I didnt wish to bunck any class today but when I found that my lab record was in no way like I had wanted it to be, I lost that wish. I didnt go to the lab cos I didnt like to submit the record that way. I came home at around 4:30 pm. Wanted to talk to some friends but I guess I will do it tomorrow (today, now).
The time I am spending on orkut is increasing everyday. I found many of my old friends there and I guess it is better to scrap there than chat in yahoo messenger.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
Good and evil
A friend of mine seems to have some problem with me - he wants to define the differences between good and bad even when i told him that it is better off as good and evil http://wahfais.blogspot.com He will take some lessons from me very soon.
I had a better day today. We left the college early without attending the afternoon class and I spent a lot of time on the internet especially with orkut. I had been thinking of adding somebody and even my friends have asked me to go ahead with it but I am still afraid. Seems to be a joke ... I have a keyboard in my hands which is mightier not just than a sword but a tank and I am afraid of making a few clicks with my mouse. Actually, the mouse must be a little weaker. :D
I haven't read my friend's post completely even till now. I had chats with many people on orkut and even on yahoo messenger. I didn't get the time and the right mood. I was preoccupied with some other thoughts!
I had a better day today. We left the college early without attending the afternoon class and I spent a lot of time on the internet especially with orkut. I had been thinking of adding somebody and even my friends have asked me to go ahead with it but I am still afraid. Seems to be a joke ... I have a keyboard in my hands which is mightier not just than a sword but a tank and I am afraid of making a few clicks with my mouse. Actually, the mouse must be a little weaker. :D
I haven't read my friend's post completely even till now. I had chats with many people on orkut and even on yahoo messenger. I didn't get the time and the right mood. I was preoccupied with some other thoughts!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Nothing much for today
I didnt do anything more than going to the class at CL. Rest of the time i spent silently in front of my computer and on the bed reading and thinking.
I asked my father to take us for some outing but my brother had to study so we stayed indoors.
I asked my father to take us for some outing but my brother had to study so we stayed indoors.
Saturday, September 9, 2006
Today afternoon and evening I wasn't me
I had only one class in the college today but I was there till 5 pm. I left home at 8:30 in the morning and was back at 9:10 in the evening.
The class I had in the college started at around 10:25 am. I went to the lab for print outs at 12:15 pm I guess and was there till 3:00 pm. I would have spent more time but there was a power failure. There were 4 sets of print outs I will along with a friend and we took around 200 pages for our work. It hasn't been completed yet. Till here my day was wonderful - full of happiness and cheer.
When I left the lab and was on the stairs I saw somebody sitting there with a friend. I kept my face bowed down as usual but this time I raised my eyes to have a look. That person had already turned the face away from me. That person knew I was there and wantedly didn't look at me. It seemed as if I am being ignored, dumped, hated ... it was hurting. I must learn how to keep my eyes to myself. Should I have not looked up at that person, I had been writing a jovial post today.
I sat behind the library with 2 of my friends and had kunch. I was not fine. Then we went to our football ground where some students of Mechanical department were constructing something like a helicpoter which they were terming as ... I don't remember, sorry. Without even telling my friend, I started moving towards some corner in the ground to sit there. They followed me. I simply can't write down the way I behaved there. I spoke what came to my mouth, I was playing with leaves, stones, ants, everything I could find around me. I was not conscious and not in control of myself. I was laughing but all the time I was afraid I would break into tears.
We sat there till 4:50 pm. My friends left me and I was alone. Perhaps lonely. I had my class at CL from 6:30 pm and it was hardly 5 pm now. I roamed around for some time. I dont know why I did that. I hope I would find someboday but also hoped that I dont get to see anybody.
Then I thought I should leave the college. I went to a near by busstand and stood there for sometime. I wanted to sit but there wasnt any place there. I went to 2 more busstands after that thinking that I would get some pleace to sit but all I got was some rest from the busstop's shelter columns. I had to pass time and it wasn't moving. Ther was nothing I could do. I think I felt that way.
I didnt go to CL because there again I would be alone till the class starts. Somehow I escaped those 70 minutes and I was at CL. I was very tired and was in no mood to concentrate in the class. Somehow I managed to participate in all the discussions and came back ome at 9:10 pm. My friend who is also my classmate there dropped me home else I would have reached home only at 10 pm.
My father had not parked the car properly so I had to take the weel in my hands after some weeks. I took it as a chance and drove for a few minutes. I took a turn in the dark streets of military area near my house. Then into Salarjung Colony and back to tolichowki speeding at 75kmph. I broke the rules today. I drove so fast with some havy flow of traffic. I hope nobody comes to know about this. I think I was feeling some anger when I was driving and it was evidnt from the force I was putting on the accelerator. I had the vehicle in my control no doubt. My father drives at 80 kmph sometimes.
