When I was on my way back home yesterday night, I was so tired that all I could think of was the jump into the bed as soon as reaching home. It was already 10:30 pm. My mother asked me to have some food but I didn't because I had already had 5 slices of pizza at pizza hut in the evening. I was feeling sleepy but I switched on the computer. By the time I slept it was more than 12 midnight.
From pizza hut my friend asked me to come with him for taraveeh at the place he prays. i hesitated but I took along. Here the translation of the Holy Qural was also being narrated and it was good to listen to it. Though I was very tired, was feeling sleepy and also had some cold, I managed to pray the whole part and and also listen to the translation. The biggest problem was the urdu words I was not able to understand. But I understand many things. Though they were tings I already knew, it was a recollection that is always necessary. Usually I think I know many things, which I really do - but with and without implementation - but listening to them makes me learn it better and implement it and not only that, but also teach it to others. I have read and have been told about many things but all I remember is the final implied rules; but knowing things in detail is also necessary - actually remembering them. Being told again and again makes me feel guilty when I break a rule. If I am not being told, even if I know something is worng, I may sin and yet not feel guilty. ... ah! I know I am messing with the grammar, I am feeling sleepy again!
There were several thing I had thought of writing but I will do it in the evening of tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
L E vation !!!
For the past few minutes I have been moving my fingers overthe keyboard without pressing a key. I was thinking what to write for today. Even now I don not know. ...
I did the afternoon test well ... but I will be missing out on 2 marks due to short of time. I tried to keep my hand writing nice all thorugh the paper and time was the price to be paid. I felt very bad for not being able to complete the paper and leaving the answer worth 2 marks. I was feeling bad. So I though of making myself feel more bad so that I don't think about this particular loos. I tried to remind myself of some other loss. Even that didn't work out well! I searched a little for someone but didn't find that person the way I wanted to... anyways I am fine now.
I did the afternoon test well ... but I will be missing out on 2 marks due to short of time. I tried to keep my hand writing nice all thorugh the paper and time was the price to be paid. I felt very bad for not being able to complete the paper and leaving the answer worth 2 marks. I was feeling bad. So I though of making myself feel more bad so that I don't think about this particular loos. I tried to remind myself of some other loss. Even that didn't work out well! I searched a little for someone but didn't find that person the way I wanted to... anyways I am fine now.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Do I have a reason?
When I was Mehdipatnam today on my way back home, there was a lot of traffic and I heard some people talking about some accident. I got the bus and it took some good amount of time to reach Tolichowki. When I got out of the bus, I found many people standing on the other side of the road. I reached home and came to know from my father that an accident really took place near my house. It was around 2 pm when a truck driver lost control over his vehicle. According to my father the brakes of the truck failed. It ran into the other vehicles on the road perhaps. The truck dragged with its failed brakes for around 200 meters and stopped. I am sure it must have been a terrible scene. To my father's knowledge, 5 people died.
I know nothing more of this but I am sure there is a lot more to it which I will come to know after my father returns home. He has gone out to get grocery.
Tolichowki has always been witnessing many accidents. Every few months something happens. This thing happened after some good time and it was the worst of them all. I remember the first accident I saw here. I 15 year old boy was crushed by a truck. It was on a Saturday evening. I remember I didn't sleep for 3 days. I still remember seeing the dead body lying on the roadside. Sine then I have see and heard of many. Even the one where the brain of a woman came out and her hands were ton out of her body. My Allah bless us all with a safe and a long life.
I don't know how I did my tests today. I studied many things for the afternoon one but the questions asked were not the ones I had studied well. I don't regret it. I read things; I didn't learn them. InshAllah I will start for tomorrow's in a short while.
Alhamdulillah even today we had the discussion on religion with one of my friends taking the charge - as usual. JazakAllah. I thought we won't be doing it with our tests on, but we did and it was good. It was better than wasting time after coming home. After I came home at 5:30 pm, I prayed and at 5:45 I went out to get the iftaar. I was so tired and my legs were aching; I still had to get it by myself. I still have some pain; even in my head. But I will start the preparation for tomorrow.
