Nothing ever happens ... and I wonder

Yesterday I had written that I feel as if its been long since I had a chat with anybody. Today my uncle called me up and asked me to come online. We had chat but it was on MSN and not on Yahoo! But that was the only chat I had. Today is the first day that I didn't get any mail in my gmail inbox. Since the day I have started using it from my home, its 10 months now, I have been getting mails every day - mails that are not spams, mails that have been sent by somebody. Today I got nothing. It happens ... sometimes. Since 2 days I didn't get a scrap on orkut too. It happens .. sometimes .. simply. But I don't know why it happens!

From tomorrow I have my 2nd internals starting. I studied for sometime but still have a lot more to do. Presently I have a terrible head ache and I feel sleepy. It has been a dull day today with all sorts of thoughts running in my mind. InshAllah I will study something before I go to sleep and also in the morning.

One of the 2 subjects for which I have tests tomorrow is interesting. I like to read the topics covered in the book. But things are limited to the interest and though I like reading it, I don't feeling like learning it. That's the biggest problem I have with my studies presently. I like the subjects, I like reading them, but I don't like studying them. I just have the eagerness to know how things work, but unfortunately I don't like to learn them. Somehow I need to manage.

For the last few days my post have been becoming too serious and emotional. I wish I could make a resolution of not mentioning anything serious here; a decision to stop writing about a few things. But this place is meant for me to relieve myself of all those things. It's like I sit in front of somebody and speak out everything and that person listens to me without questioning me back. And everybody likes that.

Friday evening I did go out for shopping. My father took us. I bought 3 shirts and 2 trousers. I took a lot of time selecting them and it is something normal for me. Whenever I go out for shopping, I don't like any of the clothes I see. It takes a lot of time before I find something that I feel would look best on me. It frustrates my parents, but they are used to it by now. In the coming month I have one more of such round to make. I have several things on my mind while choosing clothes. I don't see if what I select is nice. I try to imagine myself wearing it, and visualize how I look in that particular shirt or trouser. In short I buy clothes in which I look good. I don't care how the clothes look. But I maintain a certain standard and don't get tempted by clothes that may attract me but don't have quality.

5% of brains are used. Hearts: even less than that!

Today is October 14th. Today, the same day, last year, I had shown the letter I had written on October 13th, 2005 to 2 of my friends. One of them called me late in the night and asked 'why did you do this?' The other one had said 'I was thinking you as an ordinary person'. 2 days later I shared the letter with another friend. The first 2 friends forwarded the letter to another friend. January 10th took the letter to the person because of whom it was written! Cool, I remember all the dates. The letter was discussed on 16th of February 2006!!!

So what? What did I gain from all this? Nothing? Everything? It still remains a mystery.

It has been said that humans hardly use 5% of their brains and Einstein used 10% of it. But some people don't use even that percentage of their heart. For reasons known to themselves - for reasons they don't want to talk about. They are numb, they don't care for others; they take things easily; they have decided that they will never think about it. They have decided not to use their heart. I wish I never had to care for it, but it makes a difference to me. Unfortunately!

Today I went to CL. I was among the 6 people present. I had my Iftaar at a hotel near by before going for the class. I had tea and osmania biscuit. This was the first time I sat in such kind of a hotel and at anything - alone. I did feel alone sitting there. Whenever I had been to such hotel, I had my father with me. He wasn't there with me today. 15 days back I sat in a bakery and has some spring rolls. I was alone even there but it was a bakery and not a road-side tea hotel.

I was left early so I reached home at 8:50 pm. My friend from my college too didn't come for the class so I came by bus. After coming home I prayed Ishaan and also the prayers I missed today. I hope Allah accepts them.

During the day time I slept a lot. I studied for some time too but it was nothing substantial. I woke up at 11 am after sleeping at 6:30 am after Fajar. I thought a lot about some things today. All useless and waste of time. But I am fine, I am not feeling bad - just unfortunate. I am not complaining it; I don't regret anything. I am thankful to Allah for what I am - even if what I am is not what I should be. I have my whole future ahead of me and I can do anything with it. I have nobody who would ask me. I have no responsibility. I can live my own life and live for that that matter to me. I will select the things that should matter to me. I will live for my parents and my dreams. I won't live for people who don't have anything for me. It's a different thing that I may not forget them.

I don't think I would be going to CL tomorrow. Already the ones present today were saying that they won't come.

