Yesterday night after I went to bed, I spent around one hour just thinking. I was feeling sleepy but I was feeling better doing this. I thought about people whom I consider intellectually superior to me. I have always trusted these people more than me at times and I have till now found them doing the best things possible I could only understand after they have been done. But a few days back somebody did something and even till today I am confused about what made that person do it. I have tried to think putting myself in that person's place. Found no wisdom till now. I was a bit worried till I slept. But I am a kind of fine now.
Tomorrow will be my last internal - DAA (Design and Analysis of Algorithms). Yesterday, even when I had two tests to study for, I started studying after 9 pm. But it was nothing substantial until a friend came and help me understand many things. He w here at my house till 12:40 am. We studied for more than an hour seriously and it was all something else after that!
Yesterday I did both the tests well - the afternoon one being the best. Today none were good. Perhaps I am a little used to it by now! Pity!
I have quite many thing to do today. On Sunday I washed my clothes and they are ready waiting for me to arrange them. I have to iron a few clothes too. The biggest thing is to pack the gift I had bought for a friend long back. We are going to have the birthday celebration tomorrow. The birthday was on 30th of January.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Don't know why I didn't come
Tomorrow I won't be going to Career Launcher for the class. I have my first class tests (internals) from Monday and I think I should study! I know I will be waking up late and by the time I start it will be afternoon. But not going there will help me complete my sleep and help me keep myself awake. Usually on Sundays I sleep in the afternoon after coming back home from the class.
Today after waking up at 11 am I spent around 2 hours in front of the computer. I had to search for some softwares my uncle had asked me for and download them. It took a lot of time to get them. I found them at phazeddl.com. I reached his house at 2 pm and left for CL at 5:30 pm. The class at CL went on even after 9 pm.
We had PDP today - Personality Development Program (I am still not sure if the last word is Program!). We were first explained a concept on Business Administration. Then we were told how important it is to understand ourselves better (I was thinking I knew it from before; especially when the method to understand ourselves better was said - talking more; I write about myself - I must be on the right track; maybe). Maybe I will someday write down the concept we were taught. I was really interesting.
Then we were made to talk on ourselves. We had to tell about our extra curricular activities. Then it was the extempore. One by one, each of us was given a topic and three minutes to think. Then we had to talk on it for three minutes. The topic given to me was 'BLACK'. I could hardly think of anything. I was a little nervous already. I saw some of the guys speaking for less than 30 seconds. They were so tensed that they couldn't talk anything. When my 3 minutes to think were on, another person was thinking. By the time I could decide what I would be talking on 'Black', the time for me to talk had arrived.
I spoke on two things - the sadness and mourning related tot he black color, and a little about people who are black. I spoke fast and stopped it after 1 minute 30 seconds. I was happy the way I did. Just that I should have spoken on more things related tot hat topic - black! Later after my talk was over, I could think of at least 2-3 more things I could have spoken on.
At the end of the class, some people from a group named AIESEC gave a shot talk on a recruitment drive they are conducting tomorrow at Amrutha Castle. We were invited to attend the program and try to make ourselves a member of their group. They told us why we should do so. They were impressive. Perhaps if I had no tests on Monday, I would have considered giving it a try. I am n0t going tomorrow to any program. Not even the class at CL. (I have no idea of what AIESEC means!)
Yesterday evening along with 6 of my friends I went to the annual Industrial Exhibition. A friend was with me almost all day yesterday, and in the evening I asked him if we could go. We made calls to many of our friends. After a lot of talking and discussions we decided everything and we met at the entrance of the place after 8:30 pm. I reached home at 11:20 pm. I did two things there - ate and say 'Well of Death'. I have seen it before once and as some of my friends were going to watch it, I took along.
During the day time too I went out to eat twice. Once i didn't get my chicken roll, so I just waited till my friend finished his mutton rolls. Just before the evening I went again out again - this time to Universal near NMDC. We both even had to take some photocopies of notes as we have tests from Monday. Yesterday morning I woke up at 12 noon. I had slept at 3 in the morning. It was at the same time yesterday too.
For the last few days I have been having chats daily with 2 of my cousins. Though we were in regular contact, chatting with the webcams switched on is something very nice and warm. One of them is my sister who got married in December - now in Decatur. And the other sister is probably my eldest friend - she lives in Austin.
For the last two days I am perhaps most of the time in frustration in anger! Today I tried to find I reason for it. I came to a few conclusions and I didn't like what I thought. I have observed that these two days I was a little rude with answering to anything I was asked, I didn't try to keep calm and probably I didn't know how to behave. I have a lot of things to ponder upon. I am possibly doing many things wrong. I don't know if I am worried.
today I had been explaining it to my friend that some times thinking before talking can stop us from talking anything. I found this with myself - whenever I think too much before talking to somebody on anything particular, I fall short of words which I would find suitable to be said. After thinking all that I get a feeling that it is good if nothing is said. When I think everything that could be told seems to be useless or immature or irrelevant. I guess I have to work on this.
Sometimes I prefer not thinking while I am talking to some of my friends. I pray I don't end up paying anything for this. I hope they understand me and will even let me know if I am wrong - I know I am wrong at many places. I believe I am sounding a little different today - I wish I could help myself.
My anger and frustration has nothing to do with my friend with whom I messed up a few days back. perhaps the 'messing up' was more from my side than him. Maybe I shouldn't have written about him on my blog or I shouldn't have commented back at his comments. But I stand by all that I have said. But I also realize that it was not about who was right and who was wrong. It was also not about what was right and what was wrong. It was just that I was angry. Nobody need to prove it! I don't want to justify my anger. I did it right by being that way. I will keep my ego.
I wrote a poem on Gridlocked today.