Today was the 17th of October, 2006. I am counting days - for many things. I like doing it. It makes me get serious and feel bad. I like it. And I like people see laughing when they come to know that I like these things. But ... everything has a reason.
I know nothing more of this but I am sure there is a lot more to it which I will come to know after my father returns home. He has gone out to get grocery.
Tolichowki has always been witnessing many accidents. Every few months something happens. This thing happened after some good time and it was the worst of them all. I remember the first accident I saw here. I 15 year old boy was crushed by a truck. It was on a Saturday evening. I remember I didn't sleep for 3 days. I still remember seeing the dead body lying on the roadside. Sine then I have see and heard of many. Even the one where the brain of a woman came out and her hands were ton out of her body. My Allah bless us all with a safe and a long life.
I don't know how I did my tests today. I studied many things for the afternoon one but the questions asked were not the ones I had studied well. I don't regret it. I read things; I didn't learn them. InshAllah I will start for tomorrow's in a short while.
Alhamdulillah even today we had the discussion on religion with one of my friends taking the charge - as usual. JazakAllah. I thought we won't be doing it with our tests on, but we did and it was good. It was better than wasting time after coming home. After I came home at 5:30 pm, I prayed and at 5:45 I went out to get the iftaar. I was so tired and my legs were aching; I still had to get it by myself. I still have some pain; even in my head. But I will start the preparation for tomorrow.
Today was the 17th of October, 2006. I am counting days - for many things. I like doing it. It makes me get serious and feel bad. I like it. And I like people see laughing when they come to know that I like these things. But ... everything has a reason.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Nothing ever happens ... and I wonder
Yesterday I had written that I feel as if its been long since I had a chat with anybody. Today my uncle called me up and asked me to come online. We had chat but it was on MSN and not on Yahoo! But that was the only chat I had. Today is the first day that I didn't get any mail in my gmail inbox. Since the day I have started using it from my home, its 10 months now, I have been getting mails every day - mails that are not spams, mails that have been sent by somebody. Today I got nothing. It happens ... sometimes. Since 2 days I didn't get a scrap on orkut too. It happens .. sometimes .. simply. But I don't know why it happens!
From tomorrow I have my 2nd internals starting. I studied for sometime but still have a lot more to do. Presently I have a terrible head ache and I feel sleepy. It has been a dull day today with all sorts of thoughts running in my mind. InshAllah I will study something before I go to sleep and also in the morning.
One of the 2 subjects for which I have tests tomorrow is interesting. I like to read the topics covered in the book. But things are limited to the interest and though I like reading it, I don't feeling like learning it. That's the biggest problem I have with my studies presently. I like the subjects, I like reading them, but I don't like studying them. I just have the eagerness to know how things work, but unfortunately I don't like to learn them. Somehow I need to manage.
For the last few days my post have been becoming too serious and emotional. I wish I could make a resolution of not mentioning anything serious here; a decision to stop writing about a few things. But this place is meant for me to relieve myself of all those things. It's like I sit in front of somebody and speak out everything and that person listens to me without questioning me back. And everybody likes that.
Friday evening I did go out for shopping. My father took us. I bought 3 shirts and 2 trousers. I took a lot of time selecting them and it is something normal for me. Whenever I go out for shopping, I don't like any of the clothes I see. It takes a lot of time before I find something that I feel would look best on me. It frustrates my parents, but they are used to it by now. In the coming month I have one more of such round to make. I have several things on my mind while choosing clothes. I don't see if what I select is nice. I try to imagine myself wearing it, and visualize how I look in that particular shirt or trouser. In short I buy clothes in which I look good. I don't care how the clothes look. But I maintain a certain standard and don't get tempted by clothes that may attract me but don't have quality.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
5% of brains are used. Hearts: even less than that!
