Flower

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

- Errol Flynn 

I have nothing to write except for a craving to write. I woke up late today which is a lot like what I do when I have nothing planned for the mornings. I am yet to finish eating the bowl of cereal I started a while ago - perhaps it's more than 35 minutes since I started with it. Once I am done with three paragraphs, the urge to write and the bowl I will get a shower and spend some time with studying. Most of the studying part which I have done in the past few days has been limited to the class room. In yesterday's class we were asked to create models for Semantic Web using RDF/XML, N-TRIPLE and Statements - at least this is how I perceived this second lab assignment which we did in the class and got graded. A classmate helped me with some programming part but he added he doesn't know what it was about.

The only downside of my laptop which bothers me is its low battery life. It hardly goes on for an hour and a half. This class of Semantic Web on Mondays starts at 7 pm and stretches till 9:45 pm though the professor has been letting us go earlier than that. It gets painful trying to conserve battery life by reducing the screen's brightness and making the processor sleep everytime the use of the computer seems not so important. All auditoriums in the Engineering and Computer Science complex have seating arrangements with power sockets for each of the audience but classes don't have that facility. To make things worse this class of Semantic Web is held for more than 80 students. The professor is classy!

Handling money here is not as simple as how it was back in India. It takes some time every few days to check my statements online, pay bills, keep track of all payments and finally do the math to decide who is going to pay how much. Perhaps I can't compare this to things in India - back there it was my parents doing the accounts and me taking care only of my money which was relatively in small amounts. Here I am responsible for all money sent to me by my parents and voluntarily I have taken up the responsibility of all the bills' collections of my apartment. For this month inshAllah today evening I will have to spend around an hour to settle all accounts with my room mates. There is a bunch of bills filed in the closet all of them payed by me. I am yet to learn a lot about taxes and credit here.

And Then...

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' remarked Alice.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat, 'we're all mad here. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. 

'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

- Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Gone are the days when I used to start typing, go on for paragraphs after paragraphs and still have so much to share. Now, I need to be diplomatic, choose my words carefully and be sure of who might end up reading them. I always wanted to write for myself but that has hardly been the case. I end up having at least one person in my mind most of the times when I write. I would think words came natural to me. At least that isn't the case anymore. And no more do I ask anybody personally to read any of my blogs; apparently I even avoid talking about it. There are occasions I wish I could go back and delete some very old posts. But I need to stand up for them; not that I regret anything, I just don't like them.

It always gives me a feeling of being protected when I talk to my father's friend who lives here in Dallas. Alhamdulillah these days I get to meet and talk to him more frequently. Knowing that he is there for me gives warmth. I had met him for the first time a couple of years back at an uncle's place. He has been my father's and uncles' friend since their childhood. A year back when my father told him I was planning to study in America, he had asked me to meet him in Dallas. That day, I still remember, I wondered if I would really meet him or, I even thought, why he was telling me that. Today I know he is one of my closest people here and a person I look up to. He has been living in America for more than 31  years now.

Just around last year I had not even a bit of imagination of how things were going to be after a year. There were few things that mattered to me and I was worried about getting admits from good universities and a visa. I had not even imagined who I would be staying with, who all I would meet and spend my time with, who would become so dear to me and who would start making a difference to my life. I have made tens of friends here, got close to many distant relatives and made some of them a priority. It's been said we don't learn much unless we travel a lot. I just want this to be a start. I have many more people to meet, lots more to learn and a few things to forget.

Necessity

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.
- Leo Tolstoy

We got all white lights in our living room today. We had soft white since we replaced the lamps provided to us when we moved in. Today we went to two desi stores, to Super Target and twice to Wal-mart. We even went to drop some luggage to one of my roommate's new apartment inside the campus. He will leave us tomorrow and by the end of February another guy who's already my friend will join us. The guy who joined us recently is from Mumbai. My third roommate is Pakistani. We are all already like best friends. They are my friends first and then comes the fact about apartment sharing. Life seems to change everyday. I have always seen changes with my parents, brother and friends from Hyderabad. They ceased to be with me since the day I left them. I don't have them with me now.

We were five guys today for dinner. I wasn't cooking today - I don't know why I didn't cook; we never have turns for that; we cook when we feel like; we have a tendency to feel that daily; alhamdulillah. When the cooking started, I began online talk with my mother followed by my father and ending with my brother. Later I had two of my most beautiful friends with me online. I wished we could stay; I have physical constraints on me one of them being sleep. It's more than five months I reached here. For the last one month I have been trying to understand something very important. It's so good I gave words to some people. Understanding is hindered for I need to keep those words. It is good.

