Today I let out the letter to another friend of mine. I am still trying to understand if I should hav really written all that. It was not rubbish. Even the previous one wasn't. This letter will be private - no one will read it without my knowledge!
Except for a harsh and loud shout by our DBMS lecturer, I don't remember anything remarkable for today. He shouted and asked us all to leave the class immidiately as the person wo had given someone's proxy attendence come up with his confession. No comments on this. He was staring towards me when he shouted.
Today we were told about some internship opportunity for us by our head. This thing simply gave me some tension - I will feel guilty if I don't give it my 100%, and if I try for something and if I loose, it will hurt me. I didn't want to tell about this to my parents, but I did - I just can't hide from them; have already done so much till now :D nothing bad and wrong though!
Yesterday night I came back home at 12 midnight after attending my cousin's 3rd b'day. It was ata restaurant and I met almost all of my paternal relatives who reside in India. I don't get to meet everybody at other functions b'cos it requires me to go into the ladies' (I hope this is the right spelling in the context), which I don't like! Yesterday we had common dining. Had a good time there aftet having talks on several thing with people I meet once in a while and hardly get a chance to interact - I sat with my cousin sister's husband, he was cool!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Alertness
Today I have to attend my cousin's b'day at a restaurant and this is the 2nd function I will be attending this week. The previous one was on Monday which was my cousin sister's engagement kind of thing. It was around 23 kilometers from my house and by the time I was back home it was 1:20 am. It was actually a bit early that I had expected! We didn't stay till the end of the function there.
Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.
Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.
Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.
I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.
Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.
Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.
Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.
I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
#%&^@#
My cousin brother who lives in London came here to meet us today. He is here after a gap of almost 3 years and it was such a nice feeling to see him again. He will be leaving in the 1st week of August. We all are insisting that he gets married soon and I do not know what exactly he is going to decide. Everybody seems to be in a casual mood and he said he will get married along with me 'in the same "mandap"'. This is exactly how he said. He will go back to London and will start a business of his own - a college. I wish him good luck. He has alwyas been a close cousin to me and he was the first person who took me to an English movie in a theatre. It was 'Silence of the Lambs'. It was remade in Hindi as "Sangharsh".
Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .
I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.
Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.
Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .
I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.
Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
'Senti-less-mental-more'!
Yesterday I didn't write anything much so I thought of updating early today.
Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.
We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!
Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!
I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.
I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.
I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!
I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.
Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.
We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!
Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!
I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.
I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.
I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!
I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I was at the Osmania University today and by the time I reached my grandparents' house at 5:30 pm, I could count every bone in my feet and legs that was aching. I finally reached home at 8:30 pm and was better by that time except for some mood swing sort of thing irritating me. (I don't seem to understand that I am being a fool - may be I need some different kind of dose.)
I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.
And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.
I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.
And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.
Friday, July 14, 2006
First ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it
I finally was successful in controling myself from sleeping after coming home. I kept my eyes on the computer screen downloading some e-books. I downloaded so many of them and I wish I could read all of them but unfortunately I get a head ache whenever I try to read from the screen for anything more than 15 minutes. I somehow find it easier to write than to read!
Today in the afternoon my friends and I had decided that we would go out for a movie bunking the Manegerial Economics. We went upto the parking lot and decided to go back to the class. I think we did follow - a man is all about control and discipline :D lolz
Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. The chiefest being the submission of the application for re-evaluation of a subject of my previous semister. I was expecting more than 90% marks in that subject.
I will also read "Personality Plus" in the next 2 days. I have done the personality analysis and also have taken the help of 2 frriends of mine. One of them just got me wondering if he really believes in a premise I had referred in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions - Geometry of Emotions. The other friend's opinions gave me stats similar to those I had got from a self-evaluation. So, I guess I was right in projecting things about myself! I also wanted my father to do a similarr thing for me but he has asked me to wait. His input will defenitely be of real worth because he has been seeing me since my birth. But he has no idea about me and my psychology outside home - my friends surely do know that. I thank them for the help - it was precious and it is going to hep me a lot. I hope I strictly follow what I am learning.