Today after waking up at 11 am I spent around 2 hours in front of the computer. I had to search for some softwares my uncle had asked me for and download them. It took a lot of time to get them. I found them at phazeddl.com. I reached his house at 2 pm and left for CL at 5:30 pm. The class at CL went on even after 9 pm.
We had PDP today - Personality Development Program (I am still not sure if the last word is Program!). We were first explained a concept on Business Administration. Then we were told how important it is to understand ourselves better (I was thinking I knew it from before; especially when the method to understand ourselves better was said - talking more; I write about myself - I must be on the right track; maybe). Maybe I will someday write down the concept we were taught. I was really interesting.
Then we were made to talk on ourselves. We had to tell about our extra curricular activities. Then it was the extempore. One by one, each of us was given a topic and three minutes to think. Then we had to talk on it for three minutes. The topic given to me was 'BLACK'. I could hardly think of anything. I was a little nervous already. I saw some of the guys speaking for less than 30 seconds. They were so tensed that they couldn't talk anything. When my 3 minutes to think were on, another person was thinking. By the time I could decide what I would be talking on 'Black', the time for me to talk had arrived.
I spoke on two things - the sadness and mourning related tot he black color, and a little about people who are black. I spoke fast and stopped it after 1 minute 30 seconds. I was happy the way I did. Just that I should have spoken on more things related tot hat topic - black! Later after my talk was over, I could think of at least 2-3 more things I could have spoken on.
At the end of the class, some people from a group named AIESEC gave a shot talk on a recruitment drive they are conducting tomorrow at Amrutha Castle. We were invited to attend the program and try to make ourselves a member of their group. They told us why we should do so. They were impressive. Perhaps if I had no tests on Monday, I would have considered giving it a try. I am n0t going tomorrow to any program. Not even the class at CL. (I have no idea of what AIESEC means!)
Yesterday evening along with 6 of my friends I went to the annual Industrial Exhibition. A friend was with me almost all day yesterday, and in the evening I asked him if we could go. We made calls to many of our friends. After a lot of talking and discussions we decided everything and we met at the entrance of the place after 8:30 pm. I reached home at 11:20 pm. I did two things there - ate and say 'Well of Death'. I have seen it before once and as some of my friends were going to watch it, I took along.
During the day time too I went out to eat twice. Once i didn't get my chicken roll, so I just waited till my friend finished his mutton rolls. Just before the evening I went again out again - this time to Universal near NMDC. We both even had to take some photocopies of notes as we have tests from Monday. Yesterday morning I woke up at 12 noon. I had slept at 3 in the morning. It was at the same time yesterday too.
For the last few days I have been having chats daily with 2 of my cousins. Though we were in regular contact, chatting with the webcams switched on is something very nice and warm. One of them is my sister who got married in December - now in Decatur. And the other sister is probably my eldest friend - she lives in Austin.
For the last two days I am perhaps most of the time in frustration in anger! Today I tried to find I reason for it. I came to a few conclusions and I didn't like what I thought. I have observed that these two days I was a little rude with answering to anything I was asked, I didn't try to keep calm and probably I didn't know how to behave. I have a lot of things to ponder upon. I am possibly doing many things wrong. I don't know if I am worried.
today I had been explaining it to my friend that some times thinking before talking can stop us from talking anything. I found this with myself - whenever I think too much before talking to somebody on anything particular, I fall short of words which I would find suitable to be said. After thinking all that I get a feeling that it is good if nothing is said. When I think everything that could be told seems to be useless or immature or irrelevant. I guess I have to work on this.
Sometimes I prefer not thinking while I am talking to some of my friends. I pray I don't end up paying anything for this. I hope they understand me and will even let me know if I am wrong - I know I am wrong at many places. I believe I am sounding a little different today - I wish I could help myself.
My anger and frustration has nothing to do with my friend with whom I messed up a few days back. perhaps the 'messing up' was more from my side than him. Maybe I shouldn't have written about him on my blog or I shouldn't have commented back at his comments. But I stand by all that I have said. But I also realize that it was not about who was right and who was wrong. It was also not about what was right and what was wrong. It was just that I was angry. Nobody need to prove it! I don't want to justify my anger. I did it right by being that way. I will keep my ego.
I wrote a poem on Gridlocked today.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Wednesday
My friend replied to my post of Monday. The replies were in the form of comments.
He first wrote:
Today I went to attend a friend's sister's wedding function. It was at Ashok Gardens, Bowenpally. The 'shubhmuhratam' was at 11:56 am and we were there just on time. Though I missed the lab in the afternoon, I got all the morning attendance - thanks to a friend!
I had some things to write, but I am busy today chatting with my cousins. I turned on my webcam for the first time too.
He first wrote:
""we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me." Wht does dis mean??? i didnt u/s.. so plz xplain it to me!! i no ur english is good and i guess every1 nos abt it even the ppl who dnt need to... but nomatter hw good ur english is, u cant change the wht actually happened!!!"
Then I replied:"I didn't know you read my blogs. Thanks, you paid a visit!!!
"we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me."
The last word should have been 'him' and not 'me' making the last part of the sentence as "but had given it to him". It was a typo and if you ask the people who read my blog regularly – Alhamdulillah there are many such people – you will know that I keep making mistakes!
And regarding your comment - I didn't understand something in it.
"u/s"
You use some different language about which I have no knowledge.
"so plz xplain it to me!" I can understand this, so may be I can put that first sentence in some other way.
There were 5 people who told me a few days back that they would be giving their forms to me. But 3 of them didn’t. Instead, they gave it to you. Do you remembering, while at OU we counted the forms? They were 13 of them. I took 4, you 5 and we were going to give our other friend the rest of them.
This is all I mean with that sentence. Alhamdulillah I have the ability to put the same thing in more ways should you get interested. Are you interested?
Did you read just that sentence in the whole post? I think there is more for you. And going by your understanding of my English, I am sure you will ask for more explanations. I am ready for anything.
