I knew I wouldn't

When I was typing in my previous post that I would write more in a few minutes, I knew that I was not going to do it. I was feeling tired and probably that was my laziness. Today I woke up early and one of my daily chores, the one to get milk from outside daily in th morning, was done by dad. Thanx to him I was just lying on my bed. I fnally got up when mom was leaving.

Yesterday, May 15th, was my paternal grandfather's death aniversary. I was a little more than 5 years when he expired. I don't remember much about him but I do have clear visuals still fresh in my mind about the way I used to narrate poems in front of him and he used to appreciate me. I have always learned from my dad that he was a man of principles - a very strict father. He was M.Ed. from Aligar University and a Headmaster in a government school.

I remember my telling me about my grabdfather's only experience of having tea at a hotel. He was told by one of his students that a restaurant near Charminar sells very nice tea so he took along and went there. It was amazing to know that he didn't like what he drank there. I used to think that a man (so disciplined) would hardly have any friends. But I was wrong. A few months back I came to know about a friend of his who still resides in Salarjung Colony. They were very good friends according to my aunt. And did I tell anybody that when I was born, we used to reside in Salarjung Colony - according to my dad I lived there for a little more than 8 months with my grandfather, and obviously I remember nothing about it. I do remeber the day when he expired. That was probably the only time when I saw my dad, outside our house, with is shirt not tucked in though he had his shoes on. I remember the vening when I was playing outside with a distant cousin of mine and I was scolded by someone and was asked not to make any noice; my ego was as small as my age and that did not effect my self-regard - I didn't feel bad for being scolded.

Coming now, when I try to recollect everything about my grandfather, I realise that ather than trying to find out about him, I sould be more busy doing something else. So, though I respect him a lot, I do not have much concen for what kind of a person he was; I am more concerned with what kind of a person his 5th son's eldest son is.

Then came my biggest blow of my life. May 10th 2004. It was 8:30 in the evening and I was watching television. I got a call from my uncle (my dad's cousine). He asked me for for dad but as he was not at home I gave him his cell number. 20 minutes later I got a call from my dad. I could hear him weaping. I can't forget that. I head my dad weaping and that itself brought tears in my eyes. He informed me that my aunt, his eldest sister, has expired. I couldn't believe it. In those days my mom had her mosting in Sangareddy. She came at 9 and I met her at the entrance itself and told her about this. She was shocked. Then my dad called her on her fone thinking that she hadn't reachd home. He asked us to come to my aunt's house. I hugged my dad when I met him there. I went inside. I saw my cousin brother, the eldest of all my cousin brothers, crying. I couldn't believe he was crying, he was supposed to be the bravest of all in our family. But his mother had expired and nothing else can be expected from him. I saw my aunt's ody there. She was lying on the very same bad where I remember sitting on her lap just a few years ago. I didn't cry.

I haven't cried about her death even till now. I just can't believe that she is gone. Whenever I go to my cousin's house, I can easily feel her presence there somewhere around. She is always there, she hasn't left us. In every party, in every function, I know she is there with us. But I know I am going to cry one day for her, and I know when that day is going to be. I am not out of that shock yet.

Anyways I guess this has just become a lengthy post. I will write again today evening or today night about today. Tomorrow my aunt, my mom's youngest sister is leaving for Mecca to live with her husband forever. I have been with her since the day I was born and I am surely going to miss her a lot. This will be the first time that I may possibly cry for a relative who is leaving abroad. Her departure will be tough for me to digest. It will take time. So today I have to go to her house to help her with some packing ... I wanted to leave in the afternoon but mom asked me to go there only in the eveing given the hot sun.

Yup ...

There are several things I wish to write for today but let me start with something for the person who has a question for me. I like being questioned for everything I do and as I have said this before, I take every responsibility of all the acts I commit.
 
So dear 'anonymous' -
 
"Let me start with thanking you for taking the pains to read my blogs. I know it is always an honest pain in the neck when you have to read something from a computer screen. And let me thank you again for commenting, not just once but twice (asking actually). I didn't expect you to come back for an answer, so thanx for doing that too.
 
I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this.


So I take the first step here. But wait … if you expect me to give you the direct answer, then I am sorry because that will account for something which may arrive after a couple of steps taken from your side. I would just say – I appreciate your understanding of what I have written in my blogs; I like the way you have asked me all that but I feel it is incomplete in a way that says I can’t be so blatant for a person I know nothing about. Or maybe I know you and am not aware of your presence here.

I prefer not getting along all this philosophy. I just want to ask you to introduce yourself to me and later you may know anything you want – I give you my word.”

More for today ….. I will pen it in some time …

This is for the 'anonymous' commenter ....

