Afterwards

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
-Mark Twain, Extracts from Adam's Diary(1904)

It's 11:12 pm now. Too early for me to go to sleep. I was with my parents all this time and they have left for sleep. I wanted to talk to somebody. Anybody known to me as a well wisher could do. I came online for that. I thought I could at least talk to my brother but he seems to be busy. But now I ask myself, for how many more days or months am I going to find myself searching for people to talk to me. Why did I not learn to keep myself pleased at all times?

But that is not the case always. I know that once I finish writing for today, I will be a different person waiting for different things. I am my best entertainer. I can wait for hours without complaining. It's just this desire to have somebody to talk that comes up every now-and-then. InshAllah someday I will find a way to get over it without the need to write a blog.

I did find some time for productive work today. I reached college just in time to provide the keys of a classroom whose responsibility I had taken under me yesterday. I still remember saying those words to the head of the Computer Science department: "I will take the responsibility, sir". I know I was late in the morning. It was 8:28 AM in my phone when I opened my eyes and I was there in the college at 9:51 AM. I have no idea why I remember these times so well. The other thing I did was walking with my friend to all the places he was going to for official work. I had nothing else but to follow him. I am happy with that.

It was long back that I had thought of conducting an event of my own in the fest currently going on in my college. I had never been serious with it until I had a pleasant coincidence. I reconsidered my blurred plan and so I had the event's posters ready. One of the faults I made was of forgetting to think about why students participate in an event of a contest. I gave some thought to that today and I felt myself as self centered and egoistic. I hope to write here that I have learnt a lesson but with all my heart, I am yet to. I am also in no mood to think about what kind of perception one could get after reading all this. Some knowledge and understandings don't come so easily and inherently.

I still wish to find somebody before tomorrow's morning who would talk to me for a while. I would sit and listen as well. I just found a friend online but the chat is too broken to be considered as a talk. And yes of course, things will be different when tomorrow starts as a continuation of the today. And there won't be that need or even a memory of it before such a desire pops up yet again. And I will continue to remind myself that there is something I am yet to learn

So Sweet

You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile.
-Gladiator, Marcus Aurelius

It's 12:12 AM and I have never felt more tired than now. I didn't do any big things or productive work today. I just spent a lot of time with my friends trying to do what they were doing. There was no desire within me that needed any special attention and focus to be satisfied. There was a need for company and smiles. I had plenty of that and I hope to go to bed as a happy man. Tomorrow will be another day, a continuation of the day I had just lived through. New days come to those who aren't satisfied with their present ones.

I have sent my transcripts and other documents to four universities till now and InshAllah I will have one more completed shortly. It's all just wait and see now. If Allah wills, I will sure get an I 20 and then it's the consulate. Obviously Allah decides and I pray. Satisfaction is not the only thing I ask for. I find difficulty in twisting and turning my mind in the directions others think. I only simulate and learn. That's what that takes a lot of thinking and time inherently.

It's 12:20 AM now and I know it will be a great thing if I leave for bed immediately. Yesterday I slept after 4 AM - I was waiting on the bed after 2 AM. The day before that it was around 3 AM again. It was 4 AM before that. And it's all only one thing - the immense need to explain myself why I feel what others around me don't and why I am dumb enough to feel so. But like a rational person, I always tell myself that there are several reasons to be very happy and they all prevail. And I succeed. It's 12:23 AM.

Diplomacy

We must have strong minds, ready to accept facts as they are.
- Harry S Truman (1884-1972)

There was a bus standing in the middle of the road near the Barista at Banjara Hills. When I saw things from close, I stared at a dead body lying in the middle of the street covered with a blanket. I could only see the dark feet of a man who must have just been overrun by that bus. I know I have grown sullen and callous with these kind of things. There are other things that trouble. I wonder if there are really things I need to change with my premises.

These days I am finding myself to be more conservative than the people I see around. But I still can't have a plug on what all I think and how far I think. I am not aggressive unless I loose my cool. And coming to my temper, I am having a terrific time with it! There is lesser control than before and lot many reasons why it's increasing. Nothing is wrong with the reasons that make me angry; it's me.

Some problem still comes from my ego and pride. I am kind of getting addicted to me. Just because I am not criticized on my face, I should remember that I am not clean and pure. Just because I don't find faults in me, I shouldn't forget that there is a bigger probability now. These are simple reminders for me and writing them down definitely makes me feel better and stronger.

