Tuesday

Alhamdulillah I could submit the re-evaluation forms pretty easily today. I started from home at 7:10 am, met my friend at Mehdipatnam at 7:30 am, then went to OU. We were too early there and the gates of the place where forms are accepted were closed. We took a stroll around and finally after 10:30 am the people came. Many people arrived there - all of them after us. The queue was very long, but it was a cake walk for me.

Two more of my friends joined us and they somehow managed to break into the queue. They did the work and I just stayed in the queue a little behind - just in case! Then we went to King & Cardinal at Himayat Nagar and had burgers there. I came home after that. In short, I enjoyed the day and attended no single class.

My friend who stayed back in the evening at OU submitted the forms. His patience really paid him and it was nice that it happened. Else those 8 forms would have been a waste. I am waiting to see how he is going to react - he wanted me to stay there yesterday and I gave several reasons for not being with him; I also had to skip the college today and go to OU for the second time. I am sure he must be feeling proud of himself!

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I had written the above part a few hours back and now its 11:26 pm here. I just published the above without keeping it as a draft. I wanted it to be there even before I could complete it!

I also came to know that my friend who submitted the forms yesterday had to bribe the people there and give them Rs.50 per form. I haven't confirmed it yet.

We had dinner a little today as my mother arrived late. The best thing was home made potato chips. I had them today after quite a lot of time. Like daily I spent time in front of the television even today watching Peace TV. Dr. Zakir Naik's program again.

I do not remember I have written this on my blog but here it is: government of Andhra Pradesh has banned the telecast of Pakistani channels in Hyderabad and maybe even in the whole state. But Peace TV being Indian, is not at all banned. Q TV is banned. Some cable operators are not telecasting Peace TV and are telling their customers that they are not allowed to broadcast it on the network. They are wrong. Peace TV has it's studios in Mumbai (I am not sure) and it is an Indian Channel. Peace TV has never been banned.

I don't think I was angry ... but I am ready to accept it if proved

I reached home around 20 minutes back. When my father arrived home at 7:30 pm, he asked me to come with him. My mother too had arrived just then and she knew that we were going out. I asked him "where?" He said "Spencer's". I said I was tired and asked him to go. After thinking for sometime I said that I would go with them.

I never go with him for the monthly shopping of grocery. My mother and brother do. This time I thought I should take some time and I went along. My father said we would be going to Reliance Fresh too. But sadly he took us to some new super market on Sheikpet road, a kilometer away from Reliance Fresh. This store looked small from outside. I told to myself "This thing replacing Spencer's is like Chaarminar replacing Taj Mahal!". But the shop was fine and we got everything we wanted.

From there my father asked me what I would like to eat. I had had a chicken roll just sometime back so I said I was not hungry. He made me walk for sometime and we went to a restaurant, Cinnamon 7. We four had a heavy dinner there. On our way back we saw Reliance Fresh was closing down and we reached home.

I am very tired now. I was in no mood to walk so much and dine outside. After coming home I simply wanted to spend some time on the internet and sleep as early as possible. I had been to Osmania University today to submit my form for re-evaluation of two of my subject subject answer sheets. I felt I deserved better marks in them and I wanted to get those papers re-evaluated.

I was there for more than 2 hours and found no success in submitting them. There we many people and the queue was too long. The counter was supposed to be closed down at 6 pm and I found that it would be waste for me to stand there. I will be going there tomorrow early morning again and I will submit the forms.

All these days six of my friends have been asking me to submit their forms. I was glad I was being asked and I was sincerely willing to do it. Only two of them gave their forms to me. One of them did the work by himself and other three gave it to my friend who was accompanying me to the university. It would be more precise if I say that he was taking me with him on his two-wheeler! Another friend came with us too.

There at OU after we divided the forms amongst ourselves - 13 forms of12 people including us - and waited there for the queue to get smaller. We were told that a person was allowed to submit only one form and that too only his own. But we were ready to do anything and submit them all. A 4:45 pm I felt that even if I wait till the counter gets closed I would be able to submit only one and the one would be definitely mine. But along side I knew that I had taken forms personally from 2 of my friends and that it was my responsibility to submit them. One of these two friends arrived - I called him - and he took charge of his form.

My responsibility reduced to only one form. But I was still ready for some other forms too because those people, though didn't give me the forms, had asked me about it previously. I was willing to submit them. But time was the constraint. If I had waited for my turn to come and if I had submitted my form first, I would definitely not come the next day to submit the rest of the forms. It was already 5 pm and there was no chance that I could stand again in the queue to submit a second form. So, I thought that it would be wise if I come tomorrow and stand in the line for as many times it takes and submit the forms I had with me after distribution - 5 forms.

When I shared this idea of mine - of coming tomorrow and leaving immediately - my friend who took me there got angry. He said we should wait till we submit at least one form. I had the same logic - if I submit one form, it would me mine and I would still have to come the next day, tomorrow - he didn't seem to understand. What looked wisdom to me, appeared foolishness to him. I had told him sometime back that I was ready to wait for any amount of time to submit all the forms. But there was no possibility of all the forms being submitted and I thought I shouldn't waste time there. I had told him that I was free and had lot of time - but that time was for waiting for something to happen, my turn to come, not to stand there and waste.

