#%&^@#

My cousin brother who lives in London came here to meet us today. He is here after a gap of almost 3 years and it was such a nice feeling to see him again. He will be leaving in the 1st week of August. We all are insisting that he gets married soon and I do not know what exactly he is going to decide. Everybody seems to be in a casual mood and he said he will get married along with me 'in the same "mandap"'. This is exactly how he said. He will go back to London and will start a business of his own - a college. I wish him good luck. He has alwyas been a close cousin to me and he was the first person who took me to an English movie in a theatre. It was 'Silence of the Lambs'. It was remade in Hindi as "Sangharsh".

Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .

I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.

Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.

'Senti-less-mental-more'!

Yesterday I didn't write anything much so I thought of updating early today.

Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.

We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!

Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!

I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.

I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.

I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!

I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.

I was at the Osmania University today and by the time I reached my grandparents' house at 5:30 pm, I could count every bone in my feet and legs that was aching. I finally reached home at 8:30 pm and was better by that time except for some mood swing sort of thing irritating me. (I don't seem to understand that I am being a fool - may be I need some different kind of dose.)

I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.

And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.

First ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it

I finally was successful in controling myself from sleeping after coming home. I kept my eyes on the computer screen downloading some e-books. I downloaded so many of them and I wish I could read all of them but unfortunately I get a head ache whenever I try to read from the screen for anything more than 15 minutes. I somehow find it easier to write than to read!

Today in the afternoon my friends and I had decided that we would go out for a movie bunking the Manegerial Economics. We went upto the parking lot and decided to go back to the class. I think we did follow - a man is all about control and discipline :D lolz

Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. The chiefest being the submission of the application for re-evaluation of a subject of my previous semister. I was expecting more than 90% marks in that subject.

I will also read "Personality Plus" in the next 2 days. I have done the personality analysis and also have taken the help of 2 frriends of mine. One of them just got me wondering if he really believes in a premise I had referred in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions - Geometry of Emotions. The other friend's opinions gave me stats similar to those I had got from a self-evaluation. So, I guess I was right in projecting things about myself! I also wanted my father to do a similarr thing for me but he has asked me to wait. His input will defenitely be of real worth because he has been seeing me since my birth. But he has no idea about me and my psychology outside home - my friends surely do know that. I thank them for the help - it was precious and it is going to hep me a lot. I hope I strictly follow what I am learning.

In the evening I read about B-Schools in a fortnightly magazine. Though I din't read the complete artice which was of quite a few pages, I was really in a state of a different desperateness with some sort of fire in my belly. I somehow need to forge myself into any of the top B-Schools. This is the first ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it. I have no other option. I pray to God to help me through. It is all His wish.

On June 27th I got an e-mail from wellwishe@yahoo.com -

"hi brother!why do u want to become vulnerable by being clearer than
mirrror .one should be like an ocean ,whose depth should be hidden....the
more u go into it the more adventures it should be."

Today when I tried to reply it, yahoo showed me a failure in delivering the mail. This was my reply -

Hi,

Who ever you are, thanx for writing.

Some weeks back I had written this in one of my posts -

"I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to
have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from
the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies
beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me
should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is
pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no
barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open
up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is
required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that
I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person
himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this."

I strictly adhere to what I had written - it was on May 16th.

So whatever clear about myself on my blogs is just the 10%!

I am always open for more.

Sorry for being late with the reply.

Regards,
Zubair

I was greeted at home by my brother today. He then shared with me the noodles he then prepared.

Later in the night, I wrote a short post on what I can learn from Zizou. I first spent some time reading all the news I could get relating to him and also some material on anger control. Though I didn't go into anger control in hwat I have written, I defenitely had that in my mind while writing this post. I call this a point of view and I am sure every one has an own thing. http://xubayr.blogspot.com

I had a pleasant day today and a similar evening.