Organize And Execute

Optimism means expecting the best, but confidence means knowing how you will handle the worst. Never make a move if you are merely optimistic.

A couple of days back I saw the news telling about some officer at HP's office being prosecuted for rape and murder of a female employee committed in his office. The charges on him say that he is responsible for the crime even when he has not committed it just because it was inside his office and he is in charge of that place. Even the Supreme court of India is supporting those claims. I agree to what their idea is. And I hope they will apply the same logic on a bigger scale. The watchman of that office must also be taken into account, the police inspector of that locality too should not be left, the Chief Minister of that state should also be held responsible, and the Prime Minister of the country too. When a CEO is responsible for a crime committed in his company, the Prime Minister of India is responsible for all the crime committed in his country. And of course, this also gives a clear signal to these MNCs that they will have problems in India if they hire female employees. And they talk of gender equality!

I looked at our newly fixed curtains and felt something missing. They are maroon in color, with golden and shiny flower like designs on them, properly drawn into the rods and hung on the brown metal holders. The cloth is of very good quality bought from a famous shop in the city. But even then, there looked a very big thing missing making the drapery incomplete. I was also hoping to see this new attraction as grand. But it didn't appear so. Pelmets are missing.

At least five days in a week I get to spend around 30 minutes in front of the television while having dinner with my parents. There is usually one of two specific programs we watch. The first is on Peace TV - talks by Dr. Zakir Naik, Dr. Israr Ahmed or Ahmed Deedat. Sometimes it so happens that a particular talk is repeated on the channel and my father tunes into Star One. I have no track of what time it usually is when this show is aired but it has turned out to be the best comedy series in Hindi I have seen. 'Sarabhai Vs Sarabhai' is too famous to be given an introduction. Apart from some news that flies into the living room from the television in drawing room, this show is the only entertainment I see on television. Of course there are no replacements to the talks by the three great men I have mentioned.

Now it can sound ironic that I write about a religious and an unIslamic show in the same paragraph. I find no reason to feel ashamed. Those are the only things I watch on the television and I am glad I never get carried away by any other idiotic shows. Rarely do I hear the noises of those soaps that have already corrupted millions of minds over the world. And still, if there is anybody disliking the mentioning of the two things in the same paragraph, I would request them to delete all the music and videos of entertainment from their computers' hard-drives for I am sure they must also be having Islamic content on the same disks, on the same platters and who knows, on the same blocks of data on the drive.

Yesterday evening when I was at my grandmother's house I heard my cousins and my brother playing with pillows hitting each other. They were shouting and jumping on the bed. My mother scolded my brother and made him sit with her. I scolded him too for making a fuss there. Sometime later I went to the other room and started that game again. There were six cushions pulled out from the sofa set and we were throwing them in every way possible on our faces. My targets were my brother and a five year cousin. We shouted, yelled, screamed and continued it till my father arrived. I could have kept the game going, but my cousins left the room.

In my prayers there are times when I feel that the words aren't coming from my heart. I see this happening when I miss a few prayers in succession. I do feel guilty and also find it a bit difficult to get back into the rhythm again. It takes time. And there are also times when even while being completely dedicated to my prayers, I find it difficult to give everything to some of the the duas I make. I see that I don't seem to mean what I am asking from Allah. It's then that I ask Him to make me mean these duas. I pray that the requests I am making are truly from my heart because I know that I am supposed to ask for those things. It is just like knowing what is right and asking Allah to make me do it.

Over these years I have come across people who don't always carry their words with them. I have also seen myself who could not always do it. It irritates me. These people irritate me. It's all about having clear priorities, putting them on paper, correcting them time to time and sticking to them always. I don't write things on paper; I write them on my computer. I try to find the difference between important and urgent. I try to weigh the options, also consider if letting a problem occur can be acceptable, see if the solution costs more than the loss the problem can cause, try to imagine what my elders would have done in that event, recollect if there are any experiences I have had or seen others having, and that is when I go ahead with taking action. But when somebody speaks without thinking all this, without trying to find out why I do so and so things, it makes me the most angry who cannot be tackled.