I have been listening to slow songs since then.
The class I had in the college started at around 10:25 am. I went to the lab for print outs at 12:15 pm I guess and was there till 3:00 pm. I would have spent more time but there was a power failure. There were 4 sets of print outs I will along with a friend and we took around 200 pages for our work. It hasn't been completed yet. Till here my day was wonderful - full of happiness and cheer.
When I left the lab and was on the stairs I saw somebody sitting there with a friend. I kept my face bowed down as usual but this time I raised my eyes to have a look. That person had already turned the face away from me. That person knew I was there and wantedly didn't look at me. It seemed as if I am being ignored, dumped, hated ... it was hurting. I must learn how to keep my eyes to myself. Should I have not looked up at that person, I had been writing a jovial post today.
I sat behind the library with 2 of my friends and had kunch. I was not fine. Then we went to our football ground where some students of Mechanical department were constructing something like a helicpoter which they were terming as ... I don't remember, sorry. Without even telling my friend, I started moving towards some corner in the ground to sit there. They followed me. I simply can't write down the way I behaved there. I spoke what came to my mouth, I was playing with leaves, stones, ants, everything I could find around me. I was not conscious and not in control of myself. I was laughing but all the time I was afraid I would break into tears.
We sat there till 4:50 pm. My friends left me and I was alone. Perhaps lonely. I had my class at CL from 6:30 pm and it was hardly 5 pm now. I roamed around for some time. I dont know why I did that. I hope I would find someboday but also hoped that I dont get to see anybody.
Then I thought I should leave the college. I went to a near by busstand and stood there for sometime. I wanted to sit but there wasnt any place there. I went to 2 more busstands after that thinking that I would get some pleace to sit but all I got was some rest from the busstop's shelter columns. I had to pass time and it wasn't moving. Ther was nothing I could do. I think I felt that way.
I didnt go to CL because there again I would be alone till the class starts. Somehow I escaped those 70 minutes and I was at CL. I was very tired and was in no mood to concentrate in the class. Somehow I managed to participate in all the discussions and came back ome at 9:10 pm. My friend who is also my classmate there dropped me home else I would have reached home only at 10 pm.
My father had not parked the car properly so I had to take the weel in my hands after some weeks. I took it as a chance and drove for a few minutes. I took a turn in the dark streets of military area near my house. Then into Salarjung Colony and back to tolichowki speeding at 75kmph. I broke the rules today. I drove so fast with some havy flow of traffic. I hope nobody comes to know about this. I think I was feeling some anger when I was driving and it was evidnt from the force I was putting on the accelerator. I had the vehicle in my control no doubt. My father drives at 80 kmph sometimes.
I have been listening to slow songs since then.
Friday, September 8, 2006
It takes two to speak the truth. I don't have the other person to listen to it.
I am doing fine.
I don't want to live somewhere staying between being known and unknown, between visible and invisible, between being liked and disliked, between being spoken of and neglected, between being loved or hated. It is like hanging between the two ends of life that are defined as having life and also posessing it as one end and ... huh! what the heck ...
I do not know what I am doing and what I have done in the last 5 days. I am not getting the right person to talk to and express myself about this. And this blog is not the right place to do it. I want somebody who would talk back - blogs don't talk. But I also hope I never get such kind of a person. Its too much to handle. Actually the truth is that I don't deserve to have anybody like that because I don't think I can be the same kind of person for that person. I don't think I can myself listen to things I want to share now. So when that person has something like this to share I may not be willing to accept it. All this would be because I may not be loving that person. It is necessary that I love that person.
There are in two ways that the title of today's post is applicable to me. I will write down the first way. In relation to the previous paragraph, when I have something to say and when I don't find anybody - even if what I want to say is a big truth and it is necessary that it is said - it hurts. So I have no way to let the truth out. I can well write it here on the blog. But as I have already said, blogs don't speak.
Bottom line: The first line of today's post has no integrity. I don't say it's wrong. It just lacks intgrity.
I don't want to live somewhere staying between being known and unknown, between visible and invisible, between being liked and disliked, between being spoken of and neglected, between being loved or hated. It is like hanging between the two ends of life that are defined as having life and also posessing it as one end and ... huh! what the heck ...
I do not know what I am doing and what I have done in the last 5 days. I am not getting the right person to talk to and express myself about this. And this blog is not the right place to do it. I want somebody who would talk back - blogs don't talk. But I also hope I never get such kind of a person. Its too much to handle. Actually the truth is that I don't deserve to have anybody like that because I don't think I can be the same kind of person for that person. I don't think I can myself listen to things I want to share now. So when that person has something like this to share I may not be willing to accept it. All this would be because I may not be loving that person. It is necessary that I love that person.
