Monday, March 26, 2007

If it is done again ... Allah help me

I was reading a book around 9:30 pm and I don't remember when I fell asleep. I woke up by myself a little after 10 pm and kept my eyes closed. I felt as if I was still into the book with just only one thing running in my head - money. The book is about money. My parents were calling me for dinner but I was so much into the ideas of the book spreading within me that I was hardly bothering to respond to them. I finally had dinner and came in front of the 17 inch screen at 10:45 pm.

I don't feel like writing about when I woke up in the morning and when I reached the college. It makes me feel guilty as I wasted a lot of time and I know I am going to do almost a similar things tomorrow. I spent almost the whole day with my friends. There was a class in the morning which I missed; I reached the college when it was getting over.

In the evening, around 5 pm I accompanied my friends to Taj Banjaara where they were booking the place for farewell party. The name of the hall booked is 'Anjuman' and the date decided is the 5th of April. And as I have already said, I am away from everything.

My friends have been asking me about it. Today I told my parents that it can be possible that any of my friends would call them to ask why I am keeping away from it, and I asked them to tell that they have no idea about anything. They had the same question my friends were asking - "who do you want to skip the party?". They even said that I won't get such chances again in my life. I don't agree with them. There are bigger things I value.

It has been a quiet evening after I reached home; just had some talks with m parents about the farewell and I stay with myself. I had been thinking about my friend who tried to convince me to come to the party. I felt bad I had to stick to my word. I can't explain how I feel every time I am tell a 'no'.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Heavy in my heart

I had quantitative analysis at CL today and we studied Permutations. It was a bit tough and cumbersome. I even got the next packet of preparation books. The tension is beginning to build up with November nearing. This might seem ludicrous for any person who is not writing CAT! Time is moving fast and it is faster especially at times when things begin to appear threatening.

I just now set the washing machine for 'spin'. I had my clothes long back but totally lost the track of what was going on in the house after having dinner at 10:15 pm. My brother reminded me that I had to finish the washing thing. The machine is showing some problem when ever it is set for all the tree functions at once - wash, rinse and spin. I am doing the last one separately.

In the evening I had been to my grandmother's house. Last Sunday I took mu uncle's CR writer and I had to return it. I spent more than 2 hours there and felt the sorrow left by my grandfather's death. It is more than two months now but whenever I go there I still get a feeling that he is still in the house, in his room. We have not yet cleared his things - we didn't get the will to do it. But it hurts more when I see his bed and his table with all his medicines and books arranged they way he used to keep it. A layer of dust shows that he hasn't touched them for two months now.

I remember reading a quote. I read it long back, but recollected it just yesterday. "In three words I can sum up everything I have learnt about life. It goes on." Maybe I have moved on in my life, but past is always recorded in our brains and we can seldom erase it. I miss my grandfather. He was one of the dearest people in my life. I will miss him till I die.

We see some things and we perceive that it has no light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen a few myself but every time this happened, light came in from somewhere. Perhaps that quote means more than what really it makes apparent to me. Greatness of Allah is beyond any measure.

I had 'nahari' in the dinner. There was some chicken too to make the dinner perfect. I didn't eat much even when there was so much offered. I don't have an answer why I didn't. Something seems to hurt me and the problem is that I don't know what it exactly is. Calling myself a fool can't be a good thing to do now. It can make more sense if there was nothing like love.

I have been giving myself some extra doses of Hindi songs. I have lost many English ones to the crash of my computer's operating system and now, the only numbers I could assemble on the drive till now are the ones given to me by one of my friends and a couple of CDs I had made long back. Songs from DDLJ and some remixes are finding me enthralled!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

My word

I reached home at 8:45 pm today. I had been to college with not very clear reasons. I had some work in the lab with OOSD. I spent some time in the library and some of it in the canteen. I reached my grandmother's house at 2:40 pm, had lunch, and slept for an hour.

Sometime back I returned from a walk with my father. I asked him if we could go out, he agreed, and we did. We had tea at a near by hotel and he smoked a cigarette. I thought of telling a few things but refrained from them. I was lacking courage. But I did talk about something that helped me know what he thinks about the thing I wanted to talk on. I understand I am being idiosyncratic saying all this as it must not be making any sense, but it is just what I mean to write here.

Yesterday in the evening I took a ride on my father's new two-wheeler. It was simple and I could handle the vehicle with no much trouble. I just need to have a little idea about the application of brake. Or I should say, I need to let myself know that this vehicle has two brakes unlike a car, and the one I must be frequently using is the one near my right foot and not the right hand.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Tendentious. Oh! Is it?

I have been thinking about today's posting since afternoon because I told a few of my friends that I would be writing the reason for not willing to be a part of the farewell party preparations and also the party itself in today's post. The poignancy is that I don't have a single valid reason for the said thing. This puts me in a predicament and should I try to justify anything, it would be simple prattling on trivialities. I don't possess any dexterity to give elucidations on what all I say, but I do know what I am saying and I stand by it as long as I find myself judicious.

Chocolate and coffee are two delicacies I love to live on. I like coffee for its exuberantly enthralling taste and chocolate for several reasons including a few emotional ones. I love chocolate when it is luscious, pure and thick. I like taking it little by little, enjoying every dot of it that enters my mouth. I enjoy it till it takes me to a pinnacle of joy - the joy that be obtained by eating something; I can't mean anything more than that; I can't in fact - and after that I am done! I never take more than a mug (400 ml) of coffee in a day - as long as I don't have to keep myself awake for long hours - and so I never reach any form of self-palpable apex with coffee.