I don't blindly accept what others tell. I am learning to say a 'no' without showing the slightest signs of discourtesy. I cannot bear to stand with those who agree with what all they are told. I am seeing many such people around these days. They listen to their friends, elders or just about anybody and take it as an ultimatum. Why can't they think? Why can't they use their so many years of education? Why can't they put their intellect behind their actions? I consider every human being equally intelligent. Some just don't understand that. They underestimate themselves. I have done it several times on myself. I feel guilty every time I do it.

I find the last few minutes of my day as the most analytical when I start preparing to go to bed. This is when I analyze the day I have spent. I run through all the words I have spoken and heard. I do forget a lot but I also remember many things. I learn. I sulk. But when I wake up to the next sun, I know I am better than what I was yesterday. And when I step out of my house, I keep in mind that there are people out there more intelligent than me, who have seen more life than me and I need to meet them, learn from them and also thank them if possible. I know I am weak and only Allah can strengthen me.

We all every time strongly believe that we are right in what we say and do. It's perfectly fine that way. But what is necessary is that we understand that we can be wrong. The small amount of wisdom which we use will help us be right at least the next time we speak. We make mistakes, the pathos is when we continue it. It's worst when we don't realize it. We are guided by our desire to seek importance and attention. Even that is perfectly fine. But it should be done in more pure ways. Not by just talking. Messages are better conveyed in silence, smiles and tears. More than 80% of effective communication is through body language. But of course, when with friends, it's better to let all that intense so called wisdom go.

And we are so often influenced by our moods. We also have the famous bad moods, lows and highs and frustrations. I used to write them in words and pretend to relieve myself. I know of many who do it. It supposedly should be considered as wise and mature but I know that as long as we have our priorities right and goals fixed, nothing on earth can perturb us so easily. I wonder how many really understand it when they are happy, sad, frustrated, angry or sullen.

Not Again!

When a man sees his end he wants to know there has been some purpose to his life.
- Marcus Aurelius, Gladiator

I am sure the postman of my locality is curious to know why I receive so much mail and why he never gets to see me. I have a thick bunch of letters sent to me by business schools all over India asking me to attend their next phases of selection processes or at least apply to their colleges telling me that I am eligible. I haven't read even one brochure completely till now and I don't intend to. I have also learnt how to say a 'no' on the phone. I still get irritated when I receive calls from people I dont know.

I received my TOEFL and GRE score reports together a couple of days back. It was a pleasant surprise to see that ETS took only 16 days to help me receive my GRE report. But the content was disheartening. It told me that I deserved only 3.0 out of 6.0 in the analytical writing section. After writing GRE whenever I thought about it, I was sure that I would at least make 4.0 there. I failed. Perhaps I didn't write what they were looking for. Perhaps I didn't read their instructions properly. Perhaps I was over-confident.

I had fancied 115 in TOEFL. I was in fact expecting it. When I first saw my score on my ETS's profile, my first reaction was "Hmm! Okay. Sure". I had to accept it but later I realized that I was good and my score should satisfy me. I was happy with GRE though I also had thought of more than 1400 there. There were no big efforts put behind it so I never let even a bit of negativity effect me. I kept thanking Allah and He kept blessing me.

I am frequently reminded of a conversation I heard between my mother and a paternal aunt. It was at least three years back when this happened. My mother was telling my aunt about my early school days when I would go to her office daily after school-hours and she would bring me home in the bus along with my brother. She said that one day I had asked her to buy me peanuts and she didn't. Now, I remember asking my mother for those nuts several times and she did buy them for me, but this particular day it was different. There was a reason she wasn't buying them for me. She had no money with her. And that day I had told her "you don't have even a rupee for me". That was more than 12 years back.

My mother was telling my aunt how time had changed and how different and easy things are now. Today, now, Sunday, the 24th of February, with all that I can put behind my intense feelings, with what all sincerity I can attach to my words, I thank Allah that I am in a position from where I spend hundreds of rupees and I don't have to report that to my parents. I can just ask them for more and they give it to me. There are always reasons why I consider myself to be the most blessed. There are more reasons than the one I have mentioned just now.

I spend hundreds on cell phones, I spend hundreds on shawarmas, I spend hundreds on ice creams and chocolates and the list is enough lengthy. And I am the same guy who once quibbled at his mother for not buying him peanuts worth a rupee. And I am the same guy who knows how important it is to cry to thank Allah. I wonder why some people still consider me mysterious and complicated.