He even offered to drop me back home if I waited with him till 6 pm. His house is at Chaderghat and mine at Tolichowki. I am not that kind of a person who would like taking such irrational favors. My other friend had his two-wheeler with him and he was going to Tolichowki and I left with him.

But as I was about to leave, my friend who wanted to stay there till 6 pm told me that I was not doing good by leaving. I asked him to explain how it wasn't good. I paused for a second to answer. He was going to answer. I turned around and left.

I was perhaps rude with him. Maybe he was more wise than me. Maybe I should have waited for him just because he is my friend and I have to give him company. Maybe it was ethically right that I had stayed with him till 6 pm just because I came with him. I am still confused. But I am glad I did what I felt was right then and I am happy that I feel glad. I am still trying to know if I was wrong. I am ready to accept this as my mistake if somebody gives me a reason with all his true conscience.

But most importantly, I was irked by something he did just before I was leaving. As I have mentioned earlier, we had distributed the forms amongst ourselves and he had brought forms even from the people who said me that they would be giving the forms to me, but had given it to me. He took one of those forms he brought - which I was holding then - and said that that form was his responsibility and he would submit it. He took from me just that one particular form though there were 2 more with me which he had brought. I obeyed his logic. I gave him those other 2 forms too - I was a little rude with this, I agree.

I would have happily taken the responsibility of those 2 forms, but I was more willing to have the one form which he took from me first. I was angry, I returned the other two too! I was interested in that form because that was one of my very good friend's! He took it from me perhaps for the same reason. I gave him the others two. That allowed me to have just one responsibility. It is worth 100 rupees and if I fail to submit his form - by chance - I will pay him his money and apologize as it would be because of me that a possible rise in his marks would be canceled because.

And now, I sincerely hope that my friend has submitted the 8 forms he had with him when I was leaving or he at least does it tomorrow. He could have shared them with me. He didn't for reasons known only to him. Tomorrow early morning I will leave for OU and I will submit the 2 forms I have.

I neither wish to publicize all this neither would I prefer insulting my friend. He is my friend - if I insult him, I would be insulting myself - a friend insulting his friend is a bad person - always!

I was angry today. Just because he took that single form from me. Maybe I can blame my anger if not me. But if this is my anger, then I am very, very happy that this was my anger. I knew what I was doing then. I was in control of myself. The moment I turned away form him, my talk with my other friend was very nice and on our way back home we spoke on several things unrelated to the forms or anybody related to them. If that was really my anger, I am glad that all it is! I remember shouting at my brother like a mad even till a year back. I have stopped it. I don't remember when I was so angry last.

Some things never change and other things refuse to stop changing

A few minutes after reaching CL we were given the exercise sheets and told to start solving them. We continued till 10:30 am when we were told that the faculty who was supposed to teach us today met with an accident. We were asked to leave. The in-charge was apologetic about the cancellation of the class. I felt there was no necessity for them to apologize; there was a problem which was reasonable.

Yesterday since afternoon itself I wasn't feeling like attending the evening class. I didn't go. I was at my grandmother's house and reached home at 9:30 pm. My father had been to Mt. Opera as picnic with his school students and he came late and pick me late from there. He said he enjoyed. Even my cousins went with them. I couldn't as I had college to attend. My brother had his exam.

Late in the evening I began to feel some pain in my legs. I had some fever that was making me weak. Even a couple of days back I felt the same and I had taken some medicine. Yesterday I took nothing and was fine till the time I went to sleep - at 3 am.

In the college I submitted a lab assignment for which I had spent a good amount of time on Friday evening. The lecturer was not at all happy with what we people have done. We submitted programs done not by us but by somebody else. But we had to do such a thing. It was not at all possible for each of us to do our separate programs. So a few of my friends compiled programs taking them from other students who have done them and we took printouts at our houses. We couldn't satisfy the lecturer. In fact he can never be satisfied!

After coming home from CL I slept for a few hours. It was necessary for me to complete the sleep. I woke up at 3 pm and my uncle was here to visit us. We had lunch together. Later he had to do some work on the internet and take some prints. He lefts sometime back. He gave me a login ID and password of www.stc.com.sa from where I can send SMS to any cellphone anywhere free of cost. This service is for those who live in Saudi Arabia and use some telecom services of that particular company.

Today as the class was left early, I got to talk a little with 2 of my friends at CL for sometime. One of them is from my college itself and he plans to write GRE this August. The other person has already booked a slot in June. They said they want to keep their options open. I somehow don't understand what these people are doing! I feel many write GRE just because they see their friends writing it. They go for some coaching, spend time in studying, buy material ... create a hype ... I don't know the climax. I didn't get why a person spending 15,500 Rupees for just getting prepared to write CAT has to spend another 7,000 to write GRE.