I was thinking about when it was the last time that I had a chat with anybody on yahoo messenger. I think it was yesterday and then 3 days back. Yesterday it was with a friend and only for a few minutes. Now it seems as if several weeks have passed since I spoke to anybody. It happens sometimes - simply. Then things become fine - by themselves. There are days when all I do is chat.

Somethings never die; I try and I try!

Some time back my father prepared tea for us and it was one of the best he has made in the last few days. I remember a few days back it tasted horrible. This was very nice.

Today after coming home at 4:30 pm I crashed out into my bed. When I woke up there were hardly a few minutes left for the iftaar. Today my father has also promised to take us to Abids for my shopping. Everybody else at home are done with their own and its only me who is left. Last Sunday we had planned to go but my brother's ill health prevented us from getting out of the house. Even today he my not come with us when we go out - he has his test tomorrow at his college. But even I am not sure what my father finally decides!

Yesterday I couldn't update this blog. As long as I was online I didn't remember writing, and only after switching off the computer that I realized I had to write. It wasn't much late and I had enough time, but I didn't feel like. So the point is not that I couldn't write, the thing is I didn't write!

One of my friends didn't do his lab internal well. He was feeling very bad for it while returning home form college. He had studied quite a lot and he was heartbroken as he couldn't write the test well. He said he can take this in 2 ways - stop all studies and forget everything, or study much harder now. I hope he opts for the second way.

I have my theory internals starting from the coming Monday. I do not know what's going to happen this time. 2 days I have 2 exams - morning and afternoon. I think it would be better if I give force on one of the 2 everyday and score well in that. For the other one I need to manage with something - its making me feel tizzy. I am not able to study anything when I am fasting. Mornings are the only times I can expect something form myself and if I spend that time in sleeping then I need to forget any marks.

Then finally I have my theory externals from November 14th. Before that I will be having the practical ones. So, there is a good tight schedule in the coming days with even the final days of Ramazan arriving.

Today I felt a little bad for some coincidences. Some people appear more when I try to avoid them. And this reminds me of more and more things which I want to forget. I know this will continue till I finish my engineering.

Today is October 13th. Last year, the very day I had written soemthing which now I need to carry all through my life. I don't regret it; I am not sorry for myself. But if I have caused anything tp anybody, I am sorry for that. I am living with it!

Hello!

Since Saturday my friends and I have started spending some time talking about religion in the college after college hours. Till now one of us has spoken (given that sermon kind of thing) but inshAllah others will follow. Its something very nice we are doing and I hope we al get to learn a lot from this. But till now not all of our friends could join. One of us is not well and isn't coming to the college. InshAllah he will be fine.

Now I feel perfectly fine except that in the mornings during Sehri I am not able to eat the way I was doing previously, before falling ill. Even in the evening I begin feel done with the eating with just a few things. The more I get desperate in increasing my weight, the more difficult it is getting for me to eat properly.

Now a days I don't seem to find any topis to write on. Even for this blog, I don't know what exactly to write. There are few things I am avoiding and they take all the weight away. Except the news paper and somethings form books here and there I am not able to read anyting due to less time. Even when I have time it is getting wasted in sleeping! And because I am not reading much, I am not thinking much and I am not able to write much.

A few days back I read at a place about how to get some new ideas while writing essays. it was for people who write essays and get stuck up in the middle of the paragraphs. The idea given was to open any pare of the dictionary and read some words - they fire imagination. But I found myself doing it already. So many times I open the dictionary for so many reasons. I open it when I feel bored, when I feel like reading and find nothing interesting, when I am writing and suddenly forget what to write. Sometimes I simply open it, get a few words, known and unknown, and frame some sentence using them. It always helps me ... wiht manythings.

So after reading this thing, I felt glad that I was already on the right track, even with nobody letting me know what the right path was. So many times with so manythings I have felt this way but as long as I am never made to feel that I am doing something wrong, I dont think I can ever call myself satisfied. I need to know that I am wrong with something. And sometimes when I am made to know that, I often dislike the way taken. And later I realise it ... that I was wrong and also that I was being a kind of cynic. So this itself is beyong explanation to me. I need to know that I am wrong when I am wrong, not after being wrong! ...

The above 2 paragraphs is what that happens when I reduce thinking and reading - I am not able to explain clearly what I am trying to!

Monday Afternoon

Yesterday night itself my mother asked me to stay home even today. I wasn't woken up in the sehri. It was around 7 that my mother asked me How I was doing and if I would like to go to the college. I had not feeling of fever but I felt like staying home. Even my mother didn't go for work as she has to take care of my brother who too is not well.

