I take no more than i deserve... still need to learn more

I am beautiful; you have quite good features; she isn’t bad-looking if you like that type.

I thought I won't write for today. But I was reminded that today my friend said "for the first time I found a nice girl in Genpact" so I thought I could mention that. In fact a few days back he had said "there is no stock here". I didn't write about that. Just left it for a chance like this.

It i not at all that I have anything against him and I want to exploit everything he says. I just like bugging him. I hardly do that with anybody else. He does it too with me but he does it on an emotional level. So I have to retaliate it this way - by just making it public whatever he says. And he says amazing things regularly.

It was a busy day for us. We learnt a lot again. I am enjoying all this and liking it too. There is of course a difference between liking and enjoying. I am not going to assess that here today. I reached home at 10:20 pm. I had missed my cab and I had to walk a long way before I could get a bus.

bold, italic, publish, save, draft ... more

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.

- Marcus Aurelius

Sometimes I don't have anything to write but I feel like writing. Writing even poems becomes simple. Something gives a reason I don't understand. It is not inspiration I know. It is pain and I don't understand it too.

As I have always believed that some things happen for the first times in our lives and it is nice that they happen. Yes, it is nice. But it can be painful. Torturous at time. Unhealthy for the future. They may excite me for the moment but they don't turn into words easily and so, I can't get lucid. It is serious. Those things are serious. I am serious.

Sticking on to something can be tough. Especially when I have spent some years in believing an idea contrary to the present one. I knew grief was somewhere around but didn't know it would strike this way. So brutally and so cleverly. It happens to perfection, creates reality that can't be thought as vague even if it is so; it happens as Allah commands. And He does it beautifully. No doubt. I sit and talk to myself and to Allah.

It was once of those things I had to get over and I was thinking that time would help me out. Here time seems to hunt me down. Perhaps it knows the future and it is preparing me for it. I really don't know what it is. I would reather fill all of today's post with the words "I don't know what is going on". All I can see is a systematic series of events, I had once ruled out thinking them to be foolishness, taking place at the apex of my emotions.

I can't explain intutions. I wish I could at least write them down. It could be so pathetic. But they were not exactly intutions. They were rather cognitions; my imaginations I had created to entertain myself. This would sound unimaginable. Even the presence looks the same to me. I can take things as they come. But its not as easy as it looks. Maybe it is. The mood I am right now says it is not.

I cannot always show it

The individual who has experienced solitude will not easily become a victim of mass suggestion.

— Albert Einstein

Today I had arguments with my mother twice. Once in the morning and once in the evening. Int he morning when I said that I wanted to take the car to the college, she didn't let me do that. In the evening because she said that I was missing classes at CL and that she doesn't really understand why I am going to Genpact. I didn't know what to explain her. She keeps repeating that I don't understand her. I don't make any attempts to make her understand me. Its a two-way process and its not taking place well.

I was at home the whole day. I didn't step out of the house for even once. This Saturday, is perhaps is the first Saturday that I have stayed home the whole day. For once it gave me the feeling of a Sunday too. The home-made food in dinner reminded me that its not. I had 'tahaari'. It was fine but I didn't like it much. The reason I didn't go to my grandmother's place is that she was at my aunt's house at Malakpet the whole week and she returned home just a couple of hours back.

Today there was some program I was supposed to attend in the college. When my mother didn't allow me to use the car I was a bit upset and I went back to bed. I woke up after 12:30 pm. I did want to got here. I wanted to be with my friends for sometime. When I called one of them to find out if they were going to be there in the college for some more time so that I could come, he replied in negation. I didn't go. Maybe even he didn't know that they were going to stay there for another two hours after I made the call. I felt a little bad. I move on.

Somethings don't let me move on this way. They keep coming back again to present themselves as if they are an integral part of my destiny. They tell me that my past won't bury so easily. What I came across eight years back looks as though it will haunt me all through my life. Maybe the word 'haunt' is in its improper use here. I might as well perhaps call this as a punishment - of some divine sort. I don't know what it is but it hurts.

Today when I lay myself on the bed thinking about going to the college, I came across this thing that brought tears in my eyes. I didn't know I would cry on it taken that I regret its occurrence. It was not that simple wetness in the eyes. I had tears rolling from both the eyes and my heart hurting me. I fell asleep. I was fine when I woke up. I had moved on then.