Having too many options is worse than having too few options. Too much freedom cripples, it never gives room for accomplishments. Having just CAT in mind helps crack test like XAT, SNAP, MAT and even GMAT. There are already so many options here in this stream. A person spending time and money for CAT should first decided what he wants to do - an MBA or an MS. If he is confused, then he is creating a potential space for a disaster.

It is not just here but in every point in life that I feel too many options are bad. Thy not only create confusion in the later and final stages of decision - making, but also make us weak in what ever we are doing presently. Investing energy - both mental and physical - is like paying something in advance. If we do not know what we are paying for, then how can we know what to expect in return? It is simple logic - decide what you want, or let others decide!

Then there is one thing more that irks me a lot. People doing things after they see their friends doing it. Once in one of my blogs wrote "people do not know what they want unless they see it" and also "people do not know what they want and YOU can decide things for them". This leaves a hole in a persons character that can provide others with a chance to manipulate them for their personal use. I understand I am talking about something that people hardly think of - manipulating their friends. But what if they think?

People don't want to be alone when they seek out or something new. When they fail, they want somebody with them who has suffered the same too. Average people like mediocrity around them. They resist changes and resist anything above their level. They see yet refuse the truth. They understand but deny any knowledge. They pretend. People like to have people around them who would tell them that it is human to see failure and remind them of the famous quotes told in support of failure.

Something never change and other things refuse to stop changing. I have been experiencing this pretty closely for the last few weeks. It has caused to make a lot of difference to me and I understand it is going to continue with me as long as I am alive. People change, their lives change and we are forced to change - change our views, priorities, fundamental beliefs, standards and sometimes everything.

I have been meeting my aunt - my mother's youngest sister - for all my life at least once in 10 days. The age difference between us is 8 years and I have cousins from my father's side who she larger age differences. So, in a way my aunt was like an elder sister to me. She is in Mecca now and will come here only in 2008 when I am not sure of being here. She had been to Mecca before but it was just for a month and she was back.

My grandmother's house is all silent now. Even my grandfather has left us forever. my Uncle's children are there but they are very calm and hardly make their presence felt. My grandmother is very depressed and she will take some time to get used to the idea of not having her husband around and living away from her daughter who was with her for 28 years now. Even I have to get used to many things. I will take more time than her.

I have tried to forge some new bonds and failed miserably. But Allah has been too kind toward me and He obliged with me several new people who have become highly imperative for my happy being. He has also brought me closer to ones who were already there in my life, but were just there. They all have become an integral part of me. Then 'bond' never gets any substance. It's become an infinite wait. I feed myself on hope.

But as I have mentioned above, change is constant. And it never ceases to be constant. All of the present will change too. People will change, time will take them along giving them new heights and happinesses, and in turn, I will be made to change. The moment I resist anything, I will be conflicting with the laws of nature and this time, it can turn tragic for me.

So, now as I sit here and type all this without even checking what I am typing - grammar, spellings - but just reflecting on what my mind is presenting my hands with, I rely on what change I am going to resist. Perhaps this will look like an antithesis to the philosophy (or whatever it can be termed as) I have written above, but the changes I am going to resist will decide where I will go and where this road will take me to.

These resisted changes will be the possible threats to me - things that can harm me and let other unknown aspects to cause to harm me. These will be the negative traits in me and I am supposed to be aware of them. I rely on my weaknesses to let me know where I have to pause and where I have to stop. Strengths will give the movement and also the momentum. Weaknesses can wait. I have to make my strengths work for me. Hehehe ... the question is "when and how?" - the tragedy!

I better kill myself than do that

Yesterday, somehow I forgot to write an update and it was too late int he night (morning) when it struck me. I didn't take the efforts to beat the sleep. I slept around 3 am and woke up at 7:30 am. I was 2 minutes late to the class! Thanks to the bus that I reached soon even after starting very late from home.

Yesterday in the networks lab I literally did nothing except helping my neighbor-friend do some programs. We have been assigned with specific computer systems and this prevents from sitting next to any person who could potentially help us do the programs we are not able to do by ourselves. Maybe our sir thinks that he is doing a wonderful job this way, but I must say 'he is wrong'. Nothing is helping us!

In the afternoon I didn't attend the class. We had a test and I had to go to my grandmother's house. As scheduled, my aunt left today morning and alhamdulillah she has reached Jidda. We expect her to call again once she reaches Mecca.

The morning session in the college was just Computer Networks - from 9:15 am to 12:10 pm. I was very sleepy all through and hardly concentrated on anything. But I could managing staying awake. I reached home after 3 pm with a friend and he was with me till 6:15 pm. Along with him I also searched for some shop near my house that could refill my printer's cartridge. I didn't know it would be so easy for me. I later took the printouts for Computer Networks lab.

