My Keyboard

In the morning my mother asked me to take the house's keys and instructed my brother to go to my grandmother's home if he was left early from his college. Around 2:50 pm when I passed by his college, Narayana Junior College, I saw a few policemen standing there. This is a common feature of that place as eve-teasing is prevalent in that area. When I got closer, I saw broken windows and glass on the floor and the cops were holding rifles. I knew my brother would be at my grandmother's house now. I called him and came to know from that some floor-in-charge of his college had given unpleasant comments on the Holy Quran and the students went berserk. Though the comments ignited the fire, that particular in-charge has always been very strict with the students even punishing them for coming late to the college after namaaz in the afternoons. He was known to punish students badly even after knowing that they were fasting.

I asked my brother all the details in the evening after he came home. I asked him why they broke the college's windows and if shouting yielded anything. I asked him why he was with all those students when he didn't know what the comments were. He said he was just with the crowd.

The lab internal I had today went by smoothly. I had no problem with he programs and in the viva the lecturer asked me to name the topics I had studied. I said about AWT and swing, and I was asked very little about them before I was asked to leave. Even though everybody knows that all the students have the same programs (they have been copied by the lecturers from 'Java 7th Edition') taken from the faculty, but still we are being asked to submit print-outs of them. Today they refused to accept photocopies. I really don't understand what difference it makes if the paper has passed through just a different type of machine to have the text painted on it.

The other day when I was at a restaurant celebrating my mother's birthday I heard the cries of an infant. The voices were coming from the other side of a partition and it after a very long time that I heard a baby crying. It sounded so sweet. It was music to my ears. I know how ironic it is that the sound of a baby crying can be music. My parents were exchanging some giggles between themselves but I heard my name being used. They were talking about a 'time to come' involving me.

Tomorrow I have my Distributed Systems lab internal. I am almost done with the studying with only some reading of syntaxes left over. Unlike web programing and Java, this lab has no book for reference. Though we are doing the coding and creating applications in VC++, are have not been taught that language. It's not so hard to learn it either. Just requires a little patience.

A couple of days back after I wrote in my blog that a long time ago a friend told me that I had changed, I fell into some serious thinking about myself. I am not the person I used to be. I used to be more sensible, calm and quiet. I used to think a lot before talking. Then slowly I began to get defeated by thoughts that being my own self is what I must believe in and as long as I am a good person, I can never say anything inappropriate or do anything unnecessary. I understand it is not a good option to try to be ourselves always. The better thing is to think before everything we do and everything we say.

Before sleep, daily, when I think about my day I had spent, it gives me deep thoughts about what has happened to me. I am joking a lot, I am laughing a lot, I am talking a lot, I have given up the habit of listening to people the way I used to and I have even developed a sense of superiority. I know I have friends with whom I have turned very open, and these are the people I can talk anything to. So I have been taking it for granted that I can talk and do anything as long as I am with them.

Now I don't say that I am losing control over me. But the point is that I am not gaining much either. The words which I used to avoid using are surfacing, I am becoming more blatant, easy-going and I am becoming happy-go-lucky. I am hardly left with any kind of fear for exams and tests. I don't mind losing marks. I am taking attendance for granted. Some serious things don't perturb me. For so many things I am ending up telling myself "aaw". This is not how I was and this is not how I want me to be.

The better parts are that I am very much in control of my eyes - I keep them down always. There are still many words that I hear others using and I am alien to them. Giving and taking respect is a part of me - in fact I am a part of it. Realizing where it is my ego and where it is self-esteem is still clear to me. And I still start thinking about all opinions considering me as wrong and then go on to correct myself if there is any need for the correction - this makes me think. I still sort out all misunderstandings with my friends and I never play double-standards with them. At least I am not cheating anybody. I am still being myself - I just need to grow more.

So many times I keep telling myself that I should be a good person. So many times I just tell myself that I am going away from the right path. But telling is not enough. Even writing it all here is not enough. Some dumb might ask why I am sharing all this - that writing such things has become a matter of pride and fashion for me. I won't care for those who fail to understand the essence of my writing (as if I know!). There are some posts directed at others and the rest directed at me. There are some who don't understand what I am writing and there are some who ignore. The last two types are a lot better than the previous ones.

