I wrote 2 poems today. I gave no thought to what I was going to write - I opened MS-Word, started and what I got in words is on Gridlocked.
My yesterday's post was too lengthy - of more than 2100 words. But today I felt I had written a little more that what I should have actually written. I had no intentions to prove anything about my mother; I just wrote everything thinking that someday after few years I would read it and recollect the incident. I love my mother and I have nothing against her. She has a right to stop me from doing anything. But sometimes it may happen that I will be doing things against her will but those all shall be ethically and religiously correct. I will do my best not to hurt her yet get along with what I wish to do.
Today I was in the college at 9:20 pm. My sir was already in the class but he had not started teaching. In the afternoon I had a lab and I had decided that I would attend it at any cost. Only 3 of us were ready to attend it. Other followed us. Around 10 attended finally.
I didnt get to chat with any of my relatives or my friends today except one. Though 2 of my cousins are online presently (11:45 pm), I am invisible to them and I dont feel like chatting with anybody. I dont know but its simple ....
I had wanted to write things like I am a fool that I dont feel doing anything or I am not happy. But I guess I become more unhappy when I tell myself that I am unhappy. I think I will watch television for sometime before sleeping. I somehow have to change my mind and there is no crazy thing like the television that can fool me to forgetting.
Tomorrow is a holiday and I hope to do several things including the washing of the next set of my clothes and reading some papers I had kept. I also hope I get the right mood (again) to make me write a post for Flowing Emotions. I feel pathetic when I find my blogs starving for updates!
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Monday, September 4, 2006
A strategy cut off from its 'origin of necessity' results in a tragedy
I had lately developed a sort of aversion towards all the songs of Westlife. Today I heard one - 'I have dream'. Then another - 'If I let you go'. I closed Media Player because I was starting to like those songs again' all those songs that have pulled me into deep.
Saturday: Just before leaving for CL I told my father about my plan to go to Gulbarga with my cousin. Some minutes before that I had very nice talks with my father and I knew he was in a very good mood. I thought it was the best time to tell him about my plan. Then I saw him fall asleep. I thought it would make things easier for me as telling him anything after waking him from sleep wouldnt get him annoyed because he wont be able to think anything on what I say. I had to wake him up anyways as I was leaving and he had to close the door. It was natural that he wouldnt mind if I wake him up. Just as he was closing the door I said, "my cousin is planning to go to Gulbarga on Sunday evening and even I would like to go with him". Even before he would say anything, I said, "we will talk about this in the evening". He replied in positive and I left.
At 10 pm in the night, I told about this again to my fahter. I asked him if he can allow me. He was looking positive again when my mother spoke up. She said she wont allow me to go. She said she is not going to give any permission even if my father agrees to it. When I turned to my fahter for help, he said he has no objection. My mother started all things about my studies and it was clear that she had no substantial reason for stopping me. I tried hard to know why she was stopping me and I could have no answer. I found myself fully correct in my request and as even my father was in my favor, I faught back. I spoke several things and we had some arguement.
Things calmed down in some time and though there wasnt any final decision made, even after I said, "I AM going", my mother was back to normal. If she had been really angry, she wouldnthave spoken to me so well after that talk. She was so sweet untill she went to sleep.
Sunday: She had to go to her office. I was trying to contact my cousin to inform him that I have the necessary permission and he had to finalise everyhting. I was trying to contact him but his cell was switched off and he was not at home. In the meanwhile I had a chat with my cousin in Gulbarga and he said he is waiting for us to arrive there. All I neede was a confirmation from my cousin.
He finally spoke in the evening around 5:30 pm. He said he was busy and he would take the permission from his parents and get back to me shortly. We even decided that we would leave early morning on Monday.
Around 8 pm I told my father that i would be laving the next mornig. He said fine ... but after tha followed an hour of arguement between me and my mother. she said what all she could speak without thinking. I was wondering all along if there was a single thing she really meant to say. I knew her blood pressure was high and she looses her control over herself when this happens. I simply didnt mind her telling all this. I also knew that she was trying to show anger and it looked so clear that she had already given me the permission to go and she was just throwing some left over talks on me.
After that everything was fine again and I was waiting for my cousin to call me back. I had soem nice time wiht my parents and my mohter asked me about the time I would be leaving and if I want her to cook something for me in the morning. Everything was pleasant and decded.
At this moment of time I felt I had become successful in understanding my parents to and extent and when I know I am not wrong, I can convince them for anything. Along with that I also told myself that I would never be doing anything wrong that is religiously and ethically incorrect. I knew that me going to Gulbarga had nohting wrong in it - I wasnt missing any of my prayers of doing anything bad. It was just 2 days of college that i was missing and that I knew is never a big problem.
He finally came online around 11:10pm. After greeting me he said, "sorry". I initially thought he was kidding. He then told me that he had been spending a lot of time with is friends and was coming home only in the nights so his parents didnt give him the necessary permission. My heart sank. He said he tried a lot and there seems to be no hope.