Yesterday late in the evening I had a long chat with my cousin. She lives in Austin and since long I had been wanting to tell her a few things which I told her yesterday. It is always wonderful to know that there is a person ready to listen to you and advice you on something you are always critical of. I was glad to she took time not only to listen to what all I had to say but also to understand what I actually meant. I am glad to have her with me.

While I was chatting with my sister, I got a call on my phone. It was a new number and I received it the way I always do. The person on the other side first confirmed with me if I was Zubair. Then from a courteous accent he became rude. He told me that was teasing some girl int he college. (I don't have a dog whose name is 'bingo'!!!) I asked "Oh! Really?" He continued and said that I was teasing his sister. While listening that itself I started wondering if by any mistake I committed that sin. I couldn't remember anything.

He said that he knows me, that I am from Muffakham Jah College and from 3rd year. I immediately told him that I would like him to come to me personally and talk. He threatened that he would be coming to my college the next day. I said I will be waiting to meet him. And I disconnected the call.

This call came when I was in the most serious mood of chatting. I was talking something with my sister and I could hardly understand what was going on. I thought I was always prepared for such calls - yes I am. I once drew all the picture in my mind and decided how I would be reacting to such a call. I did exactly the way I had thought.

After disconnecting the call I was considering calling my cousin from Deccan college. I also analyzed that if I tell about this to my father, he would straight away think of going to a police station! I didn't think what that person would be doing next - if he would really come or not! If he rally meant to threaten me or was there something else he wanted.

I wasn't afraid of meeting him. I was afraid of things I haven't done and things this guy could do to me. I was afraid of a possible fight. I was afraid that I would face something for doing nothing. I was afraid that people who don't know me would think bad about me. I was confused.

This this guy called again. I said the first words: "You were going to come tomorrow, why did you call again?" His reply was not rude now. He said he got my number from somewhere and that he was just kidding all this time. he asked me not to take anything seriously. I didn't think of asking who he was. But I am sure he knows me and he got my number from some person to whom I might have given it.

I didn't ask him who he was when he called the second time. I asked that to him in the first call. But whoever her was and even that he asked me not to take it seriously, I am sorry to say that I am very serious and he will know about that in a day or two. I have his number with him. And I know many people who can be rude if I request them to. I don't like such jokes being played on me, especially when the person is a stranger to me. And most importantly, he charged me with something I detest and would never do - I better kill myself than do that.

Fear of night and sleep... Allahuakbar

Today while in the 2nd class of the morning session I was studying maths. It was a class of Design and Analysis of Algorithms and our Professor lecturer is lenient enough to let us do what we want. He even pays no attention to the proxy attendance many students call out for their friends. I finally started studying for CAT - the quantitative section; I had already started english - and I was doing algebra today.

Yesterday night I went to sleep around 1:20 am - morning to be precise. I thought I would get sleep easily. I had a terrible night. I couldn't sleep at least till 4 am. It was completely disturbed with many silly dreams waking me up every few minutes. I was feeling some kind of fear within me and I wished there was sunlight around. I didn't wan to be on my bed in the darkness. I thought of waking up my parents but had no good reason to tell them. I was praying continuously and hoped that I fall asleep.

I was very sleepy all through the day. I jumped into the bed immediately after coming home. But now, as the time for me to go to sleep is nearing, I sense some kind of fear again. I wish I don't have to sleep. I am ready to bear the head ache I have and keep myself awake. I helpless now. I even wish I had somebody beside me, with me, to talk to me continuously and make me feel that I am not alone.

Tomorrow I have a test in the afternoon class. I sat down to study and was with the text book for more than 30 minutes. I red some definitions and nothing else. I will go through the rest in the college itself - if possible. Friday morning my aunt is leaving for Mecca and tomorrow afternoon I had to go to her house and help her with a few things. I don't know if I will be writing the test. If I am not writing, I will take the lecturer's permission.

Yesterday I tried writing a poem. I thought I could pen one with ease but didn't get anything right. I wrote around 6 to 8 lines and deleted everything. I felt they were very immature as poetic lines and very idiotic conceptually. I need to rush up a little on the fundamentals of poetry. I once searched for some material on the internet but didn't read anything. I will do it in my next favorable leisure.

Alhamdulillah

I got another testimonial for me. Something good was written about me again. I liked it. But I know I shouldn't get excited with anything nice I hear about me. I have a long way to go! For many things!

Today morning after waking up around 10 am I started typing the post for this blog. But even before I could finish it the connection got broke and I had to post it in the evening. So, I am here, again, to write about today!

I had initially planned to go to my uncle's house. Even my mother went there. I had decided to leave around 1 pm. But by the time I could actually get ready was 2 pm and till then my mother was back. I was wanting to get a few softwares from my uncle using a USB drive. But my brother was using it so there was no chance for me. I gave a thought to not going out and I removed my shoes and slept for 2 hours.

In the evening I studied for sometime and was back to my computer. I posted the update which I had saved in the morning and had chats with a few friends and cousins. I even cleaned my computer a little - deleted many useless files, uninstalled some software I was not using, ran the disk clean up wizard and performed a disk defragment. I did all this in the afternoon itself before getting ready!