At times it so happens that I don't feel like eating chocolate even when I haven't tasted it for hours. I underscore the word 'feel' here. I always believe that it is several times easier to feel than to think and so, I find it appropriate to underscore this word in this given context. Coming back to chocolate - some times I simply don't feel like eating it. Simply.

Music has always been a weakness of mine. In general I hate rap but I find 'walou', 'peelo' and 'mocking bird' somewhat amusing. I don't put the tracks by Linkin Park under rap. I am more penchant towards numbers with good lyrics and a good low bass - beats. And obviously, the songs I listen to are more centered to the kind of feelings I have within me. I highlight the word feelings here! And there are times when I don't feel like listening to any songs - no matter how good they are. Feel ... I am sure the point is made again about this word.

Sometimes I don't feel like eating food in spite of being flummox as to why I 'feel' so. Then there are moments of undefined temptations when I feel like not keeping my eyes open! Some times I don't feel like breathing though my nostrils. Maybe if I push my brain a little further I can give a few more such immutable or irrevocable feelings I experience or perchance, keep experiencing. Feelings ... !

In a similar way I don't feel like being in any link to the farewell party which most of my batch mates and friends are organizing for the seniors who are spending their last days in the college at this time of the year. I don't have a reason for this that can be perceived by any other person but me. May be even if I had somebody who could be called my alter ego, I am half-sure that that person too could have not understood my reason. And after all, it is a feeling, and feelings seldom find any reason for their existence.

This, whatever termed as - reason, unreasonable reason, ludicrous feeling, inanity, or anything - is my justification for keeping away from the above said event. I have nothing against any person involved in it, I am not bringing any truths of religion into this, I don't want to be sanctimonious, it is just a show, I don't want to put forward any excuses, I don't want to make any person coming back to me asking for money and me telling that I would be giving it the next day even while knowing that I would not be doing that, and I don't want to cheat anybody including me.

It won't make any difference if I am not there in the party. There were innumerable such occasions till now in the past and all of them were without me! And I am not a best friend or a closest friend of any person that would make him or her skip the party because I am not going to be there. It is plain and simple - things will go the way they have to indifferent to my behavior.

After the Friday prayers I had my lab internal test for Computer Graphics. I took a little help from a friend sitting beside me in clarifying a few things I was unsure about and I suppose it accounts for cheating. But I don't know if I should feel guilty for it. I don't feel it. I think I could have done the two programs perfectly well even without those clarifications. But they saved some time. Having a friend sitting beside always makes me talk. I would be sinning if I don't call it cheating if it really is. And if it really is, then maybe I should recheck my fundamentals.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Boundary

Yesterday I went to bed at 12:30 am after turning the computer off at 12. I didn't know what to write. Even now as I type this, I do not know what I am going to have in the next sentence.

Right from yesterday I was not completely sure if I was going to the college today. Today morning a friend called and I stayed back home. I had a full breakfast after many days. I have been having a banana, a fried egg and a mug of coffee daily. Last three days I took some other thing and not coffee. Its getting hot here with temperatures soaring day by day. After the breakfast I spent some time in front of the computer and went to sleep again. I slept for more than 3 hours. I felt bad I wasted too much time.

Tomorrow I have a lab internal test in Computer Graphics. I still have to start studying. The test is int he afternoon after the Friday prayers so I guess I have time. This very thing - "I have time" - is the worst thing that always happens. I don't think I need to further explain why I say this. It is pretty apparent.

Yesterday a company named Embedded Infotech selected some students from 3rd year CSE and IT branches. We had an aptitude cum technical test. Many must have qualified given that the test was simple enough. But only a few selected students were shortlisted. One of my friends too was there in the list. The next round saw a technical interview. He couldn't somehow manage that. I told my parents about everything. In contrast to my expectations, they didn't react the way I thought they would.

I was in the college yesterday till 6:10 pm. I had a class at CL from 6:30 pm. It was a workshop on quantitative analysis and we discussed Arithmetic topics like percentages, profit & loss, time-speed-distance, allegations and a little more. I reached home around 9:30 pm. In the mean while both my parents called me at least 5 times. They forgot that I had a class in the evening. I had earlier in the day called up my brother to inform him about the same. And when my brother told my mother that I had a class, she didn't understand it! I had to do a bit of controlling of my anger.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Priority

Today afternoon along with 3 of my friends I went to Durgam Cheruvu. We just sat on its boundary wall and didn't enter the lawns. We cracked lots of jokes, had some fun on our way back at 'Metropolis', and I reached home just before 6 pm.

Yesterday evening we had a small dinner party at a cousin's house and by the time I reached home it was 11:30 pm. Earlier yesterday, I went to watch the movie '300'. It was nice. But I have seen better movies!

And the reason why I wasn't updating my blog is that my operating system crashed completely on Friday and I lost more than 60 Gb of data. I can get a few things back, but a good part of it can never be recreated. I lost some things I have been collecting for the last 2 years and more. I still had my operating system back in its original form - thanks again to Hewlett Packard.

I don't know what to write. If I start typing the whole week that went by, it will take at least 2000 words and I, perhaps, don't have that much patience now! I am a kind of egoist today, I don't feel like sharing much. But I can definitely tell that my father bought a new two-wheeler on Friday. It is Honda Eterno.

I have my second internal tests starting in the next week and the lab externals from 16th of April. The finals will begin on 25th.