After hearing that from him, I started thingking who was wrong or what went wrong. If my cousin had got the permission from his parents, then we both would have been so happy. I knew even he was hurt. We had been planning this for the past 1 month and still were waiting for the right time. Everything collapsed.
I had faught with my mother for no reason - I didnt get anything from it. I faought with her and that itself is a personal loss. The way I was calling this a strategy came down crasing and turned into a kind of tragedy! I was in a big low after knowing that I wont be going.
Thenext day, today - Monday, I woke up at 8 am in the morning. I had slept late and I had to leavefor the college immediately. I was still sleepy so I thought I would sleep a little more and leave the first class. I woke up at 9:30 a. It was just 10 minutes my mother usually leaves for her office. I went straight into the bathroom thinking that I would tell my mother, that I am not going to Gulbarga but to college, after brushing my teeth. She was bit busy and I started ironing my clothes. I heard the door closing in theliving room. I realised that my mother had left. I was confused for a few seconds - she had spoken to me in the morning. It was for the first time that she didnt tell me that she was leaving or she had not even asked me to close the door. I had to tell her that I was not leaving for anyother place but was just going to the college.
She was angry with me. I was amazed thinking about that. I thought it was her ego. My father was supporting me and she didnt like that. She didnt like to see that I was going against somehting she was doing - stopping me. She didnt like me not listening to her. She had no other reason. I simply asked myself - 'are all girls like this?' I smiled, finished the ironing and got ready and went to take the lock just before leaving. I didnt find the keys there. It a kind of lock that doesnt require any keys for locking, just for openeing, and my mother had taken the keys with her thingking that I was leaving for Gulbarga and I wont be needing them. I understood tht I will be staying outside the house today at least till 6:30 pm when my brother arrives. He always has the second of the pair of keys.
Before leaving I wanted to call my fahter and inform him that I was not going to Gulbarga. His phone was not getting connected as his school always has problems wiht the network of Airtel. I left for the college. I was feeling as if I had no place to go with my parents thinking that I am not in Hyderabad and no keys with me. I was feeling week and different - I had never felt like this before. I tried calling my father several times even from the college but couldnt get him. Then I informed my uncle who works with my father to tell my father abut this.
He did and my fahter called me a couple of hours back on my friend's fone. I told him everything including that my mother didnt talk to me int he morning. He said she asked him if I am leaving and he told her that I wouldnt do anything without taking their permission. He said I would call them before I leave. I told him I felt very bad when she didnt talk to me. He said, "take it easy, she is like that always". I knew I had got he answer for the question I had asked myself some hours before 'are all girls like this?' If anybody likes to have a say on this please tell me. I know my mother was not angry with me, she just wanted to show some anger.
Before leaving in the orning she had kept eveything for me on the table - a boiled egg, then milk in the refrigerator and even food. She wouldnt have done it if she was angry. SHe just wnated to show that she wasnt happy with me. She wanted to ignore me, ... it looked like mischief to me. It looked childish. She spoke to me in the evening so well again as if nothng had happened. I dont know if my parent have discussed but I am sure they had some talk on this even before coming home.
Everything is perfectly fine now. My mother is all normal and she isnt showing any ego now! She was successful in stopping. Now a different thng that i didnt go due to some other reason.
I was ina very bad mood. I wanted to change it and when my friends spoke of going to a movie, I got ready immidiately. It was 'Lageyraho Munnabhai'. It was a nice, entertaining movie.
Some hours back I had a chat with a friend - actually an acquaintance. Since then I am into some mental unrest with my heart pounding. Its oemthing I cant discuss with anybody and my tension will continue till I get something pacifying to know. It will take time and till then I will be reeling under under pressure to know the truth. I simply dont understand why some people are not so direct and frank. How long am I going to wait to know the truth? Till the time I am done with my engineering? I expect to see the worst part of my life then. And yet I am waiting for that day to come. It going to sweep me off my feel.
I was thinking if I have one single person with whom I can share everything I think, feel and decide. I dont have anybody like that. I have my sister but I dont get to talk to her so frequently. Perhaps the person I need is called a best friend and nobody can be my best friend staying some 210 kilometers away from me. This needs a lot fo thinking.
Anyways I am still keeoing myself with 'The Island'. I am still planning what all to write. Even some other topics are going on but I need some matter that would give me a complete post and not some small sentences. I suppose even the topic 'best friend' would be good!
I have already written so much and i dont have the patience to review and correct it.
Saturday: Just before leaving for CL I told my father about my plan to go to Gulbarga with my cousin. Some minutes before that I had very nice talks with my father and I knew he was in a very good mood. I thought it was the best time to tell him about my plan. Then I saw him fall asleep. I thought it would make things easier for me as telling him anything after waking him from sleep wouldnt get him annoyed because he wont be able to think anything on what I say. I had to wake him up anyways as I was leaving and he had to close the door. It was natural that he wouldnt mind if I wake him up. Just as he was closing the door I said, "my cousin is planning to go to Gulbarga on Sunday evening and even I would like to go with him". Even before he would say anything, I said, "we will talk about this in the evening". He replied in positive and I left.