I see the difference in how people used to be with me when I was in the first year of my engineering and how they are to me now. I have made several new friends who are closer than the old ones and I have no complains. I move on, others move on, but it confuses in how people change. It confuses even more when I change. It was slow and I need to change again. I have to regain the respect and the image I once had. I need to lessen the amount of talk and reduce the volume of my laughs. I will start from these two. It's all confusion in here again.

Ciphertext

Yesterday we celebrated my mother's birthday at a restaurant away from the noise of the city. It was somewhere near Gachibowli and we liked it. The newly laid tar roads made the ride to that place a smooth experience. Just before leaving for dinner I had a conversation explaining my brother about the importance o formal dressing. He was wearing a horizontal stripped t-shirt with sport-shoes. Later I made him stand with my father, mother and myself to make him realize how separated he was looking. I matched my red shirt with my mother's red dressing.

I have my web programming lab internal in about 9 hours from now. I spent a lot of time reading Java from the text book which included many programs and also revised the HTML and XML parts. My performance will largely depend on how I will go through the programs just before the test and how much I retain. This the first time I spent so much time on Java and I enjoyed it. Wednesday I have a test in Distributed Systems which shouldn't be much of a problem to me.

I discussed a possibility of me doing MBA in France with my parents. After learning from my uncle how good a place Europe is and about the demand for engineers it has, I did get excited. But later I myself realized that studying there would be too expensive. Even my parents said the same. I can look for scholarships but I don't know how much it can really be feasible. I might think of going there after all my studies are completed. I had once considered learning French and had also enquired about it from Alliance Francais, I will consider that again after a few months now.

Coexist

There was a pretty odd feeling I had after writing the last post. When I started writing it I had no idea where it was going to lead me. I had my objective in my mind and I was using the 'instincts' idea just as an example just to explain something else. It was for a friend and we had a chat on that today. We have a chemistry between us that allows to to discuss long topics just as examples and explain ourselves some points and then come to the objective. It's like tuning the thinking in the right direction and then moving the vehicle to its destination. There was something for him in the last paragraphs and I felt nice after discussing it with him. There was nothing else in that post.

I was having a chat online with my cousin who is right now on a European trip. Today he is in France at my uncle's place. He has spent 10 days in Amsterdam and in a few days he will be back in Bishkek where he is doing his medicine. We couldn't meet when he was leaving Hyderabad. He was waiting for his passport and he left for Amsterdam the moment he got it. My uncle who lives in France is asking me to do an MBA from there and he said he can help me get into a good college he knows. I wonder how that would be. I dread ending up at Infosys. I am ready for anything better than that. Allah knows best.

I was in the college till 4:15 pm. I have two lab internals next week and I was preparing for them in all ways I must - right from collecting the programs, arranging them and studying them. I am done with one of the two lab's programs but still the printing part is left which I shall finish tomorrow. Things have become a bit tough with my printer's cartridge not working properly. And I am in no mood to spend anything on that.

For Wisdom!

Every human being at the bottom of his existence is the same in all features - from the basic structure of the DNA, sophisticated emotions, to the highly disguised human instincts which are more or less on the visible nature similar to those of animals but domesticated by civilization and the faith in God. Human nature is very fundamental with its roots resembling that of animals but as the complexity grows - layer upon layer - man's basic structure turns into civilization.

In broader terms, animals live to further their species - to keep their kind alive. Their instincts for survival make them hunt or search for food and defend themselves from adversities in the best way possible for them using their abilities provided to them by God. They can do anything to protect themselves from threats - anything possible for their kind. To further their species animals regenerate or reproduce in some form and sometimes in a form unique to their species. It's their necessity to have that nature else they would be wiped out. Their instincts help them survive.

A human being is a lot similar to his fellow creatures of the planet. But as God said that he is His best creation, civilization, culture and emotions among other things differentiated him from the wildness of the lower creatures. Man has layers of domestication built upon his basic instincts of survival; each layer creating his individuality and the top most layers showing his individuality. The sophistication and complexity of every layer defines his abilities to hide his basics and gives gradual domestication to his 'wild' instincts. Ultimately he becomes human; a social being.

A man's programming starts even before his birth depending on the movements inside the womb, the voices heard, the quality and type of nourishment given, the genes of parents and their emotional and psychological characters. In short, a man starts getting domesticated even before his lungs start functioning in the open air. He is reared and nurtured in the society that tells him right and wrong and makes him believe what the society believes in. He is socialized. He is brainwashed. And when he learns about God, he learns faith and accepts God's word as the way of life.