There are in two ways that the title of today's post is applicable to me. I will write down the first way. In relation to the previous paragraph, when I have something to say and when I don't find anybody - even if what I want to say is a big truth and it is necessary that it is said - it hurts. So I have no way to let the truth out. I can well write it here on the blog. But as I have already said, blogs don't speak.
Bottom line: The first line of today's post has no integrity. I don't say it's wrong. It just lacks intgrity.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Oops... ... ...
I just lost the idea that I had to update this blog. Its already 1:15 am now and I suppose this is not the right time for them to write - I am feelilng dead sleepy.
Yesterday I was cut off from teh internet as there was some mingling of the cables with some ganeesh procession! Its back now and I am glad it is. I posted the article I had written yestday night and it was something I had to think several times before publishing it. For those who may questions my intentions, there is only one thing I would like to say - I am not a sadist or a masochist.
Since yesterday my keyboard had been giving some problems. I was getting disconnected from its receiver. It has a small button that pairs with the one on the receiver and it was getting connected back again after I was pressing them simultaneously. Today I realised that it was time for me to change its batterries. I have been using the some ones - Duracell - since September 14th, 2004. Amazing capacity!... and of course - keyboard is mightier than sword!
Not bad - I think this is big enough to be called as an update!
Yesterday I was cut off from teh internet as there was some mingling of the cables with some ganeesh procession! Its back now and I am glad it is. I posted the article I had written yestday night and it was something I had to think several times before publishing it. For those who may questions my intentions, there is only one thing I would like to say - I am not a sadist or a masochist.
Since yesterday my keyboard had been giving some problems. I was getting disconnected from its receiver. It has a small button that pairs with the one on the receiver and it was getting connected back again after I was pressing them simultaneously. Today I realised that it was time for me to change its batterries. I have been using the some ones - Duracell - since September 14th, 2004. Amazing capacity!... and of course - keyboard is mightier than sword!
Not bad - I think this is big enough to be called as an update!
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Fool me to forgetting
I wrote 2 poems today. I gave no thought to what I was going to write - I opened MS-Word, started and what I got in words is on Gridlocked.
My yesterday's post was too lengthy - of more than 2100 words. But today I felt I had written a little more that what I should have actually written. I had no intentions to prove anything about my mother; I just wrote everything thinking that someday after few years I would read it and recollect the incident. I love my mother and I have nothing against her. She has a right to stop me from doing anything. But sometimes it may happen that I will be doing things against her will but those all shall be ethically and religiously correct. I will do my best not to hurt her yet get along with what I wish to do.
Today I was in the college at 9:20 pm. My sir was already in the class but he had not started teaching. In the afternoon I had a lab and I had decided that I would attend it at any cost. Only 3 of us were ready to attend it. Other followed us. Around 10 attended finally.
I didnt get to chat with any of my relatives or my friends today except one. Though 2 of my cousins are online presently (11:45 pm), I am invisible to them and I dont feel like chatting with anybody. I dont know but its simple ....
I had wanted to write things like I am a fool that I dont feel doing anything or I am not happy. But I guess I become more unhappy when I tell myself that I am unhappy. I think I will watch television for sometime before sleeping. I somehow have to change my mind and there is no crazy thing like the television that can fool me to forgetting.
Tomorrow is a holiday and I hope to do several things including the washing of the next set of my clothes and reading some papers I had kept. I also hope I get the right mood (again) to make me write a post for Flowing Emotions. I feel pathetic when I find my blogs starving for updates!
My yesterday's post was too lengthy - of more than 2100 words. But today I felt I had written a little more that what I should have actually written. I had no intentions to prove anything about my mother; I just wrote everything thinking that someday after few years I would read it and recollect the incident. I love my mother and I have nothing against her. She has a right to stop me from doing anything. But sometimes it may happen that I will be doing things against her will but those all shall be ethically and religiously correct. I will do my best not to hurt her yet get along with what I wish to do.
Today I was in the college at 9:20 pm. My sir was already in the class but he had not started teaching. In the afternoon I had a lab and I had decided that I would attend it at any cost. Only 3 of us were ready to attend it. Other followed us. Around 10 attended finally.
I didnt get to chat with any of my relatives or my friends today except one. Though 2 of my cousins are online presently (11:45 pm), I am invisible to them and I dont feel like chatting with anybody. I dont know but its simple ....
I had wanted to write things like I am a fool that I dont feel doing anything or I am not happy. But I guess I become more unhappy when I tell myself that I am unhappy. I think I will watch television for sometime before sleeping. I somehow have to change my mind and there is no crazy thing like the television that can fool me to forgetting.
Tomorrow is a holiday and I hope to do several things including the washing of the next set of my clothes and reading some papers I had kept. I also hope I get the right mood (again) to make me write a post for Flowing Emotions. I feel pathetic when I find my blogs starving for updates!
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