I wonder if that sentence was so difficult to comprehend, even with that mistake there!!!"
"Oops! I am sorry, I didn't answer the last part of your comment in my comment above.
"u cant change the wht actually happened!!!"
(hehe, I didn't correct it ... let us have the 'actually' of 'everything')
If you think what all I have written was wrong, I invite you to write a blog yourself and let the whole world read it - whatever you think is true. Or you can at least speak up in front of everybody in my presence. I give my word I won't interrupt unless you finish everything you have to say.
But you have to keep something in mind. In my post I accepted that I was rude, I accepted that there is a posibility that I was wrong, and I even said that I will accept I was angry if it is proved. When I write something, I try to have integrity - it means that I don't bluff and I don't hide anything. I don't hide because that gives me some guilt feeling. And I hate that feeling.
I invite you to tell what all you feel by having a clear conscience."
""u/s- understand"
i askd u to wait bt u were goin...
i said i ll b waitin thr, thn u said 5n its ur wish, u askd me to take my forms... i said ok i took mine thn $$$$$$$ and thn i waz takin every1's 1 by 1 thn u suddenly gav me $$$$$$$ and whn i waz takin $$$$ u were resisting......
u no wht is responsibility???
Ohh!!! whom m i askin to?????
A master mind??
A genious???
Or ......???
plz explain me wht is responsibility and friendship???
Do i need to read any blog of urs for the answer?????
and regardin ur suggestion i dnt need sympathy from ny 1..."
""Do i need to read any blog of urs for the answer?????"
When was it the last time that I asked you to read my blog? Yesterday? 2 days back?
I suppose you won't be reading it again. Need I reply then?
But yes, I will write something - for the people who read my blog. I write what all I do and think on that particular day. If it creates sympathy - my pleasure. If it creates hatred - my pleasure. If it creates happiness - my pleasure. If it creates sorrow - my pleasure. If it creates love - my pleasure ... I can go on!"
Today I went to attend a friend's sister's wedding function. It was at Ashok Gardens, Bowenpally. The 'shubhmuhratam' was at 11:56 am and we were there just on time. Though I missed the lab in the afternoon, I got all the morning attendance - thanks to a friend!
I had some things to write, but I am busy today chatting with my cousins. I turned on my webcam for the first time too.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Tuesday
Alhamdulillah I could submit the re-evaluation forms pretty easily today. I started from home at 7:10 am, met my friend at Mehdipatnam at 7:30 am, then went to OU. We were too early there and the gates of the place where forms are accepted were closed. We took a stroll around and finally after 10:30 am the people came. Many people arrived there - all of them after us. The queue was very long, but it was a cake walk for me.
Two more of my friends joined us and they somehow managed to break into the queue. They did the work and I just stayed in the queue a little behind - just in case! Then we went to King & Cardinal at Himayat Nagar and had burgers there. I came home after that. In short, I enjoyed the day and attended no single class.
My friend who stayed back in the evening at OU submitted the forms. His patience really paid him and it was nice that it happened. Else those 8 forms would have been a waste. I am waiting to see how he is going to react - he wanted me to stay there yesterday and I gave several reasons for not being with him; I also had to skip the college today and go to OU for the second time. I am sure he must be feeling proud of himself!
I had written the above part a few hours back and now its 11:26 pm here. I just published the above without keeping it as a draft. I wanted it to be there even before I could complete it!
I also came to know that my friend who submitted the forms yesterday had to bribe the people there and give them Rs.50 per form. I haven't confirmed it yet.
We had dinner a little today as my mother arrived late. The best thing was home made potato chips. I had them today after quite a lot of time. Like daily I spent time in front of the television even today watching Peace TV. Dr. Zakir Naik's program again.
I do not remember I have written this on my blog but here it is: government of Andhra Pradesh has banned the telecast of Pakistani channels in Hyderabad and maybe even in the whole state. But Peace TV being Indian, is not at all banned. Q TV is banned. Some cable operators are not telecasting Peace TV and are telling their customers that they are not allowed to broadcast it on the network. They are wrong. Peace TV has it's studios in Mumbai (I am not sure) and it is an Indian Channel. Peace TV has never been banned.
Two more of my friends joined us and they somehow managed to break into the queue. They did the work and I just stayed in the queue a little behind - just in case! Then we went to King & Cardinal at Himayat Nagar and had burgers there. I came home after that. In short, I enjoyed the day and attended no single class.
My friend who stayed back in the evening at OU submitted the forms. His patience really paid him and it was nice that it happened. Else those 8 forms would have been a waste. I am waiting to see how he is going to react - he wanted me to stay there yesterday and I gave several reasons for not being with him; I also had to skip the college today and go to OU for the second time. I am sure he must be feeling proud of himself!
*****
I had written the above part a few hours back and now its 11:26 pm here. I just published the above without keeping it as a draft. I wanted it to be there even before I could complete it!
I also came to know that my friend who submitted the forms yesterday had to bribe the people there and give them Rs.50 per form. I haven't confirmed it yet.
We had dinner a little today as my mother arrived late. The best thing was home made potato chips. I had them today after quite a lot of time. Like daily I spent time in front of the television even today watching Peace TV. Dr. Zakir Naik's program again.
I do not remember I have written this on my blog but here it is: government of Andhra Pradesh has banned the telecast of Pakistani channels in Hyderabad and maybe even in the whole state. But Peace TV being Indian, is not at all banned. Q TV is banned. Some cable operators are not telecasting Peace TV and are telling their customers that they are not allowed to broadcast it on the network. They are wrong. Peace TV has it's studios in Mumbai (I am not sure) and it is an Indian Channel. Peace TV has never been banned.