But no matter how much he gets surrounded by culture, he keeps his basics inside him - sometimes controlled, sometimes neglected, sometimes unseen and sometimes set loose. From time to time as he grows he learns about his urges - some which he understands by himself, and some the society makes him understand and he decides to take them for granted. He learns that he can fulfill some urges and ignore others. His faith in God helps him with what is right. He grows developing layers on his basics - making himself more complex and more sophisticated. He gathers knowledge and learns wisdom.

At various points in his life he is shown the right and legal ways to fulfill some of those urges which were otherwise found to be unacceptable. He comes to an age from where he can stay alone, earn his own living, and drive his own car if taking an 'ultra-modern' example explains it better. He comes to an age from where he can guide his own life, take his own decisions and work out his future. Thinking of future for a human can perhaps be a highly sophisticated idea which animals might never exhibit apart from their need to reproduce.

This civilized man becomes wise, mature and intelligent. Intelligence can be found in animals but maturity and wisdom are exclusive to human beings. He learns to teach; he learns how to learn. The growing layers make him more complex and more human-like. He still keeps the basics within him. He finds newer and ‘safer’ ways to fulfill them. For instance dancing can be taken as a man's desire to loose control over his body. He likes being free of discipline and mannerisms and he likes dancing. It is found in many communities perfectly acceptable to dance. It is an instinct being exploited - all under the name of civilization.

Instincts are exploited 'soberly' by the ways of calling them trends and fashions, by creating competition in wearing clothes, by calling the show of skin as aesthetics and even by legalizing what could be the most critical of instincts. This has become a part of the civilization. The man in general has been made to believe this as acceptable.

A man can never work against his nature. Neither can a woman of course. Men and women have always been partners. Men, for women are the most important and interesting objects and women, for men are the most important and interesting objects. This character trait is not by choice, ethics or culture. It is inevitable and necessary for the survival of our species. The idea can be presented in a mature way pulling it under the blankets of culture and religion, but instincts remain the same. They are controlled and domesticated.

Working on the upper layers of our behavior, a man or a woman for that matter can never be understood under absolute terms. Take for example the mannerisms - our behavior while being with our parents and siblings is more natural than the one we present in front of outsiders or acquaintances which is more of a manipulation. It is acceptable. It is civilization and not cheating of any sort. But there are of course men who pretend to be gentlemen but are not. I find behaving as a gentleman with an intention to become one is alright, but behaving so to deceive others or hide some character traits is a violation of ethical values a man can keep. This is as intimidating as it can get - with the sophistication of the layers.

A man exhibits his instincts in softer and 'acceptable' ways. The thrill experienced with courtship, the excitement in flirting, the enjoyment in dancing as discussed above, the indulgence in smoking and drinking, the adventure in bungee-jumping, in talking about what love-turned-inside-out is are all examples of the softer ways. But the result is the same - satisfying of primitive urges. Reading novels on romance, enjoying raunchy jokes, sometimes men talking about women and women talking about men, discussing how fascinating violence can be, appreciating near-naked wrestlers, watching beauty contests, and every act that is termed civilized but appears inside the ‘filtered’ or ‘screened’ content is again an example how society decides how the basic human instincts can be fulfilled without being objected.

Lobbying in the corporate worlds, politics, using emotions to befriend people, researching on what humans like so that businesses can be flourished and money be made, studying human psychology to manipulate men, teaching youngsters how to woo the opposite sex and using preferences and tastes to dictate laws can all come under scrutiny if we question the widely accepted ideals of the society. These might be refutable but are seldom criticized as they have become an important part of our being. Calling ourselves modern, we have learnt to fulfill our desires alongside remaining respectable.

All this might be exactly what humans are. The sophistication might grow into the unimaginable and we will continue to find more decent ways to exhilarate the animal within us and satisfy it. We might become more sensible in our outlooks and more charming in our etiquettes. We might have our individual personalities, preferences and tastes, likes and styles. But deep within in some way or the other we would just be living our instincts.

I started thinking about all this considering the behaviors of some of my friends and even me. I am not writing anything to play down on anybody. It's all just to share how I am perceiving it. I really don't know how much I hide about myself from my friends. Some time or the other I have shared every big thing with every person who is a good friend of mine. But I understand not all do this and I accept such behaviors. I don't mean I like my own friends doing such things with me - it definitely hurts when I come to know that something was hidden from me because some instincts like ego and pride were playing big. It gives me a lot of pain whenever somebody uses me to exhibit his instincts - even unintentionally.