Last Saturday I visited my maternal grandfather's grave. I had been thinking of going there since long and finally got a chance. That was for the first time that I went to visit a grave all alone. I first went to its gate and saw the bolt shut. I came back to a nearby shop and asked the person there if I could open it. He said I could. Then I bought some roses and went inside. It hardly took me any time before I found my grandfather's grave. I didn't know how to react when I saw his name engraved on the tablet. Time was moving fast. I put some flowers there and some on the graves surrounding his. I stood there silently for a few seconds facing the quibla.

Time seemed to race by me. I wanted to stand there longer hoping that I could talk to my grandfather. Deep inside my heart I knew that was never possible. I wanted to be there longer. Something pulled me out. I shut the gate close letting it make the least sound possible and reached my grandmother's home in some time. I was happy I went there but I wasn't satisfied. I couldn't understand what had me leave the place so soon. I could have even prayed in the mosque overlooking the graveyard. I couldn't understand what exactly was going on. The only thing I know now is that I have to visit that place again very soon.

Earlier that day I had been to my school. As I got down at the bus-stand near Cherma's, I could recollect my old days. I entered Gunfoundry thinking about my father's old scooter in which he dropped me for 12 years. I saw the new name of the stationary shop; earlier it was 'Uncle J'. Then I looked at the straight streak of auto rickshaws lined along both walls of that lane. As I crossed the buildings of Rosary Convent I recollected the stairs in front of the catholic church there where I used to play with my friends for long hours. I visualised the parking space which was reduced by some construction activity which never succeeded to its objective.

It was 12 noon when I saw 'All Saints' High School' written high above the building which was separated from me by the sprawling football ground that lay before me reminding me of a scar I still have on my right hand's elbow. I glanced at the corner of that ground where I had skidded causing a thick and bloody bruise on my elbow. It was when I was in 9th standard running after the white ball trying to play this game called football. My only game was to run after the ball and shout whenever my team won. There were some students practicing cricket there this Saturday.

I met the necessary people who gave me the necessary attestations on my memos. I wanted to meet my PT sir and thank him for the discipline he had taught me but I couldn't find him. I met the new Rector there who asked me to stay in touch with the school. I couldn't believe that he was being so polite to me. When I was leaving I tried to see if I could feel any affection for my school. I walked staying close to the railing that had probably stood there for years as the only protection from the playing-ground that was 20 feet below. I could recollect standing there on the walkway in a long queue whenever I had reached late to school.

I saw the place my father use to park his scooter. I saw the speed-breaker that had played a very important role for years. I saw all the places I used to play. I saw the entrance of the church. I saw the steep slope where I used to run. I saw the crowded street because of which I used to come late to school at least once a week. I walked through all these places recollecting my old days.

Then I passed by the bus-stand that was a stop for hundreds of buses but only one of them was for my home. I walked though the wide road I used to walk daily. I crossed it from the same point I used to cross it. I walked on the same zebra-crossing I always used to take. I looked at the red-signal which could be manually operated to stop the traffic for crossing. When in the middle of the road, I looked at the vehicles that were desperately waiting for the green light, in the same way they used to wait seven years back. I walked past all the shops I used to walk then. I tried to feel something. I searched for it inside me. I wanted to find something touchy. Something. At least a bit of nostalgia. Something emotional. At least a bit of it. There was nothing.

Those were the difficult days. There were struggles. There were a lot of tough learning times. There were financial insecurities. There were friends but never closed ones. I am still in touch with a few now but they have all changed and I don't like it. I, myself, have changed. I like that part. I like this comparatively newer life I am living. I will thank Allah again if I get to thank Him enough. I have no doubt seen and experienced what many have seen. I just have some different perceptions. My priorities are different and straighter.

Every inch I get closer to my friends, I know that very soon I will be thrown miles away from them. I still prefer being closer to them. It's all worth the pain I haven't seen yet but could only imagine. Somehow I still find it unfair that I meet some people, stay with them for a few years, then suddenly get separated from them. It looks so, so unfair. I don't complain. It's just the way Allah wants. I only find it hard to swallow.