Monday, February 5, 2007
I don't think I was angry ... but I am ready to accept it if proved
I reached home around 20 minutes back. When my father arrived home at 7:30 pm, he asked me to come with him. My mother too had arrived just then and she knew that we were going out. I asked him "where?" He said "Spencer's". I said I was tired and asked him to go. After thinking for sometime I said that I would go with them.
I never go with him for the monthly shopping of grocery. My mother and brother do. This time I thought I should take some time and I went along. My father said we would be going to Reliance Fresh too. But sadly he took us to some new super market on Sheikpet road, a kilometer away from Reliance Fresh. This store looked small from outside. I told to myself "This thing replacing Spencer's is like Chaarminar replacing Taj Mahal!". But the shop was fine and we got everything we wanted.
From there my father asked me what I would like to eat. I had had a chicken roll just sometime back so I said I was not hungry. He made me walk for sometime and we went to a restaurant, Cinnamon 7. We four had a heavy dinner there. On our way back we saw Reliance Fresh was closing down and we reached home.
I am very tired now. I was in no mood to walk so much and dine outside. After coming home I simply wanted to spend some time on the internet and sleep as early as possible. I had been to Osmania University today to submit my form for re-evaluation of two of my subject subject answer sheets. I felt I deserved better marks in them and I wanted to get those papers re-evaluated.
I was there for more than 2 hours and found no success in submitting them. There we many people and the queue was too long. The counter was supposed to be closed down at 6 pm and I found that it would be waste for me to stand there. I will be going there tomorrow early morning again and I will submit the forms.
All these days six of my friends have been asking me to submit their forms. I was glad I was being asked and I was sincerely willing to do it. Only two of them gave their forms to me. One of them did the work by himself and other three gave it to my friend who was accompanying me to the university. It would be more precise if I say that he was taking me with him on his two-wheeler! Another friend came with us too.
There at OU after we divided the forms amongst ourselves - 13 forms of12 people including us - and waited there for the queue to get smaller. We were told that a person was allowed to submit only one form and that too only his own. But we were ready to do anything and submit them all. A 4:45 pm I felt that even if I wait till the counter gets closed I would be able to submit only one and the one would be definitely mine. But along side I knew that I had taken forms personally from 2 of my friends and that it was my responsibility to submit them. One of these two friends arrived - I called him - and he took charge of his form.
My responsibility reduced to only one form. But I was still ready for some other forms too because those people, though didn't give me the forms, had asked me about it previously. I was willing to submit them. But time was the constraint. If I had waited for my turn to come and if I had submitted my form first, I would definitely not come the next day to submit the rest of the forms. It was already 5 pm and there was no chance that I could stand again in the queue to submit a second form. So, I thought that it would be wise if I come tomorrow and stand in the line for as many times it takes and submit the forms I had with me after distribution - 5 forms.
When I shared this idea of mine - of coming tomorrow and leaving immediately - my friend who took me there got angry. He said we should wait till we submit at least one form. I had the same logic - if I submit one form, it would me mine and I would still have to come the next day, tomorrow - he didn't seem to understand. What looked wisdom to me, appeared foolishness to him. I had told him sometime back that I was ready to wait for any amount of time to submit all the forms. But there was no possibility of all the forms being submitted and I thought I shouldn't waste time there. I had told him that I was free and had lot of time - but that time was for waiting for something to happen, my turn to come, not to stand there and waste.
He even offered to drop me back home if I waited with him till 6 pm. His house is at Chaderghat and mine at Tolichowki. I am not that kind of a person who would like taking such irrational favors. My other friend had his two-wheeler with him and he was going to Tolichowki and I left with him.
But as I was about to leave, my friend who wanted to stay there till 6 pm told me that I was not doing good by leaving. I asked him to explain how it wasn't good. I paused for a second to answer. He was going to answer. I turned around and left.
I was perhaps rude with him. Maybe he was more wise than me. Maybe I should have waited for him just because he is my friend and I have to give him company. Maybe it was ethically right that I had stayed with him till 6 pm just because I came with him. I am still confused. But I am glad I did what I felt was right then and I am happy that I feel glad. I am still trying to know if I was wrong. I am ready to accept this as my mistake if somebody gives me a reason with all his true conscience.
But most importantly, I was irked by something he did just before I was leaving. As I have mentioned earlier, we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me. He took one of those forms he brought - which I was holding then - and said that that form was his responsibility and he would submit it. He took from me just that one particular form though there were 2 more with me which he had brought. I obeyed his logic. I gave him those other 2 forms too - I was a little rude with this, I agree.
I would have happily taken the responsibility of those 2 forms, but I was more willing to have the one form which he took from me first. I was angry, I returned the other two too! I was interested in that form because that was one of my very good friend's! He took it from me perhaps for the same reason. I gave him the others two. That allowed me to have just one responsibility. It is worth 100 rupees and if I fail to submit his form - by chance - I will pay him his money and apologize as it would be because of me that a possible rise in his marks would be canceled because.
And now, I sincerely hope that my friend has submitted the 8 forms he had with him when I was leaving or he at least does it tomorrow. He could have shared them with me. He didn't for reasons known only to him. Tomorrow early morning I will leave for OU and I will submit the 2 forms I have.
I neither wish to publicize all this neither would I prefer insulting my friend. He is my friend - if I insult him, I would be insulting myself - a friend insulting his friend is a bad person - always!
I was angry today. Just because he took that single form from me. Maybe I can blame my anger if not me. But if this is my anger, then I am very, very happy that this was my anger. I knew what I was doing then. I was in control of myself. The moment I turned away form him, my talk with my other friend was very nice and on our way back home we spoke on several things unrelated to the forms or anybody related to them. If that was really my anger, I am glad that all it is! I remember shouting at my brother like a mad even till a year back. I have stopped it. I don't remember when I was so angry last.