Today is October 14th. Today, the same day, last year, I had shown the letter I had written on October 13th, 2005 to 2 of my friends. One of them called me late in the night and asked 'why did you do this?' The other one had said 'I was thinking you as an ordinary person'. 2 days later I shared the letter with another friend. The first 2 friends forwarded the letter to another friend. January 10th took the letter to the person because of whom it was written! Cool, I remember all the dates. The letter was discussed on 16th of February 2006!!!
So what? What did I gain from all this? Nothing? Everything? It still remains a mystery.
It has been said that humans hardly use 5% of their brains and Einstein used 10% of it. But some people don't use even that percentage of their heart. For reasons known to themselves - for reasons they don't want to talk about. They are numb, they don't care for others; they take things easily; they have decided that they will never think about it. They have decided not to use their heart. I wish I never had to care for it, but it makes a difference to me. Unfortunately!
Today I went to CL. I was among the 6 people present. I had my Iftaar at a hotel near by before going for the class. I had tea and osmania biscuit. This was the first time I sat in such kind of a hotel and at anything - alone. I did feel alone sitting there. Whenever I had been to such hotel, I had my father with me. He wasn't there with me today. 15 days back I sat in a bakery and has some spring rolls. I was alone even there but it was a bakery and not a road-side tea hotel.
I was left early so I reached home at 8:50 pm. My friend from my college too didn't come for the class so I came by bus. After coming home I prayed Ishaan and also the prayers I missed today. I hope Allah accepts them.
During the day time I slept a lot. I studied for some time too but it was nothing substantial. I woke up at 11 am after sleeping at 6:30 am after Fajar. I thought a lot about some things today. All useless and waste of time. But I am fine, I am not feeling bad - just unfortunate. I am not complaining it; I don't regret anything. I am thankful to Allah for what I am - even if what I am is not what I should be. I have my whole future ahead of me and I can do anything with it. I have nobody who would ask me. I have no responsibility. I can live my own life and live for that that matter to me. I will select the things that should matter to me. I will live for my parents and my dreams. I won't live for people who don't have anything for me. It's a different thing that I may not forget them.
I don't think I would be going to CL tomorrow. Already the ones present today were saying that they won't come.
I was thinking about when it was the last time that I had a chat with anybody on yahoo messenger. I think it was yesterday and then 3 days back. Yesterday it was with a friend and only for a few minutes. Now it seems as if several weeks have passed since I spoke to anybody. It happens sometimes - simply. Then things become fine - by themselves. There are days when all I do is chat.
So what? What did I gain from all this? Nothing? Everything? It still remains a mystery.
It has been said that humans hardly use 5% of their brains and Einstein used 10% of it. But some people don't use even that percentage of their heart. For reasons known to themselves - for reasons they don't want to talk about. They are numb, they don't care for others; they take things easily; they have decided that they will never think about it. They have decided not to use their heart. I wish I never had to care for it, but it makes a difference to me. Unfortunately!
Today I went to CL. I was among the 6 people present. I had my Iftaar at a hotel near by before going for the class. I had tea and osmania biscuit. This was the first time I sat in such kind of a hotel and at anything - alone. I did feel alone sitting there. Whenever I had been to such hotel, I had my father with me. He wasn't there with me today. 15 days back I sat in a bakery and has some spring rolls. I was alone even there but it was a bakery and not a road-side tea hotel.
I was left early so I reached home at 8:50 pm. My friend from my college too didn't come for the class so I came by bus. After coming home I prayed Ishaan and also the prayers I missed today. I hope Allah accepts them.
During the day time I slept a lot. I studied for some time too but it was nothing substantial. I woke up at 11 am after sleeping at 6:30 am after Fajar. I thought a lot about some things today. All useless and waste of time. But I am fine, I am not feeling bad - just unfortunate. I am not complaining it; I don't regret anything. I am thankful to Allah for what I am - even if what I am is not what I should be. I have my whole future ahead of me and I can do anything with it. I have nobody who would ask me. I have no responsibility. I can live my own life and live for that that matter to me. I will select the things that should matter to me. I will live for my parents and my dreams. I won't live for people who don't have anything for me. It's a different thing that I may not forget them.