Some people can do anything to become successful - success defined here only for them in the way they like it. They are very intelligent but deep down they are very much human. They hide with no reasons of hiding. They have in them something I fail to understand. I wonder how they can remain happy without having very close companionship of friends because we get such friends when we share things which are too intimidate at times. I am not defining friendship. I am just reminding myself of how I can be. I am analyzing the fact that I might be going in the wrong direction. I have never been questioned on my friendship. Rarely do people tell me that I must change something in me. But I remember once a friend telling me that I had changed. Now I know that change was good.

All this can be a big discussion. I have posted a large part of today's post of Flowing Emotions. I think even that blog deserves something and I wanted today's words to be well-read. When I started preparing for CAT long back I thought that there would be some people with me who could help me with some topics. I know I am terribly bad at some sections and I need a lot of help. I was thinking that I would have at least somebody with me to help me. One by one so many of my friends stopped preparing for CAT. And I am left alone with very little motivation. I am not blaming anybody. It all depends on me. I just feel sad that there are intelligent people who can help me but I don't know whom to ask for.

I might not be going to college tomorrow (Friday). I will stay home and try to study. I hope I find some peace in that. I have reduced the size of my present goal calling it more realistic. I might be cheating myself but I am a lazy bug who knows how to find short-cuts. The success will me delayed but won't be made unattainable. InshAllah.

A Cerdibility Gap

It was my unpleasant handwriting that disappointed me today. I wrote an assignment sitting on stairs for more than 2 hours and that made my handwriting don't look like mine. I have lost my style; in fact I never had any style. It kept changing. I can write with slanting alphabets, with stretched words taking lots of space and even in condensed form. It all depends on how I feel about the subject I am writing and my willingness to spend time on it. It was five marks today that made me write and I knew I would get them even if I had submitted some filled sheets of paper. It raised my eyebrows when I saw the library full with no chair for me to sit.

A couple of days back I found the door locked when I reached home. I had no keys and I had to wait outside sitting in the staircase. I was so tired that I used my bag as a pillow and slept. After 30 minutes my brother came an woke me up. I woke up to a surprise after seeing my brother get puzzled at the way I slept and woke up suddenly. Today he had to spend such time. He did it for almost 2 hours.

Yesterday I realized how silly it can be to have a password to an account, that is unclear even to me. Hotmail.com allows a password of up to 16 characters and I had been using a one of 19 for all my accounts. When I started with this password on this account, the interface allowed me to type only 16 characters but I had typed all the 19 without giving a thought to which of them were being taken. Yesterday when I used a different application to log in to my account, I didn't know my actual password. I could type it only in the hotmail interface and here in this application there was space for more than 16. It's funny how even I don't know my password yet can access and use my account. I have been using this account 2000.

Yesterday my elder cousin was here for dinner and 'iftaar' and 'sehar'. He stayed overnight and left early morning. We again spoke a lot. In the night we watched the movie 'Troy'. This was probably for the third time I watched it. Not to forget several scenes I have seen several times before. It's always nice to have this brother with me. There is always so much to talk with him even when he is eight years elder to me.

When I was in the second year of my engineering a cousin had told me how by the end of my time in the college it will be made clear to me who were my friends, who are going to remain my friends and who were never my friends. When she said this, I tried to recollect the faces of as many friends I could at that time and I found no person who looked like one who is going to leave me. It sounded impossible to me when I heard her saying it. Almost two years after that, now, I know how correct she was. It's not just about who is going to stay with me, it's also about with whom I must stay. I never thought I would become like this. I also understand that there are some friends no matter how much I wish to be with and no matter how much they wish to be with me, we have to part and take our own ways. It feels like a myth to me.

Clusters And Money

I spent a couple of hours today looking for the colleges I must apply for postgraduation in Business Management. In some colleges it is termed as a diploma and in some it is an MBA. I know how I am doing in CAT and the kind of score I might be getting. It's time for be to catch up with the reality. I will be very happy even if I score a little above 90 percentile. I have checked out five colleges I will apply. The rankings given by Career Launcher are in some clusters. I had to give up the first two. I am not sure about the third. But I beleive I can get into any of the colleges that follow in the rest of the clusters.

