My Value Judgement

Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
- Ayn Rand (1905-1982)

A strange sense of discomfort remained in my heart all day asking me repeatedly why I was getting so lite and easy with almost everything I am hearing and saying. I have begun to feel that I am not thinking before talking and not even before writing. Being able to write as fast as I could speak sometimes is making things a little complicated in a way I am not able to understand. Some changes are hard to contain. I am joking a lot, playing a lot with ideals, looking at casual sides of everything and more poignancy, of course, lies in not thinking before talking. I intend to get corrective soon. I did hold back some words while I was with friends today but some of them could have been shared. There were others that could have been withheld as well.

But there was somewhere also a feeling that I can be carefree when I am with my friends. I have come a long way where I don't have to think what they would think - if they find something wrong they can always tell me and have it cleared. I am also afraid that they won't speak up fearing that I would mind. Nobody has ever called upon me for anything till now. It's all muffed up for me here.

Perhaps I am taking these trivial things too seriously but I have always believed that small intricacies make a lot of significance in the longer run. I have always tried to find one single person in whom I can trust with everything and have all faith. I have hoped to make one friend in whom I could confide with everything never thinking of what he or she would think. I have always visioned the company of an alter ego who too could have a similar trust in me - I would reciprocate the same way. I came close this way with four of my friends but an invisible magnet in the form of fear kept pulling me back. I know I would loose all of them someday. We have different objectives and different plans. I can trust with everything three of these four say. I can bet my life on all four of them. But I can't expect a trust from the time that refuses to stop or even slow down and give a chance to eternity.

I waited in the college for 50 minutes in the morning before a friend came and I could talk again. Another arrived in a short while. Very soon I had a cosy company with two more arriving. The lecturer concerned approved the topic I proposed to give a presentation on. He read the abstract and much to my expectation he enquired how I came across this topic. Cryptovirology is a subject of research in some universities in the United States and I found just enough information to fuel 15 to 20 minutes of talking. The only thing I forgot to ask my lecturer is the date of my seminar.

I wanted to be with my friends for as long as possible even while knowing that I am awaited by my grandmother. I wanted to meet her and talk to her too. A friend dropped me there just before 7 pm and I was there at her house till 8:30 pm which consisted of a nap. I was very tired. The moment I had reached there my mother asked me if I was using the car. I immediately recollected that she had asked me to take the car with me in the morning so that I could pick her up in the evening from my grandmother's house as my father had gone to a picnic. He managed to pick her up on his two-wheeler but my brother and I had to take the bus's route.

Things kept flashing in my mind - the images of the place I was sitting in the college, sitting alone first, then with only one friend, then with two, then with two more. Then I recollected my meet with some seniors, then the travelling on my friend's bike, then a short stop near a friend's house, then finally the bed at my grandmother's house on which I lay with my eyes closed. There were regrets all along - for laughing too much, for talking useless ideas, for not talking a few important things, for having to regret all this - and then there was finally a feeling of contentment of at least knowing what was going on with me. It's all so simple and clear. Alhamdulillah things are going fine and I am learning.

I sometimes wonder if "alter ego" is a myth. Then I have also wondered if having such a person in ones life is necessary. By the time I will reach an age of 30, I know there would be no burning need to love or to be loved. It will get into me as a way of life. By then I would be accepting what life was giving me and taking away. But all this only on the emotional requirements - by then I would be strong enough and will have learnt how to stay completely away from friends and at a distance from parents. I can then look back and clearly understand these present days when my emotional needs had to remain unrested. Sury we understand the present when it becomes past.

I always look back at my old days and laugh at myself. I recollect how I used to ask my parents why I shouldn't do so and so things for now I know the answers. Now I understand why my parents resented my frequent stays at my cousins' places. I understand that anything in excess cannot be handled easily. I also now understand why it is always wise to learn good even if I am in a bad milieu. I have learnt all these by myself and there were times I used to question the credibility of these ideas. They aren't ideas anymore. They have become ideals. I don't need a reason for my existence now. I don't have to ask the so called wise about why I am living. I don't have to search for meanings in my life. I only have to be myself and make myself good.

I look at the rows of seats in the bus as I look towards the windshield standing close to the rear end of the bus. I see two human beings sitting on each row, I see each row as a line, I see each line holding two lives, I see two lives I am never going to see again. Then I see the windscreen, then the driver in his seat, I see his movements, I see the responsibility he has, I see how well he accomplishes his tasks of navigating and maneuvering through the dense traffic. I see the traffic outside his cockpit, I see the volumes, the pain in the quantity, the trouble in the movements, the tension in every drop of sweat that dries unnoticed, I see the human beings and I feel love for all I see.

I love them all - my fellow human beings. I don't have to know them. It's not sympathy that makes me love them; it's just the feeling of being alike, just the feeling of being a part of a miracle called life. I can never hate a person for more than a day. And if I hate somebody for that amount of time, I know I will have deep regrets. No doubt I love my parents and put them with high priorities. Just that I love all that Allah has created. I can't hurt anything or anybody intentionally. And just that I am trying to learn not to expect such a love in return. And this is the reason my loves goes unexpressed; and for that there is no reason why it should be expressed.

I had a good meal at my grandmother's house. It had bagaara khaana, chicken 65 with gravy and daalcha. I will have another one in a short while now. It has been a good day to live today; even my brother enjoyed a halfday leave from his college for which the reason he gave was his brother's marriage. He was a bit angry with me when he learnt that I had deleted "Taarey Zameen Par" from the computer. This reminds me how weak I am at remembering the names of movies and actors. But I am growing! My life is beautiful. 36 hours more for Monday's morning. I complete 400 posts on this blog with this one today.