In the evening I read about B-Schools in a fortnightly magazine. Though I din't read the complete artice which was of quite a few pages, I was really in a state of a different desperateness with some sort of fire in my belly. I somehow need to forge myself into any of the top B-Schools. This is the first ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it. I have no other option. I pray to God to help me through. It is all His wish.
On June 27th I got an e-mail from wellwishe@yahoo.com -
"hi brother!why do u want to become vulnerable by being clearer than
mirrror .one should be like an ocean ,whose depth should be hidden....the
more u go into it the more adventures it should be."
Today when I tried to reply it, yahoo showed me a failure in delivering the mail. This was my reply -
Hi,
Who ever you are, thanx for writing.
Some weeks back I had written this in one of my posts -
"I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to
have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from
the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies
beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me
should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is
pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no
barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open
up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is
required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that
I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person
himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this."
I strictly adhere to what I had written - it was on May 16th.
So whatever clear about myself on my blogs is just the 10%!
I am always open for more.
Sorry for being late with the reply.
Regards,
Zubair
Today in the afternoon my friends and I had decided that we would go out for a movie bunking the Manegerial Economics. We went upto the parking lot and decided to go back to the class. I think we did follow - a man is all about control and discipline :D lolz
Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do. The chiefest being the submission of the application for re-evaluation of a subject of my previous semister. I was expecting more than 90% marks in that subject.
I will also read "Personality Plus" in the next 2 days. I have done the personality analysis and also have taken the help of 2 frriends of mine. One of them just got me wondering if he really believes in a premise I had referred in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions - Geometry of Emotions. The other friend's opinions gave me stats similar to those I had got from a self-evaluation. So, I guess I was right in projecting things about myself! I also wanted my father to do a similarr thing for me but he has asked me to wait. His input will defenitely be of real worth because he has been seeing me since my birth. But he has no idea about me and my psychology outside home - my friends surely do know that. I thank them for the help - it was precious and it is going to hep me a lot. I hope I strictly follow what I am learning.
In the evening I read about B-Schools in a fortnightly magazine. Though I din't read the complete artice which was of quite a few pages, I was really in a state of a different desperateness with some sort of fire in my belly. I somehow need to forge myself into any of the top B-Schools. This is the first ever big dream I have dreamt and I have to fullfill it. I have no other option. I pray to God to help me through. It is all His wish.
On June 27th I got an e-mail from wellwishe@yahoo.com -
"hi brother!why do u want to become vulnerable by being clearer than
mirrror .one should be like an ocean ,whose depth should be hidden....the
more u go into it the more adventures it should be."
Today when I tried to reply it, yahoo showed me a failure in delivering the mail. This was my reply -
Hi,
Who ever you are, thanx for writing.
Some weeks back I had written this in one of my posts -
"I believe in philosophy and I have another belief that asks me to
have the ice berg kind of a personality. Ice bergs are 10% visible from
the outside i.e., from outside the water. The rest of the 90% lies
beneath the surface. For me it means that every person who looks at me
should look at the 10% I openly show about myself. And if that person is
pleased with that, he/she is always open for the hidden 90%. There is no
barring on that. But the only condition is that I must be asked to open
up by responding in the same way i.e., opening up of that person too is
required. But I still take the first step and start with myself so that
I can give the benefit of all the doubts to that person
himself/herself. And I have found myself very successful by doing this."
I strictly adhere to what I had written - it was on May 16th.
So whatever clear about myself on my blogs is just the 10%!
I am always open for more.
Sorry for being late with the reply.
Regards,
Zubair
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I was greeted at home by my brother today. He then shared with me the noodles he then prepared.
Later in the night, I wrote a short post on what I can learn from Zizou. I first spent some time reading all the news I could get relating to him and also some material on anger control. Though I didn't go into anger control in hwat I have written, I defenitely had that in my mind while writing this post. I call this a point of view and I am sure every one has an own thing. http://xubayr.blogspot.com
I had a pleasant day today and a similar evening.
Later in the night, I wrote a short post on what I can learn from Zizou. I first spent some time reading all the news I could get relating to him and also some material on anger control. Though I didn't go into anger control in hwat I have written, I defenitely had that in my mind while writing this post. I call this a point of view and I am sure every one has an own thing. http://xubayr.blogspot.com
I had a pleasant day today and a similar evening.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)