I never go with him for the monthly shopping of grocery. My mother and brother do. This time I thought I should take some time and I went along. My father said we would be going to Reliance Fresh too. But sadly he took us to some new super market on Sheikpet road, a kilometer away from Reliance Fresh. This store looked small from outside. I told to myself "This thing replacing Spencer's is like Chaarminar replacing Taj Mahal!". But the shop was fine and we got everything we wanted.
From there my father asked me what I would like to eat. I had had a chicken roll just sometime back so I said I was not hungry. He made me walk for sometime and we went to a restaurant, Cinnamon 7. We four had a heavy dinner there. On our way back we saw Reliance Fresh was closing down and we reached home.
I am very tired now. I was in no mood to walk so much and dine outside. After coming home I simply wanted to spend some time on the internet and sleep as early as possible. I had been to Osmania University today to submit my form for re-evaluation of two of my subject subject answer sheets. I felt I deserved better marks in them and I wanted to get those papers re-evaluated.
I was there for more than 2 hours and found no success in submitting them. There we many people and the queue was too long. The counter was supposed to be closed down at 6 pm and I found that it would be waste for me to stand there. I will be going there tomorrow early morning again and I will submit the forms.
All these days six of my friends have been asking me to submit their forms. I was glad I was being asked and I was sincerely willing to do it. Only two of them gave their forms to me. One of them did the work by himself and other three gave it to my friend who was accompanying me to the university. It would be more precise if I say that he was taking me with him on his two-wheeler! Another friend came with us too.
There at OU after we divided the forms amongst ourselves - 13 forms of12 people including us - and waited there for the queue to get smaller. We were told that a person was allowed to submit only one form and that too only his own. But we were ready to do anything and submit them all. A 4:45 pm I felt that even if I wait till the counter gets closed I would be able to submit only one and the one would be definitely mine. But along side I knew that I had taken forms personally from 2 of my friends and that it was my responsibility to submit them. One of these two friends arrived - I called him - and he took charge of his form.
My responsibility reduced to only one form. But I was still ready for some other forms too because those people, though didn't give me the forms, had asked me about it previously. I was willing to submit them. But time was the constraint. If I had waited for my turn to come and if I had submitted my form first, I would definitely not come the next day to submit the rest of the forms. It was already 5 pm and there was no chance that I could stand again in the queue to submit a second form. So, I thought that it would be wise if I come tomorrow and stand in the line for as many times it takes and submit the forms I had with me after distribution - 5 forms.
When I shared this idea of mine - of coming tomorrow and leaving immediately - my friend who took me there got angry. He said we should wait till we submit at least one form. I had the same logic - if I submit one form, it would me mine and I would still have to come the next day, tomorrow - he didn't seem to understand. What looked wisdom to me, appeared foolishness to him. I had told him sometime back that I was ready to wait for any amount of time to submit all the forms. But there was no possibility of all the forms being submitted and I thought I shouldn't waste time there. I had told him that I was free and had lot of time - but that time was for waiting for something to happen, my turn to come, not to stand there and waste.
He even offered to drop me back home if I waited with him till 6 pm. His house is at Chaderghat and mine at Tolichowki. I am not that kind of a person who would like taking such irrational favors. My other friend had his two-wheeler with him and he was going to Tolichowki and I left with him.
But as I was about to leave, my friend who wanted to stay there till 6 pm told me that I was not doing good by leaving. I asked him to explain how it wasn't good. I paused for a second to answer. He was going to answer. I turned around and left.
I was perhaps rude with him. Maybe he was more wise than me. Maybe I should have waited for him just because he is my friend and I have to give him company. Maybe it was ethically right that I had stayed with him till 6 pm just because I came with him. I am still confused. But I am glad I did what I felt was right then and I am happy that I feel glad. I am still trying to know if I was wrong. I am ready to accept this as my mistake if somebody gives me a reason with all his true conscience.
But most importantly, I was irked by something he did just before I was leaving. As I have mentioned earlier, we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me. He took one of those forms he brought - which I was holding then - and said that that form was his responsibility and he would submit it. He took from me just that one particular form though there were 2 more with me which he had brought. I obeyed his logic. I gave him those other 2 forms too - I was a little rude with this, I agree.
I would have happily taken the responsibility of those 2 forms, but I was more willing to have the one form which he took from me first. I was angry, I returned the other two too! I was interested in that form because that was one of my very good friend's! He took it from me perhaps for the same reason. I gave him the others two. That allowed me to have just one responsibility. It is worth 100 rupees and if I fail to submit his form - by chance - I will pay him his money and apologize as it would be because of me that a possible rise in his marks would be canceled because.
And now, I sincerely hope that my friend has submitted the 8 forms he had with him when I was leaving or he at least does it tomorrow. He could have shared them with me. He didn't for reasons known only to him. Tomorrow early morning I will leave for OU and I will submit the 2 forms I have.
I neither wish to publicize all this neither would I prefer insulting my friend. He is my friend - if I insult him, I would be insulting myself - a friend insulting his friend is a bad person - always!
I was angry today. Just because he took that single form from me. Maybe I can blame my anger if not me. But if this is my anger, then I am very, very happy that this was my anger. I knew what I was doing then. I was in control of myself. The moment I turned away form him, my talk with my other friend was very nice and on our way back home we spoke on several things unrelated to the forms or anybody related to them. If that was really my anger, I am glad that all it is! I remember shouting at my brother like a mad even till a year back. I have stopped it. I don't remember when I was so angry last.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Some things never change and other things refuse to stop changing
A few minutes after reaching CL we were given the exercise sheets and told to start solving them. We continued till 10:30 am when we were told that the faculty who was supposed to teach us today met with an accident. We were asked to leave. The in-charge was apologetic about the cancellation of the class. I felt there was no necessity for them to apologize; there was a problem which was reasonable.