At 10 pm in the night, I told about this again to my fahter. I asked him if he can allow me. He was looking positive again when my mother spoke up. She said she wont allow me to go. She said she is not going to give any permission even if my father agrees to it. When I turned to my fahter for help, he said he has no objection. My mother started all things about my studies and it was clear that she had no substantial reason for stopping me. I tried hard to know why she was stopping me and I could have no answer. I found myself fully correct in my request and as even my father was in my favor, I faught back. I spoke several things and we had some arguement.
Things calmed down in some time and though there wasnt any final decision made, even after I said, "I AM going", my mother was back to normal. If she had been really angry, she wouldnthave spoken to me so well after that talk. She was so sweet untill she went to sleep.
Sunday: She had to go to her office. I was trying to contact my cousin to inform him that I have the necessary permission and he had to finalise everyhting. I was trying to contact him but his cell was switched off and he was not at home. In the meanwhile I had a chat with my cousin in Gulbarga and he said he is waiting for us to arrive there. All I neede was a confirmation from my cousin.
He finally spoke in the evening around 5:30 pm. He said he was busy and he would take the permission from his parents and get back to me shortly. We even decided that we would leave early morning on Monday.
Around 8 pm I told my father that i would be laving the next mornig. He said fine ... but after tha followed an hour of arguement between me and my mother. she said what all she could speak without thinking. I was wondering all along if there was a single thing she really meant to say. I knew her blood pressure was high and she looses her control over herself when this happens. I simply didnt mind her telling all this. I also knew that she was trying to show anger and it looked so clear that she had already given me the permission to go and she was just throwing some left over talks on me.
After that everything was fine again and I was waiting for my cousin to call me back. I had soem nice time wiht my parents and my mohter asked me about the time I would be leaving and if I want her to cook something for me in the morning. Everything was pleasant and decded.
At this moment of time I felt I had become successful in understanding my parents to and extent and when I know I am not wrong, I can convince them for anything. Along with that I also told myself that I would never be doing anything wrong that is religiously and ethically incorrect. I knew that me going to Gulbarga had nohting wrong in it - I wasnt missing any of my prayers of doing anything bad. It was just 2 days of college that i was missing and that I knew is never a big problem.
He finally came online around 11:10pm. After greeting me he said, "sorry". I initially thought he was kidding. He then told me that he had been spending a lot of time with is friends and was coming home only in the nights so his parents didnt give him the necessary permission. My heart sank. He said he tried a lot and there seems to be no hope.
After hearing that from him, I started thingking who was wrong or what went wrong. If my cousin had got the permission from his parents, then we both would have been so happy. I knew even he was hurt. We had been planning this for the past 1 month and still were waiting for the right time. Everything collapsed.
I had faught with my mother for no reason - I didnt get anything from it. I faought with her and that itself is a personal loss. The way I was calling this a strategy came down crasing and turned into a kind of tragedy! I was in a big low after knowing that I wont be going.
Thenext day, today - Monday, I woke up at 8 am in the morning. I had slept late and I had to leavefor the college immediately. I was still sleepy so I thought I would sleep a little more and leave the first class. I woke up at 9:30 a. It was just 10 minutes my mother usually leaves for her office. I went straight into the bathroom thinking that I would tell my mother, that I am not going to Gulbarga but to college, after brushing my teeth. She was bit busy and I started ironing my clothes. I heard the door closing in theliving room. I realised that my mother had left. I was confused for a few seconds - she had spoken to me in the morning. It was for the first time that she didnt tell me that she was leaving or she had not even asked me to close the door. I had to tell her that I was not leaving for anyother place but was just going to the college.
She was angry with me. I was amazed thinking about that. I thought it was her ego. My father was supporting me and she didnt like that. She didnt like to see that I was going against somehting she was doing - stopping me. She didnt like me not listening to her. She had no other reason. I simply asked myself - 'are all girls like this?' I smiled, finished the ironing and got ready and went to take the lock just before leaving. I didnt find the keys there. It a kind of lock that doesnt require any keys for locking, just for openeing, and my mother had taken the keys with her thingking that I was leaving for Gulbarga and I wont be needing them. I understood tht I will be staying outside the house today at least till 6:30 pm when my brother arrives. He always has the second of the pair of keys.
Before leaving I wanted to call my fahter and inform him that I was not going to Gulbarga. His phone was not getting connected as his school always has problems wiht the network of Airtel. I left for the college. I was feeling as if I had no place to go with my parents thinking that I am not in Hyderabad and no keys with me. I was feeling week and different - I had never felt like this before. I tried calling my father several times even from the college but couldnt get him. Then I informed my uncle who works with my father to tell my father abut this.