I don't think I would be going to CL tomorrow. Already the ones present today were saying that they won't come.
I was thinking about when it was the last time that I had a chat with anybody on yahoo messenger. I think it was yesterday and then 3 days back. Yesterday it was with a friend and only for a few minutes. Now it seems as if several weeks have passed since I spoke to anybody. It happens sometimes - simply. Then things become fine - by themselves. There are days when all I do is chat.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Somethings never die; I try and I try!
Some time back my father prepared tea for us and it was one of the best he has made in the last few days. I remember a few days back it tasted horrible. This was very nice.
Today after coming home at 4:30 pm I crashed out into my bed. When I woke up there were hardly a few minutes left for the iftaar. Today my father has also promised to take us to Abids for my shopping. Everybody else at home are done with their own and its only me who is left. Last Sunday we had planned to go but my brother's ill health prevented us from getting out of the house. Even today he my not come with us when we go out - he has his test tomorrow at his college. But even I am not sure what my father finally decides!
Yesterday I couldn't update this blog. As long as I was online I didn't remember writing, and only after switching off the computer that I realized I had to write. It wasn't much late and I had enough time, but I didn't feel like. So the point is not that I couldn't write, the thing is I didn't write!
One of my friends didn't do his lab internal well. He was feeling very bad for it while returning home form college. He had studied quite a lot and he was heartbroken as he couldn't write the test well. He said he can take this in 2 ways - stop all studies and forget everything, or study much harder now. I hope he opts for the second way.
I have my theory internals starting from the coming Monday. I do not know what's going to happen this time. 2 days I have 2 exams - morning and afternoon. I think it would be better if I give force on one of the 2 everyday and score well in that. For the other one I need to manage with something - its making me feel tizzy. I am not able to study anything when I am fasting. Mornings are the only times I can expect something form myself and if I spend that time in sleeping then I need to forget any marks.
Then finally I have my theory externals from November 14th. Before that I will be having the practical ones. So, there is a good tight schedule in the coming days with even the final days of Ramazan arriving.
Today I felt a little bad for some coincidences. Some people appear more when I try to avoid them. And this reminds me of more and more things which I want to forget. I know this will continue till I finish my engineering.
Today is October 13th. Last year, the very day I had written soemthing which now I need to carry all through my life. I don't regret it; I am not sorry for myself. But if I have caused anything tp anybody, I am sorry for that. I am living with it!
Today after coming home at 4:30 pm I crashed out into my bed. When I woke up there were hardly a few minutes left for the iftaar. Today my father has also promised to take us to Abids for my shopping. Everybody else at home are done with their own and its only me who is left. Last Sunday we had planned to go but my brother's ill health prevented us from getting out of the house. Even today he my not come with us when we go out - he has his test tomorrow at his college. But even I am not sure what my father finally decides!
Yesterday I couldn't update this blog. As long as I was online I didn't remember writing, and only after switching off the computer that I realized I had to write. It wasn't much late and I had enough time, but I didn't feel like. So the point is not that I couldn't write, the thing is I didn't write!
One of my friends didn't do his lab internal well. He was feeling very bad for it while returning home form college. He had studied quite a lot and he was heartbroken as he couldn't write the test well. He said he can take this in 2 ways - stop all studies and forget everything, or study much harder now. I hope he opts for the second way.
I have my theory internals starting from the coming Monday. I do not know what's going to happen this time. 2 days I have 2 exams - morning and afternoon. I think it would be better if I give force on one of the 2 everyday and score well in that. For the other one I need to manage with something - its making me feel tizzy. I am not able to study anything when I am fasting. Mornings are the only times I can expect something form myself and if I spend that time in sleeping then I need to forget any marks.
Then finally I have my theory externals from November 14th. Before that I will be having the practical ones. So, there is a good tight schedule in the coming days with even the final days of Ramazan arriving.