In any case IIMs ill be applied for along with the CAT application. I will apply for XAT. I will apply in five more colleges after talking to people who can really help me figure what will be good for me. I am looking for something from HR, Systems and Operations, International Business or Infrastructure Planning. I would be willing to work for a company involved in retailing business, pharmaceuticals, building construction or telecommunication. It was long back that I decided of keeping away from IT companies. But if things go that way, I still wouldn't mind. I already have a job that I can take up in Infosys. MBA would be an option after letting that 3.2+ lakhs per anum job go. Money still attracts. Delayed gratification is the preferred deal.

Yesterday I had an elder cousin brother at home. I spent quite a lot of time talking and discussing my next course of action with him. We both spoke a lot. He also told me about his time at the hospital he is studying at. He will be getting married in mid 2008 even before he finishes his formal education. He will still be in the second year of his DNB.

Some days back when I saw my father sitting at the center chair of the dining table, I asked him why he sits there and if he likes feeling powerful by sitting there. He said he sits there because it's just a chair and that he has nothing to do with the power involved in it. He even said that I can sit whenever I want. On Sunday evening my mother asked me to move on the another chair when my father was about to sit. I asked my father if he wanted to sit on the center chair again. He hardly paid attention. All these talks were casual but important. I don't have any special interests in sitting there. I would be equally fine even if my brother sits there or my mother.

We don't have any reservations at home based on seniority in age. While knowing what our duties and responsibilities are, we keep ego and feelings of superiority away from our daily being. I have seen it at other places where children are expected to greet their elders first with 'salaam'. Children are questioned if they don't do it. At my house we believe in the 'hadees' that the one who greets first gets more merits. It's plain religion. We also don't believe in bowing down in front of anybody to show respect neither in raising hands while greeting. Bowing in front of anybody other that Allah is 'shirk'.

The 'In' Things

I had a time with my old friends today. We had plans of bigger things but we ended up with 'shawarma' and 'haleem'. I reached home after 11:30 pm after leaving at 8:15 pm. It was sad that we couldn't go out to any restaurant. I was at a friend's house most of the time.

I am thinking of not writing this Sunday's mock test. I will stay home study and have a bigger hope on the next Sunday's. After scoring 81.51 percentile in the previous one I realized that the way I am going right now needs to be rechecked. This test had multiple correct options for each question and my accuracy was 33%. The last time though it was above 50% my percentile was a bit less. I have to break into 90s to stay in the game. It's a failure in CAT if one can't score above 90 percentile.

On Wednesday there was a lovely 'iftaar' and dinner party at a friend's house. Unfortunately two of our friends weren't present there. We had a good time right from afternoon till 9:15 pm. It was a wonderful evening spent with friends. I know there are less than eight months for us to be together. It's all over after that. We will be on our own ways with only the memories of four fantastic years spent in the college.

Code Green

I had a lovely chat with a college friend just now. We don't talk much but whenever I meet him in the college I know he is not mediocre. He has something different in him that makes me like him. He is applying for MS and has to frame a Statement Of Purpose (SOP) for that. I hoped to help him directly but because I had no idea how exactly an SOP looked like, I went on to explain him the importance of having a purpose in life. I wished I could be of more help to him. I told him how easy it is to have a purpose and write about it when we have clear images of what we are from inside.

I once discussed with a friend about a quote he said - "anything worth learning can never be taught". I remembered reading something like - "you have sit alone; in the corner of a room; think, understand and learn". These things can never be explained to everybody. Not all understand how important it is to spend time sitting in the corner of a room. Not all realize the importance of logical soliloquy. More than half of my day goes in that. And before I head to bed in the nights, I spend time talking positivity with myself.

I had a party to attend in the evening. An old friend invited me for 'iftaar' and dinner. He will be doing his project in Indo-American Cancer Institute and he was telling me how excited he was. He is a student of Bio-Technology. He gave me home-grown mangoes to take home.

Nothing Motivates Like An Insult

When India's cricket match with Pakistan was drifting towards Pakistan, my mother on seeing me very tensed asked me to pray for our victory. I asked her if there was something I can get if my country wins. She replied "happiness". I said that I would rather pray for happiness than a victory. It's the desire and not the object.