There is a lot of talk going on at home about the beard I have presently. My parents and my brother have started to tease me now. Even my relatives have asked me if I was going to keep it. I have a simple answer. I will shave it till Friday. I have no particular reason for shaving it before this particular day, and there is no reason necessary to be written here why I didn't shave it for so long! But somehow I like my face when I look into the mirror. Nobody has commented in a positive way till now. Friday!

I was browsing the internet when I came across a blog http://topqualitiesofmenandwomen.blogspot.com/ .I found the article there interesting and good, and thought that it would be nice that I share it here on my blog. This was the lone article on that blog and I do not know who the author is.

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"Top Ten Qualities of Men and Women

There are many articles available today about what is the perfect attributes to have in order for a man or a woman to adore you or be attracted to you. The following is our Top Ten List of qualities or attributes that if you or your partner have will guarantee you to have a healthy, balanced relationship as well as being an attractive person both inside and out.

1)BALANCED: Balanced can mean many things, for the purposes of our article, we mean that you or your partner has a good sense of boundaries, that that you and your partner are a whole person and have a healthy lifestyle.

More specifically, you or your partner knows how to maintain their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of their partner. They understand the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

It is important that you or your partner considers themself already a whole person, that you or your partner doesn’t need someone to fill themselves up or complete them in order to be a complete person. They need to have the belief system that a partner is there to enhance and support their natural, authentic expression, but is not needed to complete who they are.

A healthy balance in their lifestyle is also important such as not working themselves too much, drinking or eating too much or doing anything in excess.

2)CONFIDENT: You or your partner are self-confident and have high self esteem. You are confident that you can handle new things, even if you have never done it before or if you may not get it right the first time around. You or your partner has an internal point of reference; you do not need to have reassurance and complements from others to be confident. At the same time you are confident enough to accept compliments or criticism, and are not afraid to give compliments to other people.

3) INDEPENDENT You can be a functional person without relying on another person and you are not codependent.

Codependency is a condition that results from dysfunctional patterns based on unhealthy relationships. These dysfunctional patterns are socially learned patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting which result in dependency on other people, places, organizations, things and events to create approval, appreciation, self worth and love to achieve a sense of safety, self esteem, purpose and identity.

4)RELATIONSHIP MASTERY SKILLS: You or your partner knows how to relate in a relationship. You or your partner know important skills like communication skills, conflict resolution and negotiation techniques.

5)EMOTIONAL OPENNESS: You and your partner are able to be emotionally open and honest, being able to express your opinions and be comfortable enough to allow and support your partner’s emotional openness as well.

6)EMPATHETIC: You or your partner need to be able to empathize with the emotions, point of view and experiences of your partner, to be able to get right into their heads and feelings without judgment or trying to fix their situation.

7)UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: You and your partner need to understand the concept of unconditional love, to be able to love you partner whether you agree with their beliefs, emotions, feelings or behaviors. To be able to transcend the conditional love paradigm, even if you are not getting what you want at the given time.

8)ON DHARMIC PATH: A person who is on their dharmic path is someone who is in bliss for a great deal of their day. What a wonderful inspiration to be with someone who is on path.

9)NON-RESISTANT TO CHANGE: You or your partner is someone who is not in resistance to change, or at the very least understands when they are in resistance to change and allows themselves to go through the stages of adapting to change without resisting the process. You or your partner would need to understand and accept that change is a natural part of life.

10)SENSE OF HUMOUR: When the going gets tough, the tough start laughing. Do you ever find that when you make light of a difficult situation is a lot easier to get through? Well, having a partner who can make light of a situation (of course while still empathizing with your situation) is much easier on you than a partner who freaks out whenever something happens. Laughter brings gentle strength and renews your focus so you can be open to new ways of dealing with the situation.

Compatibility and knowing what are your wants, needs and requirements are all vital to finding your highest and best relationship. The list above, although depending upon your level of consciousness may seem a little out of reach. However, regardless of your personality and what you are seeking in a partner and what your partner is seeking in you, the list above are fail safe attributes that are universal to everyone that are within everyone’s reach and will guarantee a healthy relationship that sets the stage for both stability and expansion."

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Now a days my parents are hooked to a channel, Peace TV. Alhamdulillah they have reduced the viewing of silly television programs they used to watch. Peace TV is owned by IRF, an organization headed by Dr. Zakir Naik. Islamic Research Foundation mostly concentrates on comparative religion and also on Dawah work. In this channel they telecast programs in which various Muslim scholars speak. Apart from Dr. Zakir Naik, there are scholars from many parts of the world including US and far east. The channel is wonderful and precise.

Though I am not watching it regularly, the sound from the TV is always heard even when I am in the living room in front of my computer. Sometimes I do sit with my father and watch; dinner is accompanied by some TV. The talks of Dr. Zakir Naik are getting so into me that today while I was sleeping I saw a dream where I was sitting in one of his shows. I hear his voice everywhere whenever I am in the drawing room where the TV is kept!

