March 6th

I always wondered, when a butterfly leaves the safety of its cocoon, does it realize how beautiful it has become? Or does it still just see itself as a caterpillar?" 
- The Air I Breathe (2007)

It's not that I can't write a few paragraphs daily. There was a time when I was writing every day for several months in succession. Two out of five times I start writing I start with seeing myself trying to kill the feeling of being poetic in my words. It's not the outcome that I am afraid of. It's simply not a pleasant thing to be writing a poem for what all goes through as a thought process is unpleasant. Not writing an impressive poem is just about another thing. And it's not that smooth to have something in mind and give something else in words. It's not faking; it beats the purpose of archiving thoughts.

In the past week I worked for almost 44 hours in total. It's manageable alhamdulillah. Though Google Maps says it takes 32 minutes for one-way journey I mostly manage it in under 30 minutes. The speed limit on the freeway I use is 60 miles but keeping in tune with the traffic flow pushes it beyond 65. Usually on my return journey I take 70 and stay alert looking for flickering blue and white lights. They always increase my heartbeat. Though I have perfect documents, insurance and license alhamdulillah, I prefer staying away from cops. But when I am not driving, the sight of a police man makes me feel safer.

It feels awesome when I press the gas on the v6 engine. The sound it makes, the acceleration it gives and the happiness it gives is mesmerising. It was so different when I used to drive on a v2 back in India. Even the v4 I had for a few days never gave so much fascination. Of course there are several cars on the roads with v8 in them; I don't think much about them. There will be time for many other things inshAllah. I remember my friend used to tease me telling I miss the adventure of riding bikes. When he gets to drive something like this inshAllah he will know what he has been missing. I see sport bikes here, I love the sound they make and the speed they travel at but I never think of riding them. My cousin had one and he once asked me to take a try. I said I never learned to ride bikes.

My brother went against my parent's directions that we shouldn't ride two-wheelers. Even as my mother kept asking him to keep away from them he continued and tried almost every kind of bike available on Hyderabad's roads. Yesterday alhamdulillah he got a brand new bike as a birthday gift from my mother. I am more excited than I was when I bought a car here. Though I am worried about the traffic in Hyderabad and my brother's safety and also the fact that my parents themselves went ahead with something they had always kept me away from, I am glad my brother owns a bike now. It's his birthday today. He is 18.

We had a career expo today at the university having 93 companies visiting. All of them were looking for students and alumni to fill co-op and internship positions. A small number of them were willing to take students with F1 status. I reached the place with my room-mate friend 30 minutes before closing. Then most important thing I needed was the list of all companies with the details of the vacant positions they had so that I can apply for them online. I dresses up fully formal and felt like myself again after so many days. The American lady at the check-in desk complimented at my shirt even while I have a messy looking beard and long hair like I have never kept before . Alhamdulillah I had so many wonderful looking shirts but hardly would I get any compliments in India. Strangers at times are sweet. Here, giving compliments is never flirting even if the other person is a complete stranger.

Once Upon A Time In Dallas

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. 

- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith 

I guess it was more that 10 years back at my aunt's house's lawn I was standing with my father when he said to me that I should always consider him my friend. A few years back he told me he would never leave me. Alhamdulillah I get to talk to him daily. I talk to my mother when the night start and before going to bed it's my father. I avoid talking to both of them at once. If I do that then I won't have the chance to talk to any of them again until the next day arrives. I mostly prefer enjoying luxuries slow.

Yesterday, just after a test I had, my room mate picked me up at 9 pm outside the ECS building. A few minutes later we were four people watching 'Unborn' at a theatre in Plano. We followed it with a dinner at IHOP. Earlier in the day I had lists of things ready to be finished in the coming 48 hours. Alhamdulillah I am done with them all - there were lease papers to be taken care of, bills to be paid online, a test to be taken, an assignment to be submitted and some commitments to be delivered. I could list out hour by hour detail on my last five days and wonder how I could do all that. But when I stare at the bottom line perhaps the only thing to cherish is Allah helping me all through.

Though I comb my hair at least once daily but I got to see my face in the mirror today. My hair have grown up beyond being called accepted and my beard seem to have taken over my complexion. The moment I realized about them I ended up saying "oh!". I remember saying "oh!" when I calculated the number of kilometers I drove on Saturday early morning. I said "oh!" when I checked out the cost of a Dollar in Rupees. I said "oh!" when I realized how long it has been since I have had any form of conversation with any friend from India. 

