I breach my character today... pathetic

We were called inside the lab at 12:30 pm. When I looked at the names of the programs I had to execute, I knew Allah has been too kind with me. There were 2 of them - I had to create 2 waveforms on the CRO. It hardly took any time for me to finish the writing part on the answer script. We then left for the prayers. I came back and did nothing till 2:45 pm. I was waiting for the other 2 students to finish with their work on the CRO.

I got my turn. One of the programs my friends did was not done properly so he was waiting for me so that he can correct his program after I finish with mine. I typed the first program and tried to execute it. The waveform wasn't right. It was a shock to me. I made a few changes and tried again. No luck this time too. I called the sir. He made some changes to the CRO and said there was something wrong with the settings and that now it was fine. I tried my code again. It didn't work.

My friend who was sitting beside me was asking me to finish off my work at the earliest. We hardly had 30 more minutes left and he had to complete his programs. I was confused. I knew I could work on the code and get the required output. But I had to finish it early so that he gets through the exam. I opened the list of programs done previously by other students. I executed the already available 2 programs, showed it to the incharge, got the 'executed' attestation done on my answer scrit and left. My friend came out after sometime.

I came out and told my friends about how bad my viva was and how tensed I was when I had to wait for the CRO and do nothing. I told them that I had cheated.

The last time I did such a nasty thing was in the last semister. Before that it was when I was in my first year of engineering. Before that it was during my school days - 2nd standard. ... I had written the spelling of a word on my hand for a dictation test I was afraid of. Later when I told an aunt about this, she just said to me that it is dangerous to cheat this way as there is always a chance that hands may be checked. I never cheated after that. In no way. Untill I came to engineering.

I am the very person who always used to tell my friends about the importance of integrity. I had also written an article on that. I had always tried to be fair with everything I did. I had condemned every person who cheated. Even when that person was my friend. Just a few days back, during Ramazam, I had told all my friends that it is a sin to cheat. My parents have taught me that it is a grave sin to cheat. The Holy Quran forbids me from doing such a thing.

I don't know why I did it. Perhaps because my friend was waiting. But that does not give me the permission to do it. Integrity has no room for excuses. And, blatantly and foolishly I told about this to my friends and here, now, I am writing about what I had done today. What do I do? How do I repent? I don't even feel like crying with just some exceptions of a few tears in my eyes. I won't forget this all my life. I pray to Allah that I don't repeat such a coward deed.

It becomes all gloomy when we miss somebody

I did do some serious study for today's Operating Systems Lab External. I got what I deserved. It was fine even though I couldn't execute any of the 2 programs I was supposed to do. It was a partial execution. The lecturer incharge assured that I will get good marks if the written programs are correct. They are correct as far as I know. The viva a terrible. The person seemed to have a lot of knowledge of the subject and she wanted to show it to the students!

I thought of taking a short nap in the evening and as it was very disturbed, I had to pull it uptill 8:15 pm. I opened the Micro Processor Lab's file and I felt that I can do it prtetty easily. I am afraid of the viva again. I have to perfect myself with 4 programs and revise the others.

We are more than 30 ... wow!

I woke up late in the morning, it was almost 12. I spent almost the complete day on the internet. Just took a 2 hour 'nap' in the evening and some time off during dinner. I was a day wasted ... I had thought of studying but my laziness prevented me from doing it.

The weather today was splendid. Though the low temprature forced me to close the window in the living room, I still enjoyed the cool air. I wish I had gone to some outing today; probably to a place like Necklace road. I remember the last time when it was raining and I went there with my friends. That day we had played 'truth n dare' there!

On Monday my mother had some hearing of the enquiry that has been going on her relating to some involment of her deputy in a scam that could have happened! It more than a year now and the thing has not been solved. Yesterday my mother was just asked to give few things in writing. The enquiry officer is my mother's colleague and he knows thats its just a kind of formality that my mother has been dragged into this. Her deputy has already been suspended. Though everybody knows that my mother has nothing to do with the case, the official procedures require all this crap. Just because of this my mother can't leave the country. A few days back I saw my mother upset as she had decided to perform an 'Umrah' and she is not able to do it. She has been waiting for the no objection ceritifcate from her office and they don't give him because she has not been proved innocent till now. This is what our government rules are upto - the criminals never face anything and those who face are the ones who never do anything wrong!