No stagnations: Days are changing - was better today

I relish every feeling of the missing frowns on my forehead and I enjoy some feelings much more when they have no strings attached to them. It was the former today that filled the gaps with ibits of pleasantness. I didn't have any so called mood swings today evening. After coming home I didn't jump in my bed but kept myself awake to the screen of my computer. It was of help and maybe today I should find no problem with sleeping as soon as I get into bed. I had terrible night in hte last few days - it was taking hours for me to get to sleeping and I was taking no note of the time that was passing in the darkness.

I finally gave my first post for the blog started by my cousin to update all our relatives with the latest happenings in our family. http://timmapuris.blogspot.com/

Though I was fine today, I didn't speak much at home with anybody except for some comments on the news that was running when I was having my dinner. It is all fine when some things are way from my mind. It begins with some old memories, wishes to be precise, and the swings the heck of the mood thing. It gives me a kind of reminder to fallacies and a vague apprehension. But as a rule of law, I am supposed to be doing great and I am doing great.

Things are actually getting rough with the setting of the sun. I am begining to like sunshine more and the setting of night is crippling me. Though there is hardly any sunshine during the day time too, but the presense of people around me and lots of chit-chatting is making things brighter.

Yesterday night I was thinking deeply about loosing my material possessions. I thought what or how I will be feeling if I loose my wallet, the house's kepy, or the related kinds. I felt it will barely hit me. Though I may well regret the loss but it won't effect me much. Then I thought how I would be feeling if my beloves ones loose anything. This was definitely a little unexplicable and I could exact how it would make me feel. I surely have a lot to do here. I can't allow things that come to my mind to go undefined.

At the college I am trying my best to keep my eyesight as close to me as I can keep it. I am preferring more rationality but I hope I am not mistaken in anyway. One of my friends is now a days a constant teaser but I don't mind any of my friends doing that. I do not know if it is really effecting me or not - I don't want to know it. I feel myself as damn too sensitive already!

Every normal human is expected to think else he has no right to live

I did almost the same thing today as I did yesterday - slept after coming home. But the difference was that it was a disturbed sleep and I could continously feel my heart beating faster.

The day at the college was fine; should have been great actually considering that way I am supposed to be. Started with the first lab of the year and I was happy that I liked it. The fans started working today - thanx to my classmates.

Yesterday and even today - I do not understand what is happening. I wonder if I am a fool being this way. I know no matter how things are I always have the option to be happy but this time its not working. Perhaps I need more austerity but I was preferring calling all this as mood swings. I am tired of them too. I don't think it is the mood that is swinging but something else that is between the two minds I have. I am hardly able to look into the eyes of the people I am talking to.

Today I got an ink bottle - I want to relive the art of calligraphy I had learnt 7 years back. It was taught to me by my sister and ever since then I am stagnating myself. Though I have done some practice sometimes but I didn't learn anything more that what I had previously. I think I will get something on the internet that will teach me some more scripts. I also have to update my other blogs - just not getting the right motivation. If I had somehting like a storage drive attached to my brain, I could have saved everything I think all through the day. I will produce volumes everyday!

I made a short visit to a fast food corner today with my friends. We had been going to that place for the past few months but this visit was after a long gap. We hope to visit that place frequently now!

I had started writing a letter few weeks back, so many times I have prompted myself to g that thing done but I already feel nostalgic whenever I sit in front of the computer screen.

Today hile I was out to get some snacks in the evening, while on the road, I felt something new inside me saying I need to work hard now - just for myself. I know I have felt these kind of short-lived persuations by my heart. I somehow need to get going smoothly now as I used to when I was in my first year of my engineering.

I watched the television today - it was necessary. I couldn't understand how easily people decide that it is alright to kill innocent humans. I was supposed to be moved my the scenes shown but it looked as if I am used to it and no spilling of human blood can purturb me. For once I thought "what has happened to me?". It was just the result of watching television all these years, it has made me indifferent to violence to some extent. I understand this is not good.

Every human who is normal but can't think has no right to live in this world. He has no right to be left alive especially when he has turned out to be a murderer. I do not care what religion these people belong to but all that I know is that they won't be getting any mercy from my Lord for whta they are doing. Sometimes I think twice before evening killing a mosquito that is biting me, and these damned heartless numbskulls kill human beings.