I had a cup of Horliks around 9 am at the comforts of my bed. My mother brought it for me. Then it was bread with tea around 12. I sat at the dining table for this. And now, sometime back she prepared a soup and it tastes wonderful.

Tomorrow I have an internal test in Operating Systems lab. I took a lot of printouts today. It hardly took anytime, I call it lots of because I haven't taken so many at home till now! A few days back our mam had explained many of the programs personally so I guess if I spend some time with them, I wont have any problem in studying them. There are 2-3 programs that threaten me and I will leave them. Alhamdulillah I have no complains with my health too.

Yesterday my aunt called me. A few days back my father had given a copy of my article 'My Perception of My Own Life' to my uncle (my father's elder brother) and my aunt read it yesterday. I called me as soon as she finished reading. She said she liked it a lot and she praised me for my broad-mindedness and observation. It was after 8 in the evening and the rest of the time I spent before sleeping was great. Her call made my day!

My aunt too, along with my uncle, is an active member of Amways. They are into this for more than 20 years now. I am not sure but I think it can be 25 years too. All through they have met thousands of new people, listened to hundreds of videos and read books in equal numbers. In a way I can say that they have seen the world. My uncle has always inspired me. No doubt how much yesterday's call from my aunt means to me. She wished me great success in life.

Now the bad taste in my mouth is gone. I don't know if it is really out, or I am used to it by now. What ever it is, I am able to eat everything I like. Presently I feel like having some fried chicken and I will have it! It is always nice to do whatever you feel like as long as Allah has given you the permission to do it.

Sunday Evening

My blogs, my appetite and my studies have become the most neglected parts of me in the last 4 days. Today I slept almost all day. Today was the 4th fast I missed. I wanted to fast but my mother didn't allow. InshAllah I won't miss tomorrow.

Yesterday and today I didn't go to CL. I was at my grandparents' house yesterday evening. It was one of those old days when everything used to be cozy when we all met. It remains to be that way every Saturday but without me. It was my mother's b'day too. Last year we had a dinner outside. This time we did nothing.

On Friday I went to bed at 10:40 pm. And I fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes. I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday morning and wished my mother then slept again. I had a program to attend in the college and my mother wasn't allowing me to go. I wanted to go as staying at home alone is too lousy and makes me lethargic. I called my friend, asked him to pick me up and took along to the college. I had good time there, Alhamdulillah!

On Friday I thought of doing some maintenance things of my computer using the built in recovery system. It didn't work. Some file seems to be missing. Now I will have to call the customer care for assistance and I know its going to take a lot of time before I could have things fixed.

Practice what you preach; preach what you practice

What am I doing ... none ... both ... or something a kind of antithesis to both!

Today afternoon I was having some cough syrup. As I poured a little syrup in the spoon and started to raise my hand toward my mouth, my hand started trembling.

3 hours I ha a terrible cramp in my feet. It was as if some bone in my feet had got dislocated from its position. Even till now I can feel soemhting uptill my knee. It was actually some nerve that got strained.

The moment I m touching water, I am getting shivers. I havent taken bath for the last 3 days. I feel so bad and guilty too!

I missed my fast today and even all the prayers. Such a pathetic time.

But still I am doing good mentally.

Every few hours either my mother or my grandparents are caling me to ask abt my health. Soem how I don't feel like telling them how I am doing exactly. Everytime I sopke, I told that I was doing better. Now I days I am not liking telling ppl how I am doing. My answer is always or usually 'I am fine' unless the person is somebody very close who wouldnt call me a neagtive person!

Down

Yesterday I couldn't write anything - had fever and a lot of cold. In the morning I used 3 hand kerchiefs - my nose was flowing; all 3 got wet. I had a lab internal today and I did it terribly bad - no regrets for that - I couldn't study anything; just gave some reading and spent 30 minutes with the book.

I have another lab internal tomorrow and I have no idea if I am going to study for it. I am not able to sit at one place for long - feel like lying down.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved

Just wokeup at 4:30 am today, had the early breakfast - sehri, and switched on the computer. I thought of just checking a few things, updating the blog, then perform my prayers and sleep. But I saw something that got me really angry. I really don't know when it was the last time that I got angry this way. I performed my prayers and since then I am trying to think if there is something that would set things right.

There is (was) a guy in orkut who was in my friends' list. He is supposed to be some friend's friend. Everytime we met, he was good to me and I was good to him. But yesterday he reacted to a scrap written by a friend of mine in my scrap book. I don't want to get into whose mistake it was, but what this #@&%) guy did after that was and continues to be intolerable. He created a fake profile and is trying to hurt my friend.

