Tiramisu

We tried so hard to create a society that was equal, where there'd be nothing to envy your neighbour. But there's always something to envy. A smile, a friendship, something you don't have and want to appropriate. In this world, even a Soviet one, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts, poor in gifts. Rich in love, poor in love.
- Danilov, Enemy at the gates

After telling that I can join Infosys, when mamma told me that it will just take one year extra for me to 'settle down' in life if I do it, I could clearly see that she understands my fundamental concern. I was glad to hear that she knew why I am being so bothered with the delay in processing of my visa. I received an e-mail from UTD informing me that the fee has been increased which means that it can cost me another 200,000 extra Rupees for the four semesters. I didn't feel any good reading that. But mamma had a solution to it. She seemed to be cool. Then I saw in the university's website that I can defer my admission by one year and that way work for Infosys in the meanwhile till I get the visa; I felt nice. But as mamma said, that it will take one extra year for me, there were several things in my mind and I didn't like it.

Sunday evening when I found some erratic behavior on my computer I turned it off immediately. And when I turned it on it was asking me to insert a bootable device and reboot again. My previous experience told me that my computer's hard-drive had crashed. As if nothing had happened I estimated that it would take me an hour to do run a restoration process and get connected to the Internet again. With no reason, and my mind somewhere else, I lazily disconnected the CD-ROM and pressed the connecting cables of the hard-drive harder onto their sockets. I turned on the machine again and found that everything was in place. It barely affected me.

Saturday evening a few of my friends came over to my house and we were together all night. We started with dinner at a restaurant, then some movies on my computer and finally nehari early morning. We watched 'Euro Trip' and several scenes from 'Troy' and 'The Matrix'. I had seen 'Euro Trip' in parts before. It has some nudity and I was a bit hesitant to watch it. But the movie is hilarious. It's extreme comedy and definitely worth a watch. Friday night I had watched 'Sleepless In Seattle' and a part of 'Enemy At The Gates' yesterday and the rest of it today. 'Sleepless In Seattle' almost got me to crying in the start. I missed some of my friends Saturday night.

The Cost Of Emotional Illitracy

There's an Italian painter, named Carlotti, and he uh, ahem, defined beauty. He said it was the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered, and that's you. You're beautiful.
- Cris Johnson, Next

I could delete two more movies and three episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother' today. If I had to rephrase this it would mean that I watched two movies today - 'Transporter 2' and 'Next' and three episodes of the series I mentioned above. The name is too long so, I am not typing it again. It's not one of the cleanest things on TV but when it's on the computer I can safely put on the headphones and watch it even in my parent's presence. Not that they would object if they heard it, I only don't want them to get interested in what I do on the computer. When my father gets interested in something he asks me to put it on a CD. Whenever my mother gets interested in something she sit with me in front of the screen. Both of these are still fine I suppose but I am not in here for a change in the way I live.

The other day she sat beside me when my profile on Facebook was open. In spite of me telling her that she could see it in my absence when my brother is using the computer, she kept coaxing me to let her see my profile. I did let her read a part of it and the moment she started reading the 'favorite quotes' part I scrolled the page down asking her to read the rest with my brother later. But when I scrolled down the page it stopped at the 'Wall' part. There were a couple of messages from a friend who happens to be a girl presently in Saudi Arabia. This was enough for my mother to get excited. She continues to find no difference between what a girlfriend means and what a friend who happens to be a girl means.

She keeps teasing me always. Though obviously, it all depends on her mood. But like most other people, and I strongly believe that others too are like me on this issue, I don't like my conversations with my friends to be read by my parents. But there is something different with me - I have no problem if they read and listen to everything in my absence and never ask me about it and never change their perspectives about it. They are my parents and they do have the rights to know all about me. But because they have grown up, they, I am sure, have forgotten most of what all they had in their minds when they were of my age. I know many times they haven't questioned me when apparently they should have. I could let them see all my accounts and have them seated beside me every time I use my computer provided that they see it the way I feel it. And that, I believe, is not practically possible.

