we have to put in t mind to have the most appealing web designs.
Today I had to make a visit to my house in the after for a very embarrassing reason. It became necessary for me. Never did I think that I would have such a problem. Thanks to a friend who brought me home and took me back on his bike. JazakAllah Khairan.
Today I even sat at the registration counter some some time. It was a nice feeling being there. I frankly understand that it is in no way a big deal but it was for the first time that I made myself comfortable with a place like that and I enjoyed. I was sitting there with the same friend who brought me home. While we were our, two of my other friends took over.
Later in the evening when I was coming back home on one of my other friend's bike, it took us around 20 minutes to ride form Panjagutta to Masab Tank. There was too much traffic. And by the time I was home, I guess it was 8:40 pm. I am not sure, I didn't see the time then! I know nobody would be interested in that.
Today two of my cousins came to meet me in my college. It was really sweet of them to think of it and come. But they couldn't stop doing mischief here. As far as I know they didn't cause to 'damage' anything, but they could have. They will be in my college tomorrow again and I hope they won't bug me! I want to have some time with them tomorrow.
It's been long since I had a chat with two of my cousin sisters. My MSN messenger doesn't allow me to login saying a download of the latest version is necessary for me to login. I am in no mood to spend time in downloading it. Perchance I will do it my weekend. And now a days, the time at which I come online doesn't match with the times they come online. InshAllah I will talk to them soon.
Until Saturday I was in no mood to participate in any of the events. Though I kept hearing that so and so person is getting into so and so event, I hardly got any motivation to anything by myself. Then one of my friends persuaded me to contest in something and we both are participating in web designing contest as a team. We will be given content and the application software to work on, which will most probably be Web Page Maker, and we have to put in t mind to have the most appealing web designs.
Today I had to make a visit to my house in the after for a very embarrassing reason. It became necessary for me. Never did I think that I would have such a problem. Thanks to a friend who brought me home and took me back on his bike. JazakAllah Khairan.
Today I even sat at the registration counter some some time. It was a nice feeling being there. I frankly understand that it is in no way a big deal but it was for the first time that I made myself comfortable with a place like that and I enjoyed. I was sitting there with the same friend who brought me home. While we were our, two of my other friends took over.
Later in the evening when I was coming back home on one of my other friend's bike, it took us around 20 minutes to ride form Panjagutta to Masab Tank. There was too much traffic. And by the time I was home, I guess it was 8:40 pm. I am not sure, I didn't see the time then! I know nobody would be interested in that.
Today two of my cousins came to meet me in my college. It was really sweet of them to think of it and come. But they couldn't stop doing mischief here. As far as I know they didn't cause to 'damage' anything, but they could have. They will be in my college tomorrow again and I hope they won't bug me! I want to have some time with them tomorrow.
It's been long since I had a chat with two of my cousin sisters. My MSN messenger doesn't allow me to login saying a download of the latest version is necessary for me to login. I am in no mood to spend time in downloading it. Perchance I will do it my weekend. And now a days, the time at which I come online doesn't match with the times they come online. InshAllah I will talk to them soon.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The Luxury of Being Zubair
Perhaps it is better for me that I must not write when I am in a mood rather to feel than to think. But yesterday apart from this logic there was a thing else that didn't let me update my blog - I was uploading the pictures on the previous post. After writing that post, I forgot to upload them and I realized it only after switching off the computer. Yesterday when I uploaded them first, I didn't like the way I arranged them, they all seemed scrambled all over the text of the posting. I had to delete them and arrange again. It was 1:30 am already and so, I didn't take the pain to write after that. I slept at 3:30 am, but I was not at the computer.
Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.
Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.
It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.
Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.
Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.
Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.
And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.
When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html
Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.
Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.
It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.
Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.
Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.
Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.
And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.
When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html
Friday, February 23, 2007
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Today I fought my sleep in the evening and I am awake even now. I am real tired now but I am sure, like every other time, its just the motivation I lack to do anything. I have been wanting to write a post of Flowing Emotions but I just don't do it. Laziness.
We had just the morning session in the college and I attended not even a single of the two classes in it. I came late on purpose and was with seniors. I pasted a few charts and tried to do all what the bracket in which my name is written in, wants me to do - 'promotion and logistics'. I am a volunteer who is supposed to work for promotion of Adsophos and work for the logistics involved in the organization of the events and also the publicity. I am enjoying it but I wish I had a little more responsibility on me. There are just two things I am in charge of - changing the countdown numbering daily morning, and today I had to carry the stationary home to get it tomorrow! Aren't these ...? Huh! But I am learning quite a few things observing people around.