Sunday and Monday

Sunday morning I woke up at 8:15 am after sleeping around 3 am. I rushed for the class at CL. I was a little late to enter the class but still not the last one to enter. We had a class for Data Interpretation. It was interesting and went on up to 11:45 am. After reaching home I ate something and crashed out. In the evening we went to my uncle's house.

Yesterday we were supposed to have tests in both of the 2 morning classes - ALC and OOSD. I had prepared for neither of the two - very much like a few of my friends; I am not justifying! I decided not to attend the first period - ALC. I woke up a little late but had to spend a little more time at the bus stand and so by the time I reached the college it was already 11 am. The 2nd class starts at 10:50.

I messaged a friend who was inside the class asking him if I could enter. I waited for the reply for 10 minutes. I received nothing. I left the place with a few of my classmates who have bunked that class and we sat in the ground watching some people play cricket. Later around 11:30 am I received a message that it is too late and I can't enter the class now. My message had reached him 20 minutes late. I even came to know that the lecturer allowed some students to enter even at 11 am. I could have well got in if my message had reached my friend the moment I sent him.

In the afternoon I had OOSD lab where along with a batch mate I had to create some model for the project we are doing. Here in this lab we are using Rational Rose as our UML. The project we are doing is just limited to paperwork and some basic modeling on the software. We are not really going to implement what we are modeling. Our diagrams for the topic we have taken was too complicated but still we are going ahead with it.

I reached home at 5:45 pm. After magrib I sat with my computer. Around 1 am in I finally finished making the blog for which I have been working for the last 3 days. It was finally ready and I was satisfied. There were things I wanted to include but couldn't due to some problems with HTML codes and also my lack of knowledge on a few concepts. I somehow managed.

There were a few very small things I did which that made me feel glad of myself. The one that gave the most happiness was the way I edited the banner of an existing template. I took me a couple of hours to search and decide the template I was going to use. But this one had only one image on the right corner of its banner and the rest of it was plain in color. I liked the template in general so I wanted to use it anyways.

I searched the code to see if I could find the banner code. I was just going through the lines when I incidentally came across the precise sentence of code. It was the link to the servers of blogger.com where the photograph of the banner was saved. I immediately downloaded it.

I already have the setup files of some photo editing softwares including photoshop, photoimpact and one by cannon. I installed 2 of them and tried with this picture of the banner. I tried to see if I could overlap 2 pictures and make them one. I couldn’t. I didn’t spend time on this. I know there must be a way for this.

After a lot of experimenting I could finally make the banner to my satisfaction. Then I uploaded this onto my account in googlepages. I took its link from there, opened the template code again and placed the path address into the same place from where I had taken the link of the banner. I replaced the existing with the new one I had made. I was glad to see the changes taking place the way I wanted them to.

I slept around 3 am and woke up at after 10. I had tea and now I am hungry – I need to have breakfast. My parents have left out for some work. They have a holiday today – even I – the reason being that today is the 10th of Moharram – the day on which this world was created. My mother is fasting.

Friday and Saturday

Thursday night - morning actually - by the time I slept it was almost 4 am. I had to wake up at 10 am and I left for my grandmother's house. There I helped my aunt do some packing of her luggage which she would be taking with her t Mecca on the coming Friday. Then I sat with my uncle's computer. I fixed the CD writer and the RAM and we formatted his hard-drive. I came back home around 8:30 pm.

Today morning I was reminded of filling up a slam book given to me by a friend. I had very little time but I did it and started from home for the college at 8:45 am. Interestingly I reached the college at 9:15. It took me just 30 minutes where as sometimes even a complete hour becomes less. The lecturers were perhaps in a good mood today! There were 2 classes and it apparently looked to me as if they passed away very fast.

I left my my uncle's house again. A friend dropped me there. I had my lunch, spent some time on the computer browsing through the hundreds of new softwares my uncle has brought from his office, slept for an hour, had the afternoon tea and left for CL at 5:15 pm. I was there well before time. We had an English Usage class and we studied Deductions and Logical Reasoning. It was interesting.

My friend at CL didn't come today so I had to take a bus back home. He has a bike and usually drops me when he is there. I reached home a little after 9:15 pm. My parents told me that 2 of my cousin sisters were going to come to meet us at 10 pm.

They came and spent around 30 minutes here. They wanted to meet us ever since they heard about my grandfather's demise. They called before and now they visited. We usually meet at parties and marriage functions. The last time they were here was around a year back. They are busy with their families and kids. Both of them have cute babies now! My elder cousin brother brought them here.

Today a friend wrote a testimonial for me on my Orkut profile. Thanks to my friend for that but I really don't know if I am worth that much or not. Perhaps a fault or two I have in me would have made it a little exciting. But now I search for a word that would describe a feeling I have presently. The feeling of lowering my head as a social gesture to thank. :D

Since yesterday evening I have browsing and going through a lot of websites that provide graphic images and animations for blogs and websites. Today I searched websites offering templates for blogs. I found some nice ones but I am not happy. The new version of beta is turning out to be a blockade - many codes don't work in blogger beta!