The curry for dinner today was dominated by pieces of chicken and potatoes with tomatoes giving a humble backdrop. A cup of Pepsi following it made my mouth sweet. There are obviously sweeter things I always thank Allah for nevertheless. I don't break my words beacuse I can't take any guilt. I have always been a good friend; at least tried to be. I am not even sure I can bear to see the otherwise of it happening. But of course I will be here not getting anything to see. It feels neat and soothing most of the time when I tell myself I will leave everything to Allah. But then days like today come and in an instance everything seems going so hazy again.

A Chronology In Randomness

You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.

- Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

Most of the cars in the lot are still fully sealed in a thick hard layer of ice. The leaves on the hedges shine when the bright sun looks at them but the crystal ice refuses to melt. Until a couple of hours back most of the leaves were frozen with coverings of solid ice on them. The harshness seemed to be reducing a bit then again the sun is about to set now. The present temperature is 4 degrees but it's going to fall back to freezing again in a couple of hours. It was around -9 degrees in the morning. University closed yesterday at 3 pm and will open only on Thursday now. There was some good freezing rain in the night and I hoped to see some snow. It didn't happened. It's just ice outside; no snow.

I had to recollect what all I missed since the last time I blogged. The difficult part was to decide what to stick here, what to delay and what to forget. Not much can be easily forgotten and there is not enough wisdom in me to guess what could end up being mistakes. All I have had always is hope; whether it's right or wrong. I have found wonderful friends in both my present room mates else my time here would have been bland and sore. Memories of back home still haunt me in form of dreams. When I wake up I am reminded where I am. It always takes a couple of seconds to get back to reality. I am yet to refuse I am glad I am here. I will never.

I thought my time at engineering went like a whisker. After almost two weeks a friend from Hyderabad called me only to remind me how beautiful my life is. She told me so much about her husband, so much about how happy she is alhamdulillah and how beautiful it is to be married. I remember telling her a bunch of things but all I remember now is I told her how I feel I never spent any time with any of my friends there. On the contrary there were weeks and months I was with them yet it all seems to be insignificantly small. I am not sad those days are over leaving me asking for more. I pray I get more in my time ahead inshAllah.

To come to think of it I recently realized a new dream. The bliss that seems all sinful got me to feel guilty about it - just because I felt that. I went half way to share it with a buddy but took a fast retreat. Some voices never fade, some faces don't stay, some people can't remain and love always denies them. It's the same thing over and over again asking for the same end. Back in the drawingroom in my home in Hyderabad there stands an antique showcase at least 80 years in age. It houses many more antiques inside it belonging to my maternal and paternal grandparents. But there's a sea shell my grandfather had given me some years ago which is not an antique. It has words engraved on it. They say "forget me not". I remember the last time I stood beside my grandfather's grave and could feel nothing but cried later after I reached home.

InshAllah now I will be able to visit the nearby Masjid frequently. It's in the city of Plano almost 7 miles from my apartment. Being independent here makes a lot of difference to social life and other possible activities. InshAllah I will also be attending conventions and other Islamic programs here in the coming days. I just can't thank Allah enough for making me free from public transport here. InshAllah in a day I will return the Accord I am using and get a Civic for myself. My parents are paying for it of course. I know someday inshAllah I will repay them for everything they do for me.

Canned

The excesses of love soon pass, but its insufficiencies torment us forever.  

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The moment I entered the second class of the day on Tuesday I could feel myself inferior. There were all these people who seemed to be there a lot before time, waiting seriously for the class as if it was going to be something like a very formal workshop or a seminar or something and all of them appeared elder to me. Being my habit of sitting in the front row in every class, I silently moved myself onto the fourth chair in the front. I knew once again I was going to face a lot of competition for grades in this class, that I will have my team mates who would be elder to me and I have to put in a lot to get an A. I have this class again on Thursday at 5:30 pm. I have a three-days a week schedule. This particular class is for Software Project Planning and Management.

I had my dinner very late. We went to a movie in the evening around 9:40 pm. It was "Religulous". I felt so great for having parents who taught me about Islam so well that no amount of illogical talk assumed as logical can deviate me. The movie was a documentary trying to disprove Christianity, Judaism and Islam as logical. Alhamdulillah my faith just got added up. It's necessary that we learn how to answer people when they ask us about our religion. Just because the Muslim guys who were interviewed in the movie didn't know how to answer well, the director succeeds in making a mockery of Islam. Any halfwit or a person with weak faith would fall into such arguments and buy them.

There is a millions of dollars worth beautification project for my university going on currently. They are even going to build a park worth $20,000 for dogs. They seem to be spending a lot on everything except for students. There are hardly any scholarships, fee waivers or aids. With very few jobs available on-campus we students get more dependent on our parents. Somehow alhamdulillah things are fine with me. I know many students have problems here paying for their fee. They even transfer to other universities. I know it's worth studying here. It's good alhamdulillah.

The American Screw

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. 

- Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland     

As I sat down at the table for a while I felt I had never been out of this place. Slowly the reality began to move up through the threads to the head to bang it hard and press the sharpness down. I am fine now but somehow couldn't figure out what happened. I suppose it was around 9 pm when my uncle dropped me at my apartment. Some minutes later a friend called me and I left for Denton. My friend who arrived from India a couple of weeks back came to pick me up with his brother. We went to his university. He is going to stay there now. I suppose University of North Texas is about 35 miles from my place. I am not sure when we are going to meet again.

I wanted to call my father to talk to him but I realized I had wished him his birthday just around 10 pm. I thought of calling up my mother but I had spoke to her too on my way to Denton. I like Dallas more than Houston for I know more places here and the place I call home in America is here. But back there in Houston I had my people. I miss them now. I miss my parents. This just seems to have become a routine habit - miss  a few people, get busy with something only to realize later that I was missing them. But it bleeds when I miss them. The head keeps getting banged harder with every memory moving in cycles and the sharpness getting more severe.

I saw the new schedule sometime back. My first class of this semester is at 7 pm. A professor from Washington DC will come over to UTD every Monday to teach us this course 'Semantic Web'. I had to take some elective, I wanted it to be something new and so I went for this one though I have little idea what it precisely is about. I have read some vague things about it and it sounded interesting. That's all I need to know to feel the need. I am not much into Computer Networks or Database Design though I would still go for one of these in the final two semesters as electives. The harder the head is banged, the deeper it goes. Someday it will break open this way.

As we left my friend at his university in Denton I recollected how I used to feel at the beginning of Fall when I was new here. He is new here now. I know he is going to think a lot, shed some tears, speak to himself, look in the mirror a few times but he will rise above the pain. That's what we all came here for. No success is achieved at the comfort of home. We all need to move out of comfort zones, let ourselves hurt, sacrifice and allow the groves to set in more firmly. The problem is with the head being hit so harder every few days. It's supposed to be driven in, not forced to cracks.

By the time we make this place our home the cracks gets filled but the head looses a lot of gloss. I haven't read much into what philosophy talks about religion but I do know something like abstractions are spoken about. Belief in God is said to be an abstraction, faith is called a high form of abstraction, love too at times is measured in abstracts like life and hope are. It's so soothing that Allah prescribes us straight forward rules which saves us from the pain of trying to find out what abstract which part of faith is or faith itself is. We have a set of rules and they take us to our end. Philosophy might help, prescription helps in concrete. Prescriptions fight cracks, smoothen the head and make the journey appropriate. Alhamdulillah.

Ledge

Oh! She's nice, she's kind, innocent too. She's probably pretty, the right one for you. So just forget me: I'm only a friend. Though I'll be with you, until the end.

- Unknown

Waiting has always been so difficult. Waiting for the right time to come. Waiting for people to get convinced. Waiting to hear answers. Waiting with no control in my hands. It seems dumb at times. Irritating most of the time. Annoying always. It eats from inside. I had Lazania for the first time today. It was good alhamdulillah.

This would be my last post from Houston as for now. I have little or no idea when I am going to get here again. InshAllah by nightfall on Sunday I will be in Dallas. I cannot guess how I am going to feel once I am there. It's different worlds on both sides - family here and newly made friends there. I have began to love both of them though there are preferences depending on state of my needs and necessities that make me ask one of the two at varying times for varying lengths. The premise remains the same - satisfaction. If family never changes, I would love to be with it always. If friends don't change and never get replaced, I would give more preference to staying with them. But neither is possible. Future sometimes like past looks scary.

Never in my full senses did I ever hope that I move back even a day in my life. There were times when I wanted time to go pass very fast. Some occasions also saw me asking for a pause but I always knew I was being ridiculous. I always found it foolishness to believe that doing the same thing over and over again the same way would yield a different result. I tried to make things proceed in different ways to see if something works out favorably. Things happen only when Allah wants. Waiting in hope is self-defeating.

It's middle of the night here. Tomorrow I know it will be a different place and a different tempo but it's going to be the same me with the same things in my mind. Monday I will have my first class of Spring inshAllah. I will have so many people around me, asking me, telling me, smiling at me; all people I have met less than five months back. Though I never came here with expectations from people, alhamdulillah everything has turned out very well. Some thing always remained missing. Somehow I always knew Allah was going to punish me using this. Once I said about this to a friend but couldn't explain it.

We just can't walk away from anything we don't like because everywhere we go we take with us all the past we have and the hope of future we have dreamt. We all grow old, we stop dreaming, our dreams die away with time and one day we face the same end. Life starts with dreams - the dream to be the best, fastest, strongest, wealthiest. They all fade away showing us the same path. What comes and goes in between is said to matter the most. I don't understand how it can matter more when something as important as a dream has to die. From those who say my talk makes me seem like I live in a dream world to those who say they don't understand what I write... I am just waiting.