Tomorrow I will be purchasing the t-shirt we volunteers are supposed to wear on the two days of the festival. I have never worn a t-shirt before to the college and I may never will. Maybe sometime later in final year - just for what we can term as thanksgiving! But for the fest, I will wear a full-sleeved shirt and wear this thing on it.
My cousin was telling me that though I have written about my father's friend's house, I didn't write it the way I usually write things and the way the house must be described. I mention this also to say that he particularly told me the house was much more than what I had written about it! It definitely was. But I also had in mind that there are always things that are not believed until they are felt or seen. I can't write a thing and make people feel or see it unless they have their full trust in me. Anyways I am posting a few pics we have taken of that house. As I have already mentioned, the house is still under construction, the pics too will show the same. Pictures help people see things. But how about feelings? I can't cut my hand and picture it to put the stupidity on my blog!
Yesterday night my aunt and my elder cousin left for Gulbarga. When my cousin was leaving, I felt as if he is leaving the moment he arrived. But he had to - he is busy with his studies. He was here just to finalize his wedding which would be in 2008 inshAllah.
Another cousin brother of mine came along to pick them from my house to drop them at Imlibun Bus Station. They asked me and my younger cousin to come along with them. The but left around 12 midnight and we went to have ice creams at Moazzam Jahi Market, Shah Ice Creams. I didn't know that those people serve ice creams even so late in the night. We had to go inside the market to have them serve it. The shop from outside was closed. I had two flavors, 'cheeku, and 'anjeer'. I reached home at 1 am. My younger cousin is still here in Hyderabad and is residing at an aunt's house at Masab Tank. He is there thinking that he would disturb my brother who is busy with his exams. But he is wrong!
McDonalds; we entered it, felt that we should have something more spicy, and left for the 'Zaitoon' at Mehdipatnam where we had a grape flavored 'hukka'. We didn't eat anything atJust before starting from my house to drop my aunt to the station, I and my younger cousin arrived from a nice 'outing' with another cousin. We both had been to McDonalds, and Crosswords at City Center, a local 'kabaab' shop that served wonderful 'kabaabs', and a restaurant named 'kabaab' shop. We even went around 'e zone' but spent some good time at 'Crosswords'. The 'hukka' at 'Zaitoon' was the best of all the four I had till now. Eve Cafe Coffee Day couldn't match this. It was the first time for my cousin who is here from Gulbarga.
Earlier yesterday I attended all the classes in the college including the Networks Lab. The servers in the assigned lab was down, so our batch of around 16 students was split into two and was made to share some other labs. The time spent was no way productive. I did fine today!
The other pictures are of my father, brother, cousin and two of my niece and a nephew.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I have to carry myself wherever I go
Today morning at 5:15 am the door bell was ringing. I was sleeping in the living room and when I heard it, I felt that I was hearing it in some dream of mine. But I realized that it wasn't a dream. My aunt was already awake and I woke up to reach the balcony. I asked who it was and my elder cousin brother replied. I opened the door. He had just arrived from Gulbarga.
In the evening a few of my close aunts and uncle with my cousin went to finalize his marriage. the wedding will be after a year. There will be an engagement in some time. There was a lot of sound in my house today after a lot of time with my cousins' children playing and shouting. I was silently sitting in front of the computer. I was very tired and I was badly in need of sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 pm and woke up a little after 10 pm. I am surly going to crash out early. But I also want to spend some time with my cousins. I feel bad. I can't fight sleep much. I slept for hardly 4 hours yesterday.
Today I attended the morning session and in the afternoon I was with my seniors, classmates and friends preparing charts for Adsophos. I didn't make even a single chart completely but I saw many being completed in front of my eyes! I was int eh college till 5 pm. In the days to come, especially on Monday, I will be there till very late in the evening.
While we were all in the room busy with our work, a few of our seniors came inside the class. I didn't know they were our seniors. They started troubling me and stopping me from doing my work. My other seniors, who happen to be their classmates were out. They came in and somehow got these people away from me. I got back to work. But in a few minutes I heard some loud sounds. These seniors who were here to trouble us were fighting with a senior under whom we people work. I was afraid to do a thing. Though there was nothing physical, the words used by those hooligans were very vulgar. Alhamdulillah it got over soon.