Then I got to talk to a cousin of mine who gave gave me a news that apparently seems as the most exciting of all the things I have heard in my recent past. I still do not know how to react to it. It looks silly. I feel like laughing for once. And I feel like shouting. I wish I could cry on it - the tears won't come on this occasion. The news has some string attached to it that states that it may silently bury itself. But there are more chances of a 'move ahead' scenario and I want that to happen. If I exaggerate, I can call it my destiny and accept it. But terming that way would sound naive. Perhaps no. What else is destiny then?

Tomorrow I plan to go to my aunt's house and spend time with my cousins. it has been long since I met them. In fact I was supposed to be there today but we found it better suited for tomorrow. I have many things to talk to one of them. Today my father had said that we would go out for a drive today but he postponed it for tomorrow. Thats is among the important things too. CAT is always there as a background process.

Scripts, registries and codes!

The wheel was man’s greatest invention until he got behind it.

— Bill Ireland

Our college vice principal today was showing contempt for orkut. He said having many scraps and "250 friends" won't help us get through the recruitment process of any company. I smiled. I was among the audience comprising of students from all the branches of engineering who have just finished their 3rd year. We were attending a session of a program spread over several days intended to train us for the forth coming campus recruitment programs.

When I reached home at 2 pm, to my expectations, the door was locked I went the mosque and while returning home, I was intercepted by a young boy perhaps aged around 5 years. I was walking with my head down and he was running looking at the ground. I guess he was playing something and was real excited about it. I saw and slowed down to let him run away. When he realized that I had stopped for him, he looked up at me and said a sorry. I replied with a smile and he ran away.

I didn't expect that 'sorry' from him. In fact it was not needed at all. But I got a feeling within me that said I must talk to him, learn more about him, or do something for him. But he was gone. His clothes said that he was poor and came form from a down trodden family. But his sorry was everything. That was least expected. Whoever he was, I pray that Allah blesses him.

My father arrived around 3 pm and opened the door. I was waiting at the stairs until then. I had a mango and went to sleep. Later after magrib I sat down with books. I started of with Data Interpretation as I have never before gone through it. I have done a little quantitative analysis and English usage part but never this one. I read the first three lessons and realized that even if I go at a constant pace, there is a very long way to go.

The first thing is that I don't have the luxury to keep myself at any constant pace. I didn't go to Genpact today. From tomorrow again I will get busy. I really can't explain how much I wish I could study for CAT and also attend the internship. I don't and will never say that I am sacrificing anything, but I don't know how I can define the fear I have in my chest. I don't want to miss Genpact. I have to study. I can't be at two places at once. There is a third one too in the reckoning - the program at the college.

I will not be false in who I am as long as I breath

Men of power have no time to read; yet the men who do not read are unfit for power.

— Michael Foot

There isn't much to write for today. I reached home early. There wasn't much for us to do so we thought we could leave. We informed our team leader. We also told him that we won't be coming tomorrow. My friend has to submit his passport application form so I too won't be going. I will be attending a program in my college. I have to meet my friends.

I am somehow feeing guilty that this is just my first week at Genpact and I will be missing a day. I guess it shouldn't create any problem for me; I have also informed the HR. But something disturbs from within. Perhaps its nice to feel that way. Guilt cleanses sometime and also prevents any further wrong doings.

After dinner my father asked me to come with him to have tea outside. Even my brother was with us. The hotels and all the shops except pharmacies where closed but there was once local hotel with a small door opened. We went inside and found the place fully packed. We have been there before and we know this place as the once that escapes the police patrolling. Perhaps they have some 'understanding' with the cops.

I finding some good sleep during the traveling time too. Today I sat at a place in the company bus from where the sun could directly see me. I was sweating and was feeling very uncomfortable. Yesterday and even today while returning I had good naps. The starting and ending point of the bus is Tolichowki so its making things easy for me a little giving me some buffering with time!

From tomorrow my brother would be starting with his classes for Intermediate 2nd year. He had some class even today which he skipped as he had his last improvement yesterday and he wanted some break. My parents ere fine with it. In fact I felt bad for him that he has classes so early. I remember when I was starting with the same thing, my classes were form June 1st.

Self Constraints Do Help

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

— Richard Armour

This is my 305th post on this blog and I do feel a sense of pride in myself about this. I know its not a big deal but I also do understand that there might not be many personal blogs with this number of posts. It was a not a ride till here and it wont be - if it was a ride I could as well have said that it had ups and downs.