A couple of days back another cousin of mine took an admission in a university in Kyrgyzstan. I already have a cousin brother studying there. My cousin sister (who has taken the admission) lives in United States. As its well know that the education there is too expensive and becoming a doctor especially takes many years of hard work and patience, she has decided to come here. Here, in this Central Asian country, she can comeplete her doctorate in 5 years. Her brother, back in Houston, has completed his pre-medicine and is precaring for the entrance that will get him a seat in a medical college. InshAllah he will make it through.

I, along with a cousin brother from Deccan College, will be the first engineer from the 30+ cousins form my father's side. The same is the case from my mother's side too! I have never met 2 from this 30+ group. They are my father's eldest brother's children and they live in France. In fact I have never met my uncle too!

(Shah Rukh Khan's Don) - (all it's songs) = Awesome movie!

I had been to watch the movie 'Don' today. Let me be frank first - I somehow felt that the role especially is better suited for some macho hero who could really look like a 'don'. But Shah Rukh Khan was superb here. His dressing, especially in the title song, was stunning. I went crazy after the suit he was wearing there. The climax was definitely better than the Don by Amitab Bachan. Here, don was don and it was proved that 'no one could catch him'. I never get into the story so much but this part was well thought. I didn't see the original movie completely but I know the story and many things about it. In a nut shell: I enjoyed the movie. Even the time spent with friends was worthy.

Today I went to the college. I reached around 12 noon. There was nothing really for me to do there. I had to give my friend his fine and thats it. It was all time pass. I would have done the same staying home actually so this was far better. InshAllah tomorrow I will study. I have to start from somewhere.

Lately I have been thinking about my weight. I need to put on some mass. I don't know waht exactly to do; I don't know how to eat a lot like others do! My father asked me to go to a gym ... but ... I don't know ... it soetimes shattering my peace of mind. I need to do something.

And yes the movie again: I think the songs were foolish. It looked as if some music was being played and people were dancing. The song 'khaike paan benaras waala' was ... huh! I don't want to use any weired word. The cars were awesome, the locales were stunning, the work done with the camera was amazing. The music in general was good ... I didn't like the songs though. Of course I need to like a movie like this because I have always liked Sharukh Khan; right from when I saw the movie 'Darr'. I used to compare Sunny Doel and him since then. But it was a great relief to me when I found Sharukh Khan at the top. Though I am not a fan big enough to watch all his movies. I even don't believe in fanfare and things like that; but among all the actors, I like him the most. I don't like any actresses. In fact I hate them all. They all look alike.

Today I had a good discussion with a friend about why sometimes people like being bad (or being 'bad'!). I will write about it sometime very soon. Though they weren't any conclusions as such, the discussion was nice.

Poems and distances

Today I finally updated 2 of my blogs. The family blog (timmapuris.blogspot.com) and Gridlocked. I still did not write the article I was preparing for. I will do it soon inshAllah.

Today I spent a lot of time in front of the computer. I did a lot of cleaning work to. I removed many softwares I wasn't using and tried a few new things too. I made some changes with the anti virus I had; I installed a new one. Then I found that my internet service provider doesn't connect me when I have a pirated version of anti virus installed on my system. There was a problem with this. And for the last few days even the connection speed had slowed down. It is getting too irritating at times when I have to do something serious. So, I wrote a letter to customer care of Sify. The last 2 times I wrote to them, they addressed very well. I hope they respond in the same way even this time.

Today my aunt and uncle came to meet us. They had been to US to stay with my cousin sister. They were back at the start of Ramazan itself but we couldn't meet. They told us a lot about their experiences there. It was nice having some elder people come to our house.

Later in the evening my uncle (father's elder brother) and aunt came to meet us. We spoke on several things and like usual, I had some detailed talks with him. He told me how the distances between places is reduced when the motif and the reason to travel is something superior than the distance itself. We spoke about people who travel a lot to go to their places of work ... to make money ... the need... the necessity ... many things.

I had a heavy dinner of butter chicken and biryani.

Great day today :)

When I woke up in the morning, my mother said "I tried waking you up sometime back and you said that you were not going to the college today". I said that while I was asleep and even I was amazed to know I really said that. I started from home a little before 10:30 am and I was in the college before 11. I was glad not loosing much time in travelling.

I had to go to the college to give my friend some papers. But I came to know that my name hasbeen put into the list of studnets who have their attendance less than the required. These people are made to pay some amount as condonation fee. I was shocked to know that I have been included in them. I had to wait till I could actually see my attendance in individual subjects. While the mam incharge was dictating me the numbers, she was sure that some mistake has been committed and she calculated the percentage again. It was well above the required number.