I wanted not to react to the comment by Ms. Eloquence. And I am sure it is a 'Ms.'. But having read another comment, from a dear friend this time, I think I should get to some serious writing. He spoke in my defense and he almost got me into tears. He has been one of those who tell you if there is anything wrong you are doing but will stay with you no matter what happens because you are his friend. And I am blessed. The comments are on my post "My Keyboard Is Mightier". http://xubayr4.blogspot.com/2007/09/my-keyboard-is-mightier.html#comments

I don't like eating many vegetables; I don't like so many milk products; I hate curds. Perhaps Ms. Eloquence thought that I would eat her if she faced me directly. Ask any person who has spoken to me, I have never eaten anybody till now. I can write several words here, start a fight, ask many people to talk, but that won't be a part of my objective. If she could come and talk to me directly, I would use all my facial expression, integrate soft smiles, a few laughs and of course some sweet words to let her know that I don't eat human beings. And especially because she is a girl, I would never even think of raising my voice.

The accusation was that I am defaming a girl. I hope I am appropriate in using the word 'defaming'; I don't want anybody to tell me "hey, how can you take up words by yourself? she never said you were defaming anybody."I won't care for such people. I wonder how that girl about whom I have written so much would feel after reading all this; especially after reading that she is being supported by an eloquent person. If I were in this girl's place, I would have done so much. But she is sweet, intelligent and sensible. She hasn't reacted yet.

Some months back - I think it's almost a year now - I wrote a lengthy post blasting at a close friend. I wrote so much about him. He replied with a short comment. He just showed me how much he cared for me and how we are always going to be friends. We never fought. It was a step towards a stronger relationship. I once wrote about another friend too. But we still are friends. We are friends because we respect each other and we know what each of us is. We have spent hours together - in every mood possible. We know we are going to stand for each other. If Ms. Eloquence is playing some proxy with me, I am glad that girl has a good friend to support.

Coming to the support idea - even my friends support that girl. I say that with a smile and a chuckle. Why will I not? I know I have been a lot unreasonable than anything else. But I didn't do anything bad. I just got the first impressions wrong. And they were so wrong that they never let me have more chances. I appreciate the way she took everything. Just that she could have been more straight forward. No matter what I write about her, I respect her. I won't use the word 'love' because I am sure even Ms. Eloquence must have shouted at people she loves in her life. I respect that. Not all of us understand love. Great poets have died trying to put love in comprehension.

When I read the comment first, I wanted to reply with the teasing smiley ( :P ). Then I thought that would make her angry. And I feared that I would loose a reader. I also considered writing "did your mamma not tell you that cowardice is unIslamic?" Then I thought it would sound like a personal comment. I can't make personal comments on people who are good. I should rather go for what they have written.

For long we have read our syllabus books and many others too and all of them have dictated facts on us. We had to accept them and reproduce them. We had to take them as knowledge and learn from them. So, maybe when somebody sits to read my blogs, he/she might think that this is some script that is being enforced on him/her. She would simply fail to understand that they are all perceptions, private words, opinions, emotions - they can never be enforced. I am not writing doctrines here. Neither am I writing lyrics for songs or scripts for any television series.

"Dear young lady, I despised myself because I had to write a truth which was not going to be easy on some throats. I despised myself because I knew I could make somebody feel something wrong. I despised myself because I still respect her. Do you want me to write poems and stories in her praise? If you had known me, you could have read all that. I don't know you but I still respect you. Because I know that like me, even you love (!) your parents, you like good food, you like to spend time with your friends and you too believe in the beauty of future. I respect you for the comment you have left."

Ms. Eloquence spoke about religion. It irks me a lot when anybody hits on the faith in me. I know even I have no idea how much faith I have in me. Allah knows it better. Because I am a Muslim, I took a route through my parents and laid everything in front of them. But yes of course, I should believe in the verse of the Holy Quran "lakum deenukum wali ya deen". I gets translated as "to you your religion and to me my religion". The verse might not be precise on the context but I know it explains what I am trying to tell.

I felt bad when Ms. Eloquence said she was possibly wasting her time and energy when she thought I won't accept her comment. She wanted to tell me something and even if I don't accept the comment, I would in any case read it. Did she want it to be public? It was her decision to write that. Perhaps she was angry at me. I take it as inherently justified.

That last word 'sad' spoke more than just sadness. The last time there was no limit to my sense of humor was around a year back when I was playing even with brickbats. One of my friends always says that my name should have been 'joker'. Now I know reading all this can make her wonder if she can use this to strike at me. I just write this to show that I am not as serious as I look or my blogs look. At home I am called 'junglee', 'devdas', 'strange', and so much. I enjoy that. I couldn't enjoy that 'sad'. I couldn't understand what made HER so sad.