There there was definitely something interesting I would want to put up here for today. Just in the middle on the month of May last year, on a few of my posts on this blog, I received comments which I replied to -

• At 1:55 AM, Anonymous

  hey..read ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur writings..is it true?

• At 12:21 PM, Zubair

  Yeah you are right, there is as a matter of fact someone I value a lot more than anybody else in my life ... and that person is me myself. I love myself more than anybody else.

• At 12:42 AM, Anonymous

  hey..read ur Me daily...u value sumone or sumthn a lot in ur life...apart 4m ur regular frnds n family...kinda reflects in al ur writing...dis is d same question i askd u yesterday..wel evry1 luvs themselves...is it sum1 else? sum1 special? hope u gettin wat m sayin...

  http://xubayr4.blogspot.com/2006/05/yup.html
  http://xubayr4.blogspot.com/2006/05/fine-day.html

The comments revolved around the posts whose addresses I have mentioned above. I could easily tell that the person commenting was from Hyderabad and was using an internet connection by Sify. Given the vocabulary and the spellings I could also end up believing that the person is well versed with using cellphones for messaging and also that the person is not a typical Hyderabadee with bad English - the person is well educated and groomed. Till here it was all logical.

In retrospect of my experiences, I could also say that the person was a female. The first point: no guy would get interested in such things as long as he has some problem with himself. The kind of language used, to the best of my reasoning, is used only by girls. No guy would stay so anonymous. And the most important part is that the person was interested in what all I was doing to the extent that when I wrote in my blog that I would be giving a reply to her comments at 12 midnight, she was online at that time. And after I replied, there was of sign of her - she never commented further. Only a girl would do that. Perhaps she didn't know what to do.

I may go wrong with this reasoning. But the point I brought this thing after more than a year is that I always wanted to write about what I thought about it and now that my blog can't be read without an invitation, I felt it to be perfectly safe to mention it now. Apart from that, I would still be interested in knowing who that eccentric person was so that I can understand her (or perhaps his) reason for being a coward.

Today I had two learning sessions with two people there - one from 10 am to 12:30 pm and another in the late afternoon. We went deeper into the software that was introduced to us yesterday and also checked on a firewall named Blackice and also a console for monitoring the process. We also came to know more on scripts and their coding methods.

Today my friend who is with me here at Genpact told me that marriage and family are all useless things. I somehow felt he is moving out of his zone of mental stability. I do not understand what exactly he wants from himself. Apart from things on marriage, there are several opinions he has I find awkward. I also thought if I am being blind with my thoughts, but I have found nothing as such yet. And about the marriage thing, he says we will marry just because he has to. He affirmed several times today that he has a brain of a person lot younger than 20 years of age.

For all I know

You only understand the present when it is past.

— Han Suyin

I reached home exactly at 10 pm today. I started from my house at 11:30 am today and reached just about when it was 1 pm. When I reached Genpact I was told that I still have time to talk to the person who was going to assign me to some project. I met him after 4 pm. He had a talk with some people and I was assigned to be with a team working on Vulnerability Assessment and Anti Virus for GE Plastics. I along with my friend spent a lot of time with a guy there who showed us a lot of things. The interaction we had with him was worth more than many things.

It was decided that I would be made a part of the night shift starting at 4 pm going till 1 am. Then we had a talk on this again and I will spend my time there from 10 am to 7 pm. I found this better. I still had the option of 12 to 9. So, from tomorrow I will have to wake up a lot more early and start from home around 8:30 am.

I have a terrible head ache right now and all I want to do is go to sleep. But the want to stay awake and spend time online has more will power in it even while I understand it is foolish. Just some time back my mother asked me to leave for bed. My brother is still studying and I intend to stay awake for some more time.

Starting from this Wednesday there is supposed to be a training program for us to prepare us for the coming campus recruitments. I find it impossible for me to attend it and I have decided to skip. It goes on up to Saturday and I will to the college on that day. Not to attend the program but to meet my friends.

My biggest worry now is CAT. I don't find time to prepare for that. When I got a Saturday and Sunday, all I could do was taking rest and reading some book that made me feel good. Thins Sunday maybe I can think of something but I suspect failure. I am waiting for the right thing to strike me and I am a bit apprehensive of such a strike. And that is exactly what I am worried about - thoughts do not get converted into actions. I do not know where will power has left for. It has eluded me on this occasion.