The word that includes these issues is 'generation gap'. It's a phrase to be precise. And it's something I don't always like to hear more on. It's an unfiltered word used by elders to describe what they cannot or perhaps don't want to understand. I really wonder what my parents think of me - what I do know is that they will let me do everything I want to do because they trust the lessons I have taken from them all these years. I remember getting beaten up for many things when I was a kid, being scolded and taught about what all seemed to be trivial to me, and put into detailed discussions - especially by my father - when my perspectives didn't match with his. But unlike many parents I see who don't have their children involved in decisions they make and the problems they face, my parents always kept me informed. Maybe partly because my brother and I were the only ones they had with them almost all the time at home and also because they thought we both must be made responsible sooner.

Or maybe they just didn't think anything about this and simply continued with whatever came to them. Right from the times my parents argued, they had to talk about some relatives, resolve a problem or even fight about something, I was always there. When I was much younger I used to listen. Then I started speaking up. Then I took to the level of becoming opinionated. And now, I am not sure if I am right in doing this, but more or less I feel this is how it has become because almost everything is decided the way I want it to be, I am dictating them what to do. I give the reason, I accept the responsibility and they let me have it my way. I am not forcing them to agree with my maverick opinions; I am only reminding them of what they have taught me.

My relationship with my parents is not like I hear others having with their parents. I am at a lot of distance from my mother. I can never go and hold her hands whenever I want to, I can never go and put my head on her shoulder or kiss her, I can only talk to her. It has always been like this. I used to hug my father a lot until some years back; I used to rest my head on his arms and sleep beside him. I can't do that anymore. Though, of course, with my father it's this way because I have grown older now, with my mother it is always the same. Once in a week she holds my hands when she finds me doing nothing or touches my cheeks - it's only when she feels like. But I feel happy that at least once a week that happens. And there are times I get irritated too when she touches me.

I don't feel any bad about it because it has always been this way. But I like being shown love. I like it when there is a shoulder I can sleep on - I have done that twice - and it was incredible. Once I slept on my cousin brother's shoulder and once on my brother's. I feel great when my father touches me and plays with my ear lobes like he always does with small children. I still don't mind missing them. I would only miss something I have felt enough of it to fall in love with it - in this context. There are imaginations and apart from taking away time they take nothing else - give nothing either. And I still have no idea what's making me write all this. It's just one of those times when I keep typing what sentences some into my mind. I do trust them. They are more real and untouched. And suddenly I see some good number of paragraphs already written!

There is something in me I haven't always liked. It's a part of me; it's a part of my being. Fundamentally I am supposed to control it. It's a kind of emotion that can be enjoyed to the core but must be tamed. I don't want to control it; I want to get rid of it - temporarily. I know that's quite impossible and should it happen it would throw my life out of the track. 'I don't want to control it, I want to get rid of it' is more out of frustration than intention. Or maybe I am just tired because I know it's not going well. But I am happy and thank Allah that some crucial times were held very well decently.

I had two friends at home yesterday in the night and they stayed up till almost 2:30 am. For the last two days I have gone to bed only after Fajar. Yesterday mamma asked me around 4:15 am if I would be awake for more time and I only said “yes”. Today my father told me that it might affect my health. My reply was about the 7 to 8 hours I was sleeping in a day. I am still waiting to hear from the consulate – the three weeks they said have ended. I expect them to contact me in the coming few days. I pray to Allah that I get the visa at the earliest. So many people tell me that they are praying for me. If it is Infosys Allah wants me to join, I pray I remain happy and satisfied with it.

I Used To Be Better

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

It's serious irritation to see so much spam in Yahoomail. Until some days back I used to check my mailbox daily and clear all the junk. I always had to delete 8 to 10 messages. And this is just the count of the spam delivered into my inbox - there is always more in the bulk mail folder. Gmail too receives but it goes into the spam's folder - they don't make us look for what is unnecessary and delete it manually. I wonder why a service like Yahoo Mail has no proper protection for it's users. I am not like those who just leave mails unchecked if I don't have to open them. It finds me as disorganized when I keep unread mails for long. But now I have decided that I won't checking my mailbox in Yahoo. It will just be a service I have abandoned using. I already have more than 150 unread there. Gmail seems to be the best. No doubt about Hotmail's crediblity.