He did and my fahter called me a couple of hours back on my friend's fone. I told him everything including that my mother didnt talk to me int he morning. He said she asked him if I am leaving and he told her that I wouldnt do anything without taking their permission. He said I would call them before I leave. I told him I felt very bad when she didnt talk to me. He said, "take it easy, she is like that always". I knew I had got he answer for the question I had asked myself some hours before 'are all girls like this?' If anybody likes to have a say on this please tell me. I know my mother was not angry with me, she just wanted to show some anger.
Before leaving in the orning she had kept eveything for me on the table - a boiled egg, then milk in the refrigerator and even food. She wouldnt have done it if she was angry. SHe just wnated to show that she wasnt happy with me. She wanted to ignore me, ... it looked like mischief to me. It looked childish. She spoke to me in the evening so well again as if nothng had happened. I dont know if my parent have discussed but I am sure they had some talk on this even before coming home.
Everything is perfectly fine now. My mother is all normal and she isnt showing any ego now! She was successful in stopping. Now a different thng that i didnt go due to some other reason.
I was ina very bad mood. I wanted to change it and when my friends spoke of going to a movie, I got ready immidiately. It was 'Lageyraho Munnabhai'. It was a nice, entertaining movie.
Some hours back I had a chat with a friend - actually an acquaintance. Since then I am into some mental unrest with my heart pounding. Its oemthing I cant discuss with anybody and my tension will continue till I get something pacifying to know. It will take time and till then I will be reeling under under pressure to know the truth. I simply dont understand why some people are not so direct and frank. How long am I going to wait to know the truth? Till the time I am done with my engineering? I expect to see the worst part of my life then. And yet I am waiting for that day to come. It going to sweep me off my feel.
I was thinking if I have one single person with whom I can share everything I think, feel and decide. I dont have anybody like that. I have my sister but I dont get to talk to her so frequently. Perhaps the person I need is called a best friend and nobody can be my best friend staying some 210 kilometers away from me. This needs a lot fo thinking.
Anyways I am still keeoing myself with 'The Island'. I am still planning what all to write. Even some other topics are going on but I need some matter that would give me a complete post and not some small sentences. I suppose even the topic 'best friend' would be good!
I have already written so much and i dont have the patience to review and correct it.
Saturday, September 2, 2006
A long day today
When I went to bed yesterday (today morning) and was setting the alarm on the phone, I saw the time 2:30 am. I set the alarm for 8:13 am and woke up even before it went ringing. The phone was with my father and he came to me to let me know about it. I was at Deccan college at 10:30 am.
I had planned to meet a friend there. We had to talk on something and yesterday night we decided that it would be here. I came back home at around 1:50 pm. On my way back home I preferred walking some distance - a little more than a kilometer. I simply felt that I should take a stroll. But there was a lot of pollution and I realised I should have taken some bus or auto.
I slept after coming home. Before that I had a chicken roll. My grandfather was not well so my parents had taken him to the doc. They were back till I arived and mygrandfather is doing fine now. I woke up and at 6:35 pm I was at CL. There was a lot of traffic on my way to Ameerpet and I was late by 5 minutes. But as the class started even more late, I missed nothing. I had the class till 9 pm. I was back home at 9:50 pm. It was my first class of LRDI (logical reasoning based data interpretation).
I finally spoke to my father about myplan for Gulbarga. I told him about that just before leaving for CL. He was sleeping at that time and I told him that we would talk about it in the night. When I spoke about it during dinner he was in my favor - he was ready to let me go. It was my mother how is stoppin me now. But I guess somehow I can manage and I shall leave tomorow evening unless my cousin plans some thing. I hope this time nothing goes wrong. Its about just 2 days and I will b back on Tuesday evening. I really hope I leave tomorrow evening. I still have to get the final confirmation from my cousin.
I had planned to meet a friend there. We had to talk on something and yesterday night we decided that it would be here. I came back home at around 1:50 pm. On my way back home I preferred walking some distance - a little more than a kilometer. I simply felt that I should take a stroll. But there was a lot of pollution and I realised I should have taken some bus or auto.
I slept after coming home. Before that I had a chicken roll. My grandfather was not well so my parents had taken him to the doc. They were back till I arived and mygrandfather is doing fine now. I woke up and at 6:35 pm I was at CL. There was a lot of traffic on my way to Ameerpet and I was late by 5 minutes. But as the class started even more late, I missed nothing. I had the class till 9 pm. I was back home at 9:50 pm. It was my first class of LRDI (logical reasoning based data interpretation).
I finally spoke to my father about myplan for Gulbarga. I told him about that just before leaving for CL. He was sleeping at that time and I told him that we would talk about it in the night. When I spoke about it during dinner he was in my favor - he was ready to let me go. It was my mother how is stoppin me now. But I guess somehow I can manage and I shall leave tomorow evening unless my cousin plans some thing. I hope this time nothing goes wrong. Its about just 2 days and I will b back on Tuesday evening. I really hope I leave tomorrow evening. I still have to get the final confirmation from my cousin.