Yesterday since afternoon itself I wasn't feeling like attending the evening class. I didn't go. I was at my grandmother's house and reached home at 9:30 pm. My father had been to Mt. Opera as picnic with his school students and he came late and pick me late from there. He said he enjoyed. Even my cousins went with them. I couldn't as I had college to attend. My brother had his exam.
Late in the evening I began to feel some pain in my legs. I had some fever that was making me weak. Even a couple of days back I felt the same and I had taken some medicine. Yesterday I took nothing and was fine till the time I went to sleep - at 3 am.
In the college I submitted a lab assignment for which I had spent a good amount of time on Friday evening. The lecturer was not at all happy with what we people have done. We submitted programs done not by us but by somebody else. But we had to do such a thing. It was not at all possible for each of us to do our separate programs. So a few of my friends compiled programs taking them from other students who have done them and we took printouts at our houses. We couldn't satisfy the lecturer. In fact he can never be satisfied!
After coming home from CL I slept for a few hours. It was necessary for me to complete the sleep. I woke up at 3 pm and my uncle was here to visit us. We had lunch together. Later he had to do some work on the internet and take some prints. He lefts sometime back. He gave me a login ID and password of www.stc.com.sa from where I can send SMS to any cellphone anywhere free of cost. This service is for those who live in Saudi Arabia and use some telecom services of that particular company.
Today as the class was left early, I got to talk a little with 2 of my friends at CL for sometime. One of them is from my college itself and he plans to write GRE this August. The other person has already booked a slot in June. They said they want to keep their options open. I somehow don't understand what these people are doing! I feel many write GRE just because they see their friends writing it. They go for some coaching, spend time in studying, buy material ... create a hype ... I don't know the climax. I didn't get why a person spending 15,500 Rupees for just getting prepared to write CAT has to spend another 7,000 to write GRE.
Having too many options is worse than having too few options. Too much freedom cripples, it never gives room for accomplishments. Having just CAT in mind helps crack test like XAT, SNAP, MAT and even GMAT. There are already so many options here in this stream. A person spending time and money for CAT should first decided what he wants to do - an MBA or an MS. If he is confused, then he is creating a potential space for a disaster.
It is not just here but in every point in life that I feel too many options are bad. Thy not only create confusion in the later and final stages of decision - making, but also make us weak in what ever we are doing presently. Investing energy - both mental and physical - is like paying something in advance. If we do not know what we are paying for, then how can we know what to expect in return? It is simple logic - decide what you want, or let others decide!
Then there is one thing more that irks me a lot. People doing things after they see their friends doing it. Once in one of my blogs wrote "people do not know what they want unless they see it" and also "people do not know what they want and YOU can decide things for them". This leaves a hole in a persons character that can provide others with a chance to manipulate them for their personal use. I understand I am talking about something that people hardly think of - manipulating their friends. But what if they think?
People don't want to be alone when they seek out or something new. When they fail, they want somebody with them who has suffered the same too. Average people like mediocrity around them. They resist changes and resist anything above their level. They see yet refuse the truth. They understand but deny any knowledge. They pretend. People like to have people around them who would tell them that it is human to see failure and remind them of the famous quotes told in support of failure.
Something never change and other things refuse to stop changing. I have been experiencing this pretty closely for the last few weeks. It has caused to make a lot of difference to me and I understand it is going to continue with me as long as I am alive. People change, their lives change and we are forced to change - change our views, priorities, fundamental beliefs, standards and sometimes everything.
I have been meeting my aunt - my mother's youngest sister - for all my life at least once in 10 days. The age difference between us is 8 years and I have cousins from my father's side who she larger age differences. So, in a way my aunt was like an elder sister to me. She is in Mecca now and will come here only in 2008 when I am not sure of being here. She had been to Mecca before but it was just for a month and she was back.
My grandmother's house is all silent now. Even my grandfather has left us forever. my Uncle's children are there but they are very calm and hardly make their presence felt. My grandmother is very depressed and she will take some time to get used to the idea of not having her husband around and living away from her daughter who was with her for 28 years now. Even I have to get used to many things. I will take more time than her.
I have tried to forge some new bonds and failed miserably. But Allah has been too kind toward me and He obliged with me several new people who have become highly imperative for my happy being. He has also brought me closer to ones who were already there in my life, but were just there. They all have become an integral part of me. Then 'bond' never gets any substance. It's become an infinite wait. I feed myself on hope.
But as I have mentioned above, change is constant. And it never ceases to be constant. All of the present will change too. People will change, time will take them along giving them new heights and happinesses, and in turn, I will be made to change. The moment I resist anything, I will be conflicting with the laws of nature and this time, it can turn tragic for me.
So, now as I sit here and type all this without even checking what I am typing - grammar, spellings - but just reflecting on what my mind is presenting my hands with, I rely on what change I am going to resist. Perhaps this will look like an antithesis to the philosophy (or whatever it can be termed as) I have written above, but the changes I am going to resist will decide where I will go and where this road will take me to.
These resisted changes will be the possible threats to me - things that can harm me and let other unknown aspects to cause to harm me. These will be the negative traits in me and I am supposed to be aware of them. I rely on my weaknesses to let me know where I have to pause and where I have to stop. Strengths will give the movement and also the momentum. Weaknesses can wait. I have to make my strengths work for me. Hehehe ... the question is "when and how?" - the tragedy!
Yesterday since afternoon itself I wasn't feeling like attending the evening class. I didn't go. I was at my grandmother's house and reached home at 9:30 pm. My father had been to Mt. Opera as picnic with his school students and he came late and pick me late from there. He said he enjoyed. Even my cousins went with them. I couldn't as I had college to attend. My brother had his exam.
Late in the evening I began to feel some pain in my legs. I had some fever that was making me weak. Even a couple of days back I felt the same and I had taken some medicine. Yesterday I took nothing and was fine till the time I went to sleep - at 3 am.