Soemthing like this happened even in the first semister last year. I don't like having tensions of these kind where in I am put under pressure for something I haven't done. I never say things like 'why me?'. I sometimes even feel its nice that some things come to me and I solve them. At least others are spared of it. There are too many problems people have. Alhamdulillah I hardly have any. I create some for myself sometimes!

Then I spent a lot of time with 3 of my friends. We didn't do anything but just sitting and talking everything we could. I felt so nice. I had some serious things in my mind since yesterday evening and I felt great being with them today. As always they made me feel good and most importantly, they made me feel important. No doubt how much I need them (I have written this particular sentence in one of my posts long back; I mean it). And again I say that I feel myself as the most lucky human being on earth. Alhamdulillah. I love my friends and all those around me.

I was in the college till 3:30 pm I guess. After that, with a friend, I went to have some snacks in the same bakery I had been to yesterday. Later I met my grandparents and reached home finally to see that the wall clock in the living room has slowed down. Its 12:17 am in my system clock and the old-half-grandfather-clock is showing 9:35! This clock belongs to my father's grandfather. It was one with a pendulum - it must be atleast 50 years old. But my father removed the lower half of the antique and converted the clock into and automatic thing working on a bettery. I think the battery has weakend and I have some work tomorrow.

I had my dinner a little late today. But it was a little early than yesterday. Yesterday it was after 12 midnight. Today I thought of spending some time in front of the television while having the meal. But after scanning so many channels I found it useless. But I tuned into some movie on HBO and watched it. It was relating to some devils. I watched it to watch the action. I couldn't understand even a bit of the story.

One single block

I didn't update the blog for 3 continous days. Even today I was about to leave it starving. But ...

The day before Ied I was with my friend in the evning and even till late till late night we were together. I slept at 3 am. The next day I spent many hours just trying to sleep but there were continous disturbances. I hardly met any people during the day time andeven in the evning we couldn't meet all our relatives we usually do. My father had a Nikah to attend at a mosque so we couldn't find much time. I slept late again - did nothing but sat in front of the computer.

The next day, the 26th of October will never be forgotten by anybody at home; atleast my parents and me. The day passed with me staying at home with father and my brother going out with my mother. Late int he night I thought of talking with my parents about many thing: things I have been doing all these days, things I found them doing wrong and all the things I could say in that 1 hour 30 minutes. Still I missed out one most important thing. I wanted to say it, openly, blatantly but the moment I finished the last thing, I saw my father feeling sleepy. I let him go and even my mother left for bed. But I told my father that I am hiding something from him which I would definitely share. I told him that its nothing wrong and he need not worry. He said he is always there to listen to me.

The talk: I told them about my college life - things I do, people I spend time with, the kind of friendship I have with these poeple, a little about my studies, a lot about the religion in m and what all I want them to learn, the time I have spent in Ramzan with my freinds talking about Islam, why I prefer not watching television, why sometimes I make few things important for me even when they are very small and hardly make any difference. I also told them what they mean to me and how much I love them. I told them I wanted to tell them sorry for manythings but for some reason I could never do that - I didn't do it even yesterday.

I told my father about the things I didn't like in him. I did the same with my mother. They listened to me. They considered me their equal while we were talking. I told them that I am younger to them and they can stop me from talking if they feel I am getting too much. My father said he wants me to talk. He said he considers me his friend and he will always listen to what I have to say even if it is against him. In those minutes I told them what all I could. I felt great sharing things wiht them. I told them how much I need them and how much I will be needing them always. There are things I can't put here ... in short I almost got them to ... ... ok fine leave it. It was too much yesterday but still something was left out. But now I feel relaxed that even my parents know what my friends know about me. I have no guilt feeling inside me now - the one that was troubling me because I was hiding things from them.

The best times were when my father kept on saying that he trusts me and respects me.

Today morning I wanted to attend the class we had but couldn't because I was late - for some reason! Then I got all my lab records certified and relieved myself of another tension. I even got to know some of my marks and I was fine with them. Later in the evening I dropped in at a bakery with a friend and had some snacks. Few of my friends went to watch the movie 'Don' today. I didn't go.

Later in the evening I started preparing things for my next article. This will be for MJ Communique. I have done what all usually do before writing anything, I just have to frame things into a one single block called as an 'article'!!!