Friday, September 1, 2006
"The Island"
The title of my next post on Flowing Emotions will be the same as the one of this update. Its going to be more personalised where I intend to speak of some things I had never written or spoken about. Now it will be a different thing what I would be posting - I may have to be more creative and give out more thoughts better than the way I write.
Today I had a good day - spent lots of time joking wiht my friends. After coming home I didnt sleep even though I was feeling sleepy. I had wanted to control myself and I did it today. Then I arranged all my clothes I had washed yesterday. I felt so relieved seeing my clothes arranged in perfect order. I have more such exercises to do!
Since many days back my cousin and I had been secretly planning to go to Gulbarga. The time has come when I will be speaking to my father about that. And I know his answer. He wont let me go and I am going to spend some hours depressed about it. How amazing I know beforehand how things are going to be framed by my parent's understanding that I can't take care of myeslf. I dont expect them to believe that I can - I know how misserably I failed with something when I was in the first year of my engineering!
Today I had a good day - spent lots of time joking wiht my friends. After coming home I didnt sleep even though I was feeling sleepy. I had wanted to control myself and I did it today. Then I arranged all my clothes I had washed yesterday. I felt so relieved seeing my clothes arranged in perfect order. I have more such exercises to do!
Since many days back my cousin and I had been secretly planning to go to Gulbarga. The time has come when I will be speaking to my father about that. And I know his answer. He wont let me go and I am going to spend some hours depressed about it. How amazing I know beforehand how things are going to be framed by my parent's understanding that I can't take care of myeslf. I dont expect them to believe that I can - I know how misserably I failed with something when I was in the first year of my engineering!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
If at all there is something called as luck, then I am the luckiest.
When 2 of my friends told me that they were going to bunk the class in teh afternoon today, it took me no time to decide that I would be accompanying them. I later found that it was a wrong thing I had done. They ragged a junior (asked him to act as if he is driving some F1 car then a bike), and wasted a lot of time near the canteen. I could have left for home and did something productive. I had thought of starting with some homework I have to complete before Saturday, but I simply couldnt get the right things to start on that.
Yesterday I received the CDs I had ordered on canonical.com The CDs were of UBUNTU, an operating System based on Linux. I want to have it instelled on mysystem but unfortunately my CD ROM isnt working. They have sent me 5 copies of the software and all this was free of any charge.
I had writtn the title of this post 2 hours back and saved it as a draft. It is what I have always felt and had already written once on this blog. I have what I had always wanted to have ... even more than that actually. All things came at the right time. Further more, it feels nice when I call myself the luckiest; I doesnt make me feel like a looser.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party of a friend. Actually we are not friends but as I was invited along with my other friends, I went along. Initialy I was a bit uncomfortable being there, but it was fine later.
My sister's wedding date has finally been decided. It will be 21st of December. I am eagerly looking forward to the occasion. Again I will get a chance to have all my cousins here except for those who live abroad. But its going to be a little of emotional for all of us I guess - my sister is perhaps the most cuddled one. She may be leaving for US as soon as she gets married. But thers a problem - I will have to go to Guntur to attend the reception function!
I do not know aht I am writing today but I have been tring to put manytings. I have already typed and deleted so much. Until some weeks back I had the freedom of writing anything I wanted do, but now its different - I am being made to think about who would read it and what he/she would think about.
Today I finally started with the washing of my clothes. I did the first set today. I think I will have to do 2 more of them. I had accumilated more than 30 shirts and trousers. It was big task - I first had to wash some dirt out from collars and cuffs and then load them into the machine. It hardly took an hour once I switched the machine on. I will go for the next 12 clothes tomorrow.
Yesterday I received the CDs I had ordered on canonical.com The CDs were of UBUNTU, an operating System based on Linux. I want to have it instelled on mysystem but unfortunately my CD ROM isnt working. They have sent me 5 copies of the software and all this was free of any charge.
I had writtn the title of this post 2 hours back and saved it as a draft. It is what I have always felt and had already written once on this blog. I have what I had always wanted to have ... even more than that actually. All things came at the right time. Further more, it feels nice when I call myself the luckiest; I doesnt make me feel like a looser.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party of a friend. Actually we are not friends but as I was invited along with my other friends, I went along. Initialy I was a bit uncomfortable being there, but it was fine later.
My sister's wedding date has finally been decided. It will be 21st of December. I am eagerly looking forward to the occasion. Again I will get a chance to have all my cousins here except for those who live abroad. But its going to be a little of emotional for all of us I guess - my sister is perhaps the most cuddled one. She may be leaving for US as soon as she gets married. But thers a problem - I will have to go to Guntur to attend the reception function!
I do not know aht I am writing today but I have been tring to put manytings. I have already typed and deleted so much. Until some weeks back I had the freedom of writing anything I wanted do, but now its different - I am being made to think about who would read it and what he/she would think about.
Today I finally started with the washing of my clothes. I did the first set today. I think I will have to do 2 more of them. I had accumilated more than 30 shirts and trousers. It was big task - I first had to wash some dirt out from collars and cuffs and then load them into the machine. It hardly took an hour once I switched the machine on. I will go for the next 12 clothes tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Emotional crap!