Today I felt a little bad for some coincidences. Some people appear more when I try to avoid them. And this reminds me of more and more things which I want to forget. I know this will continue till I finish my engineering.
Today is October 13th. Last year, the very day I had written soemthing which now I need to carry all through my life. I don't regret it; I am not sorry for myself. But if I have caused anything tp anybody, I am sorry for that. I am living with it!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Hello!
Since Saturday my friends and I have started spending some time talking about religion in the college after college hours. Till now one of us has spoken (given that sermon kind of thing) but inshAllah others will follow. Its something very nice we are doing and I hope we al get to learn a lot from this. But till now not all of our friends could join. One of us is not well and isn't coming to the college. InshAllah he will be fine.
Now I feel perfectly fine except that in the mornings during Sehri I am not able to eat the way I was doing previously, before falling ill. Even in the evening I begin feel done with the eating with just a few things. The more I get desperate in increasing my weight, the more difficult it is getting for me to eat properly.
Now a days I don't seem to find any topis to write on. Even for this blog, I don't know what exactly to write. There are few things I am avoiding and they take all the weight away. Except the news paper and somethings form books here and there I am not able to read anyting due to less time. Even when I have time it is getting wasted in sleeping! And because I am not reading much, I am not thinking much and I am not able to write much.
A few days back I read at a place about how to get some new ideas while writing essays. it was for people who write essays and get stuck up in the middle of the paragraphs. The idea given was to open any pare of the dictionary and read some words - they fire imagination. But I found myself doing it already. So many times I open the dictionary for so many reasons. I open it when I feel bored, when I feel like reading and find nothing interesting, when I am writing and suddenly forget what to write. Sometimes I simply open it, get a few words, known and unknown, and frame some sentence using them. It always helps me ... wiht manythings.
So after reading this thing, I felt glad that I was already on the right track, even with nobody letting me know what the right path was. So many times with so manythings I have felt this way but as long as I am never made to feel that I am doing something wrong, I dont think I can ever call myself satisfied. I need to know that I am wrong with something. And sometimes when I am made to know that, I often dislike the way taken. And later I realise it ... that I was wrong and also that I was being a kind of cynic. So this itself is beyong explanation to me. I need to know that I am wrong when I am wrong, not after being wrong! ...
The above 2 paragraphs is what that happens when I reduce thinking and reading - I am not able to explain clearly what I am trying to!
Now I feel perfectly fine except that in the mornings during Sehri I am not able to eat the way I was doing previously, before falling ill. Even in the evening I begin feel done with the eating with just a few things. The more I get desperate in increasing my weight, the more difficult it is getting for me to eat properly.
Now a days I don't seem to find any topis to write on. Even for this blog, I don't know what exactly to write. There are few things I am avoiding and they take all the weight away. Except the news paper and somethings form books here and there I am not able to read anyting due to less time. Even when I have time it is getting wasted in sleeping! And because I am not reading much, I am not thinking much and I am not able to write much.
A few days back I read at a place about how to get some new ideas while writing essays. it was for people who write essays and get stuck up in the middle of the paragraphs. The idea given was to open any pare of the dictionary and read some words - they fire imagination. But I found myself doing it already. So many times I open the dictionary for so many reasons. I open it when I feel bored, when I feel like reading and find nothing interesting, when I am writing and suddenly forget what to write. Sometimes I simply open it, get a few words, known and unknown, and frame some sentence using them. It always helps me ... wiht manythings.
So after reading this thing, I felt glad that I was already on the right track, even with nobody letting me know what the right path was. So many times with so manythings I have felt this way but as long as I am never made to feel that I am doing something wrong, I dont think I can ever call myself satisfied. I need to know that I am wrong with something. And sometimes when I am made to know that, I often dislike the way taken. And later I realise it ... that I was wrong and also that I was being a kind of cynic. So this itself is beyong explanation to me. I need to know that I am wrong when I am wrong, not after being wrong! ...
The above 2 paragraphs is what that happens when I reduce thinking and reading - I am not able to explain clearly what I am trying to!
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