I finally took along with five friends for a movie yesterday to a theatre. It was my first since I had watch 'I Am Legend'. My friends had gone for one on Saturday too which I skipped because I wanted to spend time with my cousin. Yesterday too something found me hesitant but I decided it soon. The movie was 'Hulk'. I didn't so particularly liked it but it was entertainment. Around 9:15 pm we went to Eat Street. It was reasonless - we just didn't want to disperse immediately. It's always nice to spend some time together and leave only when we feel that there is nothing more to talk. It was good to sit there in front of Hussain Sagar with three friends without talking anything! Saturday I had watched 'The Sixth Sense' at home. It was very good.

A cousin sister came to meet us yesterday. She arrived from Peoria, Illinois just few days back and had been to her in-laws' place in Guntur. I met her infant daughter for the first time. The thing she knew best was to smile. They were at my house for around an hour and she played all the time. Whenever she saw anybody looking at her she smiled back revealing her small two teeth. Unlike many other kids we see she didn't mind sitting on anybody's lap or going out with anybody other than her mother. It was really pleasing to hear her shout and yell. MashAllah.

Moments before I was leaving for the movie yesterday my mother asked me about the number of friends I was going with. I told her there were six of us. Then she asked me if there were any girls too. I said no. She then asked why I was dressing up. I wanted to argue for a while but found it unnecessary. I have never been out of my house except for nearby places without shoes and belt and I never forget perfume, my watch and combing. It was pointless that my mother asked it. I have taken good care of what I wear for many years now - perhaps since the time I got done with my 10th standard.

I was shaving my beard on Saturday when I thought of trying something new. I didn't shave the part below my lower lip. It now appears like French with no mustache and very little beard below the corners of the lower lip. I am not sure if I am going to keep it for long but my brother seems to be too amused. Keeping any new design on face requires regular shaving and trimming and I am of those who do it only when I am going out. So these days because I don't have any places to visit my beard grows unquestioned. My parents make a lot of fun of me calling me Devdas and failed-lover. I am used to it now. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I Can Sense It. It's Not Easy

What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
- George Bailey, It's A Wonderful Life

There isn't much that prompted me to write today. I didn't read a book; I didn't watch any movie. I read a lot of sophisticated content on the Internet yesterday- if that can manage to give an 'ununderstandable' explanation of what I read - today I read more of the related but it was rather more elucidated than yesterday's and I watched a comedy show on TV sitting with my father and brother. I have decided that from tomorrow I will give more time to the books and movies I have to finish instead of spending time on the computer listening to only music. The only problem will be that I will miss my friends if they come online in the meanwhile.

I couldn't believe what all they are showing on TV these days. This show named "Comedy Circus" was on a famous Hindi channel and there was a warning scrolling horizontally across the screen at the bottom telling that the show had adult content and children below 18 must watch it under parental guidance. Two things I can tell about this - they do not know what all children of 14 years of age understand these days and, even till 12 midnight it is considered as family time in front of TV at least in the houses of people like me. I know how heavily television channels are being censored these days - even simple bad words are being muted. This show was an antithesis to that.

With a friend today I went to submit my application for the NSR card which Infosys has made it compulsory. We went to the right place at first. When we asked the watchman he asked us to go to some other building on the other side of the street. After searching for a while we called up a friend and took the precise address. The office we had to go to was in the same building whose watchman had made us go somewhere else. And more interestingly, we found flat number 205 at third floor! But talking about Infosys at home is not simple. My mother asked me if we must book tickets to Mysore now; this came at a time when I was looking for the cost of tickets to Dallas Fort Worth Airport and the possible itinerary. I know I am yet to get the visa but I am positive about it. Going to Infy is easy, will have me start earning money, I can spend my own money, but it's something I want to delay. Allah knows what's going to happen. Only time will let me know about it.