I shall write more here, as I have been doing all these days, starting from tomorrow. Though I had time today, I didnt wish to write because if I had written anyting, I felt I may end up regretting it! I didnt find myself in the right frame to write a post that would be decent enough to be here. It could have been another emotional crap!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Where am I standing again?
I have my internals going on. I did the first one a "little not so good" but the second was fine. All this time in the evening I have been trying to study but there is only one answer I have gone through till now. I do not know what I am going to write tomorrow. Heheh ...
Saturday, August 26, 2006
I hope I am forgiven .... But by whom?
It was a long day today. I slept yesterday at 2:30 am and woke up today at 9:15 pm. I was at Career Launcher at 12 pm sharp. I had my first class there as a back up for the ones I have missed till now. I was the only student presnt in the class and the instructor was too good. The class was very interesting - on english usage. After some explanation, I wrote a test of 45 minutes. I had to attempt 117 questions and the marks I scored, according to the instructor, were better than what other students do for that particular test.
I was the only student in the class. I never knew it would be even this way - they take a class even when only one student is present. I even have the facility of getting a class scheduled for me if I happen to miss any of the regular classes. And sitting alone in the class was a new thing for me. I had all my concentration with the lecture with nothing disturbing me. It was the same in the evening too when I was ther at 6:30. I wrote 3 more tests in the evening.
The classes are a lot different from what I see at my college. The lecturers here are more comitted towards the students and they give personal attention. They already know my name. I am constantly being asked if I am following. Unlike at the college, I will never think of anything else sitting in the class room here.
Yesterday in the college, after listening to some comment from my DBMS sir, I got some new thing in my mind - I dont care which section I am in, all I need is to finish my engineering as soon as possible. I know it will be hard for me to part from my friends, but this is exactly what I want. I am desperate to get away from this city and study at some very nice business school before I leave for US. I will give my best to be in US in the same city my sister will be.
I had a chat with her today and felt very good after that. We had lots of jokes and kept some old things away from the talk. But I told her that when we are in US - whenever it is - we are never going to talk about somebody. She said 'yes'. Then I told her that I am going to save this today's chat and she it to her if she talks on that. I even said that I will keep reminding myself again and again that I never have to talk about that somebody. Then we spoke on several things before she left. She said she ill be here in September.
So things are more clear for me now. After engineering, its MBA and then US. All I have to do is get through CAT, GD and PI successfully and put myself under a lot of strain for 2 years. And never allow myself get disturbed with any unwarranted things. I have hard ties ahead and I am alo worried about my performance at the college. I need to somehow keep the percentage above 75. This is a it of shame for me but things have mde me that way - settle for less. I blow away everything in a laugh. . ... thats the best way to hide things!
The class ended at 9 pm and thnx to a friend who has joined CL, I was home at 9:30 pm as he dropped me on his bike. His house is around 7 kilometers from mine.
I was just thinking what would happen to me if I fail to get through all this. There woul be no place for me to hide my face from myself. I dont have much to think about what others would say, but I cant face myself if anything goes wrong.
And I am in a grave problem if somebody is expecting something from me in the final year. I had given my words to that person saying something I meant will all my heart. I am going to break those words. I hope I am forgiven .... but by whom? Am I being silly? Phew! ... again.
I was the only student in the class. I never knew it would be even this way - they take a class even when only one student is present. I even have the facility of getting a class scheduled for me if I happen to miss any of the regular classes. And sitting alone in the class was a new thing for me. I had all my concentration with the lecture with nothing disturbing me. It was the same in the evening too when I was ther at 6:30. I wrote 3 more tests in the evening.
The classes are a lot different from what I see at my college. The lecturers here are more comitted towards the students and they give personal attention. They already know my name. I am constantly being asked if I am following. Unlike at the college, I will never think of anything else sitting in the class room here.
Yesterday in the college, after listening to some comment from my DBMS sir, I got some new thing in my mind - I dont care which section I am in, all I need is to finish my engineering as soon as possible. I know it will be hard for me to part from my friends, but this is exactly what I want. I am desperate to get away from this city and study at some very nice business school before I leave for US. I will give my best to be in US in the same city my sister will be.
I had a chat with her today and felt very good after that. We had lots of jokes and kept some old things away from the talk. But I told her that when we are in US - whenever it is - we are never going to talk about somebody. She said 'yes'. Then I told her that I am going to save this today's chat and she it to her if she talks on that. I even said that I will keep reminding myself again and again that I never have to talk about that somebody. Then we spoke on several things before she left. She said she ill be here in September.
So things are more clear for me now. After engineering, its MBA and then US. All I have to do is get through CAT, GD and PI successfully and put myself under a lot of strain for 2 years. And never allow myself get disturbed with any unwarranted things. I have hard ties ahead and I am alo worried about my performance at the college. I need to somehow keep the percentage above 75. This is a it of shame for me but things have mde me that way - settle for less. I blow away everything in a laugh. . ... thats the best way to hide things!