In the college I submitted a lab assignment for which I had spent a good amount of time on Friday evening. The lecturer was not at all happy with what we people have done. We submitted programs done not by us but by somebody else. But we had to do such a thing. It was not at all possible for each of us to do our separate programs. So a few of my friends compiled programs taking them from other students who have done them and we took printouts at our houses. We couldn't satisfy the lecturer. In fact he can never be satisfied!
After coming home from CL I slept for a few hours. It was necessary for me to complete the sleep. I woke up at 3 pm and my uncle was here to visit us. We had lunch together. Later he had to do some work on the internet and take some prints. He lefts sometime back. He gave me a login ID and password of www.stc.com.sa from where I can send SMS to any cellphone anywhere free of cost. This service is for those who live in Saudi Arabia and use some telecom services of that particular company.
Today as the class was left early, I got to talk a little with 2 of my friends at CL for sometime. One of them is from my college itself and he plans to write GRE this August. The other person has already booked a slot in June. They said they want to keep their options open. I somehow don't understand what these people are doing! I feel many write GRE just because they see their friends writing it. They go for some coaching, spend time in studying, buy material ... create a hype ... I don't know the climax. I didn't get why a person spending 15,500 Rupees for just getting prepared to write CAT has to spend another 7,000 to write GRE.
Having too many options is worse than having too few options. Too much freedom cripples, it never gives room for accomplishments. Having just CAT in mind helps crack test like XAT, SNAP, MAT and even GMAT. There are already so many options here in this stream. A person spending time and money for CAT should first decided what he wants to do - an MBA or an MS. If he is confused, then he is creating a potential space for a disaster.
It is not just here but in every point in life that I feel too many options are bad. Thy not only create confusion in the later and final stages of decision - making, but also make us weak in what ever we are doing presently. Investing energy - both mental and physical - is like paying something in advance. If we do not know what we are paying for, then how can we know what to expect in return? It is simple logic - decide what you want, or let others decide!
Then there is one thing more that irks me a lot. People doing things after they see their friends doing it. Once in one of my blogs wrote "people do not know what they want unless they see it" and also "people do not know what they want and YOU can decide things for them". This leaves a hole in a persons character that can provide others with a chance to manipulate them for their personal use. I understand I am talking about something that people hardly think of - manipulating their friends. But what if they think?
People don't want to be alone when they seek out or something new. When they fail, they want somebody with them who has suffered the same too. Average people like mediocrity around them. They resist changes and resist anything above their level. They see yet refuse the truth. They understand but deny any knowledge. They pretend. People like to have people around them who would tell them that it is human to see failure and remind them of the famous quotes told in support of failure.
Something never change and other things refuse to stop changing. I have been experiencing this pretty closely for the last few weeks. It has caused to make a lot of difference to me and I understand it is going to continue with me as long as I am alive. People change, their lives change and we are forced to change - change our views, priorities, fundamental beliefs, standards and sometimes everything.
I have been meeting my aunt - my mother's youngest sister - for all my life at least once in 10 days. The age difference between us is 8 years and I have cousins from my father's side who she larger age differences. So, in a way my aunt was like an elder sister to me. She is in Mecca now and will come here only in 2008 when I am not sure of being here. She had been to Mecca before but it was just for a month and she was back.
My grandmother's house is all silent now. Even my grandfather has left us forever. my Uncle's children are there but they are very calm and hardly make their presence felt. My grandmother is very depressed and she will take some time to get used to the idea of not having her husband around and living away from her daughter who was with her for 28 years now. Even I have to get used to many things. I will take more time than her.
I have tried to forge some new bonds and failed miserably. But Allah has been too kind toward me and He obliged with me several new people who have become highly imperative for my happy being. He has also brought me closer to ones who were already there in my life, but were just there. They all have become an integral part of me. Then 'bond' never gets any substance. It's become an infinite wait. I feed myself on hope.
But as I have mentioned above, change is constant. And it never ceases to be constant. All of the present will change too. People will change, time will take them along giving them new heights and happinesses, and in turn, I will be made to change. The moment I resist anything, I will be conflicting with the laws of nature and this time, it can turn tragic for me.
So, now as I sit here and type all this without even checking what I am typing - grammar, spellings - but just reflecting on what my mind is presenting my hands with, I rely on what change I am going to resist. Perhaps this will look like an antithesis to the philosophy (or whatever it can be termed as) I have written above, but the changes I am going to resist will decide where I will go and where this road will take me to.
These resisted changes will be the possible threats to me - things that can harm me and let other unknown aspects to cause to harm me. These will be the negative traits in me and I am supposed to be aware of them. I rely on my weaknesses to let me know where I have to pause and where I have to stop. Strengths will give the movement and also the momentum. Weaknesses can wait. I have to make my strengths work for me. Hehehe ... the question is "when and how?" - the tragedy!
Friday, February 2, 2007
I better kill myself than do that
Yesterday, somehow I forgot to write an update and it was too late int he night (morning) when it struck me. I didn't take the efforts to beat the sleep. I slept around 3 am and woke up at 7:30 am. I was 2 minutes late to the class! Thanks to the bus that I reached soon even after starting very late from home.
Yesterday in the networks lab I literally did nothing except helping my neighbor-friend do some programs. We have been assigned with specific computer systems and this prevents from sitting next to any person who could potentially help us do the programs we are not able to do by ourselves. Maybe our sir thinks that he is doing a wonderful job this way, but I must say 'he is wrong'. Nothing is helping us!
In the afternoon I didn't attend the class. We had a test and I had to go to my grandmother's house. As scheduled, my aunt left today morning and alhamdulillah she has reached Jidda. We expect her to call again once she reaches Mecca.
The morning session in the college was just Computer Networks - from 9:15 am to 12:10 pm. I was very sleepy all through and hardly concentrated on anything. But I could managing staying awake. I reached home after 3 pm with a friend and he was with me till 6:15 pm. Along with him I also searched for some shop near my house that could refill my printer's cartridge. I didn't know it would be so easy for me. I later took the printouts for Computer Networks lab.