My brother returned from my aunt's house today. He had been to some concert in the evening, had enjoyed lots of time with cousins since yesterday afternoon and today he finally decided that it was time to come home. And yes, I think there is something more interesting my brother is doing these days: after putting on the 'spikes' hairstyle, a goatee, playing lots of cricket, table tennis, playing football with the Sudanese, riding almost every bike found on the roads these days, he found a new inclination - snooker. And at nights he is watching Euro 2008 matches. He has already learnt how to stay up till 2 am easily. After he got an assurance that he will get an admission into CSIIT for Bachelor of Architecture for the marks he has scored in NATA he has been enjoying every bit of his time as if somebody has let him off the leash.

My cousin sister who was wholeheartedly preparing for IIT entrance examination couldn't get through the test. Though we all were expecting a lot from her in EAMCET too, we are now very, very happy that she got an admission in VIT for MS integrated five year course in Software Engineering. The only reason to feel sad is that she would be leaving us shortly as her classes start in the first week of July. Even her mother - my aunt - is battling a possible transfer to some other place away from Hyderabad. She had already suffered a lot some years back when she had to make trips to a place named Kamareddy daily. My uncle too has spent a couple of years in Aurangabad away from his family. It's not easy to always get to stay together - stay as the same.

Related Phrases

About 3 million computers get sold every year in China, but people don't pay for the software. Someday they will, though. As long as they are going to steal it, we want them to steal ours. They'll get sort of addicted, and then we'll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade.
- Bill Gates, Speech at the University of Washington, as reported in "Gates, Buffett a bit bearish" CNET News (2 July 1998)

I remember my father talking about some chocolate yesterday night after he and mamma returned from some shopping. So, today I opened the fridge to check it out. There was nothing there but when I opened the freezer I impetuously uttered "haa" loudly. There was nobody home so nobody heard it. What I found inside was a very big packet of Kit Kat. Though I have seen bigger boxes of chocolate in the fridge before several times this thing was very, very amusing. I am yet to tear-open the pack but I am keeping patience. There is thrill and excitement in the moments I wait to take on such enjoyments. It's called as happiness.

Yesterday after publishing the last post here I began reading some old ones. The one I particularly enjoyed was "Castaway". It was longer than my usual posts and it was satisfying. Though I don't expect most of it to be understood by those who must have read it, I do believe that there are some things very clearly mentioned. I wasn't rambling. There was no redundancy - whenever I write something that might sound unhealthy, I find it quintessential that I provide as many details as possible and be very specific with what all I mean to say. But of course it's majorly for myself that I right, it always feels great to know that somebody is reading. But when somebody ends up misunderstanding it, it aches.

There always has to be something that makes me write. I don't write just for the sake of it. Something has to motivate me, force me or give at least a nimble reason even if it is very trivial. This post is my 450th on the blog and I know that the last 50 have taken a very long time to come. I give the regards to two reasons for this - I had lost a lot of motivation during these days getting myself involved more in movies, music and other activities and I had to give a lot of thinking for everything I wanted to put here. The second reason is more non-trivial that it may appear. At times it gets difficult to predict how a reader might react to what I have written. Not everybody rely on responding, they only react.

We are all prejudiced, we are all biased and we all show favoritism. We might be guided by our ego on several occasions. Doing the right thing when our heart doesn't allow us is tough. It's hard, but it's harder to ignore illogical inclinations when the rightful has to be done nevertheless. If everything had to occur on merit we would have been living in a totally different world today - I would have been a different person, perhaps this blog would have never existed and maybe I would have had very different people as my friends. I am afraid of this kind of world. Perhaps we are all afraid of meritocracy. But we are going fine with how things exist now.