The class ended at 9 pm and thnx to a friend who has joined CL, I was home at 9:30 pm as he dropped me on his bike. His house is around 7 kilometers from mine.
I was just thinking what would happen to me if I fail to get through all this. There woul be no place for me to hide my face from myself. I dont have much to think about what others would say, but I cant face myself if anything goes wrong.
And I am in a grave problem if somebody is expecting something from me in the final year. I had given my words to that person saying something I meant will all my heart. I am going to break those words. I hope I am forgiven .... but by whom? Am I being silly? Phew! ... again.
My post for yesterday: Huh and Phew!
In the picture of my school days, I am the rightmost person in the row second from down. It was taken in my 10th standard. The teachers, from left, are Mrs. Laxmi Krishnan, Mrs. Rupa Kulkarni, Mrs. Jukta Ahluwalia, Bro. Prabhakar Reddy, and Mrs. Pavitra …. I have forgotten the names of the last two of them. My favorite sir, Mr. E A Francis, who taught me English from class 8, is missing in the photograph. Even the most hilarious sir, Mr. Bakshi, who taught me Physics in class 10, is also not there. I don’t remember much of my school days except of some old memories that come into me when I am in some weird mood. I remember my first day to the school – on June 13th, 1990. Before that I had been to some school near my house at Mehdipatnam,
Today, after coming home I arranged all my books, put all old news papers in the right place, cleared my table, cleared my computer, and even arranged the shelf where I stack all my books and CDs. It looks nice now. I still have to put my clothes in the washing machine. I haven’t done it for the past 20 days and I have a big heap of clothes lying in some place in my parent’s bedroom. It will take two rounds of washing to clear them. Then I will have to give them for ironing to the laundry person who visits every Sunday. I haven’t gotten any of my clothes ironed in the last 2 weeks and I had been managing my clothes somehow by wearing them repeatedly. I usually don’t wear any shirt for more than once in 19 days. I think I didn’t do that – I broke a rule I had on myself.
As long as my books were lying on the divan in the living room, my parents were constantly after me – I knew they were right. But now, after I have put everything right, I didn’t even a word from them about that. I don’t want any praise about that, I just need to know that they have sent hat I have done the work.
I opened my computer today. I broke its guarantee seal. It already 11 months since that thing expired. I even broke my optical drive’s guarantee seal. I got to learn so many things from all this today. I removed the AGP card from my cousin’s PC and tried it on my computer. His mother board seems to have some problem. I tried his monitor with my CPU, and then my CPU with his monitor, tried things with the VGA ports, and finally concluded that it is his mother board that has some problem. I had my friend with me to assist me with all this.
I have been thinking about writing some poems for the last 3-4 days. I don’t know why I am not writing. Tomorrow I have to attend 2 classes at CL. One at 12 noon which will help me catch up with the syllabus I have missed and another at 6:30 pm which will be the regular scheduled class. I have found something interesting here in CL – if I miss some class, I can get it scheduled for myself at a time suitable for the instructor and me. I have never seen this kind of thing before given that I no institutes ever care for students who bunk any classes. It’s different here.
I have my first internals starting form Monday. After some serious thinking I found myself a bit of uncomfortable with 3 of the 5 subjects I have. I will give some brief reading for them tomorrow. I have to manage time properly in the coming days. I have many tings to learn. Its not enough that I call foolish – I need to work it out and change myself. I am thinking about it for several months. That’s all I am doing. God save me from my … whatever it is! … :D Huh!
I missed my afternoon class today just because some of my class mates told me that they are not going to attend it. I thought they would be no class and I left college for home. Later my friend told me that there was a class conducted and some students did attend it. I don’t want to miss any classes now; I have already missed a lot because of y cousin’s marriage, and several other things I am not convinced with.
Today I had a birthday party to attend. It was of a small girl who lives on the ground floor of my house. She is the daughter of my neighbor. They had invited us, but I didn’t fell like going. My mother scolded me and even my father wasn’t happy with me. Whenever my mother had not felt like going to some party, I was the one who used to shout at her. It was her chance this time. It is a compulsion that we attend a function when we have been invited – this is according to the holy Sunnath. I violated it today. I simply didn’t feel like going. I got a chicken roll for myself and had it sitting in front of the television. I hardly remember what I have seen on it.
But later after my parents and bother were back, my neighbors sent a few things for us - biryani, chocolate cake, etc.. I ate a little of these two too.
Now that I have arranged my books, there is some kind of new feeling in the living room. It looks a part of my house! Now, when I sit in front f the computer and turn towards my right, I find all the books aligned into the shelf evenly in respect to their sizes. It looks as if I am a very studious and a hardworking person!