I wish I knew the right thing to do now. I even feel like going and banging him. But thats not the right way I suppose. I will wait to hear what my other friends have to say. ... damn hell! what a bad person I had as a friend. And what a wrong way to know what he is. I hope to forget all this but I know its going to be here for long.

I have prioritised all people I have with me. At no moment of time will I have any problem in selecting whom to support and whom to fight against. I have done this after a lot of thinking and even if in some way I am wrong, I am not going to mind. I am ready to face all consequences. And again I take all responsibility of everything that happens within me and around me.

Hardly a day passes by when I don't ask Allah to make me a good person. I beg Him for goodness in me. I ask Him to make me a person who would never do anything wrong, never hurt anybody, never say anything bad ... a person who is liked and loved by eveybody. I really don't care if I am the richest or poorest of all the people in this world, but if I am not good, I know I am the wrost and i can never forgive myself.

I will become a good person not by just avoiding bad things. I need to do good things to become good. And I ask Allah that He helps me, and makes me, do good things.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved. I don't want to envy anybody, I want to love everybody. But when anybody does anything wrong, hurts me or any of my friends, I can't tolerate that. I am usually quiet ... usually taken as calm. I don't like telling people thing like 'you have never seen my anger' or 'you don't know who I am and what I can do'. Even I don't know things like these but I know one thing - Allah is with me and with all people who are dear to me. I am forget some personw ho troubles me, my friends my forgive a person who troubles them, but I can't guarantee that Allah will forgive. He is just and He takes into account every deed done by a person.

I simply can't understand how people can even think of hurting or causing trouble to anybody. How can they ever forget that Allah is watching them? I like learning things from everything I see and experience but this time its not affordable. I can't hold my and my friend's respect at stake.

A day wasted

I don't remember doing anything today. Just helped my mother in washing some clothes, brought some snacks from outside, went for shopping in the evening, missed prayers and slept for many hours. That's what I actually did today - sleeping. It was a lousy day; I didn't feel like doing anything. Read Young Muslim Digest for sometime. The articles I read were from Arab News and The Guardian. Nothing much ariginal from the editors fo the magazine.

My father and my brother had to buy some clothes. My father asked me to accompany them and we all 4 took along. Then at the shopeI was asked to buy a shirt for myself and I did. Then we went to the tailor, spent soem time there. He also happens to be my father's friend. He was telling me about his sons who are studying in Australia.

I had a lite dinner and I will sleep a little early today. I plan to study for sometime tomorrow morning. I really don't know if I am going to study or not!

I think even my post for today is the same as my day today - boring!

What does 'being alone' mean?

This is my second post for today - just felt like writing something about today evening. I went to a friend's house after Asar prayers. Other friends joined us and we had the iftaar meal at Pizza Hut. We were 9 people there. I had almost 6 slices of pizza - more than one slice more than what I had on Friday.

We bought some softdrinks outside and went to Jubilee Hills. We were 8 people now on 4 bikes. The ride on the empty streets was too good. Some of my friends were upto some non-sense and they started shouting. After some good riding we reached KBR park. We had the drinks standing in the parking place. Then we took to the walking track. I, along with 3 others kept a distance from the other 4 who were too weired and illmannered to be had as company. Somehow time passed and we were on bikes again.

We reached a friend's house around 9:30 pm. Its pretty close to my house so I was comfortable here. We took many pics here and had lots of useless talk. It was good - got to have a lot of laughing and shouting. But I was me - and I didn't forget that.

I have so many friends and they are so different. Each of them teaches me something. Even if he is not doing something good, I learn from him that I shouldn't be doing that bad thing. Sometimes I appreciate some people's company and sometimes I prefer staying away. It was fine today even though I didn't like a few things. Nobody makes me feel bad; I am respected, never laughed or joked at. So as long as this continues, I am sure I will never have any problem.

But among all the friends I have, my group at the college is best. I am at the best of my comfort lavels with them and I really love their company. . . . . but even this won't last for long. Less than 2 years is all I have. I lose them after that. They will take their own ways and I will take mine. Nobody knows who is going to remember whom - I will never forget anybody. I shall remember every time we all spent together, every nice talk we had, every online chat we had ... everything.

I had a holiday to CL today. I woke up at 11:30 am after sleeping at 7:15 am. I did a lot of small things after that and even got a hair cut. I feel relaxed now. A lot of weight form my head is gone now!