I have been feeling very drowsy since evening. I wanted to be with all the people who were here at home today, I wanted to talk to my cousins, but something kept stopping me. I wish I could fight some mood out of me and behave normally. I have hardly kept myself productive these days and I am pretty unsatisfied with myself that I feel guilty.
I am not spending much time on the internet and not chatting much with my friends. I am not getting time for anything. Evening once I begin to have as much time I used to have until a few days back, I hope to get myself occupied with my preparations for CAT. It is high time that study for at least 15 hours a week. It is more than necessary for me to that if I want to clear all the cut offs in the test.
I can well say that I have a thousand things on my mind but it would be rather foolishness if I do so with nothing specific I have to define what they are. I sometimes feel I could run away from myself. But I can't do that. I have to carry myself wherever I go! And when I say 'I', it include many things and many people. If I present a confused picture now, it only means that I am easier to interpret when I write and difficult when I am quiet.
Right now my cousins and my brother are playing Playstation. Presently they are playing Crash Team Racing and until sometime they were engrossed in 'The Mummy'. I am not sure if this is the correct name of that game but it is based on that famous movie. Crash Team racing has been an all time favorite of mine.
This post takes the number of posts on this blog to 250. For all the things I wanted to write in today's post and for all the things I couldn't write today, there is just one thing I would like to say - nothing. I don't mind being called mad. I am used it by now. Everybody calls me that. What can I do?
Today I read some part of an old post on Flowing Emotions. I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I read some parts of it and couldn't believe that its me who has written it. Then I said to myself "I am like that". I am like that. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2006/11/guy-like-me.html
In the evening a few of my close aunts and uncle with my cousin went to finalize his marriage. the wedding will be after a year. There will be an engagement in some time. There was a lot of sound in my house today after a lot of time with my cousins' children playing and shouting. I was silently sitting in front of the computer. I was very tired and I was badly in need of sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 pm and woke up a little after 10 pm. I am surly going to crash out early. But I also want to spend some time with my cousins. I feel bad. I can't fight sleep much. I slept for hardly 4 hours yesterday.
Today I attended the morning session and in the afternoon I was with my seniors, classmates and friends preparing charts for Adsophos. I didn't make even a single chart completely but I saw many being completed in front of my eyes! I was int eh college till 5 pm. In the days to come, especially on Monday, I will be there till very late in the evening.
While we were all in the room busy with our work, a few of our seniors came inside the class. I didn't know they were our seniors. They started troubling me and stopping me from doing my work. My other seniors, who happen to be their classmates were out. They came in and somehow got these people away from me. I got back to work. But in a few minutes I heard some loud sounds. These seniors who were here to trouble us were fighting with a senior under whom we people work. I was afraid to do a thing. Though there was nothing physical, the words used by those hooligans were very vulgar. Alhamdulillah it got over soon.
I have been feeling very drowsy since evening. I wanted to be with all the people who were here at home today, I wanted to talk to my cousins, but something kept stopping me. I wish I could fight some mood out of me and behave normally. I have hardly kept myself productive these days and I am pretty unsatisfied with myself that I feel guilty.
I am not spending much time on the internet and not chatting much with my friends. I am not getting time for anything. Evening once I begin to have as much time I used to have until a few days back, I hope to get myself occupied with my preparations for CAT. It is high time that study for at least 15 hours a week. It is more than necessary for me to that if I want to clear all the cut offs in the test.
I can well say that I have a thousand things on my mind but it would be rather foolishness if I do so with nothing specific I have to define what they are. I sometimes feel I could run away from myself. But I can't do that. I have to carry myself wherever I go! And when I say 'I', it include many things and many people. If I present a confused picture now, it only means that I am easier to interpret when I write and difficult when I am quiet.
Right now my cousins and my brother are playing Playstation. Presently they are playing Crash Team Racing and until sometime they were engrossed in 'The Mummy'. I am not sure if this is the correct name of that game but it is based on that famous movie. Crash Team racing has been an all time favorite of mine.
This post takes the number of posts on this blog to 250. For all the things I wanted to write in today's post and for all the things I couldn't write today, there is just one thing I would like to say - nothing. I don't mind being called mad. I am used it by now. Everybody calls me that. What can I do?
Today I read some part of an old post on Flowing Emotions. I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I read some parts of it and couldn't believe that its me who has written it. Then I said to myself "I am like that". I am like that. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2006/11/guy-like-me.html
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