Sunday, December 31, 2006

Like a dream come true ... but still a dream!

Yesterday night I was too flimsy to write anything. I had been to the college in the morning just to find that we had only one class to attend. I was in the college till 1:35 pm and left for my grandparents' house and was there till 5:40 pm. Then I had my class at CL.

My classmates were playing cricket and they asked me if I would join them. I wanted to play but I knew that it would make me tired and I had a long day ahead to be out. If I had played, I would have to wait in the college till 6 pm which, I felt, was foolishness. So, I left the college.

At CL I had analytical reasoning class. It was perhaps the most difficult of all the classes I have attended till date. We did detailed analysis of 3 problems and we were taught how to create charts and tables out of the raw and incomplete data given for any particular abstract.

Today I had english usage class. We worked on vocabulary building and had to form sentences out of given words too. I do not know if I should mention this or not, but I felt a little kiddish when the instructor put a 'good' for the sentences I formed. We were given a list of 20 word pairs and the 2 words in each of these pairs looked similar but had different meanings - we had to form sentences using each of these pairs in a single sentence. The class was a bit lengthy.

After coming home I didn't do anything but eating and sleeping. In the evening my father asked me to come with him to buy the sheep for tomorrow's Ied-Uz-Zuha. I refused: I didn't feel like going out into that stinky and dirty atmosphere. I was forced even by my mother but I kept myself home. My mother and brother went with him.

They bought 2 sheep - one each for oneselves. A few days back my mother was telling that she would be sending of her sheep to some orphanage but she didn't. I didn't even know how many we were going to buy. I didn't ask my parents anything - even if we were going to have anything tomorrow. I know nothing of anything except that I have to perform the wajib prayers tomorrow morning. I don't wish to know anything much.

Since the time I remember, I have been going along with my father every year to buy sheep. This is for the first time that I didn't go. I even wanted to break it. I did. I didn't do anything staying home - just made a visit to the chemist near by; had to get my mother's monthly medicines.

I don't feel like meeting anybody. I know people will come to my house tomorrow. We will be going outside in the evening - all as a formality. It would be a tortuous. I will learn to sustain. But things are becoming better day by day.

If i consider the Islamic Hijri calender, exactly one year back, this day I did something I will carry for long. The night after that day was miserable - I had a chat with a friend and I cried. The next few days were terrible. I was expecting the worst thing of my life. But nothing happened. But I had wanted something t happen - for good or bad - but it could have ended a few things and could have made the coming days better in someway!!!

Everybody seems to enjoy this thing called as 'New Year'. I do not understand what makes them so excited about it. The calender for me, this english one, is nothing more than just and index or a reference kind of thing. I do not know who originated it and when. But when I say this, I understand that it's my birthday too that I celebrate taking this calender into consideration - I just need an excuse to celebrate. And I celebrated. It was my birthday - new year has nothing to do with me.

My father has been invited by his friend to a party and my father is going there. Even my father needs an excuse. I won't talk to him on this. I have my own beliefs and my own ideas. Everyone has his/her own. I neither respect this time nor do I quibble about it.

All these months I have been told a lot about having close friends and people with whom I can share things - mostly through comments on my blogs. I have been advised - I thank those people for everything. But I can't trust anybody to extent that I can share everything within me.

I can never have a person called as best friend. The reasons are simply - every person has his or her own life and every person moves on - nobody if going to stay for me. At sometime the person may even share my things with others - every person will have priorities and their own very important people who would be more important to them than me. Its perfectly normal this way and I accept it happily. Even I may be that way.

I have already trusted some people - some friends and cousins. I have told them a lot about me. I have shared with them what I felt like, and to the point I am comfortable with. I have a few people to whom I have told a few things I never ever imagined that I would put them into words.

Sometimes I have kept no difference between a probable person who could ever be the most important person to me and these people with whom I have confided in- for some instance of time. I am too happy with the way these people have treated me in return. I thank all of them. I hold different perceptions, ideas and emotions towards each of them. Should anybody need me, I will give my best to be there. InshAllah.

I feel inferior to some people. Basically because I feel that they are more intelligent than me and that I can trust them. I like taking advices from them - I easily digest any criticism they put on me.

I somehow feel that I am becoming a difficult person day by day. Perhaps I have become a little casual towards the way I am treating people. Perhaps now I even have people who would be hating me - I do not know. I may be wrong but it can always be the other way around.

I also feel that I was a bit rude in the last few days; I have spoken things without thinking anything - leave alone the possible results of my rudeness. I hope nothing has changed with that. I hope no person has changed his/her view toward me because of a different attitude I have shown. I intend to correct myself - only that I must realize things properly.

3 comments:

Edward Ott said...

you ask the question so i answer it. Julius Ceasar decreed that january 1st was the first day of the year. yes once again the romans strike.

xubayr said...

Who was Julius Ceasar? Scientist? Evangelist?

And who decided that Jesus was born on 25th of December?

So, Romans strike this way. Hmmn? They have their own dates and decide when a messenger of God took birth? Is this what you mean?

xubayr said...

I have posted some pics taken during my cousin sister's marriage on xubayr9.blogspot.com