I got a call from my college's junior asking me to send him all the material necessary to publish the next edition of the department's newsletter Communique. I wonder what he is expecting of me. When I worked on my first issue I had nothing with me making me start from the scratch. I decided on the template, I decided the fonts and I fixed the page layouts. I am sure he already has a copy of it. As long as he has nothing from me he can take the liberty to decide things for himself. But when I mail him the details of the templates and the fonts I am sure he will have a problem in adjusting to them.

That's How I Know It

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.
- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

I remember those days when my father had decided to close down his business and moved some of the machinery to a new place handing it over to a guy who used to work for him previously. Mamma too had to go to Sangareddy daily for she had been transferred there as the General Manager of District Co-operative Central Bank of Medak. Daily my brother and I had to take care of what had to be cooked in the nights, instruct the maid, take innumerable instructions from mamma on phone, take care of evening tea and snacks, collect drinking water and even some times wait to see our parents' faces late in the night. It was only after 9 pm that mamma used to arrive home.

Then my father took over the management of a school belonging to his friend. Till date I wonder why exactly he did that. I always wondered how it could be to have a mother who stayed home. Mamma always had to worry about her office, the union leaders who troubled her, the hundreds of employees who worked under her who always had problems with every decision made, the targets she had to meet and the responsibilities she had to carry. She had started to hate her cell phone. After several requests made to the Managing Director of the head office, meeting some MLAs and consulting several people she could finally get herself back to Hyderabad. Then some months later my father started working with his brother for the Trust's schools which had been previously managed by some other relatives who had brought a lot of disgrace to the Trust which was supposed to serve the poor around that place.

It was those months when my father had nothing to do which were terrible. Money was not much of an issue but still mamma had decided that we must cut back on expenses. She had made us stop using the car, we stopped going to restaurants, neither were we getting any food from outside, there were plans to purchase some appliances for home and she had dropped those plans. This was just for a very short period - two months I guess - but it left a mark on me. Though it didn't cause any pain, it taught me some very important things which otherwise I wouldn't have ever realized. Because I was always allowed to handle my money I knew how important it is to save. My father always had opposite beliefs - he never saves.

When I got most of our liquid and fixed assets evaluated as a proof of financial worthiness to be shown at the consulate I realized how well my mother has managed to make it so comfortable for my brother and me. She had earned what people don't in the whole of their lifetime. It was mostly because she was taught about delayed gratification by her father and also because she studied commerce and mastered it. Whatever it was, she succeeded in her objective as my mother. My father on the other hand had different priorities for himself but he always managed to give my brother and me the love we couldn't get from our mother because she was not home when we needed her.

Mamma always spent money on home, my brother and me. She didn't leave even a small gap in what all that had to be filled. But when she comes home daily, I greet her with a big smile and all happiness in my heart and she only greets back with no smile on her face, it beats all reasons to my happiness. She has the habit to remain tensed about everything. Whenever she gets frustrated at her office she pours it at home. She shows love only when it is convenient to her, she shows affection only when she feels like - not when I need it. I don't complain for what she is and how she is. I only wonder how it could have been if my parents had remained more appropriate to their roles. It's all how Allah wants it to be and I am pretty satisfied.

From what I hear from my parents there are people who want my father's schools and the Trust which is in his grandmother's name to be sold. The sole purpose of this establishment is social service through educating the poor and the needy at a very low fee. The Trust was started by my father's aunt when she deposited a huge amount in a bank for the Trust to be run. I wonder why there are people who want to defeat this purpose. There are hundreds of poor who bless those who work for these schools and those who have contributed to it in any form. I know its value runs into crores of rupees but that's not what it is meant for. It is meant for charity. It is meant for the Aakhirat of my great grandmother and all those who are involved in the noble cause. I know as long as my uncle is the managing trustee this purpose will be met in the best possible way Allah decides.

The best part of the whole of my family has been our self-dependence and independence from what other relatives had to decide or do. My parents can take decisions without having to contact anybody else - elder or younger in relation. Nobody has to ask for any big favors now. We chose our directions and live our lifestyles and when we meet each other we are all at peace. I have seen other people who are bound by relations and families and commitments to other relatives. Alhamdulillah what I see among my relatives is all perfect. I am glad for all the people I have.