Today I did a lot of thinking on a few particular things while traveling in the buses - I had around 2 to 3 hours in them. I felt nice about a few things and bad about the same things! Everything was about one basic idea - it has been troubling me more almost 2 years now. I prayed to Allah so much but never were my prayers on this precisely on what I wanted. Some times I was even shy to ask Allah for that. And when I asked I was guilty. He knows what is good for me and what good is right for me. He has been very kind to me always. I thank Him with tears.

Around 3 pm today I told my uncle that it was exactly one week back that around this time my grandfather expired. 7 days have passed and I guess I have learnt a little by now how to live with the feeling of not having him in my life. The process is still on.

An exit from one place is an entry to some other place

There wasn't much that happened today except for the long hours I spent on the internet after coming home. I even took a nap before that. I saw many videos on youtube.com, browsed through many pics through google images and listened to 2-3 songs. Before listening to them I asked my mother if I could, she said its fine if I feel like but asked me to keep the volume. Like always I had the earphones ready. I didn't listen much though.

I had Computer Networks lab in the morning from 10 am. I sat alone on the system given to me and typed continuously from my friends book. I copied around 8 programs from there. The rest of the time I wasted experimenting. The afternoon class was left 45 minutes early. I was with friends till 3:40 pm in the college and 4:10 in the bus.

I even had chats with almost 10 people today. Some conversations were long and some were very short. One of them is still on - more than 3 hours passed till now. I thought of sleeping without updating but felt that writing a few lines shouldn't take much time.

Tomorrow I will be going to my grandmother's house. I even have to return my uncle's CD writer and we will be arranging some furniture there. I even have to fix a few things in his computer. He brought some extra RAM and a hard-drive. His monitor too has some problem and someday later we will take it to CTC in Secunderabad.

Today a friend of mine left early. When another called him he said he has a bad mood and he wants to go somewhere far away. He said he has a free bus pass and he can go anywhere. He seems to be exactly opposite of what I do. I prefer staying with my friends and talking to them as much as possible. They always make me feel good.

Today's title appeared as a quote in some newspaper some days back. I liked it and wanted to use it. Today I saw somebody having it on his orkut profile. And so, it is here on my blog - I was reminded.

I need time to move on

Today afternoon I didn't feel like attending the Computer graphics lab and so, I asked a friend if he could stay with me and spend sometime in the college without attending any class. He agreed. But he said it openly too that I wanted others to be there. My other friends were also not so interested in attending the classes and we were together till almost 4:30 pm. A few left before. I was happy being there with everybody around. I wanted some time.

Yesterday late in the evening I got a cell phone activated. It was gifted to my by my uncle and I was afraid that my parents wouldn't let me use it. I didn't even had to ask for it and I my number with me.

Several years back when cell phones in India were new, my uncle - father's elder brother - purchased one. Then and even now whenever somebody calls him, he receives the call by having the first word said by him as his name. He hardly looks as the phone number of the calling person. He simply says his name and then proceeds with the conversation. Even level.since I saw him doing this, I had decided that I would be emulating him.

But now that this style has been viewed my several people in the movie 'Don', I guess I will have to abjure this idea of doing it like my uncle. It's disheartening to me that a movie of Shah Rukh Khan is stopping me from doing it. I won't be doing it as I don't want anybody to say that I am imitating Don. I just wanted to be like my uncle - walking tall, professional and independent.

My grandfather used to fill water in a glass and keep it in his room so that he will not have to make frequent trips to the other room where water is kept. On Saturday too he might have done the same thing. On Sunday when my aunt and I were moving some furniture in his room we found the glass in a shelf. It was full, filled with water, and covered with a plastic cover. That Saturday my grandfather didn't know that he was not going to drink it.

There was a table in a corner of his room on which he had some books, his medicines, shaving kit in a corner, some boxes having scissors, a set of magnets for magneto therapy, his toothbrush and paste and a few other things. There was a box that stacked biscuits for him. He ate them a few times everyday at fixed timings. The box i still there with the biscuits. He is not going to eat them. The same is the case with a box that has some dry fruits in it. He had to eat them to maintain his cholesterol level. There is a bottle of honey too. It's full.

On Saturday I reached his house at 3:20 pm. Unlike every time I go there, I didn't go to his room to greet him. Even he calls out my name and asks me how I am and if I was coming from my college. That day he didn't. I was very hungry and I told the same thing to one of my two aunts there. At 3:30 pm my mother arrived from her office. I told my aunt that it was after many years mother was coming early on a Saturday. Allah sent her early with a purpose.

My aunt asked me if I can skip the class at CL that evening. She wanted me to o some packing as she was scheduled to leave for Mecca on 26th. I told her that I would do it the next day - Sunday. I said that it is important that I attend the class. I didn't know I was not going to attend.