Though

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

- Kahlil Gibran 

I am sure it was at least 6 am when I fell asleep on Saturday. A call woke me up even before 8 am making me busy four hours ahead of my plans. I returned home late after 8 pm seeing heavy traffic on a freeway for the first time alone. I slept again after 4 am with a short nap in between. 8:40 am I was up and I am yet to get to sleeping. It's 3:15 am already. Just a few days back I was sleeping for more than 10 hours a day. Both ways work good for me alhamdulillah.

I got to talk to three of my friends today - all online. Perhaps I started writing today's post just to record this. I badly need to go to bed but I am not satisfied with the amount I have thought till now and not done with so much I need to think.

My father's friend returned from Hyderabad Friday after a week long trip. This was his first visit to India this year. I started feeling safe again the moment he called me to say he was back. I met him yesterday and told him how insecure I feel when he is not here. Not that I call him frequently for everything, not that there is nobody else in Dallas I can call if I need anything - there are many people alhamdulillah, but perhaps just because he is a good friend of my father and also like a friend of mine that I feel the security. And I guess his presence makes it a little more easy for me to stay away from my parents.

The Life Writing

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite.  Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance.  Everyone is just waiting. 

- Dr. Seuss 

There were a host of things I wanted to write in the last post itself but I felt I would loose the flow I was into then. It obvious most of the time I don't like doing things that change my mood unless it be for necessity. Today I have been trying to set myself up on this page but the willingness to share things isn't gaining weight. Thinking of course is not that so impossible, but thinking on something I don't find humble enough to be pinned up is rather a gamble. The stakes are high that I would mess up presenting a picture I would otherwise never. Doing something is always risky. One must do nothing and say nothing to avoid criticism. For the second time I end up having something I think I can't share with anybody.

I slept for voluminous number of hours yesterday I am ashamed to reveal. My room mates know it, they understand it and one of them does it too so I have got some company. After I woke up I had 30 minutes to get ready and catch the bus to the college. I didn't buy a parking tag for my car to save $48. But I guess inshAllah I will make the deal soon - it's always nice to be free from thinking and planning with bus timings guiding our plans. But we don't get to have such options everwhere. We are forced to accept others' preferences, console our hearts and respect boundaries. It's not so easy always. I just want to be sure I am doing the right things.

I cooked khichidi and tamatey ki chutney yesterday. I was surprised how well they tasted. I used canned tomatoes. I was worried they won't get cooked easily or they would taste too sweet but alhamdulillah a few drops of lemon juice made them taste wonderful. Today after the two evening classes I called up my room mate friend to tell him how hungry I was. By the time I reached home he had kept a pizza ready for me. We get these pizzas from Wal-mart for $1.25 each. They just need 13 minutes in the oven at 400F to taste awesome. I wish we could control few more things this way. But as always Allah will decide for us. He is the best One to do that.

Eleven Minutes

When she opened her eyes, Veronika did not think 'this must be heaven'. Heaven would never use a fluorescent tube to light a room, and the pain - which started a fraction of a second later - was typical of the Earth. Ah, that Earth pain - unique, unmistakable.

- Veronika Decides To Die, 1998, Paulo Coelho   

We behaved like we were drunk while cooking dinner. We had several reasons to laugh - all created out using wit and humour. One of my room mates has things to share from Mumbai, the other has things from Pakistan and I have from Hyderabad. We always pity chicken whenever we cook it. Sheep and cows get to spend some time in the meadows, idle around for a while, see some blue skys, behave like drunk and see this world. Poor chicken never get to experience any of these - half of them are either fried or boiled before they enter this world and the other half only to get slaughtered. We had a full uncut frozen chicken in our freezer asking for its rights to be cooked and eaten. We let it have it for free today.

I set out for the university at 9 am on Monday. I had an assignment to submit before 4 pm and a test at 5:30 pm. I knew it was going to be a long day for me. What I didn't know appeared when I sat with two friends at the fourth level of the McDermott library overlooking a construction site with the mirrors of Student Union complex showing signs of dirt reflecting the construction activity. I wonder why the group-study room in the library is always colder than the other areas. It makes a lot of things difficult. Nevertheless I like that place a lot more than the other lobbies and study areas. It was something else today.

We had seven questions to answer and my two friends were there working on it since 30 minutes before I joined them. I opened my laptop, entered the password and stared at the right corner of the screen seeing how fast WiFi connects me to the network. I wanted to think more about the test I had in the evening and the assignment I had to submit in the late afternoon. They didn't seemed important  - I have submitted so many assignments in the past and appeared for so many tests - it was not my over-confidence though. It was something else; at least today.