Please come back again after 12 midnight ... I have some answers for the questions you have asked. If you happen to have time, please take a while to read Gridlocked (http://xubayr2.blogspot.com). You can find more things in justification of the reason you ask me all those questions (see I don't even know who you are and I think of helping you). Believe me you will enjoy the poems there. They again revolve around the same 'thing'. Have a good time!

If hearts don't open up, you need to break them!

Can't believe today was a Sunday, I woke up early ... simply. But as usual I had my breakfast late. The morning tea was too heavy and the new book I have started reading is too absorbing. A year back I listened to some tapes - Becoming A Person of Influence, this book is an in-depth analysis of that by the same authors - Jim Dornan nad John C Maxwell. Then I read The Fountainhead for sometime. Dominique is really getting on to my nerves ... she doesn't even knows that the Enright house has been designed by Roark ... in the book till now.

Then I helped my mom with some husehold work ... our servant maid didn't come today, and my mom was very angry. I was afraid to talk to her today during the day time. But in the evening she was gettin too friendly. She was teasing me so much for so many things ... then she was using that old anying name for me - zubi maa. I get so irritated with that thing. But I like it too .. i donno y ... I hav 2 cuzn sisters who call me zuby. I really liked being called that way, but only by them.

Then I had my dinner at 10:30 which was brought from a restaurant nearby. It was too spicy.

Then came my friend's poem. He is getting to touchy now a days and I am worried about a few things. He doesn't knows how much he is confusing me putting me in a dilema.

And yes, the title ... I will write on that very soon ... Gridlocked will earn that.

A fine day

Saturday was simple and fine. Spent a lot of time play with my 2 cousins of ages 3 years and 6 years. I was just making them scream and enjoying the whole scene. Leter in the vening I went with my parents to have ice cream and had my dinner very late.

Today I finially completed the reading to 'Ignited Minds' by APJ Abdul Kalam. I think all this time I had a wrong impression of the personality Abdul Kalam is. He is a wonderful person and a very learned man and when he asks people to dream, he does it with reasoning and also shows us the way to do it. I am really impressed by his book. It was really inspiring.

Then I spent sometime thinking about all the friends I have in my life. I have done this before but this time it was a bit more comprehensive. I realised a few very beautiful facts and I am proud of each and every friend I have. Then later I had a chat with a friend and shared a few thoughts. I thank everybody for everything. I understand that words like 'thank your' and 'sorry' don't find any place in friendship but I can't live without using them ... it's just my way of life ... I mean every single time I use them.

This is for today ... I mean Friday :D

After updating for yesterday today morning my friend came to my house and we went to our college again. We just roamed around after the Friday prayers.

I felt a different kind of blankness when I was there in my college. It was like something missing. Not missing in the college or within me, but something that I used to have when I was there a month back. It was as if I was looking around without any purpose and I was looked at as a purposeless. I tried to be at every place which had somethning to do with my memories and now that they are gone, it was a feelingless vaccum that was making me feel empty. But ... it was nice .... and I am doing great ... really great.

I slept after I was back home and woke up only in the evening. Then I heard my dad talking on phone to some people about the advertisement of his school which is expected to appear in the urdu newspapers of the city for the next two days. I also came to know about the restrictions and rules the government 'inflicts' on the private schools just to show its presense.

There was somthing about yesterday I forgot to write in the previous update. Yesterday in the evening while I was pouring tea into the cups, the vessel in which I prepared it started slipping from between the cloth I use to hold hot vessels. I repulsively tried to hold it harder and it gave the vessel a jerk that made the hot tea spill in my hand. I just managed to keep the vessel back on the platform, and ran to the sink. When I turned the tap on, there wa warm water coming from it and that made my hand feet the burn even more. I thought I will now see a big rash or a puss filled wound. I poured some cold water on it and later I was happy to see that it had just given me a light red rash.

The burning sensation I felt was really painful and I remember the last time when I got my fingures burnt. Thta was way back in my school days, may be more that 8 years ago.

From this experience I learnt 3 things - always use the tongs to lift hot vessels, never get tensed when anything starts to slip, and remember that when you open the water tap in summer you can only get warm water. I hope I always remember these things.

Huh ... how did this happen?

Yesterday night 2:30 (actual morning) I realised that I hadn't updated The ME Daily. Though I didn't bother to wake up and do it right then, I was waiting for the sun to rise (or for me to wake up after a sleep) to complete it.

The day before yesterday I finally found myself completing the post for Flowing Emotions. My aunt. after reading it, said that there was something missing in it. I am still thinking what it is but I know there is one word which always appears in my blogs but tis time it wasn't there. And I am not sure if she was tlaking about that word.

Yesterday I went to my college with my friend and did nothing there but sat near the library for more than an hour just chatting. It was nice being there after 2 weaks. I plan to repeat these kind of days.

This was just a short update of yesterday and I will pen down the one for today in the night, just before I sleep.