The other day when I was with my friends we had a short talk on those who are problematic with their swollen egos. Today I did absolutely nothing all through the day sitting home wondering what went wrong and this talk struck my mind. I couldn't get to the other end of the answer to why people are bogged up with their egos and create problems with people around them and some times even friends. Alhamdulillah I haven't really experienced anything wrong going on involving me but there are some distasteful patches at some places. There is envy and jealousy which I cannot understand and I might be unable to explain it to anybody even if I get to the other end. Possession of no amount of money, endurance of no amount of pain and neither does any amount of self-love entitles a person to tell that he can stop talking to others or disregard them. What is right is right no matter how difficult it is for a person to behave right.

I have an acquaintance who was rejected F1 visa today. He said there were eight straight rejections before him and he was the 9th. I really had all my heart with him and wanted him to return home successful but it was saddening when I heard the news. I completely agree that Americans have full rights to deny any person entry into their state and I should not complain even if they reject me. What I pity is the seriousness involved in it. I know I didn't feel good when I was put on hold and I also know what I would have felt had I been rejected. I would have rather become more social if things had become too negative. I will always prefer accepting my ignorance than just talking crap to entertain others to grab their attention. I also believe that being normal involves letting others too remain normal - not in stopping them from being how they would be if there was no pressure on them. That is not normal even remotely. And that is how I know it. That is how I conceive of it.

Pouvez-Vous Expliquer?

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
- Jennifer James

It gives excitement to do unorthodox things. Saturday, after I reached home around 9:15 pm, with my parents and brother, I went to a bakery near my house to buy burgers. Then we sat in the car at a quite place by the side of a road on our way to Softy Den to have these burgers. After having ice cream we went to my aunt's house nearby. My father hurt his shin while kicking start his two-wheeler last week and he wanted to consult my cousin. My cousin had an off so was at home like as it was last Sunday. I was tired when I finally reached home.

That was the second ice cream of the day for me. Earlier in the day I had met my friends at City Center, had lunch at Bowl - O - China and spent some time at Eat Street where I had my first cone of the day. A few minutes after I reached home from Eat Street a friend picked me up and we went to see off a friend who was leaving for Bangalore. He missed his bus at the starting point and boarded it finally at the stop at Lakdikapul. Just a day before that I had met him thinking that it was possibly the last time for the time-being. It just wasn't the case and we met again on Saturday.

On Sunday I finally woke up at 2 pm hearing my phone ring for the second time. An hour later I was at Eat Street again with two friends. We were there for four hours - we had serious talks, we had some jokes and some discussions. There were no pointless talks for those four hours. By the time I reached home it was 7:40 pm and I started for my aunt's house in Malakpet. It was my uncle's birthday and also some of my distant relatives from Warangal were here on a visit so we had a get-together. I was inexplicably tired and feeling sleepy but I had to drive back home. I was so happy to see no heavy traffic - the last time I had passed by that road in the night it was full of trucks.

Monday morning I met a friend at Masab Tank. Then we went to Apple iStore and Music World before reaching college - he had to buy the VCD of the movie 'Nikah' at Music World. 'Nikah' is the only movie till now we couldn't find on the Internet to download. After spending hardly 30 minutes in the college we went to Sarvi and returned college an hour later. After college it was Jagdish market and then finally back home. He dropped me and left to report at his office. His timings these days are 5 pm to 2 am.

My post till now has been full of facts. It's nice to have such facts to write to please myself knowing that I did something in the last few days. Apart from going to my grandmother's house for sometime there isn't anything I did today. Also I walked almost 5 milometers. And I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow or the day after or in the days to come. My cousin is here from Kyrgyzstan so maybe I can go meet him. I can also meet a friend who only seems to give late replies to my messages on Facebook but never thinks of coming to my house. And of course I also have to meet a friend who got his F1 visa a few days back. But I might not be doing these tomorrow. A friend had called me today and I will call him back in the morning and ask him to come to my house. There are very, very little chances that he would come.