The chicken wanted to move out of its tightly sealed package. We had curd, pasta sauce, curry leaves, cilantro leaves and a lot many ingredients including onions asking for their rights' fulfilment. We awarded them everything for dinner. The other day we even awarded the frozen mutton's right to get cooked and eaten in the form of sumptuous, delicious biryani. It took us four hours to assure those rights. It was a worthy ride through so many procedures that included skills with grinding, frying, mixing, timing and most importantly, patience. Alhamdulillah. There is so much to enjoy in this world given to us by Allah yet so few people willing to enjoy it.

I kept my eyes open at the library, opened all the PDF files I had to read, hoped they would help me, looked at what my friends had done till then and tried to put my focus on the seven questions. I was simply not meant to put strain on my mind this morning. The brute force I had depended on had altered my track of thought. Whatever world I had been living in seemed empty once again. What I did clearly knew that it was time to plan. I had waited 11 months for a day to come, it came and it went away. That is obviously what I was waiting for. I did submit my assignment - a good 13 minutes before the deadline.

We had some proofs to write in the course Introduction to Cryptography - all using the concepts of probability. I was well aware I would have to study a lot of math in this course but I had no idea about the kind of math - I was expecting calculus; nothing like probability I prefer staying away from. I like things I can understand; things that others can understand; so that at least I can count on somebody to teach them to me. It's the knowledge that I can't conceive of something and nobody can help me with it that battles my peace. I also understand others' inability to understand either. Alhamdulillah the evening's test went very well.

Late yesterday night and early morning I tried to speak to as many people I could. I just wanted to. I called my cousin but she didn't receive the call all three times. I had assumed she had gone to some party. Today she told me she went to bed early. I don't get disheartened when she is busy or not available to receive my calls - it's like everything when I hear her recorded voice at her voice message box. I didn't call any of my friends but two; I wanted not to get disturbed from my dreams. Those who are a part of our dreams never disturb us. That which is a part of our dreams never disturbs us. What bothers is that which brings an unwanted change. I was shivering sitting in the McDermott library - not becasue of the cold AC, but because of something I had in me.

By Examples

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.  

- Miles Franklin 

I had been sleeping for nine hours daily so had to force myself to wake up three hours short today. It was easy because it was necessary. Lately it had become as difficult for me to wake up as it is difficult to get to sleeping. I go to bed most of the times with something to think about before I end up realizing that one night would not be enough for it. After my breakfast I have to go to the bank and later attend a seminar at 2 pm in the university. There are no classes scheduled for Wednesdays. I still wish I could take a nap for an hour more!

I have a test and an assignment submission coming up for next week. The test seems to be manageable but the assignment scares me with a lot of math in it. The test's in Software Project Planning and Management and the assignment is for Introduction To Cryptography. I knew cryptography would have a lot of math in it but I had no idea about the complexity. It's all in probability which I have always disliked. InshAllah I will manage. We are going to have a test in it inshAllah early next month and it's 'take-home' with very little time to work on. InshAllah I will have have to manage.

It was humid yesterday alongside some rain during daytime. It poured down at night and now it's sunny and cold. It's going to stay bright all day but temperature won't differ much. Weather here teaches change can be more than just constant. It's going to be terribly humid all through summer. The second I felt humidity yesterday, it reminded me of the days when I was new in Dallas and was living with my uncle. It's different world - one with a family around, the other with only some friends and the Internet.

Unquote

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.

- Swedish Proverb 

Today's drive reminded me of 9th of August, 2008 when it was 5 am and I was driving home alone. It was raining, it had rained incessantly for 4 days, all streets were clogged with water and it was the worst condition ever I had driven in. That was just after my cousin's wedding which was followed by some fun at his house. My parents and brother wanted to leave early so, I had dropped them home a lot earlier. Today it was smoother alhamdulillah. The roads were clear and 60 miles per hour seemed very less. The speed hardly shows unless there are turns on the freeways or when I open the window. Driving here is a lot different. There are too many rules and sign-boards always to look for.

I knew alhamdulillah another big change was expected in a very short time. I was praying for it. I guess from now even change will appear like routine. I always mock at those words from Spiderman: "with great power comes great responsibility". I like that converse: "with great responsibility comes great power". It's satisfying when we take care of our responsibility first and then exploit the power. As for Spiderman itself, it's fiction. I wonder why a few times today I felt my brain not working.

The food was ready when I reached home. One of my room mates had left for his night shift and the other had already crashed out - he leaves around 8 am daily. It's daal and plain rice. I have already had two cans of soda since afternoon so I will avoid any more of it with my meal. It's easy to get used to having at least a little of some drink with every meal. Dinner looks incomplete without it. Another point that amused me here was what we called 'soft drinks' in India is 'soda' here. Dr. Peppers is the one to give thumbs up.