Some days a friend told me that being lean is a big turn-off. The turn-off was supposed to be the turn-off on girls. And I replied telling that there were better things to look for. So I first had to myself look for better things in me. I did find some. But they were all relative. I don't really know if I am apparently required to have something as a turn-on. I can as well hold a big piece of near-melting dark chocolate in my hands!

Just some days back I ate a complete pack of chocolate by licking it from its foil open and spread on my palm. I was even using my fingers to have it. It was definitely uncivilized on my part; I enjoyed it. Later it was my kerchief that had to bear the stickiness of my fingers and my fingers were still sticky even after I reached home. I know sometimes I can shed my mask of civilization - sometimes, only with chocolate. And yeah, there's more chocolate in the refrigerator right now!

Searching For A Place

Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Is this not why you are here?
-Maximus, Gladiator

With a friend today I went to an office of DHL. They told us about the huge cost we will have to bear if we use their services to send our applications to the universities in US. It sounded a bit dizzy to me when I had to include another $155 to my initial estimates. Though I already knew about this cost I hadn't included, I wasn't expecting the person there to tell us that he would charge us more than Rs. 1,000 for each packect we send. And he was apparently saying that it was after a 50% discount. I remember my other friend spending around Rs. 900. That looks acceptable. The extra Rs. 100 won't make much difference. But when there are six packets, those Rs. 600 can rather be spent on some lunches or fast-food!

Yesterday after reaching home I was tired and wanted to sleep. But there was this feeling telling me how my time would get wasted if I hit the bed. I turned on the computer for a while before my eyes gave up. I had to crash out and wake up after 10 pm. That short time on the computer was the only time I could use the internet yesterday. Later in the night all my pinging took no replies and the connection was down. Today I called up the person and he sent technicians to repair it. The only thing they did was reconnecting the plug from behind. I wondered why I wasn't instructed on the phone to do it when I called their office.

I have so much to write but so little energy to spend. I know if I start things from Saturday now, it will take at least 30 minutes before I finish and I don't think I will be able to stand it. I am tired again and the only things I can do now are sit, listen and read apart from a little typing to chat with some friends who are online. I have many things pending and incomplete. I can make a list of all that. And I badly need to write about the Saturday I spent going to my school and with my cousins in the evening. Then there was also a gap in time I met with something that's going to continue till eternity. I should inshAllah write all this soon.

Replaceable

He sleeps so well because he is loved.
- Commodus, Gladiator

The only reason I update my blog today is the decreasing number of my postings per week. It’s only two or even less than that per week right now. Though they were many interesting and fascinating things I could have written about, I felt they shouldn’t be documented so openly. I can go on as well typing sentences that are understood only to those who were with me all the time; it would still make no sense that I wrote something intangible to most of the readers! But of course there are things worth mentioning.

Today I found some problem with the editing page on blogger.com. It seems to have something gone wrong with the formatting and it’s giving a lot of space between every sentence. I know I can solve it if I spend time but I am in no mood to use my brains. I used some yesterday and gave a satisfying seminar on a topic named ‘Cryptovirology’. It was unlike the project’s seminar where I was gasping for breath and was unable to speak clearly.

Today I was more fluent and less nervous. Because I was thorough with my topic, I hardly had to look at the slides. I just went past everything I wanted to tell in a confident tone. Though when my teammate for less than 7 minutes and one of the lecturers asked us why we were so short, I spoke for less than 10 minutes. Together, we finished the presentation in 13 minutes! I felt good after read the last words from my mind. I knew I had done it well leaving that lecturer no chance to ask us why we so brief. We were on the point and tried to keep it interesting.

Yesterday we went to Ohri’s again. It was the same yet wonderful ‘bull’s eye’ again but also had some spicy ‘chola batura’. The place was full with Valentine’s Day in swing. I felt uncomfortable when my friends left me alone for a while on the table. Then I called up one who was looking at some pastries and cakes at the counter – I needed some male company to fit myself into my own character! I reached home after 6:30 pm and slept till 9:20 pm after which I had to work for the seminar.

I lost my cool today for a short time when in the college. It was only reflected in my louder voice. I somehow understood I was loosing the grip when a friend told me that my tone was louder than expected. We were talking about our college fest, Cynosure, and I had things to speak up on. We have had many such discussions till now and I know there are more to come. We friends are trying to make the event big but only time will decide what’s more appropriate. There are many people with many suggestions, and I am a part of them.