The first book on the right is Linux 6 Unleashed. Then the next are Managerial Economics, C How to Program, Database System Concepts, Microprocessor Systems, Data Communications and Networking, A diary in which I store all the currency notes of various countries my father and I have collected over these years, then a book that is a collection of some 12 works by Khaleel Gibran (I don’t understand why he used to paint pictures portraying nudity – some of them are included in this book and it has always made me uncomfortable while I read it), Operating System concepts, Compact Oxford Reference, Personality Plus, Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs, Dictionary of Idioms, Northern Nights (I have ‘stopped’ reading it now), The Fountainhead, Rage of angels and Nothing Lasts Forever. Then there is the stereo that fits into my car’s music system followed by a telephone directly which only my father maintains. There is also the digital assistant (which is not working) lying in the corner.
I have written all this just to write something. It was interesting for me – writing what exists on my left when I sit in front of my computer - because this is what I see so frequently everyday. I have reviewed nothing in this post … I write this so many times, phew!
There was some problem with blogger yesterday. Even today it did trouble me.Thursday, August 24, 2006
Where am I standing?
I opened the 'create post' page long back and was ting about what I am supposed to write for today. I started writing something that was more of directness and may be God didn't want me to post it. The power went off. Now that I am writing again, I think I should put things from a different angle - more sarcastic!
Today I went to buy books with my friend. Thnx to him; he helped me bargain - I am not good at it. Before buying the books we went to his house and also had chicken rolls. I reached home by 6:30 pm
In the morning I was at Career launcher's office. I have enrolled myself there and my classes will be on Saturday and Sunday - 6:30 tp 8:30 pm and 9:30 to 11:30 a respectively. I have taken this schedule so that even if I have any tests or exams going on in the college, I will not have to skip any classes here. Now after taking the admission, I feel something different, a kind of responsibility of the expectations my parents have from me. They dont know the size of my expectations I have frommyself and how badly I have been hurt in the past ....
I am now trying to relive some old dream I had.
Today a friend of mine asked me "what are YOU doing now a days?". The toughest question I had faced before was from a friend which was in reply to a very 'foolish' letter I had written in the month of October last year.
I do know what I am doing now a days. And I know that I am not supposed to do it. But I know what I will be doing in the days to come and I knwo that I am supposed to do that. I have compared somebody with me today, yesterday and even somedays back! I am still wondering who is better. Does anybody have a frank answer? I know people who know me have it!
Huh! ... too much is always bad!
I have been given some material by CL and I have already started reading it. They have also given me a magazine - Management Compass. I have read a few articles from it and I really found them of my interest. They are more fromt eh corporate world giving information about the present moves by many major companies int India and also the by the Indian government. There is also a section that speaks in short about the latest happening in India that can make some difference everywhere - all this just to prepare me for CAT. I am surely going to like it.
I was thinking that I really dont have somebody with me who would tell me about me so that I could turn myself into something much better. I always get different opinions and they come in packets which are hard to interpret. I know it is always difficult to be frank. I know even I am nt hat frank. But still ...
I also wanted to tell that I have stopped reviewing my posts on this blog before publishing them. There may be many spelling and gramatical mistakes. I dont feel like readin what I have written. I find it easier to write - rather!
Today I went to buy books with my friend. Thnx to him; he helped me bargain - I am not good at it. Before buying the books we went to his house and also had chicken rolls. I reached home by 6:30 pm
In the morning I was at Career launcher's office. I have enrolled myself there and my classes will be on Saturday and Sunday - 6:30 tp 8:30 pm and 9:30 to 11:30 a respectively. I have taken this schedule so that even if I have any tests or exams going on in the college, I will not have to skip any classes here. Now after taking the admission, I feel something different, a kind of responsibility of the expectations my parents have from me. They dont know the size of my expectations I have frommyself and how badly I have been hurt in the past ....
I am now trying to relive some old dream I had.
Today a friend of mine asked me "what are YOU doing now a days?". The toughest question I had faced before was from a friend which was in reply to a very 'foolish' letter I had written in the month of October last year.
I do know what I am doing now a days. And I know that I am not supposed to do it. But I know what I will be doing in the days to come and I knwo that I am supposed to do that. I have compared somebody with me today, yesterday and even somedays back! I am still wondering who is better. Does anybody have a frank answer? I know people who know me have it!
Huh! ... too much is always bad!
I have been given some material by CL and I have already started reading it. They have also given me a magazine - Management Compass. I have read a few articles from it and I really found them of my interest. They are more fromt eh corporate world giving information about the present moves by many major companies int India and also the by the Indian government. There is also a section that speaks in short about the latest happening in India that can make some difference everywhere - all this just to prepare me for CAT. I am surely going to like it.
I was thinking that I really dont have somebody with me who would tell me about me so that I could turn myself into something much better. I always get different opinions and they come in packets which are hard to interpret. I know it is always difficult to be frank. I know even I am nt hat frank. But still ...
I also wanted to tell that I have stopped reviewing my posts on this blog before publishing them. There may be many spelling and gramatical mistakes. I dont feel like readin what I have written. I find it easier to write - rather!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
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