The moment my mother entered the room she started shouting. On her way home she received around 10 calls from her office asking for some file which was in one of the several cabinets in her room. She had to instruct people to search for that file and she was thinking that she might have to go back should the file be not found. She was almost crying saying that life for her was so unfair. Then finally the file was locate and she was relieved. But in those 30 minutes she said a lot of rubbish. She didn't know that her father was lying dead in the room just next to where she was standing.

While she was shouting on the phone and even at herself, for a second I thought about my grandfather. He always becomes a part of all conversation that takes place in the home. He also greets my mother and always waits for her to come on Saturdays. There was no sound from her but I thought he was sleeping. I didn't strike me that he never slept this way. He always used to get disturbed very easily.

Around 4 pm, like daily, my grandmother went to his room with a cup of milk. She tried to wake him up. He didn't respond. She shouted to call my aunt. She went and shook him and shouted several times. We were there already. My grandfather was cold by now and he looked a little blue. I couldn't believe it.

My mother, grandmother and aunts started crying. Hearing this our neighbor came. There was a doctor too. She checked my grandfather's wrists. She was already negative when she asked us to take him to hospital. I ran out to get an rickshaw. He never ran that way on a street before. By the time I reached home the neighbor had already put a sheet of cloth on my grandfather's face. I shouted and told that we should take him to the hospital. Somebody said that it was all over. I still wanted to take him to the hospital. I couldn't believe that he could leave us this way. I had not even met him. I had to talk to him like I do every Saturday. My mother had to meet him. that day he was taken to a doctor int he morning and we had to ask him how he was feeling now. The doctor had told him that he was a little better.

It took some time to understand what had happened. Just fine minutes back I was sitting in the other room waiting for my mother to finish her phone calls so that we could have our lunch. I was so hungry. I had not had my breakfast that morning. I had the first meal of the day around 10pm. My grandfather never took rest until he saw me eating food in the afternoons on Saturdays. He wasn't there to scold me this time. If he had know that because of him I was having my meal so late, he would have cried.

the last one month he spent his time in a very depressed state. He used to weep literally for simple things. He had lost all his sheen and might but still used to shout so much at ever small thing that was not in its place. That morning he had scolded the servant maid and had made her clean some blocked drains. He had taken a walk outside. He spoken for an hour with my aunts. My youngest aunt was leaving on 26th so he used to tell her that he would not be here when she would visit the country in 2008. He would cry.

He always said that my uncle shouldn't come when he dies. My uncle had initially told him that he would be arriving here on 20th. Some problem with his passport delayed his arrival. My grandfather left us on 20th. Uncle came on 22nd. We completed the funeral rights after the fajar of 21st. My grandfather had a smile on his face when I saw his body for the last time. It was just after the bath given to him.

I was asked be there when the bath was being given. My uncle asked me to get down in the grave and do the rituals. I was afraid to do either of the two things. I felt myself weak. Perhaps I should have done it. I remember the days when he used to take me out to buy me chocolates holding my small and weak hands. I was afraid now to hold him and help him into his final place on the earth.

He left so much behind. So many things, so many memories. Every single things hurts me now. tears roll down simply without me having to think anything. It simply hurts and I can't define it. It is terrible. There seems to be no way out of this change I have to live with. I know many more of such things are ahead on my way to the grave.

My grandfather always wanted me to have a cell phone Now that I have it, he is not there to see. It looks so unfair. But it's all Allah's wish and I complain not even a bit. He is great.

He can't leave me this way

I still didn't feel like writing but finally thought of putting a few lines. I went to the college today but left early - at 1 pm. I went to my grandmother's house. Yesterday morning my uncle - mother's brother - arrived here from Saudi Arabia. He wanted me to stay with him in the night but I had to go to the college and so, I didn't. Today I was with him in the afternoon and evening. He may not be going back to Saudi. He will stay with my grandmother.

I have several thoughts in my mind. I have seen and experienced so much in the last few days. I have learned so much and did things I never wanted to do and was afraid was. I want to put them all in words but I am confused if I should really do it. It's all about my grandfather. Right from the morning of Saturday till today evening.

Alhamdulillah things are better now. I have seen how it is human for us to find small happiness even when the atmosphere is filled with the air of sadness. It is like alternating between smiles and tears. I have seen tears roll down from my eyes even when I wasn't thinking anything about my grandfather. I didn't cry the way others did, but I need to break open and relieve myself. I am still shocked. Life won't be the same from now on.

Whenever I was at my grandparents' house I was used to having so many constraints on me. There were so many things I wasn't supposed to do without taking my grandfather's permission. Not just me but everybody else. Now there is nobody to stop. I felt guilt so many times moving things in my grandfather's room because nobody ever had the chance to move anything from it's place unless he had asked for it. He is no more there to stop anybody.

We have no authority above us now - the authority which we all loved; which I had felt and lived with for more than 20 years. The last day of the Islamic calender took him away from us. I still have a feeling that he is there, somewhere, in the house, with us, yet silent. He hasn't left. I need time to believe that.