Yesterday late in the evening I had a long chat with my cousin. She lives in Austin and since long I had been wanting to tell her a few things which I told her yesterday. It is always wonderful to know that there is a person ready to listen to you and advice you on something you are always critical of. I was glad to she took time not only to listen to what all I had to say but also to understand what I actually meant. I am glad to have her with me.
While I was chatting with my sister, I got a call on my phone. It was a new number and I received it the way I always do. The person on the other side first confirmed with me if I was Zubair. Then from a courteous accent he became rude. He told me that was teasing some girl int he college. (I don't have a dog whose name is 'bingo'!!!) I asked "Oh! Really?" He continued and said that I was teasing his sister. While listening that itself I started wondering if by any mistake I committed that sin. I couldn't remember anything.
He said that he knows me, that I am from Muffakham Jah College and from 3rd year. I immediately told him that I would like him to come to me personally and talk. He threatened that he would be coming to my college the next day. I said I will be waiting to meet him. And I disconnected the call.
This call came when I was in the most serious mood of chatting. I was talking something with my sister and I could hardly understand what was going on. I thought I was always prepared for such calls - yes I am. I once drew all the picture in my mind and decided how I would be reacting to such a call. I did exactly the way I had thought.
After disconnecting the call I was considering calling my cousin from Deccan college. I also analyzed that if I tell about this to my father, he would straight away think of going to a police station! I didn't think what that person would be doing next - if he would really come or not! If he rally meant to threaten me or was there something else he wanted.
I wasn't afraid of meeting him. I was afraid of things I haven't done and things this guy could do to me. I was afraid of a possible fight. I was afraid that I would face something for doing nothing. I was afraid that people who don't know me would think bad about me. I was confused.
This this guy called again. I said the first words: "You were going to come tomorrow, why did you call again?" His reply was not rude now. He said he got my number from somewhere and that he was just kidding all this time. he asked me not to take anything seriously. I didn't think of asking who he was. But I am sure he knows me and he got my number from some person to whom I might have given it.
I didn't ask him who he was when he called the second time. I asked that to him in the first call. But whoever her was and even that he asked me not to take it seriously, I am sorry to say that I am very serious and he will know about that in a day or two. I have his number with him. And I know many people who can be rude if I request them to. I don't like such jokes being played on me, especially when the person is a stranger to me. And most importantly, he charged me with something I detest and would never do - I better kill myself than do that.
Yesterday in the networks lab I literally did nothing except helping my neighbor-friend do some programs. We have been assigned with specific computer systems and this prevents from sitting next to any person who could potentially help us do the programs we are not able to do by ourselves. Maybe our sir thinks that he is doing a wonderful job this way, but I must say 'he is wrong'. Nothing is helping us!
In the afternoon I didn't attend the class. We had a test and I had to go to my grandmother's house. As scheduled, my aunt left today morning and alhamdulillah she has reached Jidda. We expect her to call again once she reaches Mecca.
The morning session in the college was just Computer Networks - from 9:15 am to 12:10 pm. I was very sleepy all through and hardly concentrated on anything. But I could managing staying awake. I reached home after 3 pm with a friend and he was with me till 6:15 pm. Along with him I also searched for some shop near my house that could refill my printer's cartridge. I didn't know it would be so easy for me. I later took the printouts for Computer Networks lab.
Yesterday late in the evening I had a long chat with my cousin. She lives in Austin and since long I had been wanting to tell her a few things which I told her yesterday. It is always wonderful to know that there is a person ready to listen to you and advice you on something you are always critical of. I was glad to she took time not only to listen to what all I had to say but also to understand what I actually meant. I am glad to have her with me.
While I was chatting with my sister, I got a call on my phone. It was a new number and I received it the way I always do. The person on the other side first confirmed with me if I was Zubair. Then from a courteous accent he became rude. He told me that was teasing some girl int he college. (I don't have a dog whose name is 'bingo'!!!) I asked "Oh! Really?" He continued and said that I was teasing his sister. While listening that itself I started wondering if by any mistake I committed that sin. I couldn't remember anything.
He said that he knows me, that I am from Muffakham Jah College and from 3rd year. I immediately told him that I would like him to come to me personally and talk. He threatened that he would be coming to my college the next day. I said I will be waiting to meet him. And I disconnected the call.
This call came when I was in the most serious mood of chatting. I was talking something with my sister and I could hardly understand what was going on. I thought I was always prepared for such calls - yes I am. I once drew all the picture in my mind and decided how I would be reacting to such a call. I did exactly the way I had thought.
After disconnecting the call I was considering calling my cousin from Deccan college. I also analyzed that if I tell about this to my father, he would straight away think of going to a police station! I didn't think what that person would be doing next - if he would really come or not! If he rally meant to threaten me or was there something else he wanted.
I wasn't afraid of meeting him. I was afraid of things I haven't done and things this guy could do to me. I was afraid of a possible fight. I was afraid that I would face something for doing nothing. I was afraid that people who don't know me would think bad about me. I was confused.
This this guy called again. I said the first words: "You were going to come tomorrow, why did you call again?" His reply was not rude now. He said he got my number from somewhere and that he was just kidding all this time. he asked me not to take anything seriously. I didn't think of asking who he was. But I am sure he knows me and he got my number from some person to whom I might have given it.
I didn't ask him who he was when he called the second time. I asked that to him in the first call. But whoever her was and even that he asked me not to take it seriously, I am sorry to say that I am very serious and he will know about that in a day or two. I have his number with him. And I know many people who can be rude if I request them to. I don't like such jokes being played on me, especially when the person is a stranger to me. And most importantly, he charged me with something I detest and would never do - I better kill myself than do that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)