Girls are sweet. They are nice. They are caring. They are hardworking. They are more matured than guys of their age. I often trust their wisdom. I have five of them as very close friends of mine and they have taught me a lot. I have taken their advice all through. Just because I accept their superiority. I am not a chick just saying 'quack, quack' on my blog. I am not laying eggs here. I am putting in words what I feel. If I start writing everything I think, I am sure I will have to bring in bigger animals as examples.

But I don't have any girlfriends. My parents tell me that even if I have a girlfriend I should be proud of that and keep it an open secret. I don't know how much they mean it when they say that, I am never going to to have a girlfriend. That word sounds good but I don't like the idea. Girlfriend. 'yuk'! I have a big smile on my face right now with teeth visible to the computer screen. I have friends and I love them.

I know what it means when we say 'a girl's respect'. I know it means more than 'a guy's respect'. Because we all know and take it for granted that guys are shameless. Now, don't ask me why it is taken for granted. Maybe because they can remove their shirts and behave like Salman khan even when they are no good than Abhishek Bachchan. But I am Syed Zubair Hasan. I can be infinitely boring. But I am not self-centered in the way it was referred in the comment. I wouldn't be writing any blogs if I were self-centered. If I am confronted with, I can show a childish face, give the sweetest possible smile I can make and explain with the tone of my voice that I am not like how Ms. Eloquence perceived me to be.

Wrong From Right

My mother has been planning for a trip to Mecca to perform a pilgrimage since over two years. She got close to even deciding the dates but Allah's wish being the supreme force behind every single event, she is just hoping that someday she makes it there. She has January in her mind, but it's He who decides. It has become a tiring wait for me. I wanted to go there before the end of this year and was hoping to got here with my uncle. The time still has to come. It's verily an affirmation that money is not the only criteria that helps us with everything.

Today I had serious discussion with a friend on my way back home. We were trying to analyse how people tend to think under the influence of their family and how the psychology of parents effects their children. We found interesting things. Perhaps everybody know and understand the fine points but having a talk on them makes things more clear. There was some ideas I couldn't think of but my friend helped me know them. Maybe there were things he came to know because of me of started thinking on them because of me. It pays to have intelligent people around.

Intellect, wisdom, levels of maturity are never quantifiable. But the harsh part is that we don't have any absolute metric to measure them. The interesting point is that they keep fluctuating. I am no exception this. No doubt why we sometimes wonder how even the people we once considered wise behave illogically. It should be perfectly acceptable. But for me it teaches that I should be an exception to it. This is only one of several teachers I hate to learn from. But it teaches important things.

Shine!

When my father asked me if I wanted to have pizza standing outside a mall, I said I would prefer having homemade food. He asked me to have pizza as a snack but after I reached home I understood how three slices can cut my dinner into half. I had a heavy tea after dinner, my nose is blocked right now, my head is aching, and the only thing that keeps me up is the fear of sleep.

I took around an hour to decide the clothes I had to buy, my brother took half of that time. My mother insisted that I take a plain black shirt and a plain white shirt. I took the third one of my choice. When I asked my father for some advice on the trousers, he said he can never do that. But it was he who gave the final words. He also decided the five pairs of socks for me.

I have missed quite a lot of classes in the college and I am afraid if that it can create some problem by the end of the semester. There has hardly been a day in the semester till now that I attended all the classes in both the sessions of a single day. The only best thing is that there are many people with a similar absenteeism. Someday very soon I will have a talk with some lecturers and see if they can help me. A few days back one of them scolded the who class asking us not to attend if we were attending only for attendance. She said she will give it herself.

One of my cousins who is pursuing his medicine from Bishkek left Hyderabad after a long vocation. In the days to come he would be making a trip to Europe where he will spend some time in Amsterdam to attend a meeting on child psychology. He will also make a visit to Paris to meet my uncle there. This uncle who happens to be my father's eldest is the little known part of my family. He has not seen India for more than 28 years now. Telephone has been the only medium between us. Whenever he is asked to come here, he does the same thing with us - he invites us to his house in some place called as Poitiers. Few of us did heed to that.

Another cousin of mine who live in Houston left for West Indies a few days back. He is there to pursue his medicine. He has completed his pre-medicine in US itself and now he has moved a little down towards the equator. The last time we met was 2002. I can never forget 'The Scorpion King' I saw with him. There was also a Hindi movie too we watched together in a theatre at Mehdipatnam and I seriously hope to forget that experience - there was no movement in air when we were in front of the screen.